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S2 E8 - Professional Joke Writer · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:00
SPEAKER_02: Previously on the Steve and Jeff show.
0:02
SPEAKER_03: Everything's changed, Steve.
0:04
SPEAKER_03: Well, hello.
0:04
SPEAKER_02: As an ethos, as a methos, as a compost.
0:07
SPEAKER_02: It's like the prime directive on Star Trek.
0:09
SPEAKER_03: Could we ever find somebody who could tell the future and make money off of it?
0:13
SPEAKER_00: Well, hello.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: You saw that before his assassination.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Well, it was a little bit after.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: Like the pavement had just turned into rivers of gold.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm worth$50 billion right now.
0:29
SPEAKER_02: We've been tripping ourselves trying to fall into new money for decades, Jeff.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: To subscribe to my my newsletter, which is just full of information that's gonna get you rich.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: It's only a thousand dollars a month.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Do you validate my parking?
0:45
SPEAKER_02: Johnny, tell us what she's gonna get for being on the show.
0:49
SPEAKER_02: Right, Steve.
0:53
SPEAKER_02: Jeff, I am so excited to be back.
0:56
SPEAKER_02: This show is going places.
0:58
SPEAKER_02: This show is exciting.
0:59
SPEAKER_02: This show is generating new audiences every day.
1:02
SPEAKER_03: Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas.
1:04
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
1:05
SPEAKER_03: Are you expecting any good gifts this year, Steve?
1:09
SPEAKER_02: Of course, my mom gave me the best gift last year with the new baby Stevie.
1:13
SPEAKER_02: But I think we just want to hope people listen to this show and laugh around their Eulog as they listen to our jokes and our comedy and our finesse.
1:22
SPEAKER_02: Dare I say finesse, the finesse we have around comedy.
1:24
SPEAKER_02: You know, Jeff, in fact, speaking of comedy, we really want to be attuned with our listeners.
1:29
SPEAKER_02: Jeff, we want to be more than attuned.
1:31
SPEAKER_02: We want to be attenuated, we want to be exonerated, we want to be inebriated, we want to be decaffeinated, we want to live with our audience.
1:38
SPEAKER_02: Well, not literally this weird, but but I digress.
1:41
SPEAKER_02: We got a letter from Jim in San Diego, and Jim wrote in that our show is interesting, but he said we take too long to get to the jokes.
1:51
SPEAKER_03: I've never heard that before because I think we're just so funny, and everything that comes out of our mouth is pretty funny.
1:58
SPEAKER_03: But you know, I want to respect the audience, and I think there may be some truth to that.
2:02
SPEAKER_03: Do you have any uh thoughts on how we can introduce people to our sense of humor a little quicker?
2:08
SPEAKER_02: I'm so glad you asked that question, Jeff, because uh at first I thought Jim must be listening to somebody else's podcast, you know, but he probably is, but I thought let's give it a try.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: So, Jeff, on the other side of that glass, usually I introduce the guest, but you know what?
2:24
SPEAKER_02: We got Johnny, and so I'm gonna have Johnny introduce our guest because our guest is a big time guest.
2:32
SPEAKER_02: This is a famous guest, Jeff.
2:34
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna pass this over to Johnny and let Johnny introduce our new guest.
2:38
SPEAKER_02: Right, Steve.
2:39
SPEAKER_02: Tonight's guest is a master of the one-liner, a sour cream buckle on the Borsch Belt of comedy.
2:44
SPEAKER_02: He is just off a three-week engagement at Mr.
2:47
SPEAKER_02: Kelly's in Chicago, and in January will appear for two weeks at San Francisco's legendary and long-shuddered Hungry Eye.
2:53
SPEAKER_02: Plus, next year he begins a Vegas residency at the Strip's Famous and the Chicago Outfits Favorite, Dunes Hotel in fabulous Las Vegas.
3:02
SPEAKER_02: Veteran of the Parr Show, the Carson Show, the Sullivan Show, the Letterman Show, and frequent guest at the corner of Russian Oak with the Fedora collecting coins.
3:09
SPEAKER_02: Please welcome to the Steven Jeff Show, that world famous jokester, Joey Bishop Schwartzman.
3:17
SPEAKER_04: Hey there, boys.
3:18
SPEAKER_04: How's it going?
3:19
SPEAKER_04: How's it going?
3:19
SPEAKER_04: How's it going?
3:20
SPEAKER_02: Hey, welcome to the show, Joey.
3:22
SPEAKER_02: And just to be clear now, Bishop is sort of a nickname.
3:25
SPEAKER_02: You're not related to Joey Bishop.
3:28
SPEAKER_04: No, no.
3:29
SPEAKER_04: He was my godfather's favorite comedian.
3:32
SPEAKER_04: It's not a relationship.
3:33
SPEAKER_04: What can I tell you?
3:34
SPEAKER_04: It's also not a job title.
3:36
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
3:36
SPEAKER_04: Bing, bing, bing.
3:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, Jeff, this is so good.
3:39
SPEAKER_02: And Joey, you know, one of the reasons that we wanted to bring you on, in addition to Jim's letter, if we wanted to get to the jokes, you know, Jeff and I really only know a very small number of jokes, Jeff.
3:49
SPEAKER_02: I think we just we talked.
3:50
SPEAKER_02: We each know like one joke.
3:52
SPEAKER_03: I really only know one.
3:53
SPEAKER_03: In fact, Joey, do you want to hear it?
3:55
SPEAKER_03: Maybe because you're pro, you know, maybe you can kind of give me some tips or this would be great teaching.
4:00
SPEAKER_03: Yes, it would be.
4:02
SPEAKER_03: Lay it on me, sweetheart.
4:03
SPEAKER_03: Let's go.
4:03
SPEAKER_03: Come on, be the beginning.
4:05
SPEAKER_03: My joke is that there are two Jewish guys, been friends their whole lives.
4:09
SPEAKER_03: Every month they get together for breakfast.
4:11
SPEAKER_03: One picks up the other one and asks him how he's doing.
4:14
SPEAKER_03: And the other one says, Horrible.
4:16
SPEAKER_03: I just got my tax bill and owe twenty thousand dollars.
4:19
SPEAKER_03: Twenty thousand dollars, what are you gonna do?
4:21
SPEAKER_03: And he said, I don't know.
4:22
SPEAKER_03: I don't have the money.
4:23
SPEAKER_03: So they're driving down the street.
4:25
SPEAKER_03: There's a church on the right hand side, big sign in front of the church.
4:29
SPEAKER_03: It says, Convert to Catholicism,$20,000 reward.
4:33
SPEAKER_03: He says, What do you think?
4:34
SPEAKER_03: He says, Well, I don't think you have a choice.
4:36
SPEAKER_03: You're right.
4:36
SPEAKER_03: So he pulls over, goes into the church.
4:39
SPEAKER_03: Next month they get together for breakfast.
4:41
SPEAKER_03: He says, How are you doing?
4:42
SPEAKER_03: He says, I'm great.
4:43
SPEAKER_03: He said, Did you convert to Catholicism?
4:45
SPEAKER_03: He said, Yeah.
4:45
SPEAKER_03: He goes, Did they pay you the twenty thousand dollars?
4:48
SPEAKER_03: He said, Is that all you people care about?
4:50
SPEAKER_03: Is money?
4:51
SPEAKER_03: See, there you go.
4:52
SPEAKER_03: That's it.
4:52
SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's that's what they call a thinker.
4:54
SPEAKER_03: A stinker or a thinker?
4:56
SPEAKER_03: Both.
4:57
SPEAKER_03: Both.
4:58
SPEAKER_04: I mean, that's what they're not mutually exclusive, unfortunately.
5:00
SPEAKER_04: No, that's a funny joke.
5:01
SPEAKER_04: And that's the only joke you know.
5:03
SPEAKER_04: That is an amazing joke for being a one joke person.
5:06
SPEAKER_04: For being a one-trick pony, that's a hell of a trick.
5:08
SPEAKER_02: Steve, you know one too, right?
5:09
SPEAKER_02: This is the only joke I know, but give it a shot here.
5:11
SPEAKER_02: So guy walks into a bar, and there's this beautiful bartender working behind the bar.
5:15
SPEAKER_02: Beautiful woman.
5:16
SPEAKER_02: And see, he looks up at the they got the menu posted behind the bar, and it says, cheese sandwich, two dollars and fifty cents, chicken sandwich, three dollars and fifty cents.
5:25
SPEAKER_02: Hand job, ten dollars.
5:27
SPEAKER_02: So he goes up to the bartender and says, Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?
5:30
SPEAKER_02: And she says, Why, yes, I am.
5:32
SPEAKER_02: Great.
5:32
SPEAKER_02: Wash your hands.
5:33
SPEAKER_02: I want a cheese sandwich.
5:35
SPEAKER_04: Now we're talking.
5:37
SPEAKER_04: I like that one too.
5:38
SPEAKER_04: That's a good one.
5:38
SPEAKER_04: You know what?
5:39
SPEAKER_04: That one would kill.
5:40
SPEAKER_04: Wow.
5:40
SPEAKER_04: It's a fantastic joke.
5:42
SPEAKER_03: You guys maybe maybe we don't need them.
5:43
SPEAKER_03: Well, Jeff.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: Maybe we're on our way, except we only know two.
5:46
SPEAKER_02: But that's it.
5:47
SPEAKER_02: Once people hear that joke, they'll know it.
5:49
SPEAKER_02: Give the punchline with me.
5:50
SPEAKER_02: They'll give the punchline before I set it up.
5:52
SPEAKER_02: And that's true.
5:54
SPEAKER_02: It'd be kind of like a Jerry Lewis kind of thing.
5:56
SPEAKER_02: You know, hey, oh, even worse.
