Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 44 - Healing Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 44 - Healing Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's good, y'all?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure y'all are following us on all social media platforms at Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: For all inquiries, email us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And for I say this with love submissions, visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing healing.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I would be remiss if I did not speak about healing after talk about going through all these different childhood traumas and wounds and different aspects and hardships of life.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because yes, those things are hard, but there is light on the other side of those hard things.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're gonna get into it.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Today I am grateful for a compliment from a stranger, specifically when they tell me I smell good.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, because RJ has spent a lot of money and time figuring out their specific fragrance.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: My smell, my smell is one of a kind.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when other people take notice, like it just really means a lot to me because I work hard to get this smell down for many years and I spend to get this smell down.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can't buy my smell.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I mix smells, I mix flavors, I tap into different things.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't gonna find it nowhere, and I know it smells great.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So when you notice and you let me know, means a lot.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Cause healing be happening.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: To start, let me just say, I personally feel healing is not like something you could get to.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not a destination, it doesn't end, it's an everyday, ongoing, lifelong practice.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that you're going to be doing for the rest of your life if you choose to embark on a healing journey.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's always going to be things that trigger you, that harm you, that cause you more traumas.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's a part of life, it's the unfortunate part of life.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So there will forever be things that you need to heal from.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: There are also some wounds that are so deep and so ingrained in who we are that it's going to take a very long time to heal from.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And there's going to be different ways in which we learn how to heal with ourselves.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes our healing looks one way and then we grow and mature and we change, and healing looks completely different.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I really don't feel like you can finish healing because there's too many factors that contribute to the infliction of the traumas and the pain that you will have to heal from.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, I've touched on a lot of things that I've been through in my life.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've touched on the fact that I've been in therapy, I've done my own healing, I've moved through some things, but I haven't purely focused on the healing aspect and how nonlinear it is, how difficult it can be, how I've taken steps forward and even more steps back along the way.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, this is something that we need to focus on.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of folks who are in their own healing journeys, who are in their own stages of those healing journeys.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it would be important to shed light on my very own ongoing, everlasting healing journey, because it's something that I truly work in and work with on a daily basis.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I've come to understand that the goal isn't to be healed, because I don't think one can ever truly be healed, but it's to keep going.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: As things are uncovered, as you learn more, as you move through the journey.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about what healing isn't.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think there's some misconceptions that we just gotta clear up.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So healing doesn't mean forgetting.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: These are significant events in our life.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're never gonna really forget.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you do forget, it's probably your brain blacking out that memory as a coping mechanism so that you don't have to keep dealing with the trauma, but that only comes when you aren't trying to heal in the process, like when the trauma is so significant that you'd rather just not think about it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't really forget these things.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: These are events and situations that are like rooted in your memory because of how significant they are.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not forgetting.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have come to realize that you can't really heal without forgiveness.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: We will touch on forgiveness later in depth.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I used to be a person where it's like, I'm not forgiving them, they don't forgive or deserve my forgiveness, like I'm gonna stay mad forever.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: But when you do that, you are just sitting with that anger and that hurt and that pain with you because they don't care.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: They have moved on.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I realized I can't start healing until I forgive.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not forgiveness for them, it's forgiveness for myself.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is a purely selfish act.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm gonna forgive you so that I can move forward.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I give a damn about you caring if I forgive you or not, but like this is to hurt or to help me.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't really care how you feel about it.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So you can't truly heal until you forgive.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is also not being unbothered.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Again, big things that have happened to us.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be bothered by it.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to have emotions around the event.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know where we got this notion of like, I'm just healing and I'm unbothered and I'm not worried about it.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's it's fine to be bothered.