Latest / Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface / Kaleidoscope PBTS: E2b | Blood, Bonds, and Breakthrough (The Quiet Little Doll)

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Kaleidoscope PBTS: E2b | Blood, Bonds, and Breakthrough (The Quiet Little Doll) · Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface

• 0:02
  Hi, welcome to Kaleidoscope, episode 2, part
• 0:05
  B. Part A was already pretty deep, and it ended
• 0:11
  on the words, I ran out of candles. These words
• 0:15
  hint at the deeper struggles of identity and
• 0:19
  the fear of facing something unknown. In part
• 0:22
  B, we hear Roldia's prompt, and we place our
• 0:28
  hearts on the table. Join us to see what happens.
• 0:34
  Welcome to Kaleidoscope. That's my answer. I'm
• 0:46
  not going to elaborate. I'm joking. I mentioned
• 0:53
  the cave earlier and the cave -in. I'm not sure
• 0:58
  when... when the cave -in happened or happened
• 1:04
  over which cave -in it was, there were multiple
• 1:07
  over time. But the thing is, you don't know that
• 1:12
  you're in a cave. Or you know that you're in
• 1:15
  a cave, but you don't know that there's an outside.
• 1:17
  And you have unlimited candles. And as... When
• 1:26
  the first cave -in happened... I was so scared
• 1:31
  of the shaft of sunlight that I just lit more
• 1:36
  candles, enough candles to, just like what Raldia
• 1:41
  is kind of doing, to blind out the light. So
• 1:47
  many candles because I had unlimited. The thing,
• 1:51
  like in my little room where I had this shaft
• 1:55
  of light and all my candles. What you don't know
• 1:59
  is that the rest of your people around you, they
• 2:05
  all have doors in their rooms and they can go
• 2:08
  out. So anyway, for me, eventually I ran out
• 2:15
  of candles. Those candles were a myriad of things.
• 2:22
  Most of them linked to a masculine gender identity.
• 2:28
  Like going to an all -boys school, trying to
• 2:32
  marry early, thinking or insisting that I want
• 2:38
  kids and that I would be a good father, which
• 2:43
  I would have been, but I would have been an even
• 2:49
  better mother. And thinking that... All of these
• 2:56
  things I had to do in order to maintain that.
• 3:00
  And eventually, I just ran out of steam. When
• 3:05
  you have no candles, you must go into the light.
• 3:09
  And that's what happened. That's such a beautiful
• 3:13
  metaphor, Obie. It is. It is. I actually thought
• 3:18
  when you said, I ran out of candles, it was kind
• 3:22
  of like you ran out of patience for people, too.
• 3:25
  Nah. It's all internal. I was sexually deviant.
• 3:37
  If people talk about body counts, mine is horrendous.
• 3:43
  And I lived through Every experience that I had,
• 3:53
  my life was vicarious at best. Even with my wife
• 4:01
  now. She knows about this. I won't be with her.
• 4:09
  I don't like saying this because it sounds like
• 4:14
  a cliche. But it's also... It's a true cliche.
• 4:19
  It just shouldn't be misconstrued as being in
• 4:25
  the wrong body. But I fantasized as myself being
• 4:30
  a woman, like changing places. I thought that
• 4:39
  was normal for most of my life. That's why it
• 4:41
  was a candle. It's just normal. It's normal for
• 4:45
  you to... go out and think, oh, what a beautiful
• 4:49
  dress. I wish I could wear that. It sounds completely
• 4:54
  stupid now, saying that, but that's how I felt.
• 4:58
  I would go on a date with someone with a beautiful
• 5:02
  dress and I wanted to wear that dress for 35
• 5:08
  years of my life. And now finally I'm wearing
• 5:11
  a dress. Yeah. But that makes so much sense now.
• 5:17
  I think when we are just within ourselves, because
• 5:21
  the only experience we know is our experience,
• 5:24
  then it's like, oh, you know, this is normal.
• 5:28
  Probably everybody thinks this. Yeah, exactly.
• 5:30
  Right? Like, nobody thinks anything else. Yeah.
• 5:33
  Like, oh my gosh, look at that outfit. It's the
• 5:35
  same. Like, journey of people is the same. Yeah.
