Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #78 Boundaries and the Three E’s

Transcript

#78 Boundaries and the Three E’s · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 1: We are lukin, Susie, and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers. Now.
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  Speaker 2: We're so thankful to everybody who's written some questions through
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  Speaker 2: to the show. Doctor Justin Coilson's going to be joining
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  Speaker 2: us shortly to answer three people's question in one go.
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  Speaker 2: We think they're themed enough to be able to get
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  Speaker 2: that all hit out in one session.
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  Speaker 3: That's the goal song I'm going to do it in.
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  Speaker 1: So that's amazing. Can't be your backup answer. It's all
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  Speaker 1: about boundaries. It's all about getting our kids, teenagers in particular,
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  Speaker 1: to do us. They're darn well told Susie.
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  Speaker 2: Doctor Dustin Coulson is joining us in the studio as
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  Speaker 2: we answer questions that have come through from Sandra, from
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  Speaker 2: nemin and from Amy who said, asked about boundaries.
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  Speaker 1: So let's look at all these individual questions.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: Sandra said, enforcing boundaries for eighteen year olds is something
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  Speaker 2: she'd like to discuss.
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  Speaker 1: The mean says, what strategies can you adopt to get
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  Speaker 1: an eleven year old to put down the iPad without
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  Speaker 1: saying because.
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  Speaker 2: I've had and Amy's after any thing helpful for teenagers,
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  Speaker 2: just after what boundaries worked and what didn't.
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  Speaker 1: Yep, So doctor Justin Gilson all this together because it's
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  Speaker 1: about boundaries. It's about getting our teenagers to understand the
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  Speaker 1: right thing to do, to be responsive to it without
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  Speaker 1: us having to lose our mind and our hair at
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  Speaker 1: the same time.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so I'm going to ask you to do something,
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  Speaker 3: and if you're driving, this is going to be hard.
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  Speaker 3: But draw a house for me. Okay, grab a pen,
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  Speaker 3: grab a paper. There we go. Susie's getting hers out
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  Speaker 3: right now. Luke, you're being creative on the computer. That's extraordinary.
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  Speaker 3: So I do this all the time. When people are saying, look,
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  Speaker 3: we're having discipline problems, we're having limits setting problems, we're
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  Speaker 3: having boundary problems. The first thing I say is could
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  Speaker 3: you please draw a picture of a house? And Susie,
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  Speaker 3: could you just show me your picture? And by the way,
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  Speaker 3: if you're driving, don't draw a house. Just do it
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  Speaker 3: in your head. It can be dangerous to do it.
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  Speaker 3: Susie's done what pretty much one hundred percent of people
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  Speaker 3: do when I ask for this, And Luke, I'm watching
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  Speaker 3: what you're doing on the computer, and it's the same.
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  Speaker 3: It's a square with a triangle on top, and a
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  Speaker 3: couple of windows with crosses in them, and a rectangular door.
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  Speaker 3: And you've both even drawn the chimney with the smoke
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  Speaker 3: coming up. We live in Australia, nobody has especially with
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  Speaker 3: I mean, okay, some people have chimneys. But why are
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  Speaker 3: we drawing the same house that we drew when we
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  Speaker 3: were six?
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  Speaker 1: Oh? Come on, that just makes my art feel bad. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: well it's a very good point. That is my six
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  Speaker 1: year old house.
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  Speaker 3: And because you did it on the computer, it actually
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  Speaker 3: looks like a six year old drew it. Why are
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  Speaker 3: we drawing the same house that we drew? And six
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  Speaker 3: and people who are in the car right now you
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  Speaker 3: know your head you picture the same thing. A couple
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  Speaker 3: of quick answers. What have you got for me?
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  Speaker 1: I haven't ever grown up.
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  Speaker 2: My artistic skills really haven't progressed since.
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  Speaker 3: I so we've got lack of maturity and lack of talent.
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  Speaker 3: Why else.
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  Speaker 2: It's quick and easy.
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  Speaker 3: It's quick, it's easy. There's super answers. Can you think
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  Speaker 3: of one or two more?
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  Speaker 1: Because it's it's just the trigger, like that's just drawing
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  Speaker 1: a house that's just whatever does is.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Now, now, one time, I mean I've done this
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  Speaker 3: activity with probably thirty or forty thousand parents over the years.
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  Speaker 3: One time somebody drew a gorgeous home in the same
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  Speaker 3: amount of time that I gave you, and I said,
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  Speaker 3: my goodness, how did you do that? And he smiled
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  Speaker 3: and said, I'm an architect because he's actually developed the
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  Speaker 3: skill and he sees things differently. Now, we discipline our
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  Speaker 3: kids the same way that we draw houses, whether they're
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  Speaker 3: teenagers or toddlers. You think about it, we go for
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  Speaker 3: what's quick and easy. We do it because we don't
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  Speaker 3: have any better skills. We just haven't grown up. And
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  Speaker 3: when you think about discipline, what's the average Australian parent
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  Speaker 3: think when they think about discipline.
