Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #636 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#636 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I wish there was a parenting expert out there who
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: had an answer for every single challenge for every single
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: child on any given day.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: I was about to say, if they did, it would
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: mean that all of our kids were cookie cutters.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: That's all we want.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: I really don't know if we should start today's podcasts
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: Missus Happy Families with this story, but let's do it discreetly.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: And I can't believe that so we've forgotten. We're so
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: used to the girls all being at school, or being
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: at work or not living with this anymore that on
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: what day was it, I think it was Tuesday. I
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: was working from home. There were some renovations going onto
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: the building where my office is, and so I was
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: working from home.
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  Speaker 4: I don't call it work.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you'd come home, and so we decided to have
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: some some daytime cuddles. That's discreet, doesn't it. We decided
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: that we're going to have some daytime cuddles because there
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: was nobody home and I was at home and you
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: had some time, and so we were in the process
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: of having those daytime cuddles when we heard a noise
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  Speaker 2: at the door, and all of a sudden, there was
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: a child walking into our bedroom. Fortunately, fortunately we had
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  Speaker 2: we had some blankets. Your twelve daughter doing her second
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  Speaker 2: last exam and it was finished. She'd come home early
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: for lunch per four minutes. She al only came home
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: before a minute, just wanted to pop in and say hi.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: I wanted to surprise us. Surprise. It was quite a surprise,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: wasn't it.
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: I think everyone.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Friday episode of the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: This is where we call we call it I'll do
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  Speaker 2: better Tomorrow. The idea of I'll do but it tomorrow
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  Speaker 2: is we get to talk about the things that we
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: learned this week about parenting, how we can be better parents,
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: the mistakes that we've made. I mean, there's there's an
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: entire episode just in that story, but I don't think
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: we should touch that. I think we just need to
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: let that one go. Now that you've decided that women,
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna say, who would have thought that you needed
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: a lot in the middle of the day.
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: Anyway, Yes, we digress.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So let's let's do this. Do you want to
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: go first on me? You go, okay, really sure? One?
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I think maybe earlier this week, and this happened a
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  Speaker 2: few times lately. I'm just struggling. I don't even know
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  Speaker 2: if I've got an answer for this. Every now and again,
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  Speaker 2: somebody will ask me a parenting question and I look
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: at them and I'll just say, I don't know if
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  Speaker 2: there's an answer. Like, sometimes parenting is just hard. Sometimes
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: you're dealing with a child who is struggling or is obstinate,
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: or like, sometimes you've just got to do the unwanted,
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  Speaker 2: the unwelcome. Is it ideal?
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  Speaker 1: No?
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  Speaker 2: Is it what we're aiming for?
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  Speaker 1: No?
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  Speaker 2: Is there something more aspirational that we could be seeking for? Yes?
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: But some days case in point, doctor Shfai, she was
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: out here a few months ago. I was MC at
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: her event at Brisbane City Hall and at the end
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  Speaker 2: of her event we did a Q and A and
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  Speaker 2: both Shefai and I took questions from the audience and
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  Speaker 2: we answer them. And there were a half of questions
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  Speaker 2: that came through where Shfani would just look at these
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  Speaker 2: people and say, that's kids, that's life. Of course, it's hard.
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  Speaker 2: There isn't an answer. You just have to deal with it.
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  Speaker 2: A couple of times I had answers that she hadn't
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  Speaker 2: thought of, which were helpful, but a few times I
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  Speaker 2: was like, yeah, I've got nothing either, Like that's just
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  Speaker 2: hard work. And this week, a couple of times I've
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  Speaker 2: had to step in and kind of just take control
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  Speaker 2: dress a child who did not want to get dressed,
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  Speaker 2: deal with big emotions that did not want to be
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  Speaker 2: dealt with, and actually separate people and say you go
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  Speaker 2: that way, and you go that way and not do
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  Speaker 2: the stuff Like yesterday. We're having this great conversation right
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  Speaker 2: in our podcast episode yesterday about being gentle and kind
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  Speaker 2: and responsive to kids. And I think that you can
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  Speaker 2: still be partly responsive, but sometimes you've just got to
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  Speaker 2: step in and say, guys, whether you like it or not,
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  Speaker 2: whether you want to do it or not, this is
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  Speaker 2: where we are, this is what's happening, this is what
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  Speaker 2: needs to occur.