• 5:41
  Yeah, there's this one movie that my friend,
• 5:45
  shared with us in this other group chat right
• 5:47
  it's called uh but i'm a cheerleader i think
• 5:50
  it's called something like that and it's about
• 5:52
  this girl who is in a very religious family you
• 5:57
  know all american type of girl cheerleader has
• 6:00
  a boyfriend has been had that boyfriend he's
• 6:02
  a quarterback the most cliche american things
• 6:07
  that you can think of that's what she was um
• 6:11
  and then but i guess she is discovering that
• 6:16
  she likes girls right so her family being a very
• 6:21
  you know christian family send her to a camp
• 6:23
  um and she's having her first little group therapy
• 6:27
  and she's like but everybody thinks that everybody
• 6:29
  looks at girls and thinks oh look at her butt
• 6:32
  it's so nice but everybody you know everybody
• 6:34
  thinks this is as if and that's what that reminded
• 6:38
  me it's like because we are all in our own brains
• 6:41
  and our own thoughts we all think This is normal.
• 6:44
  This is how everybody is. Everybody has these
• 6:48
  thoughts. Like, there's nothing wrong with it.
• 6:51
  And I think it comes because we want to hide
• 6:56
  ourselves so much and fit into those boxes, I
• 7:00
  guess, that we do that to ourselves versus trying
• 7:07
  to understand what, rather than what I said earlier,
• 7:09
  the root of a cause, right? What is the root?
• 7:12
  Where is the stomach from? Where is this coming
• 7:15
  from? Knowing that it's coming from somewhere.
• 7:19
  That's the first step. Like understanding that
• 7:22
  there is a root. Thank you. Whatever, however
• 7:35
  dark it is. One of my favorite quotes right now
• 7:39
  is by Alexander Dumas from The Count of Monte
• 7:43
  Cristo. There is no such thing as happiness in
• 7:46
  the world, only the comparison of one state with
• 7:49
  another. You must have felt what it is to die
• 7:56
  to be able to experience supreme happiness. So...
• 8:03
  Yeah. We must know the lowest to be able to appreciate
• 8:09
  anything. Yeah, the joy that I feel now when
• 8:11
  I wake up in the morning and I'm like, oh, it's
• 8:14
  another day. I go, whoa, I'm a girl. It's worth
• 8:18
  it. Oh, I love that. I love that. I love that.
• 8:26
  Yeah, exactly. It just showcases That nothing
• 8:36
  should really be taken for granted too, though.
• 8:38
  Like, you have worked so hard for this that every
• 8:43
  day you should feel that level of appreciation.
• 8:46
  Every little barrier, like you were talking about
• 8:49
  the doctor, right? Every little thing like that
• 8:51
  should be celebrated because it's amazing. All
• 8:54
  of it is. And I know I sound very uppity and
• 8:58
  positive and all this, but trust me, I have been
• 9:02
  in the darkest. darkest points of where anybody
• 9:06
  can be. And because I've been there is why I
• 9:11
  can appreciate the sunlight on my face. Yeah.
• 9:16
  And you just have to keep doing that. Every day.
• 9:20
  It's a reminder. Every day. You have to remind
• 9:22
  yourself every day. I think it's a choice, you
• 9:26
  know. And some people are sad. It's just like
• 9:29
  a state. I don't think, it's not a state, it's
• 9:33
  a choice. It is. You know, if you acknowledge
• 9:38
  that there is, like, there are low points and
• 9:42
  high points in your life, right? But they're
• 9:45
  not states. They're constantly transforming.
• 9:50
  They're going up and down, up and down, up and
• 9:53
  down. And it is a choice whether you want to
• 9:57
  go through the down, right? Very smoothly. And
• 10:02
  it applies as well for the up. Because. Even
• 10:07
  for the ups. Too much of a good thing. Can be
• 10:12
  a bad thing. You know. That's true. But I want
• 10:15
  to say. When I was talking earlier. It sounded
• 10:22
  like. Maybe I regret my past. I don't. I don't
• 10:27
  think that. That anything that I did was done
• 10:32
  in a negative light or caused harm. Yeah. Like,
• 10:39
  overtly and anything other than incidental hurt
• 10:46
  to anyone, including myself. Right. Everything
• 10:51
  was benign and joyful. Like, I did not have a
• 10:57
  bad life. I was... I know now that I was depressed,
• 11:00
  but it manifested in ways that were mostly positive.
• 11:08
  Yeah. You know, I would love to live in a world
• 11:11
  where people get to do whatever the hell they
• 11:14
  want. If men wake up one day and they want to
• 11:20
  go buy that pretty dress and wear it, go for
• 11:27
  it. Go ahead. Do whatever. Express yourself.
• 11:32
  Express yourself. Know yourself. Like in every
• 11:37
  stage of your life. It's literally a background.
• 11:47
  It's how we express ourselves. Exactly. Exactly.
• 11:52
  If women one day want to dress Like a man, I
• 11:58
  don't know, want to do whatever they thought
• 12:00
  they could not do because they're just women,
• 12:03
  right? Do that. Do that. And I would love for
• 12:08
  it to be normal, right? Because it's not affecting
• 12:11
  anybody. Like, whatever it takes to affect that,
• 12:14
  it's just like, they just want to say something.