5:59
SPEAKER_02: We really need your help.
6:00
SPEAKER_02: Anything you can do to help us, you write jokes for a living.
6:04
SPEAKER_04: Wide variety of topics, too.
6:05
SPEAKER_04: Wide variety of topics.
6:06
SPEAKER_04: See, what are you guys got the stuff?
6:09
SPEAKER_04: You guys got the stuff to tell the jokes.
6:11
SPEAKER_04: You just don't have the joke.
6:12
SPEAKER_04: We don't.
6:13
SPEAKER_02: That's exactly it.
6:14
SPEAKER_02: We got the chops, but not the props.
6:15
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
6:16
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I am writing that one down.
6:18
SPEAKER_02: Chops.
6:19
SPEAKER_02: Ooh, yeah.
6:19
SPEAKER_02: Chops, not the props.
6:20
SPEAKER_02: Could do it props, but not the chops.
6:22
SPEAKER_02: If somebody has a joke, can't tell me.
6:26
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
6:26
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
6:26
SPEAKER_03: Rhyming is super funny.
6:28
SPEAKER_03: I think we are good at that.
6:29
SPEAKER_02: What kind of categories of jokes do you have?
6:31
SPEAKER_02: There must be a lot.
6:32
SPEAKER_04: Oh, baby.
6:33
SPEAKER_04: I tell you what, I can get you your Polish jokes.
6:35
SPEAKER_04: I can get you a Jewish joke.
6:37
SPEAKER_04: We can get modern and go with a redneck joke.
6:39
SPEAKER_04: I can get you a biblical joke.
6:41
SPEAKER_04: I got a deal on dead baby jokes that you aren't gonna believe.
6:44
SPEAKER_04: I can get you jokes about your mother-in-law, I can get you some political, satirical, sexual stuff about old people, the Irish Christmas.
6:54
SPEAKER_04: I can even get that night at the Apollo ring with a whole bunch of yo mama jokes.
6:58
SPEAKER_04: I can jokes about toilets and what goes into toilets.
7:02
SPEAKER_04: I can make kid jokes.
7:04
SPEAKER_04: I can make the kind of kid jokes that the kids like, and I can make the kind of kid jokes about kids that the kids don't like.
7:10
SPEAKER_03: Steve, I'm aroused.
7:11
SPEAKER_03: This opportunity is almost too good to pass up.
7:14
SPEAKER_03: Although, before we go into some of those other categories, it is Christmas.
7:18
SPEAKER_03: Could you kick us off with maybe just a Christmas joke and then go into any of those other categories?
7:23
SPEAKER_03: I love them all, Steve.
7:24
SPEAKER_02: You know, that is a great way to start, Jeff, because you know, Joey, nothing says Christmas like a borschtbelt comic.
7:29
SPEAKER_02: That's just an old-fashioned Christmas.
7:31
SPEAKER_02: That's the best kind.
7:33
SPEAKER_02: Being honest, the Christmas jokes.
7:34
SPEAKER_04: All right, all right, here we go.
7:35
SPEAKER_04: Some Christmas jokes, some Christmas jokes.
7:36
SPEAKER_04: All right, there you go.
7:37
SPEAKER_04: Why does Santa have a full sack?
7:39
SPEAKER_04: Because he only comes once a year.
7:43
SPEAKER_04: How does Santa Claus stay STD free?
7:46
SPEAKER_04: He always wraps his package before he shoves it in the chimney.
7:50
SPEAKER_04: Bing, bing, bing, dang!
7:51
SPEAKER_03: I just want to point out the way he says shoves it.
7:54
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think that's something that we're gonna have to work on.
7:56
SPEAKER_02: You get that from years on the stage, years of years of fighting hecklers.
8:01
SPEAKER_02: That's that's just an art.
8:02
SPEAKER_04: I'll let you know a little secret.
8:03
SPEAKER_04: Any word that is actually an entendre, just really get into it.
8:07
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
8:08
SPEAKER_04: Like you really get into it.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
8:10
SPEAKER_04: That's how you know.
8:12
SPEAKER_02: It sounds like he's from Rogers Park or something.
8:14
SPEAKER_02: That's great.
8:14
SPEAKER_02: It's unbelievable.
8:15
SPEAKER_03: How many years have you been doing this now, Joey?
8:17
SPEAKER_04: I got my stuff back in this in the 70s.
8:20
SPEAKER_04: I think I wrote my first jokes when I was like in junior high, got those sold off.
8:24
SPEAKER_04: I remember the first joke I wrote.
8:26
SPEAKER_04: It's a Jewish joke.
8:27
SPEAKER_04: You want to oh, I do, I do.
8:30
SPEAKER_04: Okay, try this one on.
8:31
SPEAKER_04: There was a guy riding on a train, and a lady walked up to him and says, Sir, I hate to bother you, but are you Jewish?
8:38
SPEAKER_04: And he said, No, no, I'm not Jewish.
