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Boundaries CTF School of Ministry #6 · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

0:11
SPEAKER_02: All right.
0:12
SPEAKER_02: If you would open up to Genesis 3 again.
0:14
SPEAKER_02: Let's look at that.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: We're still on that first point on what do healthy boundaries look like.
0:20
SPEAKER_02: Know yourself, like yourself, be yourself.
0:23
SPEAKER_02: But I want to show you something in Genesis 3.
0:26
SPEAKER_02: We've already looked at verse 10, but I want to just show you another little phrase that the Lord used to help me, to help jar me to get this stuff.
0:43
SPEAKER_02: Genesis 3.10, right after what we call the fall, you know, the enemy came.
0:49
SPEAKER_02: In fact, if you look at verse 1, I don't have mine in front of me.
0:52
SPEAKER_02: Let me see verse 1 real quick.
0:55
SPEAKER_02: If you look at Genesis 3, verse 1, it says, Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field, which the Lord God had made.
1:03
SPEAKER_02: And he said unto the woman, Yea, has God said.
1:08
SPEAKER_02: One translation says, indeed has God said.
1:12
SPEAKER_02: Here's an important thought I would give you.
1:15
SPEAKER_02: The enemy's number one tactic is to challenge God's word.
1:22
SPEAKER_02: To challenge God's word.
1:23
SPEAKER_02: Now, what does that mean to you and I sitting here today?
1:26
SPEAKER_02: I would say to you this 30, almost 30 years as a pastor and counselor, spending hours a week in the guts and glory of people's lives, talking about their problems, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
1:38
SPEAKER_02: I would say this to you.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: Every battle you face, every single battle you face, directly or indirectly, is over God's word.
1:50
SPEAKER_02: Really, if you think about it, every battle you face boils down to whether or not you believe what God says.
1:58
SPEAKER_02: Whether or not you feel loved, boils down to whether you believe what he said.
2:05
SPEAKER_02: How many of you agree the Bible says he loves us?
2:09
SPEAKER_02: So if you don't feel loved, guess what?
2:12
SPEAKER_02: You don't believe his word.
2:15
SPEAKER_02: Now I don't say that to make you feel bad.
2:17
SPEAKER_02: What I'm saying to you is number one, words are really, really important.
2:22
SPEAKER_02: Number two, the enemy's always after words, uses words, distorts words, twists words, and wants you to never learn how to use words correctly.
2:37
SPEAKER_02: So every battle you face, there it is right there in Genesis chapter 3, the first words that come out of his mouth.
2:44
SPEAKER_02: This is the first time we ever see the devil in the whole Bible.
2:47
SPEAKER_02: And the first thing he says, God didn't say that.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: The first thing he says, God didn't say that.
2:56
SPEAKER_02: How many of you realize that's at the bottom of every problem you have?
3:01
SPEAKER_02: God didn't say that.
3:04
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that amazing?
3:06
SPEAKER_02: You're going through a patch where you don't feel good about yourself.
3:10
SPEAKER_02: And you remember some of this teaching and you sit down and start in a journal and you say, God, thank you that you love me.
3:18
SPEAKER_02: Now, you're not feeling his love, but you're choosing to believe it's true.
3:24
SPEAKER_02: You see what I'm saying?
3:25
SPEAKER_02: So you're writing, God, thank you that you love me, even though you don't feel it right then.
3:31
SPEAKER_02: And then this little voice says, God didn't say that.
3:37
SPEAKER_02: Right then, you either win or lose.
3:41
SPEAKER_02: Right that moment, you either win or lose by who you decide to believe.
3:49
SPEAKER_02: I want to God to bring me a wonderful husband, God to bring me a wonderful wife.
3:55
SPEAKER_02: I believe God has an amazing plan for me to have a great marriage and kids.
4:02
SPEAKER_02: God didn't say that.
4:05
SPEAKER_02: That's not gonna happen for you.
4:07
SPEAKER_02: It might happen for everybody else in this room, but it's not gonna happen for you.
4:13
SPEAKER_02: Now you got to decide.
4:18
SPEAKER_02: Who are you gonna believe?
4:21
SPEAKER_02: Hebrews chapter 4, verse something, five or six, somewhere in there, four, five, or six, says this the word they heard did not profit them because they didn't mix it with faith.
4:37
SPEAKER_02: What are you trying to say, dude?
4:40
SPEAKER_02: God's gonna give me an amazing marriage, amazing life, amazing calling, amazing whatever.
4:48
SPEAKER_02: Then the little voice says, God didn't say that to you.
4:52
SPEAKER_02: You're making that up.
4:54
SPEAKER_02: You don't deserve that.
4:59
SPEAKER_02: What they heard didn't profit them because they didn't mix it with faith.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: What does that mean?
5:06
SPEAKER_02: The critical hinge moment is whether you believe.
5:12
SPEAKER_02: Now here's the thing you got to remember: believing and feeling aren't the same thing.
5:19
SPEAKER_02: Believing and feeling aren't the same thing.
5:21
SPEAKER_02: You can believe it and not feel it yet.
5:26
SPEAKER_02: But if you believe it, you will eventually feel it.
5:32
SPEAKER_02: But if you wait till you feel it to believe it, you may never believe it.
5:37
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
5:38
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna say it again.
5:40
SPEAKER_02: You don't have to feel it to believe it.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: But if you believe it, you will eventually feel it.
5:49
SPEAKER_02: But if you wait to feel it before you believe it, you may never believe it.
5:58
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
6:02
SPEAKER_02: All right, let's use God's love.
6:04
SPEAKER_02: How many of you believe God loves you?
6:07
SPEAKER_02: How many of you feel it to the degree you want to yet?
6:11
SPEAKER_02: My hands up, I do.
6:13
SPEAKER_02: Now, when I was learning this, I believed it before I felt it.
6:24
SPEAKER_02: But I wanted to feel it real bad.
6:28
SPEAKER_02: But I didn't let my feelings win.
6:33
SPEAKER_02: I believed it, therefore I said it before I felt it.
6:43
SPEAKER_02: Then eventually I felt it.
6:47
SPEAKER_02: But I believed it first.
6:49
SPEAKER_02: If you wait until you feel it before you believe it, you may never believe it.
6:58
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
7:04
SPEAKER_02: What am I really saying?
7:06
SPEAKER_02: I've learned to honor God's word above my feelings.
7:13
SPEAKER_02: I've learned to say God's not a man that he could lie.
7:19
SPEAKER_02: My feelings lie to me all the time.
7:22
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
7:25
SPEAKER_02: See, some of you sitting right here right now, your feelings say you're not valuable, you're not pretty, you're not popular, you're not whatever.
7:35
SPEAKER_02: Your feelings say that.
7:38
SPEAKER_02: Guess what?
7:40
SPEAKER_02: They're liars.
7:42
SPEAKER_02: God says, you're as valuable as my son Jesus.
7:49
SPEAKER_02: You're as valuable as my son Jesus.
7:51
SPEAKER_02: Your feelings say, er ain't so.
7:57
SPEAKER_02: You got to decide.
7:59
SPEAKER_02: Are you gonna believe your way into feeling?
8:03
SPEAKER_02: Are you gonna believe your way into feeling?
