Latest / All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr / What a Decade of Raising an Original Has Taught Me with Julie Lyles Carr

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What a Decade of Raising an Original Has Taught Me with Julie Lyles Carr · All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Purposely. Your life.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: God's purpose. Listen at Purposely.com. But if you are someone
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: who feels like you did so much, you did everything
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: you knew to do, and some of those things just
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: didn't come through for your kids, I want you to
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: just take that burden of guilt off the best you can.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: I'm Julie Lyle's car. You are listening to the all
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: month podcast, part of the purposely podcast network. And I
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: am so glad you're here. I'm always glad you're here
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: every week, but you know what this week in particular
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: just has something really on the heartstrings for me because this,
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: this week is the 10 year birthday of when my
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: very first book came out called raising an original. So
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: here she is. This was the first book baby. And
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: it came out in September of 2016. And I thought
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: in honor of that today, I would interview myself about
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: what at this time, looking back, I would change. I
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: still think fits what I would add. And most importantly,
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: the proof in the pudding, what my kids think about
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: having been raised as originals. So let's dive in. I
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: actually have notes. I mean, like I've been thinking through this,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: so I am so glad that you're with me today.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: You know, the thing that I would say, we're going
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: to talk about like 10 things because this is the
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: 10th birthday of this book, Raising an Original. So I'm
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: going to give you 10 things. The first thing that
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: I would say is that I really was writing this
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: book as much to myself as I was to parents.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: And here's what I mean by that. You know, when
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: you are in the throes of raising a a lot
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: of kids, I have eight children, you are doing some
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: things because you need it to be efficient. And then
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: you are always cross-checking yourself because you wanna make sure
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: also that you are honoring each of the individual personalities
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: that are showing up in your home. And that is
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: complicated with one child, is complicated with two children, and
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: it is complicated with eight children. And so at the time,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: I was just needing a real shot in the arm,
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: a real boost to remind myself that each of these
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: kids were so unique and so distinctive. And I myself
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: needed the encouragement that it is God ordained that we
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: are originals, that he creates us so individually. And this
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: was an opportunity for me to put my parenting experience
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  Speaker 2: to work, my work in psychology to to really synthesize
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: all that and what it says in scripture about how
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: individual the calls are on each of our lives, the
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: way we're uniquely gifted. So for me, as I was
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: writing it, it was in part sharing what I'd learned
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: at that point in the journey, but also, and this
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: is the confession, I was writing it to me as
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: much as I was writing it to you and to
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: the other readers out there. Today, now having written almost
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: 30 books, I'm like, I feel like I stumbled my
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: way there, but I think that is really one of
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: the best ways to go is when you're writing the
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: book that you need, the encouragement that you need, the
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: lessons that you've learned that you wish someone had shared
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: with you. So I would say that's my confession about
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: what came out with the book and the motivation behind it,
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: where I was at in my own life at the time. Okay,
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: here's the second thing. I would ask myself, Jules, what
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: did you get right about the book? And I have
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: to say, And I'm kind of delighted about this. I'm
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: worried you're going to take it as a self-brag. I
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: do not mean it this way. Part of what I
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: think was really right about this book was to really
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: dig in on taking the time to understand and survey
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: and listen to who each of the children God has
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: given you, who they really are. I think that we
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: are even today still grappling with people wanting to come
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: up with these systems for raising children and wanting those
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: systems to cover any kind of personality differential. I certainly
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: saw it in the early days of my parenting with
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: some of my oldest kids. You know, if you could
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: just get everybody to do this and do that and
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: follow the system, then parenting was going to be easy
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: and your children were going to have guaranteed outcomes. And
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: by the time I wrote Raising an Original, I realized
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  Speaker 2: that was a total scam. There was no way that
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: all these kids, they were so different and God had
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: different purposes for each of their lives. And that's what
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: I needed to be focusing on, not trying to get
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: everybody like little ducks in a row. What that says
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: to me now, as I think back, what got right
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: in that book is that uniqueness is a theology. It's
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: not a trend. So when you think about uniqueness as
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: a theology, That means that it's embedded in how God
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: designed us. And a lot of this, you know, you
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: know that your fingerprints are distinct from anybody else. You
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: even know that, you know, identical twins still have some
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: slight differences. That's how unique we are in God's creation.
