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The Conversation That Makes Couples Want Each Other More · Create The Best Me

• 0:01
  Quick heads up before we dive in.
• 0:04
  Today's conversation is about libido and building a healthy, monogamous relationship with your husband or partner.
• 0:12
  Some of the topics are intimate and may not be suitable for young viewers or listeners.
• 0:18
  Please use discretion.
• 0:20
  Have you ever looked at your calendar and thought we plan everything, why not plan passion?
• 0:27
  Stick around because by the end you'll know the simple 5:30 tweak that beats waiting for your partner to be spontaneous.
• 0:37
  We're also answering three big questions.
• 0:40
  Is once a week really the happiness line for couples?
• 0:45
  What do you do when your desire is at zero?
• 0:50
  How people, places and things, yes, like the hilarious role-play scene in Modern Family brings back the spark without breaking monogamy?
• 1:00
  Joining me is Dr. Diane Mueller, your Libido Doc.
• 1:05
  A double-doctorate, board-certified sexologist who helps long-term couples turn up the desire with science-backed tools and real life intimacy breakthroughs.
• 1:16
  Let's dive on in.
• 1:18
  Dr. Diane Mueller, oh my goodness, I can't believe I have you on the show.
• 1:24
  I'm super excited.
• 1:26
  Welcome to Create The Best Me.
• 1:28
  Thank you and it's gonna be a great conversation because I think part of creating the best parts of ourselves is looking at everything holistically and looking at what parts of ourselves are not being attended to.
• 1:40
  And you know, Carmen, 70% of people say they want to talk to their doctor about sex and their sex lives and don't.
• 1:47
  So we're in store, I think for a great conversation today.
• 1:50
  Yes, we are.
• 1:52
  So you brought up the sex, let's tell the viewers and listeners a little bit about who Dr. Diane is and what she does.
• 2:02
  So as we're saying sex.
• 2:04
  So I am known as The Libido Doc.
• 2:06
  I'm a double-doctorate board-certified sexologist.
• 2:10
  And my work and my passion is really helping long-term monogamous couples find their passion again.
• 2:18
  So I listen to a lecture a while ago, many years ago that really spoke to my soul by the founder of neuro-linguistic programming, Richard Bandler.
• 2:30
  And for people that don't know neuro-linguistic programming, it's kind of like this brain retraining program.
• 2:35
  And he was saying that when he first was engaged and was getting ready to get married, everybody walked up and told him, you better start having the best sex of your life now because after you get married it's gonna go downhill.
• 2:49
  And being somebody that's a brain retrain like he is, he had a great response, which is like, this doesn't make sense.
• 2:56
  You mean I'm gonna practice something over and over and over and over again and get worse at it?
• 3:02
  So a lot of my career around being The Libido Doc is this is really helping people from an education standpoint understanding that passion can get better with the longer we are together.
• 3:14
  And I'm really on a mission to help improve a million relationships.
• 3:19
  Because what we see is that couples that report the happiest in their relationships are intimate on average about once a week, and so many people are not doing that.
• 3:30
  They're not prioritizing that.
• 3:32
  So that's my work is really helping people prioritize their intimate life again.
• 3:36
  Oh my goodness, you are a woman after my own heart.
• 3:39
  Because I believe in monogamy.
• 3:42
  And I believe in trying to make it work as long as you can and work together to make it work.
• 3:52
  Yeah, exactly, exactly.
• 3:54
  And you know, I think one of the things is so often that we want that new relationship energy back.
• 4:00
  And you know, and I think that's what drives people out of monogamy oftentimes is like wanting like that experience.
• 4:07
  But you know, the thing is, is that we actually, if we look at the science behind what is happening in that new relationship energy versus like what is happening from a chemical perspective in the brain later on.
• 4:20
  In part, it's just a change in the way we are working with dopamine, our brain hormone, dopamine.
• 4:26
  And when we understand the science of how dopamine drives desire, we can actually bring that passion, that novelty, that newness, into our long-term monogamous relationships.
• 4:36
  But the problem is we're into society where 70% of people, like I introed with, wanna talk to their doctor about sex and don't.
• 4:43
  So people just don't know that this is possible and once we realize it's possible and there's steps we can do, now we have power.
• 4:50
  Now we can make change.
• 4:52
  So, where does the libido come from?
• 4:56
  And why did we lose it when we hit menopause?
• 5:01
  You know, I think in order to answer that question, I wanna start with like what is even libido and what is even low libido?
• 5:08
  Because I think that's like a fundamental thing to be able to answer your question is understanding that.
• 5:12
  So, you know, when we're saying libido, just so everybody knows, we're talking about our sex drive.
• 5:17
  But the funny thing is, even in medicine, we really don't know how to define what is low.
• 5:23
  So for example, like if I'm going to diagnose somebody with low libido, which in medicine we would call hypoactive sexual desire disorder, that crazy mouthful.
• 5:33
  And if I'm gonna diagnose with somebody with that, I would do that when somebody has come to me for six months in a row and reported I have low libido, I have low libido, I have low libido.
• 5:41
  And after six months I say, hey, now I can properly chart and diagnose you with low libido.
• 5:46
  Nowhere in a medical diagnosis is it actually saying, what is low, how much is normal, how much is not normal?
• 5:53
  So we don't even have a basis in medicine for people to actually understand like, am I on track, am I not?
• 5:59
  And I think this is why so many people find themselves like, you know, talking to their girlfriends around like, how much are you guys doing it?
• 6:05
  How much are you guys doing it?
• 6:06
  And like, oh, you're, you're once every couple months, so am I, we're good.
• 6:10
  'Cause we're just looking to figure out like what is normal.
• 6:13
  So, I base that on what the stat I said around once a week is where couples report their happiest.
• 6:20
  Because what we see in research is like if couples have sex more than once a week, it can do other things.
• 6:26
  It can help with anxiety, it can help with sleep.
• 6:28
  It can even build bone.
• 6:29
  I can talk about some of that research; so it can help with other things.
• 6:33
  But we don't see a big increase in relationship happiness more than once a week.
• 6:37
  but we see a big decline in relationship happiness less than that.
• 6:42
  So that once a week goal is usually where I say, hey, hey, there's some, you know, real, real negative implications if we're not prioritizing that.
• 6:51
  So that being said, to answer your question of where does it go, right, what happens to it?
• 6:57
  So in a long-term relationship, one of the things that, like I said that is, is driving the desire is that dopamine.