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  Speaker 4: But we can still do that with a kind heart.
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  Speaker 3: Of course, still do that with soft eyes.
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  Speaker 4: We can still do that while we're turning towards our children.
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  Speaker 2: Sure, and I will say that I did that, but
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  Speaker 2: it still felt horrible. It was a simple example. One morning,
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  Speaker 2: our daughter didn't want to go to school, and so
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  Speaker 2: I literally we had time pressures galore, and I literally
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  Speaker 2: had to walk her into her bedroom while she was
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  Speaker 2: kicking and screaming, and I had to try to take
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  Speaker 2: a nighty off and pull her school uniform on, and
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  Speaker 2: she didn't want to lift up her arms, and she
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  Speaker 2: was holding her ould bothes tight and all that sort
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  Speaker 2: of stuff. And I was as like, I was properly
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  Speaker 2: gentle with her, and I was as loving as I
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  Speaker 2: could be, but she had to put her uniform on.
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  Speaker 2: We had to get to school, and I feel so
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  Speaker 2: I struggle with it. And this is the idea with
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  Speaker 2: a lildle better tomorrow, right like I don't want to
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  Speaker 2: go there. I don't want it to be like that.
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  Speaker 2: But I don't know. Even as the parenting answert who
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  Speaker 2: writes the books, I know all the right answers, but
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  Speaker 2: none of the right answers worked that morning. Tried working
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: with her, tried doing a little competition, tried listening to her,
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  Speaker 2: tried understanding, tried distracting her, tried giving her in fantasy
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  Speaker 2: what she couldn't have in reality. Tried I mean, I
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  Speaker 2: can go through the list of all the kind, compassionate
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  Speaker 2: ways that I tried, and in the end she was
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  Speaker 2: absolutely digging in her heels and saying, no, I'm not
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  Speaker 2: doing it. So here's the.
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  Speaker 3: Inner struggle, because in spite of everything that we know
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  Speaker 3: and everything that we strive for in our parenting specifically,
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  Speaker 3: there's still this desire for compliance.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's not that it's a desire for compliance like
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  Speaker 2: she actually needed to do the right thing, because there's
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  Speaker 2: a need. There's a handful of things that all rely
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  Speaker 2: on us getting out the door on time, and this
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  Speaker 2: is the case for like ninety five percent of Australian families.
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  Speaker 3: That's right, But that's what I'm saying. So as parents,
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  Speaker 3: regardless of whatever our approach is, at the end of
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  Speaker 3: the day, what we're wanting is our children to comply
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  Speaker 3: so that life can be easy. But life isn't going
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  Speaker 3: to be easy while we have children, right, because they're learning. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: it's like watching a child learn to walk. How long
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  Speaker 3: does it take them to learn to walk? And we
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  Speaker 3: watch them fall over and they hurt themselves. And while
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: the analogy might be a little bit clumsy, we're watching
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  Speaker 3: them learn to regulate and learn to understand where the
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  Speaker 3: boundaries are, and it's more painful than watching them walk
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  Speaker 3: because it's actually happening to us as they as they
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  Speaker 3: navigate that space.
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  Speaker 2: Sure, but the child still has to get out the
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  Speaker 2: door in time, otherwise the whole day falls apart for
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  Speaker 2: the adults who have responsibilities like mortgages and all that
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  Speaker 2: sort of thing. And I think that's really what my
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  Speaker 2: struggle is. As much as she's got to learn bit
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  Speaker 2: by bit, and it's going to take a long time.
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  Speaker 2: I've got this ideal way of doing things, this ideal
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  Speaker 2: in my mind for what's going to preserve her autonomy,
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  Speaker 2: help her feel competent, make sure that she feels close
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  Speaker 2: and warmth in our relationship. And sometimes it just can't
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  Speaker 2: be like that. Sometimes, like the other day, I had
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  Speaker 2: to step in and say, you don't have autonomy in
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  Speaker 2: this As your dad and you're an eight year old,
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  Speaker 2: you don't understand the big picture. This stuff has to happen.