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is part of the process of understanding why you're being triggered, how it affected you.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you need to go through the emotions in the process so that you can begin to heal.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, I used to be the one like, I don't care.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even care what they think, I don't care about the situation, like I'm just over it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: No, I wasn't.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I never was.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I said I didn't care, I cared the most.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it's okay to be bothered because healing, part of the healing journey is being bothered by it.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is not performing being okay for other people.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: When there's like a big event that happens and everybody's aware of it, most of the time people will move on because it's not affecting them as greatly as maybe it affects you.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But you're gonna be sitting with that emotion and that very own process for a very long time.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's your process to have.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you being not okay is okay.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You showing up and acting like you're okay in times when you really aren't doesn't make you healed.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you're healing from it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're acting like you're okay doesn't mean that you actually are okay.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And healing is not a straight line, it's not.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have gone so far in my healing journey, and I've gone all the way back to the beginning.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It is not as simple as it seems.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: We'll get into it in more detail in a bit here, but healing is not linear.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does healing actually look like?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Great question.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'll tell you one thing: it's not showing up and acting like the problem doesn't exist.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know we are so used to doing that, we were kind of taught that in our families, like you just forgive and forget.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You ever hear that saying, like, why are you bringing up old shit?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just let the past be the past without doing any sort of like rectifying of the situation, righting any wrongs that the other person has done?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm supposed to just take the infliction, take what you did to me and move on because you want to forget about it and you want to move on.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: That is not that that's not okay, and that's not what healing is.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is messy.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Healing takes really like getting into it, getting your hands in it, in the situation, and examining the full thing for what it is.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, here's the situation.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is my emotional response to it in the moment, because we have a few different responses along the way.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: We have the in the moment response, we have the way that it lands for us in our body, we have the ways in which it hurts us, and then we have the ways that it kind of like rewires our brain slowly but surely.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on the person who did it, it might have an effect on like a relationship.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you have all these different avenues that it's affected, and you think you can just move on and not deal with it, and you're gonna eventually heal that.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, each of these things take individual attention and intention with looking at and working to fix, and that is going to require sitting with it instead of pushing through it.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: When I think about any of the situations that I've been through, I look at how I always started that healing journey.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, nobody wants to sit in discomfort, nobody wants to be sad, nobody wants to be angry and hating the person who did it.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I think you can learn a lot when you sit in it and understand what it is that is coming up.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: When I was early in my therapy days, there were some things that happened that, of course, I saw the ways in which it hurt me, but I didn't understand it was tied to something deeper and that it was playing on an unconscious belief that I didn't even know was there.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm looking at a situation.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: For example, there is an old friend of mine who we were very close, very close.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I considered them to be family.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we never really had a falling out.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And one day I look and I see that I'm blocked out of nowhere, out of the blue.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: To this day, I still don't know why.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that was hurtful.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is someone who is really like family.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like our parents have met, they've met our parents, like we are like tied in.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I went through this long process of like trying to understand, like, what's wrong with me?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is it that I did?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because obviously, I have to be the problem.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, in that moment, so many different things are being triggered that it took me probably a good six months to a year to like sit in this situation of like, I don't know what I did, and I don't know how whatever I did is affecting this person, to transitioning to understanding, like, wait a minute, I one didn't do a goddamn thing, I really didn't, but even if I did, the relationship was strong enough to where you could have came to me about anything.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the fact that you did it and you chose to handle it the way in which you did is not on me.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is on you.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then that pivoted to me saying it don't matter what could have happened, like I deserve more than that.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so, from going through all the different ways in which it was landing for me as I'm processing and as I'm healing through it, I finally was able to get to a place of like acceptance, forgiveness, because who knows what they're going through.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't excuse the behavior, but you know what?