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Your Breakup Manual - 9 Steps (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the episode of Today. So, yes,
0:18
Speaker 1: this is another Encore episode and we have decided by
0:21
Speaker 1: way Shanaiah and I, we've trolled through all the episodes
0:24
Speaker 1: and we have decided to bring you your heart Break Manual.
0:28
Speaker 1: We're taking it back to episode one hundred and fifty one.
0:31
Speaker 1: Love that I've had that many episodes that I can say,
0:33
Speaker 1: I'm taking it back to one hundred and fifty one.
0:36
Speaker 1: And for anyone that is currently going through heartbreak, if
0:39
Speaker 1: you know someone that's going through heartbreak, this will help
0:42
Speaker 1: you actually coach them through their heartbreak. And yeah, I
0:46
Speaker 1: just feel like it's one that will definitely help you
0:50
Speaker 1: deal with whatever it is that you're going through, whether
0:52
Speaker 1: you are the one who's been dumped, whether you're the
0:55
Speaker 1: one that's had to break up with someone, whether it's
0:56
Speaker 1: been a horrible heartbreak or a very loving and amicable
0:59
Speaker 1: heart break. Brea, this is going to help you get
1:02
Speaker 1: through this journey that we call life. Anyway, Love you
1:06
Speaker 1: guys so much. I hope you enjoy the episode. Before
1:10
Speaker 1: we get started, I do want to go into a
1:12
Speaker 1: brain fact and then we will dive straight intoto today's episode.
1:16
Speaker 1: So what I'm talking about today is a syndrome called
1:19
Speaker 1: Alice in Wonderland syndrome. Very interesting, so pretty much like
1:23
Speaker 1: the movie Alice in Wonderland. It's this. It's where the
1:28
Speaker 1: size of things change around her, so they're either too
1:31
Speaker 1: big or too small. And additionally, it's also the feeling
1:35
Speaker 1: that your body is changing in size, like you might
1:38
Speaker 1: feel a lot larger than everything around you were a
1:40
Speaker 1: lot smaller. So what they think it is if the
1:44
Speaker 1: neurons that transmit information from your sensory organs are malfunctioning
1:48
Speaker 1: or they're damaged, if there's a distortion there, then your
1:52
Speaker 1: perception of the external world will also be distorted. Now,
1:55
Speaker 1: this can happen visually, it can happen with touch, It
1:58
Speaker 1: can happen with sound, like you might hear a voice
2:02
Speaker 1: and it might appear to you to be really really
2:05
Speaker 1: loud and really really close, even though that person is
2:08
Speaker 1: you know, a couple of meters away. And then you
2:10
Speaker 1: might hear another voice of a person at the same
2:12
Speaker 1: distance and it could feel like it's really faint and
2:15
Speaker 1: really far away. So the important thing to note here
2:20
Speaker 1: is that they're not hallucinating people with this syndrome. They're
2:23
Speaker 1: not hallucinating, it is an illusion. So a hallucination is
2:27
Speaker 1: where something is created in your mind that does not
2:30
Speaker 1: exist in reality, and an illusion is a misinterpretation or
2:33
Speaker 1: a warping of something that is there. Roughly now, a
2:38
Speaker 1: lot of patients that have this syndrome also suffer from migraines.
2:42
Speaker 1: And when someone experiences a migraine, in a lot of
2:44
Speaker 1: cases they get something called an aura, which has to
2:46
Speaker 1: do with flashes of lights or spots in their vision
2:49
Speaker 1: kind of that normally precedes the migraine, and in some
2:52
Speaker 1: cases people with Alice in Wonderland syndrome can be experiencing
2:57
Speaker 1: these sensations just preceding a migraine. But it's not just
3:01
Speaker 1: people with migraines. Some people that have Alice in wonder
3:04
Speaker 1: Lene syndrome don't experience migraines at all. There's a whole
3:06
Speaker 1: bunch of different causes. It can be tumors, head trauma, epilepsy,
3:11
Speaker 1: of course, migraines, But what seems to be a more
3:14
Speaker 1: likely or a more common cause is a virus and
3:18
Speaker 1: infect a virus infections for example epstein bar virus. So
3:22
Speaker 1: a lot of patients that have Alison want to learn syndrome,
3:25
Speaker 1: don't suffer from epilepsy or migraine, but may suffer from
3:28
Speaker 1: some sort of a virus. And when there's an infection,
3:32
Speaker 1: there is a decrease in the blood that flows to
3:34
Speaker 1: certain parts of the brain. And if this is happening
3:36
Speaker 1: in the visual pathways, then it might actually affect you
3:39
Speaker 1: visual processing and it's going to distort how things are
3:42
Speaker 1: processed within the brain. And then because there's a decrease
3:46
Speaker 1: to blood flow to certain parts of the brain, and
3:49
Speaker 1: in an infection, it might that that blood flow might
3:52
Speaker 1: kind of fluctuate between different areas. So it's not enough
3:54
Speaker 1: of the decrease to kill off brain areas, but it's
3:57
Speaker 1: enough to distort the activity of those brain areas. Other
4:01
Speaker 1: parts of the brain might be more activated than the
4:04
Speaker 1: parts that are being kind of hindered by this virus. So,
4:09
Speaker 1: for example, parts like in the parietal lobe that take
4:12
Speaker 1: care of spatial reasoning, which is and that also assist
4:16
Speaker 1: in perception of your own body propriate reception. So there's
4:19
Speaker 1: this feeling that your body might because the parietal lobe
4:22
Speaker 1: is more activated, you might feel that your body's a
4:24
Speaker 1: whole lot larger and it's taking up a lot more
4:26
Speaker 1: of your processing attention, but then what you're seeing or
4:30
Speaker 1: what you're hearing is all warped and distorted in comparison
4:33
Speaker 1: to what you're feeling in your body. Like some people
4:36
Speaker 1: have reported that their head feels like it's, you know,
4:38
Speaker 1: twice the size, or that they might feel really really
4:41
Speaker 1: light or really really heavy. Now this is more common
4:44
Speaker 1: in children, but one third, pretty much two thirds of
4:48
Speaker 1: children grow out of it. About one third don't grow
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Speaker 1: out of it. And there's no direct treatment for this
4:53
Speaker 1: other than finding out what is causing it and treating
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Speaker 1: that main cause, whether it be the virus, infection, whether
4:59
Speaker 1: it be epilepsy, tumor migraines, whatever. So by trying to
5:05
Speaker 1: treat the underlying cause is how it is treated. But
5:08
Speaker 1: with everything that I just said, there is way more
5:11
Speaker 1: research that needs to go into this to confirm is
5:13
Speaker 1: it actually the virus, is it actually these things? Is
5:16
Speaker 1: there yet another cause that people don't yet know about,
5:19
Speaker 1: But there's just not enough cases to do large, large studies.