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  Speaker 2: I don't get to give you a choice on this one.
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  Speaker 2: You need to get ready and if you're not going
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  Speaker 2: to get ready, I'm going to get you ready. And
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  Speaker 2: it's feel awful. It was horrible. There was winging and
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  Speaker 2: whining and screaming and crying and I hate you Dad
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  Speaker 2: and all that sort of stuff. And then I want mom.
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  Speaker 2: I want Mum because she knows that you might give
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  Speaker 2: her an extra five minutes. And it's not like she
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  Speaker 2: was doing the wrong thing. Like she's not sitting there
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  Speaker 2: staring at the TV or playing mindless games on a screen.
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  Speaker 2: She's reading and playing with Lego, she's doing she's doing
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  Speaker 2: kid stuff, she's doing good stuff, and it's just a struggle.
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  Speaker 2: So my i'd do better tomorrow is I need to
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  Speaker 2: do better next time. But I'm not quite sure exactly how,
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  Speaker 2: because when I do all of the perfect stuff, all
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  Speaker 2: of the should be okay stuff, all of the reasonably
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  Speaker 2: good stuff, and it's it doesn't work. Sometimes as a parent,
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  Speaker 2: you've just got to pick up the kid and put
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  Speaker 2: them in the car and say we're going time to
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  Speaker 2: leave the park, or it's time to put your uniform on,
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  Speaker 2: or it's time to do that thing. I want you
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  Speaker 2: to have autonomy. I want to be flexible, but not
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  Speaker 2: right now, Sunshine. We've just got to do it. And
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  Speaker 2: it left me feeling horrible, And yet I know that
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  Speaker 2: I did it gently. I know I did it kindly.
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  Speaker 2: I know I was as soft with her as I
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  Speaker 2: could possibly be, but ultimately it's still it's really bugged me.
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  Speaker 2: It's bugged me all week, and I'm sharing it because
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  Speaker 2: it's real. Right, that's pairing, And no matter how many
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  Speaker 2: books you read, no matter how good you are with
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  Speaker 2: your kids, sometimes they just have to do as they're told.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I think that everyone can relate to that experience.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I just I wish there was a parenting expert
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  Speaker 2: out there who had an ass for every single challenge
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  Speaker 2: for every single child on any given.
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  Speaker 3: I was about to say, if they did, it would
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: mean that all of our kids were cookie cutters.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe, and that's not what we want. So what's
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  Speaker 2: your story for older better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 4: Look, I had a.
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: Few that I was thinking about sharing, but this is
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: probably actually a really hard one to share. Earlier in
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  Speaker 3: the week, you were actually away, and two of our
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: children in particular have been really really struggling with their relationship.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: Oh so much.
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: Sharing a room is definitely exacerbating the challenge. But one
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: of our girls in particular was being really really unkind
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: to her sister, to the point where I finally just
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: decided that she was going to find her own way
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: to work, so she is not enough to drive, but
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: she has a bicycle and works about eight kilometers away,
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: and technically she could do it, but she's never done
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: it before and she is not particularly inclined to. But
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  Speaker 3: I just thought, you know what, I'm not going to
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  Speaker 3: let you keep disrupting the family like this. You don't
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: deserve my help, and you can find your own way
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: to work. And I gave her ample time to make
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: it happen well. She was adamant from the moment I
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: suggested that she would find her own way to work,
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: that she was not going and that I would be
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: taking her. And so she spoke quite rudely towards me,
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  Speaker 3: and I kept my calm the entire time, but I
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: just said to her that I, while ever things continued
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: to escalate the way they were between her and her sister,
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: that I wasn't going to be willing to help. And
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: as time progressed, she obviously got more and more distressed
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: and was desperate for me to be more compassionate towards
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: her situation. She's got some significant challenges that we're working
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: through with her at the moment, and things are difficult
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  Speaker 3: for her and it is definitely coming out in you know,
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: kind of significant mood swings and challenges that implicate the
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: relationship with her sister and other family members. But I
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: was just I was so angry at what had transpired
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  Speaker 3: that I think part of me wanted to see her suffer.
