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How Couples Grow Together · Trauma Free Relationship

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All things change to not change. Is to wither and die.
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Change is built into the order of things.
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Just as an acorn has the potential to grow into a mighty
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oak, we too have the potential to change and.
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Grow. And so it is true with
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relationships as well, who the couple was when they first meet
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is not who they are going to be after.
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They're married, nor after having kids, nor into
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retirement, age change and growth in.
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Couples occurs when both partners are willing to adapt,
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learn and change. Alongside each other couples
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growth is not always smooth, and it's not.
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Always a linear process. In fact, it often.
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Involves periods of conflict, uncertainty and even stagnation.
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However, these challenges. Can also propel couples towards
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growth, providing opportunities for partners to learn from each
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other and to strengthen their relationship.
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Today we're going to talk about three different.
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Ways Couples Grow together Let's get started.
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Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast that
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provides support and guidance to help heal the wounds of
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attachment trauma. Whether you find yourself
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struggling with unresolved issues in the past or have
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experienced trauma in your current relationship, our goal
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is to provide accurate, scientifically informed
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information as well as the tools to help you create a secure
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connection between you and your partner.
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And here's your host, Tom Phillip.
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OK, today we're going to talk about three ways couples grow
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together. These aren't simple bullet
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points, so to speak. These are actually processes.
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That couples go through that create change and so the.
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First one we're going to talk about is staying tuned to one
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another and. When a couple stays attuned to
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one another, it sets the expectation that they're being
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there for one another. Through good through, bad
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through UPS, through downs. Through.
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Whatever emotions the partner is exhibiting at the time, staying
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attuned to your. Partner's Emotions is letting
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them know that there's nothing that you can't.
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Tolerate for them. There's nothing that would push
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you away that would cause them to.
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Reject or withdraw from you, so staying attuned is.
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Vital in a relationship and it is one of the ways that couples
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grow together. Now this particular way of
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growing together. It is slow and it's gradual and
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it's. Powered by repetition.
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So the more couples are attuned to one another, the more.
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That they build up a sense of resilience.
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That they are able to conquer life's challenges together.
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The 2nd way couples grow together is they work through
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intense emotional experiences together.
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So an emotional experience sets the expectation.
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That the couple can work through difficult times and they can get
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through them together and so in the life of.
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A couple. There are times, maybe job
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losses. Death of family members that
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caused Strong. Emotions to emerge in the
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relationship or in one of the partners.
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And when the couple's able to work through those intense
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emotional experiences together, they.
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Really send a signal? To one another that yes, there
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are hard times, but we can cling to each.
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Other during difficulties and we can get through them hand in
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hand. And so this type of change
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working through intense emotional experiences, unlike
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staying attuned. Which is is through slow gradual
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change and repetition, this is change.
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Through the power of intensity, not duration.
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So it's the intense moment. Maybe it's a trauma that's
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beset. The couple, but it's the
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intensity of that that actually. Causes the couple to change.
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And then the 3rd way we're going to discuss today is.
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Repairing ruptures Repairing ruptures teaches the couple how
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to understand their triggers and vulnerabilities and change this.
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Way is powered by couples learning how to repair in order
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to gain a deeper. Understanding of each other and
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a deeper connection so change is powered through coming back
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together. Having a deeper understanding of
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what caused. The rupture in the 1st place and
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being able to integrate that information into the.
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Life of the couple as a whole so that they can then.
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Grow together and adapt together based on that new information.
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So those are the three ways that we're going to talk about today
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that demonstrate how. Couples grow together.
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So let's dig in. Let's talk.
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About the 1st one, staying attuned.
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Staying attuned, as I said, sets the expectation that.
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You are there for your partner. It sets the expectation that
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there's nothing that emotionally they can do that is going to.
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Drive you away that you can tolerate.
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Their full range of emotions and so as I said, this type of
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change is. Powered slowly, gradually and
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through repetition. And by attuning I simply mean
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that when we attune. That we're able to track our
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partners emotions so that we are emotionally available,
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responsive and engaged. To whatever is going on with our
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partner. So attuning to your partner
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feels feels. Attuning to them, not
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necessarily to you. So it's.
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Really a very subjective thing. What might feel attuning to you
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in that moment? May not feel attuning to them,
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but being attuned allows you to make adjustments so that.
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You are showing up for them in the way that they need, not
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necessarily. The way you like.
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Let me give you an example. When I'm angry, the last thing I
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want. Is to be hugged.
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I don't know why I and my wife, bless her heart, she wants to
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hug me. She wants to soothe me in that
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moment, but that is anything but soothing to me.
