Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 068: When Your Child Leaves for College: Navigating the Empty Nest and Finding Yourself Again

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068: When Your Child Leaves for College: Navigating the Empty Nest and Finding Yourself Again · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

0:32
SPEAKER_00: If you are preparing to take your child to college, whether it's your first year or your fourth year doing it, today's episode is for you.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: It's also for you if you are a woman who is standing at a particular crossroads.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a season of change, of transition.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: And that could be retirement.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: It could mean coming to the end of a period of caregiving, watching an adult child build a life of their own, or leaving behind some role that you once depended on and looked to to give you structure and purpose to your days.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: This episode is going to be for you.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: Even when change is healthy or necessary, maybe it's something that you are hoping for, it still has the ability to sometimes leave us feeling grief at what is ending and uncertainty, wondering who we are going to be next.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: So this is the fourth year for me that I have gone through watching my daughter prepare and leave for college.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: And I have to tell you, honestly, you might think I would be used to it by now, but the truth is, I'm just not.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm enormously proud of the independent woman that she is, that she is becoming.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the other part of this.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: And it's the part that we don't say out loud a lot of times.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes getting exactly what you hope for can still feel like your heart is breaking into a million little pieces.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: As I watch her step into this new version of herself, I feel such a sense of loss.
2:41
SPEAKER_00: And of course, I have not lost her, but something is changing.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: Our relationship has been ever evolving through tweens and teens, and this now this stage, and the way she needs me is changing.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: And now I have to figure out who I'm going to be in this new version of motherhood.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: And for many mothers, it also brings up another difficult question.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: What am I going to do with myself now that I'm not needed in the same way?
3:09
SPEAKER_00: I've been talking about what I call our big girl panty moments throughout this week.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: And this is just another one of them.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: So welcome back to Limitless Living.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: This is a podcast for women who are ready to feel better, live more fully, and create the lives they really want, all without losing themselves in the process.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: And I am your host, Freddie Davis.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Here on Tuesdays, we talk about sustainable success.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: On Thursdays, we talk about creating wellness.
3:36
SPEAKER_00: And on Saturdays, we talk about identity, passion, and purpose, and the woman that you are becoming.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: That is exactly what we're going to talk about today.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: This week, we have been talking all week about what I call these big girl panty moments.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: On Sustainable Success Tuesday, we talked about finding your next right move when your business gets hard.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: On Wednesday for Reset Thursday, we talked about how learning to remain calm can become a coping mechanism and how the effects of prolonged stress may show up in the body days, weeks, even months later.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: And in those episodes, I shared more about where my big girl patty philosophy came from.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: So you can go back and listen to those and how it's carried me through so many different seasons of my life.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: And I've got a few other good sayings too, but we're gonna go with this one this week.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: If you haven't heard them, please definitely go back, listen to them when you have a chance.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: I think you'll find a lot of value in them.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: At least that is always my intention for every single episode I create.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: Now, back to this week's additional big girl panty moment for me.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: So today we're talking about a different kind of big girl panty moment.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: And what is a big girl panty moment?
4:53
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if you haven't heard the others, a big girl panty moment is one of those moments when you are faced with something difficult, and your first inclination may be to fold or cave in or put your cozy pajamas on, crawl under the covers and not come back out.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: And listen, sometimes crawling under the covers for a little while is exactly what you need.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: A big girl panty moment, though, is not the moment when you decide you are finished feeling, not at all.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: It's the moment when you decide that your feelings are real and they deserve to be acknowledged, but they are not going to make every decision about what happens next.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: You cry, you breathe, you pray, you call someone, crawl under the covers for a little while, if that's what you need.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: And then when you're able, you begin picking up the pieces and taking your next right step.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: So these moments do not only happen during a crisis.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: They also happen during transitions.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: They happen when life is changing in a way you may not be completely ready for, even when the change is right or healthy or necessary or hoped for, because sometimes the right thing can still hurt.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: So I remember back when I was taking my daughter to college for the first time.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: This is that time of year again.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: And as I started out letting you know that it's our fourth year, and maybe you're preparing to do this for the first time, or you've done it before.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're just, or maybe this story brings back memories of your own experience.