5:22
Speaker 1: So the data that they that scientists do have are
5:24
Speaker 1: taken from quite small sample sizes and sample groups, But
5:28
Speaker 1: very fucking interesting if you're interested in that. Definitely go
5:31
Speaker 1: check it out. That is your fact for the day.
5:36
Speaker 1: So let's get straight into it. We have nine points
5:39
Speaker 1: that I want to go over as part of your
5:41
Speaker 1: breakup and book Breakup one, one oh one. I'm not
5:45
Speaker 1: quite sure what this episode is going to be called
5:47
Speaker 1: until it goes alive, so it be one of one
5:48
Speaker 1: of those two things. Number one, let's begin on your
5:53
Speaker 1: journey to recovering from the breakup. The aim should never
5:57
Speaker 1: be for your X to be impressed. Okay, if you
6:01
Speaker 1: have their opinion as your goal and as your end result,
6:05
Speaker 1: then you are focusing on something that will ultimately keep
6:08
Speaker 1: you stuck thinking about the X. What I mean by
6:11
Speaker 1: this is if you're thinking right now, I'm gonna get
6:13
Speaker 1: fucking hot. I'm gonna get so hot. I'm going to
6:16
Speaker 1: start training really hard, and I'm gonna be eating really clean,
6:18
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be doing all this shit and I'm
6:20
Speaker 1: gonna get my head under it, and then my ex
6:22
Speaker 1: is going to turn around and think, fuck, I made
6:24
Speaker 1: a mistake because they look so hot. Wrong. Wrong. If
6:28
Speaker 1: you want to start training because it's good for your
6:30
Speaker 1: mental health and the feelings of endorphins are gonna you know,
6:34
Speaker 1: have this like these feel good neurotransmitters pumping through your
6:37
Speaker 1: body one hundred percent. I think one of the best
6:39
Speaker 1: things for a breakup is to go and train. But
6:41
Speaker 1: if the reason you are training is because you want
6:44
Speaker 1: your ex to regret dumping you and be jealous, then
6:46
Speaker 1: you're always going to have your ex's opinion of you
6:49
Speaker 1: in the back of your mind. Your why is for
6:53
Speaker 1: the it's just for the wrong reason, and your why
6:56
Speaker 1: is actually keeping you tied. You've still got that row
7:00
Speaker 1: that is tying you to your ex, and then it's
7:03
Speaker 1: going to cause you to do behaviors that's fall into
7:06
Speaker 1: line with what your ex would like. If you know
7:10
Speaker 1: that your ex likes this certain thing, and likes this
7:12
Speaker 1: certain behavior, and likes this certain look, and if you
7:15
Speaker 1: want your ex to be jealous, then you're going to
7:17
Speaker 1: be biased towards participating in things that you know your
7:21
Speaker 1: ex would like, behaving in a way that you think
7:23
Speaker 1: your X would find attractive, all these things so that
7:26
Speaker 1: way your ex can turn around being like, Wow, did
7:28
Speaker 1: I make a mistake leaving them? Your aim is to
7:32
Speaker 1: move on, not for your X to be jealous, but
7:35
Speaker 1: to move on. Okay, So everything that you do from
7:38
Speaker 1: here onwards I'm all for bettering yourself, fucking absolutely, and
7:41
Speaker 1: I'll get into that in a second, but it should
7:42
Speaker 1: never be to make your ex jealous. So right now,
7:45
Speaker 1: assess your behaviors and ask yourself, what right now am
7:49
Speaker 1: I doing where I've got my ex's opinion of me
7:52
Speaker 1: in mind as an end result, and eliminate it. Find different,
7:57
Speaker 1: a different why for what you're doing. You can still
7:59
Speaker 1: be doing the same thing, but change the why behind it.
8:02
Speaker 1: Number two, you want to better yourself to the point
8:06
Speaker 1: and this ties into bettering yourself. You always want to
8:10
Speaker 1: better yourself to the point that if your ex came back,
8:13
Speaker 1: you wouldn't want them. Okay, not because they're below you,
8:17
Speaker 1: or you're better than them or your scum and now
8:20
Speaker 1: I'm no, but because you have evolved so much that
8:24
Speaker 1: your ex represents a life that feels so distant to you.
8:29
Speaker 1: It's not about harboring negativity. It's like I'm going to
8:31
Speaker 1: be better than you. Because again you'll understand why in
8:34
Speaker 1: a few points time why that doesn't help. But it's
8:36
Speaker 1: more of this thing. It's like I've grown so much
8:38
Speaker 1: as a person that now I look back at our
8:41
Speaker 1: relationship as this thing of like, oh, Yeah, I know
8:45
Speaker 1: I loved you, Yes, we grew, Yes I learned a lot, whatever,
8:48
Speaker 1: But I just could not be with you again because
8:51
Speaker 1: I've just grown so much as a person. I've had
8:52
Speaker 1: so many evolutions since we broke up, that it just
8:56
Speaker 1: would be it just would be weird. It'd be like
8:58
Speaker 1: dating someone from primary school vibes not interested. That's what
9:02
Speaker 1: I mean when I talk about going and doing some
9:04
Speaker 1: things to better yourself. The goal is that you don't
9:07
Speaker 1: have a by any animosity, but the goal is that
9:10
Speaker 1: you've worked so much on yourself and you've grown and
9:12
Speaker 1: evolved so much that you can get to the point
9:15
Speaker 1: where it's not out of malice and it's not out
9:17
Speaker 1: of revenge or hatred, but where you can turn around
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Speaker 1: and be like, I've actually done so much work on
9:22
Speaker 1: myself that I've gone a full oneint eighty and now
9:24
Speaker 1: it's like, this is so strange to me to even
9:26
Speaker 1: consider being with you. That's where you want to be,
9:29
Speaker 1: So how do we do this? There's a good test.
