Latest / Shallow Nights: Scary Bedtime Stories / Journey Through Love and Loss: Overcoming Grief and Embracing New Beginnings

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Journey Through Love and Loss: Overcoming Grief and Embracing New Beginnings · Shallow Nights: Scary Bedtime Stories

0:13
The hand in mind used to be my little sisters.
0:16
Ava was born when I was 12, and she looked up to me the way most
0:20
children looked up to their parents, not their siblings.
0:24
Her father abandoned us a few months before she was born, and
0:28
our mother worked long hours of menial jobs to provide for us,
0:32
so I ended up being Ava's world. I understood the pressure my
0:37
mother was under, and I loved my little sister, so I never
0:40
complained about babysitting after school and during the
0:43
summers. Ava was mischievous, loving,
0:47
precocious, and had a stubborn streak that rivaled mine, and I
0:52
devoted every free moment to her.
0:55
Although she did love our mother, I was the one Ava came
0:58
to when she had stories to share, wanted answers to a
1:01
question, or was frightened by nightmares.
1:05
Her attachment to me was fed by her admiration and I enjoyed
1:09
being her protector and guide as we navigated the world together.
1:15
With Ava's hand in mind, we would walk to the park or the
1:18
library and spend the afternoons there until supper time, which
1:23
is when we would go home so I could cook and do my homework
1:27
and clean the house. After supper, I would sing Ava
1:30
to sleep and leave dinner in the oven for our mother before
1:33
turning in for the night. The next morning during
1:37
breakfast, Ava would perform the highlights of the previous day
1:41
to our mother, her innocent exuberance softening the looming
1:45
stress of the grueling day ahead.
1:48
It was a routine we had grown accustomed to, and we made the
1:51
most of it, thankful for our health and each other.
1:56
After graduating high school, I chose to stay home and help my
1:59
mother support the family. She opposed my decision,
2:02
insisting that I apply for scholarships and follow my
2:05
dreams. But I told her my dreams could
2:07
wait. I didn't want Ava to feel
2:09
abandoned at such a young age. My mother gave me a tight,
2:14
grateful hug and promised she would try to take a few days off
2:18
so we could have our first family road trip.
2:22
That road trip created unforgettable memories, all
2:26
tarnished in a single instant when a drunk driver collided
2:29
with our car, taking my sister's life along with his own.
2:35
My mother and I survived, but not without misfortune.
2:40
Along with our injuries and grief, our stay at the hospital
2:44
revealed that I would be losing my entire left arm and that she
2:48
had previously undiagnosed cancer.
2:53
After we were discharged, I remained with my mother.
2:57
The funeral and our medical expenses had left us in debt and
3:01
our loss had wrung our hearts. We needed each other.
3:05
It was a difficult Rd. for us, learning to cope with our
3:08
mourning or diagnosis, my amputation and our poverty.
3:14
With my inability to leave the house during my recovery and
3:17
with no close family and no time for friends, the entire burden
3:22
fell on my indomitable mother as she held three jobs that left
3:26
her exhausted, her hands rough and cracked.
3:30
Yet she never once complained and accepted her fate with
3:33
grace. Without my sister to devote my
3:37
time to, I doubled down on the housework to make up for my
3:41
uselessness, but this proved to be a challenge.
3:44
Although I didn't lose my dominant hand, I still had to
3:47
relearn how to calibrate my balance and perform basic tasks
3:52
such as washing up, dressing, eating, cleaning and cooking.
3:57
It didn't help that my brain continued believing my left arm
4:00
existed, leading me to rely on my phantom limb to support
4:04
myself or hold things with my well-intentioned help, more
4:07
often than not ending up catastrophic.
4:10
My mother suggested I take it easy until I got used to my new
4:14
state. I reluctantly agreed.
4:17
One evening, as I was crying in my room, a startling sensation
4:22
in my phantom limb interrupted myself.
4:25
Loathing, I sat up, my tears forgotten as I stared at the
4:30
empty space where my arm would be.
4:32
I felt a hand in mine, a small, soft, familiar hand gripping me
4:37
tight, as tight as when we used to cross the streets to go to
4:41
the park or the library. Ava.
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I whispered. The fingers pressed down one
4:48
after the other, the way Avis did when she was happy, and my
4:52
tears started anew. I ran to my mother and after the
4:56
initial shock of being woken up, she hugged me as we both wept in
5:00
a mixture of sorrow and exaltation.
5:04
She wiped my tears with her calloused, Bony fingers and said
5:08
this was my sister's way of thanking me for being there for
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her by now, being there for me. Ava's hand never faltered,
5:16
providing me with comfort throughout the duration of my
5:19
recovery. Her constant presence also
5:22
served to keep my left arm occupied and my mind grew to
5:26
accept the permanent contact and stopped volunteering my phantom
5:30
limb to perform impossible tasks in return.
