Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Connecting with our Older Teens and Young Adults | Ep. 50

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Connecting with our Older Teens and Young Adults | Ep. 50 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: Y'all I have sort of an ethical question.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: uh, I have someone in my family who is, um, top tier on training and leadership and things like that.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: So we were talking about getting things accomplished and mm-hmm mm-hmm and, and good ways of doing that.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: And mm-hmm ideas and we were, it was a good conversation.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: And then.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: One of the things He said, on your todo list to accomplish mm-hmm you can't go back and write something in so you can scratch it off and I said, what, okay, so I'm asking y'all do you do that?
• 1:48
  Christie: I definitely add stuff to my todo list.
• 1:51
  Christie: Just to scratch it off.
• 1:52
  Christie: That's the most sense, like at the end of the day
• 1:53
  Danae: to go back and say, oh, I did this, I did this.
• 1:57
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:57
  Danae: Helps me.
• 1:57
  Danae: I think maybe remember what I've even done,
• 2:00
  Cheryl: right.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: But also the feeling of accomplishment.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: I didn't know I was going to get that done him
• 2:08
  Danae: just me.
• 2:08
  Danae: When you actually get things crossed off your to-do list
• 2:11
  Christie: are we supposed to be finishing those?
• 2:14
  Christie: Well, I have a funny thing.
• 2:15
  Christie: As an Ingram seven, I like things to be fun.
• 2:17
  Christie: And my daughter taught me the word ta da list.
• 2:21
  Christie: Instead of a, a do list that found that sounds so tedious and task driven.
• 2:27
  Christie: So we call it a to list data TA
• 2:30
  Cheryl: Ooh, I like that.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Wouldn't that be fun to have it something on your phone?
• 2:34
  Cheryl: I do.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Do you?
• 2:35
  Christie: Well, it doesn't chime, but that would be, be great when I click it.
• 2:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:38
  Christie: Oh, I get a lot more done.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: So.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: We are the executive council.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: And we have decided that what he said is not true.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:45
  Danae: So, sorry.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: from all our expertise.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: She disagree with it.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Great.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: And we can sit here and see Ellen's not with us.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:54
  Danae: She is still enjoying her vacation
• 2:57
  Cheryl: and I think they get back tonight, but the pictures she sent me sitting on the beach in Florida ah, were just fantastic.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: So happy.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's really good.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: So we'll, we'll have good stories from that.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and another thing we're talking about TAA mm-hmm drum roll trumpets.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: This is our 50th episode.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: That
• 3:18
  Christie: is so hard to believe.
• 3:19
  Christie: Yeah, it really
• 3:20
  Cheryl: is.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm has it been fun?
• 3:22
  Cheryl: It
• 3:22
  Christie: really has.
• 3:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:23
  Christie: Well, I've learned a ton from you that sure.
• 3:25
  Christie: I agree.
• 3:26
  Christie: I
• 3:26
  Cheryl: agree.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: That's it really is.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm um, I really appreciate y'all so much.
• 3:31
  Cheryl: And all the processing we do together mm-hmm has made me a better parent a better person.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: Healthier person.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and also listening to your wisdom and your articulation.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: Helps me figure out what I want to do and who I want to be.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: And I borrow from you all the time.
• 3:48
  Christie: Oh, well, 100%.
• 3:49
  Christie: The other way story of my life, learning from you,
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Cheryl.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: Oh, so boy, are we thankful?
• 3:56
  Cheryl: So it was this month 2018 that one of my daughters said, if you really want to reach Parents, you've gotta do a podcast.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Yeah.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: And so from ground zero, here we are.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: You know, it's exciting.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: So all of you listening, thank you so much.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm we appreciate it.
• 4:13
  Danae: We're glad you're on the journey with us.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and on that journey, we've been talking about various ages.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: We talked about teens for a couple of weeks, and then we, uh, ventured into the middle years.
• 4:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and so I've had some parents that have said, I love what you did with them and, and the processing mm-hmm but it's different when you get to older teens.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and young adults.
• 4:37
  Christie: definitely.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: And so they've asked us to speak into that and to, uh, Wade into those waters.
• 4:43
  Danae: Yeah.
• 4:44
  Danae: It's definitely what I'm living right now.
• 4:45
  Danae: All three
• 4:46
  Cheryl: of us are the same.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: And again, I think maybe this is the greatest deficit of information and encouragement in parenting mm-hmm is the releasing and absolutely the empty nest years.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 4:59
  Cheryl: Of staying in a relationship with our older kids.