• 7:05
  So to back it up in talking about that new relationship energy.
• 7:09
  That new relationship energy is driven by dopamine and people have heard; dopamines have been getting like more conversation, it's more conversation.
• 7:16
  A lot of people have heard about dopamine and know it as like our reward hormone, our reward brain hormone.
• 7:22
  So you eat a piece of your favorite dessert, you have that glass of wine, you get to see your BFF, and you get this kind of boost of dopamine.
• 7:30
  But what's happening beyond that for dopamine, it's not just about that reward, it's about that motivation.
• 7:35
  So in the new relationship energy, this is how dopamine works.
• 7:39
  We meet the person.
• 7:40
  We exchange contact information and then it's like this anticipation of like, oh wow, they were so cute, they were so sexy.
• 7:48
  Are they gonna call?
• 7:48
  And in that anticipation where we're like, I want them to call, I want them to text; that Is dopamine being released.
• 7:54
  Dopamine being released, dopamine being released.
• 7:56
  And then they call and it's a bigger hit of dopamine.
• 7:59
  And then, okay, well, are we gonna have our first date?
• 8:02
  And the whole cycle returns.
• 8:05
  Are we gonna have our first kiss?
• 8:06
  The whole cycle returns.
• 8:07
  Are we gonna go on our first getaway?
• 8:09
  Everything we do, we're anticipating and we're getting that dopamine, and then we get that thing and we get more.
• 8:15
  We're, we're literally high on dopamine.
• 8:19
  And then we move in together or we share keys to each other's houses.
• 8:22
  And now we're like integrated in a way where that person is just kind of expect to be around.
• 8:27
  And we're, you know, maybe expecting that, yeah, we're gonna have dinner together and yeah, we're gonna hang out Friday night.
• 8:33
  And so now there's none of that anticipation.
• 8:37
  So yes, we still get the reward of seeing them, but that is such a minuscule amount of dopamine compared to that anticipation.
• 8:44
  So a lot of what is lost is that change in dopamine because now we have safety and security.
• 8:51
  We have stability, but we don't have this other thing.
• 8:53
  So a huge part of bringing that in is actually bringing novelty back in.
• 8:59
  And so I do a lot with novelty and monogamy around like how do we actually bring newness in?
• 9:04
  And then we bring in newness, you know, whether it's a change in position, whether it's a fun sex toy, whether we're gonna go rent a room for an hour, right.
• 9:13
  Which you can do at very classy places.
• 9:15
  It's not always skeezy places; whatever it is for novelty.
• 9:18
  Then once we create that, then we intentionally start our brain like thinking about it.
• 9:24
  Like, oh, what am I gonna wear?
• 9:25
  Like almost like we're dating and what am I gonna wear?
• 9:27
  It gives us stuff to flirt around like, oh yeah, I'm gonna do this and you're gonna do that.
• 9:32
  And we start building that anticipatory type of dopamine feeling in the same way that we did in the beginning.
• 9:38
  The differences in the beginning, because everything was new, we did not have to intentionally do that; it just happened naturally.
• 9:45
  Now that we know each other, we actually have to put intention into it and time and care and is not as natural, but we can still recreate that with those things.
• 9:56
  When you started to say that I thought about an episode of Modern Family.
• 10:00
  Where Ted Bundy's daughter is role playing with her husband at a bar.
• 10:07
  You know, he's supposed to pick up on her.
• 10:08
  And thinks there's a wrench in there and some guy tries to pick up on her.
• 10:12
  And they're trying to get rid of him because they're role playing and a bar so that they can go up to the room.
• 10:18
  So when you said that, I started like thinking, 'cause you know, they had older kids, but they're trying to keep that magic, that newness in that, in that relationship.
• 10:31
  Yeah, exactly, exactly.
• 10:33
  And you know, the way I, I categorize a lot of that newness for people
• 10:37
  is like: people, places and things.
• 10:39
  is like: So if you're like, okay, well what do we bring in?
• 10:40
  is like: And I have a checklist, so if people wanna do my novelty checklist, you can find my novelty checklist at mysexdoc.com.
• 10:46
  is like: Total free checklist to download and trigger your ideas.
• 10:49
  is like: But like easy ways to start thinking about this are in the categories, people, places and things.
• 10:54
  is like: And so in monogamy, well, how do we create novelty under the people category?
• 10:58
  is like: It's through things like role playing or dress up, or like another fun thing to do for anybody that studied things like archetypes, any of like Carl Young's type of work not using his archetypes.
• 11:09
  is like: But other archetypes where it's like, oh, maybe I had the part of my personality, for example; somewhere buried deep inside that's a little more like innocent teaser, kind of like that playful, like, you know, cheerleader type of innocence.
• 11:24
  is like: Maybe there's another part of me that is really just kind of like almost boss, like pissed off boss type of personality.
• 11:32
  is like: And I'm just like pissed off at the world.
• 11:34
  is like: And so we all have these different energies inside of us.
• 11:37
  is like: And when we actually move our body and say, okay, well, what is it it like if I move my body?
• 11:43
  is like: What is it like if I find that place inside of me that is innocent?
• 11:48
  is like: And I show up from that place that never gets to have a voice.
• 11:51
  is like: And what if that place gets to actually make love tonight?
• 11:54
  is like: And how does that feel?
• 11:55
  is like: So we can even do that kind of internally as well to create a different sort of experience.
• 12:01
  is like: And sometimes I play that way with my partner and he'll even notice.
• 12:04
  is like: He is like, okay what was happening.
• 12:05
  is like: And be like, oh, well that was, this part of myself coming out.
• 12:08
  is like: Um, it's really fun.
• 12:09
  is like: But we think like people, places and things that's how we can start to categorize ideas.
• 12:15
  is like: But you know, like men, I think men feel a little more comfortable talking about sex, talking about sex positions and so forth.
• 12:23
  is like: And women tend to be a little bit ashamed to talk about it, maybe.
• 12:28
  is like: So how do you get women to feel confident and know that sex is just part of building the relationship.
• 12:35
  is like: About growing within that relationship; so that they can communicate to their spouse or partner, hey, I wanna try this.
• 12:44
  is like: Or I need to reignite that libido.
• 12:49
  is like: It is a very important question because we also see surveys that show that 92% of couples that report being happy with their sex lives, talk about it; 92%.