6:24
SPEAKER_00: My daughter was not moving across the country in her first year.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: I was actually very fortunate that her first college was only about 45 minutes away.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: If she genuinely needed me, I could be there quickly.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: I could take her out to lunch.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: I could go see her if I needed to.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: Logically, I knew all of that.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: But logic went right out the window.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: If you've been through this, I know you know it's coming.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: This was a turning point.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: I was leaving my baby girl at college, even though I knew she was fully capable and was no longer a little girl.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: We moved your things into the dorm, I remember, and I wanted to help her make her bed and get settled.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: I mean, something so simple as making her bed, right?
7:07
SPEAKER_00: She was excited and she was just ready to be independent.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: She's like, no, mom, no, no, no.
7:14
SPEAKER_00: I can make my own bed.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: Of course, she could make her own bed.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: This was not the point.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to make it for her.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to help her settle in.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, I wanted to be part of it.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: Are you getting the picture here?
7:29
SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to be there for her.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be part of this experience with her.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: And yes, I still wanted to feel a little bit needed, in all honesty.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: She wanted to put her own imprint on a room and she wanted to arrange her things her way and begin claiming her own independence.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: And again, this is exactly what we want for our children.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: Our job as parents is not to baby our children to the point that they always need us.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: Our job is to raise them and let them make their decisions so they can become strong, capable, contributing, thriving, and hopefully very happy human beings.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: We raise them to make their own beds, choose their own destinies and paths and solve their own problems and pretty much create their own lives that do not require us to stand beside them every single minute.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: That is our job.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: Now I lost a parent when I was very young.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: Because of that, I've always had a little extra awareness that I may not be here forever.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: So I may pay a little extra attention to this than some of the parents of today.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: I knew for sure I wanted to make sure my daughter could stand on her own two feet, whether I was standing beside her or not.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: That has been a driving force in the way I have raised her.
8:46
SPEAKER_00: But when she began doing exactly what I raised her to do, part of me wanted to say, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, stop, turn back the clock.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: Not quite so quick.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm not ready yet.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: Can you relate?
8:59
SPEAKER_00: I still feel this way if I'm being honest.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: Since she did not need me to make her bed, how silly this bed story, right?
9:07
SPEAKER_00: I started finding other things in that moment that she might need.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need an organizer for this.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: Or wait, you need something over here.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: I think you need a shelf or a lamp.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: Wait, I think we forgot that.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: And then finally I said, okay, I'll tell you what, you stay here, start to get settled in.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: You can make your own bed.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: Dad and I will run over to HomeGoods or Target.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: We'll get you all this stuff, and then we'll be back.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: So we went out.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: We got her this, we got her that, we got her another thing.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: I just kept finding reasons to extend the process.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: It probably looked as though I was simply shopping for dorm supplies to anyone else.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, you saw all the other parents doing the same exact thing on move-in weekend.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: But what I was really doing was looking for one more way to stay connected.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: One more thing she might need me for.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: One more reason not to leave quite yet.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: I get choked up even thinking or telling you this story.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: This is her fourth year, mind you.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: And that first goodbye still touches a piece inside me, deep inside me.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: You know, when you love your children, you enjoy them, you feel connected to them, and you want the entire world for them.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: These moments can really hit hard.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the thing: they do still need us, they just happen to need us in a different way.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: And we need to find a way to transition to that and adjust.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: People often say, your children grow up and then they don't need you anymore, or I'll do this when my kids grow up and don't need me anymore.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: I do not believe that is true.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: They still need us, they just need us in a different way at each of these different stages.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: They may not need us to solve every problem anymore, and they may not want our advice before they've had a chance to figure some things out on their own.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: In fact, there may be a stage when they do not want much advice at all.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: In fact, the anti of everything, if you've lived through that stage, they're exercising their independence.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: This is all normal.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: And at those moments, they know everything, right?
11:21
SPEAKER_00: Apparently, for a while, we do not know nearly as much as we used to as parents.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: I just have to laugh because I was the same way with my mom.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: Something sometimes they just need us to listen.
