Latest / This Jungian Life Podcast / [SUBSCRIBER BONUS] Should I Marry My First and Only Partner?

Transcript

[SUBSCRIBER BONUS] Should I Marry My First and Only Partner? · This Jungian Life Podcast

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Jung Love, where we answer questions and interpret
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: dreams from our subscriber community. And to all of you
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: that support us, thank you. Thank you very much. Here's
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: a question from one of our subscribers. My fiance and
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I have known each other since we were 17. Neither
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: one of us has really ever dated anyone else. We're
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: both 29 now and due to be married in October.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: I love him and he's my best friend. but I
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: find as our wedding date gets closer, I'm having second thoughts.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: I'm about to commit myself to never being with anyone
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: else ever again. And I can't help wondering what I
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: might be missing. Should I go forward with the marriage
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: despite my worries?
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, you know, this is, uh, it's a huge, um, crossroads,
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: isn't it? To be at. And, uh, I certainly sat
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: with other people in similar circumstances. And it's very, very
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: hard because I think that there is something, frankly, I think,
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: about getting some other experience. You know, I think one
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: of the things that can happen if you've been with
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: some other people and then you're five years into your
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: marriage and you want to pull your hair out and
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: you're like, why did I marry this guy? It can
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: be useful to go, okay, well, there was that guy
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: and that didn't work out. And then there was that
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: guy and that didn't work out. And, oh, okay, maybe
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: that's why I'm with this guy. You know, there can
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: be something about that. But also, at the same time,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: if this is a relationship that has worked well for
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: 12 years and you're 29 years old, you know, let's
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: just face it bravely. There's a possibility you might not
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: find someone as suitable again. I mean, this is... This
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: is a real dilemma, and there is no crystal ball.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: I think it's very normal to have doubts as the
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: wedding day approaches, no matter what the history of the
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: relationship has been. It's a huge commitment, just huge. And
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: even though this person has been with her fiancé for
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: so many years, the archetypal dimensions and reverberations of actual
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: marriage can set this kind of question and doubts off.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: The other thing I think I would offer is I
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: often think about, you know, sort of the romance of marriage,
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: the loving nature, the chemistry, all of that. And I
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: also think about you choosing from a more real-world perspective
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: a life partner, someone with whom you have mutual goals, values, hopes, dreams,
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: someone you really trust, someone you're in a financial partnership with.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: And it would seem that that part of the relationship
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: has worked well. It has longevity.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: All of that sounds, of course, very reasonable. If this
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: person was my analysand, I would invite them to relax
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: and tell me what they are fantasizing about. Because our
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: fantasies are often generated from the same place that the
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: dreams come from. So, for instance, as you are pondering marriage,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: and then you begin to have fantasies of what it
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: might be like with some other person, I would start
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: with really writing that down. What are the fantasies that
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: are running through the back of your mind that are
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: causing you to question this and consider analyzing the fantasy
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: as if it was a dream? Who is this mystery
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: lover that might be so much better than your partner?
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: What might that symbolize? Does it need to be concretized
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: just because it's a fantasy? Maybe it does, but I
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: think the specific fantasy with as much specificity as possible
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: could give us a sense of what the underlying piece is.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: The other thing that I think isn't as clear in
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: the question yet, but I suspect would be in real life,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: is that if you were to introduce this to your fiancé,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: it may cause the relationship to terminate. And so there's
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: a great cost to this experiment with other people. And
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: I think in the real world, we have to weigh
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: the cost-benefit of decisions like that. Are you willing to
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: give up what at the moment seems like a good
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: relationship of 12 years, good enough to want to get married,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: to go exploring in this other realm? Perhaps you do,
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: but that's an important weighty decision to make.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: You know, in this question, I'm not hearing so much
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: that this person wants to go exploring or have other
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: relationships as much as this person is pondering, very understandably,
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: having to forfeit the possibilities. And that is always part
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: of a marriage commitment. I am willing and committing to
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: forfeiting other possibilities. And it doesn't mean other relationships necessarily,
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: but spending a year in some foreign country or, you know,
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: all kinds of other possible life opportunities that could pop
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: up in a couple of years or not. And that
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: is part of the commitment is I am willing to
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: foreclose some of those things in order to commit to
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: the priority of our relationship and have the faith we'll
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: work it out, you know?
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: Deb, I think you're picking up on this theme of
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: the archetype of decision.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: When you... commit yourself to something and move forward in
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: your life, that you have to kind of kill off
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: other possibilities. You have to let the, you have to
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: close these other doors. And that is a very big
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: deal and requires some mourning, by the way. You know,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: in other cultures, there's usually a mourning ritual connected with marriage.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: It looks different in different cultures. We have just the
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: tiniest remnant of it in a bachelor or bachelorette party.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: where you say goodbye to the life you're leaving behind. So,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: of course, I'm curious, though, and I think, Joseph, you
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: really picked up on this well, like, what are, you know,
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: is it just a fantasy that's giving her pause, or
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: are there issues in the relationship? She didn't mention that. But,
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: you know, certainly, if this were someone I knew in
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: my personal life, I'd say, you know, get yourself into
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: a really, with a really good therapist, And have a
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: process and talk about your ambivalences. But to recognize that
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: ambivalence at this stage, and Deb, you made this point,
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: is normal. And that part of moving towards something like
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: a marriage is being willing to let other things go.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: And to give yourself time and room to mourn those things.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: That makes perfect sense. And what it made me think
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: of is the pre-Cana meetings that the Catholic Church offers.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: and it may be other organizations do as well, but
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: there's a tradition in the Catholic Church of couples going
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: to these kind of group psychoeducation groups. And the staff
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: will ask really hard questions. You know, what are you
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: going to do if this comes up? How would you
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: handle this situation? What are your mutual values? And it
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: goes on for, you know, several weeks. These are often
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: questions that newlyweds don't ask or atheists don't. Couples don't
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: ask because they're all caught up in the joy and
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: the excitement about partnering. But to forestall it and be
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: in a situation where you really need to talk about
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: these meticulous, real-life dynamics, that might also help you sort
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: out what's important. Also, to decide if there are some
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: really sticky things, as you had alluded to, Lisa, that
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: have to be looked at more deeply that are shaking
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: your confidence in the process.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe in one Native American culture, the night
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: before the wedding, the elders sit with both the bride
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: and the groom separately and tell them all the bad
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: things about marriage. And then say, do you still want
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: to do it? But it's, you know, it's very similar
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: what you're saying, Joseph, to pre-cana is, okay, let's think
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: this through. It's a real acknowledgement, again, that there is
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: ambivalence in that it's normal. Thank you.