• 13:00
  is like: So in order to have really great sex; in order to not be in this position where we're replaying the same kind of boring sexual script of like, we do this, we do that, we do that, bing bang, boom.
• 13:12
  is like: We do the same four things over and over and over again.
• 13:15
  is like: Which we tend to fall into as couples if we're left to our own devices, unless we kind of intercept that.
• 13:21
  is like: So in order to do that, we have to talk about it.
• 13:24
  is like: So then an answer to your question around like, well, what about like the shame we're feeling?
• 13:28
  is like: Or anything else that's like limiting us from bringing it up?
• 13:31
  is like: There's a few different things like that we can do to approach that.
• 13:35
  is like: And one is if there is something like shame, which is very common.
• 13:39
  is like: The question is what is the story underlying the shame?
• 13:44
  is like: You know, shame can come from things that were said to us in childhood.
• 13:48
  is like: How we were raised about sex.
• 13:50
  is like: What we told sex was you know, dirty, those kind of things.
• 13:53
  is like: What did we learn about in our sex ed class?
• 13:55
  is like: Have we ever had a lover that was going down on us and said something weird about how our genitals look like?
• 14:01
  is like: There's so many reasons for, for shame.
• 14:04
  is like: And so we wanna figure out one, like is there a fundamental story or belief?
• 14:09
  is like: And so definitely introspection around that can be really important.
• 14:14
  is like: But I also find that, you know, shame in these feelings they live in the body.
• 14:18
  is like: And a big sign that we are experiencing shame is if we are constantly checking out.
• 14:24
  is like: Now some level of like, the brain's busy and like we're having sex or you're doing self-pleasure, and the brain like goes to the list and like, oh wow, why am I thinking about the grocery list?
• 14:32
  is like: There's like some like normalcy to that that happens.
• 14:35
  is like: But if it feels like, oh my gosh, just no matter what, like I cannot be present.
• 14:40
  is like: It's like I bring my brain back and immediately I'm gone and I just can't stay present.
• 14:45
  is like: That's a really important kind of data point, like whatever happens in is happening at that moment.
• 14:50
  is like: Like is it when your partner's touching your thigh?
• 14:53
  is like: Is it during penetration?
• 14:54
  is like: Is it when you're neck being kissed,'cause is there anything that is like, oh, when this particular thing is happening is when you're kind of checking out.
• 15:03
  is like: 'Cause that can actually be information about where your body is storing some of that memory.
• 15:08
  is like: And so when we are storing a memory around shame, there's an element usually of that fight or flight part of our nervous system taking over.
• 15:17
  is like: It's like we don't feel safe and that's some of that checking out is like it doesn't feel safe to be in our body.
• 15:22
  is like: And so some of repairing that is bringing breath and consciousness and that parasympathetic that rest and digest, I am safe part of my nervous system back in.
• 15:33
  is like: So if we're noticing like, oh wow, I always check out in this act.
• 15:37
  is like: Well, okay, how can I get, let's say every time a person's hand, your partner's hand is on your thigh, you realize like, wow, I'm checked out.
• 15:44
  is like: Okay, so maybe there's some shame around your thighs.
• 15:47
  is like: So then we would say, okay, well how close can you get to that spot and still breathe?
• 15:54
  is like: And still, like take deep breaths and still stay present without your brain checking out?
• 15:59
  is like: If your brain starts checking out, like, okay, now we're like too close to that spot, and we go a little bit away from that spot.
• 16:05
  is like: And you start to just play with this on a self-healing way until you get to the point where it's like, oh, I can actually be present and stay present in that.
• 16:14
  is like: So that's a huge, huge component of how to, to work with that.
• 16:19
  is like: Mm-hmm.
• 16:20
  is like: And how do you get both people to work together to build this new experience, to build this new relationship.
• 16:30
  is like: Or, or not really build a new relationship, but to create a new relationship where you've been married, let's say, or, or together for 20, 30 years.
• 16:41
  is like: Yeah, it's an important question.
• 16:43
  is like: One of the ways is getting back on the same team.
• 16:47
  is like: And how do we do that?
• 16:48
  is like: And so it's important to understand and start to have conversations around what is sex and what is intimacy to each other, like what they provide, why they're valuable.
• 16:58
  is like: And this is actually a great exercise for getting back on the same team.
• 17:03
  is like: Because oftentimes if you ask a partner like, okay, well: What does sex?
• 17:05
  is like: And what does intimacy provide?
• 17:07
  is like: And why are you interested in it?
• 17:09
  is like: And you might have one partner that's not interested in it.
• 17:12
  is like: But if you ask the partner, that is usually you'll get answers such as: Well, I really feel connected to you.
• 17:17
  is like: I really feel love.
• 17:18
  is like: I feel stress relief.
• 17:20
  is like: I just really like the feeling of pleasure.
• 17:22
  is like: It helps me relax.
• 17:23
  is like: It helps me connect to God or spirit.
• 17:25
  is like: Like you'll have answers like this, and many more.
• 17:28
  is like: And what's interesting is when we actually get behind, like what is sex providing?
• 17:33
  is like: What is the intimacy providing?
• 17:35
  is like: Most of the time the answers are things that both people want.
• 17:40
  is like: Like, oh yeah, I do also want to feel connection.
• 17:42
  is like: I do also wanna feel love.
• 17:44
  is like: I do also wanna feel like stress relief.
• 17:47
  is like: So then oftentimes what can help, and there's many different layers, so I'm just answering this as succinctly as I can in our time today.
• 17:55
  is like: But another component with this is then expanding our definition for sex.
• 18:01
  is like: So oftentimes, sadly, we're still in this society where we think of sex as penetration, right.
• 18:07
  is like: And sex can be so much more intimacy and touch and sensation can be so much more than this.
• 18:15
  is like: So when we begin to say, oh, wow, we are both interested in feeling deeply connected.
• 18:21
  is like: Okay, well what are all the ways in the physical touch realm beyond intercourse?
• 18:25
  is like: What are all the ways that we might feel deeply connected?
• 18:30
  is like: And when we do what we're doing is we're expanding and saying like, oh, maybe when we're laying together naked and breathing together.
• 18:36
  is like: Maybe when we're essentially massaging each other.
• 18:39
  is like: Maybe when we're just looking into each other's eyes.
• 18:42
  is like: Maybe when I'm giving you a foot rub.
• 18:43
  is like: Maybe when we're co masturbating; like there's so many different things that can come from this.