11:33
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they need us to wait until they ask for help.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: I find that one of the hardest.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they need us to believe they are capable, even when we can see a mistake coming from 20 miles away.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: That is a difficult shift for us to make, for a mom, a parent to make.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: I believe we need to allow our children to make mistakes, though.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: And then we need to give them the opportunity to fix those mistakes.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: This is how they grow.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: They don't develop resilience when we do everything for them, when everything is easy or when someone else always fixes it for them.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: But knowing that does not make stepping away and stepping back any easier.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: When our children are young, so much of our love is expressed through doing.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: As mothers, we become doers, even if we weren't doers before.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: We feed them, we dress them and drive them everywhere and manage the schedule and help with the homework and hug them and kiss their boo-boos when they fall and stay awake all night when they're sick and you know, make the decisions that they are not able to make yet.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: Then, little by little, as they grow, good parenting begins to require us to do less, not love less, not care less, but step back enough for our children so they can step forward.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: That requires its own level of courage, serious courage.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: Pride and sadness can both exist together.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: In these moments, it's entirely possible to be proud of your child and sad all at the same time.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: It's entirely possible to have two conflicting feelings at the same time.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: I am proud of my daughter incredibly, I have to admit, but I am very sad too.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: Not just a little sad, I'm very sad.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: Because I miss so much of those days at the same time as I'm proud and I'm excited for what's next for her.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: We can be excited for our children and still miss them.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: We can know independence will serve them well and still feel the loss of not being needed in those old, familiar ways.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: It just changes.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: We can enjoy having more freedom in our homes.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: Our schedules can become more of our own.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: And the food we put in the refrigerator might still be there when you want to go back for it.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: We can enjoy those things and still walk past an empty bedroom and feel that pang of something that's just missing.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: And I know some of you who might be listening might be thinking to yourself, My God, my children have been home long enough.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm ready for them to move out.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: It's time.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: That can be true too.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: There's no single correct emotional response or timing.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: This is very individual to you and your child.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: you may feel grief.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: You may feel relief at the same time as you feel grief.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: And you might also feel freedom or feel like you are lost.
14:53
SPEAKER_00: Or, or maybe all four of those before you even get to lunch.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: But the point is not to force yourself to respond the way you think a good mother is supposed to respond, or the way society wants you to respond, or the way your friends think you should respond.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: The point is to tell yourself the truth about what this transition means to you.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: Because it's not only your child's identity is changing, yours is changing too.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: Going into my daughter's third year, she had a transfer.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Uh, she transferred one college to another, and moving her in was an incredible fiasco.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: The first apartment did not work out at all.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: And I ended up having to leave her in a hotel while the situation was getting resolved.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: She didn't know where she was going to live, and she was three or four hours away.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: And everything we unpacked, we had to pack up into the car.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: So I came home with an entirely packed car and drove around.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: And it was really something.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: So I returned a week or two later with all the things that had been packed, unloaded, reloaded, driven around with until she could finally move into the correct apartment.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: And if I gave you that whole story, we could fill an entire episode and a half all by itself.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: But eventually what happened was everything got resolved.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: She was settled into a new place.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: I had come back, we had unloaded, and it was time for me to leave and drive home again.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: I already had gone through year one, year two of college drop-off, and an almost drop-off for year three.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: I had even left her.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: So here we were.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: She was only about three hours away.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: I knew I could get to her if I genuinely needed to.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: I knew that she was capable and able and going to be okay.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: And I knew we would talk and I would see her again and all the good stuff, right?
16:42
SPEAKER_00: But I still struggled.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: It was still hard.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: And once again, here I was.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: I was finding things that I could buy for her at any of the local stores, anywhere around, just so I could come back.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: I could run out, get those things, and come back and see her yet one more time before I made the final drive home.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: I hope you're laughing at this.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: You're either relating, you're thinking I'm ridiculous, or just laughing at it.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: It's totally okay.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: You can 100% laugh at me because I laugh at myself so often throughout the day.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: Now, leaving was really hard.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: And it was hard again the third year.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: That experience taught me a lot each of those years.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: And of course, you know, this is her fourth year, and it was hard to let her go.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: I was a little better, but I was still choked up.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: This fourth year, why am I still emotional?