• 5:01
  Christie: Yeah, I agree.
• 5:01
  Christie: I know when my oldest graduated high school, She moved off out of state.
• 5:05
  Christie: And I remember searching podcasts, typing all kinds of combinations of words into the search bar, trying to find somebody with a voice on releasing kids.
• 5:15
  Christie: And there's just, it's like you said, it's the least talked about time of
• 5:20
  Cheryl: parenting.
• 5:20
  Cheryl: Well, I hadn't done that, but I just know from the feedback from parents and I'm just talking with them.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and the desperation, because they don't have anyone coming alongside or encouraging or giving perspective.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm as they did previously.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 5:36
  Danae: we can just fumble all along together then.
• 5:38
  Danae: Yes, that's
• 5:39
  Cheryl: good.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: All right.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: So let me bring up a question.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: So here's what this listener writes.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: How do I help my child transition into more independence?
• 5:50
  Cheryl: He seems mature at times and yet immature for what I think he should be at his age.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I can tell he needs to be pushed to grow and be responsible for more things.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: How can I do this?
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Well, mm-hmm and this is not a young teen.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: This is on the other end of the spectrum.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm towards.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: At the age of 20 mm-hmm
• 6:13
  Christie: yeah.
• 6:13
  Christie: And someone that seems to be hesitant to step into that next phase of life.
• 6:17
  Christie: Mm-hmm mm-hmm
• 6:18
  Danae: mm-hmm yeah.
• 6:20
  Danae: Some of that's personality for sure.
• 6:23
  Danae: And what experiences they've had if they had negative experiences with stepping out.
• 6:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: And it's hard.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: It is, Yeah.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: And I mean, we're kind of looking at each other because we're identifying.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: You cannot treat an older teen mm-hmm and a young adult the same way, which is why we're talking about this.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: So let me ask you, we've all been involved in this mm-hmm seeing things and maybe not just immaturity, but the stepping out and mm-hmm handling their life.
• 6:54
  Cheryl: Well, what are some, um, experiences you've had or speak into that?
• 7:00
  Cheryl: What would you say.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: How to help that older teen young adult as they're fumbling their way into life.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah,
• 7:10
  Christie: I think one of the challenges of this is all the way up to this point in parenting, you can kind of watch and wait and let'em do things that they're in pace, but.
• 7:20
  Christie: When you get to the finish line, it's kinda like, no, you have to go be an adult.
• 7:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm I have to help you into this.
• 7:26
  Christie: There's no watching and waiting anymore.
• 7:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm and I look at mine, some of mine were everything, but hesitant, they were more than eager, but the ones that were a little hesitant were the ones that typically had.
• 7:39
  Christie: A cautious personality in general.
• 7:41
  Christie: Mm-hmm And so I, I can look back and see that this was kind of a pattern in our relationship anyway.
• 7:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:48
  Christie: Encouraging them to take that next step.
• 7:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm Um, I'm thinking one of my was ready for, to get a part-time job and, uh, was very nervous about the whole application.
• 7:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:59
  Christie: And interview process and, um, I remember just, you know, fear of how is it gonna go?
• 8:06
  Christie: What are they gonna say?
• 8:07
  Christie: What if they ask a question?
• 8:08
  Christie: I don't know the answer to, yeah.
• 8:10
  Christie: And so.
• 8:12
  Christie: Something I do with my girls often is I'll go to the worst case scenario mm-hmm and, and go there with them.
• 8:19
  Christie: And especially if it's one that tends to go there anyway, and say, okay, worst case scenario, you go in here, you totally bomb the interview.
• 8:29
  Christie: We can never eat at this restaurant again, which is fine.
• 8:32
  Christie: Cuz they have horrible bread sticks and we go get ice cream and you apply somewhere else tomorrow.
• 8:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:37
  Christie: And you've learned, right?
• 8:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Christie: And then.
• 8:41
  Christie: I think by doing that in those cases has helped a little bit to like, okay.
• 8:46
  Christie: Even if the worst thing happens, mm-hmm, mom's still there to love me and support me.
• 8:50
  Christie: And I've not lost anything major.
• 8:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:52
  Cheryl: Well, I totally agree with that last part, but it's so interesting.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: This is why we have to be students of our children and incrementally who they're becoming mm-hmm at these older ages, because I would say with most of mine, They would not want me go to worst case scenario.