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I resumed singing to Ava at night.
5:37
Her grip would never go LAX the way a sleeping persons would,
5:41
but I knew she enjoyed it as her fingers pressed down one after
5:45
the other to the melody. With my mother and sister's
5:49
support, I adapted to my new reality as I learned to manage
5:53
my pain and maneuver without difficulty.
5:56
Once I felt capable of holding down a job, I walked into town
6:00
armed with optimism, my resume, and my mother's blessing.
6:05
As I navigated the sidewalks, I found myself subconsciously
6:09
following my sister's subtle tugging.
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Now aware of her guidance, curiosity took over and I
6:16
followed until I ended up at Henrietta's health Hut.
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Confused, I walked in and Henrietta welcomed me with more
6:23
compassion than usual. Aware of our circumstances, she
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asked if I needed a job and offered me a part time cashier
6:31
position. I was beyond grateful the next
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day when Ava guided me to Earl's Auto.
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I had my resume ready and managed to secure a part time
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job cleaning and polishing his rows of used cars.
6:44
A week later, Ava guided me do Benji pins where Benjamin hired
6:48
me as the evening counter attendant at his bowling alley.
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My mother and I came to call Ava my guardian Angel.
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Whenever she tugged at my hand, I followed her lead.
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Sometimes she would usher me towards opportunities, sometimes
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she would protect me from injury or unsavory situations, and
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sometimes the purpose of her guidance was a mystery, but I
7:12
always abided without hesitation.
7:15
Yet despite my guardian angels help, my mother and I weren't
7:19
able to earn enough to pay off our debts, nor were we able to
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afford chemotherapy or medical relief.
7:26
After four months, my mother became too weak for her labor
7:29
intensive jobs and had to resign.
7:33
In desperation, I reached out to the community.
7:37
I took a day off to set up a donation stand in front of the
7:40
local library, and a few sympathetic people passed by to
7:44
offer their support and donations.
7:46
Our town's residents weren't wealthy, so every penny was
7:50
received with heartfelt gratitude.
7:53
After seeking charity for most of the day, the sun began to set
7:57
and foot traffic dwindled. Ava tugged at my arm, signaling
8:01
it was time to go, and I rubbed the fatigue in tears out of my
8:04
eyes as I packed up to head home.
8:08
Distracted by my morose thoughts and Ava's impatient tugging, I
8:13
fumble with my poster and jumped in surprise when a pair of hands
8:17
reached out to help. Ava's tugging became urgent and
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I tensed up as I turned to face the stranger, only to have my
8:24
breath taken by a pair of expressive brown eyes.
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Hey there, didn't mean to scare you.
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The young woman said with a bright smile.
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Just look like you could use some help.
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What you got here? She took my poster and inspected
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it, her sunny expression shifting to sorrow.
8:45
Oh, I'm sorry about your mother. How'd the fundraising go?
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Everyone helped as much as they could.
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I replied, my pulse erasing with a mixture of emotions.
8:56
Her breezy confidence was unusual in our town and I
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wondered if that was why my guardian Angel was apprehensive.
9:03
Are you new here? I don't think I've seen you
9:06
around before. Yep.
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She smiled and reached a handout.
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The name's Quinn, I inherited my uncle's house after he passed
9:15
away. Got me out of the hell hole I
9:17
was in before, just when she left me some money too.
9:22
She chuckled and I couldn't help but smile, my wariness ebbing
9:26
despite Ava's agitation. Welcome.
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I'm Maya, I said, shaking her hand.
9:33
I'm sorry about your uncle. Don't be.
9:37
He died doing what he loved. The old kook.
9:40
You may have known him, he used to own the sugar daddy candy
9:43
shop around the corner here before he shut it down.
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She leaned over, her breath minty as she whispered.
9:50
A bit of a risque name for this quaint little town, if you ask
9:54
me. I laughed, trying to ignore the
9:58
butterflies in my stomach. He did get a lot of Flack for
10:02
that, but he was really generous, so people forgave him.
10:06
He used to give my sister and me free gummy bears.
10:09
That's the guy. She rolled up my poster and
10:13
snapped a rubber band around it, her gaze lingering on my
10:16
collections box. How much did you make?
10:20
Ava's warning returned to the forefront, and I slid the box
10:24
closer to me, gripping it tight. None of your business.
10:28
You're right, you're right. I'm sorry, that was pretty rude
10:32
of me. I was just asking because I
10:34
don't think you'd be able to collect enough with this method.
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Have you tried asking for donations online?
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Her sincerity was disarming. No, I don't know how to do that.
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I replied after a second of hesitation.
10:49
I do, if you have time, we can go up to the library right now
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and set it up. Quinn gave me a warm smile and I
10:58
eased up as I smiled back. That's really kind of you, thank
11:03
you. We spent the early evening in
11:07
the library as we set up a crowdfunding campaign, and Ava's
11:11
tugging became background noise as Quinn's earnest advice and
11:15
unreserved personality drew me in.