17:38
SPEAKER_00: I already went through this.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: Why is it hard again?
17:42
SPEAKER_00: Because love does not follow a checklist.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: Transitions happen in layers.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't matter what the transition is, I'm gonna add, but each year is different.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: Each goodbye represents something slightly different.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: Your child is changing, and each year they change differently, and you're changing, and the relationship is changing, and you're not repeating the exact same moment, but you are needing a newer version of it.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: So now here we are, as I said, fourth year, and it feels like another turning point.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: Graduation is no longer like some distant event.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: Adulthood is no longer something we are preparing her for someday.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: She is living it.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: And again, I am so incredibly proud of her.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: I am also still her mother.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Part of me still wants to make the bed or hug her or protect her.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: Part of me wants to make sure she has everything she needs.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: Part of me looks for one more reason to stay a little longer and hold on to that hug for just a few more minutes.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: But I know my work as a mother, as her mother, is changing.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: I have to trust what I helped build in her.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: For me, I also have faith.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: I have to trust in God's plan for her, not my plan.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: I have to allow her independence to be evidence that I did something right instead of proof that I am no longer important.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: Let that one land.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: And I know that logically, it does not always feel quite that simple emotionally.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: That's true.
19:29
SPEAKER_00: And if you're struggling with this like I have, you're not alone.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: Your child's independence is not your rejection.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: It is not evidence that you are no longer needed or loved.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever experienced abandonment or rejection or loss or feeling unwanted earlier in your life, a child pulling away in a healthy and completely normal way can sometimes stir up all those older feelings.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Now, that does not mean your child is abandoning you.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: It means this transition may simply be touching something deeper that deserves your attention and your compassion.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: Your child growing up is evidence that what you poured into them is working.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: But even beautiful evidence can leave an empty space in your daily life.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: Now, what do we do with this space?
20:21
SPEAKER_00: When your son or daughter leaves home, practical things will change.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: There may be fewer shoes at the door, less laundry, fewer schedules to manage, you know, less conversations in the kitchen.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: For me, it means fewer late-night conversations that keep me up until all hours because I will never say no to unless when my daughter wants to talk to me.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: The house might feel and sound a little quieter.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: You may no longer know the details of your child's day unless they choose to share them with you.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: And truth be told, you might call and ask and still not receive every detail unless they decide to tell you.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: That's the reality.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: But something deeper changes too in us.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: For years, motherhood may have provided a sense of structure and purpose and identity, and a constant answer to that question: who needs me today?
21:09
SPEAKER_00: What should I do next?
21:11
SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, here you are.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: There is more space.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: And the question becomes, what will I do with myself now that this space is opened?
21:20
SPEAKER_00: My son, my daughter, my children are no longer here to need me in the same way.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: Now, some people fill it immediately.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: This is what some women do.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: They just fill that up.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: And this a tendency I have, I take on more work, I create projects, I have plenty of passion projects, and they're genuinely passion projects.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: I have more passion projects than I have lifetime to ever do them all.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: And just simply things I want to accomplish and getting that little extra room to do so, that's what I will do.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: Some of that is genuinely exciting and really amazing and right on time.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: But some of it can also become part of how I process or avoid processing the change.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: And for some of you, maybe it'll be that you begin trying to manage your adult children even from a distance.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it'll mean you will involve yourself in other people's problems.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: Or you will stay so busy that there's no room to feel or to understand what this transition is bringing up for you.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: Staying busy is not automatically good.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: It's not automatically bad.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: The question is whether what you are doing is helping you move forward or simply helping you avoid.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: Avoid yourself.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: So if you fill every inch of the space before you understand what it means, you may miss what the transition is trying to tell you.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: The empty space can actually become a great, big, wonderful, beautiful opening.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: That empty space can feel incredibly lonely, but it can also become an opening, an opening for parts of you that have received less attention.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it becomes more time for your marriage or your friendships.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's more time to paint or write or travel, start volunteering, creating, learning, or focusing on your health that maybe you've put on a back burner.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's going to be time for you to start a business or change the business you already have.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: Or give more attention to a purpose that's been kind of calling to you but waiting in the background.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can't even name what it is yet.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: That's okay too.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: This does not mean you are replacing your child.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: It does not mean you are celebrating that they are gone either.
