Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 185: Part 2: Why Your Anger Isn’t the Problem—But a Path to Clarity and Solutions

Transcript

185: Part 2: Why Your Anger Isn’t the Problem—But a Path to Clarity and Solutions · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach who helps highly sensitive people and people pleasers learn how to become more in touch with their own emotions so they can feel more empowered.
• 0:32
  I know that you are highly aware of other people's emotions and I really want to look out for you.
• 0:37
  So today, this episode is actually part two of our two part series on anger.
• 0:43
  Last time we talked about why anger can feel so unsafe for people pleasers, and the many ways that it tends to show up for people pleasers.
• 0:50
  And today we're gonna be taking it a step further.
• 0:53
  We're going to be talking about what anger is here to teach you.
• 0:56
  Because when we're able to reframe what anger is all about in our minds, then we're able to recognize that anger is not a problem to fix, but anger is there to teach us and to support us.
• 1:07
  It's there to keep us safe.
• 1:08
  So anger is not the enemy.
• 1:11
  Anger is actually a very protective energy.
• 1:13
  It motivates us to stand up for ourselves.
• 1:15
  It kind of acts like a check engine light.
• 1:17
  It tells us when a boundary has been crossed.
• 1:20
  It lets us know when we have an unmet need or it lets us know when a value has been violated.
• 1:25
  And without it, people pleasers really risk just staying in silence and remaining in these unhealthy dynamics.
• 1:31
  It's going to keep them stuck if we're not able to utilize anger as the teacher that it is.
• 1:37
  So instead of shaming yourself for feeling angry, I want you to practice being curious about that anger.
• 1:43
  Practice asking the question, what is this emotion here to show me?
• 1:49
  So there are three big things that anger is there to teach us.
• 1:53
  First of all, it's going to let us know where maybe a boundary has been crossed.
• 1:57
  It's also going to give us information about our value system and let us know about our unmet needs.
• 2:02
  So we're gonna talk about each of those things.
• 2:04
  So in regards to boundaries, anger often shows up when we need to put a boundary in place, or when someone has crossed our boundary.
• 2:12
  For example, this is maybe putting your phone on do not disturb or putting limited hours on it so that, okay, I'm only going to be using my phone during these times because so-and-so keeps calling during nap time or after my bedtime and sleep is important to me.
• 2:26
  Or maybe somebody only calls you when you're at work and so you can use your digital boundaries when you notice that anger that"oh, I'm angry that they're calling me during work, but I could also just set a digital boundary of turning my phone on do not disturb and not answering it." I want you to remember that when it comes to boundaries, boundaries are not, you cannot do this to me, but instead, oh, I can see that you're choosing to do this and I'm going to choose to do this anytime that that happens, right?
• 2:51
  So if they are calling you, every day on your lunch break, and you just need to focus on your lunch break so you can feel a bit more rejuvenated, it's okay to just not answer your phone or to turn it to do not disturb.
• 3:02
  Another example of a boundary might be just deciding ahead of time that, you know what?
• 3:07
  I'm not going to talk politics with that friend or family member anymore.
• 3:10
  It's not going well, so I'm just not going to talk politics with them.
• 3:14
  If politics come up, I'm going to change the subject, I'm gonna already have an idea of a few other topics that we could talk about that are less controversial and, and going to create less contention in our relationship.
• 3:26
  So you can be proactive about that, that, oh, I would rather talk with you about something that's not politics and set that as a boundary.
• 3:33
  Or maybe you have a friend that they like to call you last minute for things that really don't need to be a last minute thing, right?
• 3:40
  So in other words, they're trying to make their urgency, your emergency when it just really isn't.
• 3:45
  So maybe it's time to set a boundary with them.
• 3:47
  When you notice that you're feeling angry, maybe you want to just let'em know, Hey, you know what?
• 3:51
  I'm gonna need 24 hours notice if you want me to come and help you, I would love to show up for you, but my time is also valuable.
• 3:58
  And I cannot just drop things last minute to keep showing up when you have an urgency, right?
• 4:04
  Because that's usually what it is, is they have something that feels urgent to them and they wanna make it your emergency.
• 4:08
  But there's a big difference.
• 4:09
  And actually, I do have an episode on urgencies versus emergencies and how to navigate that.
• 4:14
  I will link that in the show notes so you can come and check that one out.
• 4:17
  But I want you to notice, okay, is this anger here right now to teach me where I need to stay to boundary?
• 4:22
  And then if so, what is that boundary that needs to be put into place?
• 4:27
  So again, remember a boundary is not, you can't do this to me, but it's if you choose to do this, this is how I'm going to respond.
• 4:33
  Okay?
• 4:33
  So really think about when you're experiencing that anger.
• 4:36
  Is this a situation where I need to put a boundary in place?
• 4:39
  All right.
• 4:39
  Next we're going to talk about how anger can teach us about our value system.
• 4:44
  Anger is extremely valuable in letting us know what is important to us.
