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ADHD and Friendships: Why Your Child Struggles to Fit In and How to Help Them Find Their Tribe · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

• 0:00
  Apryl: Today we're talking about probably one of the most heartbreaking things when it comes to raising a child with ADHD, and that is when you are sitting there, you're watching your kiddo at the playground, your kids so excited, they go up to a group of kids and they try to say hi or play, and there's that moment of uncertainty, and then the group turns away, and your child stands there brokenhearted, and right there, your heart breaks at the same time.
• 0:35
  Apryl: Today we are talking about peer relationships.
• 0:39
  Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
• 0:46
  Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
• 0:52
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
• 0:58
  Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
• 1:05
  Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
• 1:14
  Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
• 1:19
  Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to Raising ADHD.
• 1:23
  Apryl: If you have not left a review yet for the podcast, it would mean the world to us if you would go leave a review.
• 1:30
  Apryl: Reviews are the way that the algorithm knows that this podcast is worth listening to and it shares it out to all the people.
• 1:40
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• 1:42
  Apryl: All right.
• 1:43
  Apryl: If you've ever watched your ADHD child struggle to fit in, to make friends, to keep friends, you are not alone.
• 1:53
  Apryl: In today's episode, we are talking about why pure relationships are so hard for kids with ADHD.
• 1:59
  Apryl: We're going to talk about, like we always do, the science behind what's actually happening in their brains and how you, as a parent or how teachers can help them build meaningful relationships that last.
• 2:12
  Apryl: So we are going to dive in.
• 2:17
  Apryl: As always, here with me is my husband, Brian.
• 2:22
  Apryl: Welcome, Brian.
• 2:24
  Brian: Hey, how are you doing, April?
• 2:26
  Apryl: Great.
• 2:26
  Apryl: Let's dive into this topic of peer relationships.
• 2:29
  Brian: Hey everyone.
• 2:30
  Brian: So this is one of the top, the toughest topics we see in clinic.
• 2:35
  Brian: The pain of being left out hits deeper than just about anything.
• 2:39
  Apryl: Okay, so let's start with this.
• 2:41
  Apryl: Kids with ADHD, they're kids.
• 2:44
  Apryl: They want friends just as bad as any other kid and they want to fit in just like any other kid.
• 2:50
  Apryl: But research shows that these kiddos are two to three times more likely to be rejected by their peers.
• 2:58
  Apryl: And this rejection often happens within minutes of meeting them.
• 3:03
  Apryl: It's so incredibly sad because these kids they're funny.
• 3:10
  Apryl: They're fun.
• 3:11
  Apryl: They're usually happy, but they're being rejected within minutes of meeting them.
• 3:18
  Apryl: So, Brian, what's happening here?
• 3:21
  Brian: So, yeah, they've done some studies, and when they use structured play groups, they find that within 30 minutes, these kiddos with ADHD are already rated as less likable by their peers.
• 3:32
  Brian: And this is not because of who they are.
• 3:35
  Brian: Your child still has as much value as anybody, but it's these symptoms that show up socially.
• 3:42
  Apryl: That makes sense.
• 3:43
  Apryl: So things like the interrupting, blurting out ideas, they have a really hard time picking up on those social cues.
• 3:51
  Apryl: That's what these kids are seeing then.
• 3:54
  Brian: Right.
• 3:54
  Brian: And the kids are they're looking for the cool kid, and cool kids are the kids with the smooth social cues.
• 4:02
  Brian: So ADHD, some of these like working memory, impulse control, self-monitoring, all these things make it more difficult for them to pick up on these social cues and therefore come off as the oh, I'm smooth, cool, confident kid.
• 4:16
  Apryl: Things that I've seen is like when one kid is talking, your kid jumps in, or like the ADHD child jumps in, right, and interrupts, and they totally miss subtle cues.
• 4:29
  Apryl: This game's full, or you know, just like those little social cues that most kids would pick up on, they're missing that.
• 4:37
  Apryl: And it's not because they don't care, it's literally because their brains are processing slower in some areas and faster in other areas.
• 4:46
  Brian: It's that mismatch that's creating this social friction.
• 4:49
  Apryl: Okay.
• 4:49
  Apryl: So we know why this is happening, why kids are rejecting our kids.
• 4:54
  Apryl: It's because either our kids are not reading the social cues as quickly or they're too quick.
• 5:00
  Apryl: They're just off timing.
• 5:03
  Apryl: They're not, like you said, Brian, smooth.