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It was only when I felt a sharp pain in my phantom limb that I
11:21
jumped in shock, aware that I had been ignoring my guardian
11:24
Angel. I blathered out a mixture of
11:28
appreciation and apology before I left Quinn at the library,
11:32
flustered and ashamed as I wondered if Ava had wanted me to
11:36
go back because my mother needed me.
11:39
I ran home expecting the worst, and I sighed in relief when my
11:43
mother greeted me with a tired yet affectionate smile.
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I didn't understand Ava's actions, but I was certain there
11:51
was a valid reason behind them. She always guided me right, and
11:55
I was grateful for her protection and help.
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Yet I couldn't help but acknowledge how had I listened
12:01
to her, I never would have met Quinn, who offered me hope in
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our darkest time. The crowdfunding campaign was a
12:09
moderate success, and it raised a decent amount.
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Unfortunately, it was too little too late.
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The doctor said the money would be better spent making my mother
12:19
comfortable during her last months, so I hired a stay at
12:23
home nurse to tend to her while I worked my three jobs to
12:27
support us and pay off our debts.
12:30
I wished I could thank Quinn for her help, but we never exchanged
12:34
contact information nor did we ever bump into each other on the
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streets. I assume she may have realized
12:41
this town was too small for her, sold her uncle's place and left
12:45
to the greener pastures my mother always wished for me.
12:49
I tried to never question Mavis counsel again, but one afternoon
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my obedience was tested. During my one hour break between
12:57
jobs on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, my sister would guide me to the
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Sub Bus, a sandwich shop near Henrietta's Health Hut.
13:07
But today was Monday, and I was looking forward to Grover's
13:10
tomato soup. As I neared Grover's Cafe, Ava
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pulled my arm in the opposite direction and I stumbled to a
13:17
halt, my smile fading in disappointment.
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I turned to walk away, but my cravings made me look back.
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My mouth twisted in deliberation.
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I calculated a quick compromise. Instead of dining in, I would
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take my tomato soup to go. I took a few hopeful steps
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towards the cafe, but Ava yanked my arm in the opposite direction
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once again. Sighing in defeat, I acquiesced,
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certain my guardian Angel was protecting me from some
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perceived danger. I shuffled away, only to jump as
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someone called out to me. Hey, Maya, wait.
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I turned around and my mouth fell open when I saw Quinn
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running up to me, a Grover's Cafe apron tied around her
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waist. Ava frantically pulled up my
14:07
arm, but I didn't listen as my heart performed a few
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somersaults. Have you been avoiding me?
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Quinn asked as she stood in front of me, her arms crossed.
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I know you come to Grover's when I'm not working there because he
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keeps raving about the one armed girl who lives for his tomato
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soup. And today I take over Kerry's
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shift and here you are playing tug of war with yourself, afraid
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to come in. Why no, I didn't even know.
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I trailed off, my eyes expanding as I realized the lengths my
14:38
guardian Angel had gone to just to keep Quinn and me apart.
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Ava had an aversion to Quinn herself, I just didn't know why.
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Miss. Reading my reaction, Quinn
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laughed. Hey, I'm just kidding, didn't
14:52
mean to put you on the spot. A hopeful look replaced her
14:55
joviality. How's your mother?
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Did the crowdfunding work? Her concern eased my mind.
15:03
Oh yes it did. It wasn't enough for chemo, but
15:08
she now has meds and an in home nurse always with her.
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Doris is amazing, so I can work knowing my mom's in good hands.
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After a beat I shrugged off my sister's forceful tugging and
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said. I'd like to thank you.
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Can I treat you to coffee sometime?
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Quinn grinned. How about in 15 minutes?
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Oh, I have to be at Earl's Auto in 45 and, and after I I work at
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Benji Pins till midnight. Then come in, we'll get you some
15:39
tomato soup and after my shift I'll join you for the remaining
15:42
half hour and walk you to Earl's.
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How's that? I smiled.
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OK, Hoping to understand why Ava's reaction to Quinn
15:52
conflicted with mine, I hit Quinn with rapid fire questions
15:56
more personal and intense than the ones I had asked in the
16:00
library. She replied with humor and
16:02
candor, joking that this wasn't the first time she'd been
16:05
interrogated and I found myself captivated by her experiences
16:09
and outlook. In return, she hit me back with
16:13
her own rapid fire questions and listen to my answers with
16:16
interest. Although life had taught me
16:19
early on to guard my inclination, the ease I felt
16:22
sharing my history, dreams and interests with Quinn pushed the
16:26
initial attraction to the next level.
16:30
I didn't solve the mystery of Ava's aversion and I didn't
16:33
care. When I went home later that
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evening, I was exhausted yet exhilarated.
16:39
I bounced in my step as I told my mother the news.
