Latest / CALL ME MISTRESS / "TEA TIME WITH KIT" - NAVIGATING THE LIFESTYLE COMMUNITY

Transcript

"TEA TIME WITH KIT" - NAVIGATING THE LIFESTYLE COMMUNITY · CALL ME MISTRESS

• 0:09
  Hi, welcome to latest episode of Call Me Mistress.
• 0:12
  I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia. Today I've got a special guest
• 0:15
  with me, my good friend Kit. Kit's been in the lifestyle with
• 0:19
  me for a number of years. We've been very good friends for
• 0:21
  quite some time. And so today we're going to talk
• 0:25
  about some interesting little topics in the community and how
• 0:28
  seedy things can really get good.
• 0:34
  They like laughter and you got a cute laugh, so you know.
• 0:38
  I don't, I don't believe you, but I yes.
• 0:40
  You do. I love it.
• 0:41
  I love it. So we were talking earlier and I
• 0:45
  was like, hey, what are we going to talk about?
• 0:49
  You know, this was like our little tea time.
• 0:51
  Our tea time. And then I said, why don't we
• 0:53
  just make like an episode series that's called Tea Time with Mia.
• 0:57
  And that's kind of what that was kind of the idea behind this,
• 0:59
  because you usually like to cover lighthearted stuff or
• 1:02
  really heavily kinky stuff. But sometimes I think we should
• 1:05
  cover more important stuff that's serious and it applies to
• 1:09
  everybody. Absolutely.
• 1:10
  You know, we talk about this concept of safety in the
• 1:13
  lifestyle, all right? Like it's a it's a concept you
• 1:15
  hear everywhere, safety and consent.
• 1:18
  And I think a lot of new people can get lost in the nuance.
• 1:22
  And that's kind of what this episode is about is navigating
• 1:26
  this really loaded concept of safety in lifestyle.
• 1:29
  So when we go to a nightclub, we think of safety as is my drink
• 1:33
  getting roofied, is someone following me in my car, is
• 1:35
  someone grabbing hold of me and I tell them to look, it's really
• 1:38
  simple black and white issues. And in the lifestyle, it could
• 1:41
  be like that too. Most certainly.
• 1:44
  There's definitely been cases of rapes.
• 1:45
  There's been cases of people drugging someone, sure, but in
• 1:48
  the lifestyle, I think that we get so much more sophisticated
• 1:53
  in how we do unsafe things. And ironically, one of the
• 1:57
  things we do that's really not safe is weaponize the term
• 2:00
  safety. You don't say.
• 2:04
  Yeah. You don't say kind of like
• 2:06
  consent violator. Right.
• 2:08
  And that goes along with it. Yeah.
• 2:10
  Yeah. I mean, I, you know, if you'd
• 2:12
  asked me 10 years ago when we met.
• 2:15
  Yes, yes. You asked me 10 years ago if I
• 2:18
  believed that something like that would be a thing, I
• 2:21
  probably would have looked at you crazy like you were wearing
• 2:23
  an aluminum foil hat. Really.
• 2:25
  Because it seems like a super deep, weird topic.
• 2:29
  You almost couldn't believe it. But yeah, we, we do have a
• 2:31
  problem. I want to say it's a national
• 2:33
  problem, but I'd almost be bold enough to say it's an
• 2:36
  international problem. Because you read all these
• 2:39
  different stories online on Fetlife about how one person or
• 2:43
  another violated someone or they're not safe.
• 2:46
  And you always have to wonder what brought them to that point.
• 2:49
  Because there's multiple sides to a story.
• 2:51
  Unfortunately, a lot of people don't seem to agree that there
• 2:55
  are multiple sides to a story because they hear one side and
• 2:58
  then they just make a decision how to act.
• 3:00
  So safety to me has become a buzzword in the lifestyle.
