Latest / The Original Self Podcast / The Version of Us Stress Reveals

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The Version of Us Stress Reveals · The Original Self Podcast

0:09
Hi, everyone. I'm Evet DeCota. This is The
0:13
Original Self Podcast Lessons from Behind the
0:15
Chair. The chair was the styling chair was my
0:20
first classroom for almost 40 years. I've been
0:24
a hairstylist and I've come to believe that the
0:29
salon is one of the best places to study human
0:31
behavior. you see people at their happiest, their
0:36
most vulnerable, and sometimes under an incredible
0:41
amount of pressure. And if there's one thing
0:44
that I've noticed that is that we have a way
0:49
of revealing strategies and patterns to protect
0:54
ourselves when we feel stressed out. Which brings
0:58
me to a story that I want to tell you about a
1:01
wedding party that I did in the salon and by
1:05
the time they left I was calling them the Jurassic
1:08
Park wedding party and Before you think that
1:11
I'd nickname every single person that comes in
1:13
the salon. I don't I Haven't done it for all
1:18
the 40 years So side note I started my career
1:24
doing makeup and then I was specializing in wedding
1:28
makeup and all along doing hair, but then I added
1:31
bridal hair as well. It truly was one of my favorite
1:36
parts of my job because it was like a different
1:41
kind of energy that you got to be a part of that,
1:44
you know, music was playing bridesmaids laughing,
1:48
you know, somebody spilling their mimosa, whatever.
1:50
And the bride, like, you know, you would see
1:52
her laughing and then kind of tearing up if somebody
1:55
said something sweet or a mother came in or whatever.
1:59
And it was just fun to be a part of that. Right.
2:03
So. Most wedding mornings did go just like that.
2:11
This wedding party was very different. And when
2:14
I think about it now. It kind of started during
2:18
the consultation for the bride and the trial
2:20
run so The soon -to -be bride was gonna come
2:27
to my salon two weeks before the actual wedding
2:29
date to you know discuss what she wanted and
2:33
then like try out different styles and do the
2:36
makeup see what she liked and She had this name
2:43
that was not phonetically spelled. I'd never
2:47
seen the name before and it was very difficult
2:50
for me to pronounce. And I just kept trying to
2:56
say it over and over in my head so that I didn't
2:58
forget it and that I didn't mispronounce it.
3:01
And here's a little foreshadowing. I absolutely
3:05
mispronounced it and absolutely forgot it several
3:08
times. Okay? During the wedding day. But... In
3:12
the trial, she had this very natural, kind of
3:16
crunchy, earthy feeling about her, like her energy
3:19
was very mellow. She was no fuss, no drama. She
3:26
seemed genuinely relaxed and easy to be around.
3:31
And everything she described bottled down to
3:33
one word, natural. That's all she wanted, her
3:37
entire concept of how she wanted to look, how
3:40
her wedding was being laid out natural. She wanted
3:47
her hair down in soft, flowing curls, which kind
3:51
of concerned me because she had very fine hair,
3:55
and fine hair has a way of dropping curls out,
3:57
like if you're me, in about 30 minutes, but for
4:00
a lot of people, it's not gonna last the entire
4:03
day and tonight. for the wedding day. So we talked
4:07
about that a little bit. And then for her makeup,
4:11
she wanted to look like she wasn't wearing anything,
4:16
wanted to look like herself, but just a little
4:18
bit more polished. So the problem with that is
4:22
that the camera has a way of completely washing
4:25
you out and So I explained this I explained that
4:29
you need to wear it like a little bit more makeup
4:31
than you normally do For it to look very natural
4:35
in the pictures. I had a feeling that she didn't
4:38
wear makeup at all She came in with no makeup,
4:40
but she also was doing a trial, but I just got
4:42
the feeling that she wasn't a big makeup wearer.
