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STSE# 84: What Would We Tell Our Younger Self? · Sometimes There's Side Eye

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  Welcome to Sometimes Their Side Eye, a podcast about two friends
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  having real and unfiltered conversations about dogs and
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  people. Listen as we talk about our
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  lives with dogs, training, behavior, share some laughs and
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  a whole lot of banter. I'm Heather.
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  And I'm Christy, what are we talking about this week,
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  Heather? This week we are going to talk
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  about three things that we would tell our younger selves if
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  possible. All dog related of course.
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  Don't date that guy. He's not worth.
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  It dog, dog. Related.
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  Yes, yes, we are. We are going to stay dog
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  related. We have had this topic on our
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  list of things to talk about for like 4 years and for some reason
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  just haven't gotten there. So Full disclosure, we have not
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  shared with each other what our answers are.
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  So I would be very curious to see.
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  Are you going to play? Ditto on everything Heather
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  says. That is just rude.
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  That is rude. OK, I'm gonna make you go first.
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  You go first. Christy, it's your topic.
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  You go first. OK, one thing that I would tell
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  my younger self if possible would be to not put so much
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  pressure on how other people perceive your relationship with
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  your dog. So we all, we're humans, we all
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  think about whatever, what people think about us and
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  whatever. But I would want to tell my
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  younger self where I am now to be there then, because I my
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  feelings about not not worrying or trying not to worry about
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  what other people think about my relationship with my dog and how
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  I'm training my dog and and different things like, Oh, I
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  don't give a shit that my dog doesn't have a perfect heel when
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  we're out for a walk. And you know, just all of that
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  stuff. I think it would have in not
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  even think it would have improved my relationship and my
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  enjoyment of all of my dogs that I've had in my lifetime.
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  So that is probably my number one thing that I would have
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  would have told my younger self. And I think it kind of goes hand
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  in hand with just being confident in what I'm doing and
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  why I'm doing it and having confidence in my plan and who my
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  dog is and who I am and how we fit together.
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  And not worrying about how it may be perceived by someone else
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  because none of us know the entire story of someone else's
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  relationship. So I think that that's my #1.
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  And that's a tough one because you really have to grow into
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  that, to be honest. Like it is the person you are in
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  your 20s versus the person you are in your 40s.
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  There's so much growth in confidence and just being
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  comfortable with yourself and who you are.
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  That's a yeah, it's, it's tough. You can tell yourself at 20 like
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  just. Don't care.
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  But I do think there's you have to kind of grow into that a
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  little. Bit there's an experience and a
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  maturity and like all that comes with it.
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  But listen, this is a dream world and this is what we wish.
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  So that is my number one wish because I think, no, I know that
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  that would have improved my relationships with my dogs as an
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  adult. I mean as a kid too, but like my
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  adult relationships with the dogs that I personally owned.
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  For sure, yeah. So that's my first one.
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  What's yours? I was thinking I would tell
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  myself not everyone needs to know all of your opinions.
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  Which is really ironic since we're talking about this on a
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  podcast I need to write. I did.
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  The irony was not lost on me. But yeah, I think I was so
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  opinionated and I wanted everyone to know exactly what I
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  thought all the time about everything.
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  And that's a lot. And I, I do see that from other
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  handlers. And sometimes they're not
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  younger, sometimes they are. And I'm like, you know what?
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  OK, that's your opinion and that's great.
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  But nobody asked you either. And that was me.
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  Nobody asked me. But I was like, oh, let me tell
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  you what I think. And now I'm like, oh, I don't
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  even believe a lot of those things.
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  And but everyone had to hear about them at the time.
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  Oh my gosh, when this weekend when we were at Fast Cat, so I
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  was at the catch end of the track and our other friend was
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  at the start line. So we had different experiences
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  with the people who are around us.
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  And I come walking down for us to kind of meet in the middle
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  and go to the car. And this friend just starts
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  flipping out about this woman who was at the start line, who
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  was telling everyone her opinion, opinions about what
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  they were doing with their dogs. And so our friend is like, who's
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  this bitch think she is? And it was so funny because this
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  she was like this woman over here telling this guy, you need
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  to get your dog under control and you're going to tie your dog
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  out and it's not going to be able to run and it's going to
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  get a slow time and blah, blah, blah.
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  Meanwhile, it's a 2 1/2 year old Doberman who's like ready to go
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  at the drop of a hat every single minute of every single
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  day. We were like dying laughing and
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  she was just telling everybody what she thought about every
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  single thing. She never learned that lesson,
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  Christy, because she was like probably in her 60s.
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  But it just made me think about your little lesson #1.
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  Good. See, so I'm learning.
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  So I know I was opinionated when I was younger.
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  I know I was a lot. But I'm learning.
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  I'm trying to improve. Your number one kind of goes
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  alongside my number 2. OK, what's your #2?
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  My number 2 is pick your battles.
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  I spent so much time over the years, maybe not on purpose, but
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  like getting into conversations with people that were never
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  going to be going, that we're never going to go anywhere.