• 3:03
  Just about anywhere you go, any community, umm, you know, a
• 3:06
  place can be unsafe, a person can be unsafe, a group can be
• 3:10
  unsafe. Just about anyone you don't like
• 3:12
  can absolutely be unsafe. And it works because when you
• 3:16
  tell someone a person is unsafe when they play or a place is
• 3:20
  known to be unsafe, problem is that's all we have to go on is
• 3:23
  hearsay. There's no official court of
• 3:25
  kink. There's no, you know, yeah,
• 3:28
  special investigation investigators that go all
• 3:30
  Inspector Gadget on the situation, right?
• 3:36
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 3:37
  I almost wish. I really did.
• 3:39
  I almost wish. OK, so we don't, we don't have
• 3:42
  the sophisticated mechanisms to look into these situations.
• 3:45
  Sure. Have your word, my word, their
• 3:47
  word, and whatever. Yeah, someone had recently
• 3:51
  touched base with me and they're like, you know, you're going to
• 3:53
  have this party. She's like, I see someone has
• 3:56
  signed up to your event and he's known to roofie people and I'm
• 4:01
  like, well, did he Bill Cosby? I'm like, like, what the fuck
• 4:07
  happened? But you know, there's no proof
• 4:10
  in the pudding. Like you don't know.
• 4:12
  And like you said, it's hearsay. So it's ultimately, is it safe
• 4:16
  because they might have parties And just saying how often do we
• 4:21
  run into people who have been leaders of groups or in like a
• 4:27
  situation where they're running facilities and yet they still
• 4:31
  are known consent violators? Right.
• 4:35
  You know, and that that goes back to the lack of checks and
• 4:37
  balances. No judge, no investigators, no
• 4:39
  police, no nothing. So what happens at the end of
• 4:42
  the day? There is no one, no one to check
• 4:44
  anybody who is running a facility, who's hosting at their
• 4:48
  home, who's meeting up somewhere as a group.
• 4:51
  Yeah. No one's over that.
• 4:53
  No. And people believe that.
• 4:54
  They believe them blindly, yeah, and it's become a problem
• 4:58
  everywhere, but most importantly here too.
• 5:01
  Yeah. Absolutely.
• 5:02
  Big story that broke out here, as you're well aware.
• 5:05
  Yes, the scandal goes pretty deep.
• 5:07
  And I'm not, I'm not going to get too deep into that.
• 5:09
  But suffice to say we had a long time community member who's been
• 5:14
  here probably longer than you and I know each other.
• 5:16
  Sure. And I guess he's a likable
• 5:18
  person to some people. To each their own, you know we
• 5:21
  all have our flavors. So was Ted Bundy, though.
• 5:23
  Right, exactly. He had an entire cult following.
• 5:25
  Yeah, sure. Absolutely.
• 5:27
  You know, recently came out and admitted that he'd been
• 5:30
  manipulating people. He'd been pitting groups against
• 5:34
  each other. He'd been lying about
• 5:36
  individuals to wreck their reputation for, I guess,
• 5:39
  creative reasons. But he's he admits he's been
• 5:42
  doing this for the better part of over the spans of a decade.
• 5:45
  Nobody, nobody caught him. And what's weird about this
• 5:48
  particular situation is that you talk to most people about this
• 5:53
  individual and they'll tell you. Yeah, most people know he's full
• 5:56
  of shit. He's a liar, he's a clown.
• 5:58
  He's this, he's that. So then the question is, well,
• 6:00
  then who is he influencing and how is he doing it?
• 6:02
  Sure. And that was what you and I were
• 6:04
  talking about. Like how then how are you able
• 6:07
  to do so much damage when nobody takes you seriously?
• 6:10
  So the point is to the listeners, especially the new
• 6:13
  ones. You can't underestimate the
• 6:16
  ability of someone to completely ruin your reputation and
• 6:20
  potentially put you in an unsafe situation.
• 6:23
  Because in this lifestyle, at least in this subculture, I have
• 6:26
  seen people do horrific things in the name of the good of the
• 6:30
  community. And then like 2-3 years later
• 6:32
  you don't even hear anything about them, right?
• 6:34
  It's like, where'd they go? So they do crazy shit for the
• 6:38
  good of the community is what they tell themselves.
• 6:40
  I've seen people stalk people relentlessly.
• 6:43
  They'll go in cyber bully, they'll go and assault people.