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  Speaker 2: So that's something that is not a trend. It's not
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: some kind of wave of parenting advice that comes through.
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  Speaker 2: Uniqueness truly is a theology about the very way that
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: God created us. Now, then I had to ask myself, okay,
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: what would I change? If I were to go back
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: and rewrite Raising an Original at this point, what would
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I change? And on that one, this is a little
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: bit more complicated because I tried really hard in the
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: book to make sure I'm, you know, all eight of
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  Speaker 2: my children are mentioned, but some of them are mentioned
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: more than others. And some of them, because of the
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: lessons I learned in parenting from challenges that they faced
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: or distinct things about their personalities. Some just have more
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: written about them than others. And that still bothers me
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: because I really wanted it to feel equal. Now, here's
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: one thing that's important to note. My kids don't bring
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: this up as something that bothers them. They aren't going
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  Speaker 2: through with a marker, taking note of every time this
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: sibling was mentioned, but they weren't. So that's not exactly
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: something that I'm paying for on the backside. And I
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: have kids who feel a little slighted in terms of
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: how many mentions were made or how many stories were made.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: But it does, it does get to me a little
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: bit because I just think I wanted it to feel
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  Speaker 2: more fair. And in some ways it doesn't. Now here's
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: what's funny. And here's probably what my kids might weigh
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: in and want to change a little bit, or maybe
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: they'll have feedback for me in later years as more
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: of them become parents. But some of them do not
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: want to be mentioned because in my work. And it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't have to do with me. It has to do
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  Speaker 2: with their own sense of privacy. You know, all of
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: my children in one iteration or another either started into
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: what became social media and all that when they were
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: in their late teens and early twenties and stuff like
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: that started hitting, or they were always raised in it.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Like it was always part of their world. Some of
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  Speaker 2: them are exceptionally comfortable being in the public eye, being
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: on social platforms, being associated with the work that I've
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: done and all that kind of stuff that is public facing.
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  Speaker 2: Others really like their private lives. Others really don't have
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: a desire or a need to be known as whatever
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  Speaker 2: this little corner of the internet is mine. And again,
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: it's not any kind of ill will thing. It's simply
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: the way that they want to live their lives And
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: because their dad and I have been fairly public figures
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: in their lives, they are just more private. So I've
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  Speaker 2: got kind of this weird thing when it comes to
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  Speaker 2: what would I rewrite or redo in that part of
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: it would be, I'd want it to be more fair.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: I'd want it to be more equitable across all the kids.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: And yet at the same time, what's funny about that
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: is some of the kids are might not want to
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: be included in the project at all at this time.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: But I got to say, in terms of core concepts,
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: I don't really think I would change a lot. Honestly,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty happy with what's in there. And I really
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: wanted to provide something to parents that was timeless since
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: parenting trends come and go so fast. Okay, what would
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  Speaker 2: I add today if I were writing this book? And man,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: this is just like right in the pocket. we'd have
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: to talk about AI and the meaning of being an
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  Speaker 2: original in an age of AI, which is going to,
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  Speaker 2: in some ways, I think there are really amazing tools
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: that come from AI. There are certainly things that I
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: would be more than happy to automate or have help
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: with or whatever, but I think that it's going to
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  Speaker 2: increase the conversation about what it means to be truly
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  Speaker 2: original because we, We are going to get to a
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  Speaker 2: place where, and these conversations are already happening, right? But
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  Speaker 2: we're going to get to this place where sometimes it's
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  Speaker 2: going to be hard to know if something is truly
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  Speaker 2: original content or who spent the time and put in
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  Speaker 2: the thought or developed the thing because they were willing
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  Speaker 2: to sit in who God made them to be. They
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: were willing to really sort through what that meant. They
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: were willing to create something out of the individuality that
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  Speaker 2: God created. has given them, the originality, the uniqueness. So
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  Speaker 2: that conversation in combination with AI, I think today would
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: be a fascinating thing to add into the raising an
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  Speaker 2: original content. I think that would be really, really interesting.
