Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / Why Your Mentor Is A Liability Not An Asset
Transcript
- Lucas: I want to talk about a specific failure mode in mentorship that I see way too often, and it has nothing to do with bad chemistry or wasted time. It is what I call the validation trap. When you sit down with a mentor, especially one senior to you, there is an unconscious pressure to perform. You want them to like you. You want them to confirm that you are on the right track. And so, you spend half the meeting explaining why your last decision was smart, or why your project succeeded despite the odds. Luna: Yeah, because if they agree with you, you feel safe. If they challenge you, you have to defend yourself instead of learning. Lucas: Exactly. And that defense mechanism kills the mentorship. The mentor ends up acting less like a coach and more like a judge who is trying to be nice. But here is the twist: the mentor might actually be frustrated by this dynamic, not because they are arrogant, but because they know you are hiding from the very thing that would help you grow. You are treating them like a mirror that only shows you what you want to see. Luna: So you are saying the problem isn't the mentor's expertise, it is the mentee's ego protection? Lucas: Precisely. And this brings us to a concept popularized by executive coach Marshall Goldsmith called feedforward. It is a radical shift from the traditional model of mentoring, which relies heavily on feedback. Feedback looks backward. It judges what you already did. Feedforward looks forward. It offers suggestions for what you could do next, without any judgment attached to your past actions. Luna: That makes sense. Feedback feels like a verdict. Feedforward feels like a suggestion. Lucas: Right. When someone gives you feedback on a presentation you just gave, your brain immediately goes into repair mode. You think about what went wrong, you justify your choices, or you get defensive. It triggers a shame response. With feedforward, the mentor says something like, next time, try pausing for three seconds before answering questions. There is no history to defend against. You just accept the idea and decide if it works for you. Luna: It removes the stakes entirely. So the mentee can actually listen instead of preparing a rebuttal. Lucas: And that is why it is so effective for high performers. High performers are used to being right. They are used to having answers. Asking for feedforward requires them to admit they don't have all the answers yet, which is a humble but necessary step for growth. It shifts the power dynamic from evaluation to collaboration. Luna: But how do you actually ask for that? Most people default to 'what did you think of my work?' That is so ingrained. Lucas: You have to reframe the ask completely. Instead of asking for an opinion on a completed task, you ask for a strategy for a future challenge. For example, you might say, I am facing a difficult conversation with a stakeholder next week. What is one thing you would do differently if you were in my shoes? Notice that you are not asking them to critique your current approach. You are asking for a new tool. Luna: It forces the mentor to be creative rather than critical. They aren't grading you, they are brainstorming with you. Lucas: Exactly. And this protects the relationship. If the mentor gives you a piece of advice that doesn't work, you haven't failed. You just tested a hypothesis. This reduces the anxiety for both parties. The mentor doesn't feel pressured to give perfect advice, and the mentee doesn't feel judged for making mistakes. Luna: I love that. It turns mentorship into a laboratory rather than a courtroom. Lucas: That is a great way to put it. Now, let's look at another angle here. Why does this matter for your long-term career trajectory? Because if you are stuck in feedback loops, you are optimizing for approval, not for impact. Approval is fleeting. Impact is what gets you promoted. Companies promote people who solve problems, not people who explain why their problems were justified. Luna: So feedforward helps you build impact faster because you are iterating on solutions instead of defending past errors. Lucas: Yes. And it accelerates your learning curve. Every time you receive feedback on a mistake, you learn from that mistake. But every time you receive feedforward, you potentially prevent the mistake in the future. It is proactive learning versus reactive learning. Proactive learning is always more efficient. Luna: It also saves the mentor time. They don't have to waste energy managing your defensiveness. Lucas: Absolutely. Mentors are busy. They have their own jobs. If you make them manage your ego, they will eventually disengage. If you make them part of your solution team, they will invest more deeply. It is a simple exchange of value. You offer them a chance to share wisdom without the burden of judgment. Luna: That sounds like a much more sustainable way to build these relationships long term. Lucas: It is. And I want to touch on one more practical aspect. How do you handle the situations where you really do need feedback? Sometimes you made a clear error. You can't ignore that. The key is to separate the timing. Ask for feedforward before the event. Ask for feedback after the event, but only if you frame it as data collection, not judgment. Luna: So you set the expectation upfront. 'I know I messed up this part. Help me understand what I missed so I can fix it for next time.' Lucas: Spot on. You remove the emotional charge by owning the error first. You say, I know this wasn't optimal. Help me understand the gap between my intent and the outcome. That invites collaboration. It says, we are on the same team trying to close the gap. Luna: It shifts the focus from blame to bridge building. Lucas: Exactly. And this mindset shift applies beyond just mentors. It applies to your peers, your managers, even your direct reports. Creating a culture of feedforward within your team can transform how everyone operates. It stops the finger-pointing and starts the problem-solving. Luna: It’s interesting that this seems like a small linguistic change, but it has such a huge psychological impact on the entire dynamic. Lucas: Language shapes reality. When we use words like 'mistake' or 'error,' we trigger shame. When we use words like 'experiment' or 'iteration,' we trigger curiosity. Curiosity is the engine of career growth. Shame is the brake. Luna: So if you want to accelerate your career, you have to kill the shame response in your conversations. Lucas: You have to actively replace it. Start today. Pick one mentor or advisor in your life. Next time you meet, try asking for feedforward on a specific upcoming challenge. See how the conversation flows differently. You might be surprised by how much more honest and helpful the interaction becomes. Luna: I am going to try that with my own network. It feels like a low-risk way to deepen those connections without the pressure of being perfect. Lucas: It is low risk and high reward. You are essentially giving your mentor permission to help you in the most useful way possible. It respects their time and honors their experience. Luna: Before we wrap up, I want to mention that if these conversations have helped you think through your career moves, we appreciate your support. Lucas: Honestly, if today was worth a coffee to you, that is the link — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It keeps the show ad-free and helps us keep digging into these details. Luna: Yeah, it means a lot. And it lets us keep producing episodes like this for free. Lucas: Back to the topic. One final thought on this. The best mentors are not the ones who have all the answers. They are the ones who ask the best questions. By adopting feedforward, you are inviting them to ask better questions, and you are training yourself to listen for answers that actually move you forward. Luna: It turns the mentorship from a performance review into a strategic partnership. Lucas: Exactly. And that is the difference between a mentor who is a liability and one who is an asset. A liability demands validation. An asset provides direction. Luna: So the next time you feel stuck, ask yourself: am I asking for permission to be right, or advice on how to be better? Lucas: That is the question. And the answer determines whether you stay stuck or start moving.