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: You on your own path.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let you have that.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I did nothing, and I will always leave a door open to have a conversation.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Until you walk through it, I guess we're gonna be here.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I would never get to this point if I just pushed through it and let it go and just moved on.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'd still be angry.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'd still be like, well, fuck them.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'd still really be hurt telling myself I didn't care.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: I do care.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is a person that I love dearly, a person that I want to succeed still.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna have to love you and want the best for you from over here.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because forgiveness and healing don't mean that you have to just excuse everything for the sake of the relationship.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, contrary to belief, like you don't have to go back into a situation to prove that you are healed.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like you could be healed and still be moving in the way in which you are separate from this person or separate from this situation or event.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's uncomfortable sitting in this.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to just brush over it and say that it's just so simple and it's easy and it's clean and it happens in these steps.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, it's uncomfortable.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't feel good to sit in discomfort.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: We are creatures of habit and we like to be comfortable.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: So intentionally putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations is not something that comes firsthand to us.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: So we're always going to try and get out of this zone of discomfort because in our unconscious mind, that reads as danger.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: It makes sense.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I really feel you learn the most in these uncomfortable situations.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're forced to grow in uncomfortable situations.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you're comfortable, if things feel good, why do you have a reason to move through anything or change anything?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I've started to adapt this belief of like when things get uncomfortable, I'm going in the right direction.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because when things are starting to become like easy or like I don't have anything that is too like strenuous on me emotionally, and I know I should be in a position that I feel this, that's when I know, like, hey, I'm I'm not uh looking at this and doing the work to start healing from this situation.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Part of even beginning to understand that that was something that I needed to correct was understanding that strong doesn't mean you're unbothered.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And unbothered doesn't mean that you're strong.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I only saw, especially the women in my life, like pushing through no matter what happened, no matter what they were up against, no matter who hurt them, breakups, hardships, deaths, loss.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: They are pushing on business as usual.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that to me told me that's what a strong individual looks like.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as I grew, and as I started going to therapy and start understanding, I could see everybody's hurts so much more clear and everybody's unhealed inner selves, like on full display.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they were always there, but I was a kid, but like now, like I could fully see it.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And these are people who have also done healing, and I can see the difference between who they were like 10 years ago versus today.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: But being strong doesn't mean you don't care.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I really feel like being strong is continuing to sit in discomfort and continuing to show up and do the work, even though it's not comfortable or enjoyable, and it's very difficult to do.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like that shows strength when you have to go against the grain, against what you're really feeling, and go and move into like the hard parts of healing even more, that shows strength.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not caring, telling yourself you don't care, acting like you don't care, saying you don't care isn't strong.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like a coping mechanism or just like a throwaway of an excuse that you give yourself, but it doesn't mean that you're healed.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure what in my brain makes me such a melancholic individual.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's rooted in trauma, I don't know if I really just like melancholy things, or if it's really something that I need to move through things, but sometimes I like to sit in pain of a situation, of a thought.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I'm feeling down, sometimes I'll go deeper on per on purpose to like feel that pain even more.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of I'm not like no mascots or nothing, but like I don't know, it's something about like really being in it and fully submerging myself in it that makes me kind of comfortable in the fact that I'm in it.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I say this to say like there is a difference between intentionally sitting in the discomfort and in the pain and being stuck in it.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel that what I choose to do is put myself in the pain so that I can take it in and I can feel everything deeply and move through it so that there really is nowhere else to go but up.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I go all the way down, I get all the way in it and see all the different ways.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: I let everything flow, even if it don't make sense.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: I just let the unlimited options and possibilities come up.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And as I move through it more, and it becomes a bit easier for me to understand, I'm able to see clearer, like, okay, like the thing that I'm thinking about the situation, like that, okay, that doesn't make sense for this.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, okay, that I that's an unconscious belief that isn't true.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like the more I kind of like indulge myself in it, the more easier it is for me to move through it, but that takes intention.