8:06
SPEAKER_02: Are you gonna wait around to feel your way into believing?
8:12
SPEAKER_02: I got a little bad news for you.
8:15
SPEAKER_02: If you want to feel your way into believing, you may never get there.
8:23
SPEAKER_02: You've got to risk.
8:27
SPEAKER_02: What would I act like if I believed God loved me?
8:32
SPEAKER_02: Imagine starting, getting off alone later today, and you say to yourself, what would I act like if I believed God loved me?
8:44
SPEAKER_02: And we're actually going to drift somewhere that I'll play with that in just a second.
8:50
SPEAKER_02: So you just think, would I act any different?
8:54
SPEAKER_02: You know, I probably wouldn't let that person's behavior bother me so much.
9:01
SPEAKER_02: You know what?
9:02
SPEAKER_02: I probably wouldn't care that much that that person doesn't seem to like me.
9:06
SPEAKER_02: You know what?
9:07
SPEAKER_02: I probably wouldn't worry so much about whether this situation's gonna work out the way I want.
9:12
SPEAKER_02: Because if I really believed God loved me, that stuff wouldn't bother me so much.
9:17
SPEAKER_02: Now, listen to me.
9:18
SPEAKER_02: It might still bother you some, but not as much.
9:25
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
9:27
SPEAKER_02: Please, listen, please, I beg you.
9:30
SPEAKER_02: No one's gonna do this for you.
9:34
SPEAKER_02: No one is going to do this for you.
9:39
SPEAKER_02: You have to learn to do this.
9:43
SPEAKER_02: You have to.
9:46
SPEAKER_02: It's not as hard as it looks, but it is, it does require some effort.
9:53
SPEAKER_02: All right, Genesis 3.
9:56
SPEAKER_02: Indeed, has God said, very important statement, indeed has God said, if you think about it, every battle you face, directly or indirectly, is over God's statements to you.
10:11
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, don't eat the tree, blah, blah, blah.
10:15
SPEAKER_02: They eat the tree, they fall.
10:16
SPEAKER_02: God comes looking for them to go for their nice walk in the cool of the day, and they're hiding.
10:23
SPEAKER_02: Look at verse 10, Genesis 3.10.
10:26
SPEAKER_02: I told you yesterday, I think.
10:28
SPEAKER_02: To me, Genesis 3.10 is one of the most important verses in the entire Bible.
10:32
SPEAKER_02: I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.
10:37
SPEAKER_02: Here's how I think we say it today, 2011.
10:41
SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid if you really get to know me, you won't like me.
10:47
SPEAKER_02: So I hide.
10:49
SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid if you really get to know me, you won't like me.
10:53
SPEAKER_02: So I hide.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: How many of you think that's true?
10:59
SPEAKER_02: See, here's what's crazy.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: All the way back in the third chapter of the book is the number one thing we're all still dealing with.
11:07
SPEAKER_02: Isn't it nuts?
11:10
SPEAKER_02: So, I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.
11:16
SPEAKER_02: In English, and I have learned, you know, some of you guys are in different languages, so it might not work this way that I'm about to say.
11:22
SPEAKER_02: In English, what are the next four words in the Bible?
11:27
SPEAKER_02: Verse 11.
11:31
SPEAKER_02: All right, then God said, What does the next, what's the first four words God said?
11:36
SPEAKER_02: Who told you that?
11:39
SPEAKER_02: Now think about this a minute.
11:41
SPEAKER_02: I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.
11:44
SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid that if you really get to know me, you won't like me, so I hide.
11:48
SPEAKER_02: You know what the next thing God says to you?
11:50
SPEAKER_02: Who told you that?
11:53
SPEAKER_02: Who told you that?
11:55
SPEAKER_02: Who told you you weren't pretty?
11:58
SPEAKER_02: Who told you you weren't smart?
12:00
SPEAKER_02: Who told you you weren't pleasing to others?
12:04
SPEAKER_02: Who told you you weren't going to be popular?
12:07
SPEAKER_02: Who told you you couldn't have a great husband?
12:10
SPEAKER_02: Who told you you couldn't have a great wife?
12:14
SPEAKER_02: And what God's saying is, how dare someone say to you something that is contrary to my heart for you?
12:25
SPEAKER_02: Who told you that?
12:26
SPEAKER_02: One time I was counseling this lady, great lady, been walking with God for 30 years, prayer warrior, strong in scripture, just a dynamite lady.
12:38
SPEAKER_02: But she came to me in counseling because she'd gotten in trouble at work.
12:42
SPEAKER_02: Her anger, her anger had gotten her in trouble.
12:46
SPEAKER_02: And bottom line, her boss said, You either got to go get counseling or I'm gonna have to do something.
12:53
SPEAKER_02: So she showed up in counseling.
12:56
SPEAKER_02: You know, we're counseling along, doing our thing, you know.
12:59
SPEAKER_02: And um we were at this point in counseling where I thought, hmm, I'm gonna set up a little trap for her, but she's full of the word, she's rich in God.
13:09
SPEAKER_02: The trap probably won't work.
13:11
SPEAKER_02: So here's what I said.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm trying to help her see where she's hung up.
13:18
SPEAKER_02: And I thought, I'll try this little trap, but it probably won't work.
13:22
SPEAKER_02: So I said this to her.
13:23
SPEAKER_02: I said, Whose opinion matters more to you than anyone else's?
13:30
SPEAKER_02: And I'm thinking she's gonna see my trap and she's gonna give me the religious answer.
13:36
SPEAKER_02: Well, to my shock, she says, my father.
14:24
SPEAKER_02: She didn't catch my trap.
14:26
SPEAKER_02: What's the correct answer?
14:29
SPEAKER_02: Whose opinion matters the most to you?
14:32
SPEAKER_02: What's the correct answer?
14:35
SPEAKER_02: God.
14:36
SPEAKER_02: Well, she said, my father, which I knew was the truth.
14:40
SPEAKER_02: And she said it.
14:41
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, wow, she didn't catch it.
14:45
SPEAKER_02: So we kept talking for a little bit, and I thought, ooh, I gotta try to work this to where she really gets this.
14:52
SPEAKER_02: And about three minutes later, she just stopped in the middle of a sentence and she said, I answered that question wrong, didn't I?
15:03
SPEAKER_02: I said, Yeah, you did.
15:06
SPEAKER_02: She said, I said my father's opinion, didn't I?
15:09
SPEAKER_02: I said, Yeah, you did.
15:12
SPEAKER_02: She said, It's not supposed to be my father, is it?
15:16
SPEAKER_02: No, it's really not.
15:19
SPEAKER_02: Now here's the deal.
15:21
SPEAKER_02: Whoever's words dominate your soul, as far as your soul's concern, that's your God.
15:33
SPEAKER_02: Whoever's words frame your picture of yourself.
15:39
SPEAKER_02: Whoever's words frame your picture of yourself, that person is your God.
15:48
SPEAKER_02: When I was young and halfway through my Christianity, what I heard ringing in my soul was you're lazy and you'll never amount to anything.
15:58
SPEAKER_02: Now, here's what I learned to do.
16:01
SPEAKER_02: Who told you that?
16:03
SPEAKER_02: Who told you that?
