Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 304. The Signs You Are In A "One Sided" Marriage... And What You Can Do About It

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304. The Signs You Are In A "One Sided" Marriage... And What You Can Do About It · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not going to say that I shouldn't have said that.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, welcome to the podcast.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: They are a part of me.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Where I go.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: they go Podcast studio or not, they just follow.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I will vouch for that.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: That is true.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: So today's podcast episode is the signs you were in a one-sided marriage and what you can do about it.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: We haven't ever done a podcast on this.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Amazingly, we're in over 300 episodes and I don't believe we've done something on this.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Really we do talk about it, but we do talk about it specifically.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: But I I think what's important to know about this is, I guess, what does it mean to be in a one-sided marriage in your?
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: opinion.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: It feels like you're doing everything.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: It feels like you're putting in the intention, you're putting in the effort, you're probably taking on most.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I mean it could look it's it's going to look different in every area of intimacy, right.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: But if it's just like housework or it can be more like keeping the relationship alive, like it's just going to feel one-sided, probably in different areas, right it kind of encompasses a pretty big spectrum yeah, for sure, and I think we we do get a lot of people that reach out to us to say I feel like I'm putting forth all the effort and energy in the relationship and I feel like my spouse isn't reciprocating, and this is, I think, pretty common.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: But the good news about this is I think a lot of times it's done unintentionally.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Times is done intentionally and those times are maybe the spouse has been hurt, they have ill feelings, they don't trust their spouse, they you know it could be a bunch of reasons right and so they withdraw intentionally.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: But I think a lot of times it's done unintentionally and, for example, if a spouse is really stressed out with work, they've got a lot of things on their mind, maybe they're dealing with, you know, a health issue or something in the family.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: So I think there's a lot of times where it is done unintentionally.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: And I know for Amy and I in our marriage I can definitely say that for a while in our marriage it was very one-sided.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: I was so consumed and focused on something else that I totally neglected our marriage in a lot of ways, and I didn't do that intentionally, that was done unintentionally but it still, you know, produced the same thing.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Agreed.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: You're speechless.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: That's all you got to say.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Well, I think it's awesome when a spouse or spouses can look at your marriage and think, yeah, I am being that person, like it takes humility to step back and say I'm, I'm that person and I am not putting in the equal effort, and and that's kind of where marriage changes is when we can like look at our marriage and be like is is this feeling one-sided to my spouse and what can I do to fix that?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Because if you really want strong emotional intimacy and amazing sexual intimacy, you have to be able to look at that and think how do I step it up?
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Whatever area that looks like right?
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm glad you brought it up whatever area that looks like, because it can be different in every areas.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: Right, like you could have a great relationship, um, you know, spiritually, but then you're emotional, you could be neglecting your relationship emotionally or various things.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna point out.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I think most people listening to this podcast right now, this episode, are probably if.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: If you're thinking, okay, how is my relationship kind of one-sided, or when have I felt like that in my marriage?
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: I bet the majority of women will say I feel like I do the share of parenting and housework not always, but I would say most women listening would say that's where I feel like our marriage is one-sided.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: And I would say the men would say I feel like the marriage is one-sided when it comes to intimacy and keeping the passion alive, because I think for the majority, not always the women kind of leave that up to the man to be the pursuers of that where sometimes, sometimes keyword, sometimes husbands aren't as good as noticing what needs to be done or how much the wife is really doing.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: And, like I said this, this I'm not talking about everyone, yeah, but I think the majority of people listening is probably like yeah, I feel like the romance and affection and the physical, sexual aspect of our marriage is totally one-sided and we're guilty of that and maybe it's just because this is what we've struggled with in our marriage and continue to probably always kind of feel like.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: But I think that's more natural.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: But this could look different ways.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: And those aren't just the two areas, obviously where you can feel one-sided, but those are probably some of the biggest areas, do you agree?