16:42
She was so happy for me that I omitted the mention of my
16:45
guardian angels disapproval and to appease my sister, I
16:49
continued to follow her leadership and sing her to
16:51
sleep. She appeared to have forgiven
16:54
me, not minding that Quinn and I kept in touch via phone calls
16:57
and texts. But when it came to seeing Quinn
17:00
in person again, Ava wasn't pleased.
17:05
Quinn and I met up at a shabby arcade not far from where I
17:08
lived. Despite Ava's distraction, we
17:10
managed to collect enough tickets to win a prize, and I
17:14
made a beeline towards the two for one key chains.
17:17
I searched the baskets and narrowed my choices to the
17:20
glitter plastic starfish. What's your favorite color?
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I asked Quinn. Orange.
17:27
Yours. I like blue.
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I replied as I tugged through the starfish until I found an
17:32
orange one. Couldn't you have said pink?
17:35
Quinn joked as she sifted through the predominantly pink
17:39
collection. I chuckled and clipped the
17:41
orange starfish to the strap of my messenger bag.
17:45
Did you know starfish can regrow their arms if they lose them?
17:49
I'm glad I can't because then I wouldn't have.
17:53
A swallowed my words and Quinn looked up from the basket she
17:56
was rummaging in. Wouldn't have a what?
18:00
Throughout all our conversations, I never once
18:03
mentioned my guardian Angel. I didn't want to then and I
18:07
wasn't sure I wanted to now, if it was something personal to me
18:12
and I wasn't ready to share her presence and influence with
18:15
Quinn. Not yet.
18:18
Nothing, I said, I just meant things happen for a reason, so
18:22
we shouldn't be upset or regretful because there might be
18:27
a miracle behind it. Deep.
18:29
Quinn said with an exaggerated nod of contemplation.
18:33
I had no idea you were so spiritual.
18:36
She laughed as I gave her a playful nudge with my hip.
18:39
Oh, shush. I said.
18:42
She resumed her search and managed to fish out an elusive
18:44
of blue starfish. She studied it for a few seconds
18:48
and I gasped when she snapped off one of its arms.
18:52
What'd you do that for? I asked.
18:55
Quinn gave me a mischievous smile.
18:58
To see if it'll grow back. I smacked her shoulder and she
19:02
chuckled as she clipped the starfish on the buckle of her
19:05
backpack. I think it looks perfect this
19:08
way. She hooked her arm in mine.
19:11
Come on, let's get out of here. I feel like ice cream.
19:15
My treat. While we shared a banana split.
19:19
I winced us as sensations in my phantom limb evolved from urgent
19:22
pulling to sharp pangs, almost as though Ava was digging her
19:27
nails into my flesh. Quinn noticed to my discomfort.
19:31
You don't look so high. Are you OK?
19:34
Yeah, just standard phantom limb pain.
19:38
I grimaced after a particularly vicious pang, my stomach
19:42
turning. Actually, I'm sorry, I think I
19:47
need to go home and rest. I set my spoon down with an
19:51
apologetic smile and stood up. Thank you for the ice cream,
19:55
next time we should try poppies. My tree.
19:59
Quinn stood up as well. Sure, but I'm not letting you
20:02
walk alone like this. It's OK, I'll be fine.
20:06
I live in the opposite direction of you anyways, I don't care if
20:10
you live in Timbuktu. She said, tossing the leftover
20:14
ice cream in the trash. Let's get you home.
20:18
She hooked her arm in mine, supporting me the entire walk to
20:21
my house. And she gave me a quick Peck on
20:24
the lips before we bid each other good night.
20:26
With my fluttering heart at odds with my abused limb, I
20:30
researched all I could about Quinn online, But I couldn't
20:33
find a shred of evidence to support my guardian angels
20:36
antipathy. After asking Doris for some
20:40
privacy, I told my mother the truth.
20:43
She wiped my confused tears and held my hand in her calloused
20:47
Bony ones, comforting me as we tried to come up with reason and
20:51
remedy. She suggested that as my
20:54
guardian Angel, Ava may be protecting me from the
20:57
disapproving eyes of our straight laced community.
21:02
To pacify my sister. I stroked the air where her hand
21:05
would be latched onto mine and assured her I could handle
21:09
myself when the discomfort persisted.
21:13
I sang to her for an entire hour until my voice became hoarse.
21:17
She didn't relent and giving up, I resorted to taking painkillers
21:22
as I curled up next to my mother, her love and warmth
21:26
soothing me to sleep. The next morning I was relieved
21:31
to find Ava's peaceful hand in mine, but her nails dug their
21:35
way into my flesh again when I opened a message from Quinn.
21:39
She had sent me a website detailing at home remedies for
21:42
phantom limb pain. Touched by her gesture and
21:45
frustrated by Ava, I tried to reassure my sister of my
21:49
awareness and conviction, but she didn't realize her vicious
21:53
grip until after I closed the website.
