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Transcript

Special Episode: It’s Worse Than We Thought · The Knife: A True Crime Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: This story contains adult content and language. Listener discretion is advised.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Knife, I'm patia Eton and don't worry,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Hannah will be back with us next week. Today we're
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: hearing from a woman named Alan, who met a captivating
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: man that quickly seemed to be falling in love with her.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: But as their relationship deepened, Alan began to see that
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: she'd been taken down a dark path of deception. Jake
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: tip Tula spoke with Alan on his podcast Loveluss Fear,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: which he hosts. Loveluss Fear exposes real stories about toxic
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: dating and relationships. Hannah and I are such fans of
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: the show and wanted to share this episode with all
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: of you. Jake has such a compassionate way of speaking
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: with his guests like Alan, who bravely share their most
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: personal stories. Let's get into the episode.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: The story you're about to hear him Lovelust Fear is true.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Some names, places, and other identifying details may have changed
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: to protect the storyteller. Lovelust Fear may contain graphic language
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: and depictions of sensitive situations. Please listen with caution. Next
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: on Lovelust Fear.
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: I know what a type of person. I was looking
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: for the characteristics. I've always been pretty clear on that,
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: and I thought, oh, maybe that you know this guy's
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: coming across my path for a reason or something, and
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: I swiped Yes. He was all the things that I
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: had and experienced in conversations prior with people, and that
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: was something that really drew me in and that I
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: appreciated about him. Within less than a week, he told
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: me that he loved me. That was right after our
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: first FaceTime, within probably twenty minutes of us getting off
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: the phone. At that same time, he told me that
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: he wanted to have kids with me, couldn't wait for
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: me to be their mom. Within two hours, probably two
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: hours of being there, I was with his mom. They
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: said Alan and him are going to be coming by
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: there with us now, we'll all be together later or something,
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: and the person said who's Alan?
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: Who's that? I can't keep track of them.
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: So it went from I'm single, to she has stuff here,
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: she needs to come get the rest of her stuff too,
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: I'm moving it into a storage unit to I hear
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: her in the background one night and she's coming to
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: get her stuff. She just showed up to She actually
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: found out about you and now she's refusing to leap.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: From her childhood. Through young adulthood, Alan battled chronic illness,
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: which often left her feeling isolated and kept her from
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: engaging in social activities, including dating. By the time she
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: reached her mid twenties, she found herself watched others build relationships,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: and she couldn't help but feel like she was missing out,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: So she turned to online dating. Eager to expand her
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: options beyond her small community, Alan stepped out of her
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: comfort zone and set her sights on Montana, seeking a
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: fresh start, peace of mind, and the chance to find
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: the right partner. It didn't take long for Allan to
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: become swept up in a whirlwind romance. Within months, her
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: new partner was telling her he loved her, asking her
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: to be his girlfriend, and even proposing. But when she
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: learned about the lingering presence of his ex girlfriend, doubt
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: crept in. Alan began questioning the trust and stability of
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: the relationship. What followed was a painful journey of shock, betrayal,
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: and devastation.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: My childhood didn't ever look normal. I started having health
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: issues around age ten or eleven, and so in terms
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: of dating, that also looked vastly different. I had a
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: few high school boyfriend friends, obviously, nothing really that was
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: super serious or anything, just some fun kind of flings.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: In college, I did not date at all, which I
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: was pretty sick and going through a lot of treatments.
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: It was pretty quiet at that time.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: I was the guinea pick to have a tinder in
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: college for my friend group. Again, I wasn't dating, but
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: it was more so an experiment of we just really
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: want to see what it's like and who's out there.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: And I think my roommates honestly all had boyfriends or something,
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: but they were like, Alan, you need to get this.
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  Speaker 4: We want to see what it's like.
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  Speaker 3: And we would swipe and be like, oh my god,
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: we know that person, or I can't believe it looks
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  Speaker 3: like this or something. Later in my mid twenties, my
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: close friends were in serious relationships married. I realized, I'm
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: not in college anymore. I'm working, but I'm not going
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  Speaker 3: out a ton of doing things where I necessarily might
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: meet someone the old fashioned way as easily. For a while,
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: I also was an event planner in work a lot
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: of weddings, and I had quite a few couples who
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: started coming through who had met via dating apps, and
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: then kind of from there. I think I opened up
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: more when I first joined was living in my hometown,
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: and so I feel like half the people I knew
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: from growing up and were kind of automatic nos for me.
• 5:21
  Speaker 4: So I feel like I kind of.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: Developed a really fast filtration system for going through people.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: My friends will say that I'm notorious for going through
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: profiles very quickly, and I just felt like, well, if
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: I've waited this long, I'm going to be picky, or
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: I have a standard, or I know what a type
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: of person I was looking for the characteristics. I've always
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: been pretty clear on that my criteria was something more
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: serious and committed in hopes of finding my person in
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: marriage and all the things that I had kind of
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: been shown and was striving for in life.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: I guess.
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: I had kind of a tumultuous start of twenty twenty three.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: I'd done a lot of personal work and finally had
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: my health dialed in, and felt like I wanted a
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: little bit of a change. I'm able to work remotely,
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: and I have always had a love of Montana. I
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: wanted to get out there for a while for a
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: few years and spend some time I just kind of
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: experience it. I had kind of an interest in possibly
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: moving there, so I set it up to where I
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: was going to be out there for a month.
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: I was out there and I had moved my location
• 6:38
  Speaker 4: on the apps.
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  Speaker 3: I was going to be on the apps and just
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: see what that was and meet people. I'd been there
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: for a while and I was actually leaving town. I
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: had to come back home for a wedding. And he
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: came across on Bumble and I knew I had kind
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: of this criteria in my mind of what I look
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: for in profiles and terms of photos or what's included
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: in a bio or not. And he didn't meet that.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: He looked cute, but I was like, just Alan, no,
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: it's no, and I swiped no. The next day he
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: came back around. His profile popped up again, but it
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: looked a little bit different. There were some more photos,
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: and there was a little bit more to the bio.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: Nothing crazy, but just a little bit more. And I'm
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: kind of a believer in timing and you know what's
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: meant to be. And I thought, oh, maybe you know
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: this guy's coming across my path for a reason or something,
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: And I swiped yes and we matched. I was again
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: leaving town, so I knew that I wouldn't meet him
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: right away, but I was open to something with distance
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: or just getting to know someone. I loved it out there.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: I was open to coming back. And I messaged him.
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: It was on bumble, so I had to do it first,
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: and I said something generic like hey, how's it going,
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: And he responded and said, hey, dream woman.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: With hard eyes. To me, that was an ick.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: I get the X pretty quick, but I again was
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: trying to be open. I was trying not to just
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: write everything off. I thought, in the scheme of the
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: profiles I'm seeing, he looked pretty good. And I was
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: just like, give him a chance, give him a chance.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: And so I responded, and I kind of made a
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: little joke of it, and I said, you know, big
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: shoes to fill. He was charming, he was charismatic, he
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: was attentive, he was interested, he was interesting.
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: He was a hard worker, which is something I value
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: a lot. He was single, in which I value. He
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: was looking for something serious. Getting to know him in
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: an open and honest way, and it felt just easy,
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: and I enjoyed that aspect of it. He was all
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: the things that I had and experienced in conversations prior
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: with people, and that was something that really drew me
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: in and that I appreciated about him.
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: Something that happens a lot and happened a lot on
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: the Apps was that things were kind of hyper sexualized,
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: and things would turn sexual lot, or people would want
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: photos or would want to really change into just talking
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: about looks, or it would go a certain direction very quickly.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: So even if something, you know, started with a compliment,
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: I always felt pretty uncomfortable with that because I feel like.
• 9:38
  Speaker 4: I knew where it would go.