4:45
So, we discussed it, she understood it, and I
4:48
said to her, you know, like, okay, let's just
4:50
do it, and then you tell me, oh, that's too much,
4:53
or I tell you, oh, you need more blush, whatever,
4:55
we're gonna figure this out. So, the trial went
5:02
very well. I did several hairstyles on her, we
5:07
worked out the makeup, I took pictures, I took...
5:09
copious amounts of notes so that I could recreate
5:12
what she really, really liked on the day of her
5:16
wedding. Fine, no problem. In theory, this should
5:21
have all worked like clockwork. I also explained
5:25
to her that her bridesmaids needed to come in
5:29
with clean, dry, and a little bit of styling
5:33
products in their hair. And I was going to do
5:36
three of the bridesmaids, including the maid
5:37
of honor. And then another stylist in the salon
5:40
was going to do two of the other bridesmaids.
5:43
She completely understood. Everything was great.
5:46
We knew the time that she was coming. We were
5:48
a little bit very not a little bit. We were a
5:52
lot of bit conscious of the time frame because
5:55
she didn't allow a lot of time for all of this
5:58
to get done. But because I had done so many weddings,
6:00
I was like, OK, we got this. No pressure at all.
6:03
The wedding day arrived. I got to the salon about
6:07
an hour early. I set up a little goodie bar of
6:12
bagels, schmears, croissants, orange juice, champagne
6:17
for mimosas, water, coffee, the whole shebang,
6:21
okay? And I got all my stuff set up. I was super
6:26
ready, organized. Like always, the other stylist
6:30
came in, she was completely organized and ready
6:33
to go, okay? So about 30 minutes after the scheduled
6:40
arrival time, and two phone calls later, the
6:44
wedding party walks it. No sorry's, no, oh please
6:50
excuse us, none of that. So, somewhere in my
6:54
head I heard David Attenborough very quietly
7:01
beginning to narrate, clearing his throat. At
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the time, I seriously thought I was just gonna
7:11
style a wedding party. I had no idea that I was
7:16
about to watch four completely different stress
7:20
responses just unfold in front of me, including
7:26
my own. The first bridesmaid Came over to sit
7:35
down in my chair and I looked at her hair and
7:40
it was soaking wet and I mean dripping like she
7:44
just walked out of the shower and then Somehow
7:48
transported herself to my salon. I've never seen
7:51
anything like this just dripping dripping dripping
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and I just kept blinking like just What is happening
8:00
here, right? Because I knew that I had been very
8:03
clear with the bride about how the bridesmaid
8:05
needed to arrive. But then, like I said, I heard
8:10
the narration of Attenborough saying, like, emerging
8:14
from the moist undergrowth, the damp raptor appears,
8:19
seeking assistance in transforming her saturated
8:23
curls into a smooth chignon. A chignon is like
8:27
a low bun, like at the nape of the head, like
8:30
think ballerina. Her hair was super curly, very
8:35
frizzy, and I thought, okay, let's just do this,
8:39
right? So I'm already 30 minutes behind. I have
8:42
to blow dry her hair, smooth her hair, and then
8:46
do the chignon. When I think back now, I think
8:54
coaching has taught me something that I did not
8:57
understand then. When someone violates our expectations,
9:04
our brains almost instantly start explaining
9:07
who they are instead of maybe wondering what
9:11
happened. While she might be operating from a
9:15
completely different set of expectations. We
9:18
tell ourselves or I told myself that she's irresponsible.
9:22
She didn't care and she's inconsiderate. Maybe
9:27
those things were true. Maybe they weren't. What
9:30
I now know is that judgment closes down the conversation
9:34
and I had a lot of it. If I had just shown some
9:38
curiosity and asked her some questions, maybe
9:42
that misunderstanding would have just like, you
9:46
know, kind of tamped down, my judgment. But as
9:50
it turned out, the damp rapture just truly reminded
9:55
me that we respond differently under stress.