• 18:48
  is like: But the idea is when we start to expand that, what we're doing is we're actually realizing there there's more overlap then we think.
• 18:56
  is like: And so then an entry point too, if people have been really, in, uh, disagreement, what we call desire mismatch.
• 19:03
  is like: Is to actually find those commonalities to say, oh, there are places where we actually do want these same things, like the same values.
• 19:10
  is like: We have the same desires.
• 19:11
  is like: You might be after it through intercourse, and I might have these other ways.
• 19:15
  is like: So what ways do we overlap that we can have like a starting point and then we can start building from there.
• 19:21
  is like: But that first foundational step is like getting back on the same page.
• 19:24
  is like: So we realize we're working together on this and we're on the same team, versus this kind of push pull around like, well, he wants sex three times a week and I want it once a month, so we're gonna settle on it every other week, and then nobody's happy.
• 19:36
  is like: But there are some times where you have people to where they both lay in bed and they're just so dang tired.
• 19:43
  is like: They're gone.
• 19:46
  is like: Oh, a hundred percent.
• 19:47
  is like: And this is another thing that I recommend because of that where I'm, like; we cannot, most of us, once we reach about the age of, you know, 30 something and beyond, expect that we are going to crawl into bed many times after a long day of work, feeding the kids, exercising, cleaning the house, and whatever else we did that day and crawl into bed maybe at 10 o'clock at night and all of a sudden think we're gonna be ready for sexy time.
• 20:11
  is like: It's like, it's actually not really realistic.
• 20:13
  is like: It's like trying to schedule a workout at that time of day.
• 20:16
  is like: Like we're not, we know we're not gonna do that.
• 20:19
  is like: And so I actually recommend couples schedule intimacy.
• 20:24
  is like: And, you know, an important thing to consider here; and this is like what I call, um, value mapping.
• 20:31
  is like: So is to write a list of your values, the top things that you most value.
• 20:36
  is like: And hopefully your partner is right there at the top.
• 20:40
  is like: And then you make a pie chart.
• 20:42
  is like: And in your pie chart you have 24 pieces of pie for the 24 hours of the day.
• 20:47
  is like: You are gonna put hopefully seven to nine of them for sleep; hopefully however many it is.
• 20:52
  is like: And what you're doing is then you're writing in and you're looking at in real time, does your partner have a piece of the pie anywhere in your day where it's really just you and them?
• 21:06
  is like: And just like, you know, the ways we track our sleep, the ways that we have the apps, we had to track our macros, all the different things that we do for health.
• 21:14
  is like: There's that obvious thing around like, we track these things and it's like in our face sometimes the, um, impact.
• 21:20
  is like: And so one of the big things that oftentimes this exercise does is it like all of a sudden flips the the mirror to be very in our face to say; wow, I value this person and I say, this person's one of my top values, but I actually don't have any place for them.
• 21:37
  is like: And the only way that people with busy schedules largely make places for each other is to put in our calendar.
• 21:45
  is like: And you know, sometimes they get resistance on this, Carmen, because sometimes people will say things like, but I just want sex to be spontaneous.
• 21:52
  is like: And the thing of that is I have two things to say with that.
• 21:54
  is like: So one is; just because you schedule it does not mean it can't also be spontaneous.
• 21:59
  is like: Like if you schedule it, you can still have all the spontaneous sex that you want.
• 22:04
  is like: It is not saying that that is out the window.
• 22:06
  is like: But what it is saying is like I know every time something is like important to me, you know, attending my step kid's choir concert, going to the cross country meets like going to the gym.
• 22:17
  is like: Everything that's valuable that I want to attend to has space in my calendar.
• 22:22
  is like: And yet when it comes to our intimate life, which, you know, can be incredibly and should be incredibly valuable.
• 22:28
  is like: Oftentimes, we just don't actually put it into our calendar.
• 22:31
  is like: And so that's a huge thing, and I don't recommend putting it into your calendar at nine o'clock at night.
• 22:36
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: 30 Friday evening and the kids are gone and we have our time.
• 22:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that's like for sure when we are going to be making love, because then we have dinner, and then we do all the things right.
• 22:48
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But we start with our intimate life because at 5:30 we both still have energy.
• 22:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Mm-hmm.
• 22:55
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I love that exercise.
• 22:57
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Why I love that exercise is because when you're younger and your kids are really active, it is so easy to lose sight of that person that you, that, that you started this commitment with.
• 23:11
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yes And, then the kids leave, they go off to college and whatnot, and then you're like, I'm in this house with this stranger.
• 23:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Exactly, and it happens all the time.
• 23:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I think we just, you know, we think because we see each other and because there's that co-parenting and that co-delegating and that co-logistics person and you're having conversations.
• 23:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And you're still, Hi in the morning, Hi in the evening.
• 23:35
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I think it happens oftentimes without us even totally realizing it.
• 23:38
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And we just think like, we're at the sports games together and we're at this thing together, and so we're still there, but we're not like really, to there.
• 23:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We're co-parenting, we're co-housing, we're co doing the things.
• 23:50
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But it's very different to, to actually show up there.
• 23:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And, and another thing that happens, like if we don't prioritize this is this is where all like the little tiny baby microtrauma sneak into the relationship around like the things that are like, well, I asked them to take out the trash and they didn't.
• 24:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I asked them three times and they forgot.
• 24:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And like those little things that are really not that big of a deal.
• 24:13
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And are just tiny little kind of holes in like the relationship love boat, you could say.
• 24:18
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And when we have like regular sex sessions as well as regular check-ins, which I also recommend, not all at the same time, but can be the same day.
• 24:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: What we're doing is saying like, hey is there anything that you're holding onto this week that we wanna clear the air around.
• 24:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Because we wanna have those things when it's like, all I need to do to patch this is put this little tiny patch on the love boat versus these little tiny little nicks in the boat.
• 24:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And 20 years go by like you're talking about, and all of a sudden it's like this gaping hole of all these no big deal things that have now led to this huge story of disappointment, of betrayal and all of those kind of emotions.
• 24:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Mm-humm yeah.
• 24:58
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: 'Cause I know so many people that once the kids are gone, they get a divorce.
• 25:03
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I'm like, oh my God, why would you do that?
• 25:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You invested so much time and energy getting to know this person.
• 25:11
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: There had to have been some kind of fix that can be done.
• 25:14
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: This is an outsider looking in because I believe in, in monogamy and I believe in trying to stay married till you both leave this world.