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: And that's another thing about him that I appreciate is
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: that it never went there. He never asked for anything,
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: and from there I was just engaged and hooked. And
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: facetimes a big thing for me because I'm like, if
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: I can't physically be with you, I want to see
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: kind of what I'm looking at and who I'm talking to.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: And so we did a face time time not many
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: days later. It was super late, you know, time change.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: He was a little bit later than me, and I
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: remember he was in his truck and he had the
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: console light on and he kind of bent down and
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: looked at the phone, and his very first thing he
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: ever said was well, you're cute, but it was kind
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: of in like a tone of that'll do. I didn't
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: feel complimentary. I know it was said in a complimentary way,
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: but I feel like I've received that compliment before and
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: it didn't feel the same. It was kind of more
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: of like a sizing me up thing. Within less than
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: a week, he told me that he loved me. That
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: was right after our first FaceTime, within probably twenty minutes
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: of us getting off the phone. At that same time,
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: he told me that he wanted to have kids with me,
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: couldn't wait for me to be their mom. The I
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: love you part was quick. I felt honestly like it
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: was flirty and harmless. And I say that because I
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: feel like there have been far worse things said to me,
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: or far worse comments. Guys who have said totally slimy things,
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: are asked for things, or make comments about.
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: My body or the way that I look.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: Or things like that that I have just felt like
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: we're much more dangerous or damaging. So I felt like,
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: I see this, I see you. You're not that dangerous.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: You just are kind of being dumb right now, is
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: honestly what I felt like that was. But it wasn't
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: to where it made me extremely uncomfortable like other people
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: had before. The face time connect was fun, it was exciting.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: He felt to me like he hit all the things
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: that I was looking for. I also kind of felt
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: a little bit of thank God that there's someone out there.
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: You know, I need to get to know this person more,
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: but there's someone that I can actually feel like matches
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: kind of what I'm looking for and has these qualities
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: and I can have a conversation with. And that felt
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: like a good step forward down the path that I've
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: been wanting to go down for a while. He had
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: called me and he said, what are you doing fourth
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: of July? And I said nothing. He said, well, why
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: don't you come out. I'd love to spend time together.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: And that meant a lot to me because I felt like,
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: again it spoke to he's serious, he has an intention
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: behind this, He's not just all talk. And I was
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: open to it.
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: Again. I loved it out there.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: I felt like it was kind of an adventure and
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: it was fun and why wouldn't I And at that
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: point we had been talking for a while. But prior
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: to that, before I booked my flight, I called him
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: and I said it kind of in a joky way.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: I have my little bank of questions, but I said, hey,
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: I just want to del check before I do this.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: You don't have any wives or weird hobbies. I had
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: been talking to someone for a while and then it
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: turned out that he was like a tarantula lover and
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: how he had twelve tarantulas.
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: They scare me, and.
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: So he knew that we had talked about it, and
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: I just want to know if I'm getting into anything
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: weird before I come out there. And he said, and
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: again I loved this about him. He said, no, no
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: wives or snakes or weird things. He said, I do
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: have a DUI from a bad decision when I was younger,
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: but no domestic stuff or fights or anything like.
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: That's it. And I was like, okay, Like that was honest.
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: That was straight up.
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: I obviously don't love that there's anything on the record,
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: but I valued the honesty and like being transparent about that.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: So I ended up flying out there. That's the first
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: time I met him was over Fourth of July weekend.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: We had a magical weekend. That weekend was a total
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: lightning bolt. I felt like a movie in a lot
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: of ways. He wrote that perfectly. I felt like, finally
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: someone knows what they want and are speaking that out
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: into existence. Part of what happened and so quickly is
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: that we were intertwined with each other's families, and that
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: happened very very fast. That's a value that's near and
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: dear to my heart. It's probably one of the biggest ones.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: And he knew that, and he introduced me to his
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: family very quickly. He and I were sitting out on
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: the deck and he's basically telling me, you don't know
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: how big of a deal it is that you and
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: I are allowed here. We are on his family property,
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: and he said, you know, my parents don't allow anyone here.
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: It's such a big deal that you're here and that
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: you and I have this space to ourselves. And that's
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: when I said, well, what did you tell your parents?
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: He said that you know that you're my girlfriend. It's
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: a head tilt and you're like what. I felt like,
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: I love that I don't have to question where I'm
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: at with him, and so I appreciated that. And on
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: the other hand, I felt like kind of just told
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: me what we are eating an ask. It's not like
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: I'm asking you to do some big, huge thing to
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: become my boyfriend. But I think a conversation's warranted if
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: you're entering into a relationship, and that didn't happen, and
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: so that that was how that conversation started. Obviously, my friends,
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: my close friends, they think it's their favorite game to
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: track me and track my location. They think I'm a
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: little sim or something. They know I'm going to meet
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: him and everything, and they're like, we see you've landed,
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: we see your you know here, how's it going? And
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: everyone's texting me. And then he said, well, let's take
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: a picture and send it to them. So we took
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: our first picture together, and you know, when my friends
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: asked me how it's going. We have this picture of
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: us beautiful sunset time on the deck, smiling, and I
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: sent it to my friends and I said having a
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: boyfriend or whatever. And I have all these responses and
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: replies of them saying, oh my gosh, like you're in love,
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: look at your face, like we know you're moving. I
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: just looked happy. That was great until we hit our
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: first roadbump. He invited me on a big family trip.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: It was a big deal for their family, a lot
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: going on. It was something that they do annually, but
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: it was everyone. It was mom, dad, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone.
• 16:09
  Speaker 4: Again, you can say fast.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: And I felt that, and I felt nerves, but I
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: also felt like what we were going to do and
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: where we were going was something that was so up
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: my alley.
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: It sounded so fun.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: And I also felt like I cherish family, He cherished family,
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: and I felt honored that he would invite me to
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: do that and that I would have that opportunity and
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: that opportunity to meet a lot of people at once,
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: and you know, that was kind of rare. I feel
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: like within two hours, probably two hours of being there,
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: and I was with his mom, his dad was outside
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: with him working on something, and his mom was with me,
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: and she ended up on the phone on speaker with
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: someone and they said Alan and him are going to
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: be coming by. They're with us now, we'll all be
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: together later or something, and the person said, who's Alan?
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: Who's that? I can't keep track of them, and his
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: mom's face just goes blank.
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: It's on speakerphone.
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: I'm just kind of standing there smiling and looking out
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: the window, like can't escape this. And she gets off
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: the phone and she says, I'm so sorry. You know
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: how family is. And I said, you know, it's fine.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: I said, does he date a lot of people? And
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: she said, oh, no, but you know his situation with
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: his ex And I said, actually I don't. I said,
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: all I know is that it's an ex and that
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: you guys really do not feel fondly of her. That
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: was always the narrative I got was that it was
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: a very tumultuous relationship that he had been in with her,
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: and it was rocky, and it was kind of back
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: and forth sometimes, and that the family had very strong
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: opinions about it, and that's all I know. And she said, oh,
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: she's kind of shoeing me out the door. And she said, oh, well, yeah,
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: you guys can talk about that. Talk about a gut punch.
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: And I go walls up when I get triggered sometimes
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: or just I'm like, I'm supposed to be here for
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: literally a week with these people, and the person who
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: I thought was my partner or had my back in this,
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: I'm now questioning. And so he and I were in
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: the truck after that we had to drop his mom
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: off somewhere, and so they were in the front seat.
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: I was in the back seat. We drop her off
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: and he says, how's your time with my mom? And
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: I said, well, what's going on with your ex? And
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: he paused for a minute, he got quiet, and then
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: he said I knew she would do this. And I said, well,
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: what's she talking about then? And he said, that's my mom, classic,
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: my mom. She's always got to stir the pot. She's
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: always got to say something. He said, there's nothing going on.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: I said, well, why is she eluding? What's she even
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: talking about? We kind of went back and forth, back
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: and forth. And we pull up, we're checking into our hotel,
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: and I'm freaking in the back seat, like what are
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: we even doing here? And he comes around and he
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: opens the door. He lays his head on my lap
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: and he says, baby, you have nothing to worry about it.
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: I'm so so sorry.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: And we get to the hotel room and I look
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: him dead in the eyes and I say, if you
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: have anything to tell me, you need to tell me now.