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I feel the differentiating factor between being stuck and putting yourself in it is when you aren't paying attention to it, you don't even realize you're in it.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then you'll just kind of be in this cycle of thoughts that are negative and it makes you feel worse, and then that makes you think negative and then it makes you feel worse, instead of being like, Hey, I need to examine this so that I can move through it, and I'm aware that I'm in it so I can continue to move through it.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's a situation that happened between me and this other person who we were very close, we had a lot of love for one another, and we had history, and the thing that happened with this individual, first of all, I didn't even realize like the gravity of the situation until later, but I knew in the moment that I was hurt, but again, I just kind of brushed it off and said I didn't care, even though every year when that time of year came up, I was very bothered.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't until I was sitting in therapy with my therapist discussing all the things in my life, and they're like, oh, um, that's significant.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, no, like it's it's fine, like it hurts, and I think about it and I remember it vividly, and I like it still bothers me, but like it's fine.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I've moved on.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't until bringing it up, and she's like, This is something that's going to take a lot of work.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: That I didn't even really begin my healing journey.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't even want to say like the first part was really beginning the healing journey because it was just that ruminating and being stuck in that pain for many years after the fact.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: There was something that happened involving this person years later, and it was to their detriment.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember being so torn, so torn.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: In one hand, I'm like, that's what you get.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: But in the other, I'm just like, damn, that really sucks.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I hate to see it.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that really let me know that, like, these mixed feelings that I'm having, like, maybe I haven't like processed it.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Cause this is just getting all murky.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: So that let me know like I was just stuck in the pain and telling myself I wasn't, telling myself I was healed.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: But really, time had just passed.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't until I started to actually discuss it and think about it and stop blaming myself and understanding how it was connecting to all these different things in life that I had experienced and all the thoughts that I had about myself and the ways in which things played out.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: And really doing that intentionally and taking time to do that, that I was able to start moving through.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the first year since this has happened.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this happened over a decade ago that the time of year came up and I was okay.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember like the day around the day coming, and I'm like, wow, like it's I didn't even like connect the dots, like this is that time, you know?
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: So that really like let me know I'm actually doing the work, and it made me really proud that I could reclaim that part of me instead of being stuck and attached and shackled to this trauma.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Cause that's really what it is as we choose not to heal through things, like we're just shackled and stuck and attached to this pain.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: And just imagine this: like, if it was like physical, like every trauma or thing that cause you pain is like another weight that gets added onto your back.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot to carry.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Bag lady, you're gonna hurt your back dragging on them bags like that.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like she really ate with that.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you really have to start to heal and put things down, and you can't tell yourself you don't care if you're still holding on to it.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, you have to realize you're even holding it, and then you have to be like, I need to put it down.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Some things are a lot more hard to just put down.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: There are certain things that are so big and significant and the big T's, like the big traumas that you can't just put down.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about assaults, deaths, things like that, like really hard traumas.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: But it is still possible to start healing and be in a healing process from these things.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: You might not be able to put it down completely because they're so big, but you don't have to be stuck to it forever.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it doesn't mean you forget, it just means you're choosing to move forward in a healed way so that you aren't being dragged down and you're living a life that is worth living, that isn't full of anger and pain and hurt.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: The thing about healing is that some things you can heal from quick.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Those are like smaller situations.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Other things have layers that you don't even understand are there, similar to the situation that I was just speaking of.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, the more you heal, the more you see, like, oh, this is hurting a few different things.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: You lift that hood and you see how much damage is done, you think you just gotta change one little thing, fix one little thing, and then you get in there and you see it's all fucked up.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: You see, it needs a full remodel.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: So those things might take a little bit longer, and sometimes you'll think I'm good.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is really something I have healed from.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Some things you can just heal from, and then life happens, and you gotta start another healing journey all the way over from scratch, and it might even trigger an old healing journey that you were on for something that you thought you healed from, or maybe you did heal from, but now it ties into this bigger picture.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: You heal old wounds, then you get new ones, and maybe those new ones open up old ones, like it's never really done because life is gone life every single day, and things happen unexpectedly, things change, you change, maybe you realize something later, and you're like, you know what?