16:06
SPEAKER_02: So I would take my journal and I would write down, you're lazy and you'll never amount to anything.
16:13
SPEAKER_02: And then I would write, guess what?
16:16
SPEAKER_02: Who told me that?
16:20
SPEAKER_02: Who told me that?
16:22
SPEAKER_02: And so what happened was I learned, listen now, I learned 2 Corinthians 10, 3 through 6, the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.
16:32
SPEAKER_02: We take every thought captive.
16:36
SPEAKER_02: So what I learned to do is a thought would go across my mind and I would grab it.
16:42
SPEAKER_02: And I'd grab that thought, you're lazy and you'll never mount to anything.
16:45
SPEAKER_02: And I'd grab it by the throat and I'd say, Who told you that?
16:51
SPEAKER_02: And then I'd ask it, where did you come from and where are you going?
16:56
SPEAKER_02: So I grabbed that thought, write it in my journal.
16:59
SPEAKER_02: You're lazy and you'll never amount to anything.
17:01
SPEAKER_02: And then I'd write, who told you that?
17:03
SPEAKER_02: And I'd grab that thing.
17:06
SPEAKER_02: And I'd say, Who told me that?
17:10
SPEAKER_02: My earthly father.
17:12
SPEAKER_02: Why?
17:13
SPEAKER_02: Because that's how he felt about himself.
17:18
SPEAKER_02: And then I'd ask this question: Is that statement true?
17:26
SPEAKER_02: Am I allowed to determine that?
17:30
SPEAKER_02: No.
17:33
SPEAKER_02: God is.
17:35
SPEAKER_02: So then I'd say, God, is it true?
17:40
SPEAKER_02: Is it true, God?
17:43
SPEAKER_02: Am I lazy?
17:44
SPEAKER_02: And I'll never amount to anything.
17:48
SPEAKER_02: And you know what he said?
17:51
SPEAKER_02: No, chipper.
17:53
SPEAKER_02: I made you the way you are.
17:55
SPEAKER_02: I like the way you're wired.
17:58
SPEAKER_02: I like that relaxed way you've learned to do life.
18:03
SPEAKER_02: I like that people feel pleasant in your presence.
18:07
SPEAKER_02: I don't want you to be one of those driven guys.
18:10
SPEAKER_02: They serve another.
18:12
SPEAKER_02: I want you to be the way you are to serve your purpose.
18:18
SPEAKER_02: Now, do you think that helped my soul any?
18:21
SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness.
18:24
SPEAKER_02: That phrase tortured me for decades.
18:30
SPEAKER_02: For decades.
18:33
SPEAKER_02: I promise you, every one of you sitting here has one to three.
18:39
SPEAKER_02: One, two, or three key lies resonating in your soul, that if you can ever uproot them, pull them down, and replace them, you'll never be the same again.
19:00
SPEAKER_02: Now I get around these type A guys and I still look at them and say, wow, I couldn't live like that.
19:08
SPEAKER_02: And I walk into, I several of my friends, I walk into their churches, and I mean, amazing.
19:14
SPEAKER_02: And I look around and I just go, wow, I so couldn't do this.
19:20
SPEAKER_02: I so couldn't do this.
19:22
SPEAKER_02: But I go sit in a room and I counsel him in his marriage, his staff, do relationship workshops, and I think this.
19:35
SPEAKER_02: They couldn't do this.
19:38
SPEAKER_02: They couldn't do this.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: You see what I'm saying?
19:42
SPEAKER_02: God wired them to be good at certain things that I'm not good at, but he wired me to be good at some stuff they're not good at.
19:52
SPEAKER_02: Can you be anything you want to be?
19:55
SPEAKER_02: Please, I hope you know me well enough to know the answer.
19:59
SPEAKER_02: No, you can't.
20:04
SPEAKER_02: No.
20:06
SPEAKER_02: You can't.
20:08
SPEAKER_02: What can you be?
20:10
SPEAKER_02: Whatever he wants you to be.
20:13
SPEAKER_02: Whatever he wants you to be.
20:16
SPEAKER_02: You can't be any more.
20:19
SPEAKER_02: Unfortunately, you can be less.
20:21
SPEAKER_02: But you can't, you know, that old thing where you can be whatever you want to be.
20:25
SPEAKER_02: That's that's that's one of the cruelest lies you can ever say to somebody.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: You can't be whatever you want.
20:32
SPEAKER_02: You can be whatever he wants.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: You follow me?
20:37
SPEAKER_02: But there's freedom in that.
20:39
SPEAKER_02: Listen, I've been pastor of my church two or three years and I realized, dude, you ain't gonna build a big church.
20:45
SPEAKER_02: I just knew it.
20:46
SPEAKER_02: I just I I watched myself and I thought, you aren't gonna build a big church, dude.
20:51
SPEAKER_02: It's just not how I just not I don't work like that.
20:55
SPEAKER_02: Did it bother me?
20:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it bothered me a lot because at first I heard it through the filter of you're lazy and you never amount to anything.
21:01
SPEAKER_02: When I did what I'm talking to you about, I started to realize I'm not gonna build a big church because it wasn't God's plan for me to build a big church.
21:10
SPEAKER_02: It was God's plan for me to learn how to build people, not a church.
21:18
SPEAKER_02: Subtle difference, but an important difference.
21:20
SPEAKER_02: And you know what?
21:21
SPEAKER_02: I love what I do.
21:24
SPEAKER_02: I love what I do.
21:26
SPEAKER_02: But I had to learn to monitor and manage the traffic in my brain.
21:34
SPEAKER_02: Genesis chapter 3, who told you that?
21:38
SPEAKER_02: I promise you, every one of you has one to three key lies banging around in your soul.
21:45
SPEAKER_02: And if you can ever get to that lie and uproot it, pull it down and replace it with the truth, you'll never be the same again.
21:55
SPEAKER_02: Now I can talk about all this stuff, and it doesn't hurt anymore to talk about this stuff.
22:02
SPEAKER_02: All right, we're that was all, if you get the PowerPoint going up there.
22:06
SPEAKER_02: That was still all that know yourself, like yourself, be yourself.
22:11
SPEAKER_02: Let's slide on to number two.
22:14
SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
22:15
SPEAKER_02: One more?
22:16
SPEAKER_02: One more?
22:16
SPEAKER_02: One more.
22:17
SPEAKER_02: All right, the next one.
22:18
SPEAKER_02: Oh, back up.
22:20
SPEAKER_02: Back up.
22:22
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
22:23
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you've learned healthy ways to get your needs met.
22:30
SPEAKER_02: The most important thing I want you to write there is who's your number one source?
22:36
SPEAKER_02: Who do you want to learn to look to?
22:39
SPEAKER_02: God.
22:39
SPEAKER_02: So put this.
22:42
SPEAKER_02: Number one source, God.
22:44
SPEAKER_02: And here's what you want to learn to do.
22:46
SPEAKER_02: You want to learn to look to God first and most.
22:50
SPEAKER_02: First and most.
22:53
SPEAKER_02: First and most.
22:55
SPEAKER_02: When you don't feel well, you want to look to God first and most.
23:00
SPEAKER_02: When your emotions are sliding somewhere you don't want them to go, learn to look to God first and most.