• 6:47
  This is like a bureaucracy on so many levels.
• 6:50
  It gets deep, it gets deep. And you know, as much as we like
• 6:53
  to keep it light, there's so many people that want it
• 6:55
  structured. And then when you take it past
• 6:58
  structuring, then it's involving so many different people and so
• 7:02
  many different components that then it just becomes toxic.
• 7:05
  Yeah, there's. I mean sure that the problem is
• 7:08
  you know, there are a lot of egos.
• 7:10
  Oh God, yeah. That is a totally problem in
• 7:12
  itself. Yeah.
• 7:13
  But so, you know, a newbie to this whole lifestyle, a new
• 7:16
  listener, what have you would probably think, OK, but why
• 7:19
  would somebody do that? The idea is you want to go, go
• 7:22
  out, have fun, con, you know, connected your friends, go have
• 7:25
  new sexual or BDSM experiences and then go home.
• 7:29
  You know, theoretically this is what we want to do.
• 7:31
  So why are we why are we getting into these really complicated
• 7:34
  issues? Well, these things come up from
• 7:36
  complicated dynamics. One of the major ones is
• 7:39
  breakups. So two people break up.
• 7:41
  We see this in the vanilla world.
• 7:42
  People take sides. Sure, one's right, the other's
• 7:45
  wrong, whatever. Nasty divorce.
• 7:47
  Sure. And almost inevitably what ends
• 7:49
  up happening is one or the other will tell an organizer, hey, I
• 7:53
  don't feel comfortable being at this event if they're going to
• 7:56
  be there, sure. And the implied ask is can you
• 8:00
  ban them, please? Yeah.
• 8:03
  You know, it pits the organizer in such a tough spot it.
• 8:07
  Does it does? It's not because you don't know
• 8:10
  the insurance and outs of their relationship.
• 8:12
  And most, most times you don't want to know.
• 8:14
  No, you really don't. It's weird, isn't it?
• 8:16
  Because you don't expect someone to do that to an owner of a
• 8:19
  nightclub, right? Isn't it weird?
• 8:22
  Yeah, it's so weird. You know, you have to wonder how
• 8:24
  they carry themselves in the vanilla world in adult
• 8:26
  environments. But I've known that for people
• 8:28
  to do. It at church.
• 8:29
  I didn't know that. Yes, yes, organized religion is
• 8:32
  so much like the BDSM world. Yeah.
• 8:36
  I mean, I could, I can kind of see that.
• 8:37
  I think it goes back to the idea of if you're here, if you're in
• 8:41
  this space, if you're about these principles, then it's
• 8:44
  implied that you're a decent person.
• 8:45
  Yeah, absolutely. The BDSM world, if you're here,
• 8:48
  you haven't been kicked out into the whole 5 minutes you've been
• 8:51
  there. It's implied that you're not a
• 8:53
  rapist, you're not a criminal. You're not someone who is so
• 8:56
  untrustworthy that no one wants you around.
• 8:59
  It's implied that you're a decent person, which I think is
• 9:03
  a dangerous notion. It's very dangerous, you know,
• 9:07
  And that's, that's the whole crux of the matter is you can
• 9:09
  know someone for over a decade or more, presumably know them to
• 9:13
  be an honest person, only to find out one day, yeah, I've
• 9:16
  been manipulating a line, you guys the whole time.
• 9:18
  All right, Just because someone's your friend doesn't
• 9:20
  mean they don't lie and they don't manipulate.
• 9:23
  I mean, we're all guilty of doing it at some level.
• 9:25
  On this particular case, person did it on a grand scale, so it's
• 9:29
  a different animal entire. So a newer person would probably
• 9:32
  wonder, OK, so why else would they do this?
• 9:35
  Well, people getting involved in things that they don't need to
• 9:38
  get involved in. A lot of people have done
• 9:40
  atrocious stuff in the name of loyalty to their friend.
• 9:43
  So if your friend goes up to you and says, hey, that guy violated
• 9:47
  my consent, that's a loaded statement because just about
• 9:50
  anything today can be a consent violation.