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So I finished her, I'm 30 minutes behind, and
10:03
now here comes the second bridesmaid who is the
10:06
maid of honor. She sat down and everything looked
10:11
okay. She looked like she had her hair was like
10:14
up in a ponytail, but it looked curly. I removed
10:19
the elastic band from her ponytail and her hair
10:26
exploded into this tangled knot, like super oily,
10:35
very, very dirty. Think Bob Marley on a humid
10:40
day. Almost, maybe not as much, but a lot. And
10:49
I took a very slow, shallow breath, because I'm
10:54
very short, and my nose is always in the hair.
10:59
So I decided that, okay, we're not going to chitchat
11:03
about this. She said she wanted to wear it curly
11:05
and just kind of piled up on top of her head.
11:08
But it was so tangled that I needed to brush
11:13
it a little bit and then maybe re -wet it. tiny
11:15
bit, just to get the curl to form. I took the
11:21
brush and I started one brush, one pass through,
11:27
through the tangled hair, very gently, and all
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of a sudden she pulled away from me, bent in
11:35
half like a, you know, like just completely in
11:38
half, like putting the car chair down, and put
11:43
her face in her hands. And she was leaning so
11:48
far forward that I couldn't reach her hair any
11:51
longer. And so I said, whatever her name was,
11:55
are you okay? And she didn't answer me. And so
12:00
I asked her again, silence. So then I put my
12:04
hand on her shoulder and I'm like, hey, hey,
12:06
what's going on? Are you all right? Nothing,
12:11
absolute silence. So at this point, I can't waste
12:15
any more time. I don't know what's going on.
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She looks like she's crying. I can't hear anything.
12:20
So I say, I can't remember the bride's name,
12:24
of course, because now I'm under pressure. And
12:27
so I just yelled out, bride, so that she would
12:30
come over. And she didn't. And then she stooped
12:33
down to the ground, because that's how far forward
12:36
this maid of honor was, and put her hand on her
12:40
shoulder and said, you know, hey, are you all
12:42
right? And the maid of honor raised her head
12:48
from her hands, completely dry eyes, no crying
12:53
whatsoever, looked over at the bride and said,
12:58
no, I'm fine. She just pulled my hair. I seriously,
13:09
I just stood there for a second. And somewhere
13:14
in the distance, I heard Attenborough clear his
13:16
throat again. And he said, the pterodactyl has
13:21
entered the ecosystem. What's fascinating about
13:25
this dino is that they have developed a survival
13:28
strategy of emotional display with hardly any
13:34
moisture. The bride looked at me with absolute
13:40
reproach, and she said, you know, can you be
13:43
more gentle? Once again, my first reaction was
13:48
absolute judgment. I was completely annoyed.
13:51
Like, are you kidding me? I didn't even pull
13:54
her hair, right? But of course I said, yes, sorry,
13:58
you know, I didn't mean to pull her hair. Yeah,
14:01
I'll be more gentle. So, I very gently gathered
14:05
her gnarled hair and just pinned it up piece
14:09
by piece on her head into what generously could
14:14
be described as an up style. And I never used
14:19
a comb, I never used a brush, and sent her back
14:23
to the couch. And so now, because of that, I
14:26
was only 15 minutes behind, so I thought, okay,
14:28
I can make up this time. Thinking about her later
14:33
on, I realized something that I had sensed many
14:40
times in bridal parties. I noticed this pattern
14:44
that there always seemed to be one person in
14:48
the wedding party whose behavior, whether intentional
14:51
or not, pulled attention away from the bride.
14:56
At the time, I would have called it jealousy,
14:59
but You know, it's most likely more complicated
15:02
than that. I think in major life transitions,
15:09
such as a wedding, it's not just the people getting
15:12
married that are transitioning. I think relationships
15:17
shift, like the wedding shifts relationships.
15:22
The roles, the expectations, the person's sense
15:26
of where they belong. Someone who's always been
15:33
like the closest friend or the sister that everyone
15:36
depended on or just the one that felt the most
15:40
important in the bride's life suddenly finds
15:44
himself in a different place. That shift can
15:47
stir up emotions. I think emotions that none
15:53
of the people involved fully understand. So was
15:57
that what was happening to her? I don't know.