23:07
SPEAKER_02: When you don't feel loved, don't look to someone else.
23:11
SPEAKER_02: Learn to look to God first and most.
23:16
SPEAKER_02: If you can learn to look to God for everything you need first and most, then you'll be safe for God to put people in your life that you can look to because you've learned to look to Him first and most for everything you need.
23:33
SPEAKER_02: We'll talk about this later, but I believe idolatry, which is a really important big deal back in the Old Testament, idolatry to me is when you look to anyone or anything other than God to meet needs that only He can meet.
23:52
SPEAKER_02: When you allow yourself, and forgive me, I don't mean this judgmentally, so don't take this harshly, but when you allow yourself to feel depressed because certain people aren't reacting toward you the way you want to, what you're saying to God is, if you let it go too far, not a little bit, it's all right to be a little bit disappointed, but if you let it go too far, what you're saying to God is your love is not enough.
24:21
SPEAKER_02: What you've got to get to the place is you look to God first and most, and his love is enough for you to feel good about yourself.
24:31
SPEAKER_02: And then everybody else's is just like dessert.
24:34
SPEAKER_02: It's not the meal, it's just dessert after the meal.
24:40
SPEAKER_02: So if you have healthy boundaries, you've learned healthy ways to get your needs met.
24:45
SPEAKER_02: God's the number one source, you learn to look to Him first and most.
24:49
SPEAKER_02: Next one, please, sir.
24:50
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to say no and hear no without paralyzing fears.
24:58
SPEAKER_02: How many of you agree it's tricky to say no sometimes?
25:01
SPEAKER_02: To friends, family, whatever.
25:04
SPEAKER_02: All right, I believe you should actually practice saying no.
25:09
SPEAKER_02: Say no right now.
25:11
SPEAKER_02: Say it real loud.
25:12
SPEAKER_02: Say it real soft.
25:14
SPEAKER_02: Say it real high.
25:15
SPEAKER_02: No, say it real low.
25:17
SPEAKER_02: No.
25:18
SPEAKER_02: So I believe when you're alone in the shower, driving your car, going for a walk, you should practice saying no.
25:25
SPEAKER_02: So say no again.
25:27
SPEAKER_02: Say it real high.
25:29
SPEAKER_02: Say it real low.
25:30
SPEAKER_02: No, say it real soft, no, say it real loud.
25:34
SPEAKER_02: So you just should practice, no, no, no.
25:37
SPEAKER_02: I said no, or how are you spelling no in your language?
25:40
SPEAKER_02: And you should just practice saying no.
25:42
SPEAKER_02: Then, when you get a little comfortable saying the word no, you should take a picture of someone who's hard to say no to and practice saying no to them.
25:52
SPEAKER_02: I said no.
25:53
SPEAKER_02: Is there something about the word no you don't understand?
25:57
SPEAKER_02: And just practice saying no.
26:00
SPEAKER_02: Now, am I completely serious?
26:02
SPEAKER_02: Probably not.
26:04
SPEAKER_02: But I am mostly serious.
26:07
SPEAKER_02: You should really, really, really, really practice saying no.
26:11
SPEAKER_02: Say no one more time.
26:13
SPEAKER_02: Say it real high?
26:14
SPEAKER_02: No, say it real low, no, say it real soft, no, say it real loud.
26:21
SPEAKER_02: You should practice saying no.
26:23
SPEAKER_02: All right, let me give you a few statements to put off to the side.
26:26
SPEAKER_02: If you can't say no, if you can't say no, you can't say yes.
26:35
SPEAKER_02: If you can't say no, you can't say yes.
26:38
SPEAKER_02: What do you mean by that?
26:40
SPEAKER_02: All right, this is not a true story, but I say it just to make a point.
26:44
SPEAKER_02: Imagine I'm at my church and one of the couples that are in my church come to me and say, Pastor, can you and Colleen come to dinner Saturday night?
26:57
SPEAKER_02: Now, I let's pretend I've not been to the School of Boundaries.
27:02
SPEAKER_02: I don't know how to say no.
27:04
SPEAKER_02: I haven't learned how to be healthy enough to say no.
27:07
SPEAKER_02: My wife and I already have plans for Saturday night.
27:10
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna sit on the couch in our underwear watching a movie eating popcorn.
27:16
SPEAKER_02: How many of you think for a married guy that's a cool plan?
27:19
SPEAKER_02: Woo! All the men's hands are up.
27:24
SPEAKER_02: I think it's a pretty cool plan.
27:26
SPEAKER_02: Can I get a yes?
27:28
SPEAKER_02: Alright, even a few ladies said yes.
27:30
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
27:32
SPEAKER_02: A married guy, is that a cool plan or not?
27:35
SPEAKER_02: So that's how I'm picturing my Saturday night.
27:38
SPEAKER_02: Where's my Saturday night?
27:40
SPEAKER_02: Inside my circle.
27:42
SPEAKER_02: So I haven't learned boundaries.
27:45
SPEAKER_02: This couple comes and says, Pastor, can you and Colleen come to dinner Saturday night?
27:50
SPEAKER_02: I haven't learned how to say no.
27:51
SPEAKER_02: So I say yes.
27:55
SPEAKER_02: What am I feeling?
27:59
SPEAKER_02: Disappointed?
28:00
SPEAKER_02: Resentful?
28:02
SPEAKER_02: Angry?
28:04
SPEAKER_02: Who did that to me?
28:07
SPEAKER_02: I did.
28:09
SPEAKER_02: All right, now imagine Saturday night.
28:11
SPEAKER_02: I'm driving to their house, not sitting on the couch.
28:17
SPEAKER_02: What am I feeling driving to their house?
28:21
SPEAKER_02: I'm mad, disappointed, annoyed, I feel robbed.
28:27
SPEAKER_02: Right?
28:30
SPEAKER_02: Important question.
28:31
SPEAKER_02: Be careful.
28:32
SPEAKER_02: Can God bless me for what I did?
28:40
SPEAKER_02: Hmm.
28:42
SPEAKER_02: Did I give them, the Bible says it's more blessed to give than receive.
28:46
SPEAKER_02: Did I give them my Saturday night?
28:49
SPEAKER_02: No.
28:50
SPEAKER_02: I let them take it from me.
28:52
SPEAKER_02: If somebody steals your wallet and has your tithe check in it, can you tell God you tithed?
28:59
SPEAKER_02: If somebody steals something from you, you can't act like you gave it.
29:04
SPEAKER_02: You follow me?
29:05
SPEAKER_02: Alright, let's back it all up.
29:07
SPEAKER_02: Now I've been to the School of Boundaries.
29:09
SPEAKER_02: I'm at church and I have this plan with my wife to sit on the couch in her underwear, watching a movie, eating popcorn.
29:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm excited about it.
29:18
SPEAKER_02: She's excited about it.
29:19
SPEAKER_02: Right?
29:21
SPEAKER_02: This person comes to me and says, Can you come to dinner Saturday night?
29:26
SPEAKER_02: Well, I've been to the School of Boundaries.
29:28
SPEAKER_02: I'm able to say no.
29:29
SPEAKER_02: Say no one time.
29:31
SPEAKER_02: Say it real high?
29:32
SPEAKER_02: Say it real low.