9:32
Speaker 1: You've got to ask yourself, what is something that can
9:34
Speaker 1: be built on always and it's not dependent on someone's
9:39
Speaker 1: external opinion of me. Okay, So, for example, if you're
9:44
Speaker 1: trying to better yourself, but the bettering has only got
9:47
Speaker 1: to do with your physical appearance. Then there's going to
9:49
Speaker 1: be a lot of holes and flaws in that, because
9:51
Speaker 1: ultimately you're putting way too much importance on something that
9:54
Speaker 1: requires someone else to give you a compliment or require
9:57
Speaker 1: someone else to think, oh, wow, you're really hot. Okay,
10:01
Speaker 1: I'm all for making yourself look good for yourself in
10:03
Speaker 1: the mirror, but it has to run deeper than that. Okay,
10:06
Speaker 1: So I'm talking more about things that you can grow upon,
10:08
Speaker 1: things that you can get so passionate about that when
10:11
Speaker 1: you're doing it, you can kind of lose yourself in
10:12
Speaker 1: it because it's you're so into it. Pick up some
10:15
Speaker 1: sort of a skill, a hobby, start learning something, go
10:18
Speaker 1: back to studying something that matters to you. For me,
10:21
Speaker 1: one of the biggest saviors for me in one of
10:24
Speaker 1: my breakups was returning to studying and doing my masters
10:27
Speaker 1: and really just burying myself in all this new content
10:31
Speaker 1: and information. And it was it was a challenge. It
10:33
Speaker 1: was a doable challenge. It didn't make me upset because
10:35
Speaker 1: it was too hard, but it was challenging enough that
10:38
Speaker 1: there would be hours at a time where I'd be
10:40
Speaker 1: so entrenched in what I was doing and doing something
10:43
Speaker 1: that I loved that I knew was going to serve
10:45
Speaker 1: me for the rest of my life. It couldn't. It's
10:48
Speaker 1: not going to fade. It's stuff that stays in my
10:50
Speaker 1: brain because I want it to. That really helped me
10:54
Speaker 1: evolve as a person. And then after you know, a
10:57
Speaker 1: few months of doing it, I already saw how much
10:59
Speaker 1: I had by really applying myself to something and how
11:02
Speaker 1: different I already was in such a short timeframe. So
11:06
Speaker 1: find a few things that you can do. Okay, and
11:08
Speaker 1: I've used so many examples in the past. It can
11:10
Speaker 1: be a tiny fucking hobby. It can be a huge
11:12
Speaker 1: undertaking of something really that's always fascinated you that you're
11:15
Speaker 1: finally going to do up to you. Okay, that's something
11:17
Speaker 1: that you can always grow on, you can always add to,
11:20
Speaker 1: and it's like a process of evolution. So ideally a
11:22
Speaker 1: skill that you're learning that you can get better at. Okay.
11:25
Speaker 1: Number three, pay attention to the anger, resentment, or hatred
11:31
Speaker 1: that you hold towards your ex. Okay, if you harbor
11:36
Speaker 1: crazy amounts of anger towards your X for what they
11:39
Speaker 1: did to you for how they treated you, for how
11:40
Speaker 1: horrible they were. Then you are holding too much energy
11:44
Speaker 1: for them. You're holding too much space for that person,
11:47
Speaker 1: and it stops you from moving on in a healthy way.
11:49
Speaker 1: When you hold all these really intense emotions, you stop
11:53
Speaker 1: yourself from moving on, and you might think, oh, but
11:56
Speaker 1: I'm not in love with them anymore. That was so
11:57
Speaker 1: horrible to me. There's a difference between in getting over
12:01
Speaker 1: somebody as far as being in love with them in
12:04
Speaker 1: a loving sense and moving on. You could be over
12:07
Speaker 1: someone in the sense if you don't want to be
12:08
Speaker 1: with them anymore, but you have not moved on emotionally
12:12
Speaker 1: from them in the sense that you're harboring so many
12:15
Speaker 1: emotions towards this person of like hatred or whatever, that
12:19
Speaker 1: you struggle to approach other situations and relationships in a
12:23
Speaker 1: healthy way in your life. Okay, So when you fail
12:27
Speaker 1: to leave something in the past and close that door
12:29
Speaker 1: and start a new chapter without realizing it, you actually
12:32
Speaker 1: are bringing in those old feelings and patterns of resentment
12:36
Speaker 1: and insecurities into your future relationship. So you don't have
12:39
Speaker 1: to turn around now and love your ex and think, oh,
12:42
Speaker 1: you know, I wish you all the best you were,
12:44
Speaker 1: even though you fucking were a fuck an asshole and
12:46
Speaker 1: cheated on me. I am going to love you now,
12:49
Speaker 1: not at all. You can still acknowledge that that person
12:52
Speaker 1: is not a good person, or that that person was
12:54
Speaker 1: awful to you, but you can acknowledge that the benefit
12:59
Speaker 1: of this is that they are no longer in your life,
13:01
Speaker 1: and that's what you're going to focus on. You know,
13:03
Speaker 1: it's okay, and it's even healthy to not want anything
13:06
Speaker 1: to do with a person because they just are not
13:08
Speaker 1: a good person, or because you were just so not
13:11
Speaker 1: right for each other and there was zero alignment. But
13:14
Speaker 1: that can be done in a peaceful way. You have
13:16
Speaker 1: to learn how to detach yourself from that person. Emotionally.