15:59
But years later, I realized as well that the
16:05
bridesmaid or the maid of honor, she never answered
16:08
me when I asked if she was okay. She only answered
16:11
the bride. And another thing that stress does
16:15
is it often turns the people that are stressed
16:20
out, like their nervous system is experiencing
16:23
like craziness, they turn towards whoever is
16:27
the safest. What's happening in that moment?
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I don't know, but I think that they turn towards
16:35
people who represent familiarity, comfort, or
16:39
connection. So I don't think that moment was
16:42
about the comb, because I swear to you, I didn't
16:45
pull her hair. I think she needed something I
16:47
couldn't give her. At the time, I thought I solved
16:51
the problem, but now I realize I only solved
16:56
the hairstyle, right? So the last bridesmaids
17:00
hair was clean dry and smooth Yay, okay For a
17:06
brief moment. I thought all right the universe
17:08
has thrown me a lifeline This is great. So I
17:12
was smiling and I said to her like how would
17:15
you like to wear your hair for today? Her lips
17:19
were moving, but I didn't hear a single word
17:22
like not at all So I leaned in a little bit closer
17:26
and I asked her again. Again, I heard nothing
17:31
that she said. And somewhere in the distance,
17:34
the narration returned, right? The Whispersaurus
17:38
moves cautiously along the perimeter of the park.
17:42
Communication is attempted, though rarely detected
17:46
by the human ear. Have you ever seen the movie
17:49
Pitch Perfect? The first one? there's a girl
17:53
that is the boomboxer in the in the the what
17:58
do you call it the acapella group and you can't
18:02
hear a word she says and she says something super
18:06
funny like I ate my twin in the womb in this
18:08
like very soft whisper this is what I thought
18:11
of when this girl was trying to speak to me and
18:16
so ah finally you know after Really trying to
18:23
hear her, I just used my hairstylist sense and
18:31
a lot of pantomiming and figured out kind of
18:36
what she wanted. In retrospect, I think that
18:46
stress also can make people very loud and excitable,
18:50
but it can also make people shrink back and kind
18:57
of become invisible. And I think that's what
19:00
was happening here, right? So the Whispersaurus
19:04
reminded me that withdrawal is just as much of
19:08
a stress response as yelling, crying, or screaming.
19:13
Thankfully, she wasn't difficult, just extremely
19:17
hard to hear. Surviving the damp raptor, the
19:22
pterodactyl, and the whispersaurus, and only
19:25
being 15 minutes behind, that felt like a miracle.
19:30
So I quickly set up my makeup and recreated on
19:35
the bride what we did at the trial. She seemed
19:38
pleased by it, and the one thing though is I
19:42
could tell that she was starting to get a little
19:44
bit anxious, a little bit stressed out. She kept
19:46
looking at her watch at the time, and you know.
19:50
it was coming up on the time, you know? So I
19:54
then began to curl her hair. And as I was curling
19:59
the first few curls, she whipped her head around
20:03
and asked me, why are you using a different curling
20:06
iron? You didn't use that at the trial. And I
20:13
explained to her that It was the second iron
20:16
that I used when I explained to her that her
20:18
curls were not going to stay in all day long.
20:22
And. Like her entire demeanor change that that
20:28
calm laid back. It was gone. She started questioning
20:33
me and complaining that nothing was the same
20:36
as the trial and going on and on and kind of
20:40
like raising her voice, like just being rude.
20:43
And so I stopped what I was doing and just said
20:47
to her, OK, well, we can fix that. I said, I
20:50
can show you the pictures, but we don't have
20:52
a lot of time for that. So just tell me what's
20:56
going on. And she said that she wanted the bigger
20:58
iron. And I mean, I don't care. At that point,
21:02
I just I'm going to do what she wants to do.
21:06
But she was also on the phone and getting up
21:11
and going over to the couch and getting something
21:12
out of her bag and just making everything more
21:16
stressful, making it take longer, getting closer
21:19
and closer to the time when she needed to leave.