• 12:16
  They just want to put their opinion on it. And
• 12:21
  this definitely needs their opinion, you know?
• 12:26
  No, it does not. Of course. Yeah. Oh, go ahead.
• 12:34
  No, you wanted to say something, because I'm
• 12:36
  about to move on to the next two worlds. Yeah,
• 12:40
  I was just going to agree. I was going to say,
• 12:41
  wouldn't that be a lovely world? Yeah. Yeah.
• 12:48
  Down with the matriarchy, up with the matriarchy,
• 12:51
  because that's the world we want to know. Yep.
• 12:57
  Yes, yes, yes, 100%. I would not go the other,
• 13:00
  like, the other extreme, to be honest. I just
• 13:05
  like, you know, maybe in the middle, you know,
• 13:08
  it's just like everybody in the middle is happy.
• 13:10
  I think there are also a lot of issues, you know,
• 13:16
  with how women think and how women present themselves
• 13:21
  and stuff like that. I don't feel. On the other
• 13:25
  side, is that good? I think there's a lot of
• 13:29
  work that needs to be done. That's true. Fanaticism,
• 13:32
  I've said it a few times in our chat, purists
• 13:37
  are the downfall of. Exactly. You need to accept
• 13:44
  the mix. Otherwise, life is doomed. Raldia, prompt
• 13:53
  us. Yeah, I'm going to read this because I wrote
• 13:59
  it down and I had like... So, I'm sorry, I'm
• 14:05
  going to... I'm down half a bottle as well. It's
• 14:12
  a good conversation. I'm loving it so far. Yes.
• 14:15
  Okay, so my prompt is, my text is, growing up...
• 14:22
  My environment lacked consistency emotionally,
• 14:25
  in daily activities, and in routines. The few
• 14:29
  things I tried to be consistent in were either
• 14:32
  dismissed as pointless or met with criticism,
• 14:36
  which created a deep anxiety around consistency
• 14:39
  itself. As an adult, this anxiety has made me
• 14:44
  adaptable and open to new experiences, but it
• 14:48
  has also made commitment and routine feel suffocating
• 14:51
  like a chore yet i've come to realize that consistency
• 14:56
  and structure can provide peace of mind now i
• 15:00
  want to explore how i can reshape my emotional
• 15:04
  response to consistency so it feels like a source
• 15:07
  of stability rather than restriction yeah That
• 15:15
  is what I wanted to express today in this podcast
• 15:18
  because I think that is the biggest thing that
• 15:20
  I'm dealing with right now. I'm at a point in
• 15:26
  my life where I would love to be able to have
• 15:30
  consistency in my practices, in my hobbies, in
• 15:35
  my whatever it is. So this spreads. It's like
• 15:40
  a web that is just like everywhere in my life.
• 15:43
  this issue with consistency. So, out of consistency,
• 15:48
  besides the fact that you feel suffocated by
• 15:52
  it, right? What other emotions does it bring
• 15:56
  it up? Besides that, have you dived deeper into
• 16:00
  it? Yeah, I was expecting that whole question.
• 16:06
  So, as you know, as I've shared here, in my childhood,
• 16:13
  I did not feel safe to express my emotions. So
• 16:17
  there's a lot of frustration that I might not
• 16:23
  be good enough. You know, just like I've said,
• 16:27
  like it was whatever I was taking interest in
• 16:30
  as a child, most likely like children's stuff,
• 16:34
  like play or whatever, right? But as I was showing,
• 16:40
  As I was paying more attention to it, right,
• 16:43
  and not to whatever my parents were saying or
• 16:47
  forcing me to do, it was just like, why are you
• 16:50
  doing this? This is so stupid. Like, you're wasting
• 16:52
  your time. You should be studying this or doing
• 16:55
  that or whatever, right? So whatever I was trying
• 16:57
  to do, it was not good enough. And even the things
• 17:01
  that I was like, okay, it's not my interest,
• 17:03
  but I still want to be good at this, whatever
• 17:08
  it is that you want me to do. No, it's not good
• 17:11
  enough. You're never going to achieve anything
• 17:15
  in this life. So a lot of it has also to do with
• 17:19
  that frustration and that fear that even if I
• 17:22
  start something, I won't be able to finish it.
• 17:26
  I won't be good enough compared to other people.