21:57
The following weeks were a battle as my stubbornness
22:00
challenged my guardian angels. I dutifully sang to her and
22:05
followed her lead for every occasion.
22:07
Yet I wouldn't listen when it came to avoiding Quinn.
22:10
In return, Ava punished me with her bitter tantrums.
22:15
Although the side glances Quinn and I got in public were a
22:18
reality, I couldn't understand why Ava refused to acknowledge
22:22
the positive influence Quinn had on my life, as her presence
22:25
lightened my mood, soothed my stress, and suspended my
22:29
troubles. When I introduced Quinn to my
22:32
mother, it felt as though she had always been a part of the
22:35
family. Even Doris took a liking to her,
22:38
as Quinn would drop by while I was at work to cheer my mother
22:41
up with her anecdotes and jokes. I was certain my mother's
22:45
approval and happiness would convince Ava that Quinn wasn't a
22:48
threat, but my sister remained stubborn.
22:52
Whenever Quinn noticed my pain, she would offer to help in any
22:55
way. Once, as we sat in the mirrored
22:58
booths of Lorraine's and Diner awaiting our milkshakes, Quinn
23:02
began massaging my right arm while I looked at my reflection.
23:05
Of course, my brain into thinking it was my left arm.
23:08
Her gentle touch satiated my heart, but it didn't dissuade
23:13
Ava. It also didn't amuse Lorraine
23:16
who banned us from her diner since Quinn got the last word in
23:21
proclaiming that Lorraine's milkshakes tasted like curdled
23:24
orcs pus. We were also banned from other
23:27
establishments run by Lorraine's family.
23:30
Two were hair salons and one was the daycare that had accepted
23:33
Ava in return for my mother's cleaning services.
23:37
So Quinn and I weren't inconvenienced, but our
23:40
exclusion only supported my guardian angels point of view
23:45
after a particularly unpleasant day.
23:47
We snuggled on the couch and Quinn leaned her head against
23:50
mine as she said. One day we're going to leave
23:54
this crappy town behind. Yeah, and find us a paradise
23:58
50,000 miles away. She chuckled.
24:00
That'd bring us right back here. What do you mean?
24:05
50,000 miles is almost exactly twice around the world.
24:09
Oh, my mom always wishes for me to follow my dreams and find
24:13
happiness 50,000 miles away from this miserable town.
24:17
You still could. Quinton quickly said.
24:21
Sorry, I was just being pedantic.
24:24
It's only true if we go around the fattest part of the earth,
24:27
and my math's probably way off to.
24:30
I smiled. Or maybe her wish was for me to
24:33
find you right here, just in a roundabout way.
24:38
Emotion softened her eyes and she held me close as she joked.
24:43
Well, now that we've travelled 50,000 miles to find each other,
24:47
finding a paradise far from this dump should be a piece of cake.
24:53
Although travelling anywhere was a fanciful dream, I shared it
24:56
with my sister, hoping to reassure her that the future was
24:59
bright if we could just be patient.
25:02
But patience was never one of Ava's strong suits.
25:06
During the first few months, I tolerated the penalty, the
25:09
happiness I felt being with Quinn outweighing any
25:12
discomfort. But with each new date, the pain
25:15
increased in duration and intensity until it wasn't
25:19
agonizing, constant. I would spend the nights crying
25:22
as it felt like Ava was biting and clawing at my phantom limb.
25:26
With Savage abandoned, nothing provided relief, and my
25:30
strained, desperate singing failed to appease her.
25:34
My mother would often stay up to soothe me, and I felt terrible
25:38
knowing how much pain she was in herself, yet unable to reassure
25:42
her as I sobbed against her frail body.
25:46
The torment reached a point where I could barely focus on my
25:48
jobs after receiving a barrage of complaints from customers
25:52
returning the wrong size to bowling shoes, what I dreaded
25:56
most became reality when Benjamin remorsefully had to let
25:59
me go. Devastated, I knew Ava had one.
26:05
I discussed the options with my mother and she gave me a sad
26:08
smile and wished me strength as we both agreed on what I had to
26:12
do. With a heavy heart, I invited
26:16
Quinn over. The moment she saw my face, she
26:20
held my clammy, trembling hand in concern.
26:23
What's going on? Is it your mom?
26:27
No, my mom's OK. As OK as she could be.
26:33
Quinn swept the damp hair off of my forehead.
26:36
Is it your phantom limb? I don't get why you refuse to
26:39
see a specialist. And Doris is right, suffering
26:42
like this isn't normal. I keep telling you we could set
26:45
up another crowdfunding campaign.
26:48
No, Quinn. I.
26:50
I pushed through the pain and took a nervous breath.
26:54
Remember when I told you about my little sister?
26:57
Yes, Ava, Right? I nodded.