8:40
SPEAKER_04: About 10 minutes later, she walks back up to him and she says, I just gotta ask you again.
8:44
SPEAKER_04: Are you sure you're not Jewish?
8:46
SPEAKER_04: And he said, No, no, I'm not Jewish.
8:48
SPEAKER_04: About a half an hour later, she's still eyeballing him.
8:50
SPEAKER_04: And she walks up and goes, I gotta ask you one more time, are you Jewish?
8:56
SPEAKER_04: And he finally just goes, All right, all right, I'm Jewish.
8:59
SPEAKER_04: And she looks at him and says, That's funny, you don't look Jewish.
9:03
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that's great.
9:04
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I love stereotype.
9:06
SPEAKER_04: There you go, see that set it up one way, yeah.
9:08
SPEAKER_04: Got the trade.
9:09
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
9:10
SPEAKER_02: What you said about junior high, that is so true.
9:12
SPEAKER_02: Because wouldn't you agree that all comedy really starts in junior high?
9:16
SPEAKER_02: All comedy's based in junior high?
9:18
SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
9:18
SPEAKER_04: Listen, if you don't have a sense of humor developed by the time you're in eighth grade, you are just gonna be a sad, lonely person, possibly a politician, maybe a lawyer, who knows?
9:28
SPEAKER_02: It could be even worse.
9:29
SPEAKER_02: You know, a lot of the material, I mean, it's a little what I think you comics call blue, particularly the Christmas stuff.
9:35
SPEAKER_02: It's it's a little edgy, a little blue for Christmas, don't you think?
9:39
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
9:39
SPEAKER_04: Tell you what, you got a point there.
9:41
SPEAKER_04: You gotta know the audience.
9:42
SPEAKER_04: Some audiences like the like the dirty stuff, some of them don't like the dirty stuff.
9:47
SPEAKER_04: Like if you're doing something with uh uh a lot of kids in the audience, you don't want to make a lot of penile jokes, uh anything like that.
9:55
SPEAKER_04: You got a point there.
9:56
SPEAKER_04: I can I I but I got a lot of jokes.
9:58
SPEAKER_04: I can tone them down for you, you know.
10:00
SPEAKER_04: Let's keep going, Joey.
10:01
SPEAKER_04: This is great.
10:02
SPEAKER_04: All right, so like uh you could do the ones with the person walking into the bar, okay?
10:07
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
10:08
SPEAKER_04: Love those.
10:09
SPEAKER_04: And Eve flat walks into the bar, and the bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve minors.
10:15
SPEAKER_04: You see, that's one of those music jokes.
10:17
SPEAKER_04: Joke music geek joke.
10:19
SPEAKER_04: I like that.
10:20
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it kind of works with kids because they're minors.
10:22
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so that one was pretty clean.
10:24
SPEAKER_04: You like that one?
10:24
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that one okay, okay.
10:26
SPEAKER_04: A tennis ball walks into a bar, and the bartender looks at the tennis ball and says, Have you been served?
10:31
SPEAKER_04: Ha ha ding.
10:34
SPEAKER_04: How about that one?
10:35
SPEAKER_04: You like that one?
10:35
SPEAKER_03: Oh man, you don't have to explain them.
10:38
SPEAKER_03: That's what I like.
10:38
SPEAKER_03: Hit you right away.
10:40
SPEAKER_03: Although I like long ones too, if they're if they keep you.
10:43
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's what she said.
10:46
SPEAKER_02: He's got the Myron Cohen and the Henny Youngman.
10:49
SPEAKER_02: This guy's got it all.
10:50
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
10:51
SPEAKER_03: Don't let us stop you.
10:53
SPEAKER_03: Although, are you charging us by the joke?
10:55
SPEAKER_03: Is this part kind of free until we officially hire you?
10:58
SPEAKER_03: Or he's he's a guest tonight, Jack.
11:00
SPEAKER_04: I hate to bring up money at this point, but you do not hate to bring up money.
11:04
SPEAKER_04: Nobody hates to bring up money.
11:06
SPEAKER_04: They hate to admit that they're going to bring up money, but they do not hate bringing up money.
11:10
SPEAKER_04: A very wise man once told me in a business once we started a business relationship.
11:15
SPEAKER_04: First taste is free.
11:16
SPEAKER_03: Speaking of bringing up money, do you have any Jewish jokes?
11:20
SPEAKER_04: Let me see how far you have Jewish jokes.
11:23
SPEAKER_04: Okay, do I have Jewish jokes?
11:24
SPEAKER_04: We have a borschtbell comic.
11:25
SPEAKER_04: Of course, he's got Jewish jokes.
11:27
SPEAKER_04: There's four old Jewish ladies having lunch at the dining.
11:31
SPEAKER_04: The waiter walks up and says, Excuse me, ladies, is anything all right?
11:39
SPEAKER_02: You have to know some old Jewish ladies.
11:40
SPEAKER_02: You gotta know some old ladies.
