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#081_ STORY INSPIRE: Every Father Needs to Hear This — A Powerful Message About Fatherhood · INSPIRE STORY

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You have a moral obligation as a parent to encourage
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: your child to go out into the world, right? And
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: to be whoever they can be. To be the best
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: they can possibly be. And in doing that, you're encouraging
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: them to pursue the good. You're sacrificing them to the good.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: You're not keeping them for yourself selfishly. You're telling them
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: that they can go out and live their life and
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: live it properly. And that's the parallel to the idea
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: of the sacrifice of Isaac. As far as I can tell.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: You don't want for your son what it is that
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: you want for him. You want for your son what
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: would be best for him and for the world. And
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: you let go... in precise proportion to your desire to
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: have that happen. You know, the psychoanalyst, the great psychoanalyst,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I think this is actually Freud's dictum, but I'm not
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: certain of that. He said, the good mother fails. Which
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: is a brilliant observation, because as a mother, you pull back,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: and you pull back, and you let your child hit
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: him or herself against the world, and you fail to
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  Speaker 1: protect them. But by failing to protect them, you encourage
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: and ennoble them. to the point where you're no longer necessary. Now,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: they may still want to see you, and it would
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: be wonderful if that was the case, but the point
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  Speaker 1: is that you're supposed to remove yourself from the equation
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  Speaker 1: by encouraging your child to be the best possible person
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  Speaker 1: that person can be. And you sacrifice your desires, all
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  Speaker 1: of your desires to that, your personal desires, even your
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: desires for your child in relationship to you. because you
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: want them to move forward into the world as a light, right?
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: As a light on a hill. That's what you want,
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  Speaker 1: if you have any sense. And so you don't get
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: to keep your children at home, because you need them. Now,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I'm talking generally, obviously, and there are circumstances under which
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: families make their own idiosyncratic decisions, and I'm not trying
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  Speaker 1: to damn everyone with a casual gesture, you know, but
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  Speaker 1: the point is still strong, that The good father is
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: precisely someone who is willing to sacrifice his child to
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  Speaker 1: the ultimate good. What kind of relationship do you have
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: with your father? Your real father. It's often ambivalent, right?
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Because there's an element of him that encouraged you, hopefully,
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  Speaker 1: because without the encouragement of your father, man, the world
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  Speaker 1: is a dismal place. It's very difficult to be a
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  Speaker 1: courageous person unless you have your father in body and
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  Speaker 1: spirit behind you. It's very demoralizing. Like it really kills
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: people not to have their mother. They just don't recover
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  Speaker 1: from that. But, and I think people can recover from
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  Speaker 1: a fragmented father. relationship, but it's the next worst thing,
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: you know, because if your father rejects you or doesn't
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  Speaker 1: form a relationship with you, it's as if the spirit
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  Speaker 1: of civilization has left you outside the walls as of
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  Speaker 1: little worth. It's very difficult for people to recover from that.
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  Speaker 1: So the father should be an encouraging force, but can
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  Speaker 1: be a tyrannical and crushing force. And so that's very
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  Speaker 1: that's a very difficult thing to get right, partly because
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  Speaker 1: if you're my son, then I should impose the highest
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  Speaker 1: standards of behavior on you. And I should always be
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  Speaker 1: judging what you're doing. I should be judging it with
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  Speaker 1: the aim of making the best in you come forward.
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  Speaker 1: But getting that balance exactly right is very difficult. And
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  Speaker 1: so it's easy for a father to swing too much
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  Speaker 1: into judgment, let's say. And then, of course, mothers can
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  Speaker 1: play this role too. To swing too far into the
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: domain of judgment and to be too harsh. And to
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  Speaker 1: the degree that the father has... his own pathologies, he's
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: going to do that imperfectly. You know, he might be
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: someone who's the father who devours his son because he's
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  Speaker 1: jealous of the new possibility, the new potential, the struggle
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  Speaker 1: for attention and love from the mother or from the
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  Speaker 1: other children in the family. There's all sorts of things
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  Speaker 1: that can go terribly wrong. The story in Pinocchio, where Geppetto,
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  Speaker 1: Pinocchio wasn't able to go down into the depths to
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  Speaker 1: confront the terrible monster at the bottom of being without
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  Speaker 1: having support from his father, even though his father ended
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  Speaker 1: up trapped inside the whale. If he wouldn't have been
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  Speaker 1: supported to begin with, he wouldn't have been able to
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  Speaker 1: do it. And, you know, I've really seen this and
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  Speaker 1: I've really seen this in people. It's a hell of
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  Speaker 1: a thing not to have the confidence of your father.
