Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #678 Summer Sleepover Safety

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#678 Summer Sleepover Safety · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the Parenting co host
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Parenting co host, the co host of.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: The Parenting TV.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: It showed Parental Guidance Season two coming soon. I don't
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. Kylie Holidays, the.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Co hostess with the mostess.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: The summer holidays are not treating as well. I think
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: we've both got some sunstroke and we should just stick
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  Speaker 2: with what we do, and we need to hire a scriptwriter.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: That's what we need. We need a scriptwriter, Kylie. Summer
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: holidays usually means sleepovers. Sleepovers are parents, grandparents, Artie's, uncles, cousins, friends,
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  Speaker 2: There's free time, kids staying up late, swinging in the
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: pool or going to the park, riding their bikes in
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  Speaker 2: the street, playing backyard cricket, having so much fun.
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  Speaker 1: But sleepovers can be.
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  Speaker 3: A really tricky topic for parents.
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  Speaker 2: We received an email from somebody via podcasts at Happy
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot you somebody will to know what
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: do you do about sleepovers, especially during the summer holidays,
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  Speaker 2: Christmas holidays. We've got all these family friends, kids, wanted
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: to catch up with their friends from school, neighborhoods, camping
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  Speaker 2: stuff in the backyard.
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  Speaker 1: What do we do? How do we get this right?
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  Speaker 1: A sleepovers okay or not?
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  Speaker 2: Over the last few years, there's been a lot of
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  Speaker 2: noise made on mummy blogs, on Instagram and social media
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  Speaker 2: about why so many parents are saying no, kids cannot
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  Speaker 2: have sleepovers, not going to let it happen. The risks
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  Speaker 2: are too high, the rewards are essentially not worth the risk, not.
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  Speaker 1: Going to do it.
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  Speaker 2: Our approach, Kylie, has not necessarily been that, but at
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: the outset, before we even begin this conversation, I want
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  Speaker 2: to highlight this is a hard one to respond to
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  Speaker 2: from a science based perspective, so as a scientist.
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  Speaker 1: I always want to know what are the studies show.
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  Speaker 2: There's not really much research out there about kids and sleepovers.
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  Speaker 2: Research does show that there is risk associated with sleepovers,
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  Speaker 2: but for most of us who have lived through childhood
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  Speaker 2: and had the experience, we know that so long as.
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  Speaker 1: It's safe, it's cool, it's awesome.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you eat too much sugar, Yes you stay up
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  Speaker 2: way too late, Yes you are right off the next day,
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  Speaker 2: and your parents wonder if they'll ever let you do
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  Speaker 2: it again. But it's so much fun to hang out
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  Speaker 2: with your friends late at night. And so we're going
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  Speaker 2: to kind of try to thread this needle and talk
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  Speaker 2: about the pros and cons the risks and rewards of
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  Speaker 2: sleepovers for kids at any age.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I think if we start at the really high end,
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  Speaker 3: the high end, the high end of the disasters that
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  Speaker 3: could possibly happen, right, there are definitely some safety concerns, yes,
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  Speaker 3: without doubt, that you would want to alay before you
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  Speaker 3: would make a decision to let your child have a sleepover.
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  Speaker 2: And I will never ever minimize those concerns. And for
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: those who have been affected because of those concerns, not
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  Speaker 2: being satisfied, devastating tragedy casts the longest shadow through the
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: lives of people who have been affected.
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  Speaker 1: There.
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  Speaker 2: So the research does tell us that kids are most
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  Speaker 2: likely to be harmed by people known to them, and
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: the younger they are, the greater the risk. So I
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  Speaker 2: think in harmony with yesterday's conversation about kids and alcohol,
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  Speaker 2: and that there was one key word that was the
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  Speaker 2: very heart of our discussion.
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  Speaker 3: But delay, delay, delay, hold off.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that there's some real wisdom there when
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  Speaker 2: it comes to kids in sleepovers, especially sleepovers with friends. Now,
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  Speaker 2: if you've got family members that you know are safe,
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  Speaker 2: whether it's grandma and grandpa or the auntie and uncle
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  Speaker 2: because they're going to catch up with their cousins, you
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  Speaker 2: obviously assess that as you need to, and you want
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  Speaker 2: to make sure that there's appropriate mixes of a lack
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  Speaker 2: of a mix perhaps of genders. You want to make
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  Speaker 2: sure that there's appropriate supervision, appropriate sleeping arrangements.