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So when she wants to give me a hug, it does not calm me down,
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It does not soothe me, It's not comforting.
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What I really need from her is the validation I need.
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The words to say Yes, I understand why you're upset.
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Yes, that would make me angry too.
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That is actually more of a soothing validating calming.
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Attuned approach for me then trying to give me a hug.
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Not true with her. When she's upset, she likes
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hugs. She likes it when I wrap my arms
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around her and I might give her a big old bear hug when I rub
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her back a little bit. That makes her feel.
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More calm, so when we talk about attuning to our.
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Partner I do think it's important for us to keep in mind
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that atonement is often. The way our partner wants to
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receive it and need it in that moment, not necessarily.
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The way we always want to give it, I think.
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Another great example is when your partner has come home and
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had a hard day and they're venting to.
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You about work issues, whatever it might be, and you might.
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Go into problem solving mode and maybe you're even doing this
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from. A place of care and concern?
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You don't. Like it when your partner's
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upset, it makes. You upset as well.
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You want to help them by helping.
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Solve their problem and so. You want launch into an array of
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problem solving suggestions. Only to find that it might
8:10
actually escalate an argument because in that moment your.
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Partner's not needing you to. Solve their problems.
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They're just needing you to validate and empathize.
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With their struggle, with their frustration.
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And so that's another. Example of how we tune to our
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partners and it's based on what they need not.
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Necessarily on what we think they need in the moment.
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So again, and I think this bears repeating over.
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And over and over a tuning is being.
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Able to track your partner's emotions so that you are able to
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be emotionally available, responsive, and engaged to where
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they. Are in the moment.
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I like the way that sounds. Let me say that.
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One more time attuning to your partner is your ability to be
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able to track your partner's emotions so that you are able to
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stay emotionally available, responsive, and engaged to what
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they need in the moment. That's attunement and when?
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That is repeated over and over and over by both partners in the
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relationship. Then what happens is we teach
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each other that hey, we can get through hard things.
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Together we are there for each other.
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And when I. Need my partner.
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I can trust that they're going to show up because they show.
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Up in the little ways they show. Up in my little frustrations
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they show. Up on my little little bursts of
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anger. Sometimes they show up in my
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sadness when I'm when I'm. Sad over something a little and
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because they show. Up over these little emotions, I
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have faith and I. Believe that they're also going
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to show up in the big emotions. As well, to me a tuning is is a
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lot like an instrument now. I play the guitar.
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I like to play jazz guitar and one of the first things I do
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when I sit down to. Play the guitar is I have to
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tune it and I have to tune it because one.
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I have to be able to calibrate that instrument so that it's
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it's. Calibrated to itself and then
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secondly I have. To be able to calibrate it so
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that I'm calibrating it. When I'm playing with others and
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so there's a there's a process there that happens that I have
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to be in tune. In order for one my own
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instrument to sound good, but then I've got to be in tune and
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I've got to be tuned to. Others.
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Other players in in the band, because that way we're all on
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the same page. And we're all playing off the
10:55
same script, so to speak, so being.
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Attuned to your partner is is as much.
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About you trying to understand and regulate your own emotions
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as it is about you. Trying to track your partner's
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emotions, because when that happens, then you have that.
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Ability, just like when we play an instrument with.
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With other players, you've got that ability to be able to be in
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tune because you're fine tuning your own instrument, but then
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you're also collectively tuning things together and so.
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You have the potential to sound amazing together and to.
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Be amazing together when you can sort of a tune your own
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instrument and and be in. Tune with your partner.
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I also think about this from. Even clinical examples, one of
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the things that that happens often times is.
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I've got to be able to be attuned to the.
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Couples that are coming in. And one of the challenges of
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working with couples as I don't just have one person I'm trying
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to attune. To but I've got two people that
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I constantly have to fluctuate back and forth.
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What? What is attuning to this?
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Partner in one moment may be a misattunement.
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To the other partner. So let me give you an example.
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I was. Working with a couple a while
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back and we were working through an affair situation which is
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very common and at the end. They were sad and they were
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upset and they had. Every right to be and the
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partner that had had the. Affair was incredibly regretful.
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Very. Apologetic, but there was just a
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lot of sadness still in the room.
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So they were doing. Everything right, But it was
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just a sad. Moment and sort of towards the
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end of the. Session.
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I was trying to interject some hope for them and I said
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something to the extent that. You know right now this is a
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really difficult time in in your lives and in your relationships
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in particular and and. You've written a story up to
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this point, but this doesn't have to be the end of the story.