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: Said I don't understand what she would even be talking about,
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: why she would bring that up, And he says, there
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: is nothing. He said, my family really has issues with her,
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: they don't think fondly of her. It's a sticking point,
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: but there's nothing going on. His family was also backing
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: it up, and I said, okay, And that is what
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: I was told multiple times throughout that week she was
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: brought up. I was mistaken for her, and that was
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: a really, really tough week for me. We were on
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: FaceTime and I had seen his house and asked him
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: to show me around, because multiple times my dad had said, oh,
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: you haven't been to his house. That's weird. And I said, Dad, like,
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: come on, I know it's weird, but also it just
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: hadn't happened that way. We had been traveling a lot,
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: we had been doing stuff, and I said, I know,
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: but I've seen it on FaceTime. He's walked me around.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: I've seen stuff. And so this time when we were
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: on FaceTime, he happened to be upstairs in a bed
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: and it hit me because the bed had red sheets
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: in a fuzzy blanket and everyone knows that's not normal.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: And I said, where are you and he said, I'm
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: in my room and I said I want to see
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: it and he said no, and I said, you better
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: show me that room right now. And he panned the
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: room really quickly, and all you see is stuff in
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: boxes and piles of stuff. And I said, it is
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: that girl stuff and he said, well yeah. And that
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: was the first time that it was introduced that she
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: was not present. And from there the narrative consistently changed.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: The goalpost consistently changed. So it went from I'm single,
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: to she has stuff here, she needs to come get
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: the rest of her stuff too, I'm moving it into
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: a storage unit, to oh, I hear her in the
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: background one night and she's coming to get her stuff.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: She just showed up to she actually found out about you,
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: And now she's refusing to leave. She's on the lease
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: and I can't get her to leave. It just consistently changed.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: It was always that they were not together. Her presence
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: in our life and in our relationship grew throughout the months.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: And I said, okay, and I pressed him on. I said,
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: what else is there? I said, do you share anything?
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: Will there'd be a Netflix bill that comes up in
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: a few months, Is there anything that she's still on?
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: And you know, no, no, no, no, no, it's really
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: this And so you know what, he was working really
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: hard at the time. I bought him a massage. That day,
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: he went and had his massage, He did the storage unit.
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: He was so excited. He sent me a photo. He
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: sent his family a photo. His family was aware of this,
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: you know, he sent them a photo. And so when
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: he came to see me, my narrative was, it's separated
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: and done. He's very smart, and so these things would happen,
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: but it would always be flipped in a way to
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: where I would either feel bad for him and the
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: stress that it put him under or what he was
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: going through. He would become distraught that I was distraught,
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: or he would become upset that I was upset, And
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: so I felt like, well, if he's having those feelings,
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: I didn't feel like I was being duped. I felt like, Oh,
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: we're in this together, and this is a crappy situation,
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: and I felt like we were kind of on a
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: team against this person who if you could just go away,
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: it would be so much easier kind of thing. His
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: behavior flipped a lot right after that Fourth of July weekend,
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: and when we were initially together, so prior to that,
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: he was always a ba answered every call, gave me
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: so much time, was on phone calls, FaceTime, texting all
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: this stuff, and then after that is really when you
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: see the behavior start to flip a little bit. And
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: it's not that he wasn't there, it's just that a
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: little less available, or would miss a phone call, or
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: I'm really tired, can we talk tomorrow? Or I would
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: get a little less and less and it would change
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: a little bit. You know, that's after I'm already hooked
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: and in, and it would shift a little bit. It
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: was definitely a turning point. It left me a phrase
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: I kind of always uses, just strung out. We spent
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: a lot of time together and I really met his
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: extended family, and then he's in town. He came in
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: he was going to meet my parents where around that
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: day we had talked about marriage before, we had talked
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: about kids, how we would want to raise kids, what
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: we want that to look like, everything. So we were
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: having very serious conversations. This wasn't just where do you
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: want to go to for dinner type of relationship. And
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: we were out that day and he said, do you
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: want to go to a jewelry store?
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: I'd really like to go look at rings.
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: So this was, you know, prior conversation, and I said,
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: I kind of knew what I would want to do
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: in terms of a ring. I kind of have a
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: plan with some jewelry that is in our family. And
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: I also knew that the jeweler here it's a small town,
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: and I was like, I know that will get back
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: to my mom. I said, it's okay, we don't need
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: to do that. We talked about it at lunch. What
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: type of ring would you want? What do you want
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: it to look like? We had that conversation that we
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: go to dinner with my parents. It's great. We are
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: at home at my house and he's on cloud we're
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: both on cloud nine, but he is just over the
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: top and it comes out, you know, would you marry me?
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: And I said yes, and he's crying, he's so just elated.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: We were having a really intimate conversation and he said,
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh, you didn't even say yeah.
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: You said you actually said yes. And I was like, yeah,
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: this isn't an LOL moment.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I said the full ye yes, you know, and
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: that was that. And I don't think I was hesitant
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: to accept it because I was so in love and
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: I knew that this was the person I was going
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: to spend my life with it also was not.
• 25:19
  Speaker 4: At all how I envisioned accepting a proposal.
• 25:22
  Speaker 3: There are things where I felt like, I want the
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: one knee, I want the ring, I want him to
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: know my brother. He didn't have a chance to meet
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: my brother, and at that point in time, there were
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: some things that were going on in our relationship that
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: needed to be worked on. So again I felt like,
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: I'm in love with you. I accept this. This is
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: a commitment that I'm making, but this isn't something that
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: I'm again going around and sharing. He says, we need
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: to call and FaceTime my sister and I love his sister,
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: and I said, I really don't want to do that
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: and tell people. I don't feel right about that. My
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: family and I are extremely extremely close, and I would
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: feel I don't feel right telling part of yours and
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: not telling mine. It's not how I do it and
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: my family. I know better than that. And he said, please,
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: she loves you, She'll be so excited for us, and
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: he just he worked me, worked me, worked me, until
• 26:15
  Speaker 3: finally we're sitting on FaceTime calling his sister and she's screaming, crying, elated,
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: asking how he did it and all this stuff. So
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: his sister is the only one who knew. We asked
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: her not to tell anyone. I never told anyone. I
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: knew it would eventually happen, but I never told anyone
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: in my family. I told my mom would ask and
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: I say, we've talked about marriage. I said, I think
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: I'll be engaged by the end of the year. We
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: had those conversations, so she knew it was coming and everything,
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: but didn't know that we had actually had that event occur.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: But when we were with his sister, she would introduce
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: me to friends or to random people or whatever as
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: his fiance, and so it was a very double life
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: a little bit that we lived there. It's separated and done.
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: The night after he left here after the engagement is
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: the first night that I heard another woman in the background,
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: and that was her, and that is when I realized
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: that she was not gone and that he was not truthful.
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: So he had after the engagement, he had left here,
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: but after I had gotten home. I mean, I think
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: we had a cycle of I would usually send a
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: novel text and be like, we need to work on this.
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: I'm not tolerating this, and it would come back around
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: to I love you, I'm sorry. I agree, I'm working
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: on it. We're working on it. It's going to be great.
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: And tomorrow was a new day. The conversations really just
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: were honestly surrounding housing. That was kind of our conversation
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: at this point in time was I need to get
• 27:59
  Speaker 3: out out. Basically, he was saying, you know, we're both
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: on the lease. I can't get her off the lease.
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: And he said, I've talked to police, I've talked to everyone.
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: I've talked to my landlords. I have to be the
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: one to leave, so I can't. No one can make
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: her leave. And I said, okay, great, let's find you somewhere.
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: At that point in time, I was basically being a
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: little bit of a mom and I had my spreadsheet
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: going and I was looking up places that were month
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: to month, that would accept his dogs, that would whatever
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: fit the criteria that we had, because I just wanted
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: him somewhere safe, easy, that he could be, that I
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: could come visit and that would work until we moved
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: into his house. During this time, he'd be so either
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: so upset at night, she's awful, she's crazy.
• 28:43
  Speaker 4: I need to get out of here. What have you found?
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: Or he would be behavior wise very very picky.
• 28:50
  Speaker 4: I was kind of busted in my butt and he
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: would come back.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: And no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, and
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: maybe there was one yes, and you know, I was like,
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: you can't be this picky. And it's not forever. It's
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: maybe for a month or two, and I was like,
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: come on, dude, it's not that big of a deal.
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: And then he would say, you know, schedule me is showing.
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: I want to go see it. And I'd schedule it
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: and then he'd say I can't make it. And he'd
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: call the next day and say, hey, when's my showing.