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: yeah, it could be financially right, like one spouse is just feeling like they have all the pressure and dealing with everything and the other spouse doesn't seem to care or care about spending or saving or what have you.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: And yeah, the point we're trying to make is it can be one-sided in in a general area, with your whole marriage and all aspects, or it can be one-sided in, I guess, segments, different areas of your marriage and other areas can be great and other areas can be kind of struggling.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: So that's kind of what we're trying to get at.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: And uh, you know, like I said, we've been there, we've experienced this firsthand and it sucks.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: So and and it's something I think that happens often.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: I mean it's not something you just fix and it sucks.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: So and and it's something I think that happens often.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I mean it's not something you just fix and it never happens again.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Like I think working on being a joint team like it's a lifelong thing in marriage.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I think things are always going to feel one-sided one way or another, but that's what marriage is is like one person being awesome at something and the other person being awesome at something and then trying to communicate about and find that balance right yeah because both spouses the husband is probably better at one thing and the wife is probably better one one thing, and that's it doesn't need to feel one-sided, it needs to be okay how, how we do we become unified and united together and like kind of try to bring that back so it doesn't feel like that and it really can be fixed with communication and we'll get into that yeah, yeah, just let me know when you want me to jump into the surveys.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: So let's, yeah, let's jump into the surveys now, and then we'll kind of talk about, like what are the signs, you know, what can you look for to know if you're struggling in, in, or maybe having a one-sided marriage in certain areas, and we wanted to know, like we like to know, if you guys are struggling with things, if you feel like this, what it looks like.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: We, we, we want to know.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: So we decided to take a survey for this podcast episode.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: So the first thing I asked was does your marriage ever feel one-sided?
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: 49 said yes, 49 that's almost half yeah right on.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: We had hundreds and hundreds.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Take the survey 39% said sometimes and 12% said never.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: That's great, that's amazing.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: That's a low 12% Really, and sometimes is pretty average, like 40% was sometimes, I think and again I would think most people would say sometimes, but the fact that they said yes, direct yes, I feel like it's one side was almost half yeah, yeah, exactly, and sometimes that's going to be totally normal, right like you.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Just there's going to be right there could be different times throughout the day.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Like you know, the husband comes home and watches football and whatever, and the wife's doing everything.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: She can feel like that right.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, easy and then vice versa.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: So, um, no, those are great so, just before we jump into this, it's normal to feel like that, uh, if you saw um, 88 percent were yes, or sometimes, like that's normal.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: So if you feel like that, that's normal.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: We feel like that in our marriage all the time and I think I think this podcast is not for the sometimes.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: I think this podcast is more for the 49, 50 percent that say yeah, I feel like my marriage is a one-sided marriage because, again, you're gonna have times throughout the day or week or whatever where you're always gonna maybe feel like but I think sometimes can jump into that.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I felt like I felt like it was fine today and now I feel like it's more one-sided again, like it can go back and forth right.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but again, those are just going to kind of be natural sometimes based upon what's going on.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I agree.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: So we asked.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: We asked um, what things make you feel one-sided in your marriage and does this affect intimacy?
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: So I going to read a few of these.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: I got lots, lots of answers, but um, one comment some of these I don't know if it's husband or wife, but I do most of the housework and the yard work and there's no sexual intimacy.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Um, I am an acts of service gal.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: It's hard when hubby does not see the chores the way I see them heard that a lot yep, um, feels like my husband is checked out.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: Um, my husband controls the money, therefore he controls everything.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: Um, that's not okay.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I guess we'll talk about that.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: Uh, work schedule.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: My wife wants less sex, or no sex, than I do.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Always takes the.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: I always take the initiative to have sex and she doesn't, so that like we said there's one sided with that.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: I think a lot, of, a lot of husbands struggle with feeling like that oh, absolutely I feel like I'm the one who cares about having date nights or planning trips or fun things.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: So this would be more recreational intimacy, probably dates kind of things.