• 25:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I think it gets to a point though, like to your point of, I think a lot of it, there can be these major traumas, right.
• 25:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But I think a lot of it is like, for many people isn't like a major thing.
• 25:33
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like yes, there's adultery, there's cheating, there's that sort of thing.
• 25:37
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so there are reasons like that that happen.
• 25:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But I do think for many couples it's more what we're talking about.
• 25:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's just these minor things after minor things, after minor things.
• 25:45
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And now we're fighting about what seems like a minor thing, but it's actually years of unsaid things.
• 25:51
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And you know, I think like most things can be fixable, but sometimes there is just so much hurt.
• 25:57
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so much to unwind because it hasn't been addressed that people wind up deciding like; I don't even know where to begin to untangle this mess.
• 26:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And, and I just wanna start over.
• 26:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: When, if we're proactive.
• 26:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's the same thing, when like certain health conditions happen.
• 26:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like, cognitive decline is a great example.
• 26:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like, like we see with Alzheimer's and Lewy body dementia.
• 26:18
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Some of these types of dementia that are really scary.
• 26:21
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We see that oftentimes it starts with what's called minor mild cognitive impairments, and it's just like, oh, I'm just like, you know, my executive function's down.
• 26:31
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I might have a little brain fog.
• 26:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I'm forgetting things.
• 26:33
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Well, the medical community says when you have mild cognitive impairment, the answer, the solution is watch and wait.
• 26:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: There's nothing to do from the conventional standpoint.
• 26:43
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So the idea is like you just wait till it gets bad enough, you can be on drugs.
• 26:47
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But, really with stuff like that, that's like the body's warning sign around like, oh, something is causing this.
• 26:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: There's something that's inflaming the brain, so let's actually use this as a flag to say, let's figure it out.
• 27:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And and that's the same thing with a relationship we oftentimes are waiting until it's this crazy dementia with our relationship.
• 27:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Instead of saying like, oh wow, this is like, we got some holes in our boat.
• 27:11
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So let's schedule some time on a regular basis to actually put into our relationship so we stay strong.
• 27:17
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I know, like for me, when I started HRT or bioidentical hormone replacement, they gave me too much testosterone.
• 27:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And because they said you have low libido, but they gave me way too much testosterone.
• 27:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I really thought I was gonna kill my husband.
• 27:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, yeah.
• 27:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So do you find that that sometimes helps is for women integrating testosterone, for men, possibly the blue pill.
• 27:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: One of the things I want people to most understand about this is it's almost never just one thing.
• 27:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So we have this misunderstanding about finding root causes, that it's a root cause.
• 28:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And in 15 years of practice, I've never seen a single patient with a root cause.
• 28:05
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I've seen many patients, all my patients with root causes.
• 28:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So you know, with the testosterone thing, like I love HRT, I'm on HRT.
• 28:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: HRT is wonderful and I think it can be very helpful.
• 28:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It can be, you know, there can be situations where people's hormones go way too high like you're talking about.
• 28:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yep.
• 28:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, testosterone seems to be the one that tends to be like overdose the most I see.
• 28:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like, in testing, I've seen crazy testosterone levels and I've seen high estrogen and progesterone levels, but never at the level of testosterone.
• 28:37
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So that does seem to be the one that gets, kind of spike sometimes way too high for people, but it can be wonderful.
• 28:44
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But it's also very common that women will be on, you know, something like this and, and sometimes men too, and their libido will go up and then three, four weeks go by and then all of a sudden their libido crashes again, yep.
• 28:57
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that's, you know, it doesn't mean that the testosterone's not part of the problem.
• 29:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So like oftentimes when people will have this happen, they'll be like, well, I don't need the testosterone, I don't need the hormones, it didn't really work.
• 29:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That's not the right way of thinking about it.
• 29:08
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We wanna look at all the root causes, and if we have six root causes, we have six pieces of our root cause pie, and we only fixed one of 'em.
• 29:16
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Well, it's like you get that initial boost because the body recognizes the change, but you're not gonna really have that full level of balance until you get to all the pie pieces.
• 29:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: The little blue pill is an important one to talk about because circulation is an example of many of the root causes.
• 29:33
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And if you guys want to learn more about the physical root causes too and how they can help you go take my free quiz at libidoquiz.com 'cause it'll give you these root causes we're talking about and which ones you have.
• 29:43
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And it'll give you a list of lab tests that you should ask your doctor about too, so you can self-advocate, that sort of thing.
• 29:49
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But with the little blue pill you know what we're doing there is we're bringing more blood flow to the erectile tissue of the penis; most commonly, sometimes women use it.
• 29:59
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Usually it's for men.
• 30:01
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But what's important to understand is the circulation issue we're talking about here is not just important for men.
• 30:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So men, because I think because it's very practically impossible for men to have sex without having an erection, right.
• 30:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Because of that, we emphasize the importance of circulation for men.
• 30:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But for women, in order for sex to feel good, we have to have blood flow to the genitals.
• 30:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You still get this engorgement just like the penis grows, the vagina lengthens.
• 30:29
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: The tissue around there engorges and swells.
• 30:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And we just don't see it, so we don't realize that's important.
• 30:35
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And if we don't have that circulation to that tissue and that swelling of that tissue that engorgement with blood man is sex gonna hurt.
• 30:43
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So everybody thinks of like sandpaper sex as just being hormones and it can be.
• 30:48
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You know low hormones can cause sandpaper sex for sure, but so can low circulation.
• 30:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I'll tell you one other thing here that is also like, hey, we're getting one gender involved, but we're kind of forgetting about the other half.
• 30:59
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So with circulation, like there's this emphasis on men but with pelvic floor function, there's this emphasis on women.
• 31:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So we have 14 muscles that make up the pelvic floor and kind of make this hammock at the bottom of our abdominal cavity; hold up our abdominal organs connect to a lot of our genital tissues.
• 31:17
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And when these pelvic floor muscles are either too tight or they're too lax, they're either kind of over contracted or under contracted, it can lead to a wide variety of libido and sexual issues.
• 31:28
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So women know this, right?
• 31:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: This is like we're taught to do kegels, which kegels have their own problem we can talk about as well.
• 31:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But the important point here is that pelvic floor dysfunction can also lead to erectile dysfunction.
• 31:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So this is like where men were like hyper emphasizing the circulation.
• 31:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Women were hyper emphasizing the pelvic floor issues.
• 31:49
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And really we need to talk about both of these issues with both genders.