29:33
SPEAKER_02: Say no, Kathy.
29:39
SPEAKER_02: So we're able to say no, right?
29:44
SPEAKER_02: So person comes and says, Can you come eat dinner Saturday night?
29:48
SPEAKER_02: I say no.
29:50
SPEAKER_02: Now what do they do?
29:52
SPEAKER_02: They kind of start to twitch.
29:55
SPEAKER_02: Because they're not used to people telling them no, because we don't do that.
29:59
SPEAKER_02: What do they automatically expect and feel entitled to?
30:05
SPEAKER_02: An explanation.
30:07
SPEAKER_02: Now, where's my Saturday night?
30:10
SPEAKER_02: It's inside my circle.
30:11
SPEAKER_02: Guess what?
30:11
SPEAKER_02: My Saturday night's none of your stinking business.
30:15
SPEAKER_02: True or not?
30:17
SPEAKER_02: What I'm doing Saturday night, Scott, it's none of your business.
30:20
SPEAKER_02: Do I owe you an explanation why I can't go with you Saturday night?
30:24
SPEAKER_02: That's ridiculous.
30:26
SPEAKER_02: But we feel entitled to an explanation.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: So, I've been to the School of Boundaries.
30:32
SPEAKER_02: I'm able to say no.
30:33
SPEAKER_02: Can you come to dinner Saturday night?
30:35
SPEAKER_02: No, can't make it.
30:38
SPEAKER_02: They start to walk away.
30:40
SPEAKER_02: Now, is it wrong for them to feel disappointed?
30:45
SPEAKER_02: No.
30:46
SPEAKER_02: Is it wrong for them to want us to come?
30:49
SPEAKER_02: No.
30:49
SPEAKER_02: It is wrong for them to make me feel responsible for their sadness.
30:56
SPEAKER_02: If your life's so lame that my coming to dinner makes it wonderful, you need to get a life.
31:04
SPEAKER_02: True or not?
31:05
SPEAKER_02: Why don't you sit on the couch in your underwear watching a movie instead of entertaining me?
31:11
SPEAKER_02: Right?
31:12
SPEAKER_02: So they come say, Can you come to my house for dinner?
31:18
SPEAKER_02: Can't do it.
31:20
SPEAKER_02: They start to walk away.
31:21
SPEAKER_02: Am I alone in my circle?
31:24
SPEAKER_02: No, who's in my circle?
31:26
SPEAKER_02: God is.
31:27
SPEAKER_02: So they start to walk away.
31:30
SPEAKER_02: The Spirit of the Living God says, Chipper, if they could really use some time with you.
31:36
SPEAKER_02: Would you please, listen, give them your Saturday night?
31:43
SPEAKER_02: I say, you know what?
31:45
SPEAKER_02: Wait a minute.
31:46
SPEAKER_02: Let me talk to my wonderful wife and see if we can change our plans.
31:51
SPEAKER_02: And I'll see if we can't make Saturday night work.
31:54
SPEAKER_02: Now what changed?
31:57
SPEAKER_02: Because I could say no, I can say yes.
32:03
SPEAKER_02: If you can't say no, your yes is worthless.
32:09
SPEAKER_02: Are you with me?
32:10
SPEAKER_02: If you can't say no, your yes is worthless.
32:19
SPEAKER_02: How many of you know if you have to ask for a hug, the hug's not very enjoyable?
32:25
SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm talking about?
32:28
SPEAKER_02: You know, if you have to tell someone what you want them to do, it just isn't as enjoyable as if they just did it.
32:37
SPEAKER_02: So, can you and Colleen come to dinner Saturday night?
32:41
unknown: No.
32:43
SPEAKER_02: You know, wait a minute.
32:44
SPEAKER_02: Let me talk to Colleen C.
32:46
SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
32:47
SPEAKER_02: Now, how am I feeling driving over there Saturday night?
32:52
SPEAKER_02: I'm excited.
32:53
SPEAKER_02: Why am I excited?
32:55
SPEAKER_02: Because God asked me to give them my Saturday night.
33:00
SPEAKER_02: What does that tell me?
33:01
SPEAKER_02: He's up to something.
33:03
SPEAKER_02: This is gonna be cool.
33:06
SPEAKER_02: Now, can I expect God to bless me for giving my Saturday night?
33:13
SPEAKER_02: Sure I can.
33:15
SPEAKER_02: But if you let people take stuff from you because you don't have the courage or the training to say no, don't expect God to bless you for that.
33:25
SPEAKER_02: If you want my honest opinion, a lot of what we call ministry is just mutual manipulation.
33:34
SPEAKER_02: We're using one another to get our needs met.
33:39
SPEAKER_02: For instance, I need to feel important.
33:43
SPEAKER_02: You need counseling.
33:45
SPEAKER_02: Well, your need for counseling plays off of my need to feel important, and we're just having a great little party here.
33:51
SPEAKER_02: I'm getting my need to feel important, Matt.
33:53
SPEAKER_02: Well, you're getting your need for counseling, Matt.
33:55
SPEAKER_02: Is that healthy?
33:56
SPEAKER_02: No.
33:57
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to help you out of my need to feel important.
34:02
SPEAKER_02: I want to help you out of love, the purposes of God.
34:10
SPEAKER_02: In other words, I want to learn to minister to your needs, not from mine.
34:19
SPEAKER_02: I used to speak as a pastor from my need for your approval, and I was so busy monitoring whether I felt like you were approving of me that I wasn't even concentrating on whether I was ministering to your needs.
34:37
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
34:38
SPEAKER_02: How I ministered was more about how it made me feel than it was about how it helped you.
34:48
SPEAKER_02: As I learned some of this stuff and got healthier, I realized wow, a lot of what I do is because of what I get back.
35:00
SPEAKER_02: That's not serving.
35:04
SPEAKER_02: Serving is when I act and behave toward you to get your needs met, not mine.
35:12
SPEAKER_02: Now the truth of the matter is, nothing wrong with you being in a growth stage.
35:17
SPEAKER_02: You know, honestly, we all go through a period where we're ministering out of our need, not to yours.
35:23
SPEAKER_02: But you want to grow to the place where that's not the case anymore.
35:28
SPEAKER_02: So if you have healthy boundaries, put that one back up there, you're able to say no and hear no.
35:35
SPEAKER_02: Here's another statement to write off to the side: an internal no cancels an external yes.
35:44
SPEAKER_02: An internal no cancels an external yes.
35:48
SPEAKER_02: How many of you know when you're disciplining a child, they can say yes on the outside but be screaming no on the inside?
35:57
SPEAKER_02: You know, sit down.
35:59
SPEAKER_02: How many of you know they could sit down on the outside but be standing up on the inside?
36:04
SPEAKER_02: So it's the same thing with you.
36:07
SPEAKER_02: How many of you remember this scripture?
36:09
SPEAKER_02: Let your yes be yes and your no be no.
36:15
SPEAKER_02: You know, honestly, that's all I'm trying to teach you.
36:19
SPEAKER_02: All I'm trying to teach you is let your yes be yes and your no be no.
36:25
SPEAKER_02: If somebody says, you know, hey, a couple of us are going to the mall to see a movie, you want to go.
