Latest / Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul / Why the Helper Never Gets Held: Healing Hyper-Independence

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Why the Helper Never Gets Held: Healing Hyper-Independence · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, and welcome to today's episode of the Healing Her Story Podcast.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time joining us here, welcome.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I trust that you have found your way to today's episode in your perfect right time and way.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are returning to the show, welcome back.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to be talking about something I think is of the utmost importance when we're on a healing journey, especially in this modern day and age with so many feelings of loneliness, of disconnection.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation is also being shaped by some of the shadowy aspects of Virgo as we are continuing to move through Virgo season.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: The archetype of Virgo is seen as the helper, someone who lives their life in service to the community and to others.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really beautiful part of Virgo energy.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it can also be quite toxic and problematic when we're doing that service at the expense of ourselves.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think for so many of us as women, not all of us, but many of us, we're natural caretakers.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're drawn to roles where we can nurture, where we can help people grow, roles like nurses, teachers, therapists, and social workers.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: We need those people.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am one of those people.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a great fulfillment that I do get from witnessing others in their own becoming and supporting them into that becoming.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're constantly living our life in service to others, I think it's helpful to ask ourselves, how are we also allowing ourselves to be served by others?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: How are you allowing yourself to be supported?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we develop hyperindependence, the sense that we've got it, that we don't need anyone else's help but our own.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want to celebrate how resilient that can be.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: How this is a really beautiful, wise, protective, adaptive strategy, one that was very likely created in early childhood.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes hyperindependence develops when our needs weren't consistently met as a child.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: This might look like inconsistent caretaking, a sense of that caretaking being unpredictable or unreliable.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: as little ones, we don't understand why our needs aren't being met.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So we begin to internalize it.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be clear, this isn't only about whether you had a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and clean clothes on your back.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: That matters, yes.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also this emotional layer, the sense of being attuned to, being met, having someone present with us as we move through difficult experiences.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: If we had to navigate that alone as a little one, we can start to develop this armor, this belief that we don't need anyone else's help, or rather, that our needs won't be taken care of.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So why ask?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why depend on anyone else at all?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: As I'm sharing this, I'm actually having a memory come through from my early childhood.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I had a day where I was bullied and I went home upset, and I went to share with my mom.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And while she was only doing her best to provide care, the way I internalized it was to ignore my feelings because she told me things like it doesn't matter, or just brush it off, stop crying.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And while it seems small and insignificant in the moment, that had a profound effect on my nervous system, on my orientation of the world, and really of myself and my own needs.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: There's some current research coming out on hyperindependence that describes this.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's increasingly understood now that hyperindependence is not just a personality trait, but rather a trauma response.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: One that forms when a child's early bids for connection or help were met with inconsistency or unavailability.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So early on, the nervous system begins to learn that the needs aren't going to be met.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so we adapt to survive.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: From there, we can start to build our sense of worth around how much we can help others, believing that if we give enough, show up enough, serve enough, that it will make us more lovable or more desirable.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe our needs will finally be met once we've given enough.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be honest, I've seen this pattern in myself, especially in the earlier stages of my career when I was working in the fitness industry.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And right as I was starting to transition into health coaching and breath work facilitation, I remember a period over winter break where my part-time work, I either wasn't doing it or didn't have much of it during the winter season, and my work had really slowed down, and I didn't have anybody that I was helping for a few weeks.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really uncomfortable.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I felt quite useless, almost a little depressed.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I really had to sit with what came up for me when I wasn't being of use to others.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had to confront this belief that if I wasn't living my life in service to others, that I wasn't helpful or that I didn't matter somehow.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: With time, as I've brought more awareness and tending to these patterns, they have begun to shift.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm actually really grateful for the days I love my work, but I'm very grateful for the days where I don't have to show up and care for anyone, and I can just care for myself.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I've really come to understand that I need the support and service of others too.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so since then, I've curated this beautiful support team and the support system that gives to me as well.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Especially given how much I give to my clients and my students and the podcast and all of these other areas of my life where I'm really pouring a lot of my time, my love, my energy.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: That process has helped me to understand, along with my training and my teachings, that we do really need others.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: We are not here to go through this human experience alone.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: We are genetically, biologically, physiologically hardwired for connection.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so much of the wounding and trauma that happens in our early developmental years happens in relationship, which means that those same patterns of hyperindependence, that same self-worth through giving pattern, they need to be healed in relationship too, in the presence of another nervous system.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And there's some interesting research on co-regulation as well.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Our nervous systems, in a sense, are social systems.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're in the presence of someone who is safe and present and attuned, it can actually help our body shift out of that survival state and into a more calm place of feeling connected.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And fun fact, we can actually do this through our nervous systems, through this co-regulation piece.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It can happen that change, that shift into the rest and digest part of the nervous system, it can happen in seconds when we're in connection with the right person.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Versus if we're in an activated state and we're trying to calm ourselves down by ourselves, it actually takes about 20 minutes.