21:23
And she kept asking me, oh, can I have some more
21:27
champagne? Can I have some more champagne? So
21:29
finally, I just brought the, I refilled her glass
21:33
with the new bottle. And I just set it on the
21:36
station. Like, here you go. Have as much as you
21:38
want. I don't care. So I used a larger curling
21:43
iron and I was just trying to do what she wanted
21:47
me to do. And after spending almost three hours
21:53
with this wedding party, I could feel my stress
21:57
level becoming higher. It's a very normal response.
22:02
And After she got up to do something one more
22:06
time, I said to her, excuse me for one minute.
22:10
Because I felt like I was going to flip out on
22:12
her. And I don't want to do that. That's not
22:15
me. It's my salon. I have this whole wedding
22:17
party. Like, you know, there's a decorum. There's
22:20
a level of professionalism that I don't want
22:25
to cross that line. So I excused myself. I went
22:28
to the back room and Um, instead of throwing
22:31
something, I just started breathing and I was
22:37
taking deep breaths in and very slowly and even
22:40
slower breathing them out, right? To regulate
22:43
my nervous system. And then I started like kind
22:46
of naming things in my head that that was in
22:48
front of me, right? So these are all techniques
22:51
to calm down the nervous system, right? And so
22:54
eventually after like a minute of doing that,
22:57
I did start to feel calmer and You know, I just
23:03
went back out there and finished her up. She
23:08
eventually liked everything and then they finally
23:11
left. But it made me think like I don't want
23:15
to do this anymore. Like this is like the final
23:18
straw that wedding parties are becoming kind
23:20
of impossible and I don't like how I feel afterwards.
23:24
I don't feel that happy. And I thought about
23:26
this for weeks afterwards, and I thought about
23:30
how different she seemed during her trial and,
23:34
you know, was questioning, like, were you really
23:37
that easygoing? Were you really that laid back?
23:40
Were you pretending? I don't think that anymore.
23:44
I really don't. Psychology has taught me that
23:48
we all carry an identity, you know, a story about
23:52
who we think ourselves to be. My story was simple.
23:57
I was prepared, organized, I paid attention to
24:01
every detail. I knew what I was doing. But when
24:07
she questioned the curling iron, I believe my
24:11
nervous system didn't hear a question about the
24:14
tool I was using. That question was about my
24:20
competence. And that's identity threat. In plain
24:24
English, that's identity threat. Our identities
24:29
often feel very stable until they're threatened.
24:36
We all carry stories about who we are, like,
24:39
oh, I'm easygoing, I'm patient, I'm not controlling.
24:43
I've never said that in my entire life. Most
24:46
days, though, those stories fit. But I think
24:51
stress has a way of testing whether those stories
24:55
are descriptions of us or aspirations. Sometimes
25:00
they're either or sometimes they're both. I believe
25:05
the bride wasn't only protecting her identity
25:08
that morning. I think she was likely trying to
25:10
protect the image that the perfect wedding that
25:16
she had spent months planning and imagining.
25:20
I think that became part of her image. And that's
25:25
how our reactions become bigger than the moment
25:28
itself. One of the biggest lessons I've learned
25:33
both behind the chair and through coaching is
25:35
that people usually make sense once you understand
25:39
what they're trying to protect. Sometimes it's
25:44
their role, sometimes it's their relationship,
25:46
sometimes it's their confidence. Sometimes it's
25:49
just a sense of simply belonging. We may never
25:55
know exactly what's happening inside another
25:57
person, but we can choose to become a little
26:02
less certain and a little more curious. Maybe
26:07
that's where our original self begins to show
26:10
up, right? Not when everything is going according
26:14
to plan, but when the plan falls apart. That's
26:17
when we really see what's going on. I hope something
26:22
in this episode resonates with you. And if you're
26:26
interested in working with me, you can find all
26:28
my information in this episode's notes. Thank
26:32
you so much for listening and I'll see you next
26:35
time. I hope you have a wonderful day.