36:30
SPEAKER_02: And you don't, you want to go read a book.
36:32
SPEAKER_02: You're like me, you want to go to Barnes and Noble or somewhere and read a book.
36:36
SPEAKER_02: But you crave their approval.
36:39
SPEAKER_02: So inside you want to say no, but outside you say yes.
36:43
SPEAKER_02: What did you just do?
36:45
SPEAKER_02: Now your no's not no, and your yes isn't yes.
36:49
SPEAKER_02: So, what this is about really is practicing being the same on the outside as you are on the inside.
36:58
SPEAKER_02: And all I can tell you is it is a phenomenally, wonderfully liberating way to live.
37:05
SPEAKER_02: As I travel around and work with different churches, one of the little pieces of reputation that I have is don't ask him what he thinks, because he will tell you.
37:17
SPEAKER_02: And I mean some very successful pastor, leader kind of guys, that's kind of the reputation I have.
37:24
SPEAKER_02: If you really need someone to speak some truth into your life, call this guy.
37:31
SPEAKER_02: And I'm just not afraid of him anymore.
37:34
SPEAKER_02: So I'm not afraid to speak truth to them.
37:37
SPEAKER_02: And you know what?
37:38
SPEAKER_02: A smart person wants that.
37:42
SPEAKER_02: A smart person wants that.
37:44
SPEAKER_02: Next one, please.
37:48
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you take responsibility for the consequences of your choices.
37:56
SPEAKER_02: If you make a choice, you have to live with the consequence of it.
38:00
SPEAKER_02: Now, some of how I apply this is I'm very careful about making choices for other people.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: Like, I don't like in counseling to tell someone what I think they should do.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: Well, I think you should XYZ.
38:16
SPEAKER_02: Because if I say what I think you should do and you do it because I told you to do it, who's responsible for that choice?
38:24
SPEAKER_02: I am.
38:25
SPEAKER_02: Who's responsible for the consequence?
38:28
SPEAKER_02: I am.
38:29
SPEAKER_02: So whoever makes the choice is responsible for the consequences of the choice.
38:35
SPEAKER_02: So what you've got to practice doing is being responsible for the consequences of the choices you make.
38:43
SPEAKER_02: In its purest sense, what is abortion?
38:48
SPEAKER_02: Abortion is irresponsibility.
38:51
SPEAKER_02: Abortion is simply saying I behaved in a certain way, it produced a consequence, called a baby, and I don't want to pay the consequence.
39:04
SPEAKER_02: Now, who shares responsibility for that consequence?
39:10
SPEAKER_02: Whoever made the baby.
39:13
SPEAKER_02: Right?
39:15
SPEAKER_02: So some dude walks away irresponsible, and then some young lady makes a decision that's profoundly irresponsible.
39:23
SPEAKER_02: But at its root, the real issue is a disconnection between the choices I make and the consequences they produce.
39:33
SPEAKER_02: It is insane the consequences of moments of behavior.
39:41
SPEAKER_02: Moments of behavior can have insane amounts of consequences.
39:47
SPEAKER_02: Pregnancy is like one of the most obvious.
39:50
SPEAKER_02: There are choices we make that the consequences are unbelievable.
39:57
SPEAKER_02: So you just want to learn to manage this.
39:59
SPEAKER_02: Next one, please.
40:01
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, next one.
40:08
SPEAKER_02: Got small group leaders playing back here.
40:13
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you have realistic expectations in relationships.
40:18
SPEAKER_02: All right, what do I mean by that?
40:20
SPEAKER_02: Do you, if you have healthy boundaries, do you expect any other person to meet your need for love?
40:28
SPEAKER_02: Now, easy to say sitting here in class, but what if you learn to really believe that and live that way?
40:34
SPEAKER_02: Are you gonna find a husband or a wife that meets your need for love?
40:38
SPEAKER_02: Not gonna find one.
40:40
SPEAKER_02: You're not gonna find one.
40:41
SPEAKER_02: Now, can you find a husband or a wife that is amazing and makes you just works really hard at loving you?
40:47
SPEAKER_02: Sure you can.
40:48
SPEAKER_02: But if you look to another human being, kids, parents, peers, husband, wife, whatever, I promise you you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
40:59
SPEAKER_02: You've got to have realistic expectations.
41:02
SPEAKER_02: What does that mean?
41:03
SPEAKER_02: My need for love is as big as God Himself.
41:07
SPEAKER_02: Guess what?
41:08
SPEAKER_02: No other person can meet your need for love.
41:12
SPEAKER_02: It isn't that they could but won't, they can't.
41:18
SPEAKER_02: They can't.
41:19
SPEAKER_02: So you've got to make sure you you aim your expectations in the right direction and in the right way.
41:25
SPEAKER_02: All right, next one, please.
41:27
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to manage your emotional responses and cycles.
41:34
SPEAKER_02: Now, please notice I use the word manage, not control.
41:39
SPEAKER_02: The word control is just kind of creepy.
41:43
SPEAKER_02: Because we don't control, we just manage.
41:46
SPEAKER_02: Because the truth of it is life's just constantly bumping us.
41:51
SPEAKER_02: So what we really want to learn to do is manage the bumps life gives us and just learn to manage our emotions so they stay in a zone that we're comfortable with.
42:00
SPEAKER_02: If you think about control, you feel like you want to steer them all the time.
42:06
SPEAKER_02: And it really isn't that direct and clear.
42:09
SPEAKER_02: You just kind of want to learn to roll with it.
42:12
SPEAKER_02: The key thought with emotions is if they're in my circle, they're whose responsibility?
42:17
SPEAKER_02: Where are my emotions?
42:20
SPEAKER_02: How many of your emotions are in your circle?
42:23
SPEAKER_02: All of them.
42:26
SPEAKER_02: All of them.
42:28
SPEAKER_02: Every feeling you feel is happening inside your circle.
42:33
SPEAKER_02: So who's responsible for it?
42:35
SPEAKER_02: You are.
42:36
SPEAKER_02: Again, no one can make you feel anything without your cooperation.
42:44
SPEAKER_02: Nobody.
42:46
SPEAKER_02: You've got to learn to own them and manage them.
42:49
SPEAKER_02: Next one, please, sir.
42:51
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, ooh, I like this one, you allow others to experience the consequences of their choices.
43:02
SPEAKER_02: This is a big one.
43:03
SPEAKER_02: If you really have designs that you want God to take you into ministry in any form, in any way, if you just really think God's going to use you to have impact and influence in the lives of others, you've got to get this principle.
43:19
SPEAKER_02: Alright, I want you to write a statement down and I'll tell you when to start writing.
43:23
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries in this area, you are, start here, able to watch, able to watch loved ones suffer.
43:36
SPEAKER_02: Able to watch loved ones suffer.
43:42
SPEAKER_02: Now let that one land on you for a second.
43:44
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you have to cultivate and develop the ability to watch someone you love suffer.
43:56
SPEAKER_02: What do you mean by that, dude?
43:57
SPEAKER_02: Alright, listen to this.
44:00
SPEAKER_02: Johnny, four years old.
44:04
SPEAKER_02: All right?
44:05
SPEAKER_02: Johnny, clean up your blocks, your toys, and you can have a snack.