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: So this is one of the most powerful tools that we have access to in any moment when in connection with the right person.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's such a beautiful affirmation that we don't need to do this alone.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: With time, as you start to reorient and reorganize yourself, I have found in my own experience that my relationships have begun to reorient and reorganize as well.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And one thing I found really interesting is as I've tended to these patterns, is that my one thing that I have found really interesting is that as I've tended to these patterns, my relationships have started to change quite a bit.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think we talk about that enough on the healing journey.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't about protecting your peace or setting boundaries.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is about the natural shifts that I have watched unfold and some of my closest relationships simply because I started showing up differently.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: As hard as that's been, as much grief as it has brought up for me, it's also created space for new relationships to begin.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the friendships and the relationships I'm building now feel different.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I can sense it energetically.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's a different frequency, there's more ease, there's this reciprocal give and take, a sense of being met, where we're both doing our best to meet each other and to be present with each other.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that has been so healing for me.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, it's really changed the way I show up in my relationships because having functional, healthy, reciprocal relationships has attuned me even more to what actually nourishes and fills me up versus what drains me and keeps me stuck in those same patterns of dysfunction and dysregulation.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: We can go to therapy, we can journal, we can do our creative practices, we can do our one-on-one work.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: But if we're not also taking what we've learned and practicing it in real time, in a real relationship with a real person, IRL, we sometimes miss the opportunity to actually rewire and shift the nervous system.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: If we truly want to experience life differently, I don't think we can afford to miss this component.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Seeking out relationships, spaces, and places where we can practice, build, and refine these skills.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm sharing today is something that I haven't talked about much on the show before.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: If this is resonating for you today, I want to invite you into the spiral.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is a women's group I've been building here in Sacramento.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the work is based off of the book Fighting for Our Friendships by Danielle Barard Jackson, a female friendship expert.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out to Danielle if you're ever listening and want to come on the show.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's two ideas that anchor this spiral.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: The first is that we heal in relationship.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is probably more of my belief than Danielle's, I would say.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And two, that we truly need healthy, functional, reciprocal relationships to thrive.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Female physiology's primary regulator is oxytocin.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: We get oxytocin through intimacy, pleasure, and connection.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So women especially do need this relational aspect of our healing.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin plays a well-documented role in regulating our stress responses, in supporting healing and connection.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's described as one of the most powerful antidotes we can have to the kind of chronic unprocessed stress that builds up in the body over time.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to really encourage discernment as you explore this layer.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because there have been women groups that I've been a part of that genuinely weren't safe.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: It might look safe to the unseen eye, but inside there's this felt sense of something being off.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever felt that in a women's space, I want to encourage you to listen to it.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's always room to sit with whether it's our own projection, our own wounds that are being triggered.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: However, even after that reflection, if you're still feeling like something's off, there's probably a reason.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So many spaces for women aren't actually emotionally safe.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Safe.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Many facilitators and spaceholders haven't been trained in the deeper nervous system layers that come with attachment, trauma, our history, all of these things that genuinely shape how we show up and relate both to ourselves and to others.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I've yet to find a space where I feel I can safely go and practice this myself for all women.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because a few weeks ago, I did actually go to a somatic play shop local here in Sacramento, shout out to Smash Up Somatics.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was really beautiful.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: It had this relational component, which was a pleasant surprise.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't realized how much focus would be on the relational component.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And we really had the opportunity to practice relating to ourselves in relationship with another.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I left feeling so nourished with that surge of oxytocin from the connection and the pleasure.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: As I continue to stay open to spaces like this, I've also been building the space that I wish that I had and honestly still wish I had.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that requires time, trust, space, titration.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we can't fully get there, I think, if people are coming and going.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Once the group closes, we'll be able to go deep into this body of work and really begin embodying these teachings.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe today's conversation has you reflecting on why you help so much.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're reflecting on how you can allow yourself to receive help just as much as you give to others.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you're local to Sacramento and this offer resonates, we're closing the spiral on September 22nd with the fall equinox.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: The first step is to enter the group through a somatic assessment and care planning session, just like with all of my offerings.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: I also understand that sometimes you want to connect with the person facilitating a bit more to discern if it's the right fit, which is on theme with Virgo season.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I've decided to open up some complimentary get to know you calls.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And these are specifically for women local to Sacramento who are interested in joining the group.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you're just curious, I'd recommend exploring the page, the info page.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: It has everything you need to know and so much more.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if you've read the info page and you're on the fence and want a little more reassurance before booking your somatic assessment and care planning session, I'll leave the link to book your get to know you call in the show notes.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Today's conversation is honestly a wonderful primer episode as we slowly make our way towards Libra season in a couple of weeks.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: We'll have another juicy transition episode to walk us across that bridge from Virgo to Libra.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: As for today's conversation, you can find all of the resources mentioned, including Danielle's book and more information on the spiral, and the link to get to uh to book your get to know you call in the show notes.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to connecting with you in the next episode.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.