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  Speaker 2: But of course, at the time, that was not anything
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  Speaker 2: that I was seeing coming in the way that it's
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: come now, 10 years ago, no. But today, I think
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  Speaker 2: it would make a lot of sense. Okay, so the
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: next thing I would ask myself if I were interviewing
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: myself on these 10 things about the 10-year anniversary of
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Raising an Original, so what has been the proof in
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: what's happened in terms of we raised our kids by
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  Speaker 2: putting a high value on the originality God placed in them.
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  Speaker 2: So what's happened? And this is one of those places
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  Speaker 2: I feel really grateful to be able to do a
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  Speaker 2: retrospective in this way that is so specific to a
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  Speaker 2: specific message. Because let's face it, there's a lot in
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: your parenting that you're doing in the moment. You're having
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: to come up with some stuff on the fly. You're
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: just trying to figure out things as best you can.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: And It's not often, at least when I think back
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: on parenting, that I have specific moments that I can
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: refer back to and say, hey, we chose this particular
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: path and now say to my adult kids, what are
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: your thoughts as you look back on that? What I
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: will tell you for sure in our family is that
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: we have the most diverse group of kids. It lived
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: up to the promise on that. These are originals. And
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  Speaker 2: part of that truly was simply baked in. That is
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: how they came with factory settings. But part of it too,
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: is because this was such a high value in our family,
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: it definitely comes through when it comes to where they're
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: all at in their lives. Now of the eight kids,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: six of them still live in the area where my
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: husband and I are, which we love. And we have
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: one who lives up North and we have one who
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: lives even further down South. And, when I think about
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: their professions, not that I think professions are the way
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: that we always measure individuality, but it's a full range.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: It's very fascinating. We've got software engineers and we have
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: business managers and we have professional dancers and there's just,
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: we've got people in medical. I mean, it's just a
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: wide range of where you see some of that originality
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: play out in terms of career choices. when it comes
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: to relationships, when it comes to the ways that some
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: of the kids are beginning to raise families and choices
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  Speaker 2: they make about where they're gonna live and how they're
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: gonna do their finances and take care of their homes
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: and what's important to them as they launch into their
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: adult lives. Again, it's just so fascinating to watch all
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: the originality that's there. The other piece that's interesting though
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: is when you get a bunch of originals together who
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: are really celebrated for their originality, they still have this
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: connection that is the family thing, right? So in our family,
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: that has always been laughter. We have always been a
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: family that laughs and laughs a lot together. So even
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: as different as some of these personalities are, I do
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: see this common thread of laughter and laughing at things
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: that maybe other people wouldn't even understand. there is an
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: original level of humor with my kids that's very fascinating
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: and is extremely bonding, even when they are living very
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: different lives or they're in very different industries or they've
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: taken different paths to get where they are. It's very
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: fascinating to watch how that laughter component is still this
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: very important bonding piece of how all these originals still
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: talk and laugh together. And one thing that is definitely
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: still there that was part of our family dynamic was
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: the importance of family. And man, I'm thankful that my
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: kids have onboarded that as part of what is important
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: to them as well. You know, simply because you make
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: family a priority when you're raising your kids does not
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: always mean that your adult kids are going to choose that.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: And As parents, to some degree, we have to get
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: comfortable with the fact that we can do all we can.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: We can do all we can to lead our kids spiritually.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: We can do all that we can to lead them
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: in certain values. We can do all that we can
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  Speaker 2: to make family this wonderful, safe place where we would
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: hope that they would want to come back to and
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: make more memories and all those things. But at the
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: end of the day, our adult kids have to make
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: those choices. And I don't tell you to scare. I
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: don't want to scare you in this way if you
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: are in it right now with young kids and trying
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: to do all the things. But if you are someone
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: who feels like you did so much, you did everything
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: you knew to do, and some of those things just
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: didn't come through for your kids, I want you to
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: just take that burden of guilt off the best you can.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: You think that you are in the final round of
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: getting all this parenting done. You've got kids who are
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: in high school, you're starting to think about college, and
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: you're thinking, this is it.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: I'm Julie Lyles Carr. I'm a podcaster, and I'm a
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: mom of eight.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: And here's what I want you to know about. George
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: Fox University, it's a different way of doing college. Why?