• 5:05
  Apryl: But this isn't also we think about play dates and sitting at the lunch table and all that stuff.
• 5:12
  Apryl: This is a an emotional toll that is massive for our kids.
• 5:18
  Brian: Right.
• 5:18
  Brian: So the thing with this chronic rejection is this adds up to more anxiety, more depression, more oppositional behaviors, as many of you have seen.
• 5:29
  Brian: And then it stacks.
• 5:31
  Brian: And then as you have more of these behaviors, you're more socially rejected, and this cycle continues with never-ending.
• 5:37
  Apryl: I've seen this as a teacher where it's like the kids start out eager, and it it's interesting because a lot of my time as a teacher was spent in third grade, which is that like transitional year from that early elementary to that upper elementary kids, and those early elementary kids, they're just so excited to make friends.
• 5:58
  Apryl: You know, a new kid comes and they're everyone wants to be friends with the new kid, and so they're super eager to connect.
• 6:04
  Apryl: But then as as time goes on, like I would see this in these kids is they want to be friends, they want to connect with the other kids.
• 6:14
  Apryl: But then the more that they're rejected and they don't get a play, they're not invited to play, they're excluded from the games, then this rejection teaches them to guard their hearts and they stop trying, and it's so sad.
• 6:31
  Brian: Right.
• 6:32
  Brian: And this is that rejection sensitivity that we've talked about before, where not only are they getting rejected, but when they get rejected, they're more sensitive to it.
• 6:40
  Brian: And this is also where some of the oppositional and some of the other behaviors will can come from.
• 6:46
  Brian: When they're trying to gain any attention they can, even negative attention can be a positive in their eyes.
• 6:53
  Brian: So being the class clown or being the the bully or any of these things that are just getting them some sort of attention of people are noticing me.
• 7:03
  Apryl: It definitely leads to those more negative behaviors because they just want to be noticed.
• 7:11
  Apryl: And for parents, watching this can be absolutely heartbreaking and gut-wrenching to see your kid not fit in.
• 7:20
  Apryl: And then it's really, really hard, especially if you see that on the playground where your kid goes and wants to play and then they're rejected.
• 7:28
  Apryl: It's really, really hard because then you're it's like, well, should I let the should I intervene?
• 7:33
  Apryl: Should I let them figure it out?
• 7:34
  Apryl: What am I supposed to do?
• 7:36
  Apryl: And honestly, most of us don't know where that line is and what we're supposed to do in that situation.
• 7:43
  Apryl: So let's talk about what actually helps because there are proven ways to support ADHD kids socially at home, at school, and within therapy.
• 7:54
  Brian: So, one of the first things we're gonna talk about is social coaching.
• 7:58
  Brian: And so, this is one of the ways that helps your child understand what's actually happening in these social situations, but you're going to do it in real time and without shame.
• 8:08
  Brian: And many of you are gonna notice that this may be similar to another therapy that you've done in the past called PCIT or parent-child interaction training.
• 8:17
  Brian: There's a lot of crossover here, and a lot of those PCIT techniques still work with helping your child build these peer relationships.
• 8:25
  Apryl: Okay, so go into that just a little bit because I'm guessing a lot of people actually have not done PCIT.
• 8:33
  Apryl: Oh, you said PCIT?
• 8:35
  Brian: PCIT, yeah.
• 8:36
  Brian: So PCIT is a therapy that we usually use with much younger kids, like uh I mean like three to six, maybe like two to seven.
• 8:45
  Brian: Not typical like a like a grade school thing necessarily, but a little younger than that.
• 8:50
  Brian: Where you're starting to teach some of these really young kids who have the beginnings of oppositional behaviors and things like that, basically how to interact, how to interact with their parents and how to t and how the parents can interact with them in a way that builds those relationships and builds some of the positive behaviors.
• 9:06
  Apryl: Okay.
• 9:07
  Apryl: So I really like that it's called social coaching because it kind of gives like me as a parent to think about, okay, I'm their coach here, and how would I coach them to interact with their peer?
• 9:21
  Apryl: So, for example, our daughter is really, really bad or good at interrupting, she interrupts a lot.
• 9:32
  Apryl: So instead of saying stop interrupting, be the coach to be like, hey, when your friend is talking, wait until they finish, then it's your turn.
• 9:43
  Apryl: And then praise it immediately when they do that.
• 9:47
  Apryl: And this is something as a teacher, too, you could definitely do this in the classroom, is you know, being that coach and don't do it again in a shameful way.
