Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Ep. 18 – Principles of Effective Communication

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Ep. 18 – Principles of Effective Communication · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Rise Up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Live Joy Your Way with Comedy Wood.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to step into your power.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I am Comedy Wood, and besides hosting this podcast, I am a certified life coach working with individuals on healing that relationship with themselves so that they can stop outsourcing their self-worth and go on to have healthier relationships with others and find success and happiness in all aspects of their life, whether it be at work or in their personal lives.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: So today I actually wanted to talk about the topic of communication.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I am finding that this is coming up time and time again in sessions with my clients, and that a lot of times when we are struggling with other relationships in our lives, a common theme that seems to be popping up is this concept of, well, how do I communicate that?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Or just the lack of being able to communicate things in an effective way.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I don't think this just happens in our personal lives and in communication necessarily with uh our partner or our children, but it also happens at work.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, whether it be a coworker or even our superiors at work, communication is is a huge issue, and it's really important to learn how to converse with people and to get our our ideas and our needs out to the other person without putting the other person on the defensive.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times we hear about how, you know, especially in session, I'll hear my clients telling me that the person that they're trying to communicate to is seems to always be on the defensive or seems to be coming at them.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: And usually the common denominator there is when conversation includes you statements.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's oftentimes found that as soon as we start communicating with somebody else and we start using those you statements, the other person on the receiving end ends up in a either a defensive mode where they feel like they have to defend their position or what they're thinking, or they feel like they have to justify or argue where they are, what they're thinking.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: And and when we get into that dynamic where we're each trying to defend our position or justify ourselves, the listening stops, you know, because we're so entrenched in trying to prove our point or trying to prove that we're right that we totally miss the boat on what the other person is saying.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not in a position to receive what it is that they're saying.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're not receiving what they're saying, it's very difficult to actually connect with that person and to effectively communicate with them.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: So the f there are there are seven principles that I've noticed of effective communication.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: One, we always need to start with assertiveness, right?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Just being confident in your message to the other person, but also the converse of that is being open to feedback.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're assertive, it doesn't mean that you're just um pushing your idea onto somebody else.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's being confident in your message, but then also exuding that same confidence to be able to receive the feedback from the other person without taking it on as though there's a judgment or a criticism.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: The second really important principle of effective communication is authenticity.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: We have to learn to be honest with what's going on with ourselves at the time that we're communicating.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, this is done with respect, right?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not trying to be honest in a um attacking way, but it's to be authentic to what we're feeling as well as just authentic in the conversation with the other person.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Come to the conversation with that integrity.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, integrity to self and integrity to the fact that you are communicating with this other person so that we're coming with our honest and best.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: We're not necessarily sugarcoating, for instance, and um glossing over what it is that we're trying to say.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: The third really important principle of effective communication is open-mindedness.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's so important to be willing to consider other perspectives to the point of view that's at hand.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: When we come to a conversation and we are closed-minded and we're not willing to see what somebody else may think of a situation, it it makes the conversation and the communication shut down before it really has even begun.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, truthfully speaking, as we look at the world today and we look at what's going on in the out just amongst all of us in general, there's there are definitely instances where people are coming to conversation convinced that their their point of view is absolutely 100% correct and are not willing to be open to somebody else's point of view.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it just completely shuts down the ability to have effective communication.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: If we're going to be able to communicate with one another, we have to be willing to at least listen and hear somebody else's point of view.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that we have to agree with them, but it just means that we have to come to the conversation with the open-mindedness that there are other points of view and being willing to at least listen and possibly see what somebody else is saying.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: The fourth principle of effective communication, therefore, is compassion.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: It is to be able to genuinely relate to others' experiences of what they might be going through or what they're bringing to the table to communicate about.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: If we cannot be compassionate to each other and recognize that other people are having feelings and they're going through things, again, it shuts down the ability to have that effective communication because when we aren't able to show compassion or have compassion for what other people are feeling, um, first of all, the other person can feel that and sense that, and they then might shut down and not be able to communicate.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's interesting because a lot of clients will come to me and say, you know, my spouse says that I am not emotionally connected, or I it's really hard to emotionally connect with me.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And when we really unpack that, a lot of times what happens is that when we come to conversation with the other person in our life and they aren't able to be open-minded or to show us compassion, when we don't feel that our feelings are are okay or or that um it's it's it's valid for us to have our feelings, there are times when we'll shut down and not we'll just we won't we won't engage in communication.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when we don't engage in communication, it's very difficult to connect with our significant other or our spouse or whoever it may be.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's really being able to be compassionate to that other person and empathize with it where they might be coming from.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: The fifth principle of effective communication is curiosity.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: What I mean by that is being interested in what the other person is saying.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it is this it's a practice of somewhat leaving your ego, you know, checking your ego at the door as you enter that conversation and being present in the moment in that conversation.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're trying to effectively communicate, it's not about being in communication with somebody and also checking our phone at the same time.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I have had that happen to me time and time again where I'm talking to somebody and my kids are great at this and they're scrolling on their phone at the same time.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Effective communication is not happening then.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And likewise, I've been the culprit of that too, where somebody's trying to talk to me and I'm doing something at the same time.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Effective communication requires us to be present with the other person and to be very curious about what they're saying.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it it is a process of leaving our own ego at the door and really asking questions about what they're saying, really being present and engaged in the conversation.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: The sixth principle to effective communication is clarity, right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: So it's about communication is not about what you meant to say, but rather what is received.