• 17:31
  So it will have no value. So yeah, it's frustration,
• 17:39
  it's fear, it's shame. Even though nothing exactly
• 17:46
  happens, like I can just like quit, right? If
• 17:49
  I want to start running, I start running. I discover
• 17:52
  I'm bad at it, obviously I'm bad at it. Never
• 17:54
  been a runner, right? But it will bring up so
• 17:58
  many emotions that are obviously not necessary
• 18:00
  for that situation, you know? But it's linked
• 18:04
  to that. It's linked to whatever new I'm trying
• 18:06
  to do, right? I can do it for some time. It's
• 18:11
  interesting for me, right? So that lack of consistency
• 18:14
  helped me start new things. But it is an obstacle
• 18:20
  when I try to maintain it. Okay. So it's not
• 18:28
  necessarily, I think, just consistently. Have
• 18:33
  you ever experienced issues with like commitment
• 18:37
  or committing to something? I think that's kind
• 18:40
  of where it goes into it too. It's like, yeah,
• 18:44
  you can start the practice. Like you mentioned,
• 18:47
  you could start running, right? You could like
• 18:48
  it and you could go through it. That is consistency
• 18:50
  in itself, but it's the long term, the distance
• 18:55
  that I think that really brings that fear. And
• 19:01
  it's probably going back to what you mentioned.
• 19:03
  You didn't have that safe space to let your emotions
• 19:07
  come out and to really express or try new things.
• 19:13
  And I can relate to that 100 % because I was
• 19:16
  told to be quiet. I wasn't told to be a little
• 19:18
  muñeca, a little doll. Yeah. I wonder, though,
• 19:24
  do you think that maybe because... Okay. So,
• 19:31
  my question was, and it's related to this, how
• 19:40
  were you mocked for trying to create consistency
• 19:44
  when you were a girl? It was the lack of patience
• 19:50
  and understanding to whatever I took interest
• 19:54
  in, and it usually came from my parents. Because
• 20:00
  whatever I took interest in, they were not interested.
• 20:05
  I get that. You don't have to be interested in
• 20:07
  it. But at least support me if you feel like
• 20:10
  I have an interest in something. And there was
• 20:15
  a lot of like, no matter how hard you're going
• 20:18
  to try, you're just not trying hard enough. It's
• 20:23
  not enough. It's not enough. You're never going
• 20:25
  to achieve this. Like not believing I can do
• 20:29
  this, not believing this is something for me.
• 20:32
  Like, why would you take interest in this? It's
• 20:35
  too good. Right. So whatever I was doing, it
• 20:39
  was attaching to my excitement. It was attaching
• 20:43
  this like label of, of it's stupid. It's not
• 20:48
  worth it. So in the end, what I was understanding
• 20:51
  is that I'm not worthy to feel. Oh. to feel excited,
• 20:58
  to feel like creative, maybe. So yeah, this is
• 21:04
  how it happened, I think. My question was like,
• 21:17
  do you think that, but you've already answered
• 21:22
  it, maybe the, this idea that you're trying to
• 21:30
  create consistency and then somebody goes, oh,
• 21:36
  you're not good at it because you want to do,
• 21:38
  you should be doing this, like another activity
• 21:42
  or something that I told you to do. And they
• 21:46
  kind of label that. So you never make it through
• 21:51
  the honeymoon phase of something that you want
• 21:54
  to do. So you don't become, good at anything
• 21:57
  and now you're stuck you're stuck at the end
• 22:01
  of the honeymoon phase when that fades you want
• 22:05
  to change again yeah that's so sad yeah it has
• 22:12
  affected my entire life it has helped me it has
• 22:16
  helped me and I do benefits from it because I've
• 22:18
  seen that compared to other people I'm way more
• 22:21
  flexible I'm way more easy to take on new tasks
• 22:28
  new experiences you know and just like have the
• 22:31
  courage to you know what let's try this when
• 22:34
  it comes to just like for the long run i'm i'm
• 22:39
  getting anxiety because i don't think i don't
• 22:42
  think i have what it takes to sustain it you
• 22:45
  know yeah it's exactly what you described it
• 22:50
  it's just like it's like a continuous honey moon
• 22:53
  phase and I know that it's so delusional that
• 22:57
  I need to do something about it. You know, because
• 23:02
  it's only like that high interest, right? Dopamine,
• 23:06
  right? Raising that dopamine, like baseline,
• 23:11
  right? So when it passes the honeymoon phase,
• 23:15
  it's just another thing I'm not good at. Is it
• 23:27
  linked to competitiveness? Oh, sorry. It was
• 23:31
  linked to competitiveness by my parents because
• 23:37
  it was like, that girl can do it. Why can't you?
• 23:44
  And it's just like in Romanian culture, it's
• 23:47
  just like we are not taught to work together.