• 9:53
  If you e-mail someone on Fetlife and somewhere in the body of
• 9:57
  their thesis statement of their fucking bio, they say don't
• 10:00
  e-mail me unless we spoken in person because to do so is to
• 10:04
  violate. But you didn't read it because
• 10:06
  you're a human and you don't read a text wall.
• 10:08
  Guess what? You're a consent violator now.
• 10:11
  Congratulations, you're a bona fide creep.
• 10:15
  Yeah, according to the person who actually wrote it that
• 10:17
  state. Right.
• 10:18
  And depending on really how popular they are, that title
• 10:21
  will stick. Oh, God, yeah.
• 10:23
  And that's what I mean. You bump into someone, an
• 10:25
  accident in a party, you can the person can claim you violated
• 10:28
  their consent because you got you assaulted their person.
• 10:30
  OK, people can get so creative about this.
• 10:33
  So rewriting the idea, the definition of a consent
• 10:36
  violation and rewriting, this is my favorite.
• 10:39
  Rewriting the concept of outing. That's rich.
• 10:43
  I love that. Oh my goodness, yes.
• 10:45
  To understand the mental gymnastics one has to jump
• 10:47
  through to get there. But I'm here to tell you that,
• 10:49
  yes, we do not agree on what constitutes outing and
• 10:54
  everybody, and I mean everybody can be targeted for this.
• 10:58
  I think what classifieds outing is what what I've always
• 11:01
  understood it to be is that if someone is giving you real
• 11:05
  information about you participating BDSM activities on
• 11:09
  Fetlife or in real life and they out you to people who are not
• 11:14
  part of that group. Therefore I've had people out me
• 11:18
  on Facebook for example with my personal information.
• 11:21
  I've had a, a so-called Dom go and give out my personal
• 11:28
  information to people openly, my actual name and information.
• 11:34
  And you know, that's happened on more than one occasion.
• 11:36
  So pretty much how I understood it to be to.
• 11:39
  Be right. Giving fetish information to
• 11:41
  people who really don't they they don't belong having
• 11:43
  absolutely, you know, like you're in the closet.
• 11:46
  Your family doesn't need to know you're gay.
• 11:47
  Absolutely. That's that's a classic example.
• 11:49
  I think that that's where all of this stems from if it crosses.
• 11:52
  Over into the vanilla lifestyle or the vanilla world.
• 11:55
  Now, of course, there's new onset.
• 11:57
  There's there's context behind that too.
• 12:01
  Like if you run into someone in the in the supermarket, God,
• 12:05
  we've had so many instances of that, right?
• 12:07
  You run into someone in the supermarket and you know them
• 12:10
  by, you know, only their Fetlife name and you know nobody's
• 12:14
  around in the aisle hearing. You're like, hey, buddy, 123,
• 12:18
  what up? You know, if you're not saying
• 12:23
  it out into the world and nobody hears you and you're just
• 12:26
  communicating with that person, I mean, you best believe they
• 12:29
  can absolutely say that you've outed them because you said that
• 12:32
  name in the middle of a vanilla environment and theoretically
• 12:35
  someone could have heard that. Now, does anyone care about the
• 12:37
  context? Probably not.
• 12:38
  They don't, no. And it also depends, again, it
• 12:41
  depends on your popularity. If you're not a particularly
• 12:45
  popular person, go run with that *** and be like, oh, Yep, no,
• 12:49
  they, they totally outed that person.
• 12:51
  What if someone could have heard you?
• 12:52
  I mean, it's a vanilla environment, right?
• 12:54
  We talk about this all the time, guys, you know, but people who
• 12:59
  are popular get away with casual outing all the time.
• 13:02
  Yes, absolutely. You know, so weaponizing the
• 13:05
  concept of safety is a big problem that it affects
• 13:08
  everybody. Yeah.
• 13:09
  You know, you think you're safe today.
• 13:11
  You're not. Yesterday's your yesterday's
• 13:13
  garbage tomorrow. Oh, yeah.
• 13:14
  And you can be targeted and they can come up with creative
• 13:17
  definitions of them. Some curious listeners are
• 13:19
  probably thinking, OK, fine, so I'll go somewhere else.