13:20
Speaker 1: You can still be aware of what went down and
13:22
Speaker 1: what they did, but when you think about it, it's
13:26
Speaker 1: not loaded with all these emotions, these intense emotions, but
13:30
Speaker 1: instead a sense of either relief or maybe gratitude that
13:33
Speaker 1: they're just not in your life anymore causing you that
13:36
Speaker 1: pain anymore. Okay, instead of being furious about your ex
13:41
Speaker 1: having done these horrible things to you, Instead you can
13:44
Speaker 1: acknowledge that they're not a good person. And when someone's
13:47
Speaker 1: not a good person. You expect subpar behavior from someone
13:51
Speaker 1: that's not a good person. So you can think, I'm
13:53
Speaker 1: not surprised, and why did I expect anything more? Because
13:56
Speaker 1: I can acknowledge that they're a horrible person. Instead of
13:59
Speaker 1: being so surprise that they did something so awful, just
14:02
Speaker 1: acknowledge that they're just not a good person. That's why
14:04
Speaker 1: they did it. Okay, if you are surprised that they
14:08
Speaker 1: did something so awful, it means that you hold their character,
14:11
Speaker 1: you hold them in a high esteem. It means you
14:13
Speaker 1: think that they're better than that, and they stoop so
14:16
Speaker 1: low and did something awful to you. You need to
14:17
Speaker 1: reframe how high you hold them in your in your mind. Okay,
14:23
Speaker 1: if someone does something absolutely awful to you, just remind
14:26
Speaker 1: yourself that that is their character. Otherwise they wouldn't have
14:29
Speaker 1: done it. Don't be here making excuses for your ex
14:33
Speaker 1: of why they did all these awful things to you
14:35
Speaker 1: or spoke to you that way on so many occasions,
14:37
Speaker 1: and you know, had all these toxic behaviors. Don't make
14:39
Speaker 1: all these excuses saying, oh no, but it's really not
14:41
Speaker 1: in their character. They just were this. They just were that.
14:44
Speaker 1: If they did it especially more than once it is
14:47
Speaker 1: in their character. Once you can understand that something is
14:51
Speaker 1: in someone's character, then it's less of a shock. You
14:54
Speaker 1: just have to come to terms with you thought there
14:56
Speaker 1: was someone else than what they actually were, Okay, And
14:59
Speaker 1: when you come to that conclusion, it's a lot easier
15:02
Speaker 1: to not harbor so much resentment and hatred and anger.
15:06
Speaker 1: You more think, well, I obviously a read them wrong
15:10
Speaker 1: and thought they were someone better than what they were,
15:13
Speaker 1: and b I'm actually now thrilled that I don't have
15:17
Speaker 1: to deal with that anymore now. The same thing goes
15:19
Speaker 1: for wanting revenge with an X. If you're wanting revenge,
15:24
Speaker 1: that means that they still have you in their grasp.
15:27
Speaker 1: You are trapped in their fucking hold or whatever. And
15:31
Speaker 1: you might not want to admit that because it might
15:32
Speaker 1: not feel that way, because you might think, oh, no, fuck, no,
15:34
Speaker 1: they're fucks, they're fucked. But you know, I just want
15:36
Speaker 1: them to suffer because I suffered. I want them to suffer.
15:39
Speaker 1: You know the thing is that here you are festering,
15:42
Speaker 1: plotting how you're gonna hurt them as much as they
15:45
Speaker 1: hurt you, and they're just over there prancing around through life,
15:49
Speaker 1: oblivious most of the time oblivious to the damage that
15:51
Speaker 1: they caused you. Okay, so you're wasting your time. You're
15:55
Speaker 1: wasting your time plotting revenge, and it's keeping you in
15:59
Speaker 1: a state where they are, where they are consuming too
16:02
Speaker 1: much of your emotional space in a day. Okay, So
16:05
Speaker 1: if you are harboring these thoughts of revenge, you need
16:08
Speaker 1: to admit to yourself that they still have a hold
16:12
Speaker 1: on you. When you can get rid of these feelings
16:15
Speaker 1: of revenge and think you know all the best or whatever, like,
16:19
Speaker 1: I hope you get what you deserve and ah, bon voyage,
16:22
Speaker 1: thanks for the lessons, goodbye. If you can get to
16:25
Speaker 1: that place, then you're going to feel like a big
16:27
Speaker 1: weight lift off your shoulders because you're not carrying all
16:30
Speaker 1: this emotional baggage along with you that they caused. But
16:33
Speaker 1: now you're lugging it with you. Okay, think you cause this,
16:37
Speaker 1: So I'm going to leave it instead of take it
16:39
Speaker 1: with me and suffer for longer than I need to suffer.
16:42
Speaker 1: Number four, Stop thinking that they feel the same way
16:45
Speaker 1: that you do, because they don't. Okay, So if a
16:48
Speaker 1: breakup has happened, it's because there is a misalignment with feelings.
16:52
Speaker 1: One of the two of you or both feels that
16:55
Speaker 1: this isn't right. So for you to think that they
16:58
Speaker 1: are suffering as much as much as you are is wrong.
17:03
Speaker 1: It's a mistake to you to think that your ex
17:06
Speaker 1: is missing you as much as you miss them. No,
17:09
Speaker 1: it's wrong and it sucks, and it's harsh to say
17:13
Speaker 1: that to yourself. You know, we had all these years together.
17:16
Speaker 1: They've broken up with me. I'm sure they're sitting there
17:18
Speaker 1: missing me. Yeah, maybe to an extent, for sure, some
17:20
Speaker 1: people are, but in general, nowhere near as much as you.