• 9:08
  Cheryl: In fact, when I sometimes maybe speak a little bit.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: Cautionary well, but if this doesn't turn out mom, and so they don't want me to bring that in.
• 9:21
  Cheryl: It's so discouraging and they're intimidated by it anyway.
• 9:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: So in general, mine are the opposite.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: They don't flourish with that.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: I need to kind of be hesitant to walk into personality.
• 9:34
  Christie: Definitely plays a factor there.
• 9:36
  Christie: Yeah, for sure.
• 9:38
  Danae: You know, I think as parents we've helped them along and have done a lot for them.
• 9:43
  Danae: And then all of a sudden it's like we wake up one day and we think.
• 9:46
  Danae: Well, they need to go do all that on their own now.
• 9:48
  Danae: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:49
  Danae: Right.
• 9:49
  Danae: You know, maybe it's because we've heard that it's what another parent is doing, or we've read it somewhere in a book.
• 9:55
  Danae: And so we can, kind of just turn on our kids and they're just not ready for it.
• 10:00
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, to remember we are transitioning, they are too.
• 10:04
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:04
  Danae: we Talk about it a lot.
• 10:06
  Danae: I am thinking of an example that, um, my daughter needed to take a check that she'd been given to the bank.
• 10:13
  Danae: Mm-hmm She had never been to the bank before.
• 10:16
  Danae: you know, we hardly anymore drive up to the drive through.
• 10:19
  Danae: So I hadn't done that with her in years.
• 10:23
  Danae: And, you know, I kind of started out saying, oh yeah, will you just do this?
• 10:27
  Danae: And you do this.
• 10:28
  Danae: And I could see just kind of the glazed overlook on her eyes.
• 10:32
  Danae: And, and I thought to myself, She's never done this before.
• 10:38
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:38
  Danae: And she's never been with me.
• 10:40
  Danae: Mm-hmm when I've done it before.
• 10:43
  Danae: Uh, you know, and so I just paused and said, Hey, how about if we go together?
• 10:47
  Danae: I know you've never been in the bank before.
• 10:50
  Danae: Right.
• 10:50
  Danae: And we should do it together.
• 10:51
  Danae: And she was so glad to do that.
• 10:52
  Danae: And now I've modeled it to her.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good
• 10:55
  Danae: I've shown.
• 10:57
  Danae: Had to talk to the bank teller, what you need to say.
• 10:59
  Danae: And in that one was when she was more than capable yeah.
• 11:04
  Danae: Of following directions and doing it, but she was afraid.
• 11:07
  Danae: Right.
• 11:08
  Danae: And so I was thankful that I thought of that in the moment.
• 11:11
  Danae: Like, I'll just, I'll just go with her this one time.
• 11:14
  Danae: And so yeah, when I heard this question, it's like, let's model
• 11:17
  Christie: to them.
• 11:18
  Christie: Well, And when you started the story, you said she wasn't ready, but really it was that she was not equipped.
• 11:24
  Christie: She was ready and capable.
• 11:25
  Christie: I like that word.
• 11:26
  Christie: And so I think that's a lot of these tasks that they're having to take on is theirs.
• 11:31
  Christie: It's not that they're not always.
• 11:33
  Christie: I mean maybe sometimes, but typically it's not that they're not ready.
• 11:37
  Christie: They just need to be equipped.
• 11:39
  Christie: Mm.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: Well, but I also think, you know, we've been talking about how once they hit adolescence, it's not linear and it doesn't all come together at 18 or 19 mm-hmm mm-hmm Yeah.
• 11:51
  Cheryl: And so being ready is more than knowing how to sign.
• 11:55
  Cheryl: A bank deposit, slip mm-hmm, there's a whole lot to that.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: And I think even if there's a lot of bravado and expression of, I've got this world conquered and right.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: You know that if, even if you see some of that, mm-hmm there's a lot of insecurity there.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: And to realize.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: Oh, you know, they may be ready because they know how to actually walk in the room and do that.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm but Ready's just a bigger word yeah.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: To realize their emotional readiness.
• 12:24
  Christie: Well, and that whole, um, Go get'em attitude towards our kids.
• 12:29
  Christie: I don't think it helps them to that.
• 12:31
  Christie: You got this thing we want to say.