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: And I was like, I canceled it. You said you
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: can't make it, and he's like, ah, I can do it,
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: you know. And so it was really this kind of
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: cycle and I would be working on stuff, he would
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: be golfing on the weekends. Then he'd come home and
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: be super frustrated. And it was a whole thing that
• 29:32
  Speaker 3: I was extremely frustrated by. That month as a whole
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: was what I refer to as dark. We didn't see
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: each other much that month, and it was really really
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: trying to try and kind of navigate that, but feel
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: like I didn't have his full assistance in working on that.
• 29:48
  Speaker 4: There was gas lighting.
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: But you know, one day I'd said, can we please
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: face him on Saturday? And we hopped on and it
• 29:54
  Speaker 3: had been hard to track him down that week, and
• 29:57
  Speaker 3: very early on he had said, oh, I think we
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: should swap locations like that would be kind of good,
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: you know, And so we had each other's locations. He
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: was never doing kind of anything different necessarily, and so
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: I would see that and get frustrated when I wouldn't
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: hear back sometimes, and so I'd said, let's FaceTime on Saturday.
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: I haven't we haven't really talked much this week. I
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: want to kind of run some housing stuff by you.
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: And I remember we got on and he said, Babe,
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: I really don't want to get into this. I really
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: don't want to get upset before I go golfing and
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: throw off my golf game. I just remember being gobsmacked
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: and saying, what are you talking about? You were not
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: Tiger Woods. It's a Saturday. Maybe you're going to go
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: hit some hit some balls or do you know a
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: few holes, But I'm not planning on being in an
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: argumentative state, and so can we please talk about this tomorrow?
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: Sure? Okay? Great? And pops off the phone.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: We never talked about it, but we started spending more
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: time together. I feel like we had a good little
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: run of time in September. Anytime we were together it
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: felt good, and we had time with his family. Anytime
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: we had time with his family, I felt like that
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: was really grounding, and so I always was encouraging of that.
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: We had a good time with his sister and her
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: family and friends, and then time with his parents another weekend,
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: and I felt like that would always kind of get
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: us on track. They didn't know all the details, but
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: they knew some bulk of what was going on and
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: what we were facing, and so they were helpful in
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: navigating that, and we were just kind of going through it.
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: We had a move date. I had a move date
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: of October. The end of October, we were kind of
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: pushing towards that. We didn't know where we would be
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: at housing wise. We had a few things up in
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: the air, but basically it was I'm moving, and we're
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: either going to get something temporary here or or move
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: into this place.
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: And that was that.
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: I had been ordering stuff to start packing up my
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: place here. I had started shutting down my life here. Yes,
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: I started not rescheduling with my hairdresser and not rescheduling
• 32:03
  Speaker 3: the dentist, and doing things to just phase out.
• 32:06
  Speaker 4: I guess you could say more so.
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: And people knew that, and they knew that I was moving,
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: and I made a pro con list, you know, spreadsheets
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: and pro con lists. That's me to a tee. I
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: guess after Labor Day he really screwed me on that,
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: intentionally unintentionally, the travel on that got really really messed up.
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: We were both supposed to be flying into the same
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: place and it just became a total mess to where
• 32:39
  Speaker 3: you know, he's he's saying, last minute, Oh, I can't go.
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: I have a sister texting me saying, I can't wait
• 32:45
  Speaker 3: for you guys to be here. I'm so excited. And
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: I am saying, what you haven't told your sister. I said,
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: I'm not telling your sister. This is not on me
• 32:51
  Speaker 3: to break your heart or we're not coming. And also,
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: I haven't seen you in a month, so if you're
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: not going, then I'm going to be coming out to
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: see you. And he said, I don't think that's a
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: good idea, And I what do you mean that's not
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: a good idea? Why can't I come see you, and
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: I'm frustrated and I'm annoyed, and so I cancel my
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: flight because I want the credit. And at the very
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: last minute, he says, oh, I can make it to
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: the airport, and I'm left sitting there with no flight
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: and I want to see you. It's been a month.
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: We've been having so many issues. His sister's like, you
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: need to come, you need to be on the I
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: need to see you, Like you have to be here.
• 33:24
  Speaker 3: And I end up getting in the car and driving
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: a whole day there and just I was like, what
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: are you doing. You don't do that to someone you love.
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: You totally just screwed me kind of, and oh, I
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: changed my in my return flight, I'm going to drive
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: home with you and then fly home. And he would
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: always kind of do it, always kind of make it
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: up a little bit. But I remember coming home from
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: that and making a pro con list of things that
• 33:49
  Speaker 3: I felt like, this is getting hard, and the ex
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: was far more present, but I'm still getting heavy feedback
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: of I've never seen my brother more happy. He's so
• 34:02
  Speaker 3: in love with you. You're a phenomenal person. I can't
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: wait for you to be my sister in law, like,
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: he's never been like this before. He's sitting me down,
• 34:11
  Speaker 3: telling me you're everything I've been looking for. You're my person.
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: I know that there's issues, but they're going to be
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: finished and done soon. And so, yeah, I was in
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: this really rough spot. My family is pretty ride or
• 34:29
  Speaker 3: die obviously, they don't ever want to see me upset.
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: I think the narrative that I was providing was he's
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: working a ton, and he was, and that I feel
• 34:40
  Speaker 3: like they thought that it was just hard distance wise
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: for us to be a part. And so I think
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: they were supportive of, well, go be together, figure it out.
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: His family's great to you. He's great. They met him,
• 34:53
  Speaker 3: they loved him when they met him. They're like, he's
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: so great, he adores you. It's going to be okay,
• 34:59
  Speaker 3: just like get through this rough patch. I just felt
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: like we were hitting wall after wall, and I think
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: every goalpost was moved every single time, and here's our
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: timeline for moving or here's our plan for getting you out,
• 35:17
  Speaker 3: or here's this or that, and everything was changing, down
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: to even the location of where I ended up moving
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: to change over Labor Day weekend. That was another curve
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: ball that was thrown and change, change, change, changed, change,
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: and so I definitely grew in frustration, but we just
• 35:39
  Speaker 3: had magical times together. There was a lot of love there.
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: I think again, I keep going back to family love.
• 35:46
  Speaker 3: His family wonderful, wonderful people. But I think, to me,
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: even knowing that there was an engagement, you have that
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: at least just get to a move, be together, live together,
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: get the day to day going, and I think it
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: will be a lot better because the main stressor honestly,
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: was not being together and was his ex. And I
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: just felt like, if we can close that gap, we're
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: going to be okay. And we had talked about a
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: lot throughout the weekend with his parents, down to talking
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: about a wedding date and when would you want to
• 36:22
  Speaker 3: get married, where would you want to get married. I mean,
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: we had talked about a lot of things, and I'm
• 36:26
  Speaker 3: not going anywhere. I think my focus is just making
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: it happen. And I had a lot going on in
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: my family at that time. I had two sick family
• 36:36
  Speaker 3: members and that was also a big focus in trying
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: to juggle that on top of this, and I just
• 36:45
  Speaker 3: go into kind of automatic, what needs to be done mode,
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: and that was kind of how I functioned or navigated.
• 36:51
  Speaker 4: That I think I had not been I want to
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: say aloud.
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: At his house, something had happened with his dog, and
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: I was asked by him to go in and leave
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: medication for the dog for his ex to give to
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: the dog.
• 37:09
  Speaker 4: No one was home, he wasn't even home.
• 37:11
  Speaker 3: I went in and did that, and it does look
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: kind of like a guy lives there. But at the
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: same time, there's market list on the fridge, and there's
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: a soccer schedule posted, and it became very apparent that
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: this was still a very integrated life, or that she
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: was very present still. So fast forward a few days.
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: He had been out of town for work and he said,
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: you know, I'm I'm not going to make it home
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: in time. We were supposed to go out of town
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: again together. She's gone this weekend. We can stay at
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: my house. And I wavered and I felt like he
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: was letting me in a little bit. And we were
• 37:47
  Speaker 3: months into this, months and months at this point into
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: this relationship, and I said, he's actually letting me in.
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: I'm okay. And so he was getting home very late
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: and he said, go on in. And I had one
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: of his dogs at that time, and so I went
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: in and I was there by myself, and whenever I
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: was without him or had his things, I would wash
• 38:10
  Speaker 3: his truck and get fuel and vacuum it and do
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: his laundry and fold his clothes and all this stuff.