17:23
Speaker 1: And it's harsh, but it's something that you have to
17:26
Speaker 1: remind yourself of. So you realize that moving on is
17:30
Speaker 1: the only solution. If you tell yourself the lie that
17:34
Speaker 1: they're pining over you and that they made a mistake
17:36
Speaker 1: and that you know they might come back, and that
17:39
Speaker 1: they look like they're suffering, and that they've watched my
17:41
Speaker 1: story so they must be thinking of me. You are
17:43
Speaker 1: holding yourself in this limbo, this purgatory where you're kind
17:47
Speaker 1: of in between heaven and hell, and you're like, I
17:50
Speaker 1: don't I'm trying to soothe myself knowing that they might
17:53
Speaker 1: come back. But at the same time, I'm not actually
17:55
Speaker 1: healing at all, and I'm keeping myself in this place
17:58
Speaker 1: where nothing is achieved. Literally nothing is achieved. But I've
18:02
Speaker 1: just pretty much slowed down time and I'm just hovering
18:05
Speaker 1: here while everything else is moving around me. Since since
18:16
Speaker 1: number five, number five, remind yourself, not today, Satan, not today. Okay,
18:22
Speaker 1: when an X reaches out to you ninety nine percent
18:26
Speaker 1: of the time with ninety nine percent of people, they're
18:29
Speaker 1: doing it for selfish reasons. Okay, let's take let's fucking
18:32
Speaker 1: obviously remove the scenario if you have children with your
18:36
Speaker 1: ex and you actually need to contact each other, or
18:39
Speaker 1: you're going through the selling of assets. Okay, I'm talking
18:42
Speaker 1: about for no fucking good reason. If your X reaches
18:45
Speaker 1: out to you, they are doing it for selfish reasons. Okay,
18:49
Speaker 1: do not fall for the bait. And the selfish reason
18:52
Speaker 1: is they want to soothe their own guilt. That's what
18:56
Speaker 1: they want to do. Okay. I think I've told this
18:59
Speaker 1: story before, but I really have literally like one hundred
19:01
Speaker 1: and fifty episodes up there, so a lot of people
19:03
Speaker 1: may or may not have heard this story. If you've
19:05
Speaker 1: heard it, just flick over a couple of like fifteen
19:07
Speaker 1: second blocks. But when I had gone through probably like
19:11
Speaker 1: my hardest breakup, I was like so in love, went
19:13
Speaker 1: through this breakup, and like about a month in from
19:16
Speaker 1: the breakup, after no contact whatsoever, I receive an email,
19:23
Speaker 1: a fucking email. Like I wasn't struggling enough. I was
19:27
Speaker 1: contacted by the coldest medium possible, an email, And in
19:31
Speaker 1: it he proceeds to donate to me flights to Bali, okay,
19:36
Speaker 1: which he owned. He booked those flights, and he paid
19:39
Speaker 1: for the flights when we were together, because we were
19:42
Speaker 1: going to go to Bali together, and he booked the
19:44
Speaker 1: months in advance, right, But this was something that he
19:47
Speaker 1: had bought, and he was shouting my flights okay. He
19:50
Speaker 1: then had this brilliant idea that he should gift them
19:54
Speaker 1: to me. And here I am thinking, why would you
19:58
Speaker 1: do that? Like, can't. I'm not fucking going to Bali?
20:01
Speaker 1: You fuck with I just moved to a new city
20:03
Speaker 1: with barely a dollar to my name. I'm not mentally
20:06
Speaker 1: stable at this point in time. I am not going
20:09
Speaker 1: alone to a destination we planned on going together. That's
20:12
Speaker 1: the last thing I want to do right now. He
20:14
Speaker 1: did this for selfish purposes. He was hurting out of guilt.
20:20
Speaker 1: He didn't want to be with me, but he felt
20:23
Speaker 1: really bad that he had caused me pain. So to
20:25
Speaker 1: soothe his pain, to make himself look nicer in my eyes,
20:31
Speaker 1: he extends the olive branch and does this gesture. It
20:34
Speaker 1: would have been a lot nicer if he had just
20:38
Speaker 1: never messaged me again. But to message out of the
20:40
Speaker 1: blue and have the excitement of like with that his
20:42
Speaker 1: emailed me, But what is he wanting to say? Oh,
20:45
Speaker 1: he's gifted me, like fuck off? Kunt and I experienced
20:51
Speaker 1: the biggest rollercoaster of emotions. I'm sure a lot of
20:53
Speaker 1: you guys have where your ex obviously is just trying
20:56
Speaker 1: to check on you. They're trying to be the hero
20:58
Speaker 1: in the moment, even though they're the last person and
21:00
Speaker 1: you want to speak to unless they're coming back to
21:01
Speaker 1: you saying I want you back. That the last person
21:04
Speaker 1: you want to hear from. But they need to do
21:05
Speaker 1: it for themselves, for their ego, for their image, right,
21:10
Speaker 1: And a lot of people and I did it initially
21:13
Speaker 1: they take it as like a glimmer of hope. When
21:16
Speaker 1: I saw the email, I'm like, oh, so I went
21:18
Speaker 1: through this roller coast. I went through, oh my god,
21:20
Speaker 1: there's an email from whom? Oh my god, and then
21:22
Speaker 1: I read it and then like a deeper heartbreak after that,
21:24
Speaker 1: because I'm like, this will this? Why? Why did you
21:28
Speaker 1: fucking come into my day today? Why did you need
21:31
Speaker 1: to do that? Right? As if I would give a
21:33
Speaker 1: flying fuck about flights to Bali, that's the last thing
21:37
Speaker 1: I wanted to do. He did it for himself, he
21:40
Speaker 1: didn't do it for me. And I don't think he's
21:41
Speaker 1: a bad person. I think he thought he was doing
21:43
Speaker 1: me a favor. But when an ex gives you that
21:47
Speaker 1: glimmer of hope, just remind yourself that this is a
21:50
Speaker 1: selfish act. Today is not the day and I am
21:54
Speaker 1: not the one. I will not fall for this and
21:56
Speaker 1: I am not holding on to hope, Peace and blessings
22:00
Speaker 1: on fucking voyage. That's what you want to think of
22:03
Speaker 1: next time your ex reaches out or attempts to reach out. Okay,
22:07
Speaker 1: number six. If your behaviors are repetitive while trying to
22:12
Speaker 1: get over a relationship, your feelings will be repetitive too.