• 13:21
  All right, Yeah, great. Except we have this really cute
• 13:24
  concept called reciprocity in the lifestyle.
• 13:27
  It's not going to be everywhere. It's not every place, not every
• 13:30
  group, but sometimes, and it's, it's quite popular, you'll find
• 13:33
  that one group has an agreement with another one that if they
• 13:37
  find someone to be problematic and worthy of being banned, then
• 13:41
  the other group is going to follow suit without any real
• 13:43
  investigating at all. It's a problem because you're
• 13:46
  making the assumption that the initial group did their due
• 13:49
  diligence to really look into the problem.
• 13:51
  And so the the problem that follows on with that is here you
• 13:54
  go. You got your buddies going to
• 13:56
  this party and they want to hang out with you.
• 13:58
  Well, you know, you haven't in like a month or so, and you got
• 14:01
  to catch him up. Like, I'm sorry, I can't be
• 14:03
  there, you know? And they're just like, why?
• 14:05
  Well, it's embarrassing. You got to explain to them that
• 14:08
  you're banned. And then of course, you have to
• 14:10
  explain why. Even if it's a stupid reason,
• 14:14
  it's annoying to have to do that over and over again.
• 14:17
  It's really a good old boy system.
• 14:19
  Yeah, it really is. Yeah, it is.
• 14:22
  There are entire groups out there that exists for the sole
• 14:26
  purpose of purportedly educating and warning new people about
• 14:31
  dangerous people and dangerous places.
• 14:34
  Do I really need to go into why that's a problem?
• 14:38
  OK. Yeah, it's so true.
• 14:39
  Joe Blow over here starts a group and names it Super Safe
• 14:44
  Super Secret Squirrel Clubhouse for newbies, and people go
• 14:47
  thinking, all right, well, I'm dipping my toe in this.
• 14:50
  I guess it can't be blamed for exploring.
• 14:52
  Oh, and you don't know anything about this guy?
• 14:54
  The SSP. The SSP?
• 14:58
  Yeah, Super Squirrel House. Sure.
• 15:00
  Yeah, House, you don't know anything about the guy that's
• 15:03
  running it. All you know is you're new, you,
• 15:06
  you want to make friends, you're trying to stay on everyone's
• 15:09
  good side, you're putting your best foot forward and you get
• 15:11
  some guy who claims to have been doing this longer than you've
• 15:14
  been alive more than likely. And they tell you, hey, you
• 15:18
  know, I just want to give you the heads up.
• 15:20
  There are a few places around here that really aren't safe.
• 15:23
  I'm just looking out for you. I don't think you should go to
• 15:26
  so and So's party. They've been known to do a whole
• 15:29
  lot of fucked up shit. And at that point, most people
• 15:32
  are just like mentally checked out.
• 15:34
  They've already decided I'm not going because this person who
• 15:37
  knows more than me knows more than me.
• 15:39
  So there isn't even a check on credibility.
• 15:42
  There's just well, but why would they lie to me?
• 15:44
  So what do you? Suggest people as starting off
• 15:46
  in this lifestyle because I always tell people, you know, go
• 15:49
  to every event, go to every munch or every venue just so you
• 15:52
  can find your people. I mean just to kind of explore
• 15:55
  it all. This only exists because people
• 15:57
  let it. Yeah, absolutely.
• 15:59
  That's it. It people like people can say
• 16:00
  whatever they want about you or a space, but if nobody listens
• 16:05
  to it and they form their own opinion, it really it doesn't
• 16:08
  have any teeth. OK, So what I suggest to people
• 16:11
  who are new or you know, semi new, you're still kind of
• 16:13
  figuring it out because you're in and out is you need to
• 16:17
  operate with the idea that you're not always being told the
• 16:20
  truth. OK, sexually deviant strangers
• 16:23
  are not altruistic. They don't care about you the
• 16:26
  way you know your family or your best friend will care about you.
• 16:29
  They have a motive. The question you need to ask
• 16:32
  yourself is what is that motive? And then you'll get down to the
• 16:35
  bottom. What is this lie?
