Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 364: Tammys Takes #42: Trauma Isn't the Event—It's the Aftermathaudio

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E 364: Tammys Takes #42: Trauma Isn't the Event—It's the Aftermathaudio · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:00
  hello everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode of Tammy's Takes.
• 0:02
  So today we are talking about yesterday's episode with Stacy Urig, She's a trauma specialist, and what we talked about was absolutely incredible.
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  But there's one thing that she said, again, as you know how these Tammy's Takes work, is that once we get off the episode, things keep rolling around in my head, and I think about them all the time.
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  So I usually take one quote, one saying, one little snippet from what we talk about, and that is what I delve on for these Tammy's Takes episodes.
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  So one of the things that she said, and it really stood out to me, was she said, and this was her exact quote, "Trauma isn't the event.
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  It's the aftermath.
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  It's the impact of what happened."
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  And I just kept thinking about that because honestly, that is what we work with.
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  That is what we do.
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  so many of us, I think, we spend years asking ourselves the wrong question.
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  So instead of comparing our trauma, quote, unquote, "trauma" to somebody else's and saying, "Was it really that bad?"
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  or, "Other people had it so much worse than I did," or, "Maybe I'm just too sensitive," we literally spend so much trying time and effort trying to decide whether that happened to us, and what happened to us qualifies
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  us as trauma, and hence qualifies us to be able to do something about it or get the help we need or even speak up about it, because we compare ourselves.
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  So the better question I would like to think that we should be asking ourselves is that episode, that experience, that, that thing we saw, that thing that somebody said, is it still affecting the way I live today?
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  That is the question we should be asking ourselves every single day.
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  Because if something happened 20, 30, 40 years ago, and it's still influencing your relationships, your confidence, your boundaries, or even the way you see yourself, then maybe it's worth exploring, right?
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  We got to give ourselves some grace.
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  when I'm working with a coaching client, I don't spend a lot of time trying to decide whether something was big enough to be called trauma.
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  I don't think that's the point at all.
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  I'm much more interested in the experience and what it taught us about yourself or what it taught you about yourself.
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  Because I have found that often we're not living in the present, we're living from that event that happened so many years.
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  And not only that, but we're living from the meaning that we gave the event.
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  So those are two totally different things.
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  So I want you to walk through something that I actually do with some of my clients, and maybe this will help, maybe it won't.
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  Hopefully we can.
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  If you can, just take a deep breath for a second.
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  Now think about a memory from your childhood, and don't overthink it, just the first thing that comes to your mind.
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  And it doesn't have to be the worst memory that you have.
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  It could literally be something, maybe you were embarrassed in front of your classmates, or maybe you were criticized about something, and it sticks in your mind.
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  Maybe it was just the fact of sitting back and watching your parents arguing and fighting all of the time.
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  Maybe it's when you learn that keeping the peace wasn't safe and you stopped speaking up.
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  So whatever comes to mind, just come up with one little memory and stay with it for a moment.
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  Like I said, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and stay with that moment, memory for just a moment.
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  Now, imagine you and I are sitting together and I ask you one simple question: What did that experience teach you about yourself?
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  Or what could it have taught you about yourself?
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  Not what happened, not whose fault it was, or whether it should still matter, or what did you make it mean?
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  What did it tell you about yourself?
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  So maybe that one little memory of getting bullied on the playground made you feel little, and it made you feel that you're small and that you're not tough, and that you're weak, and you're not enough.
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  Maybe being criticized at home made you think that, "Mom doesn't love me unless I perform, unless...
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  That I'm not good enough, that they don't just love me for who I am, that I have to earn my love."
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  Or maybe being ignored made you feel that nobody really sees me.
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  Whatever these things, whatever the story is that you put in your mind, I want you to notice what that story is, and it doesn't have to necessarily be factual.
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  It can be what you think the story or this experience might have told you about yourself, and I want you to look at that with no judgment.
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  No judgment at all.
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  Just look at it.
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  Just look at what those things might have told you about yourself.
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  Now, I wanna ask you the next question: How is that belief or how could that belief still be showing up in your life today?
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  Because this is where it gets really interesting, honestly.
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  Maybe you apologize all the time.
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  Maybe you replay the conversations in your head all the time.
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  Maybe you're just exhausted because you're so tired of giving everybody what they want to make everybody else happy.
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  Maybe that's it.
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  So what are you doing?
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  You're still trying to prove that you're enough.
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  And honestly, do you see what's happening here?
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  You're not really talking about the event anymore.
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  You're talking about the ripple that it created, and everything has a ripple effect.
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  So the event might have lasted just five minutes, but the belief it created has been quietly influencing and flowing through your life for absolutely years.
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  And then there's the last question that I absolutely love asking, and it's simple, but sometimes it changes everything.
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  The question is: Is that event still happening, or am I still living as if it is?
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  Just sit with that for a second because your answer is yes.
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  If your answer is, "Oh my God, I am living as if I'm still back there," it doesn't mean you're broken, my friends.
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  It doesn't mean something's wrong with you.
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  It means that your nervous system learned to adapt to help you survive.
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  It learned what it needed to learn to protect you.
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  But here's the beautiful part.
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  What your nervous system learned can be unlearned.
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  It can learn something new, and that's really honestly where true healing starts to happen.
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  Not pretending that the past didn't happen, not comparing your story to someone else's, but recognizing that you don't have to keep living from the beliefs that were created by a younger version of you who was simply trying to
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  survive.
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  So if this exercise brought up anything with you and you have those three questions in your mind, I encourage you to try something today.
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  When you self-doubt yourself, when something happens and you think, "Oh my gosh, what am I doing?"
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  I want you to go through those three steps, and I want you to ask yourself those three questions.
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  And I want you to write them down because sometimes honestly seeing something on paper, it might be the first time that you realize that you've been carrying it around for years.
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  You see it.
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  It's tangible.
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  You're now got it in your hands, right?
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  So try that, see what happens, see what it brings up.
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  I'd love to talk to you about it, so if this is something that you are encouraged to do or you need somebody to help you work through the steps and the beliefs and what I call the ripple effect
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  exercise, or whatever you wanna call it I'd love to help you do that.
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  So schedule a free call with me.
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  We'll spend some time.
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  We'll talk about some of these patterns, some of these habits, some of the things that are helping...
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  are just keeping you stuck, and honestly what the me- next step might look like because there's no pressure.
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  There's just a conversation, but sometimes until you actually wrap your head around these patterns that you've developed and see a pattern and see how you're showing up in the world, you don't know to even to even explore it.
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  So the other offer, if you're not interested in having a free call with me, is I would love to offer my signature program, Trials to Triumph.
• 7:52
  It is 90% off right now, and it is a beginner's guide, a, an adult child's beginner's guide to really start delving into why we have these patterns, where, how they were developed, and how we can start unlocking them.
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  And like I said, the it's in the show notes, but it is 90% off right now, so it's a great way to get started if you're just starting to explore.
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  So honestly, it's the exact framework I wish someone had given me like 30 years ago.
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  It helps you understand your survival patterns, and it helps you start to unravel them.
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  So until next time, I wanna thank you for spending this time with me, and remember you're not broken.
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  You adapted, flat out, and now you get to learn a new way of living.
• 8:34
  So thank you so much, guys, and I hope to see you back very soon.
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  Have a blessed day.