• 4:49
  Often anger is linked very closely to that righteous indignation that no things shouldn't be this way.
• 4:54
  And we believe deeply that things shouldn't be that way because it's in conflict with our value system.
• 4:59
  So maybe, for example, you are feeling a lot of anger around politics that might reveal to you that, okay, what I value is fairness.
• 5:08
  What I value is equity and inclusion.
• 5:11
  What I value is people being treated fairly, and so notice, okay, what's happening underneath this?
• 5:16
  What is my value system?
• 5:18
  How is this anger reflecting back to me, my value system?
• 5:22
  Maybe you're experiencing anger in an unbalanced relationship that might reveal to you that, oh, I value reciprocity.
• 5:30
  This is a value for me, and I can see I'm not getting that reciprocity that I'm seeking in this relationship.
• 5:35
  So maybe I want to choose intentionally to invest into the people that are more likely to create that reciprocity, that I can use my value system to see where it is that I want to invest my time and my energy.
• 5:49
  Maybe your anger is around a lack of gratitude from somebody else.
• 5:52
  You've been giving and giving and giving, and you're not getting the gratitude that you would like.
• 5:57
  That might reveal that you really value being appreciated for your hard work.
• 6:01
  For many of my listeners, they don't really need things to come back to them in exactly the same way.
• 6:06
  They already know that they're overfunctioners.
• 6:08
  That they give quite a lot and they would be extremely uncomfortable if somebody gave back in kind.
• 6:13
  But acknowledging that, oh, I'm feeling angry because I'm feeling taken for granted.
• 6:17
  I'm feeling unappreciated and I value feeling appreciation.
• 6:21
  And so maybe you want to use that to again, kind of assess your relationships to see, okay, maybe I do need to invest more into people that do express that gratitude.
• 6:29
  Or maybe you want to just kind of check in with self that, am I expressing gratitude where I need to, maybe you wanna start writing thank you notes.
• 6:36
  I got thank you note the other day and it just made me so happy.
• 6:39
  And it was just me being me, but they wrote me such a kind note and appreciated me being me, and it just felt so good.
• 6:46
  So just use it as information that I'm currently feeling angry, something must be out of alignment with my value system.
• 6:52
  And then check in with yourself, see if you are in alignment with your value system.
• 6:57
  For me, I've noticed that when I'm actually able to acknowledge my own value system, I can see that, okay, I'm feeling like this is currently out of my value system and out of alignment with who it is that I want to be, but am I showing up in the way that I want?
• 7:10
  Am I being an advocate for change?
• 7:13
  Am I really spending my time and energy investing into the things that I truly value?
• 7:20
  Am I in alignment with my own value system?
• 7:23
  And that really helps me to relax a little bit because the truth is you can't control other people.
• 7:28
  Other people are going to have a different value system.
• 7:30
  They're going to be showing up in ways that we might not agree with, which is why you're feeling angry in the first place, right?
• 7:35
  So just use that as information to see, okay, what is this revealing to me about my value system?
• 7:40
  What is coming up for me can be very helpful.
• 7:44
  And then the third thing the anger does for us is it helps us to identify our unmet needs.
• 7:50
  So maybe you're able to identify that, Ooh, you know what, I'm angry because I think other people should be helping, but this means that I'm really tired because usually I can do this.
• 7:59
  And I can't do it today.
• 8:01
  So this is revealing to me that I have the unmet need of, I just need some rest or I need a break.
• 8:06
  Maybe you need more reciprocity in your relationships.
• 8:09
  Maybe you need to feel seen and heard, and that anger is there to reveal to you that, Ooh, I do have a need that is going unmet.
• 8:16
  And then once we're able to identify the need, then we can take the action needed in order to increase the chances that we can get that need met.
• 8:24
  So maybe in a very specific relationship, you're not feeling seen and heard.
• 8:28
  You know that if you called so and so that they would just really hold space, that you would feel so seen and so heard by them.
• 8:34
  And so maybe you want to just adjust a little bit to see, okay, am I spending time where I can get those needs met or am I increasing my anger and resentment essentially by choosing to invest over here?
• 8:46
  So I wanna give you some examples about what it might sound like to use anger as information to get your needs met to state boundaries, to reveal your value systems.
• 8:55
  Okay, so here's just a few examples.
• 8:57
  Maybe say, you know what, I need a 30 minute break to clear my head.
• 9:00
  So can we please finish this conversation in 30 minutes?
• 9:03
  I just need some time That's honoring your need and it's respecting the relationship.
• 9:08
  Or maybe your partner is coming home at the end of the day and saying, Hey, I've had a really long day with the kids.
• 9:13
  I know that you're probably tired too, but I could really use a little bit more domestic support.
• 9:18
  Would you please be in charge of dinner And watching the kids for a bit entertaining the kids so I can have 45 minutes of an uninterrupted bath, that would just be amazing for me.