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: I do the research and put in the effort of trying to improve our marriage.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: That can absolutely feel one-sided, I mean.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I hear that from couples all the time.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's a big one, where one couple's like I really want to improve our marriage and the other spouse is like I'm okay where we're at or I don't really care, I don't want to put forth any more effort they're just totally complacent and fine with it.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I am the only one who initiates.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: My wife does not want me to touch her.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Um inconsistent affection for my wife.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: I'm always the pursuer.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: One is more into sexual intimacy than the other.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: She's not interested.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: So you hear a lot of men a lot of one-sided my, my wife feels like she gets to call the shots.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: She is always wanting to fix or deal with other people's problems, but has no time for us that's a good one.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Um, putting the work from couples therapy but not getting anything in return, that that's hard.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: That's hard when one person is really trying.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're going to a therapist, you're really trying to turn things around and your spouse is like, eh, don't care, that's, that's rough that is doing what I can for my wife to help her out, but when I do it all and I still get rejected we hear that a lot I feel like I'm the only one opening up, the only one trying to fix any of our intimacy issues.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Um, I'm the only one opening up, the only one trying to fix any of our intimacy issues.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I'm the only one initiating listening to podcasts to try and help the situation.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Not reciprocating enough Vastly different desires or drive for physical intimacy.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: It's interesting.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: It's interesting on the podcast one, because we get a lot of spouses contact us and say, hey, I your podcast all the time.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: How can I introduce it to my wife, right, or my husband and, and it's interesting, I would.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: I would think a lot of spouses would listen to together, but I guess you know they aren't.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: But they also are concerned like how do I introduce this to my spouse without you know, offending them or because this is really helping me and I want it to help us yeah, exactly not me, us.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: It takes both of you and that's why amy and I do all the podcasts together is we want to offer a husband point of view and a wife point of view, I mean and and when we do surveys, it's because we want all of your point of views no one wants to hear me on a podcast just talking about sex, or I mean no.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: That's why we offer different perspectives and both point of views okay, I'm gonna finish just a couple more.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: Feels like I put in all the thought and planning for date time.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: We heard that one again.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: My wife is usually mentally, emotionally and physically drained, homeschooling four kids.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I think that came from the husband, so at least he's realizing that.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: So that's good to notice that and realize how hard that is.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Let's see, I make my own well-being last priority.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Hers is first.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: It's just now I'm realizing I have no hobbies or interest of my own anymore.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: So now she feels bad, which makes it worse.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I don't really want to spend time on that because we've talked about it in previous podcasts, but I think that's where hobbies and interest and having self-care is so important for both people, because when we neglect ourselves it trickles on into the marriage right, and then wife puts almost zero intentionality effort into the romantic part of our relationship.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop there I'm surprised I didn't hear from more women on like household stuff and I don't know a lot of husbands wanted to take that survey so a lot to do with sex I do hear a lot from a lot of women in DMs and emails that the household maintenance and stuff feels one-sided a lot and I think men and husbands are starting to do a better job of stepping it up in those areas.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: But I think that takes some serious communication Agreed.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: Anyways, those are just some of the answers we got that kind of show.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is what it looks like, to kind of feel one-sided and a lot of people are feeling that way.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, totally agree.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: Um, before we jump into the signs, cause I think the signs are very telling and and, uh, you know, we want to share, uh, our, our sponsor for this podcast.
• 14:38
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• 14:42
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• 14:56
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• 14:57
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• 15:07
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• 15:35
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• 15:40
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• 16:08
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• 16:47
  Speaker 1: so all right, jumping back in so the signs.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: So here are the signs that you feel like you're, if you feel like you're in a one-sided marriage, and I think the very first thing is you feel like more of an obligation to your spouse, right?