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  Speaker 1: It's really, really hard on people. You know, if your
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  Speaker 1: father is someone who says to you, you can do it.
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  Speaker 1: I really believe that you can do it. I'll support
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  Speaker 1: you in what you're doing. I think that you can
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  Speaker 1: sort it out and then acts towards you in that way.
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  Speaker 1: That's a gift that really almost no one else can
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  Speaker 1: provide you with. Mothers obviously provide. I think they provide
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  Speaker 1: the same kind of gift, but earlier, you know, because
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: the mother has to take care of the infant when
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  Speaker 1: the infant is just completely dependent. And so and this
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  Speaker 1: is Erickson's idea to Eric Erickson is the mother is
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  Speaker 1: is the person who establishes the relationship that allows the
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  Speaker 1: developing person to manifest trust, real trust. While you're being
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  Speaker 1: carried for crying out loud, you know, you can be dropped.
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  Speaker 1: And the mother's also the source of food. But the
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  Speaker 1: father seems to be something like the... And I'm being...
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  Speaker 1: I'm obviously parsing these things farther apart than they can
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  Speaker 1: need to be because the father can play a nurturing
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  Speaker 1: role and the mother can play an encouraging role. But
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  Speaker 1: we'll keep it simple for now. The father seems to
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  Speaker 1: be the thing that supports and encourages and says, well, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you know, you're little and small and all of that.
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  Speaker 1: And you're subject to destruction and bullying and social pressure
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  Speaker 1: and all that, but I know you can do it.
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  Speaker 1: I know you can do it. And there's a force
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  Speaker 1: in that that's unbelievable, and people who don't have that
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  Speaker 1: have a hell of a time. Well, my father was
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: hard to please. Very. Did you ever succeed? Yes. But
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  Speaker 1: it wasn't easy. Ever. My father was always willing to
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  Speaker 1: approve of the things I did that were good, although
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  Speaker 1: he was not effusive by any stretch of the imagination,
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  Speaker 1: and the standards were very high. Now, I was probably
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  Speaker 1: fortunate for me, you know, and it does bear on
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  Speaker 1: the question you're asking. It's like, if you want someone
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  Speaker 1: to motivate you optimally, God, it's complicated because there has
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  Speaker 1: to be a temperamental dance between the two people. Like,
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  Speaker 1: what you really want is for someone to apply the
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  Speaker 1: highest possible standards to you that you're capable of reaching. Right?
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  Speaker 1: And that's a, that's a, That's a vicious dance because
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  Speaker 1: you have to have a relationship with your child to
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  Speaker 1: do that properly. You know, because you want to... If
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  Speaker 1: you want to be optimally motivating as a father, you
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  Speaker 1: keep your children on the edge. It's like you might
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  Speaker 1: not reward something in your child that you would think
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  Speaker 1: would be good in someone else because you think they
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  Speaker 1: could do better. And so my father was pretty clear
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: about the idea that he always expected me to do better.
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  Speaker 1: And was that troublesome? It was like... I felt often
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  Speaker 1: when I was young that there was no pleasing him,
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  Speaker 1: but I also knew that that wasn't, I knew that
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  Speaker 1: that wasn't right. See, I actually knew that wasn't right
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  Speaker 1: because I could remember, especially I think when I was
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  Speaker 1: very young, that I did things that he was pleased about.
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  Speaker 1: I knew that was possible. So it wasn't unpredictable and arbitrary.
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  Speaker 1: It was just difficult. Well, that's why you have to
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  Speaker 1: have a relationship With your children, you have to know them.
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  Speaker 1: And well, with yourself too. And with your wife. You
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  Speaker 1: can't hit that optimal. That optimal is probably love. Because
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  Speaker 1: love isn't just acceptance. Love is acceptance and encouragement. Your
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  Speaker 1: role is to take care of your wife while she
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: takes care of the babies. So that means you've got
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  Speaker 1: to watch her because this is going to tire her out.
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  Speaker 1: Like it's a it's a full body experience for a woman. Right.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, first of all, she's pregnant and that's a
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  Speaker 1: hell of a thing, especially in the last month. Then
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  Speaker 1: she has to give birth and, you know, so you've
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  Speaker 1: got to stand in the background and you've got to
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  Speaker 1: watch her and you've got to make sure that she
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  Speaker 1: doesn't get overwhelmed because that's when you need to be
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  Speaker 1: in there. You need to go in and say, look,
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  Speaker 1: you know, you need a rest. You need to have
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  Speaker 1: a nap. You all take care of the baby. I'll watch.