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  Speaker 2: Taking something away, putting him in time.
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  Speaker 3: Out, yelling, smacking, with drawing, privileges, time out, okay, And
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  Speaker 3: all of those things are the quick, easy option where
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  Speaker 3: you don't need any perspective, you don't need any compassion,
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  Speaker 3: you don't need an understanding. You're basically saying, I'm the parent,
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  Speaker 3: damn it, do as I say.
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  Speaker 1: And it would it be fair to say that there
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  Speaker 1: are times both in house drawing, and in disciplining our
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  Speaker 1: children and getting to do a say where the quick
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  Speaker 1: option is the best option if they're about to get
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  Speaker 1: hit by a car. To yell at them to stop
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  Speaker 1: walking out on the street might be the quick option,
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  Speaker 1: but the appropriate one if you're playing Sure, if you're
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  Speaker 1: playing the drawing game the dictionary, that picture of a
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  Speaker 1: house is probably you.
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  Speaker 3: Were doing that. You were drawing, and I was like, Dictionary,
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  Speaker 3: I got it. Yes, But let's be really clear. It's
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  Speaker 3: one thing to yell at the child because they're about
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  Speaker 3: to get hit by a car. It's another thing altogether
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  Speaker 3: to hit them because they're about to beget That doesn't
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  Speaker 3: make sense. You know, there's no need for us to
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  Speaker 3: be hitting our kids or disciplining them in that way.
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  Speaker 3: So I want to give you the three e's of
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  Speaker 3: effective discipline, but I know times against us. So before
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  Speaker 3: we pause for just a second, then I give you
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  Speaker 3: the absolute best answer that there is. We just need
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  Speaker 3: to highlight what discipline is. See, most parents look at
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  Speaker 3: discipline as punishment. I've got to hurt my child because
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  Speaker 3: they've done something I don't like, and that will teach
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  Speaker 3: them a lesson. Doesn't work. The root of discipline comes
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  Speaker 3: from the Latin discipliner, which means teach, guide, instruct. So
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  Speaker 3: when you look at all those discipline strategies, the time out,
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  Speaker 3: the smacking, the yelling, the withdrawing of privileges, all that
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  Speaker 3: sort of stuff, what does that teach God and instruct
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  Speaker 3: our children in? It teaches them to be a bully.
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  Speaker 3: We can do better than that. Teaching, guiding, and instructing.
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  Speaker 3: That's what the three ees of effective discipline are about.
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  Speaker 3: And it's the only discipline strategy I teach now because
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  Speaker 3: it's the best there is.
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  Speaker 2: You have promised us three ease.
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  Speaker 3: The three ease of effective discipline, so that you don't
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  Speaker 3: have to lose your cool. And they call it explain,
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  Speaker 3: explore and empower. Let me say it again, slowly, explain, explore,
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  Speaker 3: empower And it works like this. Imagine that the air
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  Speaker 3: conditioner was on and your kids keep on running in
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  Speaker 3: and out of the house and leaving the door open. Now,
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  Speaker 3: the typical parent thing to do is say would you
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  Speaker 3: close the door? You just said it, without even being prompted.
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  Speaker 3: It's just would you just shut the door? And that's
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  Speaker 3: kind of it. And they'll say, but why, You're like,
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  Speaker 3: because I said so because the air conditioning's on. But
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  Speaker 3: that doesn't really explain things clearly, especially for a child,
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  Speaker 3: but sometimes even for an adult. Imagine if you did this, Hey, kids,
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  Speaker 3: come here for a sec. Every time you're running and
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  Speaker 3: out of the house, you leave the door open, and
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  Speaker 3: it does a couple of things that concern me. Number one,
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  Speaker 3: and let's the flies in, and you know how I
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  Speaker 3: feel about flies. But number two, we've got the air
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  Speaker 3: conditioner going, and the air conditioner doesn't keep the house
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  Speaker 3: warm or cool or whatever unless the doors are closed.
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  Speaker 3: Would you keep the doors closed for me? Now? Even
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  Speaker 3: better than that, because once you start talking to the kids,
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  Speaker 3: you know what they do. They're like, booh, they're talking
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  Speaker 3: at me. Always do this. You can get them to
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  Speaker 3: explain it to you. Hey, kids, I need to chat
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  Speaker 3: with you for a sec. You keep running in and
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  Speaker 3: out and leaving the door open. I've got a couple
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  Speaker 3: of reasons that that's concerning me. Can you think of
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  Speaker 3: why that might be? You get them to explain it
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  Speaker 3: to you. That's explain. Next is explain. This is where
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  Speaker 3: we try to get what's going on for our kids.