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Or you feel like an obligation, like if I wanted to go out and spend time with Amy, I'd be like, oh really, we got to spend time together.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: We always can't, can I be by myself.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: So, like, obviously, feeling like an obligation, that's a huge sign that you're probably dealing with a one-sided marriage or something in your marriage and it could be an obligation in any aspect, right?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: no one wants to feel like doing something with your spouse.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: That is an obligation okay, it's just like you heard all the men talk about sexual intimacy, right?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: the women feel like, or treating it like it's an obligation absolutely right, absolutely.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: And that's why you're gonna feel like it's an obligation, absolutely, right, absolutely, and that's why you're going to feel like it's one-sided, absolutely.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm just.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not laughing, it's not funny, it's very, very sad, but I'm just.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: We've all felt like it, we've all been there.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: If you're not there, or you've been there or you're going to be there, like there's just so many different areas that can feel one-sided in marriage.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: It's just common.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: It's just common yeah, and I think, to be clear, it's just like you feel like it's something you have to do, or that your spouse has to do, rather than something you want to do, right, right right so like I right, and that was a good example about sexual intimacy.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Because, yes, like we say all the time and I am so guilty of this, but if your wife doesn't have a high libido or much of a drive, it it's probably feeling more of an obligation to her and that and that's hard and it's hard for her as much as it's hard for you.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Like, maybe not, you're not gonna agree with that, but the women that want to have that, that's hard for them when they're like I just don't know, like I don't know why I'm feeling that way.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: So communication and just trying to find that balance and things we're not saying that like you're gonna find this balance by communicating about it.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Like if there's some things that are gonna feel one-sided in the marriage, and as long as you're putting effort into that, so it doesn't feel as much like an obligation, that's okay.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Like that doesn't mean you're not healthy just because something feels a little one-sided, like there's always going to be things that feel a little one-sided, yeah, but they're going to feel that way to the other spouse in different areas, and that's where we balance each other out.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Is not letting us affect us negatively exactly did I say that right, I think, because I just feel like it's natural and we shouldn't like oh, it's not okay to feel like this, you got to fix it.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes it's not fixable, like I don't know that I'll ever have a high as drive as nick, he's probably always going to feel like it's a little more one-sided in that area.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: But you all, you all say it's about intention, right, like, and that that's the thing is like.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: If a wife just initiates once in a while, then it eliminates the feeling of a one-sided marriage or a once one side less, less one-sided, yeah.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: Less one-sided, yes yes and same with, like household duties or chores.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Just throwing that out as an example, like when a husband just even once in a while just really steps it up and just really is awesome for a minute.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: There it doesn't feel so one-sided and that's what keeps you positive, right?
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: so yep, exactly okay, next sign um, the next one is obviously we talked about this a little bit is you feel like you're the only one putting forth the efforts?
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And we hear that all the time, right, constantly, just heard that you guys know what that feels like.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: Right, right, um, you can't count on them.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: I think this is a big one.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: If you feel like you're in a one-sided marriage, you're the spouse that pretty much doesn't care, is not gonna put forth much effort.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: They're probably not gonna be really reliable.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: Hey, I'll be home at this time, or whatever.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: That is right, or.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: I hope that you can count on your spouse, but if you're feeling one-sided in the two areas that we're talking about, um, I would say this is the one where if, if you really are feeling like you cannot count on your spouse, you're probably to a point where you probably need to like to go visit with a marriage professional.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: If you need a really good one, we have a great one we can recommend.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: We only recommend him because we literally know he's amazing.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: We watch him we watch him save marriages, but if you can't count on your spouse and you're at that point where the trust is gone because it feels so one-sided, I think it's time problem it's a big problem yeah, for sure.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: I love the next one.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: Um.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: Your spouse says it's me, not you.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: I think of the seinfeld episode.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: It's not you, it's me how does that relate to this?
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: So I'm trying to wrap my mind around it.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Nick's throwing me.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: I think the spouse makes excuses and is like okay, it's, it's me, it doesn't have anything to do with you.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Um, that's a way to distance wait, put that in a situation because I'm confused by this one.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: When it comes to one spouse feeling like sexual intimacy is one-sided, how does that one work when, say, because I'm thinking most- men when it intimacy is one-sided, how does that one work?
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say that, cause I'm thinking most men, when it comes to one-sided sexual intimacy, like no, it's absolutely you yeah.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: They're not going to take that blame Right.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: You're saying it's me, not you.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: I'm like most husbands, are not going to say it's me.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Not you, it's going to be.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: That's where the wife would say it's not you, it's me, and basically say I just don't want it or I'm not feeling up to it or whatever Basically showing that they're putting on them, but they're also showing that they really don't care.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: I know that one's a little bit confusing.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I'm confused by that one.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I think the audience knows what we're talking about.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: They don't seem to care about issues in the relationship.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: You're back again.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: You're back to that.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: You can't count on them.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: I'm checked out.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: That's a deep problem to have is when one person is checked out.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, I just have to throw something in here.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: We are launching a new app really soon.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: We haven't told anyone yet this.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: I think this is the first time we mentioned it, right, have we?
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: you haven't told anyone yet.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: You just told, I just told everyone I just told our entire audience, but I'm trying to get them excited because I have a feature in it that I think is really going to help with some stuff.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Is that okay to say absolutely?