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Because yes, it's all about.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: Getting a fantastic degree to set your kid up for
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: their future. They have 60.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Undergrad programs available at George Fox University. But that's not
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: where the story ends. It's also about equipping them spiritually.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: If you get out of college with a degree, but
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: you don't have a closer relationship with God, that obviously
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: is going to deeply.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: Impact what your young adult life looks like.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: So for your kiddos, I want you to consider what
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: would it mean for your child to be able to
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: go to George Fox University where 93% of of George
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: Fox students say they now have a closer relationship with Jesus.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: George Fox University is located in the Pacific Northwest in Oregon.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: They have 23 Division III athletic programs, and 100% of
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: students at George.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: Fox University receive financial aid. George Fox University is dedicated
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: to their promise.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: They want every student to be known for who God
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: created them to be. So listen, parents, yeah, you are
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: getting into some of those final laps, but you definitely
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: want to make these last laps count in a big
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: way when it comes to the legacy of your parenting.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: So be sure and check out for your student, georgefox.edu.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: That's georgefox.edu. I've known exceptional families that when it comes
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: to that launch sequence, man, it just hasn't gone the
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: way that they anticipated. And I think parents really take
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: on a sense of heavy responsibility with that. Well, if
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: I had only done this, if I had only done that.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: So when I talk about there being proof in these
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: originals that I've raised, I hope you hear in there
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: a ton of grace for the fact that When your
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: kids are raised knowing that they have unique calls and
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: purposes on their lives as ordained by God, that also
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: means that they're going to feel the responsibility and the
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: freedom of that. And sometimes that can look very different
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: than what you thought it might. And sometimes there may
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: be seasons that for them to really figure out the
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: fullest expression of who God created them to be, they
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: may make choices or go down paths or move far
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: away or whatever it is that you really wish they
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: hadn't done, but at the same time is part of
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: their process before God and figuring out their purpose. So
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: I would say that, that all eight of these kids
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: definitely are really different people, but in their individualities and
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: in their originalities, there is a bonding in that that
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: I'm glad came through one way or the other, even
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: with me in the middle of it. Okay, now one
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: thing that I did, is I asked my kids if
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: any of them had feedback for you, if they wanted
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: to talk about their experiences being raised as originals. And
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: two of the kids chose to do it. And the
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: other six, I don't know. A mom can only text
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: so many times, right? Hey guys, I'm doing a podcast
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: episode on raising an original. Please can you give me
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: two of the six? So, you know, just let that,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: let that stat settle in. And actually one of my
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: kids was going to try to be on the podcast
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: with me and I was going to interview her a
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: little bit. And she came down with a little something.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: And so she's not gonna be able to do it.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: So I guess that's three out of the eight. Okay, well, anyway.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: So one of the kids responded, because I don't have
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: a frame of reference for how it feels to be
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: on the other side, to not be raised with your
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: originality being such a central focus. I'm a little unaware
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: of how yours and dad's original mindset impacted me personally.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: And I have more to discover, I think. But now
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: as a parent, because now this child is a parent
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: of two kids, She said, I have noticed that many
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: friends who are also young parents are trying to construct
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: a new framework for their kids where their children's natural
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: temperaments and interests are recognized without the pressure to fit
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: a certain mold of expectations. But for me, this feels
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: like second nature. I test this to hard-fought work done
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: by you and dad and get to reap the benefits
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: now raising my kids. And then she gives me a
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: thank you. And I mean, come on. You got to
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: love that. I was so touched by that. And then
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: another one of my kids, one of my sons said,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: you always encouraged us to pursue our interests and really
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: lean into them from an early age. Because of that,
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: I was able to support myself in college through my
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: small media business. And those interests have served me well
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: in my adult life and career, even though I went
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: down a different career path. And I love that he
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: brings that up because that is something that is interesting.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: We really did let the kids run full out toward