11:41
SPEAKER_02: And I do, and I do, and I do, so yeah, so that reminds me to call my grandma, although she's dead.
11:47
SPEAKER_02: Well, she'd still appreciate your call.
11:50
SPEAKER_03: She would.
11:50
SPEAKER_03: Anything else in your bag of tricks?
11:52
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so there's a Jewish man in his car and he's trying to find a parking space.
11:56
SPEAKER_04: He's driving all over, he can't find a parking space, and he pleads to God, God, please find me a parking space.
12:02
SPEAKER_04: And he's driving around, please, God, find me a parking space.
12:08
SPEAKER_04: And then finally he comes around the corner and there's a car pulling out, and he just looks up and says, Ah, never mind, God, I found one.
12:14
SPEAKER_02: I like that too.
12:15
SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's great.
12:16
SPEAKER_02: That's great.
12:17
SPEAKER_02: You know, some of these categories probably are, I don't know, a little less popular, a little less acceptable these days than maybe they were in in previous generations when the borscht bell was really swinging.
12:28
SPEAKER_02: Are there categories that are gone or categories that aren't popular anymore that you really can't do on stage anymore?
12:34
SPEAKER_04: Well, again, you kind of got to know your audience.
12:36
SPEAKER_04: So sometimes you can get away with more, but uh, I will just say the jokes about the homosexuals, they just do not play like they used to play, you know.
12:45
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, Mel Burks would have a tough start these days.
12:48
SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
12:49
SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
12:50
SPEAKER_04: I had a whole folder of Liberace jokes.
12:54
SPEAKER_04: I just had to toss them in the fireplace.
12:57
SPEAKER_03: He was gay and never saw that coming.
12:59
SPEAKER_03: Uh, this is a borderline category.
13:01
SPEAKER_03: What about Polish jokes?
13:03
SPEAKER_03: I know that politically correct, sometimes those aren't uh acceptable either, but I grew up with Polish jokes.
13:09
SPEAKER_02: Oh, absolutely.
13:10
SPEAKER_02: I grew up with Polish jokes too.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: The Yelblanskis next door.
13:13
SPEAKER_02: They were really they were idiots.
13:14
unknown: Oh my gosh.
13:15
SPEAKER_03: I actually remember my dad.
13:17
SPEAKER_03: I guess this is my second joke.
13:19
SPEAKER_03: He said, I think the question was two.
13:21
SPEAKER_03: I know two jokes.
13:23
SPEAKER_03: It was his joke.
13:23
SPEAKER_03: I don't know if I can tell this right, but it was how does a Polish guy tell which way to put on his underwear?
13:30
SPEAKER_03: Brown goes in the back and yellow in the front.
13:32
SPEAKER_04: Now that, my friend, is a stinker.
13:35
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
13:37
SPEAKER_04: Do you know what a Polish bride gets on a wedding night that's long and hard?
13:42
SPEAKER_04: A new last name.
13:45
SPEAKER_02: I kind of felt that one coming, but you know, yeah.
13:48
SPEAKER_02: You know, I think just being around a professional joke writer has inspired me.
13:52
SPEAKER_02: Jeff, I I think I know another joke.
13:54
SPEAKER_02: Tell us your joke.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: There's this cartoon mouse.
13:56
SPEAKER_02: We don't want to get sued, so we're not gonna really go, but you know, you know who I mean.
14:00
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, famous cartoon mouse.
14:01
SPEAKER_02: You know, I understand that he's getting a divorce from Minnie.
14:04
SPEAKER_04: Wow, because he just he just found out she was fucking goofy, and he wasn't just a little silly, he was fucking goofy.
14:10
SPEAKER_04: He's fucking goofy, yeah.
14:12
SPEAKER_03: I see that in your hand there, it looks like you've got a long list of jokes.
14:16
SPEAKER_03: Is that just like a sample that you brought, or is it something that maybe you could share with us that we could even try a couple to feel like we're funny?
14:24
SPEAKER_03: I know we can't compete with you.
14:25
SPEAKER_02: If you share your screen there on that side of the glass, I think we can if just hold it up.
14:30
SPEAKER_02: Our eyesight's pretty bad, but if we get closer, we can read it.
14:33
SPEAKER_02: Just hold it up to the screen there.
14:35
SPEAKER_02: You see one, Jeff?
14:36
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm still squinting a little bit.
14:37
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've got one here.
14:39
SPEAKER_03: A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, Do you have that book about men with small penises?
14:45
SPEAKER_03: The librarian looks at her computer and says, I don't know if it's in yet.
14:50
SPEAKER_03: And he says, 'Yeah, that's the one.' That's a great one.
14:55
SPEAKER_03: Do you remember when you wrote that joke?
14:56
SPEAKER_03: Was it one that you wrote, or was it one that you learned while you were on the road?
15:00
SPEAKER_04: It was the one I wrote it, and I then found out that that was not what Minnie Pearl was really asking for in her jokes.
15:08
SPEAKER_04: So now Larry.