• 12:34
  Christie: One thing I, I think really helps is when we're specific to them and our praise and our mm-hmm, our encouragement.
• 12:41
  Christie: You are gonna go in there and do great because.
• 12:43
  Christie: You're really capable in this specific area.
• 12:47
  Christie: You you're great with people or you're wonderful with finances.
• 12:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:51
  Christie: You're.
• 12:51
  Christie: You've got that math mind about you rather than you've got this.
• 12:55
  Christie: You're awesome.
• 12:55
  Christie: That's not true.
• 12:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:57
  Christie: That's just a general.
• 12:58
  Danae: Yeah.
• 12:59
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:00
  Cheryl: I really like that because you're speaking to their strength.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yes.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, kind of walking alongside, yeah.
• 13:07
  Cheryl: Just, how about, mm-hmm how can I help you in this?
• 13:11
  Danae: Or maybe even do you want my help?
• 13:13
  Danae: Right.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good
• 13:14
  Danae: You know, as we're trying to let them be independent and encourage them that they do have
• 13:19
  Cheryl: this.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: So then how can we phrase it saying, is there a way I can help you in this mm-hmm and just kind of real offhanded like that?
• 13:28
  Cheryl: Um, I remember one of my children.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Biggest hurdles.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: And it's kind of related to the, you can do this, you go mm-hmm is comparison.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: Because they're comparing themselves, like we all do you, you choose what you compare.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: You know?
• 13:42
  Cheryl: And so their comparison of other people saying, well, they've done that.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: I haven't and so forth.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And actually, I really did trying to say, well, remember when you did this, this is the same.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: You're used to do this.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: um, and remember the people are there to help you or whatever it is.
• 14:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, you know, I love being compassionate with them.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and maybe we could say kind of put your hand a little bit in their back to give'em a little push mm-hmm and put your arm around their shoulder at the same time.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: I
• 14:13
  Christie: like that picture
• 14:14
  Danae: mm-hmm yeah.
• 14:15
  Danae: Mm-hmm and yeah.
• 14:16
  Danae: And to remember we can equip them.
• 14:18
  Danae: Mm mm-hmm.
• 14:19
  Danae: help.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: One of the things that my children would've benefited from.
• 14:22
  Cheryl: If I didn't overreact react to their immaturity mm-hmm or that they were fulfilling my expectations.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: Like you should know how to cash a check.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: What do you think?
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: If I bring that to the table with them, I'm just heaping up more.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: Failure
• 14:39
  Danae: on their side.
• 14:39
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:40
  Danae: They're already afraid of disappointing.
• 14:42
  Danae: Or being less than their, their peers, like you were saying.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm we're just
• 14:46
  Christie: life.
• 14:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:47
  Christie: That makes me think of, um, A pretest.
• 14:50
  Christie: You remember the pressure of taking a pretest?
• 14:52
  Christie: Oh, like, you
• 14:53
  Danae: should know it already know every year.
• 14:55
  Danae: They're really not supposed
• 14:56
  Christie: to know it.
• 14:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:58
  Christie: I hate.
• 14:58
  Christie: And that's kind of the same thing.
• 14:59
  Christie: Like it, it's, we're just taking an assessment of what they know mm-hmm and what they need help learning and growing in rather than, okay.
• 15:08
  Christie: You've turned 18 it's time.
• 15:10
  Christie: Mm-hmm you know how to do all of the things to go do
• 15:12
  Cheryl: them.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: And we just need to be that safe place.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: And with the balance of encouraging mm-hmm.
• 15:18
  Christie: definitely.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: Well, here's a seminar type of question, because we're staying in a relationship with our children.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but it's a little more complicated than used to be.
• 15:27
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:27
  Cheryl: So here's what, one parent writes.
• 15:29
  Cheryl: Asking, How do I navigate conversations and really get that connection, particularly in the releasing years and then into young adulthood.
• 15:40
  Cheryl: Let's talk into that How do we maintain the relationship?
• 15:44
  Cheryl: What's hard about it?
• 15:45
  Cheryl: And um, how do we do that?
• 15:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:49
  Danae: Mm.
• 15:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:51
  Danae: Oh, this is hard.
• 15:52
  Danae: Isn't it?
• 15:52
  Christie: Yeah, it really
• 15:53
  Cheryl: is.