• 23:51
  In school, we don't make like seeds for projects
• 23:55
  and stuff like that. It's always get the first
• 23:57
  one, be better than the first one. It's a continuous
• 24:00
  race. I was never, never interested in that race.
• 24:05
  I was never interested why that colleague was
• 24:09
  better or a subject, you know? I felt like it
• 24:12
  was inspiring, right? But I never felt like competitive
• 24:18
  or anything. I was just like, that's interesting.
• 24:25
  But every day when I came home, it was like drilling
• 24:28
  and drilling and drilling and comparing and comparing.
• 24:31
  And that certainly did something to me because
• 24:35
  when I had that, we were talking about that identity
• 24:39
  crisis when I turned 30, it all came back. Because
• 24:44
  when you lose everything and it's just like from
• 24:46
  scratch, you feel like you're rebuilding yourself
• 24:48
  from scratch. Like if you know, like Tara, there's
• 24:51
  just like that tower movement, right? when everything
• 24:54
  comes crashing down and you need to rebuild that
• 24:56
  is when I realized okay now I can choose who
• 25:00
  I want to be so when I looked around I was like
• 25:05
  okay who am I what do I enjoy doing what am I
• 25:08
  and they all came back because I somehow I retreated
• 25:13
  into my like inner child trying to discover it
• 25:18
  and figure out what emotions I had and it all
• 25:23
  came all came together from the subconscious
• 25:26
  everything because i didn't pay attention to
• 25:30
  it for for the longest time or at least i thought
• 25:33
  it's not there i was ignoring my parents i did
• 25:36
  not speak a lot to my parents i was doing the
• 25:39
  contrary of whatever they were saying right but
• 25:42
  now apparently yeah it was a programming there
• 25:49
  was like Very silent in the subconscious. And
• 25:52
  it came forward and like, remember this? Remember
• 25:58
  this girl from school? Like, she was better than
• 26:01
  you? Yeah. And one thing I want to share, one
• 26:07
  experience about this. So, I was one day in the
• 26:15
  supermarket trying to buy bread. I was in the
• 26:19
  line. trying to pay suddenly out of nowhere i
• 26:23
  guess i get this panic attack and i hear my father's
• 26:28
  voice something that he told me when i when i
• 26:30
  was little um you will never amount to anything
• 26:35
  in this life there will never be a place for
• 26:39
  you even in the market to sell vegetables or
• 26:42
  whatever and i heard it very clearly and i started
• 26:48
  shivering like And I realized, some part of me
• 26:51
  realized that this is so stupid. I'm folding
• 26:53
  like a bread. I'm not in trouble. I'm not in
• 26:56
  any danger, right? Like, why am I like panicking?
• 27:01
  And I've learned from therapy how to calm down
• 27:05
  and really listen. So when I was able to calm
• 27:11
  down and listen, I realized that the words were
• 27:15
  actually spoken in my boobs. not my dad's and
• 27:22
  I think that I held him in my mind I held that
• 27:28
  those words with his voice in my mind for so
• 27:30
  long I had to call him when I when I got home
• 27:33
  and I said I am sorry that probably I was so
• 27:37
  resentful and I just remembered like your voice
• 27:39
  maybe you were tired from work maybe you didn't
• 27:42
  have like I was obviously not an easy child to
• 27:44
  deal with right You just said something when
• 27:48
  you were angry, but my mind thought, oh, this
• 27:51
  sounds cool. Maybe we can use this every time
• 27:54
  we want to keep her safe. This is like the perfect
• 27:58
  line we can tell her to prevent her to do anything
• 28:01
  that is dangerous. Or we perceive as dangerous.
• 28:06
  Yeah. I feel like you should apologize to yourself,
• 28:11
  not your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to apologize
• 28:14
  also to myself for all the... self -development
• 28:17
  work that i did but that was like that moment
• 28:20
  when i i first heard that my dad's voice and
• 28:24
  then when i calmed down it was actually my voice
• 28:26
  that was shocking that was actually shocking
• 28:30
  like it is true what they say like you tell you're
• 28:35
  your worst enemy it's crazy it is it is we We
• 28:44
  put ourselves down more than any other person
• 28:46
  could ever. And we don't even realize because
• 28:49
  until we do that self work, right? We think it's
• 28:53
  external. We think it's other people. Yeah. Like
• 28:57
  you were mentioning, because I actually did hear
• 29:00
  a line like that from my mom when I was young.