• 9:57
  Apryl: Don't like if the kid calls out, like, stop calling out, you know, like being able to just take a second during the day when you see it happen and just pull them aside and be like, Hey, when your friends are talking, or when this is happening, wait until they finish and then it's your turn.
• 10:16
  Apryl: And I think another thing, because I know like with our daughter, she's said, if I don't say it right now, I'm gonna forget it.
• 10:24
  Apryl: And so helping them, like, what's a what's a technique that you can use to remember it?
• 10:30
  Apryl: Maybe you can create a visual of what you were gonna say in your head, um, or create like a keyword so you remember it, but teaching some of those strategies so that when these things like interrupting happen, okay, how can we make this so we can make it better?
• 10:48
  Brian: Right.
• 10:49
  Brian: And I would say the most important part of that is the praise.
• 10:52
  Brian: If you're not putting in the praise, then it then it just comes off as a punishment.
• 10:57
  Apryl: Definitely the praise, which any sort of research you read about I mean kids in general and uh humans, we we like praise, but ADHD kids really, really thri thrive off of praise, and especially because of so much negative they hear, that the positive is just they don't hear it enough.
• 11:17
  Apryl: So they definitely that positive feedback, immediate positive feedback is super, super helpful for them.
• 11:24
  Brian: Right.
• 11:25
  Brian: And there's a lot of emotion that comes when we're making memories.
• 11:29
  Brian: And so or or m maybe vice versa, there's a lot of memories that come when you're making emotions.
• 11:35
  Brian: And so a lot of the events from our childhood that we remember, we remember the emotion more than almost anything else.
• 11:42
  Brian: And so if you're constantly praising them for these things, what they're remembering as they go throughout the day is, oh, when I do this things I feel good.
• 11:51
  Brian: And then pretty soon you know, they're they're more and more likely to do these positive things just because they feel good when they do those things.
• 12:00
  Brian: But if it's a constant just coaching or directing, they're viewing this as like, oh, I I messed up, I messed up, I messed up.
• 12:08
  Brian: And pretty soon there's a negative emotion attached to that, and then it's like, well, I I don't even want to do that at all because when I do that I don't feel good.
• 12:16
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 12:17
  Brian: Even though you're not necessarily like punishing or or deprecating in any way, it's just those small coachings can be can can be feel negative to kids.
• 12:27
  Brian: So if there's not that positive associated, it's gonna it's gonna constantly just be a bad a bad feeling.
• 12:33
  Apryl: For sure.
• 12:33
  Apryl: And I've definitely seen without daughter when we're working on things.
• 12:38
  Apryl: Like recently one of the things that we were working on was she would when she changed into her pajamas at night, she would just throw her dirty clothes anywhere.
• 12:49
  Apryl: And so um we were working on just that one skill of okay, you get one reminder to pick up your clothes, and then when I noticed that she had picked up her clothes and stuff, praising her, and now it's like just a skill that she has, but I still continue to praise, like, hey, I noticed you picked up your clothes after you changed in your pajamas, like I'm so proud of you, and like you can just see the light in her eyes of like oh, like I'm so happy that I you know did something good.
• 13:23
  Brian: Right.
• 13:23
  Brian: And that that emotion that we talk about, what one other important thing is that it needs to be very immediate feedback and very immediate pr praise, telling them at the end of the day, hey, you did good today when you did this.
• 13:37
  Brian: Like that I mean that's good and it feels good, but it but also that emotion and working memory are no longer in the same part.
• 13:45
  Brian: And so giving them a positive emotion right there says, Oh, when I go to bed, mom makes me feel good instead of oh, when I did the right thing, mom said something nice and it made me feel good.
• 13:58
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 13:58
  Apryl: And studies actually show that the immediate specific feedback, literally within seconds, helps ADHD brains make the connection between the action and the outcome.
• 14:09
  Apryl: Okay, so let's talk about the second strategy that can help our kids with peer interactions, and that is guided play.
• 14:17
  Apryl: These are structured play dates with just one child, because we know that sometimes it can be overwhelming to be with more than one.
• 14:26
  Apryl: And like my grandma always said, three is a crowd.
• 14:29
  Apryl: So one child and in just short bursts, so three to thirty to sixty minutes.
• 14:34
  Apryl: And when so, since these are like structured play dates and you're planning these, and these are definitely for the younger kids, um, you're gonna keep these activities cooperative instead of competitive.
• 14:47
  Brian: Exactly.
• 14:48
  Brian: So things like board games or Legos or some things where you can where you and your child are working together to complete a task.