• 15:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I mean talk about what we just said about our, putting our hand on their back and kind of pushing them a little further than where they feel comfortable.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: I will tell you for sure, this age period, I feel like I was ill-equipped to know how to release them.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: Well, mm-hmm and how to walk into this, this kind of conversations we're talking about.
• 16:17
  Danae: yeah, I always feel like my pendulum is swinging.
• 16:19
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:19
  Danae: You know, from one side of controlling or saying too much, and then it'll swing all the way over and I'm just not ever saying anything.
• 16:27
  Danae: Right.
• 16:28
  Danae: And not even really spending that much time with them.
• 16:30
  Danae: So I think this is good to kind of talk about how to have a balance between
• 16:35
  Cheryl: those, because the difference between this age group and younger mm-hmm is it's not active parenting.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm really anymore.
• 16:43
  Danae: Right
• 16:43
  Cheryl: It's either.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: Very much releasing or fully released mm-hmm so we have to show a respect and a difference to them.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm um, not that we're disrespectful before, but a different thing to respect mm-hmm their age, even if their conduct and their attitude doesn't merit mm-hmm
• 17:03
  Christie: well, and I think in this.
• 17:05
  Christie: They rarely want our thoughts, opinions, input, criticism.
• 17:12
  Christie: I mean, never our criticism, but they, my, my experience has been, they very rarely want any of that from me.
• 17:18
  Christie: Mm-hmm and so I just do a whole lot of listening.
• 17:22
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:22
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:22
  Christie: And like you said today, I don't wanna be so much that I'm just silent in the whole.
• 17:27
  Christie: So when I do feel like I wanna engage, it's a lot of questions, curious questions, not critical questions, but tell me more about how you feel about that or mm-hmm I, I wanna know more about why you would think that or mm-hmm humbly yes.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: Curious.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good Mm-hmm it really is interesting because they're coming to us because they want to be in a relationship, but it's what you just said is how much we're respecting them.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and again, a phrase that someone.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Equip me well, and the whole world wishes, I'd learned it when I was 20 but it is choosing to be interested instead of interesting.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: And so as a parent and you know, so much of my parenting was single parenting mm-hmm so I was the hub of everything.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm the entire power source.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: All of it.
• 18:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and to transition that to where I'm the engaged listener and, um, if you will, I'm kind of marginalized because mm-hmm they are figuring out themselves and I just want to be available.
• 18:33
  Cheryl: So I'm telling y'all I do it so much better when I come prepared.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: For being interested mm-hmm mm-hmm and instead of wanting to go, oh yeah, that's interesting.
• 18:43
  Cheryl: Because like one time when I was, and I just take it away, Actually, I heard somebody one time say something and go, Oh, it is so true, particularly in this teen, but then older teen and young adult unsolicited advice is viewed as criticism.
• 19:02
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:03
  Christie: Ouch.
• 19:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:04
  Christie: That is so true.
• 19:05
  Christie: They don't always wanna hear all of our
• 19:07
  Cheryl: things.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: I think they are getting some of their identity out of how we treat them.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that we are helping them to form the identity.
• 19:16
  Christie: they're really, I feel like in this age group, they're coming to us.
• 19:19
  Christie: More for a safe sounding board, absolutely.
• 19:22
  Christie: To just vent and process their own thoughts and feelings on things.
• 19:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm they don't even fully know where they land on every topic and they need a place that there's no judgment or.
• 19:34
  Christie: Rejection mm-hmm because of what they're processing still.
• 19:38
  Danae: Yeah, I'm feeling a little bit of a, a kick in my stomach.
• 19:41
  Danae: Mm-hmm over this.
• 19:42
  Danae: I was having a conversation with one of my children and, uh, She was talking and then I was talking and then she was talking very much like a friend relationship, kind of the give and take, give and take.
• 19:55
  Danae: And, and I was, I was really enjoying myself.
• 19:58
  Danae: right.
• 19:59
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:59
  Danae: And then she stopped me and she's like, you know, mom, I kind of really just need to process with you.
• 20:08
  Danae: Mm-hmm and I left that conversation.
• 20:12
  Danae: Well, I had to walk around my yard a few times because it kind had upset me a little bit of, oh no, did I do something wrong?
• 20:19
  Danae: And you know, the phrase that came to me was I'm the mom, I'm the mom.
• 20:25
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, and, and so I've been thinking about that a lot.
• 20:28
  Danae: Like, what does that mean?
• 20:29
  Danae: Yeah.