• 16:37
  And why am I being lied to? OK, so if you're being told some
• 16:40
  place is not safe, person claiming it, what happened?
• 16:42
  Were they kicked out? Are they an ex of the of the
• 16:45
  person that's hosting the event? And I mean, if you have your
• 16:48
  doubts, Here's the thing. People don't seem to realize
• 16:50
  this. I don't know why.
• 16:51
  You can form your own opinion. It's fine.
• 16:53
  Like, you can go and explore. You don't have to go alone.
• 16:56
  Go with a buddy, go with your partner.
• 16:58
  Yeah, no one's telling you go take unnecessary risks and be
• 17:01
  stupid. I'm saying go to everything,
• 17:05
  talk to everyone and form your own opinion.
• 17:08
  You can always pull back your presence.
• 17:11
  You can always pull back your association, OK, But once you
• 17:14
  start getting into the picking sides and writing certain places
• 17:19
  and people off, the only thing you're probably doing really is
• 17:22
  limiting yourself. OK?
• 17:24
  From a selfish perspective, that's what I'm proposing to
• 17:26
  you. You're limiting yourself.
• 17:28
  Now from a more communal perspective, you're probably
• 17:30
  contributing to bullying somebody.
• 17:32
  That's all it is, just high school bullshit.
• 17:35
  Always. Really.
• 17:36
  You don't need to be contributing to that.
• 17:38
  It doesn't matter if you know the person being bullied or not.
• 17:41
  Point is, this kind of behavior does not belong and you have
• 17:45
  full power to not allow it. Be here.
• 17:47
  Don't have to participate. Someone pressures you into
• 17:50
  taking aside or taking certain action.
• 17:52
  You can politely excuse yourself from the conversation or you can
• 17:56
  draw a boundary in the ground. Say listen I I don't feel
• 17:58
  comfortable talking about this. You can always give a boundary
• 18:02
  OK? Until you form your own opinion,
• 18:04
  you don't have to take any action.
• 18:06
  I don't know why that's such an abstract concept.
• 18:10
  Know why people don't do it. But I see it all the time.
• 18:12
  People come up to me and tell me so.
• 18:14
  And so it's not safe. I just log it away as data and I
• 18:17
  go, all right, well, I'm going to just, you know, be cautious
• 18:20
  about it, but also make my own opinion.
• 18:23
  And that's really all you can do.
• 18:25
  Again, I don't the only thing I can think of.
• 18:27
  OK, just just for nuance of conversation.
• 18:30
  Yes, why would anyone go through with it now?
• 18:33
  Why? I had a theory about this.
• 18:35
  OK, OK, I do not believe so many people are so ignorant.
• 18:39
  I don't believe it. I have a hard time believing it.
• 18:41
  OK, we all went through high school.
• 18:43
  Theoretically. OK, we all went through high
• 18:45
  school. We all know the game of
• 18:46
  telephone. We know how rumors were.
• 18:48
  I really believe sometimes this is just weaponized ignorant.
• 18:51
  So it's harder if you're in a smaller community.
• 18:55
  OK, I'm not going to understand this because, look, I'm not
• 18:57
  trying to take like a, a moralistic approach to this, OK?
• 19:01
  There is a very practical reason why I'm saying this.
• 19:04
  It's because, you know, you burn bridges with Joe Blow, OK?
• 19:08
  What you don't know about Joe Blow is he's fucking the other
• 19:11
  event organizer. Oh God, yeah.
• 19:13
  That you're trying to appeal to. You don't know it because
• 19:16
  they're not publicizing it. They're not talking about it.
• 19:19
  Sure. And I'm saying, so you wrote
• 19:20
  this guy off and now this event organizer that he's chummy with
• 19:24
  knows what the hell you're about.
• 19:26
  OK, we can go even further and say Joe Blow is also, you know,
• 19:30
  what they call chosen family With one group or another?
• 19:35
  We see all this incestuous nonsense in just about every
• 19:39
  fucking community. I like the incestuous part.
• 19:41
  Were you talking about it? Right.