• 31:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Never knew that.
• 31:55
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So you were talking about kegels having another issue.
• 31:59
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, so how most of us are taught to do kegels is squeeze your pee muscles, right.
• 32:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So, two problems with this.
• 32:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: One is, like I said, the pelvic floor is made up these 14 muscles.
• 32:11
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so if we're only squeezing our pee muscles, we're not engaging the full pelvic floor.
• 32:16
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So we wanna squeeze our rectal muscles; like, we're like stopping a fart, that's important.
• 32:21
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We wanna work our abdominal cavity and our core.
• 32:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We wanna work our psoas.
• 32:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: There's all these different like other movements that we wanna actually really do.
• 32:29
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So we're only emphasizing like part of the area.
• 32:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That's problem one.
• 32:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Problem two is we're thinking about these pelvic floor issues as always, from the standpoint as the muscles being like too stretchy, too loose, and we're like, we gotta strengthen them.
• 32:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Imagine going to the gym and working out and just constantly keeping your arm in a bicep curl and never ever, ever releasing it.
• 32:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's all about the proper functioning of a muscle is about its ability to properly contract and properly relax.
• 33:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So oftentimes we're just focused on the strengthening, the strengthening, the strengthening.
• 33:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And for many women, especially if there's pelvic pain, a lot of pelvic pain can be from that over constriction and that over tightening.
• 33:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that's why like things like vaginal dilators where you use something like a, you insert a very small device.
• 33:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Oftentimes the size of like a very small tampon that has like no applicator, like those OB ones so like really, really small, devices.
• 33:27
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so what you're doing is you're trying to get the muscles to like, relax and soften and then use a little bigger one and a little bigger one, and a little bigger one.
• 33:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And the idea with that is the muscles are too contracted, and they're not relaxing.
• 33:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so you can't relax enough to allow for insertion to happen.
• 33:43
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So, if we're gonna do kegels properly, we're gonna do those, but we're gonna consider a strengthening all these other muscles.
• 33:48
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then we're also going to work on relaxing these muscles.
• 33:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so, sometimes women have a hard time even finding these muscles.
• 33:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like, okay, you can think about contracting your bicep as, how do you like think sometimes about like contracting and relaxing these muscles?
• 34:02
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So a nice activity that you can do as a woman is if you lay on your back, and you insert two fingers, intravaginal, and you can put them at different areas inside your vaginal canal.
• 34:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then you do things like windshield wiper your feet point and flex your toes.
• 34:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And when you do that, you're actually going to be moving around the muscles of your pelvic floor so you can start to feel where they are with your hand, with your fingers, and that can start to reconnect the brain to that area.
• 34:33
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So like, oh, now I know where these muscles are.
• 34:35
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Okay, now let me feel into what it's like to squeeze 'em and relax 'em, because the brain starts to associate like this is where they are and this is how I engage or relax that muscle.
• 34:44
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So does this allow your body to naturally have more orgasms while you're intimate with your partner and or have more moisture?
• 34:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: 'Cause you know, as midlife we start to get really dry and you don't wanna have sex.
• 35:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You don't wanna make love, it feels like sex, not making love.
• 35:03
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, like I said, sandpaper sex is no fun.
• 35:05
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Nobody wants to have sandpaper sex and it can, right.
• 35:08
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So it's definitely like, absolutely can help with orgasmic contractions.
• 35:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: The strength of the contractions, it absolutely can help with blood flow, which can aid in lubrication.
• 35:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And like any of these things, it's, you know, oftentimes one of many factors.
• 35:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So, just to come back to that too.
• 35:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I know that we don't look like what we look like when we first got married, so our bodies have changed.
• 35:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so some women feel it might be difficult to feel sexy.
• 35:36
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Because they don't feel like this is what sexy looks like, even though this is all you got to work with.
• 35:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, yeah.
• 35:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's a really common thing, right.
• 35:44
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That women will say something and men too.
• 35:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But I hear this more from women around like, well, I'll be ready to have sex again when I lose 15 pounds; that sort of thing.
• 35:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And, and that breaks my heart.
• 35:55
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It breaks my heart.
• 35:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Now I do think we want to work to be healthy, right.
• 35:59
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that's for many different reasons, but sex included.
• 36:02
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So we wanna eat right.
• 36:03
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We wanna move our body, you know, all those kind of things.
• 36:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So I do wanna say that, you know, caveat around like make good choices'cause that will impact things.
• 36:11
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And yes like we can do all the choices we want and the bodies are going to change.
• 36:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That is part of life.
• 36:17
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And there's a huge connection in research with body confidence and libido, huge.
• 36:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And it makes sense, right.
• 36:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Because oftentimes if we're not feeling great about how we look, the idea of getting naked and the idea of like somebody touching us when we have these new roles and these new curves that we've never had before, it's like, sometimes very intense.
• 36:40
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So, what's like so interesting about this though, is we actually see research also that in order to improve body confidence, one of the ways we do that is more sex.
• 36:51
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Sex has been shown to improve body confidence.
• 36:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So this is one of the vicious cycles that we see so much in medicine and wellness.
• 36:57
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Where it's like, oh, like one thing happens, it's like we have or we've changed our body image and our body image isn't where it was, so we're not having sex, but we need to have sex to actually improve our body image.
• 37:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So then the question is how do we get out of that?
• 37:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And some of that is just by going for that.
• 37:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But some of it also I have found is to ask for our partner what we want to hear.
• 37:20
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And it doesn't mean we have to like talk about our insecurities.
• 37:23
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We can if that's valuable.
• 37:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But what we can say instead is like, you know, hey, I'm just really feeling the need to like hear that I'm beautiful in this way.
• 37:33
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And can you say this to me and can you say that in this way?
• 37:36
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And here's what's cool about sex too; is we are in a state where our brainwaves change, and we know from the science on meditation and hypnosis, when we drop into these like alpha, theta types of brainwave states, we're very suggestible.
• 37:51
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's a great way to influence a subconscious.
• 37:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I love working with this with my partner, where if something's bothering me in my life, my body, or whatever, it can be anything in my life.
• 38:01
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I will actually ask him and say like, hey, when we're making love and he'll do it, he'll wait till we're like really in it, and I'll specifically tell him what I want him to say to me to help me change my brain state.
• 38:13
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And, you know, there can be this initial feeling for people sometimes around like, well, I just want them to know, or I don't want have to ask for that.
