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Why does it happen? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Communication shutdowns are really common in relationships and they can feel confusing, especially when you're on the receiving end.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: A shutdown is when someone goes quiet, withdraws, or gives one-word answers, or becomes emotionally flat during or after a difficult conversation.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it can look like the other person has switched off or stopped caring, but what's actually happening is usually the opposite.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when someone shuts down, their nervous system has become overwhelmed.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is not always a conscious choice, as for a lot of people is an automatic response, sometimes developed over years in environments where expressing emotion didn't feel safe or was not well received.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for some, staying silent feels safer than risking making things worse.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And for others, shutdown happens because engaging in a conversation starts to feel like a situation that can't get right, and that fear of getting it wrong becomes too much to sit with.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a communication shutdown is rarely about not caring, it's quite often the opposite.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when we start to see it as a signal of overwhelm rather than indifference, it changes how we respond in ourselves and in others.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if you recognise this in yourself, noticing the early physical signs like tension, the urchin withdrawal, helps give you a bit more choice in how you respond before the shutdown fully kicks in.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you see it in someone else, pushing harder for a response when someone has shut down tends to make things worse.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: So reducing the pressure in that moment usually does more than persistence does.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And a practical starting point is agreeing with someone in your life that it's okay to say I need a short break when things start to feel overwhelming, and to come back to the conversation once things have settled.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: That is a communication skill and not avoidance.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if talking in the moment is hard, getting thoughts down in writing beforehand can also make conversations feel more manageable.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if shutdowns are happening a lot, causing real distress or feeling connected to past experiences, it's worth speaking to someone.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: A GP can refer you to talking therapies, and a therapist can help you understand what's driving the pattern, and if it's affecting your relationship, then couples therapy is worth considering as well.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now the app has further resources on communication and difficult relationship dynamics that you might find useful.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you are having thoughts of harming yourself and feeling unsafe, then please seek urgent help now by contacting your local emergency number and requisite helpline.