• 20:29
  Danae: And it's very much what you all are saying, which is I want to be interested instead of interesting.
• 20:37
  Danae: And, and how I'm taking that.
• 20:40
  Danae: it's not give and take equally most of the time.
• 20:45
  Danae: Mm-hmm, That's not what she needed.
• 20:47
  Danae: She needed her mom to sit and go Uhhuh, Uhhuh.
• 20:51
  Danae: Wow.
• 20:52
  Danae: Really?
• 20:53
  Christie: Wow.
• 20:54
  Christie: well, and we get, we get caught up as we're releasing our kids that they don't need me anymore, but this is how they need us.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: oh, true.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 21:03
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:04
  Christie: I mean, so for so long, we look forward to having the fruit of a friendship with our kids.
• 21:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:09
  Christie: Mm-hmm but the twenties still aren't it Yeah.
• 21:12
  Christie: Like they still need us to be that support.
• 21:16
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:16
  Danae: What I wrote down on my journal was not a best friend.
• 21:22
  Danae: always a mom mm-hmm yeah.
• 21:23
  Danae: You know that, we talk about this friendship, but I think will always be different.
• 21:27
  Danae: I will always be the mom and the role of
• 21:30
  Cheryl: that.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: And, and what you're saying, some events and.
• 21:35
  Cheryl: My recent past here, realizing that again.
• 21:38
  Cheryl: Oh, we can't always.
• 21:41
  Cheryl: fully move into.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: We're just best friends.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because we as parents bring much more to our children.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: You know, quoting, um, Dr.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: Yuri Brener about, they want someone who's irrationally crazy about them.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: Aw.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: They always love that
• 21:59
  Christie: praise.
• 22:00
  Cheryl: yeah, me too.
• 22:01
  Cheryl: That's what they still want.
• 22:03
  Cheryl: I think at 30 and 40 years old.
• 22:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:05
  Cheryl: Will
• 22:05
  Danae: you still love me if I make the wrong choice?
• 22:08
  Danae: If I do something that you don't agree with, are you gonna still be here for me?
• 22:12
  Danae: I think that question starts when they're.
• 22:14
  Danae: Teens
• 22:15
  Cheryl: and it, but look at the honor though, mm-hmm that you have someone she's a full grown adult mm-hmm and she wants to process her life with you.
• 22:23
  Cheryl: Right?
• 22:23
  Cheryl: I think we have to remember, you know, like, we talked about friendship once the concentric circles of friendship mm-hmm and although we may be so intimate with our children, even when we're you know, in rough places with them, there's an intimacy in that relationship.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but we can't handle it the same way.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: We would a dear close best friend.
• 22:44
  Christie: Oh, I can see that.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: We still have to remember.
• 22:47
  Cheryl: I'm always the parent
• 22:49
  Danae: Yeah.
• 22:49
  Danae: True.,
• 22:50
  Cheryl: and I think the maturity of, I need to have your best interest at heart, which is not always.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Getting my needs
• 22:57
  Danae: feel mm-hmm yeah, that's what I was just thinking actually is to not look to our children, to meet our relational
• 23:05
  Christie: needs.
• 23:05
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:06
  Christie: I love that.
• 23:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:07
  Christie: One of my girls recently said, To someone.
• 23:10
  Christie: Oh yeah.
• 23:11
  Christie: My mom's one of my best friends.
• 23:12
  Christie: And while that was a huge compliment, like you guys are saying, I may be able to be her best friend, but she cannot be my best friend.
• 23:19
  Christie: Wow.
• 23:20
  Christie: It can't be reciprocated in that way.
• 23:22
  Christie: Like you're saying toay and we can't look to our kids for those needs to
• 23:27
  Cheryl: be met.
• 23:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 23:28
  Christie: I can be their best friend, but they can't be
• 23:30
  Cheryl: mine.
• 23:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: So what's the difference?
• 23:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm let's develop that a little bit what we're talking about.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: So what does that actually mean?
• 23:37
  Cheryl: That I can be their best friend, but they can't be mine.
• 23:41
  Cheryl: Well, I think
• 23:41
  Danae: A big part of this is that it's part of my role to feel the weight and to carry some of the burden for them.
• 23:52
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:52
  Danae: In their life.
• 23:53
  Danae: You know, I go to bed at night and I pray for them.
• 23:57
  Danae: I, I have to release that.
• 23:59
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:59
  Danae: But I don't want to.