27:01
Well, I never told you that she, she holds my hand, my left hand.
27:08
She's been helping me, leading me far from all the bad stuff
27:12
and guiding me to all the good stuff in my life.
27:14
And from the first day I met you, she's been trying to pull
27:17
me away so she doesn't think I'm one of the good stuff in your
27:22
life? Quinn asked, half joking as she
27:25
tried to follow along. I know it sounds crazy.
27:29
I said, holding back tears. But she's the reason I have this
27:32
pain. She's hurting me because she's
27:34
angry I disobeyed her. She doesn't want us to be
27:37
together. Quinn let go of my hand and
27:41
frowned in confusion. Boy, you're serious.
27:46
You want me to believe that your little sister's ghost is
27:49
punishing you for dating me by taking it out on your missing
27:52
arm? I nodded, sniffling.
27:55
You're an amazing person, Quinn. You're the reason I've been
27:58
bearing all this pain. But I can't.
28:02
Not anymore. It's getting worse, and I've
28:04
already lost my job at Benjamin's.
28:07
I can't afford to get fired from the rest.
28:10
We have to stop seeing each other.
28:14
In a desperate attempt to justify this force to break up,
28:18
I gauged Quinn's reaction. As I said, Ava's my guardian
28:22
Angel. She protects me.
28:25
It's like she knows the future and can see people's secrets and
28:27
intentions. Quinn's innocent, puzzled
28:31
expression filled me with shame at my veiled accusation.
28:36
I knew she wasn't malicious, but I had selfishly hoped to ease my
28:39
heartbreak by uncovering a more reasonable explanation for Ava's
28:43
disapproval. But now there is no denying my
28:46
guardian angels viewpoint. I look down in defeat.
28:50
I think Ava believes this town won't accept you and me
28:53
together. I've tried over and over to
28:55
convince her that I'll be OK, but she's stubborn.
28:58
She thinks she's protecting me. She's only 6.
29:01
She doesn't know any better. She doesn't know this will hurt
29:04
me just as much. I began crying as my heart
29:07
contorted. I'm sorry.
29:11
After a few silent seconds, Quinn cleared her throat.
29:16
Eva, you're only 6, so I'll keep this simple.
29:20
I promise to leave your big sister alone as long as you
29:23
promise to stop being such a meanie to her.
29:27
I turned my head up in surprise and caught her shooting a stern
29:30
look at where my left hand would be.
29:33
Her eyes then travelled up to meet mine and she gave me a soft
29:36
smile that teetered between playful and tragic.
29:40
I emitted A tearful chuckle before I stifled a SOB.
29:44
If this is what it takes, then I hope it works and you never feel
29:48
pain ever again. She said, tucking my hair behind
29:51
my ear. Overwhelmed, I reached out to
29:54
hug her, but the pain spiked and I drew back, gasping.
29:58
Quinn winced in sympathy and stepped away, her hands up in
30:02
surrender. I'm sorry, I whispered,
30:06
grimacing. Don't be.
30:08
You deserve a happy life, Maya, and if me leaving brings you a
30:13
tiny step closer to that, I'm ready to do it yesterday.
30:17
She paused, then whispered. But if you ever need me, we'll
30:21
always be there for you and your mom.
30:23
Just ask, OK? I nodded, sniffling, and she
30:28
nodded back in, her smile not enough to mask the emotions
30:32
behind her eyes. I watched through my tears as
30:35
she walked out into the night, her 4 limbed starfish glittering
30:39
a farewell as it swayed on the buckle of her backpack.
30:44
I spent the evening in agony, my heart broken, my arm ravaged, my
30:48
memories enshrined. When morning rolled around, the
30:52
pain subsided and I gave my mother the bitter sweet news,
30:56
knowing she was suffering just as much, seeing her daughter
30:59
grieve and writhe with her sad smile and now a permanent
31:03
fixture. She pointed to the orange
31:05
starfish I had fashioned into a pendant and I broke down again,
31:09
burying myself in her arms. Despite my aching heart.
31:14
I went about my usual routine, red eyed and glum as I abided by
31:19
Ava's wishes while walking to the sub bus during my break.
31:23
I reflexively stood still when Ava tugged my arm down to lost
31:28
in melancholy thoughts to wonder if she was saving me from a
31:30
speeding bicycle or a falling potted plant.
31:35
I was jolted back to reality when a man tackled me to the
31:37
ground and landed on top of me, knocking my breath out.
31:41
A split second later, glass exploded behind us and I ducked
31:45
under him, shielding myself from the hail of shards.
31:49
When the commotion died down, the man got to his feet,
31:52
brushing the glass out of his hair and jacket before helping
31:55
me up off The Dirty snow. Around us, a crowd of onlookers
32:00
gawked at a runaway tire that had crashed through the display
32:04
of Rhonda's boutique. I stared in disbelief, wondering
32:09
how Ava could have miscalculated the risk.