• 38:16
  Speaker 3: And I'm so clean and such an organizer and all
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: this stuff. And I went into the house and there
• 38:22
  Speaker 3: were two rooms, and he had told me we stay
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: in separate rooms, and I one's very clearly a woman's room.
• 38:30
  Speaker 3: One is very clearly his room. I go up in
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: there and I'm like, I'm gonna wash the sheets, wash
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: his clothes, everything, and I'm just pulling stuff and I
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: lean down pull something, and outcomes lingerie from under his
• 38:46
  Speaker 3: bed and I just froze. And I look under there
• 38:51
  Speaker 3: and there's also a woman's shirt and a purse, and
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: I'm thinking, really fast, how do I want to handle this?
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: I texted him and I said, why is there lingerie
• 38:59
  Speaker 3: under your bed? And he responded and said, why are you.
• 39:04
  Speaker 4: Going through all my things?
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: And I just remember I was on his floor and
• 39:10
  Speaker 3: I started sobbing, and I said, how stupid am I?
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: Like it hit me like a wave and I how
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: dumb am I? That I am? In this situation and
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: that you just said that to me. Then he backtracks
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: and me, he says, this is totally her personality. She
• 39:28
  Speaker 3: would just throw that in there. She knows that you're around,
• 39:32
  Speaker 3: and she's done that before, and that's totally like her
• 39:34
  Speaker 3: to plant something. I was so hurt that he would
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: even say that to me to begin with, like why
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: are you going through my stuff? Because it had always
• 39:42
  Speaker 3: been with mine is yours? And also I'm just rude.
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: And there were a few other items in there, and
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: I said what are these? And I said why are
• 39:50
  Speaker 3: these here? And he said that's just like her. She
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: would totally put those in there. And I just didn't
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: respond and I shut it down, and I was like,
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: I can't be here.
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: This is not good for me. I started looking at hotels.
• 40:03
  Speaker 4: I have his dog. What do I do with his dog?
• 40:05
  Speaker 3: He's not going to be home till late, all this
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: stuff and I have my bag in the car and
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: all this stuff.
• 40:11
  Speaker 4: And his sister called and you know, how is it.
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: How are you guys having fun?
• 40:16
  Speaker 3: And I was like, you would not believe this, no,
• 40:20
  Speaker 3: And she totally talked me down. She said, alan, that's
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: something she would one hundred percent do you have to
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: know that. And she almost laughed at it. She was like,
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: that's comical that that happened. She said she would one
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: hundred percent plant that. How could you not see that?
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: And I was like, I was speechless. I'm still kind
• 40:42
  Speaker 3: of speechless. She said, you know he loves you. You
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: know that you guys are in this together. She said
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: that woman is evil. She will do anything to bring
• 40:51
  Speaker 3: him down. You have to know that. She said, you
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: rise above it. You throw it back in her room,
• 40:56
  Speaker 3: and you have a good weekend together. And that is
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: what I did. So I calmed down, I ordered dinner,
• 41:04
  Speaker 3: I did his laundry. I found another thong doing his laundry.
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: I threw it in her room. Turns out later that
• 41:10
  Speaker 3: that was not his ex's thong, that was another woman's song.
• 41:13
  Speaker 3: So I was just really doing the community's laundry at
• 41:16
  Speaker 3: that point in time. He got home late and I
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: was still angry, but I had gone to bed and
• 41:22
  Speaker 3: he came up. He flips the lights on. He said,
• 41:24
  Speaker 3: you're really going to fake asleep right now? And I said,
• 41:28
  Speaker 3: I'm really gonna be asleep right now, and he said, well,
• 41:32
  Speaker 3: come down. I haven't had He said, have you eaten.
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: It's like late, and I said yeah, and he said,
• 41:37
  Speaker 3: I'm going to be downstairs. So I go downstairs, and
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: you know, he had another present. It was this whole
• 41:44
  Speaker 3: I had this whole other birthday present for him.
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: It was out.
• 41:46
  Speaker 3: He had opened it and everything, and he's so happy.
• 41:49
  Speaker 3: He's in this good mood, all this stuff. And I said, well,
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: are we going to talk about this, you know, now,
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: or I may maybe tomorrow. You know, I'm tired, I'm
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: so worn out. And he he says, no, we can
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: talk about it now. And we're sitting there on the
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: couch and he says, you know, it's nothing. He said,
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: you also, you knew what you were getting into with this,
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: and I've always told you from the start that you
• 42:11
  Speaker 3: don't have to be in this relationship and you don't
• 42:13
  Speaker 3: have to do this. And I was floored because that
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: has never been a conversation. He's always teared up and
• 42:20
  Speaker 3: started crying if I've ever said anything to the effect
• 42:23
  Speaker 3: of I can't do this and if she continues to
• 42:27
  Speaker 3: be in our lives, I will not be here. He
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: has been so upset, and so he's sitting there nonchalant,
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: it's not a big deal. You're overreacting. You know, I've
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: told you this. I don't know why you're reacting this way.
• 42:40
  Speaker 3: And I got so upset again I'm not an argumentative person.
• 42:44
  Speaker 3: I finally just got up and walked away, and he said, oh,
• 42:48
  Speaker 3: there you go. Yeah, you would walk away right now.
• 42:51
  Speaker 3: And I got up. I walked up and went to bed.
• 42:54
  Speaker 3: He came up, didn't shower, it, didn't brush his teeth anything,
• 42:57
  Speaker 3: hopped in bed, put his arms around me, goes to sleep,
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: and the next day it's normal, it's fine. And it
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: bugged me. Anything like that irks me. And later in
• 43:08
  Speaker 3: the afternoon I said, I just are we okay?
• 43:10
  Speaker 4: What?
• 43:10
  Speaker 3: He goes, what are you talking about? And I said,
• 43:13
  Speaker 3: what obviously what happened?
• 43:15
  Speaker 4: Like where we're at?
• 43:16
  Speaker 3: And he he said, Alan, I don't dwell on anything,
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: absolutely not.
• 43:21
  Speaker 4: We're fine, We're working on our future. We're good.
• 43:24
  Speaker 3: And then that was that and we moved on and
• 43:26
  Speaker 3: we had the conversation. I said, if you ever don't
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: want to be with me, you need to let me know.
• 43:30
  Speaker 3: I said, please let me go. I said, I would
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: rather you be happy and be with her. I said,
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: I've been cheated on before. This is a very big
• 43:40
  Speaker 3: deal to me, I said please, And at this point
• 43:42
  Speaker 3: in time, I'm crying. I'm so emotional this weekend, and
• 43:44
  Speaker 3: I said, please let me go. I said, I I
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: don't ever want to stand in the way of you
• 43:48
  Speaker 3: being happy, and he all over me, holding my hand.
• 43:51
  Speaker 3: I would never do that. You're who I want to
• 43:53
  Speaker 3: be with. I would never cheat on you. I don't
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: have the time for that. No one has the time
• 43:57
  Speaker 3: for that. Wow, would I ever do that? This whole conversation,
• 44:00
  Speaker 3: he said, babe, just hold on another few weeks and
• 44:03
  Speaker 3: you're going to be out here. We're going to be
• 44:05
  Speaker 3: living together. She'll be out of our lives and it'll
• 44:07
  Speaker 3: be great. That was that weekend, and it was a
• 44:10
  Speaker 3: huge blow up to me, but it was just another
• 44:13
  Speaker 3: day for him kind of thing. So we spent that
• 44:24
  Speaker 3: weekend together. I rallied. It was a very rough weekend.