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: I just said it, so hopefully it was okay I'm so excited about this new feature.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: I think it's going to help couples communicate about some of the things that we're talking about.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to give it away, I'm not giving answers right now, but we are creating a tool that should be awesome to help with this entire episode.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so look.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: On both sides too, so look for that here pretty soon In the next couple weeks hopefully.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: We for that uh hair pretty soon, next couple weeks.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Hopefully we're not gonna give a date because it keeps getting pushed back.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: But hopefully we're getting close, we're getting close.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: We keep adding stuff to it.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: We're getting close, that's right.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: Okay, next one um you.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: You justify their behavior you justify their behavior?
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: can you explain that one to me?
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: yeah, like, uh, you, you are justifying their behavior as to why, like, if your wife doesn't want sexual intimacy and you feel like it's really one-sided, you justify why they feel that way do men justify that?
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: I don't know, maybe some do, I would think they would be like I'm not justifying your behavior.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Step it up well I don't think women justify their behavior when it comes to like household and parenting and stuff they're gonna be like get off your butt yeah, probably, probably, yeah, I don't, I don't know, okay, maybe in this situation, if you justify, like if a wife was to justify his not help or maybe feeling one-sided around the home, it's because she's like dang, he has a really stressful and hard labor, intensive, whatever kind of job and he's gone all day.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: And this is my role in the evenings, maybe my job, maybe you're a stay-at-home mom I think it's saying you justify, if you're the, if you're the spouse that is one-sided, you're justifying your behavior.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: So, for example, if the wife doesn't want to make love, she's going to justify her behavior and just say, well, I don't feel good, or I have a headache, or I have.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: She's justifying Correct, not you Correct, she Correct, yeah, okay, yeah.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I think it needs to say you're justifying your own behavior.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, not your spouse's behavior yeah, exactly.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Well, it's not Sorry, I got a little confusing, but yeah, exactly.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: Nick likes to prepare these podcasts and then throw them at me and I'm like I don't know what you're saying right there.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: So we're trying to explain it to each other at the same time.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: On the podcast no.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: No, I just think that sometimes it's okay to justify their behavior too.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I think that's what I mean, that's what we're trying to say, right, like there are things where when you learn the spouses what they're going through, how they're feeling, this comes down to communication.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: When I know how stressful your job was all day, I'm willing to take on more at home.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Or when I know how exhausted or your mental load or that you're really stressed out about something, I understand now why maybe you don't want to be intimate tonight and we can push it to another night.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: When I just I'm trying to bring this in, like when you communicate about what each other is going through and really showing that like feeling of I want emotional connection, I want to understand you, I want to feel what you're going through.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: That is what can help you justify why things are feeling off.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Did that help?
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: Um love, the next one.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: If you're in a one-sided relationship, um one-sided marriage, you're going to feel like they never return the favors.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: You're going to feel like, again, you're the one always doing everything, you're trying to, trying to make things right.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: You're maybe walking on eggshells a little bit and you don't see the favors getting returned at all you don't love that one.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: You hate that one, right I don't love that one yeah you said I love this one.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: No, I think it's an important one.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, you love the importance of I'm not doing this one the importance I don't love that I was like you love this one, the importance of it.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I I think that's very, very common I do feel like that's very common and I think the next one kind of goes in line with that where they disregard your opinions.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: When you're in a one-sided marriage you're just, it's almost like it doesn't matter, they don't care yeah, that's happened.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: Your opinions don't matter, that's happened to us absolutely yep 100.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: That hurts.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: That hurts when your opinions don't matter and that's going to make a lot of areas feel very one-sided.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: This, this one, kind of tops all the different areas we're talking about.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: When you feel like your opinion doesn't matter at something, it's going to affect every aspect of your relationship.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and that hurts Yep.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: And the next one, I think, is kind of just encompasses a lot of everything is they don't show appreciation when you're in a one-sided marriage.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: They just aren't going to show appreciation and appreciate the things that you're trying to do and the effort that you're putting forth in the marriage.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: Again, it's the attitude of like I don't really care.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: I think this one is common and real and happens easily when you feel like your marriage is one-sided, if you feel like Almost like it's expected.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Why should I have to show appreciation?
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Or I feel like I'm doing everything in this area.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Why should I feel appreciation when you do like this little tiny part, like do you know what I mean?