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  Speaker 3: But the and in our experience with the younger kids
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  Speaker 3: actually being easier if Nan and Pop or Auntie and
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  Speaker 3: uncle can actually come.
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  Speaker 2: Under our house, baby, see, we have a night off.
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  Speaker 3: And have a sleepover at our house. Kids are in
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  Speaker 3: the same home like environment, the safety and security and
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  Speaker 3: that their own bed and Nan and Pop can kind
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  Speaker 3: of fall into the routine of the family as opposed
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  Speaker 3: to everything being turned up.
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  Speaker 2: But it still feels like a sleepover because they're being
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  Speaker 2: looked after by someone different. Right, Yeah, But I think
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  Speaker 2: in terms of advice, in terms of the conversation around this,
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  Speaker 2: so long as you know that the adults who are
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  Speaker 2: in charge are safe and that there are no other
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  Speaker 2: adults coming in that you don't know because that's a
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  Speaker 2: real risk.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
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  Speaker 2: You might send the kids off to someone's house for
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  Speaker 2: a sleepover, even a relative's house, but they have a visitor,
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  Speaker 2: either from down the road or from overseas or a
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  Speaker 2: family member, whoever it is. You don't know them, you
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  Speaker 2: don't know what their history is. We want to make
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  Speaker 2: sure that our kids are safe at all times.
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  Speaker 1: We need to know who's going to be there.
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  Speaker 2: And that also raises questions with young kids, even with family,
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  Speaker 2: should there be a bedtime, what's going to be the
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  Speaker 2: rule around screens? What kind of content and programming will
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: the children be allowed to watch? If there are going
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  Speaker 2: to be movies that are viewed. I mean we've kind
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  Speaker 2: of we've had our kids invited to sleepovers from the
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  Speaker 2: age of six or seven with school parties, and our
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  Speaker 2: general response has been, you know what, we'll just pick
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  Speaker 2: them up at nine o'clock or ten o'clock. Once it's
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  Speaker 2: late and they feel like they've had a great time,
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  Speaker 2: we'll pick them up and we'll drop them back the
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: next morning.
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  Speaker 3: And obviously, at that age at nine o'clock or ten
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  Speaker 3: o'clock bedtime is way beyond what we would normally allow.
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  Speaker 3: So we're meeting them halfway, we're saying, no, we're not
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  Speaker 3: really comfortable with you having the sleepover, but you can
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  Speaker 3: have a late night, you can spend time with your friends,
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  Speaker 3: stay up late each your chocolate and ice cream Sundays,
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  Speaker 3: or whatever it is you going to do, but we're
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  Speaker 3: going to have you home.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So I think the advice that we're sharing here is
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  Speaker 2: really helpful for kids. I'm going to say under about
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: the age of ten, maybe even eleven or twelve. It
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  Speaker 2: just depends on you and your family. When it comes
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: to family, grandparents, auntie's, uncles, cousins, you want to know
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  Speaker 2: where they're going to be sleeping, how they're going to
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  Speaker 2: be safe, what programming, if any, and screens they're going
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  Speaker 2: to have access to. And essentially you're looking after it
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  Speaker 2: from a family point of view by having those conversations
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  Speaker 2: with your parents or your siblings who are looking after them,
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  Speaker 2: so they can have time with their cousins. When it
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  Speaker 2: comes to friends, our strong preference is the kids get
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: dropped off but then they get picked up, rather than
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  Speaker 2: having a sleepover until they're a lot older.
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  Speaker 1: And that's just.
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  Speaker 2: Because the older they are, the more of a voice
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  Speaker 2: they've got, the more they understand things like consent.
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  Speaker 1: They know what's right and wrong.
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  Speaker 2: Younger children, they're just more vulnerable, and therefore they think
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  Speaker 2: they need a high level of oversight, a high level.
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  Speaker 1: Of parental involvement.
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  Speaker 2: As kids get older, though, the challenges shift, they become
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  Speaker 2: potentially a little bit more complex.
