Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / Compassionate Caregiver Tool-Kit with Leeza Gibbons

Transcript

Compassionate Caregiver Tool-Kit with Leeza Gibbons · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. I'm continuing my conversation with
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Lisa Gibbons, advocate, author and the founder of Lisa's Care Connection.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: We are talking about caregiving from the inside out, whether
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: you're in the thick of it, taking care of someone
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you love, or you know the day is coming. Lisa
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: is helping us start the journey with our feet on
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: solid ground. First things first, Lisa, how can we create
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: a new relationship with the person we're taken care of,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: even knowing ahead of time that this will be a
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: totally different relationship. How do we just, like, how do
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: we do that? How do we start?
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: It's going to be bumpy. Truthfully, it's not easy because
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: there is resentment or anger, great sadness, and a feeling
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: of not being prepared. Well. I got to tell you, guys,
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: no one is really ever ready to step into this
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: role of caring. The commonality is I can't do it.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I don't know what to do. And when someone has
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: a memory disorder, they can't even tell you if what
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: you're doing is helping, if it's making them better, if
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: it's if it's if they're if they're if they like
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: what you're doing. So I really think that the first
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: step is to come to terms with I'm not alone.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: There's a community out there. There are other people who
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: have been able to thrive and survive and cope and
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: care and find moments of joy in this reality, and
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: to connect with that strength, because there is strength in
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: our togetherness. And when you try to face this alone
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: and sometimes even with your biological family, you know, we
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: spend a lot of energy trying to get why doesn't
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: my brother show up the way I am Why can't
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: my sister or you don't contribute it as much as
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: I'm doing, and all those things that we tell ourselves,
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: and maybe they have different limits or different capacity. Maybe
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: it's not a good use of your time and your energy.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Try and bring people along to how you would want
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: them to be, because there's a logical family that can
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: fill those roles. We have a program called HUGS, which
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: stands for Helping You Grow Strong, and it's a peer
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: to peer mentor program. Think of like a sponsor, an
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: AA or something like that, where something amazing stood where
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: you stand. They know what you're going through. It's not
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: a clinician it's not a doctor. It's somebody who understands
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: your heart and your pain and has time to sit
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: with you, bear witness to your journey and offer you
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: their hope, their strength, or their tips, tricks and tools,
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: whatever they need.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: That's so important.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: I would really encourage people reach out to somebody else
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: to help shoulder this burden.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Yes, okay, So what is sanity sanctuary and how do
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I find one? What do we do there? Because I
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: know of this work that you do. What is a
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: sanity sanctuary?
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: A sanity sanctuary is simply the place where you can
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: reconnect with something that feels normal, sane, predictable, safe, secure
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: in a world that feels like this chaotic cuison art.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: And it's a place where when you look at your
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: life and everything is falling apart, it's a place where
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: you can actually contemplate that, Wait, I can rebuild tomorrow,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: even using the broken pieces of today. And so your
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: sanity sanctuary and mine may be something totally different. I
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: find sanctuary in community in a drum circle, for example,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: not talking to other people, but just being in that
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: vibrational energy and having the physicality, and that gives me
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: strength and it keeps me grounded.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, right, I love knowing this about you.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I would have never have looked for you in a
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: drum circle.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Well there you go.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: And also, the sanity sanctuary that we're speaking about is
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: not just something you need when you're a caregiver. This
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: sounds like a survival tactic for life.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Correct And so I remember when I was super busy
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: in my career. And by the way, if there are
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: people listening to us, and you know, life changes and
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: you need to reset or whatever you got or you know,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: you got depressed, you got divorced, all the things that
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: happened that you never envisioned for yourself, and you're at
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: a place where you want to just call for another
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: take and redo that. That that can happen at any age.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: And I don't mean to sound that it's simplistic. It's
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: not simplistic. But life changes in an instant, doesn't it.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: The minute you say I quit or I do, or
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: the minute you say no more. When you make a
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: declarative statement about what you will let in and what
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: you keep out of your life, there's immense power in that.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: And I think that when things don't add up, you
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: have to start subtracting, and sometimes to find your sanity sanctuary,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: you have to subtract the toxic people who are in
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: your life. And it may mean it's family members and
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: they're not helping you get through it, and you're spending
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: so much time just in strife with them rather than
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: moving forward with this reality. So put them on a
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: little elevator for a while and they're not going to
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: your floor. That's okay. Sometimes it's getting rid of commitments
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: that you don't have time for. When I was in
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: the throes of caring and I had a super busy career,
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: I look I was a charter member of the Perpetual
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: People Pleasers Club for sure, So I always wanted to
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: say yes to everything. But I realized that that was
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: hurting me and it was hurting my fing So I
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: came up with the system that worked for me, and
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: it was called Your Empowerment System y e S. So
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: I could say yes if it fit into my empowerment system.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: So for me, in order to feel empowered, I need
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: to feel like I have enough time, like I have
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: enough rest, like I have time to get ready and prepare,
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: like I'm working with people who are mutually respectful and
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: if I find things that are ancillary and they don't
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: fit that bucket, then I have really gotten good about
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: saying no.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: It's hard to do. I've been there and it's hard
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: to do, but it is important work that we have
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: to do, all right. Listen the Jonas Brothers here. Our
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: podcast is called Hey Jonas but Fire. Since everyone has
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: a podcast, we wanted to as well, and we've had
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: some incredible guests so far. And now our good friend
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Nile Horn is joining the show. I was going voice, hey, Nile,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: that's the same thing with Slolands. Is not about anything else, really,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: is it? You know? Or our tastes so good County
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: about food? You do the same, Nick, some of the
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: stuff that you've done, you too, Joe. Drop what you're
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: doing and listen to Heye Jonas on the iHeartRadio app,
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. I
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: have to ask you this. I've heard you say we
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: can take walks for five minutes, two times a day.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Five minutes that's really enough. Yeah, I'm into this. Five
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: minutes really can be enough. It can be a lot
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: for your brain health, for your emotional health. It can
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: reset your endorphins. It can recharge your breathing being outside
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: the sunlight and even walking not obviously directly into some light,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: but without your sunglasses for a minute. Yes, yes, the
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: writing about the sun you need any cryballs?