• 14:57
  Brian: These can be really good for this guided play.
• 15:00
  Brian: What you're what you're trying to avoid is games where there's a clear winner or a loser, especially early on.
• 15:06
  Brian: Your child wants to be engaged and oh, I've got a real chance to to build something, rather than, oh man, I'm I'm stressed.
• 15:17
  Apryl: There's a lot of games out there, especially they're geared more for the younger crowd, but there's games that are cooperative games and not competitive games.
• 15:27
  Apryl: So you can look for games like that, and they're fun still.
• 15:30
  Apryl: Um, I'm trying to think, we used to have a few, even things like I mean, Legos are always fun to build, so like getting a Lego set and building that.
• 15:39
  Apryl: Um Play-Doh, that's a good one.
• 15:42
  Apryl: Going outside and just playing, doing art together, all of those kind of things uh can be really, really good on these play dates.
• 15:51
  Apryl: And teachers can mirror this in their classrooms too.
• 15:55
  Apryl: Pairing ADHD kids with kind patient peers for structured group work instead of open-ended, you know, like chaos.
• 16:05
  Apryl: Um, but just knowing who to pair those kids with.
• 16:11
  Apryl: Also, I know as a teacher, you don't always want to pair the same kid with the same kid because we also want to give that patient peer a break as well.
• 16:22
  Apryl: But just knowing those kids that okay, I know if I pair them with this, these few kids, that they're gonna work well together, and the child with ADHD can also learn some of those social skills or watch some of those social skills from this peer that they're working with.
• 16:40
  Brian: Right.
• 16:41
  Brian: And another really powerful intervention is social skills training.
• 16:46
  Brian: And you can actually Google this.
• 16:48
  Brian: There's a good one from UCLA called the Peers Program.
• 16:50
  Brian: It's P-E-E-R-S.
• 16:53
  Brian: Uh and they have they have like programs for everybody from toddlers to like dating teenagers to adults.
• 17:03
  Brian: It's uh it's a pretty cool thing.
• 17:05
  Brian: And you can also find some of the social social skills training though outside of just UCLA.
• 17:10
  Brian: I mean, you can find this, just Google like social skills training in your area, and you can find some therapy that that will help with this.
• 17:18
  Apryl: These programs are teaching things such as how to read facial expressions, how to manage rejection, how to start conversations.
• 17:27
  Apryl: It's so funny because I always say this, like talking about classroom strategies, things that work for ADHD kids.
• 17:36
  Apryl: All of these things are good for all kids because not all kids, whether they have ADHD or not, know how to do these things.
• 17:44
  Apryl: So it's really, really great for all kids.
• 17:47
  Apryl: Um, and this program or these types of social skills training programs, these work best when parents are involved and reinforcing these skills at home as well.
• 17:58
  Apryl: And here's something that blew my mind when I learned it.
• 18:02
  Apryl: The most effective social programs for ADHD kids don't just teach what to do, they teach how to recover when it goes wrong.
• 18:13
  Apryl: And I feel like that's a skill that's missing in our society among everyone, not just ADHD kids and people.
• 18:22
  Brian: Right.
• 18:23
  Brian: And the kids end up hiding away and not not interacting because they're so afraid of that rejection.
• 18:27
  Brian: Rejection's gonna happen, the awkward moments are gonna happen, and building resilience rather than perfection really should be the goal.
• 18:34
  Apryl: Yeah, and teaching them like, okay, if this happens, well, what are you gonna do?
• 18:39
  Apryl: It it's just so smart to do this.
• 18:43
  Apryl: Like I said, with all kids, not just you know, with neurotypical kids, not just our neurodivergent kids.
• 18:51
  Apryl: So let's talk about now what parents can do day to day.
• 18:56
  Apryl: Um, so start by noticing your child's spark.
• 19:00
  Apryl: What lights them up?
• 19:02
  Apryl: Is it art?
• 19:02
  Apryl: Is it robotics?
• 19:03
  Apryl: Is it animals?
• 19:05
  Apryl: And then build social opportunities around that.
• 19:09
  Brian: Right.
• 19:09
  Brian: And some of these uh shared interests can act as almost like a like a social scaffolding.
• 19:16
  Brian: And so settings like clubs or organized sports, the hobby groups, martial arts, uh some of these where the kids will get like these repeated and structured chances to interact, especially with the same kids.
• 19:32
  Brian: And that repetition is really key to building these real friendships.
• 19:36
  Brian: Your your child's not too nerdy or not not uh not not nerdy enough for a Dungeons and Dragons group.