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: But showing appreciation and I'm not super good at this, but showing even just a little bit of appreciation makes your spouse usually want to step it up even more.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: And when you start being like I'm so thankful it just most spouses like become a different person when they start feeling appreciated.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, no question.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: If that's all you did to your, to each other is showed appreciation and gratitude, and you were both doing that, that would completely change your marriage that that would completely change your marriage.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: And and speaking to the wives, maybe in the like house area or home making area, like if you're the kind of spouse that's scorekeeping and you're like I literally just cleaned the oven and the microwave and the fridge and you want me to like pat you on the back because you literally did some dishes, that right there, your attitude is going to make it even more one-sided because instead of saying you know, I'm so thankful that you just did that, thank you that they're going to want to do more, instead of like you just have to find that little piece of you that's humble, that's just like I'm going to be appreciated, even though I don't feel like it's 100% fair right now yeah, it's never going to be 100%.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: He could have not done the dishes, so at least he did them right it just comes back to communication, like if you're feeling like you're, you're starting to score keep and we're all guilty of it in some way all of us and it could look different.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to be chores, it can be lots of different ways.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: If you're starting to score keep, that's the first ounce of you're you're starting to wreckkeep, that's the first ounce of you're starting to wreck your relationship.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: It's just, it's a piece by piece where that starts happening and you just have to cut that quick and start being like OK, this is why I'm feeling this way.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: This is why it's affecting the intimate life, this is why it's affecting my stress.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about this and let's try to do a better job of dividing it up and have that conversation.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so the part you've all been waiting for.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: You're like get to the freaking point.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: What we want to know is what can?
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: we do Wait.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: There's a bigger point.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: What can we do about it?
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: I thought we were talking about what to do about it each time.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: No, that's what we're getting into.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Well, I've been kind of doing that the whole time, okay.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: No, well, I've been doing that the whole time, okay.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: No, well, which leads us into?
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: Obviously you got to talk about it.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: We already mentioned.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: Talk about it.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Next one set boundaries.
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: I think it's important to establish boundaries like what's acceptable in your relationship, what's not acceptable Absolutely.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: I would say we've done this and set a lot of boundaries in our marriage and I think it's been really good, yeah.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: I thought you were like going to go into them.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: Into what boundaries?
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: we set.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: Well, let's just give an example Like the I don't know if it was a husband or wife that said something.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: Oh, the wife said my husband controls the money, which controls everything.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: That's not okay To me.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: That's like financial abuse in the marriage, like I don't care if it's one person that provides.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I saw hold on, I'll get to my point.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: I saw a meme or a quote the other day that says do you realize that a stay-at-home wife saves you like a hundred and something thousand dollars a year?
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: By the time they've done this, this, this, this, this, this and this.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: It is a job.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: So to me, I just I look at that situation and I'm like, even if you're the one leaving the house to work, the wife is working too.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: So setting boundaries about your finances and making sure you're both part of it is huge in marriage.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: And this, this trickles into all the other areas of marriage too.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: Like you both have to be an equal part in all the different areas.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: It's going to look different to everyone.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: But setting boundaries that like hey, if like with the financial, like hey, if we're going to make a purchase over $200 or $500 or whatever you want to decide on, we both need to talk about it, or you know what I mean?
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what I mean.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: I could throw out tons of examples.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: You're handling this part of the finances and you're handling this.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: Or you know, here's the budget each month here and you're handling this.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: Or here's the budget each month.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: Here's what we can spend.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: Here's what we're saving.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: Just talk about those things and then establish a balance and what you're agreeing to.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: I think the next one's really important too, which is evaluate the future.
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: If your marriage is feeling one-sided, yeah, you're going to sit down and talk about it and say where are we going?
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: Where are we at at, where do we want to be in the future with how our marriage is?
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: Because if you're in a one-sided marriage and you have one spouse that isn't willing to change that's, that's gonna suck right like that's gonna suck so not to make light of that, like anyone that's in that that you know how that feels.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: It's bad, it is, it's bad.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: It is and, and again.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: This is an area where we were and we had to figure out, like, okay, what are we going to change?
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: And this is not working.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: You almost get to a point where you're like this is not working.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: Are we going to fix this?
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: Are we going to fix this?
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Are we going to end this like it?