15:10
SPEAKER_04: Larry, the cable guy gave me uh 50 bucks for that one.
15:13
SPEAKER_02: You know, Joey, I'm I'm gonna do a series on your uh the yo mama jokes because I always love those.
15:18
SPEAKER_02: I grew up, you know, in my school, we all did it.
15:20
SPEAKER_02: Yo mama's so fat when she fell.
15:22
SPEAKER_02: I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
15:25
SPEAKER_02: Yo mama's so fat when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
15:28
SPEAKER_02: Yo mama's so fat when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.
15:31
SPEAKER_02: Oh, bing bing.
15:32
SPEAKER_02: Now that last one, yeah.
15:33
SPEAKER_04: That's a that's quality.
15:35
SPEAKER_03: It's a little bit of Rodney Dangerfield, don't you think?
15:37
SPEAKER_03: I mean, I remember we went to see Rodney.
15:39
SPEAKER_03: He dated some woman that was so fat she was on Broadway and off Broadway at the same time.
15:46
SPEAKER_04: Rodney said he dated a girl that was so ugly that she had little round mocks all over her from being touched with 11 foot poles.
15:54
SPEAKER_02: That is great.
15:55
SPEAKER_02: We're touching on all these dairy, all these categories.
15:58
SPEAKER_02: Are there any categories that are just off limits?
16:00
SPEAKER_02: You just can't do a joke about Trump.
16:03
SPEAKER_02: That is the joke.
16:05
SPEAKER_04: If you go out and tell a Trump joke, somebody's gonna get butthurt.
16:09
SPEAKER_04: Don't know who.
16:09
SPEAKER_04: And that's the thing.
16:10
SPEAKER_04: It's like usually if I get up there and I tell a really offensive joke, I can tell, okay, that guy over there, he's gonna get really butthurt.
16:17
SPEAKER_04: That lady over there, she's gonna get really butthurt.
16:19
SPEAKER_04: That person over there is probably gonna throw something at me.
16:21
SPEAKER_04: But you go up there and you say anything about Donald Trump and you don't know.
16:27
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, you don't know.
16:28
SPEAKER_03: No, it's really now what's funny is I'm looking at this list, and it's you've got it by categories.
16:33
SPEAKER_03: One of the categories which I would think would be off limits would be the Holocaust, which it's a serious issue, serious question.
16:40
SPEAKER_02: Generally not a funny topic.
16:41
SPEAKER_03: It's not a funny topic, but there is a joke on there that well does kind of tickle my fancy.
16:46
SPEAKER_02: Well, no, Jeff, I'm I'm so glad you asked that because I was looking at this and I was trying not to laugh, but I'm gonna try it, Jeff.
16:53
SPEAKER_02: I know this is probably highly offensive.
16:55
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna try it anyway.
16:56
SPEAKER_02: You know why Hitler killed himself?
16:57
SPEAKER_02: He saw the gas bill.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, oh big bing.
17:03
SPEAKER_02: You know what?
17:04
SPEAKER_02: Like that's not the first time I've seen that joke.
17:05
SPEAKER_02: I told that joke in a group one time, and a guy said, That's not funny.
17:10
SPEAKER_02: My grandfather died in a camp.
17:11
SPEAKER_02: And I said, Oh, really, I'm so sorry.
17:13
SPEAKER_02: I'm just apologizing.
17:14
SPEAKER_02: He said, Yeah, he fell out of his guard tower.
17:17
SPEAKER_02: Bang!
17:17
SPEAKER_03: You know, Steve, maybe you'll edit this out finally.
17:20
SPEAKER_02: I'll cut all the offensive stuff out.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
17:22
SPEAKER_03: You know, we don't want to get in trouble.
17:24
SPEAKER_03: No, Joey, any other ones that you want to share with us?
17:27
SPEAKER_04: Well, I could go down that vein and just say, you know, do you know why Hitler never drank scotch?
17:32
SPEAKER_04: I give up.
17:33
SPEAKER_04: Why it made him mean?
17:35
SPEAKER_04: Oh, bing, bing, bing.
17:37
SPEAKER_04: Who says you can't get a laugh out of Hitler?
17:40
SPEAKER_03: I'm looking at this list.
17:41
SPEAKER_03: Can I take a crack at one more here?
17:43
SPEAKER_03: This is just gold under the category of dentists, doctors, and psychiatrists.
17:48
SPEAKER_03: A woman sitting in the dentist room and says, I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill my mouth.
17:56
SPEAKER_03: Dennis responded, Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust the chair.
18:02
SPEAKER_04: Bing bing hashtag.
18:03
SPEAKER_04: You're gonna get a bing bing hashtag.
18:06
SPEAKER_02: Another one here that I gotta try.
18:08
SPEAKER_02: And I don't think I can do maybe the Yiddish accent.
18:11
SPEAKER_02: You know, the the census taker goes to the Goldman house.
18:14
SPEAKER_02: Uh, does Lewis Goldman live here?