• 9:29
  It's identifying the need and being proactive about getting that need met.
• 9:34
  Or maybe you wanna say, you know what, I've been feeling really frustrated, keeping up with all the housework alone.
• 9:38
  Can we please have a conversation about how we could divide things up in a way that would feel more fair and equal?
• 9:43
  I would really appreciate that.
• 9:46
  Or maybe you're just saying, you know what?
• 9:47
  I feel really frustrated when I get cut off by you.
• 9:50
  I need a chance to finish my thought before I can hear more about what you are saying.
• 9:54
  Is it okay if I finish my thought and then you get more information?
• 9:57
  You're also stating that boundary that then you'll get more information that, okay, are they somebody that will let me finish my thought?
• 10:03
  Or is this a pattern of behavior that I get cut off?
• 10:05
  Maybe it's a one time thing when they're just feeling excited and passionate, but get really curious about that.
• 10:10
  What is my need?
• 10:11
  And then try to give voice to it.
• 10:13
  Or maybe you wanna say something like, you know what?
• 10:15
  I've been taking on too much lately.
• 10:17
  I think I need some time to focus on my current projects before I take on an additional project.
• 10:22
  I know that you and I have different priorities.
• 10:24
  Again, this is your value system, right?
• 10:26
  That this is what's most important to me right now.
• 10:29
  And once I've addressed that, then I'm more than happy to step in and also help you.
• 10:35
  Or maybe you're recognizing an imbalance in a relationship where you're just not feeling seen or acknowledged for what it is that you might want.
• 10:41
  Your wants and needs are not being met in a relationship.
• 10:44
  So then you might say something like, Hey, would it be okay if I chose our next outing?
• 10:48
  I appreciate all of the work that you've put into finding things that we could do together, but I would also like to pick some things that I think would be fun for us to do together, and I would really love to try out that new restaurant downtown.
• 10:58
  How would you feel about that?
• 10:59
  Would you like to go out to that restaurant on Tuesday night or whatever it is, but just identify that, Ooh, I really am feeling an imbalance in relationship because I've been over accommodating.
• 11:07
  And I would like to intentionally create something here and I'm gonna.
• 11:11
  See if they're willing to meet me where I'm at.
• 11:14
  Or maybe at the dinner table, you notice that your partner is just kind of distracted.
• 11:19
  You might wanna say something like, Hey, I am trying to tell you something important and I'm not feeling like you're really present with me when you're on your phone.
• 11:26
  Would it be okay if we just turned off our phones for this dinner conversation so that I can really feel like you're really hearing me because this is important to me?
• 11:33
  So kind of notice the difference in these statements.
• 11:36
  These statements then they kind of help to move you out of resentment and into connection.
• 11:42
  It's using that little check engine light of anger to really check in with self and see, okay, something is off.
• 11:48
  It's noticing it in the beginning, that the first time that sign comes on.
• 11:53
  Paying attention.
• 11:54
  I know that a lot of my listeners, they really kind of suppress it and pretend it's not there.
• 11:58
  Again, that's kind of like turning up the radio when you're hearing a funny sound.
• 12:01
  It's like, no, I'm just gonna turn it up and pretend it's not there.
• 12:04
  It's not gonna be any big deal.
• 12:05
  But then it ends up costing us a lot more in our relationships.
• 12:09
  So practice that noticing early on practice, noticing that, ooh, something is out of alignment.
• 12:15
  Practice noticing what does that anger feel like in my body so that I know when it's showing up for me and then take the time to sit with it to ask, okay, is this here to reveal a boundary that needs to be put in place or reinforced?
• 12:28
  Is this here to let me know that I have an unmet need?
• 12:31
  Is this here to let me know that I am out of alignment with my values, or that I do in fact value something more than something else?
• 12:39
  Anger doesn't have to be the bad guy.
• 12:41
  Anger is the messenger.
• 12:42
  Anger is what is pointing you towards healthier boundaries, clear values, and getting your unmet needs met.
• 12:49
  So this week when anger shows up, instead of pushing it away, I want you to just pause and ask, is this about a boundary, a value, or in need?
• 12:57
  And if you would like help and support uncovering what anger is trying to teach you, come and work with me.
• 13:03
  You can come to my website, www.maryannwaker.lilfe or email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to come and check for availability, but I would love to be your life coach.
• 13:11
  And hey, if you have found this series helpful, I would love it if you would share it with a friend or leave me a review.
• 13:17
  It really does help me to find more people.
• 13:19
  It gives me a boost in the algorithms, and I just deeply appreciate it.
• 13:23
  It's just a free way that you can give back for all of the free content that I share here, and I would deeply appreciate it.
• 13:28
  It really does help people to find the show, and it really helps this community to grow and, the world needs more emotional awareness and emotional maturity, and by doing this work then you are leading the way.
• 13:40
  I really deeply love and appreciate you, and I hope you have a great week.
• 13:44
  All right, let's talk soon.
• 13:45
  Bye now.