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: I think every couple either get there or has been there, or they're like something needs to change right now yeah, for sure right, and some of the best marriages out there come at that breaking point when they flip it around and they're like we're going to discuss this, this, this, this, this, this, this, we're going to set boundaries we're going to start doing this.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: We're going to lay it on the table.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: We're starting date date nights.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: We're putting budget into this.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: Obviously, we're both not happy.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Let's fix it now.
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: Let's fix it now.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and sometimes that takes a mediator or a therapist For sure you know, focus on self-care, which is something you kind of hit on already.
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: This sounds it is important to do.
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: Be a little bit selfish and focus on yourself and say, okay, what can I do to, you know, make my life better.
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: And there's a real careful balance on this, though, because some people go the too extreme, which causes the problems which then makes the marriage.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: Feel one-sided when one spouse is completely focused on their self and the other spouse is focused on the marriage.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: Feel one-sided when one spouse is completely focused on their self and the other spouse is focused on the marriage.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: So you have to really find a healthy balance in this.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: But I do think it's healthy to find things and be able to focus a little bit of time on yourself and evaluate your life.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I don't know what the right answer is on this, but if you were just put on the spot, how many hours a week do you think is like a healthy balance for self-care for a spouse that's married with kids?
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: I think it's going to be different for everyone.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: I think I mean but like, if someone's like spending hours a day, that's not healthy.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: If you're spending, you know what I mean yeah, I think I mean if someone's working and commuting and they're spending you 10, 12 hours a day commuting and working, versus if someone works from home and they have a pretty easy job and they have more time and things like that, I think it's going to look different, I mean you know, we know some people that it looks like they're practicing self-care five hours a day.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: right, that's what I'm saying practicing self-care five hours a day.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: Right, that's what I'm saying.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: Like, like I I think for, like, for, for a healthy balance, I would say minimum of like I think a spouse and I could be wrong this is I'm just don't quote me on this like I could be wrong, but to me personally, my opinion, is a couple hours a couple times a week for self-care is not too much to ask for.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, I really don't like if, if a husband's like I'm gonna go play a sport for a couple hours a couple times a week for self-care is not too much to ask for yeah for sure I really don't Like if, if a husband's like I'm going to go play a sport for a couple hours, a couple nights a week, that that's great.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: That's good for his physical and his mental, it's good for his social, that bring, he'll come back to the marriage a better person and same with a wife, especially if, if she is a stay at home wife, she needs to get out of the house.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's social, mental, physical for her too right.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: So, having to find a good balance, but being open about that and being like, yeah, I want you to get out, I want you to get away and take care of yourself, you're going to realize that that's going to make your spouse come back a better person.
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: Well, it's like Amy the other day.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: She comes to me she says, hey, do you mind if I go do this?
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: I'm like you're really asking me Like why you don't need to ask permission to go do this, like just go do it.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: I was being respectful.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: I think there's still respect in that, though.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: Like hey, saying this is what I'm doing, like if I would come to you, hey, I'm doing this, you would have been fine with it.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: But I think I think the way you approach it too is like hey, do you mind?
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: if I go hang out with my friends for a couple hours tonight, I just really it's been a long day, I need to get away and your husband's like, yeah, or your wife, yeah, I really think you should do that.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: That's really I think.
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: I think that'd be good for you instead of kind of being bossy about it.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: Like that that also changes the whole dynamic too.
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, agreed, right, it's all about attitude.
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: Well, and that gave me a hit on as well.
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: You know, if you need to seek professional help, um, we've had Austin, uh, therapists that we just absolutely love and we work with.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: I sent a lot of people to him and they're very happy.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: So yeah, so, yeah.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: So, if you need someone that you feel like can help with this, reach out to us.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: We can provide you his contact information.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: I think he can really help.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're wrapping up.
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that kind of sums up the podcast.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: Lot of women that are like getting their levels and stuff checked, like, especially in your mid-age collagen really drops down with your skin and everything.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: So that is a great, great one to check out if you're a woman.
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: So, once again sponsored by vital health, you can go find their awesome supplements at vital health products usacom amen amen well, we hope you enjoyed the podcast today.
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: Sorry, we're a little uh, I don't want to say all over scattered, a little scattered, but uh, we apologize.
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: But yeah, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time, hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.