• 19:42
  And so next thing you know, just because you wanted to burn
• 19:46
  bridges with this person, just because you can just fine, you
• 19:49
  can do it, but it's OK. But just because you can, and
• 19:52
  you did so foolishly and so carelessly, you find out this
• 19:55
  person now can get you banned somewhere because they can say
• 19:59
  he's just not a safe person. They can get you excluded from
• 20:02
  any potential of getting into, like you said, a leather family.
• 20:05
  Because all these leather families, so-called leather
• 20:08
  families, they all talk to each other.
• 20:09
  You can't convince me they don't.
• 20:11
  Oh, they do. OK.
• 20:12
  So this. So if you grow up one day and
• 20:14
  say I want to get into leather trust they're going to remember
• 20:17
  you from years ago. Oh yeah, as petty as they are.
• 20:21
  OK. And the other thing you don't
• 20:23
  know is Joe Blow is also probably casually playing with
• 20:27
  the person you're crushing on, so now he's able to cock block
• 20:30
  you. OK, so so all this because you
• 20:33
  couldn't just avoid the person, be civil and leave them the fuck
• 20:37
  alone, All of it. It's like shooting yourself in
• 20:39
  the foot and then finding out you have to chop your entire leg
• 20:42
  off because you allowed it to become gangrene.
• 20:46
  It is fucking ridiculous. In my opinion, it is.
• 20:51
  It's fucking. Ridiculous.
• 20:52
  I think we're deterring a lot of people from.
• 20:55
  Johnny, listen, no, they don't need to.
• 20:57
  I'm just saying, OK, look, a great way to put this is, you
• 21:02
  know how they say when you go for a job interview, always be
• 21:05
  nice to the receptionist. Yeah, probably because the
• 21:08
  receptionist has a fucking voice.
• 21:09
  And whether or not you get hired.
• 21:11
  Oh, absolutely. I'm not saying oh, boohoo, poor
• 21:14
  assholes, they can't gain access to places they don't belong.
• 21:17
  I'm not saying that. I'm saying just treat it like
• 21:19
  that. Be cognizant the idea you're
• 21:21
  getting into an environment where everybody you bump into
• 21:25
  could potentially be in a dynamic you know nothing about.
• 21:28
  Absolutely. So don't shit where you eat.
• 21:31
  No, but for real, that was actually a very tough lesson for
• 21:34
  me to learn when I was now, I also didn't understand the inner
• 21:38
  workings of any of this, you know, who to talk to, who to
• 21:41
  kind of be wary of, who to trust, who not to trust.
• 21:44
  You know, all these really crazy social machinations can be
• 21:48
  nauseating at times. So I'm just saying just be aware
• 21:51
  because today's nobody hate to use that term, but honestly,
• 21:55
  someone who's not organizing events, they're not helping with
• 21:58
  events, they're not doing demos, they're not a guest speaker.
• 22:01
  Today's, we'll say casual guest. OK.
• 22:03
  Today's casual guest is very likely tomorrow's event
• 22:06
  organizer. Yeah, very much so, because.
• 22:08
  It's again no checks and balances anyone can organize.
• 22:11
  Absolutely. Absolutely.
• 22:13
  Well, that's exciting, isn't it? I'm not trying to.
• 22:15
  Deter people. I know it sounds.
• 22:18
  I know it sounds like doom and gloom.
• 22:20
  That's not the point of this. No, no.
• 22:22
  I just like to talk about topics that are a little more serious
• 22:26
  because I feel like, you know, I would have liked the heads up
• 22:29
  when I was. New.
• 22:29
  Absolutely. I mean, I really wish someone
• 22:32
  did take me aside and say, hey, you know, kind of maybe optimize
• 22:37
  the way you're viewing this and carry on smartly, OK?
• 22:41
  A lot of people just don't know how to do that and they don't
• 22:44
  know how to play the game because it is.
• 22:45
  It's absolutely a game. You know, it's not to deter
• 22:48
  people. I'm just saying, you know, get
• 22:50
  in it. Make friends.
• 22:51
  That's the important point in that too, is make friends.
• 22:54
  Go be friendly, be approachable. I'm not pleased.