• 24:01
  Danae: The burdens of my life onto them.
• 24:04
  Danae: Mm-hmm so if I'm coming out into the living room and you know, you, they can see on my face that I'm struggling with something that day.
• 24:12
  Danae: I'm not saying that we need to be fake as parents.
• 24:15
  Danae: We don't go, oh, I'm fine.
• 24:17
  Danae: You know, but I just say, yeah, I'm, I'm really having a challenging day today.
• 24:22
  Danae: And, you know, and I can be that open, but I don't need to say, and then she said, and then he said, and then I, and then blah, blah,
• 24:30
  Christie: blah, blah, blah.
• 24:30
  Christie: And just where they turn out being our counselor and our support.
• 24:34
  Christie: Exactly.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: And there may be places for that, but I, I think maybe you said the word role mm-hmm okay.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and they kind of don't have a role in our lives.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because they just get to come to us being themselves.
• 24:49
  Cheryl: Oh
• 24:49
  Christie: yeah.
• 24:49
  Christie: That's what I was gonna ask responsibility.
• 24:50
  Danae: They don't have responsibility.
• 24:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Oh, that's good.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: But I mean, in the roles, they can just come as a person.
• 24:59
  Cheryl: And yet I think we serve them and love them best.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: When we remember this role that we're talking about of being that.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: Safe place mm-hmm and then when we need to speak into it.
• 25:10
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:10
  Cheryl: But I have a
• 25:10
  Danae: question at Thanksgiving.
• 25:12
  Danae: Can I ask them to bring food though?
• 25:15
  Danae: I don't wanna have to make all
• 25:16
  Christie: the food right.
• 25:17
  Christie: Well, and I think you said the word, wait, wait.
• 25:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:20
  Christie: Like w E I G H T we wanna bring transparency to the friendship table.
• 25:24
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:24
  Christie: But we don't wanna put a weight on them.
• 25:26
  Christie: For example, one of my daughters.
• 25:29
  Christie: Like fashion and, and nose.
• 25:31
  Christie: And we have similar style and body type.
• 25:34
  Christie: And so I reached out to her and was like, Hey, would you help me find some new things for the fall?
• 25:39
  Christie: And she ate that up.
• 25:40
  Christie: Mm-hmm she loved having that.
• 25:43
  Christie: That part of the friendship can be reciprocal.
• 25:46
  Christie: Mm-hmm because it's not a weight or a burden on her.
• 25:48
  Christie: I'm not need something from her.
• 25:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm it makes it light and fun.
• 25:51
  Christie: So yes, mm-hmm, let,'em bring their favorite dessert to Thanksgiving.
• 25:54
  Christie: yes, please.
• 25:56
  Danae: Yes.
• 25:57
  Danae: I'm already thinking Thanksgiving.
• 25:59
  Danae: It's starting to come
• 25:59
  Cheryl: fall okay but I think this is it, is that in a way when we're healthy with our younger children, they're things, we don't need them to carry mm-hmm and we don't share that weight with them.
• 26:12
  Cheryl: And we're incrementally releasing mm-hmm and I thought that when they were in their twenties, Oh, mm-hmm now we can equally carry it mm-hmm but that they can come and just process their lives mm-hmm and that we find somewhere else to do that.
• 26:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah,
• 26:28
  Danae: because We are still the home.
• 26:30
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:30
  Danae: We are still the stability.
• 26:33
  Danae: Mm-hmm that's something that's been surprising for me that my older kids.
• 26:38
  Cheryl: yeah, me too
• 26:39
  Danae: Have told me that they need, yeah.
• 26:41
  Danae: They still need that home to come home to.
• 26:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:45
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 26:45
  Christie: and you say home and I, I don't even know that You mean a physical place of home.
• 26:51
  Danae: Yeah,
• 26:51
  Christie: As parents, we represent the experience of home or the place that I belong and that I'm understood, like cheers where everyone knows your name, Um, but you know, one of my girls lives outta state.
• 27:05
  Christie: Another one lives.
• 27:07
  Christie: Out of town, kind of, but I will get phone calls where I can tell they're not really needing anything, but they just need to kind of hear from home, you know, just family talk or something that they can just kind of draw some strength from in a hard week or a hard day.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: And see, that's what I'm saying about roles.
• 27:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm see, we still have that role where they don't have to, and, and there, you know, later on there might be caretaking, but that's different from the role you have of being home of life and heart for your kids.