23:42
SPEAKER_00: It does not mean motherhood mattered any less than you thought it did.
23:46
SPEAKER_00: And it's nothing to feel guilty about.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: It means your life is still there.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: You are still you, not just mom, not just partner, not just wife.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: You are you.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: And now you have a little bit more time to focus on that.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: Parts of it may have been placed on hold because other responsibilities became simply more important.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: You know, those relationships and responsibilities still do matter, but now they're changing.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: You are still becoming what's next to, just like your children.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: And now the question is, who are you beyond your roles?
24:20
SPEAKER_00: This connects to something I've been thinking about since I was recently asked to introduce myself inside a private Facebook group.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: And the question that was posed was really very, very good.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: That question started kind of started a theme for this week for me.
24:35
SPEAKER_00: And it was not simply asking, what do you do?
24:39
SPEAKER_00: Instead, it was who are you beyond your roles, your business, and your titles?
24:45
SPEAKER_00: That question stayed with me.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: Different people know different versions of us.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: Your child knows the mother side.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Your spouse knows the partner.
24:55
SPEAKER_00: Your clients know the professional.
24:57
SPEAKER_00: Your employees know the boss.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: Your friends may know the funny one or the adventurous one or the one they call when they have a problem.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: And all of these women are real.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: All of them are you, but none of them by herself is the whole woman.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: So when a major role changes, no matter what that role is, it can feel as though part of your identity has disappeared.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: This can be really disarming.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: And maybe this transition is not only asking you, who am I, if my child does not need me in the same way, but perhaps it's also asking what other parts of me are ready to have more room and attention?
25:38
SPEAKER_00: Now, this is not only about children leaving for college.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: You may experience this kind of an identity shift when you retire, when you're no longer needed in the workplace in the same way, or when caregiving ends, when you no longer have to be the caregiver and all of a sudden all that neededness is gone, and the schedules and the doctor's appointments and things like that, you can experience this.
26:04
SPEAKER_00: When a marriage ends, or when you move on from a business, when you change jobs, when your body no longer can do what it once did, or a relationship changes, or you lose someone you love.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: When a role that organized your days and defined your responsibilities changes, you might find yourself wondering, okay, who am I now?
26:27
SPEAKER_00: What do I do with myself now?
26:29
SPEAKER_00: Who am I now?
26:30
SPEAKER_00: So, enough stories today.
26:31
SPEAKER_00: I want to give you five questions so you can really move through this for yourself, regardless of whatever it is you're moving through.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: Number one, what am I actually grieving?
26:44
SPEAKER_00: So put these in your journal, come back to them, think about them, you know, write them down.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: What am I actually grieving?
26:52
SPEAKER_00: You know, there is grief involved in change, transition, loss, things like this.
26:59
SPEAKER_00: Don't settle for the first answer either that you come up with.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: You might say, Oh, I miss my daughter.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: Of course you miss your daughter.
27:06
SPEAKER_00: But what specifically do you miss?
27:09
SPEAKER_00: Do you miss her physical presence and simply knowing she is nearby?
27:13
SPEAKER_00: I know I do.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: Do you miss the everyday conversations?
27:17
SPEAKER_00: I do.
27:18
SPEAKER_00: Do you miss knowing where she is and having that extra sense of comfort about her safety?
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Yep, I do.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: And do you miss being asked for help and feeling needed?
27:29
SPEAKER_00: I sure do.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: Do you miss the routine or the younger version of your child who used to throw her arms around your neck and say, Mommy, I love you?
27:38
SPEAKER_00: Or do you miss the younger version of yourself who existed during that stage of motherhood?
27:45
SPEAKER_00: What is it that you're grieving?
27:47
SPEAKER_00: Like really dig a little deeper into this.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes you're really grieving the closing of an era.