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: things they were interested in that some of them were
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: very off path. Some of them, I'm sure for people
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: on the outside, looking into our family, they thought, what
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: are they doing? But for several of the, for several
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: of the kids, there were periods of time where they
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: were really enmeshed in certain creative endeavors. And some of
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: them have continued on in that in their careers. But
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: with this particular son, I was the mom who was
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: letting him do as part of his homeschooling, all of
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: these stop motion videos with Legos and all this different
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: kind of stuff. We early on let him have a
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: YouTube channel and very quickly he started producing videos for
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: other people. He was doing all kinds of content creation
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: before content creation was really like a big thing. And
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: even though that's now not what he does professionally, letting
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: him chase that in his middle teenage years, all through college,
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: that is how he did a lot to help support himself.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: And it opened up different doors. So that was a
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: really cool thing to get to see when it came
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: to his originality and the ways that, that he chased that.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: And then with my daughter who wrote the first comment back,
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: it's so cool watching her with her girls and the
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: ways that those girls, those grandbabies of mine are being
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: celebrated as originals. And I, I want to encourage you
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: in that, that even if you feel like you were
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: raised in a way that was very limited or you
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: had to really force to form, you have an opportunity
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: to really create generational change that then goes on into
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: the next generation and the next that creates a lot
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: of freedom for discovering who you are and who God
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: designed you to be. So that's where my kids gave
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: me some feedback. Okay. So number seven. the comparison trap.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: I wrote about that in Raising Original 10 years ago,
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: that comparison was a deep concern that I had. I
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: saw it as a potential trap for myself because we
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: all want to know that our kids are doing good,
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: that our kids are doing okay. And so we scan
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: the horizon all the time looking for how everybody else
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: is doing it. I also have done the very same thing.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: But the problem with comparison is it doesn't honor where
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: our kid is. is. And I think today it's a
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: gajillion times worse. If you have young kids today and
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: you are trying to do what you can do, I
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: am so sorry that you are in an environment where
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: people are even more judgy about what you're doing and
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: what techniques you're using and how you're doing things. And
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: then you can also see it all the time on
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: social media and all these other places. Like it's not
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: even just that somebody's giving you the side eye when
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: you're just trying to go have a quick little lunch
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: somewhere and you have one of your kids spin out.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: It's that you can see the even bigger reaction from
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: a much larger audience. And you can see much louder
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: opinions in a split second in the palm of your
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: hand as you are monitoring and watching various parenting channels
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: and all these different kinds of things. And I'm really
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: sorry that it's that way. I think that that means
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: you're going to have to fight even a little bit
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: more for originality because the comparison is bigger. The comparison
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: is more immediate and the comparison is louder than ever before.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: So I want to encourage you to hang in there
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: that your kid's uniqueness is valid and is worth fighting for. Okay.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Biggest surprise. What was my biggest surprise today after watching
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: Raising an original. You know, I think part of what
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: I'm seeing today that's very interesting to me is that
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: when I wrote Raising an Original, one of my concerns
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: was that some parents could unintentionally take it as permission
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: for their kids to be wild or inconsiderate or that
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: everything could become very child-centered. And I actually was very
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: concerned about that. There is writing in the book about
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: avoiding that, how to raise originals without everything becoming about
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: the original. Originals are placed in communities. There are things
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: that are good for communities. There is etiquette that should
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: be learned. There are things that if your original is
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: dragging attention away from everybody else, well, that's selfishness. That's
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: not originality. And so I wrote about that at the time.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: I had no idea some of the parenting trends that
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: we now see today are we're going to be coming
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: down the pike. And some of those parenting trends have
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: really made everything so child-centered in ways that now we're
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: also seeing psychologists and therapists weigh in on and say, hey,
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: this is actually not good for kids to think they're
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: the absolute center of the universe and that their feelings