18:15
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
18:16
SPEAKER_02: No, replies Goldman.
18:17
SPEAKER_02: Well then what's your name?
18:18
SPEAKER_02: Lewis Goldman.
18:19
SPEAKER_02: Wait a minute.
18:20
SPEAKER_02: Didn't you just tell me that Goldman doesn't live here?
18:22
SPEAKER_02: Ah, Goldman says, You call this living?
18:25
SPEAKER_03: Is that in the Jewish category?
18:26
SPEAKER_03: It sounds Jewish.
18:27
SPEAKER_02: You know, my my accent was more like lived near a Jewish neighborhood kind of thing, but it was kind of like Shaker Heights.
18:33
SPEAKER_02: Not the Shaker part of Shaker Heights, you know, more the heights part.
18:36
SPEAKER_03: There's a couple here that I think are just hilarious.
18:39
SPEAKER_03: You want me to take a crack at one more?
18:40
SPEAKER_03: Crack away.
18:41
SPEAKER_03: This is in a category under parents.
18:44
SPEAKER_03: A guy and his wife find an SM magazine under their son's bed.
18:49
SPEAKER_03: The mom says, This is horrible.
18:51
SPEAKER_03: What should we do?
18:51
SPEAKER_03: And dad says, Well, we can't spank them.
18:56
SPEAKER_04: Now that that's from a real place.
18:58
SPEAKER_04: Is that really is that true?
19:00
SPEAKER_04: That's a true story.
19:02
SPEAKER_04: I just leave it there.
19:04
SPEAKER_02: As long as we're getting ethnic.
19:05
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna try one of those old Swedish jokes.
19:07
SPEAKER_02: This Oli and Lena, you know, that whole whatever.
19:10
SPEAKER_02: Oli's on his deathbed.
19:11
SPEAKER_02: Looks up and says, Is my wife here?
19:14
SPEAKER_02: Lena, of course, his wife.
19:15
SPEAKER_02: She says, Yes, Oli, I'm here next to you.
19:18
SPEAKER_02: So Oli asks, Are my children here?
19:21
SPEAKER_02: Yes, Daddy, we're all here.
19:22
SPEAKER_02: Save the children.
19:24
SPEAKER_02: Are all my other relatives here also?
19:26
SPEAKER_02: And they say, Yes, we're all here.
19:28
SPEAKER_02: So Oli says, Well, then why is the light on in the kitchen?
19:32
SPEAKER_02: That's a little Swedish Jewish kind of thing.
19:34
SPEAKER_02: Swedish-Jewish.
19:35
SPEAKER_03: I know that too.
19:36
SPEAKER_02: I know that from I think my Jewish accent was better with the Swedish one than it was with the Jewish one.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna I'm gonna work on that.
19:42
SPEAKER_04: This one's not on the list, but I got one of the Oli Lina's.
19:45
SPEAKER_04: Oh, cool.
19:46
SPEAKER_04: Lena was uh she competed on the swim team and she came in dead last in the breaststroke, and she got out of the pool and she walked up to the judge and said, Hey, oh, I I don't want to complain, but I think those other girls were cheating.
20:00
SPEAKER_04: Okay, you know what?
20:02
SPEAKER_04: I should have written that one down.
20:04
SPEAKER_04: I like that deleted that one.
20:06
SPEAKER_03: Well, try this one.
20:07
SPEAKER_03: This one's uh under your church category.
20:10
SPEAKER_03: An old married couple are in a church service on Sunday.
20:13
SPEAKER_03: The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers, I just let go of a long silent fart.
20:20
SPEAKER_03: What should I do?
20:22
SPEAKER_03: And the husband looks at her and says, Change the battery on your hearing aid.
20:27
unknown: Big ding.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: It's a junior high translated to however old you are.
20:32
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
20:33
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
20:34
SPEAKER_02: So junior high.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: I see one here that could kind of combine a couple categories, maybe.
20:38
SPEAKER_02: It sounds like it's a mother-in-law joke, but it's could be a Jewish joke too.
20:43
SPEAKER_02: One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law's cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
20:46
SPEAKER_02: Oh, the next year I didn't get her anything.
20:48
SPEAKER_02: So she asked me why.
20:49
SPEAKER_02: I said, Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year.
20:53
SPEAKER_04: And see, that's not just a mother-in-law joke, it's not just the Jewish joke.
20:57
SPEAKER_04: You got Christmas in there?
20:58
SPEAKER_04: You got Christmas in there?
20:59
SPEAKER_04: It's the trifecta bing, bing, bing.
21:01
SPEAKER_03: I think the categories matter, you know.
21:04
SPEAKER_03: Sometimes if there are little categories that you don't want to laugh about, but you do anyway.
21:09
SPEAKER_03: Like, for example, here my girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
21:14
SPEAKER_03: Guess who came crawling back?
21:18
SPEAKER_03: I was so drunk.
21:20
SPEAKER_03: You feel bad.