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: Correct. So those are the things that we're dismissive of
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: and we think, oh, it's just five minutes. Yes, it's
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: just five minutes. Come on, you can do that.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: You can do it, and it will help.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: It does help. It really does help. The simplest solutions
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: are the tried and true things. But I'm a big
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: one for saying, whatever you find helps you, that's your thing.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Don't apologize for it. If that's your sanity, sanctuary, you know,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: a court of Hoggen Dawes and a rom calm, then
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: that is your thing. Do that.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Don't tell my husband that. Don't give in more permission
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: for that one. It's more of court of ice cream
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: in some golf.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: But you know what, I keep thinking as I get
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: older that I'm going to get into golf, and I
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: keep wondering, maybe that's for my seventies. I'm knocking on
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: that door. Yeah, I know, my friends who golf talk
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: about how senatives and.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: Also very frustrating you can be very frustrating. But while
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: we're talking about I mentioned my husband, how do we
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: protect our relationships with our significant others and our children
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: when the person we're taking care of could take our
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: time twenty four to seven.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Well, that's where boundary setting becomes really really important, and
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: where selective editing in your life and subtracting becomes essential.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: But the work of a spouse who is the care
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: partner of the care partner, that's very hard work and
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: it requires that that person also be willing to understand
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: more about as much as he or she can about
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: what you're facing because these are this is an onslaught
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: of just emotional challenges that will come off as being
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: all consuming and new, and a lot of relationships are
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: strained right to the brink of unraveling when caring is involved.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: And that's another big reason why people need to reach
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: out to preserve their sanity, to preserve their relationships, and
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: to be able to show up for duty as a
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: loving husband, wife, sister, daughter, son, but also to know
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: that the way to love that person is to first
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I think balance is bogus, by the way, but to
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: try and calibrate your life, it's not going to feel balanced.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: It's going to feel wildly out of balance, but it
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: can be calibrated.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you can make up for it a
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: little here, a little there, but it's definitely something you
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: have to work at because I know me, like I
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: will put my mom to bed earlier. She doesn't care
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: that I'll give me a little extra time with my
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: husband in the evening.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: Systems just leystems, we're little, we learned systems right, and
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: it's kind of relearning them through through a different lens.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: And a lot of caring for people like our moms
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: comes down to managing behaviors. And to manage the behavior,
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: you have to get out of your head and quit
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: thinking that you're going to change the behavior. You're going
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: to just figure out how to make it less stressful
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: for everyone, right a way around it.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's tricky, it's super super tricky. But what the
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: last question I'll ask you is how do we forgive
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: ourselves if we feel like we're failing or we do
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: lose our patience or were we can't do everything we
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: think we could do. Like I've been entering into the situation,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I thought, oh, yeah, I can do this. I can
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: look at me, I can do anything, but I'm realizing
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: that maybe I cannot do this.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Boy, do I relate to that question. You're going to
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: feel like you're failing. You're going to feel guilty. You're
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: going to mess up, You're going to raise your voice,
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: You're going to say the wrong thing. You're going to
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: get argumentative with this person that you love so much,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: and you're going to say things like I just told
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: you that, well, you know, helping, but yet here you are.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: Yes, you're frustrated.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: It's frustrating as hells. So I think it's just begin again,
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: begin again, and remember that you get to reset. And
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: that's the great thing about the diseases. Your loved one
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: probably really can help you begin again because they probably
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: won't remember that that happened. I do think, though, that
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: the guilt and the exhaustion that comes from that can
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: be really, really overwhelming. And it was for me, and
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: I grew up in a business where you know, I
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: was a talks for a lot of years, so I
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: had to keep the conversation going and just keep talking.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: And that didn't help with my mother when silence was
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: the way to be in relationship with her and just
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: hold her hand while we listened to music. I didn't
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: have to go into my set point, which was find
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: a solution, fix it, come up with an answer. I
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: had to kind of use a lot of the things
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: that my mother used to tell me growing up. Is
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: you know, show up, do your best, let go of
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: the rest. That letting go of the rest part is
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: the magic, and that's the hard part. Yeah.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: Well, thank you. You sharing your stories helps me feel
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: better in mine. So I really appreciate you being here
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: with us and spending your time with us.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I appreciate you letting me be part of your community.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: It has been a pleasure so lovely. I hope to
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: see you again, I share.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Hope to run across. Maybe someday on a golf course.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, that's about as likely as on a racetrack,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: but it could happen. I'll meet you in a drum circle.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Okay, I love that. I'll do that. Thanks Lisa.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: All right, bye for now.