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: We were together and we were working through it, and
• 44:31
  Speaker 3: things aren't perfect. I was supposed to be coming out
• 44:35
  Speaker 3: again in another few weeks. This was the very start
• 44:37
  Speaker 3: of October, and I was house sitting at that point,
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: and it was always what's mine is yours, and I
• 44:43
  Speaker 3: was going to come out and he was going to
• 44:45
  Speaker 3: come stay with me and all this stuff. And so
• 44:47
  Speaker 3: that week things were normal, but the few days prior
• 44:51
  Speaker 3: to me coming out, things got a little odd. I
• 44:55
  Speaker 3: called him, I said, can we touch base. I'm supposed
• 44:58
  Speaker 3: to be coming out. I want to talk about the
• 45:00
  Speaker 3: weekend and if there's anything you want to do. And
• 45:03
  Speaker 3: it had happened before to where I would fly in
• 45:06
  Speaker 3: uber to his house and use a car or something
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: like that, and so I said, I think I'm gonna
• 45:12
  Speaker 3: fly in. Here's when I arrive. Can I come and
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: get the truck again and go from there? Then I'll
• 45:16
  Speaker 3: see you when you get off work. And he said
• 45:18
  Speaker 3: I don't want you driving the truck, and I was
• 45:20
  Speaker 3: really taken back by that. He'd always you know, what's
• 45:23
  Speaker 3: mine is yours. We're one and the same, and so
• 45:25
  Speaker 3: he said, I really don't think that's a good idea.
• 45:27
  Speaker 4: I don't want you driving the truck.
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: And I was taken back by that, and he was
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: just not in a good mood, and he said, I
• 45:32
  Speaker 3: actually think I want to go to the cabin this weekend.
• 45:35
  Speaker 3: And I was like, what are you saying, I'm going
• 45:38
  Speaker 3: to be in town when I finally come to town.
• 45:40
  Speaker 3: Why would you go somewhere else, and he just said, I,
• 45:42
  Speaker 3: you know, I really want to go up there, and
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: I said, well, I can't because I'm I have this commitment,
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: and so why wouldn't you spend time together and then
• 45:49
  Speaker 3: you can go And he said, don't ever tell me
• 45:51
  Speaker 3: that I can't go there. And I knew it was
• 45:53
  Speaker 3: a trigger because his ex was not allowed there on
• 45:57
  Speaker 3: that property, and I think that that was kind of
• 45:59
  Speaker 3: something that they had an issue with.
• 46:02
  Speaker 4: I said, I'm.
• 46:03
  Speaker 3: Never telling you where to go or what to do,
• 46:05
  Speaker 3: but I'd love to spend time with you. And I said,
• 46:07
  Speaker 3: let's just talk about this tomorrow, and so we got
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: off the phone. I'd fly out there the next day.
• 46:12
  Speaker 3: I said, can you let me know if you're going
• 46:13
  Speaker 3: to be coming, because I'm going to go to the store.
• 46:15
  Speaker 3: I'm going to get some food. And he says, I,
• 46:18
  Speaker 3: you know, it's going to be a long day, but
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: I'll let you know. And I just was like, he's
• 46:22
  Speaker 3: not not coming. I bought food, I started cooking dinner,
• 46:26
  Speaker 3: all this stuff.
• 46:26
  Speaker 4: I said. I saw his dough, I saw his location.
• 46:29
  Speaker 3: He's at home, super close by, and I said, okay,
• 46:32
  Speaker 3: Like in my mind, I'm like, see you soon. You'll
• 46:35
  Speaker 3: be here for dinner. I've been talking to his sister
• 46:37
  Speaker 3: about the recipe, like we're gonna have such a fun weekend.
• 46:40
  Speaker 3: He texted me and said, hey, I, you know this
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: relationship has gone too fast, and I think I need
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: some time. And I just remember, I just crumbled to
• 46:56
  Speaker 3: the floor.
• 46:58
  Speaker 4: And I knew and.
• 47:00
  Speaker 3: I just died inside. And I called and he didn't answer,
• 47:09
  Speaker 3: and I looked and his location was gone, and I knew,
• 47:14
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to call you again.
• 47:16
  Speaker 4: You know what you're doing.
• 47:18
  Speaker 3: And I was talking to his sister, So, I think
• 47:20
  Speaker 3: your brother just broke up with me. And she said
• 47:21
  Speaker 3: there's absolutely no way and I said I think so,
• 47:24
  Speaker 3: and she said no, he would never She said that
• 47:27
  Speaker 3: would never happen. And I said, I don't understand. And
• 47:31
  Speaker 3: I texted him back and I said, I don't understand.
• 47:33
  Speaker 3: Is this a breakup? And he said, I think for now, yes,
• 47:38
  Speaker 3: that's the best. I need to focus on myself. I
• 47:40
  Speaker 3: remember I called him one more time. He didn't answer.
• 47:43
  Speaker 3: His sister said, he stopped sharing his location with me,
• 47:48
  Speaker 3: so he stopped sharing his location with her as well,
• 47:50
  Speaker 3: and she's like, something's going on, and I just was hysterical. Like,
• 47:58
  Speaker 3: how could you do this to me?
• 48:01
  Speaker 4: What are you doing?
• 48:01
  Speaker 3: I know that you're like about ten minutes away from me.
• 48:04
  Speaker 3: This doesn't make any sense. You're also not answering the phone.
• 48:08
  Speaker 3: You're not giving me any kind of explanation. His sister
• 48:12
  Speaker 3: was really heavy on, well, there's something going on. What
• 48:15
  Speaker 3: does the ex have over him that's causing this to happen,
• 48:19
  Speaker 3: because this is not normal behavior, This is not him.
• 48:22
  Speaker 4: It was just an odd time. It was what is
• 48:24
  Speaker 4: going on?
• 48:25
  Speaker 3: So even though again even though it had happened to me,
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: it's what's going on with him, and something's going on,
• 48:32
  Speaker 3: and she's for the whole night racking her brain. She's like,
• 48:36
  Speaker 3: I can't believe this. He's not responding and they're doing
• 48:39
  Speaker 3: their whole brother sister thing. And even the next day
• 48:43
  Speaker 3: she said, you know, I finally told my parents and
• 48:45
  Speaker 3: I talked to his mom. I personally talked to his
• 48:48
  Speaker 3: mom at length, and she said, we never saw this coming.
• 48:51
  Speaker 3: We thought that you'd be our daughter in law. And
• 48:53
  Speaker 3: she said, I don't know what he's doing right now.
• 48:56
  Speaker 3: She said, we're concerned that he is making poor decisions
• 49:02
  Speaker 3: that he's made in the past. And I said, what
• 49:05
  Speaker 3: are you talking about like I didn't I know all
• 49:07
  Speaker 3: this was kind of news to me, and then it
• 49:09
  Speaker 3: started to make sense. The veil kind of dropped. And
• 49:12
  Speaker 3: then that night is when I I learned more. I
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: remember calling my mom and just I couldn't speak, and
• 49:23
  Speaker 3: she said, is it him?
• 49:25
  Speaker 4: What happened?
• 49:25
  Speaker 3: And I didn't even have to say anything, and even
• 49:27
  Speaker 3: my parents, my parents were like, maybe this is cold feet.
• 49:31
  Speaker 3: I know when my parents, you know, my mom said,
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: when when we first got together, you know, you're we
• 49:35
  Speaker 3: went on a great trip, and then your dad broke
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: up with me, and then he got cold feet, and
• 49:39
  Speaker 3: then he came back around. We were engaged and it's great.
• 49:42
  Speaker 3: That was always a perspective, like everyone saw the best
• 49:44
  Speaker 3: in him, and I just was crushed and I you're
• 49:52
  Speaker 3: it's all, it's all gone, and the blink of an eye,
• 49:54
  Speaker 3: what what was was no longer and I'm like, was
• 49:57
  Speaker 3: it even something?
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: I don't know? And I'm also out there.
• 50:01
  Speaker 3: I don't have my family, I don't have my friends,
• 50:03
  Speaker 3: I don't have anyone, and I know that he's very
• 50:06
  Speaker 3: close to me, but we're not in contact, and so
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: I'm like I feel very lost with that as well.