27:53
SPEAKER_00: You are realizing that a part of your life you could not always fully appreciate while you were in the moment because you were exhausted and overwhelmed and busy has all of a sudden transitioned.
28:06
SPEAKER_00: It's ended.
28:07
SPEAKER_00: Naming what you're grieving does not make you ungrateful for it.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: It just simply helps you understand what your heart is trying to process.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: And it's normal.
28:17
SPEAKER_00: Question number two: what is changing and what is not changing?
28:21
SPEAKER_00: So your child's address may change.
28:24
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
28:24
SPEAKER_00: Your daily routine may change, and the way your children need you may change, but the relationship does not disappear.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: You're not losing the relationship, you're not losing the child.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: You are still their mother.
28:37
SPEAKER_00: Your history is still real.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: The love and family connection is still there.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself what part of this relationship is changing, what remains true, and then consider what the relationship may be growing into next.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you can become a trusted sounding board instead of the person who always makes the decisions.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you take a step back and by taking a step back and keeping the door open, your child will begin to share more with you because they choose to, not because you're pushing it on them and not because you're forcing them to.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you will begin knowing each other as two adults while still remaining mother and child.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: So not long ago, my daughter and I spent the day together before she went back to college.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: It was really hard to coordinate our schedules and all these things beforehand.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: So we went out for the day, did a little shopping, went to a wonderful dinner, and she's 21 now.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: And while we were at dinner, I ordered a drink, a sour apple martini, actually.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: Hadn't had one in years.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: And it really surprised her because genuinely, she has very rarely seen me drink.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: And we were having dinner together, and then I ordered a second one together.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not suggesting that drinking with your adult child is the key to a deeper relationship at all.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: This is not the point.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: And I won't be doing it frequently.
30:03
SPEAKER_00: It's too inflammatory for my autoimmune disease.
30:05
SPEAKER_00: However, I felt like it.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: We were there, we were still mother and daughter, but we were also at that moment two adult women sharing dinner, laughing, talking with the waiter, the manager, the restaurant owner, and just generally experiencing an incredible meal, incredible conversation, and enjoying this whole experience together.
30:29
SPEAKER_00: It was a glimpse.
30:31
SPEAKER_00: It was really a glimpse of what our relationship can become.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: Different, yes, but not less.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: In that moment, we felt connected.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: It felt deeper.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: And as she has become an adult, I have also shared things about myself and my younger years that would not have been appropriate or necessary when she was a child.
30:53
SPEAKER_00: I always get a kick out of seeing her face when she learns a little something new about mom.
30:58
SPEAKER_00: Or she sees another side of mom because I'm showing her this other side like we had at dinner than just the mom's side.
31:05
SPEAKER_00: And it was a different kind of a connection.
31:08
SPEAKER_00: This can be really beautiful too.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm still her mom, first and foremost, but we're transitioning into a different kind of a connection.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: So question number three: who am I when I am not actively needed anymore?
31:23
SPEAKER_00: Now, this one can be pretty uncomfortable.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: Many women, many of us, we spend decades being useful.
31:32
SPEAKER_00: And givers, doers, we give, we serve, we do the caretaking and solve the problems, and we just learn to anticipate other people's needs before they even say them out loud.
31:45
SPEAKER_00: Being needed can become part of how we recognize and measure our value.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: So I want you to ask yourself when no one needs something from you in the moment, what do you actually really want?
32:02
SPEAKER_00: So here's the question.
32:03
SPEAKER_00: When no one needs something from me in this moment, what do I want?
32:09
SPEAKER_00: Then ask yourself what interests me?
32:12
SPEAKER_00: What brings me pleasure?
32:16
SPEAKER_00: What makes me curious?
32:19
SPEAKER_00: What restores me?
32:22
SPEAKER_00: What parts of me have not had enough time or space?
32:27
SPEAKER_00: You are not selfish for having an answer.
32:30
SPEAKER_00: You're not broken or totally disconnected if you do not know these answers yet.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: If your response is, I have no idea.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: It's been so long since I had the luxury of even asking.