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't mad enough at that.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, uh, they actually really had me messed up, and now I see how it's surfacing and how it's bothering me.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, things are always happening along this journey.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's why it's not linear, that's why there is no destination, there is no endpoint, there's no finish line to healing.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say, healing changes your tolerance on what you accept.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: There are certain things I've been through in the past that would stand no chance of happening again because I'm not even putting myself in situations to even let you mess me up again.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's why me and my dad have not spoken.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can't know, until I see there's more work to be done or more work that you have done, I'm not gonna put you in a situation to hurt me, to undo all this healing.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's just certain situations you will never find yourself in ever again once you've healed, once you've started healing.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because you understand the impact that it can have, and you know where you just came from.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not about to go back into that space intentionally.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: You might, if you tell yourself you don't care and you did do the work, you might tell yourself, I'm over it, I don't care.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: I could I could deal with this and then go right back.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: And now you blowing up, tripping again, back mad, back ruminating.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's because we never started that healing process at all.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: You just told yourself you did.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I have noticed that does happen the more I heal, is there are certain things I minimize that I really should have gone off on people for for even trying to play with me like that.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was a different person back then, I was more passive.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: And not everything requires an explosive response.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm saying.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: But there are some things that are like real disrespectful that I told myself in the moment, I'm not gonna go there because I don't want to hurt myself, but I got hurt anyway.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I really should have cussed people out, I really should have gone off, I really should have taken it there.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Cause that's not fair to you to minimize a situation for the sake of how they feel, because they didn't care when they came at you sideways.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: So that's one thing I did realize, even though it's okay to be like, you know what?
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: Can't do anything about it and still choosing forgiveness and still choosing healing, and I should have cussed you the fuck out.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can hold both at the same time.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're a person in a friend group who starts their healing journey after being someone who was let's call it volatile for lack of better words.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: When you were this person who was unhealed and maybe had larger responses to things.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: Look at who stays as you heal.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Some people only like you when you shrink yourself.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: That costs a lot with you, but they don't really care what that costs because it's convenient to them.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: But look at the ones who stay when you start doing the work.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because what comes with the work is bringing up hard conversations, maybe bringing an awareness to people of like, you did this to me, this is how it landed for me, and this is what I need in response moving forward.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody wants to hear that, not everybody wants to deal with that, but the ones who do, the ones that hear you, the ones who stick around through the hard days, the ones who own their part if they had anything to do with it, those are the ones who are worth having.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've talked about it time and time again, but like I was a completely different person 10 years ago.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was drinking, I was angry, I didn't have any coping tools, I didn't have any therapy, I didn't have a clue that I was so hurt.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was just moving through life, telling myself I am fine.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I look at this other end of the decade, whole new friend group, whole new person, a slew of tools to use for my coping, for my mental health, like a completely different person.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there are a few people who've known me through both sides.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why they are still here in my life is because those are people who really care, the ones who really love me for me, not for any mistakes or any outbursts or any sort of like past version of me.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like they accept me as a whole person, and so they get to see this healed version of me.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the healed version of me gets to help them and support them and show up and be a better friend, a better family member, just a better person in their lives.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm very glad that the ones who maybe weren't aligned with that kind of sought themselves out, and I get to show up in this version of myself for the ones who actually deserve it.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because unfortunately, those people were unhealed themselves.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope they get all the healing and all the care in the world that they need, but that is not my concern anymore.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm concerned about is continuing my healing journey, continuing to show up in this version of myself and grow and expand upon this version of myself and just continue to get better and know when other things come in, because they will come in.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: I've experienced trauma this year that I have to heal from.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the way in which trauma hits me now and the way I'm able to move through it, different from before.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: Before I'm shutting down, I'm getting drunk, I'm isolating, I'm just in a very bad place.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now I allow myself to process, I get in these dark places of like sorrow or depression, but it doesn't get like volatile or harmful anymore because I understand what comes with it, and I know how to move through these moments now because I've been on a healing journey for many, many years at this point.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: And to those folks who are no longer here, look, I still love them.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: I really do.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want nothing but the best for them.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I can love them over here and not be affected by their patterns and letting their unhealed selves bleed into my life anymore.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can do that.