• 50:14
  Speaker 3: That day I think there was a lot of conversations
• 50:16
  Speaker 3: with family, a lot with his family and I. We
• 50:20
  Speaker 3: were very close, and you know, his parents were like,
• 50:23
  Speaker 3: we're trying to get a hold of him, and he's golfing. Surprise, surprise,
• 50:28
  Speaker 3: the man is on the golf course and he's telling
• 50:30
  Speaker 3: them you don't understand, you don't need to worry, like,
• 50:33
  Speaker 3: stop bugging me, stop butting in. I'm handling everything, and
• 50:37
  Speaker 3: I just what is going on. I don't understand, and
• 50:40
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to comfort myself. I'm laying on the couch
• 50:44
  Speaker 3: finally calming down a little bit. And his sister had
• 50:48
  Speaker 3: told me the night prior. She had said, why do
• 50:50
  Speaker 3: I have a Facebook message request from his ex? And
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: they just head to head clash. She said why do
• 50:58
  Speaker 3: I have it? And she said, how do I look
• 51:00
  Speaker 3: at it? And you know, I told her, I said
• 51:02
  Speaker 3: click here, look here, you know, go through. And she
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: looked at it and it was empty. It was basically
• 51:07
  Speaker 3: a request and then it was unsent, so there was
• 51:10
  Speaker 3: nothing there. And I had talked to her more the
• 51:14
  Speaker 3: next day and she said it got very messy.
• 51:17
  Speaker 4: She ended up making me cry. She said it was
• 51:20
  Speaker 4: very nasty.
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: She said, that is someone that you do not ever
• 51:22
  Speaker 3: want to talk to her, come in contact with, and
• 51:25
  Speaker 3: that was always the narrative was nasty, nasty, nasty, and
• 51:29
  Speaker 3: I knew her name. I'm sitting there on the couch
• 51:32
  Speaker 3: and I for some reason, I checked my Facebook messages,
• 51:37
  Speaker 3: which I never do. I look at the requests especially,
• 51:41
  Speaker 3: and I have a message request from her, and same thing,
• 51:46
  Speaker 3: a request, but it's an unset message, so there's nothing there.
• 51:49
  Speaker 3: And I just you know, you reach a point where
• 51:52
  Speaker 3: you're alone, but you also want answers. And I messaged
• 51:57
  Speaker 3: her and I said, can I help you? And she
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: responded immediately, and she said, this is who I am.
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: He's my boyfriend but also my fiance of however many
• 52:09
  Speaker 3: years we lived together. I just found a letter that
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: you wrote him the other day. He told me that
• 52:15
  Speaker 3: he broke up with you. She sent me screenshots of
• 52:18
  Speaker 3: his breakup texts, and she said, I also just found
• 52:22
  Speaker 3: out that he is dating or has been cheating on
• 52:25
  Speaker 3: both of us with many other women. And it goes
• 52:28
  Speaker 3: boom boom boom, boom boom, screenshots of everything, and she goes,
• 52:32
  Speaker 3: he's right here if you want to talk to him.
• 52:34
  Speaker 3: It's just a bomb. I called and I, she answered.
• 52:39
  Speaker 3: She says very calmly, and she says, hi, Alan. She
• 52:42
  Speaker 3: goes here, he is, if you want to talk to him,
• 52:43
  Speaker 3: and she puts it on speakerphone and holds it up
• 52:46
  Speaker 3: to him, and he gets nasty and he says awful things,
• 52:50
  Speaker 3: and she goes, yep, that's how he talks to me
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: all the time. And I just can't speak. And again
• 52:58
  Speaker 3: I go into him, so sorry. I didn't know, and
• 53:02
  Speaker 3: you know, I knew, but I didn't know, and I
• 53:06
  Speaker 3: just said I'm so sorry. I didn't ever mean to
• 53:10
  Speaker 3: come between you two. I didn't realize. And she was like, yep,
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: this is what my life is. And then she starts
• 53:17
  Speaker 3: hitting me with question, question, question, question of well, how
• 53:21
  Speaker 3: long have you been together and what have you been doing?
• 53:22
  Speaker 3: And I just said, I'm so sorry. I can't even
• 53:25
  Speaker 3: talk right now. I think I said I'm sorry a
• 53:28
  Speaker 3: million times. I called my mom and I said, well,
• 53:31
  Speaker 3: it's a lot worse than we thought. And I called
• 53:34
  Speaker 3: his sister and I had to call his parents, and
• 53:39
  Speaker 3: I said, I think there's a lot more that's going
• 53:41
  Speaker 3: on here. And I'm now spreading the news of what's
• 53:44
  Speaker 3: going on and filling in the families and breaking everyone's
• 53:47
  Speaker 3: hearts of what's going on, and his parents had no idea,
• 53:51
  Speaker 3: sister had no idea. He had told his sister that
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: she had fully moved out, So I'm kind of igniting
• 53:56
  Speaker 3: a family feud there, and it just snowballed the information
• 54:00
  Speaker 3: and went haywire. He texted me, he called me, ignored it,
• 54:05
  Speaker 3: and then he called me again. He said, I'd like
• 54:07
  Speaker 3: to come see you face to face. And I said,
• 54:09
  Speaker 3: I don't know what you could possibly have to say
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: to me, and he said I know, And I said, fine,
• 54:14
  Speaker 3: I think I was just curious, I guess what, And
• 54:17
  Speaker 3: also I just what are you gonna possibly say? And
• 54:21
  Speaker 3: he came and he sat down across from me, and
• 54:24
  Speaker 3: he couldn't look at me. And I said, so is
• 54:30
  Speaker 3: this true? I said, you've been seeing her, you've been
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: with her, and he said yep. And I said okay.
• 54:37
  Speaker 3: And I said, and you've been also cheating on both
• 54:40
  Speaker 3: of us then with other women, and he said yep.
• 54:44
  Speaker 3: And I said okay. And I said, do you realize
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: that you've devastated two families completely? And he started, you know,
• 54:55
  Speaker 3: the alligator tears, he gets up, gets a tissue, comes
• 54:57
  Speaker 3: back down. He said yeah, you didn't deserve this. And
• 55:02
  Speaker 3: I said, damn right, I didn't deserve this. And I
• 55:07
  Speaker 3: said I don't know why you would do this. Both
• 55:09
  Speaker 3: of our families are shattered because of what you did.
• 55:13
  Speaker 3: And he just can't look at me. And I said,
• 55:16
  Speaker 3: is there anything else you want to say? And he
• 55:17
  Speaker 3: said no, and he gets up to leave and I
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: said there's nothing else you want to say and he
• 55:28
  Speaker 3: goes no. He said, so you're not going to tell
• 55:30
  Speaker 3: me that I should also probably go get tested for STIs.
• 55:34
  Speaker 3: He goes, well, yeah, I guess so, and I said okay,
• 55:38
  Speaker 3: because his ex had also told me she tested positive
• 55:41
  Speaker 3: for two that week in her first message, so it
• 55:44
  Speaker 3: was just a fun little bonus. So that was the
• 55:47
  Speaker 3: last thing he ever said to me. And he walked out.
• 55:50
  Speaker 3: I watched him drive away. He texted me later he said,
• 55:53
  Speaker 3: don't let her bring you into this. I said, I
• 55:55
  Speaker 3: think that you did that and he said yeah, I'm sorry,
• 55:59
  Speaker 3: and I said, please go get help. It was a
• 56:02
  Speaker 3: parent that there was some dependency issues. I said, please
• 56:04
  Speaker 3: go get help and he said, I'm actually the only
• 56:06
  Speaker 3: competent one here. And today's a new day. It actually
• 56:09
  Speaker 3: feels really good that this is all out in the open,
• 56:12
  Speaker 3: and I said, you need help and he said that
• 56:16
  Speaker 3: means a lot that you really believe in me. And
• 56:18
  Speaker 3: I said, I I want you to get help. I
• 56:22
  Speaker 3: hope you do. You know, the only competent one really
• 56:27
  Speaker 3: got me. And I said, okay, the mask has fallen
• 56:29
  Speaker 3: and you were not who I thought you were. I
• 56:32
  Speaker 3: don't know this person, you know, And he said that.
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: He said, I feel better. Everything's out in the open,
• 56:37
  Speaker 3: and to me, I'm like, you have. Nothing's better. You
• 56:42
  Speaker 3: just destroyed from there. More and more would only come
• 56:47
  Speaker 3: out in the weeks to follow, but he felt fine
• 56:49
  Speaker 3: about it, and that was kind of our conversation. He
• 56:53
  Speaker 3: texted me the next morning and said, I love you
• 56:56
  Speaker 3: so much. I never meant to hurt you. I never
• 56:59
  Speaker 3: said I was using you as a prop for my family.
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: But it really hurts that you're choosing to believe all this.
• 57:05
  Speaker 3: But I also understand it because I lied to you.