32:41
SPEAKER_00: I want you to start beginning with curiosity instead of pressure in these questions.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: You do not need to identify your new life purpose by Monday.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: You may not want to reinvent your entire life either.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: Just begin asking the right questions.
32:56
SPEAKER_00: So, question number four: what part of me wants more room now?
33:01
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is the creative side of you.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: What would the creative side of you want more room to do?
33:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the rested side of you.
33:09
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need more rest.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are a woman who wants more adventure or deeper relationships, deeper friendships, and stronger connections.
33:21
SPEAKER_00: That's one of the things I absolutely value so much about what I do when I'm coaching, when I'm in my wellness center, and when I am either attending or leading at a retreat.
33:35
SPEAKER_00: It's those deeper connections.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're craving that at this point because a lot of times those get lost as we're raising our kids.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are the woman who wants to start your own business or even grow the one that you have and have some renewed energy to breathe into it.
33:51
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the woman who wants to travel and write and learn and teach, ride horses, or sit in complete silence without anyone calling your name.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: Which part of you became quieter or buried deep down while you were meeting everybody else's needs?
34:05
SPEAKER_00: And this is not necessarily about becoming someone completely different.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: It may simply be about welcoming back a part of yourself that you recognize but have not acknowledged in a long time.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: You haven't made room for it.
34:19
SPEAKER_00: So, question number five: what is one way I can support both of us?
34:24
SPEAKER_00: Your child is moving into a new identity, and so are you.
34:27
SPEAKER_00: What would support your child's independence while also supporting your transition?
34:33
SPEAKER_00: How about agreeing on a realistic rhythm for phone calls instead of expecting constant updates?
34:41
SPEAKER_00: Or how about planning the next visit so you have something to look forward to and the goodbye does not feel so endless?
34:51
SPEAKER_00: Or creating a ritual that's for yourself to do a little self-care after move-in day.
34:59
SPEAKER_00: Meeting with a friend or having dinner, taking a walk, spa, go somewhere beautiful, whatever it is.
35:05
SPEAKER_00: Journal, pray, book a class.
35:08
SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to go home and cry it out.
35:11
SPEAKER_00: Slow your breathing without forcing it.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: Breathe in comfortably through your nose for a count of three.
35:18
SPEAKER_00: Then allow your exhale to be a little longer, a little slower.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: Give your body time to settle.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you call someone who understands and will listen without trying to solve it.
35:30
SPEAKER_00: And then when you are ready, you put your big girl panties on and begin taking your next step.
35:36
SPEAKER_00: Making one plan that belongs entirely to you.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: And again, maybe it's an old interest, maybe it's a weekend away, maybe it's a new project, or you join a group, or you start caring for a part of your health that you have been ignoring for too long.
35:51
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to fill every empty hour.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: Just choose one thing that reminds you that your life is moving forward at the same time as your child's life is moving forward.
36:02
SPEAKER_00: You are not being left behind.
36:04
SPEAKER_00: You're both moving forward.
36:07
SPEAKER_00: So a big curl panty moment, again, does not mean you are not allowed to cry in the parking lot after leaving your child in college.
36:15
SPEAKER_00: I've done it.
36:16
SPEAKER_00: It does not mean you cannot get choked up while you're telling the story on your podcast four years later.
36:23
SPEAKER_00: I did while I was recording this.
36:26
SPEAKER_00: It does not mean pretending you are thrilled when part of your heart is hurting.
36:31
SPEAKER_00: It does not mean pushing your feelings down, sweeping them under the carpet, and announcing that everything is fine.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: That word fine.
36:39
SPEAKER_00: That should be banned, that word fine.
36:41
SPEAKER_00: It means allowing yourself to feel the sadness without making your child responsible for fixing it.
36:49
SPEAKER_00: That distinction matters.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: Our children should be allowed to feel excited about their independence without believing they are betraying us because they aren't.
36:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be honest, this can be hard.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: I do my best, but sometimes my daughter sees the tears well up in my eyes.
37:06
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes she worries that she hurt my feelings, even when it is just the situation and not her that is making me emotional.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: We're human.
37:17
SPEAKER_00: I'm human.