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  And my intentions were always pure to help people.
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  And I spent a lot of wasted time talking to people who were
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  never, ever going to receive what whatever information I was
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  giving. And over the years I have
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  learned to sort of read the room and be like, well, are these
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  people actually interested in what I have to say in my
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  experience? Or are they just standing there
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  and I'm preaching at them, which is also like a flaw for of mine.
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  And pick your battles and save your breath and only share your
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  knowledge with people who are truly interested in receiving
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  it. So that's my #2.
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  Which it's funny because my number 2 is, is sort of related
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  to that too. Not totally, but mine was.
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  Not everyone is going to share your passions, and that's OK.
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  Oh. Interesting.
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  Yeah, so I was passionate about everything, like everything I
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  put my hands on. I'm like, this is my passion.
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  No, this is my passion and I have the energy to be passionate
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  about all the things. Isn't that the truth?
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  But then I was very annoyed that everyone wasn't also on the same
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  bandwagon as me. Well, this really matters.
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  You should be passionate about it.
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  Why are you not more concerned? Or why are you not more
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  outspoken or why are you not whatever?
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  And you know, everyone has different passions and that's
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  what makes the world go round and and that's OK.
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  Yeah, I like that because it is true.
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  We all have the things that really matter to us and that
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  that generally can't be the same or else the world would stop
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  turning. I mean, we all need people to
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  care about different issues and different things and have
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  different experiences. That is the color of the world.
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  So I, I agree with you, my third one is to kind of related to the
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  first one, but give yourself and others grace and recognize that
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  people's experiences individually really pushes them
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  towards certain avenues. And that there are experiences
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  that you can't even imagine you having that will come your way,
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  that will change who you are and how you perceive things.
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  And that you really need to give yourself and others grace.
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  For example, I was always a person who was taught, raised,
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  and then believed that once you have a dog, it's your dog
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  forever, right? And that you've made this
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  commitment to this animal. And no matter what, come hell or
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  high water, you would live in a cardboard box.
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  How many times have I said that in my 20s I would live in a
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  cardboard box if I had to so I could keep my dogs And my 47
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  year old self or myself in my 40s really does not have that
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  belief system anymore for myself or for others and does not feel
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  that that's even always the right move for the dogs.
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  And so I have learned to give everyone grace about things like
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  that, certainly other things as well, but that's just an example
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  that I can think of that I've really changed my mind about
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  and, and thought probably a. Little bit too.
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  Strict and stringent about that one in my 20s.
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  Yeah. And what's funny is a memory
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  just came up today of that I apparently felt necessary to
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  screenshot from several years ago.
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  Yeah, and it was somebody had had was trying to rehome a dog
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  that they had recently adopted from the shelter because their
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  child was kind of like all over the dog and was not being did
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  not have kind hands and and it was like a toddler or something.
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  And they said this is too much. We would never expect a dog to
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  to handle this. And The Who, the vile things
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  people said to those people about rehoming.
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  And I, I posted on whoever like reposted it.
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  I I said thank goodness they're finding this out before this
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  becomes a bite and the dog has to be put to sleep.
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  Isn't that a great perspective? Glad that they are doing their
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  best to find the dog a home that fits.
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  And they didn't return it to the shelter.
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  They're trying to rehome it themselves.
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  Yeah, yeah. Which not saying they couldn't
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  return it to the shelter, that's not what I mean, but like
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  they're. They're trying to do.
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  Everything that they can, yeah, they're.
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  Trying to keep it out of the shelter system and just do the
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  best they can. Yeah.
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  And so, yeah, going along with that, yeah.
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  Definitely giving yourself and others some grace, yeah.
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  Yeah, yeah. But there was definitely a time
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  when I did not understand why anyone would ever need to rehome
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  a dog. Yeah, sure.
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  What's your #3 your? Views on everything are going to
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  change. Keep kindness at the forefront,
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  whatever you believe. Giving grace.
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  Literally every single view in my 20s that I had has changed in
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  some way as I've grown, as I've experienced more, as I've really
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  tried to consciously be kinder to people and animals and all of
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  it. Yeah, I don't think we can go
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  wrong, even if maybe we find later that, wow, that view was a
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  little messed up or, oh, we did not have all the facts.
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  If we lead with kindness, even if our view changes again, I
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  don't think we're going to be in a bad.
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  Place. Or regret our our previous
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  beliefs. Yeah.
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  Do you think that where you are today, we really are with our
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  belief system about just a lot of things regarding dogs, but
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  overall are very different than we were in our 20s?
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  Like was it an evolution for you or can you think of significant
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  milestones where you met someone or something happened that sort
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  of made you go, Oh my gosh, Because I have a very
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  significant event that I know that in my past that made me
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  completely change so many of my beliefs.
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  So I'm just curious how it is for you.
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  Both. I think it's a combination.
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  It's a slow evolution with significant events happening,
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  for example, meeting you learning about ethical breeding.