• 57:08
  Speaker 3: It's like it's all in writing, like you just tied
• 57:12
  Speaker 3: it up with. But I did lie to you, bo,
• 57:14
  Speaker 3: And I said, I think how you use people as sick.
• 57:18
  Speaker 3: I think that you are sick. I said, you promised
• 57:22
  Speaker 3: me a life. You promised me a future. You gave
• 57:26
  Speaker 3: me all these things and said all these things, and
• 57:28
  Speaker 3: it meant nothing. And I said, I think that you
• 57:31
  Speaker 3: are very sick, and I pray that you truly get
• 57:36
  Speaker 3: help because of what you've done, and I hope that
• 57:41
  Speaker 3: that happens for you. And that was the last time
• 57:45
  Speaker 3: we ever talked.
• 57:48
  Speaker 4: That was the end.
• 57:53
  Speaker 2: When I spoke with Alan, I asked her to reflect
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: on the factors that led to her overlooking or downplaying
• 57:58
  Speaker 2: her partner's behavior.
• 58:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was just bizarre, and there were many bizarre things.
• 58:03
  Speaker 3: I think I didn't fully register. He said some things
• 58:06
  Speaker 3: that were so outrageous very quickly, or just so off
• 58:12
  Speaker 3: the wall very quickly, and I think that kind of
• 58:13
  Speaker 3: caught me off guard. And I always see the best
• 58:18
  Speaker 3: in people, or want to see the best in people.
• 58:19
  Speaker 3: I think part of his gift is that he always
• 58:23
  Speaker 3: made me feel desired and safe and beautiful and like
• 58:27
  Speaker 3: it was everything he wanted. So I never really felt
• 58:29
  Speaker 3: like it was a challenge to meet his standards. I
• 58:32
  Speaker 3: felt like he was just gobsmacked with me kind of thing,
• 58:37
  Speaker 3: and that just goes into the love bombing from there.
• 58:41
  Speaker 2: I was curious about what meet her so open to
• 58:43
  Speaker 2: meeting someone out of her area, even if it meant
• 58:46
  Speaker 2: navigating a long distance relationship.
• 58:49
  Speaker 3: Well, I think he probably had a lot of reasons
• 58:51
  Speaker 3: that it worked out for him. For me, I think
• 58:55
  Speaker 3: I was open to anything. It's not that I wasn't
• 58:58
  Speaker 3: open to meeting someone here, of that would be so
• 59:01
  Speaker 3: much easier, But I also think in general, I was
• 59:04
  Speaker 3: just open to meeting my person and finding out what
• 59:08
  Speaker 3: was out there. And I also feel like I had
• 59:12
  Speaker 3: had a lot going on work wise and things, and
• 59:14
  Speaker 3: so I'm also not I was always kind of focused
• 59:17
  Speaker 3: on that too, and so not necessarily boy crazy. I
• 59:19
  Speaker 3: always kind of felt like I like doing my own thing,
• 59:21
  Speaker 3: and long distance is okay. If I don't see you
• 59:24
  Speaker 3: every single day, that that's fine.
• 59:26
  Speaker 4: So that was part of it.
• 59:27
  Speaker 3: I also knew I loved it out there and that
• 59:30
  Speaker 3: a move wasn't always off the table, So if I
• 59:32
  Speaker 3: ended up with someone out there, then that was an option.
• 59:35
  Speaker 3: There were a few things I don't obviously far less alluring.
• 59:38
  Speaker 3: Once you're in it and you're in love with someone
• 59:40
  Speaker 3: and you're in that phase of just feeling like I
• 59:44
  Speaker 3: want to be with you all the time, that wasn't
• 59:47
  Speaker 3: alluring at all, And became very, very difficult, but in general,
• 59:53
  Speaker 3: it wasn't something that I felt like was going to
• 59:55
  Speaker 3: stop me from wanting to try it or anything.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 2: I also wanted to know a therapy played a part
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 2: in her life, especially how it helped shape her decisions
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: during all the relationship drama.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 3: I have been going to therapy consistently for a long time.
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 3: That started when I was probably eighteen. I believe I
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 3: was referred to someone for chronic health issues, someone who
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 3: specialized in that kind of when they were like, we
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 3: don't know what to do with you, they sent me
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 3: to her. And so I've been seeing someone for a
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 3: long time, off and on. But at this point in time,
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 3: throughout this whole relationship, I was consistently every week seeing
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 3: my therapist when I was in town, and so she
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 3: knew about this relationship and we were kind of discussing it.
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 3: I disclosed I feel like everything, I usually kind of
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 3: look at myself as an open book. I do think
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 3: there were things in retrospect, though, that I didn't even
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 3: recognize as being extremely wrong that I didn't tell her
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 3: until after everything happened, and I would say, oh, yeah,
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 3: well this did happen, and she her eyes get big
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 3: and she's how did we not talk about that? But
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 3: throughout the process, she was really the main person that
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 3: I did confide in, and I would come back and say,
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 3: this is happening with the X or I don't understand
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 3: or I don't know what to do, and really with her,
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 3: I feel like and she'll say the same that we
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 3: were really working on my ability to trust in people.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 3: And I think that's something that I've always kind of
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 3: worked on after going through my chronic health issues, is trust.
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 3: In a way, I think I've I lost a lot
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 3: of trust in the medical system or in myself and
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 3: in people and just kind of working on that. And
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 3: I think that she and I were working on that
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 3: week by week and does this still feel good? And
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 3: how's it going and stuff like that, And so I
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 3: was confiding in her, but at the same time, she,
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 3: in retrospect.
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 4: Didn't know all that was going on.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 3: And I do have a few moments where I did
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 3: talk to my friends, they did become aware of the ex.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 2: And finally I asked her about the time she felt
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 2: stuck in limbo within the relationship and how did that
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 2: factor her ability to move forward.
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 3: Interestingly enough, my mom brought this up. She said, you know,
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 3: I noticed that you never actually packed to move. And
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 3: she said, you did everything. You told everyone, You bought
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 3: all the moving supplies possible, you looked at movers, you
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 3: had it circled on the calendar, everything, but you never
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 3: actually packed a single thing in your house. I just think,
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 3: knowing you and knowing how prepared you always are, that
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 3: that was kind of odd. And I think you kind
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 3: of knew that you weren't going to do it, or
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 3: that you were maybe waiting for something. And I said,
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: I never noticed that at all, But in my mind,
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 3: I was just waiting for We were waiting for something
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 3: to happen with his work. We were waiting for a
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 3: green light on something. And again he left me and
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 3: Limbo left me in Limbo, I just felt like weird
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 3: suspended state in retrospecting and knowing myself, I know my
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 3: body always knows. I think I was probably waiting for
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 3: something to happen, but my mind was probably going, but
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 3: my body was probably holding me back.
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 4: I think.
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 2: Alan quickly realized that she had rushed into a relationship,
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 2: eager to believe the best in her partner, despite sensing
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 2: that something wasn't quite right. She waited for a sign
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 2: that things would improve, but that moment never arrived. Now
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 2: on a journey to understand the deep impact of shattered
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 2: trust and betrayal, she is focused on rebuilding her self confidence, strength,
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 2: and personal boundaries. Allan has found a powerful outlet in
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 2: creating a podcast where she shares her own stories, invites
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 2: others to do the same, and uses her voice to
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 2: raise awareness about relationship trauma. Her mission is to support
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 2: those who are navigating similar challenges and to help them
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 2: find their own path to healing. Until next time, I'm
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 2: Jake Deptula and this is Love, Lust Fear. Every guest
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 2: featured on Loveless Fear selects at charity or organization to share.
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 2: Please check the show notes on this episode for more details.
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 2: If you are someone you know as being abused by
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 2: a partner, there is help available. The National Domestic Violence
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 2: Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 2: domestic violence. Just call one eight hundred seven nine to
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 2: nine safe that's one eight hundred seven nine seven two
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 2: three three, or you can text start to eight eight
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 2: seven eighty eight. If you'd like to be a guest
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 2: on Loveless Fear and share your personal dating and relationship story.
• 1:04:34
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• 1:04:37
  Speaker 2: or dm us on Instagram at loveless fear Pod. Disclaimer.
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 2: Information shared on this podcast should not be considered as
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 2: a professional advice or a substitute for seeking professional advice