• 19:44
  Brian: Am I saying that right?
• 19:46
  Brian: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:47
  Apryl: Yeah, well, and I think that it does go back to that.
• 19:50
  Apryl: I feel like sometimes we feel like we need to choose, for example, soccer is a very big sport right now in our area.
• 19:59
  Apryl: Everyone plays soccer, all the boys play soccer, all the girls play soccer, and I ask our daughter, do you want to play soccer?
• 20:06
  Apryl: And her answer is no.
• 20:08
  Apryl: I don't want to play soccer.
• 20:10
  Apryl: So I'm not gonna force her to play soccer because I already know the outcome that that's gonna have.
• 20:16
  Apryl: She's gonna be the one daydreaming about riding her horse during soccer practice, and everyone's gonna get mad at her because she's gonna miss the ball or whatever, because she's not into it.
• 20:27
  Apryl: So find the thing that they are into that they enjoy, and find those group programs, or you know, create one if you need to that will bring kids together around a common interest.
• 20:45
  Apryl: Another thing we can't forget about is the emotional side with with all of this, and so when your child comes home hurt when they say nobody likes me, don't rush to fix it.
• 20:59
  Brian: Right.
• 20:59
  Brian: This is one of those times when you really want to validate first, and so that initial show of empathy rather than guidance is oftentimes what they're looking for.
• 21:09
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 21:09
  Apryl: Um, instead of saying like, oh, don't cry, it's fine, you're fine, being able to validate their feelings that must have really hurt.
• 21:21
  Apryl: And then what do you think happened?
• 21:24
  Apryl: And after having that empathy, then teach them strategy, some of the social skills.
• 21:29
  Apryl: And for teachers listening, you're a lifeline here.
• 21:34
  Apryl: When you see exclusion or a small pairing shift, a positive comp a positive comment or simply acknowledging a child's effort can change their trajectory.
• 21:46
  Apryl: Teachers literally can change the way that these students are seen in the classroom and by their peers, by how the teacher treats them.
• 22:00
  Apryl: So keep that in mind when you have these kiddos in your classroom.
• 22:04
  Apryl: So if you take one thing away from today, it's this social success for ADHD kids isn't about fitting in, it's about finding the people in environments where they belong.
• 22:16
  Apryl: So creating those structured play dates, finding those things that light the spark, doing those things, finding that place where your kiddo fits in and not trying to force them to fit in is gonna make a world of difference for them.
• 22:33
  Brian: And then feeling like they belong is what heals and it rewires the brain and it restores confidence.
• 22:39
  Brian: And I know earlier we talked about kind of this cycle of they're socially ejected, and then they they lose out on these social skills and it just spirals and gets worse and worse and worse.
• 22:51
  Brian: But you can undo that, and it's it's work to undo that, but you can undo that.
• 22:55
  Brian: Start utilizing some of these things and get them get them signed up for the Dungeons and Dragons or the Baseball or whatever it is that they that they do, and just get this process started is the very first step.
• 23:08
  Apryl: And one thing about these ADHD kids is are they are the ones who grow up to be the most loyal friends, they're the creative thinkers, the ones who make others feel seen once they find their tribe.
• 23:21
  Apryl: So it's helping them find their tribe that's gonna change the trajectory of their social interactions.
• 23:30
  Brian: Yeah, keep guiding, keep teaching, and just keep believing in them, even on the hard days.
• 23:35
  Apryl: If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent or teacher who's walking this road with the ADHD kiddos, because together we can change the narrative about ADHD.
• 23:48
  Apryl: One child, one classroom, one friendship at a time.
• 23:54
  Brian: Also, this month is ADHD Awareness Month, and next month we're gonna be at the ADHD conference.
• 24:00
  Brian: So if you guys see us, come up and say hi.
• 24:03
  Apryl: Yep, and we've got some really, really good episodes coming up in the next few weeks.
• 24:08
  Apryl: Rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
• 24:10
  Apryl: I actually have some questions from one of my teaching besties that we're gonna dive into behavior and in the classroom and what to do.
• 24:19
  Apryl: So, some really great stuff coming up.
• 24:21
  Apryl: So don't forget to hit subscribe and we'll see you next week, same time, same place.
• 24:26
  Brian: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
• 24:29
  Brian: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
• 24:33
  Brian: Small shifts can make a big difference.
• 24:35
  Brian: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you'd leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
• 24:44
  Brian: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
• 24:49
  Brian: Until then, you got this, and we've got your back.