37:18
SPEAKER_00: You're human.
37:19
SPEAKER_00: We can tell our children we will miss them.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: We can hug them a little longer, tear up in the moment, and cry after they leave.
37:27
SPEAKER_00: But we do not want them to become afraid to grow or feel guilty for growing because their growth makes us sad.
37:34
SPEAKER_00: The big girl panty moment is being honest about your emotions first with yourself, and then when appropriate, with your child.
37:41
SPEAKER_00: It also means taking responsibility for supporting yourself through those emotions.
37:47
SPEAKER_00: You can explain to them what they are seeing.
37:49
SPEAKER_00: Honey, these tears do not mean that you are doing anything wrong.
37:52
SPEAKER_00: I am proud of you.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: This is simply a big transition for me.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: That's easy.
37:59
SPEAKER_00: And then you breathe, you cry, you pray, you call someone.
38:02
SPEAKER_00: You remind yourself that you can be proud and heartbroken all at the same time, and it's okay.
38:09
SPEAKER_00: Your identity is not being erased when your child leaves home.
38:12
SPEAKER_00: Motherhood is not ending, it's changing shape.
38:14
SPEAKER_00: You are not becoming irrelevant.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: You're not losing your value because your child can make her own bed, make her own decisions, and pay her own bills, or think for herself.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: Your value is not dependent on your child's dependence or anyone else's, let me add.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: You helped raise a person who's ready to do more for themselves.
38:33
SPEAKER_00: That is the work.
38:34
SPEAKER_00: You've done something wonderful.
38:36
SPEAKER_00: And now your work also includes turning a little of that attention back towards you, the woman who's been doing all of that, mothering, keeping it together.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: What do you need?
38:47
SPEAKER_00: What have you postponed?
38:49
SPEAKER_00: What were you curious about before that you put on a back burner?
38:53
SPEAKER_00: What kind of a life do you want to create here?
38:57
SPEAKER_00: Now you do not have to abandon motherhood to rediscover yourself.
39:01
SPEAKER_00: And you can remain deeply connected while you allow your own life to explore.
39:08
SPEAKER_00: As I close this, I want to just say if you're preparing to send your child to college, or you're watching an adult child maybe move away, entering an empty nest season or retiring, coming into some kind of an end of caregiving or business or job or moving through another major identity transition.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: I want you to ask yourself the five questions I gave you, recapping, what am I actually grieving?
39:31
SPEAKER_00: What is changing?
39:33
SPEAKER_00: What remains true?
39:35
SPEAKER_00: Who am I when I'm not actively needed?
39:38
SPEAKER_00: What part of me wants more room now?
39:41
SPEAKER_00: What is one way I can support both of us through this transition?
39:47
SPEAKER_00: And give yourself time with those questions.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: This is not one clean moment when you say goodbye, cry once, and move forward without ever feeling it again.
39:55
SPEAKER_00: Remember, transitions happen in layers.
39:57
SPEAKER_00: If this conversation spoke to you, come join me inside the free Facebook community, Limitless Living for Women Who Are Becoming.
40:04
SPEAKER_00: It's a space for like-minded women to connect on a deeper level and have honest conversations.
40:10
SPEAKER_00: You do not have to know exactly where you are, who you are becoming, and you do not have to know exactly who you are becoming yet.
40:16
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes becoming begins with making enough room to simply ask the questions.
40:21
SPEAKER_00: You can find the link in the show notes, visit Fredericadavis.com or connect with me on Facebook to simply say hello.
40:28
SPEAKER_00: I will be posting soon more information about upcoming programs, workshops, and retreats as well.
40:35
SPEAKER_00: If you know another woman who is preparing to leave part of her heart somewhere in a dorm room or apartment this year, share this episode with her and remind her that it is possible to feel proud, grateful, excited, sad, relieved, and a little lost all at the same time and maybe all before noon.
40:54
SPEAKER_00: All of it's okay.
40:55
SPEAKER_00: Her child is beginning a new chapter, and so is she.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: This is not only an ending, it's also a beginning.
41:01
SPEAKER_00: So until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.