32:12
The man snapped his fingers in front of my face, asking if I
32:15
was OK, and I shook myself out of my days as I nodded, thanking
32:20
him. He told me to pay attention to
32:23
my surroundings next time, and I apologized before I made my way
32:27
over to the sub bus, confused and shaken.
32:31
After collecting myself, I gave Ava the benefit of the doubt and
32:35
continued to follow her lead for the rest of the day.
32:38
Not keen on experiencing phantom torment again, I tried to take
32:43
the man's advice and remain alert instead of blindly obeying
32:47
my guardian Angel. But habits were difficult to
32:50
break, especially when the heart and mind were preoccupied.
32:55
While walking home with groceries later that evening, I
32:58
follow David down a path I rarely took at night.
33:01
Exhausted, cold, and downcast, I didn't notice a trio of men
33:06
emerging from the shadows until they approached me.
33:10
Cat calling. I tensed up and tried to walk by
33:13
without incident, but one of them grabbed the empty sleeve of
33:16
my winter jacket and yanked me back.
33:19
My fight or flight incited, I dropped my groceries and slipped
33:23
out of the jacket, leaving everything behind as I bolted
33:26
home. I arrived at my front door
33:30
soaked with sweat, snow, and tears as I shivered against the
33:34
cold and adrenaline. My mother was asleep, but Doris
33:38
noticed my state and comforted me, helping me report the
33:41
incident before she ran me a hot bath and cobbled together some
33:45
dinner. I thanked her for going beyond
33:49
her duties as she tucked me in and assured me that the police
33:52
will catch my assailants. I nodded, but I was more
33:56
disquieted by my guardian angels change of behavior.
33:59
Hoping to ease Ava's deadly petulance, I sang her favorite
34:03
songs, tears streaming down my face as I longed for Quinn's
34:07
warmth, humor, and compassion. Despite my efforts at appeasing
34:12
her the next day, Ava continued to lead me towards perilous
34:16
situations, and I had no choice but to ignore her in order to
34:20
survive. To my dismay, the disregarded
34:25
tugs amplified to pain once more as Ava's little fingernails
34:30
found their way deep inside my phantom flesh.
34:35
I clenched my jaw, determined not to let her affect my
34:38
routine, but tears aligned my eyes as I wondered what I could
34:41
have done to deserve such punishment.
34:44
I apologize to Ava yet again for ignoring her in favor of Quinn
34:48
and begged for her forgiveness. Then I froze as an alternate
34:53
theory materialized in my mind. Quinn wasn't a threat to me.
34:58
She was a threat to Ava. Ava was loved and coddled as my
35:04
little sister and cherished and revered as my guiding star, my
35:08
protector, my savior. She and my mother were the sole
35:12
occupants of my heart and mind, the three of us an unbreakable,
35:15
supportive unit. Then Quinn found her way in
35:20
saving me in a different way. To my mother, Quinn was always
35:24
welcome. To my sister, Quinn was
35:27
competition. Quinn divided my attention,
35:30
occupied my time, and earned my gratitude.
35:34
And Ava must have felt her esteemed position threatened.
35:38
She forced me to banish Quinn for my life, but she didn't
35:41
realize that Quinn would remain in my heart and mind, her place
35:44
forever preserved. This permanent restructuring
35:48
must not have suited Ava after experiencing her hazardous
35:52
guidance. Despite my renewed obedience, I
35:55
wondered if her childlike selfishness was demanding I join
35:59
her in the afterlife, hand in hand with my pure and undivided
36:03
attention as we were in life that night.
36:07
Wincing against the pain, I curled up in my mother's
36:10
skeletal frame and told her my suspicions regarding Ava and her
36:13
jealousy. My mother remains silent, her
36:17
calloused, Bony fingers tracing the features of my face with
36:21
tenderness and deliberation, as if she was trying to memorize
36:25
them. Realizing my insensitivity, I
36:29
kissed her, apologizing for making her life more difficult
36:33
than it needed to be. She gave me her sad smile and
36:37
patted her heart, and I patted mine back, holding back tears as
36:41
I hugged her as tight as I could without hurting her.
36:45
Before bed, I tried to reason with Ava, explaining how no one
36:49
would ever take her place and I didn't want to lose my guardian
36:52
Angel. I assured her that Quinn's
36:54
memory wasn't a threat and that heartache will diminish over
36:57
time, but Ava's nails refused to relent.
37:01
I appealed to her compassion as I reminded her that our mother
37:04
was sick and needed me, but that didn't sway Ava either.