• 29:04
  But instead of taking it as my brain didn't take
• 29:08
  it as a, this is how we're going to keep her
• 29:10
  safe from dangerous things. It was, this is how
• 29:13
  I'm going to make her push forward. So my brain
• 29:20
  did the opposite. So every time that I need a
• 29:24
  little push, a little fire under me to advance
• 29:27
  in some way or other, that line replays. That
• 29:32
  moment replays in my head. And it's like, nope,
• 29:36
  you gotta show her. You see, that's what I'm
• 29:39
  lacking. I'm not competitive. Ruby's question
• 29:41
  was so good. I'm not competitive. If you say
• 29:46
  something like that, it's just like, whoa. It
• 29:50
  does not put that fire under my ass and just
• 29:54
  make me, oh, I need to show them. For me, it
• 29:59
  does that because are you the oldest? I'm the
• 30:05
  only child. I got the whole material. There you
• 30:09
  go. There you go. That may be it. I'm the second
• 30:12
  daughter. The youngest daughter, the second daughter.
• 30:15
  I have an older sister. And my sister is six
• 30:20
  years older, right? Or five years older. So anything
• 30:24
  she did wrong, I got blamed. I was punished.
• 30:29
  Not her, me. Because somehow the younger sister
• 30:33
  was supposed to keep the older sister in mind.
• 30:36
  don't know don't know um but it was a a situation
• 30:42
  where it was always being compared to my sister
• 30:46
  yeah so in my brain since i was little was you
• 30:51
  have to do things different than her you have
• 30:53
  to be different you have to do more you cannot
• 30:56
  do what she does you cannot live life like she
• 31:00
  does so I was ingrained with such a competitive
• 31:05
  little gene or a little thing there that you
• 31:09
  saw me yesterday. Yeah. You saw it yesterday.
• 31:13
  A little bit of it. I was like, no, I'm going
• 31:16
  to be number one on Eileen's thing today because
• 31:19
  I could afford it yesterday. I won't do that
• 31:21
  again. Don't worry. It's not a, I'm not. I was
• 31:24
  impressed. I was like. Nah. She's rich. No. It
• 31:31
  was payday. It was payday. I could afford it.
• 31:34
  I wanted to ask you if it's payday or... Alright,
• 31:38
  next second of the month. Second Friday of the
• 31:41
  month. Yeah. It's like, for now, Ailee's going
• 31:47
  to be thrilled. Let's just do that. But he was
• 31:51
  doing it on purpose, too. So I was like, okay.
• 31:56
  Let me show you real quick how fast I can...
• 32:01
  And I had just recharged, by the way. So she
• 32:06
  just got all my money in like one day. What?
• 32:11
  She didn't say anything. No. I was expecting
• 32:13
  her to write in the chat, but she didn't say
• 32:15
  anything. I don't think she's checked. Yeah,
• 32:18
  I don't think either. Are the coins more expensive?
• 32:21
  How much do you pay? I used to think they were
• 32:24
  way cheaper because I had somehow earned a whole
• 32:28
  bunch of coins from someone. And I'm sorry, this
• 32:31
  is way off topic. I don't know how this happened.
• 32:34
  We're fine. Are we having a little break? I guess,
• 32:39
  kind of. It's the hormones, I'm telling you.
• 32:44
  Is that what it is? You're over here. I guess
• 32:51
  we're rolling. What are the hormones? driving
• 32:55
  them wild you know going through puberty okay
• 32:58
  yeah now i and just like they they feel like
• 33:02
  attacking as a person who is currently going
• 33:05
  through second puberty i can tell you that this
• 33:08
  is a thing yeah yeah but but you see that you're
• 33:13
  not like pouncing We're talking about these little
• 33:16
  baby cubs. That's the only reason. It's different.
• 33:23
  If you rolled me back 20 years, I would be unstoppable.
• 33:30
  Yeah, I would be unstoppable. Because, you know,
• 33:33
  Dahlia now is like, I flirt. I flirt. I flirt.
• 33:39
  I do that. And we share with each other different
• 33:43
  types of stuff. But these kids put me to shame.
• 33:50
  And I was like, and I've lived life. I know how
• 33:54
  to do things that you could never dream about
• 33:56
  doing. Yes, right? Yes. But it's like, how are
• 34:03
  you publicly in a public forum? The internet
• 34:05
  is forever. And you are seeing these things.
• 34:10
  Yeah, I think live chat rooms are not as forever
• 34:14
  as other parts of the internet. They are forever
• 34:17
  because people are recording them. Oh yeah, that's
• 34:20
  true. I've seen it. Some of my buddies were recorded
• 34:28
  in a chat room and posted by another user. There's
• 34:34
  people out there that are taking, they just lurk.
• 34:38
  Taking recordings and posting it. Look, Ruby.