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  That's, that was such a paradigm shift and to have the patience
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  to, I don't believe in this at all.
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  I, I think all breeders are bad and there could be no positive
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  breeders. And then having you be patient
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  and be like, well, what about this?
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  And what about this? And then that gives me the, the
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  grace then to go to the next person and say like, Hey, This
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  is why my my belief system changed too.
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  And then little things along the way, like I really went from
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  treat only to to more of a a punishment base, like a
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  balanced, I guess a balance more balanced because I was treat and
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  and punishment both. Using aversives and.
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  Yeah, yeah. And because one, I wasn't
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  achieving what I needed to through positive only and then
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  also hearing all the stories of people who kept trying positive
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  and it wasn't working. Yeah.
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  Yeah, and I was like, oh, OK, this gives me compassion for
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  them. Even though I've swung back to
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  where I'm not using aversives, but it still gives me so much
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  compassion for the people who do use aversive because.
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  It's. Most of the time, I don't think
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  they take it lightly. Yeah, they're living in that
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  world. Gave me a perspective on that.
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  Yeah, yeah. Which allows you to have better
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  conversations with people because you're not closed off.
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  Yeah. You know, you're, you do a very
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  good job of leading with curiosity and being open to
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  like, well, why or why do you do that?
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  Or how is that helping you or what are your thoughts on this?
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  So I think that also lends itself to you having these
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  evolutions. I always think about, I went to
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  Florida to volunteer with the Humane Society to help care for
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  the dogs from a dog fighting bus, the 367.
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  And I met someone there that completely like shook my life.
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  And she was running a nonprofit where they were doing free spay
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  and neuter and free medical care for people.
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  And her perspective on giving people grace and, and why should
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  someone keep a dog when it's not working for the dog and it's not
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  working for the humans and a better home is out there.
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  And who, who are we really doing that for?
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  And why? Why should a homeless person
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  who's giving great care to their dog not be allowed to keep their
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  dog? And why should you know all of
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  these things that were very compassion based dog ownership
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  views. This person held them all.
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  And I had never met a person like her before in my life.
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  And I went on that trip and I met her.
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  I knew about her beforehand, but then met her in person.
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  I probably had a 20 minute conversation with her and it
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  completely changed my life. And I've told her before, you
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  had a significant impact on who I am now.
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  That is a huge, huge moment where a lot of my belief systems
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  were blown up. And I was like, gosh, this is so
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  logical what you're saying. Oh, my goodness.
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  Yeah. So.
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  But I do think that there are other things that have evolved
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  over time for me as well. If I could kind of maybe, if I
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  could maybe give a bonus. Oh I love give a bonus.
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  Because I was thinking of things I would have changed, but what I
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  would tell myself is that the people who you're going to
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  surround yourself, who are positive and kind, are going to
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  make a huge impact in your life. Dive into that.
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  Yeah. Because we we really were lucky
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  to volunteer with people who gave grace, who like kindness,
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  really led. And then when we were
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  volunteering, we we were able to not get wrapped up in that
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  negative spiral that so many other people got wrapped up in
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  and then burned themselves out with.
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  We were able to see kind of the light, you know, the silver
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  whining of situations and give grace and and that gives you a
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  lot of hope when you're working in rescue.
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  That is interesting you say that because since I've been here in
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  Arizona, I've been involved in multiple rescue groups and then
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  also shelter volunteering, which was a group of us were a part of
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  a, a nonprofit as well. As I think about those different
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  groups and kind of those time periods in my life, the positive
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  people that I connected with during those time periods are
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  still in my life today. And it is like we glommed onto
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  each other and we're like, you're like a beacon among these
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  negative people. Who?
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  Don't align with my belief system.
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  Can we be friends? But I mean, going back now, the
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  very first group that I was a part of is was back in 2012
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  starting and two of the people who are in my life today, what
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  is that 14 years later are from that time period.
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  But those two people are, you know, people who really kind of
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  grew and, and evolved with me, but like you said, LED with
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  kindness. And so we did sort of group
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  together and kind of our soul together today.
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  It's true. I, I really love that we sort of
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  all found each other. It's not just about dogs.
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  It's also inherently who we are and, and how we feel about dogs
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  and, and our relationship with our dogs and, and our really
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  core belief systems. Absolutely.
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  Yeah, it's important who you surround yourself with.
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  It is very much so. And and also important to be
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  open. Yeah.
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  Because you might have epiphanies like we have.
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  Yeah, an epiphany could be right around the corner.
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  I love it. Well, can't go back in time, but
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  I still say it's good things to think about.
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  What would you actually tell your younger self?
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  Yeah. And think about maybe to a good
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  little reminder here and there of the things that are important
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  to us. Absolutely.
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  If you've enjoyed this episode, subscribe, rate and share us
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  and engage with us at Sometimes Their Side Eye.
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  Thanks for listening everybody. Talk to you next time.
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  Bye bye.