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: are the center of everything and that there aren't consequences
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: for behaviors. So I think that's my biggest surprise. I
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: thought that embracing uniqueness and originality would not necessarily find
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: its way into conversations about some of the parenting we're
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: seeing today that doesn't seem to know how to hold
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: those things in balance. And at the time, I was
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: so much more concerned about the ways in which we
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: were trying to compress kids into molds. It didn't dawn
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: on me that very quickly, after this particular book came out,
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: we would see a burgeoning sense of just kind of
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: having no constraints on kids, having no sense of, hey,
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: we can't just run completely by emotion. That was a
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: really big surprise to me. And I think it was
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: a big swing in parenting because I can tell you
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: for sure when I was raising, say, my oldest four,
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: what I was pushing back against were some really restrictive
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: things attitudes toward parenting and about really compressing and pushing
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: down personality. But man, by the time I got to
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: my youngest four and by the time this book came
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: out just a few years afterward, that was something that
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: I noticed was that a lot of the constraints were off,
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: but in a way that I didn't think was really
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: the healthiest or was going to serve kids long term.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: So I think that was one of the bigger surprises
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: to me.
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: What about faith dimensions when it comes to thinking about
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: this book and where things are at now? Do some
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: of the faith dimensions remain the same? For me, they
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: really do. And even in bigger measure, because when you
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: start launching your kids, after you've put in the years
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: of your youth and your nice glowy taut skin, and
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: now all that's done and you have sacrificed that all
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: on raising kids, you realize ultimately with everything you've poured in,
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: there is no way you could have been a perfect parent.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: There are plenty of things that you might do differently.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: And at this point, you really do have to lean
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: into God as their ultimate parent. Because when those day-to-day
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: tasks stop, when you move from that place of being
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: the ever-present mom to being the consultant, the person who's
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: out there that they'll call if they have a need
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: or they need to know something about how to file
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: this or do that or whatever, but you're not speaking
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: into every single daily decision and you shouldn't be. And
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: you're not speaking into decisions they're making in their marriage
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: and you shouldn't be. But it is interesting that even
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: more than ever, I find myself leaning in and having
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: to trust God even deeper with the originalities that he
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: gave my children because their originalities mean that they're also
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: on original paths that have never been forged before. And I,
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: You can put all the love and heart and everything
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: else in there, but there comes a day you have
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: to release them. And that's that moment where you realize
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: that all along they've been gods, obviously, but you have
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: to lean in even harder. And so now, you know,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: I think about raising an original and now I'm kind
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: of at that place of going, oh man, okay, praying
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: for your original, releasing your original, celebrating your original, whatever
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: that looks like in their season of life. So That
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: I would say is the faith component that really strikes
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: me today. It really does. If I was going to
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: write a letter to myself concerning this book, the writing process,
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: all the things. So this is number 10. If I
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: were going to do that, I think there are a
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: couple of things I would say to myself. I would say,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: first of all, that even though I logistically understood that
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: there were no guaranteed outcomes with kids, I would double
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: down on that. Hey, Jules, you're going to do these
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: things and you're going to let the kids do some
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: things that other parents are not going to understand and
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: you're going to let them chase cool things and you're
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: going to give them, you know, blocks of time to
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: take on different endeavors and they're going to try stuff
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: and they're going to quit stuff and they're going to
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: try some more stuff and on and on and it's
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: all okay. It's all part of the process. But again,
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: it doesn't mean that you have perfected a path or
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: a technique for raising children. I would write to myself today,
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: good on you, girl, that you made their originality an
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: important component that you celebrated their uniqueness. It still doesn't
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: mean they won't encounter times where they're tempted to compare themselves.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: It still doesn't mean they won't have times that they
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: attempt to compress themselves in ways that you're like, what
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: are you doing? We tried to give you all this
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: freedom and for you to figure out who you are.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: And now you think you've got to just do this whole,