• 34:45
  I don't even know how I got on there. I have
• 34:51
  Maya's secret ASMR snoring video. I never fell
• 34:57
  asleep except for Ruby, you talking to Josh.
• 35:06
  Oh, my God. That does suck. I am sorry. That
• 35:08
  does suck to my brain. I'm sorry that I have
• 35:10
  a silly voice. No, you shouldn't be sorry. I
• 35:14
  was on mute. I was, like, ready for it. Yeah.
• 35:16
  Keep going. Keep going. You were talking. And
• 35:20
  I was, like... Shasha's voice is nice, too, though.
• 35:24
  So, yeah. I can see that. I feel bad because
• 35:28
  when I start speaking for any length of time,
• 35:31
  people just drop off the room. I don't. I stay.
• 35:35
  I'm just there. But you're special. But I love
• 35:40
  strangers. And the first time I heard you speak,
• 35:45
  I don't think it was in Aileen's. I think it
• 35:46
  was in another chat. And I'm like, really? Oh,
• 35:50
  my God. And then I heard you in Aileen's. And
• 35:52
  I got to exchange some. Yes. We spoke a bit.
• 35:56
  And I was like, oh, my God. I want to listen
• 35:59
  to this forever. it was just like so calming
• 36:04
  you know and even because you don't evil like
• 36:08
  uh you don't speed it up it's just like it's
• 36:13
  very consistent consistent it's a very nice caden
• 36:21
  ah it has been very nice it's very melodic for
• 36:26
  sure yes I think it's that. Yeah, well, it took
• 36:30
  me a long time to practice this voice, actually.
• 36:35
  I've spoken once or twice in my unpracticed voice.
• 36:41
  Yeah, you did it once. I was there, but I wasn't
• 36:43
  paying attention. I was doing something else.
• 36:44
  I wasn't paying attention. Do you want to hear
• 36:46
  it? I'm curious. I've never heard one. I'm curious.
• 36:52
  Okay, I will drop it down for you into my normal.
• 36:56
  teacher's voice because i have to be a teacher
• 36:58
  at school and i'm not allowed to be feminine
• 37:02
  so this is my voice this is the voice that i
• 37:06
  originally spoke with but i much prefer this
• 37:09
  voice i know for me it's just not that different
• 37:15
  yeah it's not that different so a lot of people
• 37:18
  think that you it's done with your like uh vocal
• 37:22
  cords but it's done by raising the larynx over
• 37:27
  time yeah yeah so i can go much deeper like this
• 37:32
  yeah and but what i'm actually doing is i'm just
• 37:35
  changing the size of my voice box yeah yeah exactly
• 37:40
  exactly what happens when you go through like
• 37:45
  when you go through puberty um with testosterone
• 37:50
  some of your vocal cords crack And that can't
• 37:55
  be undone. But not all of them crack. The ones
• 37:58
  that are higher up. Yeah. So if my voice had
• 38:03
  never broken, this is the voice I would have
• 38:06
  had. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. I'm curious
• 38:11
  about something. Does taking medicine, right,
• 38:17
  going for hormone therapy, does that change your
• 38:21
  voice as well? Not estrogen. But testosterone.
• 38:24
  So if you're a trans man, so born female, taking
• 38:30
  testosterone, your vocal cords will crack. And
• 38:35
  once they crack, it can't be undone. Actually,
• 38:38
  most of hormone therapy is reversible. Like if
• 38:43
  I were to stop now, the physical changes would
• 38:48
  be quite minimal still. And as time goes by,
• 38:54
  the things that are not reversible for trans
• 38:59
  men would be starting to grow a beard. Like your
• 39:02
  follicles won't switch off. You'll have to do
• 39:05
  like full hair. Yeah. And I've never had a beard.
• 39:11
  Like I've never had body hair because. Yeah.
• 39:15
  Anyway, that's a time story for another time.
• 39:21
  And then for a trans woman, the thing that you
• 39:26
  cannot undo, there are two things. The first
• 39:30
  one is breast growth. Yeah. And the second one
• 39:34
  is after about six months, there can be potentially
• 39:39
  permanent damage to male fertility. That bothers
• 39:46
  me. Yeah. Cat. It's it's it. I think it's odd.
• 39:54
  I was listening to. To your podcast. Right. The
• 39:58
  first episode. We were talking with the guys.
• 40:00
  About this. And I remember one of the guys said
• 40:03
  like. About. Identifying as. As a woman like.
• 40:13
  Who would actively choose that. Like it's not.