22:16
Speaker 1: Are you read doing the same shit daily and expecting
22:19
Speaker 1: yourself to miraculously get over this person? Maybe are you
22:24
Speaker 1: Are you repeating the same questions to yourself. Do you
22:26
Speaker 1: find yourself only talking to the people that are going
22:29
Speaker 1: to tell you what you want to hear instead of
22:31
Speaker 1: the people that are telling you that it's actually over.
22:34
Speaker 1: Do you find yourself attracted to friends who want to
22:37
Speaker 1: go over every detail about what your ex ex's actions were,
22:41
Speaker 1: analyzing their every move like a detective, stalking them on
22:45
Speaker 1: fucking social media, messaging them, and then them saying, well,
22:48
Speaker 1: maybe write these, maybe write that instead of you know,
22:51
Speaker 1: friends that are like, don't do that, I'm taking your
22:54
Speaker 1: phone off you. Let's fucking it's done. You know, they're
22:57
Speaker 1: different kinds of friends in a breakup, and I'm not
23:00
Speaker 1: saying that somemmer right and some are wrong. You kind
23:02
Speaker 1: of need all of them there, but some friends are
23:04
Speaker 1: going to kind of feed into this kind of repetitive
23:06
Speaker 1: patterns that keep you in this like oh my god,
23:09
Speaker 1: you're not really moving on from the first initial pain
23:11
Speaker 1: of the heartbreak. You're still in that position of like,
23:14
Speaker 1: let's analyze everything so we can find some you know,
23:17
Speaker 1: holes in the story, or we can find some way
23:19
Speaker 1: to get revenge or hope that they're going to come
23:21
Speaker 1: back and that's fine if you're absolutely struggling and you're
23:25
Speaker 1: in a really bad state. Whatever's going to lift your
23:27
Speaker 1: mood in the moment, but understand that if you keep
23:31
Speaker 1: doing that repetitively again and again, you might find yourself
23:34
Speaker 1: six months down the track reliving that same shit and
23:37
Speaker 1: continuing those same conversations, and it's not beneficial. So I'm
23:41
Speaker 1: all for you know, there's a hierarchy of emotions, or
23:44
Speaker 1: there's kind of like a ladder of emotions, and if
23:46
Speaker 1: you are feeling absolute despair and hopelessness and you can't
23:51
Speaker 1: even get out of bed, then the next level up
23:53
Speaker 1: from that it is sure, okay, fine, do a bit
23:56
Speaker 1: of stalking to it, anything that's going to lift your
23:57
Speaker 1: mood slightly, but don't stay in that state for too
23:59
Speaker 1: long because that's when it gets super detrimental. Ideally, yeah,
24:03
Speaker 1: you want to jump from run one to rung five
24:05
Speaker 1: or ten, but if you can't, you know, anger is
24:08
Speaker 1: a more empowered feeling than hopelessness. But you don't want
24:12
Speaker 1: to sit in anger for too long, Okay. So that's
24:15
Speaker 1: so I'm saying that in the initial stages of a breakup,
24:18
Speaker 1: I'm not saying don't engage in any of those conversations.
24:20
Speaker 1: We're all human here, We're all human, and we all
24:22
Speaker 1: want to have a bit of these conversations just to
24:24
Speaker 1: kind of like help ourselves fit a little bit better
24:26
Speaker 1: in the moment. But my question to you is that
24:28
Speaker 1: in isolation at the start of a breakup, fine, you
24:31
Speaker 1: fucking do that. We all we've all been there. We've
24:34
Speaker 1: fucking all been there. But my question is do you
24:37
Speaker 1: find yourself repeating this again and again and again, and
24:40
Speaker 1: do you find yourself gravitating towards the friends that are
24:43
Speaker 1: more accepting and encouraging of this behavior versus the friends
24:46
Speaker 1: that are trying to be like, all right, what are
24:47
Speaker 1: we going to do. Let's shake it up, Let's let's
24:49
Speaker 1: go and do this activity. Let's go the ones that
24:51
Speaker 1: are trying to like change how you're feeling in the
24:53
Speaker 1: moment and make you feel better. Okay, pay attention to that,
24:56
Speaker 1: because you need you need those friends that are trying
24:59
Speaker 1: to pull you out of it. They are gold. Then
25:04
Speaker 1: ask yourself what is it that you're seeking day and
25:07
Speaker 1: day out. Are you seeking reassurance that you were right
25:10
Speaker 1: and you keep talking about that to your friends and family,
25:13
Speaker 1: or reassurance that they were the asshole, or that they
25:15
Speaker 1: actually do love you but they ruined it. Just ask yourself,
25:19
Speaker 1: what am I seeking every time I talk about my
25:22
Speaker 1: ex to my friends. Is it just to get something
25:25
Speaker 1: off my chest and I need someone to be a
25:27
Speaker 1: sounding board. Is it reassurance to let me know that
25:29
Speaker 1: I'm not crazy and that you know my feeling's validated.
25:33
Speaker 1: Is it I'm looking for clues and someone's going to
25:36
Speaker 1: help me, let me know that they actually still love
25:38
Speaker 1: What am I seeking? Okay? Because if it's the same
25:41
Speaker 1: shit day in, day out, then you need to change
25:43
Speaker 1: your behaviors or your feelings are not going to change.
25:45
Speaker 1: Number seven. This is only for some people because not
25:48
Speaker 1: everyone does this. But stop focusing on your ex's new
25:53
Speaker 1: partner or the person that you're ex cheated on you
25:55
Speaker 1: with and what they look like. When someone slings shiten
26:00
Speaker 1: their ex's new partner, all I see is a wounded
26:05
Speaker 1: and possibly insecure person. That's all I say. If someone's
26:08
Speaker 1: standing there talking to me being like, she's fucking this,
26:10
Speaker 1: she's trash, she'sh My opinion of that person, who I've
26:13
Speaker 1: never met is pretty non existent. But I do form
26:16
Speaker 1: an idea of where you are, what your headspace is
26:18
Speaker 1: at the time. If you're slinging so much shit on
26:20
Speaker 1: this person. Every time you put someone down by attacking
26:23
Speaker 1: what they look like or what they do for a
26:26
Speaker 1: job or whatever it is, you are saying, I am
26:29
Speaker 1: in competition with this person. And and if you really
26:35
Speaker 1: think that that person is trash, what are you saying
26:38
Speaker 1: about yourself? You're saying, on my ex left me to
26:41
Speaker 1: date that person, and I think they're trash, So basically
26:46
Speaker 1: I am on that level. Is that what you're saying, like,
26:48
Speaker 1: I'm comparable to that. That's not a big compliment to
26:52
Speaker 1: yourself and it's also not an empowering position to be in.