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And and the look I. Got especially from the one of
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the partners was sort of. I could just tell immediately
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that that was such an unattuned thing to say in that moment.
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They just needed me to join them in the sadness.
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They didn't need me to try to make it.
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Better or to try to inject a little bit of hope, or to try to
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give them any. Inspiration.
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They just needed me to sit there and when I.
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Recognize that when I got that look from that that partner, I
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immediately. Backtracked, and I said, you
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know what that. Was really not very attuned to
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me. I apologize.
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This is just a sad moment and it's OK to be sad and we can all
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just sit in the sadness. And that was a.
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Way that I was able to fix it. That was a much more attuned
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response for them that they needed in that moment.
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So to recap one of the ways. Couples change is through
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attunement and by. Attunement.
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You're tracking your partner's emotions, And you're.
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Trying to figure out where they are so that you can be
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emotionally available and responsive and engaged to what
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they need in the moment. This also means often times you
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have to be. Attune to your own emotions in
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the moment. Because if you're in a different
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place than they are, then sometimes it can be very.
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Difficult to stay attuned to your partner, so much like being
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able to tune your instrument. Tune your own guitar in this
14:37
particular case in order to then blend with the other musicians,
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which I think this is just a. Great little example.
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You've got to be able to attune to yourself.
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What feelings are coming up for you in that moment that might
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make you misattuned? Are you?
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Seeing your partner sad and it's difficult.
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For you to handle sadness, so you.
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Just want to fix it for your partner.
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You want to make sure that they get out of their sadness because
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it makes you. Feel better?
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If so, then that's a. Likely going to cause a.
15:06
Misattunement between you and your partner, but when the
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couple has the capabilities to attune to each.
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Other through the full range of emotions.
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That are required to get through life together.
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Then it sends a. Very strong signal that you can
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show. Up for each other, for the big
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things that happen, not. Just the little things.
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OK, the 2nd way that. Couples grow together is they
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work through intense emotional experiences together.
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And as I mentioned in the prologue, these intense
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emotional experiences set the expectation that the.
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Couple can work through hard times together and change is
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actually. Powered by intensity, not
15:49
duration. So think.
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About it this way, if you're lighting a fire and you throw.
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A log on the fire. That log is going to burn, but a
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log burns much brighter when you put.
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Another log on the fire, So when you join 2.
16:04
Logs together, it can generate more heat and so it is.
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True, with couples as well. Your bond can actually deepen by
16:13
facing challenges together. By by you can generate more heat
16:18
and more flame and more. Fire when you face those
16:24
challenges together. And so one example I think is
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often times and. I've mentioned this before,
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there might be an affair. In the relationship and I work
16:36
with a lot of affairs and one of the things I can often see is if
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it. Doesn't break the couple
16:44
initially, meaning if one of the.
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Partners. When it's discovered, the
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affairs discovered are done and and there's just no coming back.
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From that for the partners and sometimes they don't know right
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away, sometimes it takes a while.
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Sometimes, sometimes there's. Just hurts that are too big that
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the person can't get. Over it, but there's often
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times. Where the couple is able to get
17:10
past it and they desire to get past it.
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And So what happens is affairs can often.
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Wake the couple up to what was happening in the relationship.
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Prior to the affair. So this is often the case where
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things weren't quite right and and let me take a moment.
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Here I'm not excusing any behaviors.
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That occur I'm not excusing an. Affair.
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I'm not trying to suggest that it's.
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OK, because there were issues in the relationship, the person.
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Chose it. It was wrong period in the
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statement, but once you get past the intense emotional experience
17:52
of it, it can really. Wake up a couple and help them
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understand what was going on in the.
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Life of the relationship. What cycles they were caught up
18:03
in that were dominating the relationship.
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Prior to the affair, so sometimes intense emotional
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experiences. Can sort of be a shot across the
18:12
bow of the relationship, so to speak, and it can pull couples
18:17
and especially individuals. Out of certain mindsets that
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they had in in. This particular example I'm
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thinking about 1:00. Partner really felt like the
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other partner did not care for them at all and.
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What they came to realize after the affair was that they had
18:40
this mindset. And it was wrong.
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And so it woke them up it. Pulled them out of their malaise
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and and often times that can be. A Very challenging time in the.
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Life of the couple, but it can also.
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Be a very fruitful and engaging and reflective and humbling.
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Time for a couple as well, because they can.
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They can now. Look at the relationship through
19:05
a new lens and they can begin to do the work that maybe they
19:09
have. Avoided or put off or didn't
19:12
even see. Prior to an affair, so an
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intense emotional experience can actually be.
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A really great way for a couple to to.