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  Speaker 3: So let's say we've got a bag magnet in our house.
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  Speaker 3: When our kids walk in the door after school, the
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  Speaker 3: bag magnet quite literally sucks the bag off their shoulders
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  Speaker 3: that lands right in the doorway.
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  Speaker 1: What a horrible place to have the bag mane no.
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  Speaker 3: One as well. I think they come standard with most
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  Speaker 3: early and so the kids they just drop their bag
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  Speaker 3: in the doorway. Now I can explain until I'm blue
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  Speaker 3: in the face, or I can get them to explain
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  Speaker 3: it to me. But it's also helpful to explore. So
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  Speaker 3: I might say, I've noticed it every day when we
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  Speaker 3: get home, you drop your bag in the doorway. Why
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  Speaker 3: do you do that? Help me to understand why it's
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  Speaker 3: important for you that you leave your bag where we
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  Speaker 3: can tread it on a trip on it and lose things.
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  Speaker 3: And we get to have a conversation where they're like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: because when I get home, I'm busting go to the toilet,
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  Speaker 3: or i need food, or I'm distracted with this, and
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  Speaker 3: we get to explore what's going on. And at that
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  Speaker 3: point we move to empower, which is where we say,
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  Speaker 3: all right, so you understand what's important to me because
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  Speaker 3: I've explained that clearly, or you've explained it to me anyway,
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  Speaker 3: I understand. I've explored what's going on for you, So
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  Speaker 3: let me empower you. If you are making the rules,
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  Speaker 3: what would you do to make this right so that
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  Speaker 3: everyone was happy? And so we give it to our kids. Now,
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  Speaker 3: this works with teenagers, It works with boys with Fortnite,
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  Speaker 3: it works with girls with social media, It works with curfews,
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  Speaker 3: it works with parties, it works with homework. We explain,
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  Speaker 3: we explore, we empower. If it doesn't work, then every
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  Speaker 3: now and again we have to say, look, as the parent,
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  Speaker 3: I've given you plenty of opportunities. It's not working. I'm
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  Speaker 3: going to have to take control. And kids respond better
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  Speaker 3: to us being controlling when we've gone through this process
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  Speaker 3: than if we just step in and say I've.
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  Speaker 2: Had it up. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think sometimes though, there's a little bit of
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  Speaker 1: therapy in being arbitrary and just screaming for you know,
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  Speaker 1: for unexplained reasons. I think sometimes it makes us feel good.
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  Speaker 1: Now on the Bag Magnet series, I think I feel
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  Speaker 1: like recently we've given up on fighting the bag magnet.
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  Speaker 1: We've just put the bag box right near the door box,
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  Speaker 1: so we just kick it over a little bit. It'll
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  Speaker 1: just naturally fall into the bag.
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  Speaker 3: And you know, it took it's taken years from my
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  Speaker 3: kids to to put their bags away. But some parents
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  Speaker 3: will say, I shouldn't have to talk to them about
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  Speaker 3: this every day, shouldn't have to explain, explore and power
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  Speaker 3: every day. They should just get it. And at that
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  Speaker 3: point I sort of say, well, is there anything that
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  Speaker 3: you look ever have to be reminded of by Susie. Hey,
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  Speaker 3: we don't have time.
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  Speaker 1: We don't have time to explore that question.
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  Speaker 3: I need to end this, explain.
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  Speaker 1: Actually all in all, honestly, we had a marriage conversation
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  Speaker 1: about something that I'm consistently not doing or doing that
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  Speaker 1: makes Susie unhappy. And and we did this explain, explore,
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  Speaker 1: and empowered, and part of it said I need to
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  Speaker 1: be reminded of that it's not fair line that she
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  Speaker 1: just said. And that's because that was the explain. That
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  Speaker 1: was she she was telling me how she felt that
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  Speaker 1: it's not fair that I didn't do this, and and
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  Speaker 1: and that mattered to me. And that's my little trigger
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  Speaker 1: in my little reminder now to empower me to to
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  Speaker 1: make better decison down the track.
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  Speaker 3: I am, I am a child, but you're a change child.
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  Speaker 2: Either that or maybe we just need to accept that
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  Speaker 2: our children are humans and treat them as such.
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Wilson from Justinkilson dot com dot you thanks,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: thanks a.
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: Lot, great to do with you.
• 10:17
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• 10:19
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• 10:22
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• 10:25
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• 10:30
  Speaker 2: episode as soon as it is uploaded. For more information
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if
• 10:39
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• 10:41
  Speaker 2: school or event, go to Justin Coulson dot com