44:12
SPEAKER_02: Right?
44:13
SPEAKER_02: Can Johnny understand that?
44:16
SPEAKER_02: You better believe he can understand that.
44:18
SPEAKER_02: So you come back 10, 15 minutes later, the blocks or toys are still all over the floor.
44:23
SPEAKER_02: So what do you say?
44:25
SPEAKER_02: Johnny, apparently you don't want a snack.
44:30
SPEAKER_02: Yes, I do.
44:31
SPEAKER_02: No.
44:32
SPEAKER_02: I said if you want a snack, which is a consequence, make a good choice, which is clean up your toys.
44:41
SPEAKER_02: So little Johnny made a choice.
44:43
SPEAKER_02: What was the choice?
44:45
SPEAKER_02: Not to clean up his blocks.
44:48
SPEAKER_02: Guess what?
44:49
SPEAKER_02: Each choice gets a consequence.
44:55
SPEAKER_02: Good choice, good consequence.
45:00
SPEAKER_02: Bad choice, bad consequence.
45:03
SPEAKER_02: Do you think a four-year-old can understand that?
45:06
SPEAKER_02: You bet your life he can.
45:09
SPEAKER_02: So guess what, Johnny?
45:11
SPEAKER_02: You don't get a snack.
45:12
SPEAKER_02: But I want a snack.
45:13
SPEAKER_02: No, you don't.
45:14
SPEAKER_02: You must not.
45:15
SPEAKER_02: Because I said, if you want one, clean up your blocks.
45:18
SPEAKER_02: You didn't clean up your blocks, you must not want a snack.
45:22
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
45:25
SPEAKER_02: You know what?
45:26
SPEAKER_02: Parenting is ridiculously simple.
45:29
SPEAKER_02: How many of you agree simple and easy are not the same thing?
45:32
SPEAKER_02: Parenting is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
45:34
SPEAKER_02: But it's not complicated.
45:37
SPEAKER_02: It's just hard on your heart.
45:39
SPEAKER_02: Because the only way you can parent effectively is if you don't need your children to like you.
45:46
SPEAKER_02: What makes you ineffective as a parent is if you need your children to like you.
45:51
SPEAKER_02: If you need your children to like you, you're going to have a hard time being a parent.
45:56
SPEAKER_02: I'll be honest with you, if you need people to like you, you're going to have a hard time living life.
46:03
SPEAKER_02: Because whoever you look to to meet your need has some degree of control over you.
46:11
SPEAKER_02: It's an important thought.
46:12
SPEAKER_02: Whoever you look to to meet a need has some degree of control over you.
46:16
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
46:27
SPEAKER_02: How would you?
46:34
SPEAKER_02: All right, somebody's dealing with a death in the family.
46:38
SPEAKER_02: I mean, how do you like be supportive?
46:40
SPEAKER_02: When is where are the boundaries and all that?
46:42
SPEAKER_02: Um I mean, uh I would probably need more information, but the here's what I'd say about grief.
46:49
SPEAKER_02: Like when somebody dies, an untimely death.
46:53
SPEAKER_02: Um I don't I don't like to apply rules to grief because everybody's heart responds differently.
47:01
SPEAKER_02: Now, where I would draw boundaries is if you tried to make me grieve the same way you are, or tried to make me responsible for your grief, that's probably where I would probably draw some lines.
47:14
SPEAKER_02: Because what I if I'm ever in a situation where I'm trying to help somebody manage some awful traumatic loss, one of the biggest things I try to do is say, you know what, forget the books.
47:25
SPEAKER_02: You just let God walk you through this however he walks you through it.
47:28
SPEAKER_02: Don't act like I'm supposed to be here by now.
47:31
SPEAKER_02: I'm supposed to be here by now.
47:33
SPEAKER_02: I mean, loss of a loved one is just a major shock to the system.
47:38
SPEAKER_02: So, but it's good to figure out where the boundaries go and all of that.
47:44
SPEAKER_02: It's an important thing to learn.
47:45
SPEAKER_02: All right, this whole idea you allow others to experience the consequences of their choices.
47:51
SPEAKER_02: Imagine now we're dealing with an adult.
47:55
SPEAKER_02: Worst case scenario is an addict.
47:57
SPEAKER_02: Somebody has an addiction and it's destroying their life, and they're making terrible choices.
48:04
SPEAKER_02: Here's the thing sometimes somebody's life is so messed up by some behavior, whether it's an addiction, whether it's anger, whether it's sexuality, whatever it is, sometimes the only thing that will get their attention is what?
48:21
SPEAKER_02: Begins with a C.
48:23
SPEAKER_02: Consequences.
48:25
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes the only weapon you have in someone's life to help them is consequences.
48:35
SPEAKER_02: Because sometimes nothing else gets through.
48:39
SPEAKER_02: Think about this for a minute.
48:41
SPEAKER_02: How do you learn to make good decisions?
48:47
SPEAKER_02: You learn to make good decisions by making bad decisions if you pay for them.
48:56
SPEAKER_02: If you make a bad decision and you have to pay for it, you aren't going to want to do it again.
49:03
SPEAKER_02: But if you make a bad decision and don't have to pay for it, you're probably going to make it again.
49:12
SPEAKER_02: The best way to train someone, a child or an adult, is to give them the privilege of experiencing a consequence that matches their choice.
49:23
SPEAKER_02: Good choice, good consequence, bad choice, bad consequence.
49:28
SPEAKER_02: And guess what?
49:29
SPEAKER_02: That forces them to take responsibility.
49:32
SPEAKER_02: Responsibility is really connecting my choice with my consequence.
49:38
SPEAKER_02: And when I connect the two, I'm like, okay, I don't want to keep doing that.
49:43
SPEAKER_02: I don't want this consequence.
49:44
SPEAKER_02: Well, if I don't want this consequence, I've got to quit making this choice.
49:48
SPEAKER_02: And I've got to learn to do that.
49:51
SPEAKER_02: And sometimes we hinder people's growth by, in quotes, protecting them from the consequences.
49:59
SPEAKER_02: When what we're really doing is weakening their ability to make good choices.
50:05
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
50:06
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes we think it's loving to protect someone from consequences.
50:12
SPEAKER_02: Almost always it's not loving at all.
50:16
SPEAKER_02: The Bible actually says if you don't discipline your son, you hate him.
50:21
SPEAKER_02: If you don't discipline your son, you actually hate your son.
50:26
SPEAKER_02: Because God wants us to experience the consequences of our choices.
50:29
SPEAKER_02: All right, one more.
50:30
SPEAKER_02: Next one, please.
50:31
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you don't manipulate or attempt to control others.
50:41
SPEAKER_02: How many of you think it's okay to want a certain group of friends to invite you to go with them?
50:47
SPEAKER_02: Is it okay to want that to happen?
50:51
SPEAKER_02: Is it okay to manipulate them into it happening?
50:56
SPEAKER_02: Almost everywhere I've ever been, there's frequently people that have this like supernatural ability to know the plans people are making.
51:07
SPEAKER_02: I can remember when we were pastoring our church, we had this one couple, this one lady, who had boundary issues, and she could be quite difficult to be around.
51:19
SPEAKER_02: And quite honestly, there were times when different couples would want to go out together and they would not want her to come because she was very draining and difficult.