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Learn and grow together and come together and actually even be.
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Stronger than they were before now, often times an intense
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emotional. Experience can involve trauma
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and so. When when I'm working with a
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couple that has had a very intense emotional experience.
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Oftentimes we have to treat the trauma reaction first before we
19:49
can peel back some of the layers that was going on in the
19:51
relationship prior to the experience, to the affair or
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whatever the intense experience was.
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So there's certain ways you have to deal with that, but.
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Trauma. Can be a huge block to being
20:03
able to get through those intense.
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Emotional experiences together. So in no way am I trying to make
20:09
light of what's. Happening for couples in these
20:13
intense emotional moments. It could be the death of a
20:16
parent. As I said, it could be an
20:17
affair. It could be a lot of different
20:20
things that the couple is confronted with and has to deal
20:23
with. That brings up very strong
20:25
emotions with them. And so by learning to work
20:30
through that together, they really learn how to fight those
20:35
challenges side by side, even even if in moments they.
20:40
Don't feel supported by their partner, even if in moments
20:43
standing next. To each other feels like the
20:46
last place they want to be, not giving up that.
20:50
Fight joining those two logs in order to create more heat and
20:55
more. Flame that produces more, more
20:59
resiliency in the face of those challenges.
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Is one of the ways couples absolutely grow together.
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The final and 3rd way that couples grow together is through
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repairing ruptures now, as I said.
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Repairing ruptures teaches the couples how to understand their
21:19
triggers and their vulnerabilities and.
21:22
Changes powered by the couple learning how to repair ruptures
21:28
that happen and gain a deeper understanding of each other and
21:32
gain a deeper connection. And this comes.
21:34
Straight out of the rupture repair cycle which is common for
21:38
all couples to go through so. Essentially the rupture repair
21:42
cycles where the couples in connection.
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Then there's some kind of rupture that happens, a
21:49
misattunement, a strong emotional experience as I
21:54
talked. About the other two ways of
21:56
changing and growing. Or just a simple
22:00
misunderstanding, but that the. Connection is somehow broken and
22:04
then the couple. Has to learn how to come back
22:07
and repair and what I see so often is the.
22:10
Couple struggle with the repair portion of it.
22:13
They they can get connected. They have an.
22:16
Equilibrium where they feel things are OK in the
22:19
relationship. And they can get along and they.
22:22
Know where that equilibrium is and after days.
22:25
Or or hours they can, they can regain.
22:28
That equilibrium. But they never fully come back
22:31
to discuss. The rupture and what happened so
22:35
often? What they?
22:36
Do is they sweep it under the rug and as I said they they can
22:40
go. Back to living their day-to-day
22:42
lives together. They go back to talking,
22:44
coordinating activities, coordinating with the kids,
22:47
whatever it is they need to be doing, but they.
22:50
Never really learn what that rupture was about.
22:53
They never learn the different perspectives and the feelings
22:56
behind it. For each other and so they
22:58
never. Fully really repair that that
23:02
rupture. And so repairing ruptures is
23:05
absolutely crucial for couples to grow and these don't have to
23:09
be as as I said. Big ruptures.
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They don't have to be huge, intense emotional experiences.
23:15
They can be small things, small misatumements, small
23:18
misunderstandings, small little moments.
23:21
Where one person gets triggered and uses a tone, but by being
23:25
able. To come back and repair and talk
23:27
about that. It is vital for the couple to be
23:30
able to gain a deeper understanding of each.
23:33
Other so you know if you think about like a a.
23:37
A vase that gets broken. A vase that might fall and crack
23:41
or get broken, you can put that. Vase back together.
23:45
You can mend the cracks in that vase and you can.
23:48
Repair the cracks. So that that that vase can be
23:52
usable again. It can still.
23:54
Have a purpose, and repairing the ruptures is a lot like that.
23:59
In a relationship. It's repairing the cracks in
24:02
ourselves, repairing the cracks. In our relationship so that we
24:06
can put things back together and in some ways we.
24:10
Are better than new. We're better than new.
24:14
Not because we are unvarnished. There's no scrapes, There's no
24:18
cracks. We are like brand new, but we're
24:21
better than new because we actually can show the.
24:23
Wear and the tear of the use of the vase and the.
24:27
Use of this relationship that we've been through some things
24:31
together. We've lived some lives together.
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We know what it takes to hold this thing together.
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Not because. We are crack free, but rather
24:39
because we have repaired those cracks and we are still whole.