• 22:58
  Do not spill your guts about everything about yourself.
• 23:00
  That's just not safe for you. But be open and transparent as
• 23:04
  much as you're comfortable being.
• 23:05
  I think that's a great, great way to go about it.
• 23:08
  If not, you know, try to get to know the event organizer.
• 23:11
  Meet up with them one day, go to their munch.
• 23:12
  Go meet up with them one-on-one sometime.
• 23:14
  Just let them know who you are. Go and rape Susie Q over there.
• 23:20
  OK. I'm not saying yeah.
• 23:23
  And I'm not saying there aren't some people who who come off
• 23:26
  like stand up individuals who who don't rape you.
• 23:28
  I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you kind of
• 23:30
  increase your odds. I'm not falling victim to this.
• 23:33
  People actually know who you are.
• 23:35
  Yeah. And that was the issue for me as
• 23:38
  I was closed off. Just think twice about it.
• 23:41
  Just just understand there's probably a motive.
• 23:43
  And the word safety or consent is really loaded.
• 23:47
  It depends on who's talking about it, what that definition
• 23:51
  entails. Just investigate a little
• 23:53
  further into whatever story you're told.
• 23:55
  Either that or stay out of it. Stay out of You don't have to
• 23:57
  have an opinion on every single story you're told.
• 24:00
  Remember those days when. Oh, absolutely.
• 24:02
  We had the option to not have a fucking opinion.
• 24:05
  Absolutely now, everybody. Absolutely.
• 24:08
  Have an opinion? God, all the assholes opinions
• 24:12
  are like assholes. Amazing.
• 24:16
  Wow. Okay, well.
• 24:18
  Sorry, I guess that was a little draining.
• 24:20
  No, no, no. It's just, it's, it's
• 24:24
  informative. And I think that new people
• 24:27
  always ask me what should I do? Where should I go?
• 24:29
  And quite truthfully, it my biggest thing is, and you've
• 24:32
  said it in so many ways, is the simple fact that don't entrust a
• 24:37
  public figure just because you think they're safe or they've
• 24:40
  made a good impression funny. Observation on that?
• 24:43
  Yes, there's a hilarious observation on that, ironically,
• 24:46
  I've noticed. Maybe it's just me, OK, I notice
• 24:50
  the people who are loudest about safety and consent and go as far
• 24:54
  as being guest speakers at one event or another.
• 24:57
  They're kind of not the best when it comes to safety.
• 24:59
  Or not at all. They're not.
• 25:02
  I mean, I don't mean to be, you know, negative and say everybody
• 25:06
  is like that. Yeah, I'm just saying don't
• 25:09
  blindly trust. Oh yeah, absolutely.
• 25:13
  Because you have to ask yourself, who put them there?
• 25:15
  Who made them a speaker on the topic?
• 25:17
  Oh, their buddy who happens to be hosting a party at their
• 25:21
  house. So that's their only
• 25:22
  credentials. Yeah, that's it.
• 25:24
  That that's who you're listening to.
• 25:25
  Amazing, isn't it? Well, Kit, thanks for coming on.
• 25:29
  I think we've covered a lot of it.
• 25:30
  I think it's pretty good. I think that that people need
• 25:33
  some good insight. And like you said, I know I get
• 25:34
  silly and we talk about crazy stuff, but some serious topics
• 25:38
  doesn't hurt. So that's just that's tea time
• 25:40
  with Mia. Tea time.
• 25:44
  It's so crazy because all we want to do is do a little BDSM
• 25:48
  and fuck and you have to worry about fucking assholes ruining
• 25:52
  it for us. Well.
• 25:53
  People get their feelings hurt, and you know, The thing is, is
• 25:56
  they can't take you to court. They can't beat your ass.
• 25:59
  They can't get you banned. So what do they do?
• 26:00
  They wreck your reputation. If they can't get retribution
• 26:04
  any other way, God damn it, they're going to get retribution
• 26:07
  that way. The high school way.
• 26:09
  Fuck yeah. Rebuke.
• 26:11
  All right, all right. So until then, this has been the
• 26:16
  latest episode of Call Me Mistress.