• 38:21
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Nobody's gonna know.
• 38:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Oftentimes we don't even know.
• 38:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So us beginning to even know what we want is already a great first step.
• 38:29
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But we have to get away from thinking that somebody needs to know what we want or what we need, or what we need to hear about our body in order for it to be meaningful.
• 38:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And instead realize if they are willing to say, and we ask and they are providing that for us, that means they love us.
• 38:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That means they care about us.
• 38:48
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That means they're listening to us.
• 38:49
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That means they want us to feel everything they're saying.
• 38:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So we do need to change that belief oftentimes to be able to effectively get what we want.
• 38:58
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So for the listener reviewer who has listened to us right now and said, geez this all sounds really good, but I have no libido.
• 39:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I have no idea where I left it along the way.
• 39:14
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: What are three pieces of advice that you would give her so that she can begin to find it?
• 39:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So first of all, do the value pie chart thing.
• 39:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Because that is looking first of all for like, okay, first you need to find your motivation.
• 39:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So the motivation with that exercise is usually like, okay, I want to prioritize my partner because I want a healthy relationship.
• 39:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I want a long relationship.
• 39:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I wanna be, you know, growing old with this person and have, you know, have like the best life with them till we die.
• 39:47
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So whatever that looks like for you, step one, gotta find your motivation.
• 39:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Step two is actually realizing something that I have not said yet, which is, this is where a lot of women get very confused, is that for men, most commonly desire comes before arousal.
• 40:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: For women, arousal comes before desire.
• 40:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So what is the difference?
• 40:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Desires of the mind.
• 40:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Arousals of the body.
• 40:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So desire is like, wow, my partner's so sexy, I just can't wait to get them in bed, right.
• 40:18
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Arousal is like, wow.
• 40:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I feel the sensations in my body and they feel really good.
• 40:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So again, desire, minds, arousal, body desires first for men, arousals first for women.
• 40:28
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Not a hard, fast rule, but most commonly, this is how it works.
• 40:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So for men the example is, oh wow, my beautiful wife walked across the kitchen and look at the way her breast bounce.
• 40:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: She's so sexy.
• 40:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: He has this thought, that's desire.
• 40:43
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Immediately blood flows to his genitals.
• 40:45
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: If things are working correctly, then there's that erection and that erection is his body responding.
• 40:51
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So that's the arousal.
• 40:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: For women, oftentimes they think their libido is low and men think women's libido is low.
• 40:58
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And there's this problem with desire mismatch because we're trying to get on the same page with our thinking.
• 41:03
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We're trying to get like be like, okay, but I'm not thinking about it.
• 41:06
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I'm not like horny, and that's what we're thinking we need to have.
• 41:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But for women, most of the time, arousal comes before desire.
• 41:13
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Meaning once she starts to feel enough sensation in her body.
• 41:20
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And once that's happened for long enough, oftentimes 20 minutes, and I'm not talking about like, you know, sexy foreplay.
• 41:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I'm talking about even just like sensual massage, feeling touch on your thigh.
• 41:31
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Kissing a little bit, or not just touch.
• 41:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Once you're feeling enough sensation in your body and your body starts to arouse, your body starts to be like, oh, this actually feels really good.
• 41:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That's actually usually when desire kicks on.
• 41:45
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So that's the example of like the woman basically being like, okay, well I'm gonna have obligatory sex tonight because I know it's good for my marriage.
• 41:52
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then when it's done, she looks at her husband and she's like, that was actually really great.
• 41:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Why don't we do it more often?
• 41:58
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Right.
• 41:58
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that is because she is waiting and they are waiting for desire to match desire instead of desire to match arousal.
• 42:05
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So step two, and like when you're asking me three steps, step two is really thinking about this and realizing this, and then self advocating and having these nights where like, okay, well take sex off the table but we're just gonna go and we're just going to have this night of playing with arousal.
• 42:21
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And it doesn't have to leave anywhere.
• 42:23
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It can just be sensual massages.
• 42:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: There's no expectation of anything.
• 42:27
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And take that off the table and just allow your body to experience pleasure.
• 42:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And oftentimes, if you haven't had sex for a while, it's good to do this for sometimes even a month, having like, you know, weekly dates for a month, sometimes even longer.
• 42:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And just be like, okay, whatever, we haven't done this in a while anyway, so we're just gonna keep sex on the table for a second and just get back into our bodies.
• 42:48
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And sometimes you'll find that desire starts to kick back on once we realize that arousal comes first.
• 42:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like we always, my partner and I I get so many great massages from him because we know that that's how I drop my day and get back into my body.
• 43:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then you know, I'm more into having sex.
• 43:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so the number three from that standpoint really is looking at your own body.
• 43:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Besides like taking the libido quiz that we talked about.
• 43:13
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And by looking at your own body, I would actually mean is touching your own body.
• 43:16
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so we have to begin to understand what we like before we can begin to explain it to our partner.
• 43:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And like for example, and so for those of that are just listening here, what I'm doing visually is I'm holding up a picture of the clitoris.
• 43:32
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And a lot of people think it's just this tiny little nub, this like head that visual part that you can see.
• 43:38
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But the clitoris actually has these long legs.
• 43:40
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: They kind of look like a wishbone and they extend under the pelvic floor and they go all the way; you'll find'em kind of under the labia minora, the inner labia, the inner lips.
• 43:50
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And oftentimes women don't even know, like they have all this pleasure sensation there.
• 43:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And sometimes you can have the best orgasms and sometimes you can have like the best experience.
• 44:01
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: What we see from research on orgasms is it's a positive feedback loop.
• 44:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So the more pleasure the body starts to have, the more it says, oh, I want more pleasure.
• 44:14
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But you have to get over that hump initially to say, okay, well; again, motivation, this is why I'm doing it.
• 44:20
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Okay, I'm doing this because I want to maintain this with my partner, so therefore I'm going to start learning about my body and learning how to turn myself on so that I can begin to teach my partner.
• 44:30
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then as you learn your body more, and as you start to have more profound orgasms, like my experience of orgasms is they just get better and better and better, and better and better with years, right.
• 44:40
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And as I'm going through perimenopause, I had a moment, I don't know, six months ago or so where it was like, where did they go?
• 44:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like out of balance, lost them for a second and then had to, you know, change some of the things I was doing; 'cause my body's changing.
• 44:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So that can happen.
• 44:55
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But, in general, the more you know the body, the more capacity your body has for profound pleasure.