21:21
SPEAKER_03: I felt bad when I read it, but I couldn't resist.
21:24
SPEAKER_02: That's probably one of those categories that you know, you really got to know your audience.
21:27
SPEAKER_02: Uh, you have to be attuned to our audience, attenuated with our audience.
21:32
SPEAKER_03: So this has been amazing, Steve.
21:34
SPEAKER_03: I feel like we've been doing this forever, but time is going by really fast.
21:38
SPEAKER_03: And this guy from San Diego, you have enough jokes now.
21:42
SPEAKER_02: I think did we get to the jokes fast enough for you?
21:46
SPEAKER_02: Maybe we stayed in the jokes too long for you?
21:48
SPEAKER_02: You say, Oh no, I want you to get into them and then get back out.
21:51
SPEAKER_02: Well, you know what we could do, Jeff?
21:53
SPEAKER_02: We could employ Joey Bishop Schwartzman and we could do a joke every show.
21:58
SPEAKER_02: Each show, we could do a week joke, I mean a joke of the week and start off the show that way.
22:03
SPEAKER_02: I think it's a great idea.
22:04
SPEAKER_04: Joey, are you booked up?
22:05
SPEAKER_04: I'm on the road 100% of the time, but you know what?
22:08
SPEAKER_04: Technology is great.
22:09
SPEAKER_04: You boys want jokes, we got jokes.
22:11
SPEAKER_04: You know, you'll get a the email, the website, text message, however, you want to consume a joke.
22:17
SPEAKER_04: I do take Venmo.
22:18
SPEAKER_04: Oh, cool! Or you can I still take checks, and I will accept numerous different currencies in person.
22:27
SPEAKER_02: Well, he's old school, Jeff.
22:28
SPEAKER_03: This is perfect, he is, and Steve, it's hard because every time he says something, I think it's a joke.
22:33
SPEAKER_03: Venmo checks.
22:35
SPEAKER_03: I'm thinking, you know, I don't know.
22:36
SPEAKER_02: I'm Venmo does kind of sound like a joke, it sounds like a joke setup.
22:40
SPEAKER_03: He really does.
22:41
SPEAKER_03: Joey, I I just saw this one.
22:43
SPEAKER_03: You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
22:49
SPEAKER_04: Yes, he does it's sort of a confute Confucius kind of says.
22:53
SPEAKER_04: I gotta be honest, I got that one out of a fortune cookie.
22:56
SPEAKER_02: He's really down with the dow of jokes, you know.
22:58
SPEAKER_02: I mean, this guy is this guy's really got it.
23:00
SPEAKER_02: He's in the zone, he's got the rhythm, he's got the beat.
23:03
SPEAKER_04: You know, bring the yin, I'll bring the yang.
23:05
SPEAKER_02: Bringing his yang.
23:06
SPEAKER_03: I Steve again.
23:07
SPEAKER_03: I can't get over it.
23:09
SPEAKER_03: Everything out of his mouth is funny.
23:10
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's funny.
23:11
SPEAKER_03: I always hope that we can be that funny at some point.
23:13
SPEAKER_02: I am looking forward to telling these jokes.
23:16
SPEAKER_02: We're just about to run out of time here, but I'm looking forward to telling these jokes in future shows.
23:22
SPEAKER_02: And Joey, thank you so much for being on the show tonight.
23:25
SPEAKER_02: Best of luck at the Hungry Eye, which has been closed for a number of years, and and your residency at the Dunes, which hasn't existed since the 80s.
23:32
SPEAKER_02: So I uh good luck.
23:34
SPEAKER_03: You're gonna make our show really funny.
23:36
SPEAKER_03: I can't wait.
23:38
SPEAKER_03: These are just the warm-up jokes.
23:40
SPEAKER_03: I can't imagine the jokes that we're gonna be getting from you that we'll be able to use.
23:43
SPEAKER_03: And maybe if you would come back on the show and perform some of those live for us as well.
23:48
SPEAKER_04: Anytime.
23:49
SPEAKER_04: I'd I'm happy to help you boys out.
23:51
SPEAKER_04: Young up and comes like you.
23:53
SPEAKER_04: That's great.
23:53
SPEAKER_02: And you know, because it's our Christmas show, I have kind of a special ending here.
23:57
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna bring in our friend John Denver.
23:59
SPEAKER_02: Well, he told me he was John Denver, but who knows?
24:01
SPEAKER_03: But I think he's at the Dunes.
24:04
SPEAKER_02: I think he's performing at the Dunes right now.
24:06
SPEAKER_02: I think so.
24:06
SPEAKER_02: And just to give it sort of the Christmas feeling that I think we all need and we all want.
24:18
SPEAKER_02: The sponsors on the phone.
24:38
SPEAKER_02: Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah.
24:40
SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas, Joey.
24:41
SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas stage your family.
24:43
SPEAKER_02: Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah.
24:45
SPEAKER_02: Oh, we are so going to be canceled.