51:30
SPEAKER_02: And it was amazing how she would figure that out.
51:34
SPEAKER_02: Like these three couples were planning on going XYZ Friday night, and they did not invite her, and it was amazing how she just somehow would know.
51:44
SPEAKER_02: And so she'd come up to one of them and say, Hey, what are you doing Friday night?
51:50
SPEAKER_02: I was thinking of.
51:52
SPEAKER_02: Now, what did she just do?
51:54
SPEAKER_02: She just put herself in a very awkward position and kind of cracked the door to be invited to an event that she really wasn't welcome at.
52:05
SPEAKER_02: And as we've been talking about, most people are not very good at boundaries.
52:10
SPEAKER_02: And so frequently she'd get sucked into the event, and all the rest of them would resent her being there.
52:19
SPEAKER_02: Now, am I saying that we should ostracize and you know isolate people that are tricky to be around?
52:25
SPEAKER_02: No.
52:26
SPEAKER_02: But I do think we should have the freedom to go out with whoever we want to go out with.
52:31
SPEAKER_02: Right?
52:33
SPEAKER_02: So the danger is if we have healthy boundaries, we don't manipulate or attempt to control others.
52:41
SPEAKER_02: Hit the next one, please.
52:42
SPEAKER_02: I think it says the opposite.
52:44
SPEAKER_02: You recognize and resist the attempts of others to control you.
52:52
SPEAKER_02: So I think part of developing healthier boundaries is getting to the place that you're good at seeing it.
53:00
SPEAKER_02: And again, my choice would be to be as loving as possible, but to be gentle and firm in helping other people define and defend their boundaries without violating yours.
53:13
SPEAKER_02: All right, next one, please, sir.
53:16
SPEAKER_02: If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to make and keep promises to yourself.
53:23
SPEAKER_02: One author I read behind, that would be his definition of integrity.
53:28
SPEAKER_02: Integrity is the ability to make and keep promises to yourself.
53:33
SPEAKER_02: Hit it one more time.
53:34
SPEAKER_02: I think it's the serenity prayer.
53:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
53:37
SPEAKER_02: How many of you have heard of the serenity prayer before?
53:40
SPEAKER_02: Now let's look at it from this whole perspective of boundaries.
53:44
SPEAKER_02: God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
53:56
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that cool how it's kind of a boundary prayer?
54:00
SPEAKER_02: And here's the thing: you've got to learn to do that with people.
54:04
SPEAKER_02: You've got to learn to kind of figure out where am I in this person's life and influence.
54:11
SPEAKER_02: Alright, any questions before we quit for today?
54:17
SPEAKER_02: Can I pray for you?
54:20
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
54:21
SPEAKER_02: Question?
54:26
SPEAKER_03: Um you like it, uh you say to like the pirate in the Bible where it says to leave your mother and your father, and then there's um, you know, honor your mother and father.
54:39
SPEAKER_03: Um like where is um I guess the balance in between there?
54:47
SPEAKER_02: Okay, the whole idea of leaving mother and father, and then the Bible says honor, and again, anybody listening or here, I don't mean this in any weird, disrespectful way.
54:57
SPEAKER_02: First of all, the Bible says honor them, not obey them.
55:03
SPEAKER_02: It says honor, not obey.
55:05
SPEAKER_02: The Bible says, children, obey your parents.
55:10
SPEAKER_02: It does not say to an adult child to obey your parents.
55:17
SPEAKER_02: Any parent who's talking to you as an adult and thinks that you should obey them, you have my permission to tell them I said that's unhealthy.
55:29
SPEAKER_02: Honor them, yes.
55:32
SPEAKER_02: Obey them no.
55:35
SPEAKER_02: Another thought.
55:36
SPEAKER_02: The Bible says honor your parents, it doesn't say imitate them.
55:42
SPEAKER_02: In other words, to honor them doesn't mean you become just like them or you do life the way they do life.
55:51
SPEAKER_02: My Bible says, imitate me as I imitate the Lord.
55:57
SPEAKER_02: Follow me as I follow Christ.
56:02
SPEAKER_02: I will follow anyone's leadership as long as they're following Christ.
56:07
SPEAKER_02: The minute you stop following Christ, I stop following you.
56:11
SPEAKER_02: I don't care who you are.
56:14
SPEAKER_02: Now, I honor parents, but I believe honor flows both directions.
56:22
SPEAKER_02: And I believe one of the ways we honor both directions is my job is to is to empower you to live a healthy, rich, full life.
56:36
SPEAKER_02: So you I believe you honor your parents by living an amazing life.
56:44
SPEAKER_02: Here's the key thought to me you're to live your life unto God, not unto them.
56:51
SPEAKER_02: Now, hopefully, they're trying to live unto God themselves.
56:56
SPEAKER_02: My personal desire is that my kids live healthier, richer, fuller lives than we did.
57:02
SPEAKER_02: I don't want them to imitate me, except in areas where I'm imitating Christ.
57:08
SPEAKER_02: But let me make sure I make it clear.
57:10
SPEAKER_02: I realize this is a weird line.
57:13
SPEAKER_02: But I am very radical about this simple statement.
57:16
SPEAKER_02: The first half.
57:18
SPEAKER_02: Leave, mother and father, cleave, become one.
57:22
SPEAKER_02: I think one of the greatest tragedies in families is when young couples marry and the parents won't loose them from their tentacles and their claws.
57:36
SPEAKER_02: Remind me tomorrow morning, and I'll tell you the story about my marriage.
57:40
SPEAKER_02: Because we had that very problem.
57:42
SPEAKER_02: So remind me to talk about that in the morning.
57:44
SPEAKER_02: Okay, somebody?
57:46
SPEAKER_02: Can I pray for you?
57:49
SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Father.
57:50
SPEAKER_02: Father, we just thank you for the time we've had.
57:54
SPEAKER_02: Lord, I do pray that if I'm saying anything that's unhealthy or unhelpful, just filter it out, God.
58:01
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be a problem.
58:03
SPEAKER_02: I want to be an adder to the solution to the problem.
58:07
SPEAKER_02: So help each of these wonderful people to process all these different things we're talking about and then apply them in a very God-honoring way.
58:16
SPEAKER_02: Bless them this afternoon, tonight, tomorrow, and we just look to the rest of this week being great together.
58:23
SPEAKER_02: And we thank you, sir, in Jesus' name.
58:26
SPEAKER_02: Amen.
58:29
SPEAKER_01: Quick announcement.
58:31
SPEAKER_01: Um, normally you guys would be going to your elective tracks this afternoon, but at 2 o'clock, you're actually here for the first half hour.
58:40
SPEAKER_01: Where's Mimi?
58:41
SPEAKER_01: To do something.
58:42
SPEAKER_01: I forget what it was, but you're supposed to be here for the first half hour.
58:45
SPEAKER_01: What?
58:47
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
58:48
SPEAKER_01: Instructions for fresh wind and the jobs you're going to be doing for the conference.
58:52
SPEAKER_01: Okay?
58:53
SPEAKER_01: So don't run off to your electives until 2 30.
58:56
SPEAKER_01: Come here at 2.
58:58
SPEAKER_01: Thanks.