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can do that and not have to worry about like having to show up or shrinking yourself or doing all those things that an unhealed person would do.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: You just gotta observe from the sidelines, and that's cool.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I am so much further in my healing journey than I was before, and I'm nowhere near done.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's still things I'm working through, and I know there's still things in the future that I can't even see that I will have to work through.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay, because the work never really ends.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: My relationship to it has changed.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: Healing isn't something I dread anymore, it's something I've accepted, and I know like this is a part of life if you choose it, and I choose this over living in pain for the rest of my life, or at least moving through the pain for the rest of my life.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because healing doesn't mean you are going to be like free of any negative feeling, but like I choose to keep moving forward, I choose to keep moving into healing, and I know that I don't need everything resolved right now.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: If ever, I don't need that.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to be focused on continuing to move forward.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are in the middle of your own healing journey, just keep going.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: Don't look back.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you have any slip-ups, it's part of it, but keep moving forward because healing do be happening, even when it feels like it's not.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, y'all, let's get into this.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure you visit in that tiny URL link if you are interested in submitting your information for a chance to have it read during one of these episodes.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: I met someone online and we clicked immediately.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning and good night text, hours on the phone, and falling asleep on FaceTime right out the gate.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: He was talking about me moving to his state to be closer to him.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: Last November I traveled eight hours to see him and it was amazing.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then February comes and he tells me he doesn't want a relationship because he needs to fix himself.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: He also uses drugs every weekend and says he has inner demons that nobody can fix, and tells me I'm too valuable for him.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: But then turns around and calls me every day for a week, sends voice memos, and continues to fall asleep on the phone with me like nothing's wrong.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I try to plan another visit, he says he doesn't know, maybe someday, and we'll see.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: When I finally pushed for an actual answer, he went off on me and said I'm insufferable, then hung up on me.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then two days later, texts me, you alive, and apologizes for reacting that way.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: He previously told me that his ex came for a weekend once and ended up staying for two years, but I can't even get a confirmed visit.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know he's not giving me what I need, but he keeps coming back and I keep picking up.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Does he actually care about me or am I just holding on to something that was never really there to begin with?
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: P.S.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 27 and he's 10 years older than me.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: For context.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I say this with love, babe.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um the signs are clear.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't want anything to do with you in a relationship aspect, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: He wants to possess you.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't want to be with you.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: He wants you to move to his state, but don't come visit him, but don't be in a relationship and wants to go off on you and talk to you any kind of way, but wants you to answer his phone calls and entertain him while he's over in this other state doing what exactly?
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, you are young, uh, 27.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's I consider that young.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: Got a lot to learn.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna make this real simple.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: This man is a walking red flag.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead and just cut that off.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's not interested.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't want you.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: He does not.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: He wants you to entertain him, and he wants you to come to him when he wants you to come to him, and that's it.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: But anybody who wants you, any situation that is for you, it'll be very apparent that they want you.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: He's giving you every sign that he does not want you.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how else to say it.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um I get like wanting him to want you, but he don't, babe.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he's 30.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: You said 10 years older, he's 37 years old acting like this.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, we're too old to act like that.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, I'm sorry.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I think you need to block him and never talk to him again.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let him contact you.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: He seems like the type to try and reach out from a different number.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just kind of reading the room.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, don't get in contact with this man.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: Start fresh.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: Start with someone maybe close by so you don't have to beg to see them and you don't have to uproot your life for the sake of someone else.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I am sorry, but that man is an absolute nightmare.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope you do not go back.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because he don't want you there, girl.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: All right, that's it for today's episode.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure y'all are following us on the socials, hitting us on the email, and visiting the link for all I say this with love submissions.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you ain't done so by now, go check out that episode where Wifey just dropped last week.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know y'all been y'all been hearing me talk about her for the longest, but now you actually get to meet her.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have not taken a look, go check it out right now.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate y'all.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.