• 27:44
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 27:45
  Cheryl: And then when we have to, we step up to the hard conversations, but yeah, in general, my children have benefited when I've decided these are not hard conversations and I can keep my opinion to myself.
• 27:55
  Christie: Mm-hmm mm-hmm
• 27:56
  Cheryl: I have given them a burden mm-hmm that I kind of think that at this age boy, you should be mature enough to start giving back to me and reaffirming because, the fruit of my labor, the fruit of my
• 28:09
  Danae: labor.
• 28:09
  Danae: Yeah.
• 28:09
  Danae: And my accomplishments, my identity, because my identity mother yes.
• 28:14
  Danae: Is that you are this functioning, healthy
• 28:17
  Christie: adult.
• 28:18
  Christie: Right.
• 28:18
  Christie: Right.
• 28:18
  Christie: And I think that's because these conversations are a litmus test on how well I did, as if they agree with me, then I did a good job or
• 28:28
  Danae: or the things that they have, the kind of job that I think they should, or the type of relationships are they living the values that I have taught them.
• 28:39
  Christie: Right.
• 28:40
  Cheryl: Where I was unhealthy getting my identity as a.
• 28:43
  Cheryl: Are they giving me the feedback that supports that
• 28:46
  Christie: I give, do they feel loved enough?
• 28:48
  Christie: Did I celebrate them enough?
• 28:50
  Christie: Did I love for success enough?
• 28:52
  Cheryl: But I can't get my identity out of it.
• 28:54
  Cheryl: And that's where it's not.
• 28:55
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 28:57
  Christie: Ooh.
• 28:57
  Christie: Talk about gut punches today.
• 29:00
  Danae: Mm-hmm sounds like what you're saying, Cheryl, we continue encouraging them when they're young adults and adults, as we keep looking for the good that we're seeing the positive things in our children.
• 29:12
  Cheryl: And I think a lot of times.
• 29:13
  Cheryl: That can be done by listening well and being interested and not saying, oh, you're amazing.
• 29:19
  Cheryl: You're amazing.
• 29:19
  Cheryl: But just, I am taking my life and choosing to sit and listen to you and be interested.
• 29:27
  Cheryl: I think that's such a gift.
• 29:28
  Cheryl: We can give them more, not to the exclusion.
• 29:31
  Cheryl: Like we've talked before.
• 29:32
  Cheryl: There are hard things to say, and there are places to step into that.
• 29:36
  Cheryl: But I think the normal rhythm of.
• 29:39
  Cheryl: that we can work hard to keep the relationship mm-hmm and that that's our role and then get stronger and stronger.
• 29:47
  Cheryl: So maybe it can be more reciprocal somewhere down the line.
• 29:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 29:51
  Cheryl: our time has gone away again.
• 29:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so fast.
• 29:55
  Cheryl: Christy, you are dead center of this releasing.
• 29:58
  Cheryl: Age.
• 29:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:58
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 30:00
  Cheryl: What would you say that you have found is a great tool or method or attitude or something that you bring that helps keep that relationship bridge open?
• 30:09
  Cheryl: Mm,
• 30:11
  Christie: I think two things always aiming to build or keep trust with my kids.
• 30:18
  Christie: That's huge and encouragement.
• 30:20
  Christie: There's so much discouragement that.
• 30:24
  Christie: People in general, but especially kids this age or hearing mm-hmm mm wow.
• 30:28
  Christie: Because they just are bombarded with yeah.
• 30:30
  Christie: All the things, all your life shifting doing.
• 30:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:33
  Christie: Wow.
• 30:34
  Christie: And so I think building and keeping trust and always trying to encourage them.
• 30:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm fantastic.
• 30:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, because what you just tapped in, again, reinforces they may look secure and they think they have it all together, but there's a lot of times an insecurity and they need us as parents to love them.
• 30:54
  Cheryl: Well there, yeah.
• 30:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 30:56
  Cheryl: Okay, thank you.
• 30:58
  Cheryl: This was really great listeners.
• 31:00
  Cheryl: We would love to hear your questions, Please let us hear from you.
• 31:03
  Cheryl: To get your feedback.
• 31:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And happy fit the F episode to us.
• 31:07
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 31:10
  Christie: good laugh
• 31:12
  Cheryl: So parents remember.
• 31:13
  Cheryl: Hang in there.
• 31:15
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.