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  Speaker 1: We start to.
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  Speaker 2: Deal with issues of screens and phones, cyberbullying, being on
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  Speaker 2: social media, the potential for sending images that may or
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  Speaker 2: may not be completely appropriate speaking ouse, Oh yeah, I
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  Speaker 2: hadn't thought of that one, and then picking up on
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  Speaker 2: yesterday's conversation. By the time they're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, or
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  Speaker 2: maybe even a little bit younger, depending on the kids
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  Speaker 2: and the family and the environment, maybe even fourteen or fifteen.
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  Speaker 1: There's also the issue of alcohol and other drugs. So
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  Speaker 1: I think at this point.
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  Speaker 3: We've talked about all the big things. But the reality is,
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  Speaker 3: when you get a bunch of kids together and there's
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  Speaker 3: a lot of sugar and a lack of sleep, you've
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  Speaker 3: also just got the emotional relational challenges that come with
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  Speaker 3: everybody being together.
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  Speaker 1: Your kids can kind of get nasty, can't they Well.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you get that angry, hungry You.
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  Speaker 1: Know what else? They do that. They do really dumb things.
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  Speaker 2: Now this is kind of harmless, but I remember one
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  Speaker 2: sleepover at my house. So my mom used to go
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  Speaker 2: shopping and she would buy stuff in bulk. I guess
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  Speaker 2: it's kind of a little bit like what's the name
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  Speaker 2: of the like Costco. You know how you can buy
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  Speaker 2: stuff in bulk. So Mum would Mum would go shopping
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  Speaker 2: and we had to sleep.
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  Speaker 1: Over one night. I reckon. It was about eleven o'clock
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  Speaker 1: at night.
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  Speaker 2: We were all still awake, and one of the guys
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  Speaker 2: was like, oh, I'm really hungry. So we opened up
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  Speaker 2: the pantry and in our house we actually had like
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  Speaker 2: a walk in pantry.
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  Speaker 1: It was quite quite sizable.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know how this happened, but one of the
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  Speaker 2: guys saw out a two liter bottle of chocolate topping,
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  Speaker 2: two leaders of chocolate topping on one of the shelves.
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  Speaker 1: His name was Aaron, and Aaron's like, oh, chocolate topping.
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  Speaker 1: We should do a milk milkshake.
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  Speaker 2: And somehow one of the guys said, hey, a d
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  Speaker 2: to drink the chocolate topping, and we all said we'd
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  Speaker 2: pay him five bucks if you could drink the top
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  Speaker 2: chocolate topping. So he tried to drink two lids. He
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  Speaker 2: just literally put the bottle to.
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  Speaker 1: His mouth and started sculling.
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  Speaker 2: This chocolate topping like Coddies, thick and rich. I cannot
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  Speaker 2: imagine how much sugar went into his I reckon, you
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  Speaker 2: drank about a leader of it, just pure.
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  Speaker 3: I'm assuming it didn't stay down for long.
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  Speaker 2: He kept it in but yeah, yeah, yeah, but every
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  Speaker 2: time he burked, the whole room smelled like chocolate. It
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  Speaker 2: was disgusting. Was like, So there's there's also just the
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  Speaker 2: dumb things. I mean, I don't know if I was.
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  Speaker 3: The victim of a peanut butter face really.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, of course.
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  Speaker 3: One of my sleepovers, I was always the one to
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  Speaker 3: fall asleep before everybody else.
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  Speaker 2: And we used to do the shaving cream, put the
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  Speaker 2: shaving cream on their face and they and then tickle
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: them and they'd slap their face and put shaving cream
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  Speaker 2: every I don't know if you did that one. So
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: someone painted your face with peanut buttons.
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  Speaker 1: They did, that's brilliant.
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  Speaker 3: They did. Stuck my hand and water hoping that I'd
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: wet my bed.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: We did noody runs. That's a boy think skinny dipping,
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  Speaker 2: skinny dipping. Yeah, so there's all those kinds of things
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  Speaker 2: as well. And in the age of social media and
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  Speaker 2: telephones and cameras everywhere, some of those things which we
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  Speaker 2: would look back to the nineteen seventies, nineteen eighties, nineteen
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  Speaker 2: nineties as harmless fun in twenty twenty two, twenty twenty
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  Speaker 2: three not quite so harmless, could actually get you in
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  Speaker 2: a whole lot of trouble because the world's changed and
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  Speaker 2: there are cameras everywhere. So I think, well, we want
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  Speaker 2: to delay sleepovers. We need to highlight that there are risks.