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  Speaker 1: And so everything's going fine and I'll wake you up
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  Speaker 1: if it's necessary. But you got to spell her off.
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  Speaker 1: You know, you think that's how it looks to me
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  Speaker 1: is her primary responsibility is to take care of the baby.
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  Speaker 1: And your primary responsibility is to take care of her.
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  Speaker 1: It's like you're going to have to let your wife
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  Speaker 1: go for six months. But if you're very careful with that,
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  Speaker 1: as I'm sure you will be, and you really take
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: care of her, you know, she'll come back to you.
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  Speaker 1: And then you'll have this other person, a daughter. You'll
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  Speaker 1: never have anybody in your life who loves you as
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  Speaker 1: much as your daughter will. Like if you do that right,
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  Speaker 1: and it'll be the same if you have a son.
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  Speaker 1: And that is a bloody good deal. I'll tell you, man,
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  Speaker 1: I loved hanging around when my kids were little. I
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  Speaker 1: would way rather be with them than anyone else. And
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  Speaker 1: men are pretty good at taking care of children. I
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  Speaker 1: would say they're not as good at taking care of
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  Speaker 1: infants as women are because they don't have the full
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  Speaker 1: range of resources at hand. And they're not... I don't
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  Speaker 1: think they have the same kind of immediate intuitive understanding
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  Speaker 1: of or attraction to babies that men have. I think
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  Speaker 1: that switches around the age of two or two and
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  Speaker 1: a half when the kids can engage in rough and
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  Speaker 1: tumble play. Because men are much more likely to engage
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  Speaker 1: in rough and tumble play with children than women are.
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  Speaker 1: And rough and tumble play seems to be one of
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  Speaker 1: the things that civilizes children. And it's partly because, you know,
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  Speaker 1: one of the things that you have to learn when
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: you're a child is what actually hurts you and what
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  Speaker 1: can be ignored and what actually hurts someone else and
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  Speaker 1: what can be ignored and the best way to learn
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  Speaker 1: that is in rough and tumble play because what happens
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  Speaker 1: is that if you're playing with a kid They get
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  Speaker 1: more and more excited and they do more and more
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  Speaker 1: crazy things until they do something that either hurts them
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  Speaker 1: or hurts you. And then you have to say, look,
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  Speaker 1: you know, you can't do that. And it's like a
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  Speaker 1: dance in a sense, you know, when you're wrestling with
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  Speaker 1: a little kid. And you have to let them win
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  Speaker 1: fairly frequently because otherwise they don't continue the game. And
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  Speaker 1: you can tell that because if the game is going well,
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  Speaker 1: they're laughing with insane delight because kids just love rough
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: and tumble play. And they love crazy things. I mean,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: you can throw them in the air and catch them,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: and they think that's just great. But partly what you're
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: doing is you're extending their body in all sorts of
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  Speaker 1: ways and getting them to learn, in an embodied sense,
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  Speaker 1: where their limits are and where the limits of other
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  Speaker 1: people are. And that's embodied. And children who haven't had that, man,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: they're just so awkward. It's unbelievable. They might have some
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: hypothetical sense of, how to interact with another person, but
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: they don't have an embodied sense of it, and they
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  Speaker 1: can't tell the difference between what hurts them and what doesn't.
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  Speaker 1: You know, because often a young child, if they're startled,
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  Speaker 1: they'll start to cry. And then you can say, well,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: you know, that didn't hurt. And then they'll notice, oh yeah,
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: that didn't hurt, and they'll stop crying. But if they
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  Speaker 1: haven't had their limits tested, they'll cry at anything unexpected,
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  Speaker 1: even if it doesn't hurt. And that's not good, because
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: if you cry... Under all conditions, the probability that you'll
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  Speaker 1: make friends when you're three is like zero. Because another
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: kid will start playing with you and maybe play rough.
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  Speaker 1: And if you burst into tears... you know, several times,
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  Speaker 1: the kid's just going to go somewhere else and find
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  Speaker 1: a different playmate. And for the father, it's like, get
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: your bloody act together. But I'm on your side. It's
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: not because I want to destroy you or demean you
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  Speaker 1: or push you down in the dominance hierarchy, but because
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  Speaker 1: I want the best in you to emerge. And so
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  Speaker 1: you need standards. It's like, what are you doing wasting
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  Speaker 1: your life? There's way more than that to you. Get
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: your act together and bring it out. And that's a
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: message that people really want to hear if they have
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: any sense at all. And generally, they do want to
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  Speaker 1: hear it.