• 40:17
  It's not actually a choice. Like because it's
• 40:19
  like. Looking at how society treats this, that's
• 40:23
  hard. Yes, you don't do this for fun. You do
• 40:29
  this because this is for my mental health. If
• 40:31
  I don't do this, if I have to go back now, I'm
• 40:37
  going to start. I have suicidal ideation just
• 40:40
  thinking about it. I can't. There's no other
• 40:43
  way. Yeah, that's right. I take issue with people
• 40:50
  that just like state their opinions, you know.
• 40:53
  But it's just like a principle maybe or just
• 40:56
  like a concept. No, but you cannot talk about
• 40:58
  people's life like that. Yeah. You cannot just
• 41:03
  like just put it inside the box, right, that
• 41:08
  Nehemiah was talking about and just like say,
• 41:12
  no, this is. non -normal or this is like whatever
• 41:16
  and because it's not affecting your life bro
• 41:19
  and and it's not affecting you in any way to
• 41:22
  make it maybe more more relatable imagine walking
• 41:25
  up to the pope and saying christians don't exist
• 41:29
  they never have it's the same thing I don't understand
• 41:41
  these people and there's always the argument
• 41:44
  but yeah but what if my child bro your child
• 41:48
  goes to school and sees stuff and is still stupid
• 41:53
  your kid seeing like trans women on the street
• 41:58
  is not gonna change him come on Again, like,
• 42:02
  it's not something that anybody chooses to do.
• 42:05
  And I definitely, I don't want you to be trans.
• 42:08
  I don't want other kids or people or anyone to
• 42:11
  be. This is a shitty, this is a shit show. Yeah.
• 42:16
  It's a disaster. Inviting this, like, who wants
• 42:20
  to invite this? Like, even what you said, right?
• 42:22
  Because even with doctors, with some doctors,
• 42:25
  you might feel that. You know, like, why are
• 42:29
  you doing this? And having to deal with all that.
• 42:32
  And then there's the other thing. Who goes searching
• 42:34
  for this? Who goes searching? I'm actively giving.
• 42:38
  I'm lucky, okay? I think you can affirm this,
• 42:42
  but I went through most through my early adulthood
• 42:48
  up to middle adult as a fairly handsome man.
• 42:55
  And I was lucky. And now I'm going to get to
• 42:58
  do it again as a fairly pretty woman. I'm getting
• 43:04
  pretty privilege on both ends, but I'm giving
• 43:07
  up male privilege. And that is, that is a real
• 43:12
  thing. If anybody has ever like from, from the
• 43:18
  moment that I have told some of my male acquaintances
• 43:23
  and friends that i am trans and if they have
• 43:26
  been able to see me as a woman their treatment
• 43:29
  has taken a 180 and now i'm sitting sitting at
• 43:37
  a bar trying to interject my thoughts or conversations
• 43:41
  and suddenly that doesn't matter anymore because
• 43:44
  you're a girl okay fuck you that is one of the
• 43:49
  questions right Yeah, that was one of those questions
• 43:51
  that I had. Like, how do you feel about it now?
• 43:56
  I'm still she, her all the way. That's me. But
• 44:01
  honestly, fuck you. Welcome to Womanhood. Oh
• 44:07
  yeah, the whole quiet little pretty doll. I think
• 44:16
  that is going to be the title of this episode.
• 44:19
  yeah you're now privy to like some real shit
• 44:23
  oh so all the fun all the fun yeah all the fun
• 44:29
  but you know you know there's there's one thing
• 44:33
  like um i was saying like i i love to be all
• 44:36
  the women of my imagination you know and uh reinventing
• 44:44
  myself and i think this is one of the things
• 44:46
  that i love about being a woman the fact that
• 44:48
  i can just like well being a woman in this society
• 44:52
  let's say because i can just like be creative
• 44:54
  with my with my style and paint my nails certain
• 44:58
  colors and use makeup and use you know anything
• 45:01
  and i love all of these versions right and i
• 45:07
  am happy for you to be able to do that That is
• 45:12
  one thing I love about being a woman. And I feel
• 45:16
  like it's like, I bet it's so exciting. It is
• 45:19
  so exciting. You have no idea. Exactly. Yeah.
• 45:23
  I'm glad you get to experience that finally.
• 45:28
  Hi again. Thank you so much for watching to the
• 45:31
  end. I am really sorry about the audio quality
• 45:35
  of this episode. I will remember to project my
• 45:38
  voice properly next time so that I don't have
• 45:41
  to over -process it like today. I cannot tell
• 45:45
  you how long I sat here thinking about where
• 45:49
  this episode should end and what should be left
• 45:51
  in and what was just too personal to keep. But
• 45:56
  I think this is a good spot. I hope you enjoyed
• 46:01
  it. Don't forget to... subscribe, leave your
• 46:05
  comments down below and I'll see you next time.