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  Speaker 2: And really what this comes down to is talk to
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  Speaker 2: your kids, just say, I know you want to have
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  Speaker 2: the sleepover. I know it's going to be really fun,
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: but what are you going to do to stay safe?
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  Speaker 2: What are you going to do if the boys or
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  Speaker 2: the girls, or whoever is hanging out with start looking
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  Speaker 2: at imagery that is explicit and vulgar and coarse and inappropriate,
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  Speaker 2: How are you going to deal with that? Or what
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: happens if someone wants to play truth or dare and
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  Speaker 2: you find yourself in a situation where you're feeling pressured
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  Speaker 2: to behave in ways that are inconsistent with what we've
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  Speaker 2: taught you. Having those conversations. I guess giving them a
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: dry run before they get there can be super important
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: for keeping them safe and actually facilitating their ability to
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: have a good time.
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  Speaker 3: This reminds me of the conversation we had recently about
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: introducing mobile phones to our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, it was last Monday.
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  Speaker 3: And while the research there isn't a lot of research
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: around sleepovers, I'm going to suggest that this is going
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: to be a conversation similar to mobile phones. I think
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: that parents are pretty conscientious and making decisions to help
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: keep their children safe, and so there isn't going to
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: be a arbitrary age that we say this. This is
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: you know, okay, this is great. It really is going
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: to come down to each individual family's needs and children
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: and who they are, their personalities and their developmental level
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  Speaker 3: okay opposed to their age.
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  Speaker 2: So let me ask you a couple of quick questions,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: just yes or no. Number one, should there be a
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: bed time for sleepovers?
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  Speaker 3: Yes? One percent?
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  Speaker 1: And what time should that be?
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  Speaker 3: That's up to the individual family.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, but I.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: Think I think the reality is they're probably not going
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: to listen to you, but you can definitely have an expectation.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: But when we've had sleepovers to our place. We've just
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: gone into the kids and said, you know what, guys,
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: it's bedtime. We're going to bed. We expect that you're
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: going to go to bed, but we're also not silly.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: We know you're probably going to stay up. So if
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: you do, the expectation is number one, you stay quiet.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Number two, there are no screens, and number three you'd
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: be nice. And then we've kind of just gone to
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: bed because kids. Right, So there's there's that next question
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: for you. If you're dropping your kids off to a
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: friend's place for a sleep should you talk to other
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: parents about your your values, your expectations around the sleepover.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: I would be having that common before I even drop
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: them off. For me, my number one rule is these
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: are people that I know well. These are people that
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: I've spent time with, and I've spent time with in
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: their home. We've had conversations around the kinds of things
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: that I allow my children to do already, and so
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: the conversation that I'm then having with them in the
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: lead up to a sleepover is just kind of reiterating,
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: just checking in. Kids said they're going to be watching
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: a movie tonight. Do you know what they're watching. We
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: don't let a children watch anything over a PG or
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: whatever it is.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, So last question for your sleepover is good idea
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: or bad idea?
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: Context matters? Okay, if I want to have a night
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: away with you, they're amazing, Right, I'm.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Going to say they're a great idea.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: So long as you know the people, You've had good
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: conversations with your child, and your child knows that you
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: are available at any time under any circumstances if they're concerned, worried,
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: or need to come home, even if that means that
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: you've got to get in the car and drive across
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: town in the middle of the night.
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: I think for us, the biggest thing is just follow
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: your guart.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, nice one.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: Nice you might you might know people well, but there's
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: there's just a neggle that you've got and you need
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: to go with it. Maybe you're wrong, but you'd rather
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: be wrong with this than wrong on the other end.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Yes, safety is everything.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Well, we really hope that this has been a helpful
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: conversation about sleepovers across summer. It's the Happy Families podcast
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: summer series with Justin and Kylee