26:55
Speaker 1: So just stop talking about it and stop passing judgment
26:58
Speaker 1: on the new partner. You either have a problem with
27:00
Speaker 1: your ex or you don't, but the new partner, just
27:03
Speaker 1: try your best to just there're none of your business. Okay, unless,
27:08
Speaker 1: of course, you might personally know this new partner, and
27:11
Speaker 1: if you actually have some valid insight into what this
27:16
Speaker 1: person is like, then fine, whatever, go ahead, And if
27:19
Speaker 1: it affects your life that you need to make these statements,
27:21
Speaker 1: go ahead. I'm not asking you to be mother Teresa,
27:23
Speaker 1: but I'm saying if you actually don't know this person.
27:25
Speaker 1: Just refrain for making those comments because all it does
27:28
Speaker 1: is it it solidifies the feeling that you are in
27:31
Speaker 1: competition with this person. Okay, less is more when it
27:35
Speaker 1: comes to talking about your ex's new partner. Don't do it.
27:39
Speaker 1: Don't do it, honestly, just don't. Number eight. Remind yourself,
27:44
Speaker 1: and this is a harsh reminder, but remind yourself that
27:46
Speaker 1: your situation right now is probably not unique. In most cases,
27:51
Speaker 1: what you're going through when you go through a heartbreak
27:53
Speaker 1: is not unique, and it feels like it is because
27:56
Speaker 1: it's unique to you, and what you are experiencing may
28:00
Speaker 1: like something you've never experienced before, but heartbreak, for example,
28:05
Speaker 1: is not, and it's actually While it might feel in
28:08
Speaker 1: the moment like, but I'm the only one that's experienced
28:10
Speaker 1: this can't be a common thing, it actually, long term,
28:13
Speaker 1: is helpful to realize that this happens all the time.
28:17
Speaker 1: And the reason it's helpful is because you can look
28:20
Speaker 1: at examples of people that have suffered the way you're
28:22
Speaker 1: suffering right now and look at how happy they are
28:25
Speaker 1: now and how they've turned it around and how they
28:27
Speaker 1: either found happiness just being single, or how they found
28:31
Speaker 1: a better love, and it ended up being the best
28:33
Speaker 1: thing that ever happened to them having a heartbreak. It
28:35
Speaker 1: is good to remind yourself that you are not unique
28:38
Speaker 1: in this experience, because you are then able to find
28:41
Speaker 1: a plethora of really great examples of how people moved on.
28:45
Speaker 1: They went through what you went through, They didn't go
28:48
Speaker 1: through a mild diversion. You're not feeling this harder than
28:50
Speaker 1: everyone else. You all felt it that hard. You maybe
28:53
Speaker 1: just didn't have insight into how other people felt their heartbreak.
28:56
Speaker 1: But we've all been there, and it's always been fucked
28:58
Speaker 1: for every person that's been through a heartbreak. Reminding yourself
29:01
Speaker 1: of that is helpful, you know. Like I've got a
29:04
Speaker 1: really good friend and she was going through a breakup
29:06
Speaker 1: recently and she kept saying to myself and all the
29:08
Speaker 1: girls in our group, you just don't understand. You don't
29:11
Speaker 1: understand this pain, and we were all like what, We've
29:15
Speaker 1: all been there. We've all dated someone who's treated us
29:18
Speaker 1: like shit. We've all been ghosted, we've all been blindsided
29:22
Speaker 1: and dumped when we thought that everything was going fine. Like,
29:25
Speaker 1: we've all gone through that, and I feel like hearing
29:28
Speaker 1: her say that reminded me of how I felt when
29:30
Speaker 1: I went through my first big heartbreak, where I genuinely
29:33
Speaker 1: was like, God, if people are saying that I'm going
29:35
Speaker 1: to get over it, they mustn't know how I feel.
29:37
Speaker 1: This must be the worst heartbreak that's ever existed. No,
29:40
Speaker 1: it's not. No, it's fucking not. And so many people
29:42
Speaker 1: around me would have felt the same way that I felt. Okay,
29:45
Speaker 1: if you tell yourself that what you're going through is
29:48
Speaker 1: so unique and no one's gone through what you're going through,
29:51
Speaker 1: then it does make yourself feel like this is an
29:54
Speaker 1: insurmountable challenge for you. Right if you can then say,
29:59
Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute, let's bring it back
30:01
Speaker 1: down to earth. While I'm suffering so much, there are
30:03
Speaker 1: many people that I can turn to because they have
30:07
Speaker 1: first hand gone through this, and I can find find
30:09
Speaker 1: a lot of positive things to pull from this, and
30:13
Speaker 1: I can find ways to think positively about my future
30:16
Speaker 1: and how I'm actually going to heal from this instead
30:18
Speaker 1: of thinking I'm fucked. I'm fucked, I'm fucked. No one
30:20
Speaker 1: understands me. I'm alone in this. Okay, that's quite detrimental
30:23
Speaker 1: for your healing process to tell yourself that now last
30:27
Speaker 1: one number nine. Sometimes you have to be the asshole.
30:32
Speaker 1: If you are going through a breakup and you were dumped,
30:36
Speaker 1: you are no longer that person's shoulder to cry on
30:40
Speaker 1: they left you. I know people personally. I know people
30:46
Speaker 1: that have been in situations where they've been dumped and
30:49
Speaker 1: then the person that dumps them is like, I still
30:52
Speaker 1: want to talk to you. I still feel like you're
30:54
Speaker 1: my sounding board. I just you know, I feel like
30:57
Speaker 1: I miss our talks, no no mates, turn around and
31:02
Speaker 1: find a friend or a relative. I am not the person.