24:44
So I I think about repairing. Ruptures a little bit like that
24:48
I another example might be. Like a gardener that will take
24:53
and graft 2 branches into a single stem that way that they
25:00
add that can actually. Create a stronger bond by
25:03
bridging the gaps between the two.
25:05
So a Gardner often times will take a a stem and.
25:09
Grafted onto another branch so that that then will heal and
25:16
that. Branch will grow bigger than it
25:18
would have without the grafting of that single stem.
25:22
So a couple of different examples there of of why it's
25:26
so. Important to repair ruptures and
25:28
often times. In repairing the ruptures, it's
25:32
the ability to be able to reflect and understand what the
25:37
triggers were, what the meanings behind those.
25:40
Triggers were and. Why?
25:42
Your partner and you responded the way they did.
25:46
Often times when I'm working with couples, just as a way of a
25:49
clinical example here, they will gain.
25:52
New information, they will have a.
25:53
New understanding when we dig down and we.
25:56
Really start to explore what happened.
25:58
What was the? Trigger what were you feeling?
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What did that mean to you? When she used that tone of
26:03
voice, well, it meant she was talking down to me and once
26:05
again, I was a child and and so when you.
26:08
Start to uncover and explore those deeper meanings behind
26:13
the. Triggers and behind the
26:14
feelings. Then you can really clarify the
26:18
difference between the way you. Hear and interpret your partner.
26:21
Versus your partner 's intentions behind what they were
26:25
really saying or meaning. And so that's in part.
26:29
Why those ruptures are and repairing those ruptures are so
26:34
important because it can clarify.
26:37
You can get clarity out of what happened through that
26:41
misattunement or. Through that rupture in the
26:43
relationship and you can instead of staying in the and waiting in
26:49
the negativity over it, you can actually create something
26:53
positive out of it. And so repairing ruptures is the
26:56
third way that couples really learn to grow together.
27:01
And it's absolutely. Vital for the couple to be able
27:05
to sort of understand at a deeper level what happened, what
27:10
the misatunement. Was about in order to continue
27:14
to grow together. And there's there's a
27:16
significant. Amount of research that shows
27:18
that when. Couples learn to repair it's.
27:22
Actually sort of washed out of their body.
27:24
It's washed out of their system and and what I mean by this is.
27:28
Couples that repair often times, then they don't hold on to the
27:32
negativity. Of what the original rupture was
27:35
even about so. Often times I'll have couples
27:38
that have been in treatment for a while and they're doing great
27:40
and they're really changing their cycles and they'll come in
27:43
and they'll say, well, there was.
27:45
There was something that happened this week, but I the
27:47
heck if I know. What it was about And so they.
27:50
Can't even remember. They kind of remember there
27:52
might have been a little disagreement, but you know.
27:54
What? We worked through it.
27:55
We talked about it. We came to an understanding we.
27:58
Found a way to solve the problem and heck I don't.
28:01
Even really remember what it was about anymore.
28:04
And so that's a. Great sign that couples that
28:07
know how to repair ruptures. Don't even recall the negativity
28:12
nor the content of. What What ruptures were about in
28:16
the first place? And that's because as a.
28:18
Couple you guys have learned to be able to repair those so that
28:23
they are just washed out of the system, they're washed out of
28:26
the body and it's not something you hang on.
28:29
To as well. So those are three different
28:33
ways that couples learn to grow together, and one thing you
28:36
might notice. Is this is not sort of a list of
28:41
of of? Skills that couples do to each
28:44
other or with each other to grow together, that this list is
28:48
actually processes. These are things couples go
28:53
through if you've been. Together long enough with your
28:55
partner, you're going to have mis attunements.
28:58
You're. Going to have ruptures and
29:00
you're going to have strong. Emotional experiences together.
29:05
But it's through these three different processes that couples
29:10
can learn to really grow and change together as.
29:14
Individuals, we are constantly evolving and our.
29:17
Relationships must adapt to this growth.
29:21
In order for couples to thrive, they must embrace change and.
29:25
Find ways to foster personal and shared growth.
29:29
Change can be a daunting. Prospect.
29:32
But it's also an opportunity for couples to deepen their
29:35
connection and. Discover new aspects of
29:38
themselves and each other. By embracing change, couples can
29:42
create a relationship. That's dynamic and ever
29:45
evolving. Hey, change is inevitable, but
29:49
it does not have to. Be destructive by embracing
29:52
change and fostering. Personal and shared growth
29:56
couples can create relationships that are strong, resilient and
30:01
enduring. Thank you for listening, and
30:03
we'll talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to
30:07
Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
30:10
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
30:13
Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
30:17
Be sure to look for our next episode on your favorite
30:20
streaming service.