37:10
The next morning, I walked to Henrietta's health Hut with
37:12
hollow eyes in a clenched jaw, frustrated yet determined not to
37:17
let Ava's unjust punishment distract me from my
37:20
responsibilities. I had barely begun my shift when
37:25
the digging nails were replaced by the petulant biting and
37:28
scratching. I managed to power through them
37:31
as I greeted customers and scan their herbal supplements and
37:35
protein shakes, but when the pain escalated to unfamiliar
37:39
levels, I had to brace myself against the counter, my heart
37:42
straining with each sharp pang. Sweat trickled down my face as I
37:48
tried to maintain my professionalism, but after
37:50
fumbling with Mr. Wilmer's items, he called out to
37:53
Henrietta in disgust. He blamed my unnatural state on
37:57
my aberrant lifestyle, but she ignored his complaints as she
38:01
escorted me to her office and sat me down on her couch.
38:05
Through tears and sobs, I apologized and begged Henrietta
38:09
not to fire me, claiming that I only had a migraine.
38:13
She was quick to assure me that I was an invaluable employee as
38:17
she popped open a bottle of natural painkillers and handed
38:20
me a juice box. She then closed the lights,
38:24
lowered the blinds and told me to lie down and relax while she
38:27
took over my shift. Left alone in the room, I
38:32
ignored the painkillers and juice, my stomach twisting and
38:35
heaving. The pain was no longer a child's
38:38
tantrum, but bona fide torture. My skin flayed, my muscles
38:43
peeled, my raw nerves pulled apart strand by strand.
38:48
My heart stuttered and lurched against the suffocating agony
38:52
and I clawed up. My arms vacated space as I
38:54
begged Ava for mercy. She was relentless, and I welled
38:59
in despair as her goal became clear.
39:01
If I wasn't going to be led to my death, then I was going to be
39:05
driven to it. Although death's promise of
39:08
relief seduced me, I refused to succumb.
39:11
My mother needed me. I had to fight, but I couldn't
39:15
do it alone. Amidst flashes of blinding pain
39:18
and my flowing tears, I managed to call Quinn.
39:21
Hey, Maya. My voice came out a taut squeak
39:24
as I grimaced against the pain. Quinn, Maya, is everything OK?
39:31
Is it your mom? No.
39:34
Is it the phantom limb pain? I sobbed my despairing yes,
39:38
fragmented. I'm leaving work right now.
39:41
Are you at Henrietta's? Yes, I'm running over.
39:45
I'll be there in 5. We're going to get through this,
39:48
OK? I whispered, A strained OK
39:52
before I hung up, my phone tumbling out of my hand as a bed
39:55
of nausea washed over me. I groaned, gasping for air as my
40:00
vision speckled and the blood drained from my face.
40:04
I lay down, but the heartless mutilation of my arm continued,
40:08
and I buried my face in the cushions as I bawled, my
40:12
tormented screams muffled. Wave upon wave of agony twisted
40:18
my soul and unravelled my sanity, each spasm and assault
40:22
that drew me closer to the grave.
40:25
My beleaguered heart convulsed as I writhed against the couch,
40:29
my sweat soaked shirt plastered to my skin, every desperate
40:33
breath competing with a cry for mercy.
40:36
And then mercy was granted. A deep, trembling breath filled
40:41
my lungs as relief shrouded me, soothing my limp, haggard frame.
40:46
I felt as though I had surfaced from a ravenous abyss and landed
40:50
in paradise, every atom celebrating its emancipation.
40:55
I sat up, shaking, and bewilderment joined my exhausted
40:59
relief. My phantom limb was completely
41:01
illiberated. The pain was gone, but so was
41:05
Ava. My left arm felt almost foreign
41:09
without the ethereal contact I had grown accustomed to.
41:14
A mixture of motions incited fresh tears.
41:17
Ava must have recognized Quinn's sincerity in our last phone
41:20
call, realized her treatment was unfair, and chose to pass on and
41:25
rest in peace. I was going to miss my guardian
41:28
angels, protection, guidance, and company, but I wasn't going
41:32
to miss her jealousy and stubbornness.
41:35
It was time for both of us to move on.
41:38
I stood up on unsteady legs, ready to resume my shift and
41:42
prove my worth as an invaluable employee.
41:46
I reached for the box of tissues on Henry at his desk, only to
41:50
flinch when a hand found mine once again.
41:54
I froze as I held my breath, hoping this merciful break
41:58
wasn't a cruel taunt, but confusion eclipsed my dread.
42:02
The hand in mine wasn't my little sister's, it was bigger,
42:07
the calloused, Bony fingers gentle as they gave me a
42:11
reassuring squeeze and lingered for a few seconds before they
42:15
released me. My legs buckled and I fell to my
42:20
knees, my head bowed and stunned.
42:23
Silence. Doris's ringtone chimed from my
42:27
phone. There was a commotion outside.
42:30
Someone touched my shoulder. I looked up, dazed.
42:35
Quinn's eyes searched mine before she pulled me close and
42:38
held me tight, our starfish pendants clinking.
42:43
I leaned my trembling head against her shoulder, tears of
42:47
sorrow merging with those of relief.
43:36
Music.