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: you know, like, whatever the thing is, right? Like corporate thing,
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: or you got to go this, you got to do that.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that the pressures of wanting to be
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: part of a community, to be accepted, to have approval,
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: those needs still show up even when you raise your
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: kids as an original. And so I would say to myself, Jules,
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: celebrate these unique, original children God has given you. Trust
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: him as the ultimate parent, particularly when you come up
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: to the launch. Understand that being raised as unique and
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: original does not mean you won't make mistakes. Understand that
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: even though you may have given freedom and given what
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: you wished you might have had certain components of your childhood,
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: it doesn't mean that your kids will not have feedback
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: for you, will not have some things that they won't
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: come back and say, hey, I didn't like that you
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: did X, Y, Z. And in all of that, just
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: give yourself a break because you're an original too. And
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: in your originality, you brought what you could to your originals. Yeah,
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: I think that's what I would say to myself. Well,
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: thank you for celebrating raising an original with me. If
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: you don't have the parenting assessment, I actually released a
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: new one in honor of a little, you know, Within
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: raising an original, there's an assessment. So you can take
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: a look at your child's personality and better determine who
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: this little entity is that you're trying to raise. But
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: also what I discovered, and this was one of the
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: big surprises, is that a lot of parents would say, okay,
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: I get it. I understand how to look at my
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: child as an original, but I don't even know the original.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: I am. And that was one of the big revelations
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: that came from writing this book was realizing how challenged
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: we are to even know who we are because we
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: ourselves have been trying to fulfill certain expectations. And we've
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: been comparing ourselves and we've been adjusting and modifying ourselves
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: to try to fit in. And so sometimes we hit
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: a point where we don't know who we are as originals.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: So there is a Raising an Original Parenting evaluation. And
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: I'm going to ask Rebecca to put those in the
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: show notes for you. It's free. You just pop in there.
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: You can download it. Take the assessment for yourself to
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: help you understand the original that you are. And thank
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: you for celebrating 10 years with me on Raising Originals. Hey,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: we have something new we're doing at All Mom Does,
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: and I really hope you will take advantage of it.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: We're going to be changing up the format a little bit.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: You know, we are many, many, many seasons and hundreds
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: of episodes into the All Mom Does podcast, and I'm
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: so thankful for that, so thankful that you're here. And
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: we wanted to change things up a little bit. I'm
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: going to be talking to you and having some episodes
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: where I'm just out and about in my daily life.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: I'm going to take you walking with me. We're going
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: to go on some drives. We're going to do a
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: little bit of this when I'm in my office. And
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: I'm still going to have on the guests and all
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: the things that you know that you love and the
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: people that you want to hear from and the topics
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: that you want to hear about. But here's what I
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: want you to do for me. We've put together an
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: All Mom Does phone number that you can call and
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: you can leave your questions, your suggestions for topics, the
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: things that you want to hear about. I really, really
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: want you to call. And I'm going to get my
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: little post-it note here so that I get the number right.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: I don't have it memorized yet. Okay, are you ready?
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: Here's the post-it. And it's going to be 888- 834-2165.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: That's 888-834-2165. Now here's something I want to ask you
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: to do. If you call and you leave a message,
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: please leave me your first name so that I know
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: who it was. Also understand that if you call and
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: leave that voice message, then we may use it on
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: the air. We may use your voice on the air
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: and that by calling the number and being part of that,
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: you're giving us permission to do that.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: But I would love for you to hop on that number,
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: Give me your thoughts. Give me your feedback. Give me
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: your questions. That means so much to me. I truly
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: want to hear from you. So 888-834-2165. Check out the
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: show notes. Rebecca will have links for that. And as always,
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: please check out AllMomDoes.com and AllMomDoes on the socials. Just
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: a phenomenal community of women just like you, just trying
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: to figure out the stuff, just like me. I love
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: it too when you head over to Instagram. I'm over
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: there the most, Julie Wiles Carr over there. And I'll
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: see you next time on the I'm On This Podcast.