31:05
Speaker 1: I am not your sounding board. If someone breaks up
31:08
Speaker 1: with you, they have relinquished all access to you. Any
31:13
Speaker 1: access they get is because you are now allowing it.
31:16
Speaker 1: And I'm all for excess to be friends. But the
31:19
Speaker 1: person that is hurting must allow themselves sufficient time to heal.
31:24
Speaker 1: Otherwise that friendship is one sided and the other person
31:27
Speaker 1: is suffering. Okay, Like I said, very different if you
31:31
Speaker 1: are in a situation where you have separated and you
31:33
Speaker 1: have children. But even then, I still think there should
31:36
Speaker 1: be some boundaries in place until the person that's hurting
31:40
Speaker 1: heels and you just have minimal contact. Make it super civil,
31:44
Speaker 1: you know, for the family's benefit. But you don't have
31:46
Speaker 1: to be there, you know, allowing them to call you
31:49
Speaker 1: and have a meltdown about their feelings. That's not your job.
31:52
Speaker 1: It is not your job to counsel someone through their
31:56
Speaker 1: feelings when they've dumped you. Okay, Now, if you broke
32:01
Speaker 1: up with them, you have to be the asshole. That
32:05
Speaker 1: is the least you can do. Do, not be there
32:09
Speaker 1: trying to mend their broken heart when you broke it.
32:13
Speaker 1: Actions will always speak louder than words, and when someone
32:16
Speaker 1: is hurting, they will take any hint or any clue
32:21
Speaker 1: and misconstrue it to serve a story that works for them.
32:25
Speaker 1: So if you message them saying I hope you're okay.
32:28
Speaker 1: If you need anything, just message me. I'm only a
32:30
Speaker 1: phone call away, they're going to take that as they
32:33
Speaker 1: must have loved me, they thought of me enough to
32:35
Speaker 1: message me. Maybe they're regretting their decision, but maybe they're
32:37
Speaker 1: too embarrassed to say it. Maybe they're doing this to
32:39
Speaker 1: reach out, maybe they just want to see me, etcetera, etcetera, etc.
32:42
Speaker 1: And then this downward spiral of delusion begins. Okay, we've
32:45
Speaker 1: all been there, we've all been on that end. Well,
32:48
Speaker 1: the ex tries to reach out and be friendly and
32:50
Speaker 1: you're like, oh hope, no. So if you're the one
32:53
Speaker 1: that's broken up with someone, do them a fucking favor
32:56
Speaker 1: and be the asshole. And when I mean be the asshole,
32:58
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about being mean. I'm saying saying you've
33:00
Speaker 1: got to be cutthroat. You have to be the one
33:03
Speaker 1: that looks like you have no soul, you have no
33:07
Speaker 1: heart because you're heartless, and you just that's what it's
33:09
Speaker 1: got to appear to be. It sounds awful, but that's
33:11
Speaker 1: the only way that they're going to truly understand that
33:14
Speaker 1: it's absolutely over. You could be saying all the shit
33:17
Speaker 1: you want, but then if you're reaching out and calling
33:19
Speaker 1: and texting, you're sending the wrong message. Okay, And if
33:24
Speaker 1: you want a friendship, you have to wait. You have
33:27
Speaker 1: to wait. You have to give the space that is needed.
33:30
Speaker 1: And then if you dumped them, then it's really up
33:33
Speaker 1: to them if they want a friend It's not up
33:34
Speaker 1: to you. It's up to them if they then want
33:36
Speaker 1: a friendship later. Okay, guys, those are my nine points
33:39
Speaker 1: as today's breakup manual. As far as Today's breakup manual
33:43
Speaker 1: is concerned, if you want more breakup hacks, I've got
33:46
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of them scattered throughout the last one
33:49
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty EP's one hundred and fifty something episodes,
33:52
Speaker 1: so go definitely check them out and go listen to
33:55
Speaker 1: the ones that you know applied to you. I've even
33:57
Speaker 1: got specific episodes on, you know, breaking up with someone
34:01
Speaker 1: who's actually toxic, Okay, like specifically toxic people. That is
34:05
Speaker 1: all for today. Love you guys so much. Hello to
34:07
Speaker 1: all my new listeners, of course welcome. If you haven't already,
34:11
Speaker 1: please jump onto the Facebook group and just join in
34:15
Speaker 1: the chats and conversation I've had. I love I had
34:18
Speaker 1: a few episodes ago. I did a thirty day challenge
34:21
Speaker 1: that you can do. It's just like four tasks to
34:23
Speaker 1: do every day for thirty days, and there's so many
34:24
Speaker 1: people that jumped on there and they're like, I'm doing this,
34:26
Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing. People were sharing playlists. It
34:29
Speaker 1: was fucking amazing and that's what the group was created for.
34:32
Speaker 1: So thank you so much for everyone kind of engaging
34:34
Speaker 1: in that and sharing all your ideas and being each
34:36
Speaker 1: other's support through you know, making changes in your life
34:39
Speaker 1: for the better. So If you, guys aren't yet a
34:42
Speaker 1: member of the group, it is do your fucking mind
34:45
Speaker 1: with Alexis Fernandez. You just request to join and then
34:47
Speaker 1: myself and the group admints just go in and you know,
34:50
Speaker 1: add everyone to the group. Guys, thank you so much
34:52
Speaker 1: for listening. Keep sharing the episodes, keep sharing it with
34:56
Speaker 1: your friends and family and those who you think need it.
34:58
Speaker 1: Share this episode with one who you think is in
35:01
Speaker 1: desperate need of tools to help them move on from
35:04
Speaker 1: a heartbreak, and as always, love you guys so much.
35:07
Speaker 1: As always, remember becond to yourself, be kind to your brain,
35:09
Speaker 1: don't text shit from anyone, and especially don't text shit
35:12
Speaker 1: from yourself. Dun'ker