• 45:01
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So as you learn your body more and you start to have more profound orgasms.
• 45:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Then that usually kicks that desire on, because that's actually the chemistry of the brain is that when you get more oxytocin from orgasms, the brain is actually triggered to say, I like that so much, I want more.
• 45:20
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So, it's a matter of getting to know yourself personally as well.
• 45:23
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It has to be.
• 45:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It has to be.
• 45:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, we can't expect our partner to know.
• 45:29
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And another mistake I think people really get into too is if they've had other lovers, you know, prior to their partners is they bring in like, well I learned this over there and it worked, and they bring it into their current partner.
• 45:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And you know, it's like always like you know, worth like having a conversation.
• 45:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Like, okay, well this technique work or whatnot.
• 45:49
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But oftentimes we bring these things in from our sexual past into our partnerships and they don't always work.
• 45:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's not like a plug, we're not plug and play, even though I think, you know, many people would wish we that we were.
• 46:02
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So it's not as simple and we have to know our own bodies.
• 46:05
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: We can't expect anybody to know it, especially if we don't.
• 46:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That's great.
• 46:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I love that advice.
• 46:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So important.
• 46:14
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah.
• 46:15
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Dr. Diane, for the woman out there that says, I lost my libido.
• 46:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I have no idea where to find it, but I need it for the sake of saving my marriage because I wanna die with this person.
• 46:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: How can people learn more about you and even work with you so they can start to experience some of these things you talked about?
• 46:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah.
• 46:35
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Well, I'd encourage you to go to havehotsex.com.
• 46:40
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And don't worry if you haven't had hot sex yet, we can get you there.
• 46:44
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But what you're gonna find there is you're gonna find a ton of free downloadable material, and that's a great way to start getting your feet wet.
• 46:51
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You're also gonna find tons of my favorite devices and discounts for that.
• 46:55
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: For example, there's this amazing device called the Luxus.
• 46:59
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: The Luxus is a wearable device that sits right on the clitoris and the man has a cock ring.
• 47:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And this, you know, might be a little advanced for some people, so don't worry if you're not here.
• 47:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But it's a way because he has a cock ring, and the cock ring has a magnet on it that stimulates the clitoral device.
• 47:19
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So you have to kind of see it to understand.
• 47:22
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I have a video up that will walk you through it and talks about it more.
• 47:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But what it allows for is in multiple positions, the more that he's thrusting, actually the more clitoral stimulation you get through vibration.
• 47:35
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It is like the best thing for helping close the orgasm gap, waking up the clitoris and having more pleasure.
• 47:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So point being like you'll have all the freebies.
• 47:44
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You also see some of my favorite devices like that, all on havehotsex.com.
• 47:49
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You'll see my book on there as well, it's called Want To Want It.
• 47:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then once you're on my website, you'll see tons of other additional information on courses I have, if you want more step-by-step guidance.
• 48:00
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But a great place to get your feet wet is really just go to havehotsex.com.
• 48:05
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And I saw that you also have a club or a membership.
• 48:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, My Libido Club which I also call The Hot And Modern Monogamy Club, because really helping people get away from like the concept of just like traditional monogamy, which has its values.
• 48:20
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But in traditional monogamy, we're all talking about like the structure and the stability.
• 48:23
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: That's the good part.
• 48:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: But, we've kind of left out the idea of keeping passion alive.
• 48:29
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So the idea of hot and modern monogamy is let's take all the great benefits of traditional monogamy, but let's just like add the passion to it.
• 48:37
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that's really what we're doing with Hot And Modern Monogamy.
• 48:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so in the club it's, a ton of step-by-step guidance for that.
• 48:43
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And then I interview experts in this world of sex and relationship around the world.
• 48:49
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And so there's new content that comes in from my experts multiple times a month as well.
• 48:54
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Hmm.
• 48:55
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And is it, private?
• 48:56
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So if my husband and I were members of the club, would we see other members?
• 49:01
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You can be, you can have your names, you can sign up anonymously.
• 49:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So it's totally up to you.
• 49:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: There is discussion group and all that, but it's totally, you can come in, you can just say anonymous on your names.
• 49:12
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You can make fake names up.
• 49:14
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So it's a very, very easy way to protect your anonymity if that's important to you.
• 49:18
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: So when you register, it'll just say, put your name and so you can write, you know, any name you want in there.
• 49:23
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It doesn't matter to me.
• 49:24
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yep, Oh my goodness.
• 49:26
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Thank you so much for coming on the show.
• 49:28
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I love everything you said.
• 49:31
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: I think that this is something that every person, I don't care if you're midlife or before you're in midlife.
• 49:37
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You just got married.
• 49:39
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: You've been married 10 years.
• 49:41
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: This is important information.
• 49:42
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience.
• 49:46
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah, my pleasure.
• 49:47
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Thank you for having me.
• 49:48
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's, I really appreciate you helping and supporting this mission, so thank you.
• 49:51
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Alright, I will include all of your information in the show notes so that people can have some hot love.
• 49:58
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yes.
• 49:59
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Time to Have Hot Sex Again, or for the first time.
• 50:02
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Either way, time is now.
• 50:03
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Yeah.
• 50:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Alright.
• 50:04
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Thank you very much.
• 50:05
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Bye everybody.
• 50:07
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Alright, we promise answers, so let's close here.
• 50:10
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Research shows that the happiest couples tend to connect about once a week and dip them below that dents relationship satisfaction.
• 50:18
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: If your desire feels MIA, remember, for many women, arousal comes before desire.
• 50:25
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Start with touch, breathe and body sensation and the mind usually follows.
• 50:31
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And that people place and thing, framework?
• 50:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: It's a little novelty, new roles, new spaces, new consensual toys, rebuild, anticipation and dopamine inside relationships.
• 50:45
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Which brings us back to the 5:30 tweak schedule intimacy, when you still have energy.
• 50:53
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Then let the fun be spontaneous inside the plan.
• 50:57
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: If you wanna learn more about Dr. Diane Mueller or connect with her, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep147.
• 51:09
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Come back next week for another amazing episode, created just for you.
• 51:14
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Until then, keep dreaming big.
• 51:17
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Take care of yourself.
• 51:18
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: And remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself by scheduling your passion time with your husband or partner.
• 51:31
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Thank you for watching.
• 51:33
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Catch you next week.
• 51:34
  Like in our calendar, it's 5: Bye for now.