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  Speaker 3: I actually wanted her to recognize just how much she
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: was hurting not only herself, but her sister and our
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: family as a whole. And there was nothing in me
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  Speaker 3: in that moment that felt compassionate towards her, nothing in
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  Speaker 3: me that wanted to help.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Her, which kind of when you think about the things
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: that we were talking about yesterday, how do I not
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: add much old suffering? And then you have that moment
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: where you're like you need to suffer? Yeah, and I did.
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  Speaker 3: I really really felt like I just I wanted her
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: to hurt because she was just being awful, was being
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: really really unkind. And anyway, the situation didn't actually resolve
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: itself particularly well. In the end, I told her get dressed,
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: and I drove her to work, but I explained to
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: her that starting next week we were going to be
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: looking at alternatives because it wasn't it's not always convenient
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: for me to be able to get her to and
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: from work. And that Saturday, we have four drivers in
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  Speaker 3: our house, we only had me. Everybody else was gone,
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: and so it was a little bit tricky. But I think,
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: you know, when you talk about I'll do better tomorrow,
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: And like you said, we had that conversation yesterday and
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: I actually wrote those words down as we spoke. You know,
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: this this idea of how can I not add to
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: my child's suffering? And not a proud moment of mine.
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  Speaker 4: It was really there's there haven't been too many times,
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: especially in recent years, where I have felt, you know,
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: those feelings of just wanting them.
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  Speaker 3: To kind of hurt a little bit. And like I said,
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: I didn't, I didn't lose my temper at her. I
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: wasn't I wasn't even angry. I just I just didn't
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: want to help her. I didn't want to show her
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  Speaker 3: compassional kindness because I didn't feel like she deserved it.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: And yet, at the end of the day, it's her
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: suffering that's actually implicating the decisions and the challenges she's making.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: So while ever I step in with an unwillingness to
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: help her, her suffering continues, and her behavior doesn't change,
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  Speaker 3: It actually gets worse.
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  Speaker 2: It's worse.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: So my I Do Better Tomorrow is really really kind
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: of linked into that whole idea of how can I
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: help not hurt? How can I how can I kind
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: of be part of the solution instead of adding to
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  Speaker 3: the pain that already exists. How do I make a
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: difference and enable my child to find a soft place
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  Speaker 3: to land as they try to navigate the challenges that
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: they're experiencing.
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  Speaker 2: It's my favorite question, how do I help rather than hurt? Well,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: the good news is at the weekend, just around the corner,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: we really really appreciate everybody who listens to the Happy
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Families podcast. We hope that it gives you inspiration to
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: be better, especially on a day. I mean, I didn't
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: know you were going to share that story, Kylie, and
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: you probably didn't know that I was going to share
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: this one either, but a day where our take home
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: messages are really we've both had some moments of struggle
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: this week and we want to be better. That's the
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: purpose of the Friday podcast, I'll Do Better Tomorrow. We
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: hope that it's given everyone a little bit of inspo,
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: a little bit of an idea of maybe a little
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: bit of encouragement assurance. It is hard, but it can
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: be done except the times where it can't be and
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: in those cases you just try to be soft. You
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: try to be kind, you try to be gentle. Hopefully
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: that's what you've taken out of it. And now it's
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: the weekend, well it will be soon. We've got one
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: more day and then the weekend. So have a great day,
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: enjoy the weekend. We can't wait to be back with
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: you on Monday, when we're going to be talking about
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: parental burnout. Parental burnout, We had a mum contact us
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: recently in the Happy Families premium membership and she is
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: really struggling. We're going to address her challenge her question
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: on Monday what to do when you're a burnt out parent?
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: And next week as well, should your kids get a job?
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Can't wait to talk about that. And we're also speaking
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: with the AFP, this trained Federal police about the latest
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: sextortion challenges that too many of our kids are facing.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: It's going to be a really big week, great week
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: for the podcast. Please join us then. The Happy Families
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like more
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: information about making your family happy, you find it all
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: on our Facebook page, Doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families or
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: at happy families dot com. Dot A've gonna ban that baby,
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: gonna holder day, gonna grab some therey Lie.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: My motto has always been, when it's right, it's right.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: Why we even fill the middle of a poll? Dot
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: Ben Sky seem like afternute Delight abternute delight
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: H m hm