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so what that means is checking in with the other person, checking in with the other person to figure out what it is that they actually heard.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because we may think that we said something and we meant it a certain way, but the person on the other end didn't receive it that way.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know as a parent that happens to me quite a bit.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I will say something to my children, and they will not receive it the way that it was meant.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's slowing down, slowing down in that communication with the other person and checking in and asking inquiring questions like, what did you just hear?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: When I said that, how did you receive that?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And what that does is it's a check-in and it's an and it's and it's the practice of curiosity, but it's making sure that what you meant to say was actually received by the other person.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because if what you meant to say was heard in a different way, again, the communication has shut down, right?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we're trying to effectively communicate with the other person, it's about that dialogue as well as what did you hear?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: How did you receive that?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then the seventh really important principle of effective communication is just truly listening.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Truly listening, providing a space for somebody to share their point of view without necessarily thinking about and being ready with your response, right?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times when we're talking to people, we're already thinking about what is the next thing we want to say.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: So the practice of effective communication really requires us to provide the space for the other person to speak and us to receive without jumping to and thinking about what is the next thing that we want to combat them with or what is the next thing we want to say.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not just giving them space, but it's giving ourselves space, our ourselves space to actually receive what's being said.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I talk about communication all the time.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Communication and boundaries are huge, right?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Especially when we're working on uh ending the outsourcing of self-worth.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Communication and what I refer to as compassionate communication, but it's also been talked about in it, and Marshall Rosenberg taught on this, and he called it nonviolent communication.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: There are four key steps to this concept of nonviolent communication.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really important to learn these steps when we're communicating to ourselves first, so then we can apply it to conversations with other people.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: And the four main steps of nonviolent communication are number one, observe the situation without evaluation or judgment.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just observe what's happening.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: So when something is occurring, you sort of step back as though you're a scientist and you observe what's what's going on.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next thing that you do is you identify the feeling you have.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: When you observe the action or what's happening, ask yourself, what do I feel about this?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: What am I feeling in this moment?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Am I sad?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Am I happy?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Am I joyful?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Am I scared?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Am I feeling anger?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: And from that, we ask ourselves, what do I need?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: What do I need in this moment?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because our needs are connected to our feelings.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then from there, we formulate a request.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And we phrase the request positively.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: We phrase it in a way where we're coming with compassion, we're speaking kindly, we're not coming at the other person with a judgment or an accusation, but really requesting of the other person.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: So what all of this means is when you when you bet when you unpack it, it's it's observing a situation.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: So for instance, um, you know, if somebody if if you're talking to somebody and they're not listening to your on their phone, right?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's it's observing, okay, when that happens, I feel uh lonely or I feel sad.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, from that point, it's recognizing, okay, what do I need?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I really need to feel heard.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: I need to feel that what I'm saying is being received by my partner or by my, you know, child, whoever it may be.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then you go on to make the request of the other person.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: So we could say to the other person, you know, when I'm sharing something of my day and um when I'm sharing something of my day and it it doesn't seem like it's being heard, it makes me feel sad and lonely.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: What I would really re what I really need is to just have this feeling of being heard and having my day um understood by by my by my partner.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: So really what I would request is when we engage in a conversation, could we put our phones down and just really be present with each other?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: So in that in that example, we have now we have now gone through observing when something happens, how we feel about it, what we need, and making a request of the other person and trying to make it about our feelings and not those use statements.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then our partner can actually respond and reciprocate with whether or not they can meet that request.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they will, which is great.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they will have a compromised request, and then we can say to ourselves, does that work for me?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Or sometimes they'll say, I can't meet that request, and then we do a check-in with ourselves and say, Well, is this is this a make it or break it type of thing where if they can't meet this request, I can't continue here, or is it I can live with that?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where that whole concept of nonviolent communication comes into play.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's really checking in with self, checking how we're feeling, what is my need in this moment, and then making a request of our partner.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I truly believe that if we can if we can learn the principles of effective communication and really hone in on this concept of compassionate communication, compassionate communication with ourselves, first and foremost, and then compassionate communication with those in our lives, we open the door.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: We open the door for effective communication and for um movement in the right direction to actually occur.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And again, a lot of relationships suffer from the the falling apart of or the uh breakdown of communication, if you will.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I highly suggest that as you are going through your days, you do those check-ins with yourself, it always comes back to the self, right?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: What do I feel and what do I need?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times, too, when we aren't communicating effectively with other people in our lives, it's because we've also lost a little bit of um our own traction on how it is that we're feeling and what we need.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: With that said, I'm wishing you a wonderful day.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: And if by any, you know, if you ever need any support or would like to just talk about what's going on in your life, by all means feel free to reach out to me.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: You can always book a time to talk to me at www.chatwithcomedy.com, or you can read more on my website about my coaching, or just uh information from my blog at comedywood.com.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, I am Comedy Wood.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Rise Up.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Always remember your uniqueness and the gift that you bring to this world.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Life happens for you, not to you.