Latest / Dear Chelsea / When It's Time to Scoot

Transcript

When It's Time to Scoot · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, good morning, Hello, welcome to today's podcast. You guys, Hi, Hi,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: welcome to today's episode. We're counselors, couples counseling, but we're
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: the couple. Yeah, that's what people are needing to do.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Two for one deal with us, right, so you got
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: the yeah, two birds with one stone. I don't know,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: but anyway, you're notice thinking is how many advice series
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: or shows or content? How much advice content there has been?
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Do you have? Did you just throw up in your
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: mouth a little bit? Oh my god, I think I
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: choked on my protein bar. Sweetheart, you have to use
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: liquids to get that down. Hold on, let me take
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: a sip of water. Do you have a favorite advice
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: show that you have watched? I was thinking about this recualy.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, now, we're just one of many that
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: have come therapy on Showtime is Good. They put out
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: a COVID episode. Yeah. I like that show. So they
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: follows real couples going to therapy with this one therapist
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and then she consults with her superior who's ever in
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: charge of her caseload show. She like kind of talks
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: to her cases with her counsel. So it's kind of
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: there's dynamism in it. Also, it's dynamic because there's so
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: many different people, like you end up liking certain couples
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: and disliking other ones, or disliking certain partners, like this
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: one's a fucking asshole, Like she starts ship all the time.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: You know, you know what I used to love? I
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: don't know. Do you remember this? Do you remember sex
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: with Sue? Where couples are you know, a person would
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: call in from a relationship with very specific like sex
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: questions or yeah it was not doctor Sue, doctor Sue.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I just remember being called sex with Sue And that
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: was the first like advice driven content I'd ever seen.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: And I will never forget the very first call I heard.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: A woman called in because her husband wanted her to
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: poke his dick with needles. That that like turned him on.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: And I was probably thirteen, and I can remember waiting
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: for one to go to bed so I could watch
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Sex with Sue and finding it so fascinating, like the
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: dynamics of sex in a relationship because you think of
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: it being one way and you're like, oh, no, people
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: have really fucked up relationships and where ship. I've heard, yeah,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: you hear weird stories to about certain people and what
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: kind of sexual acts they're into, and you're like, what,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I'm not into any funny stuff story. Yeah, the Richard
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Geary what that he shoved a gerbil up his us? Yeah,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: that's like there's a name for it. I don't know
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: what it is. I don't know if there's a name
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: for sticking a jerbil up your ass? I think, so, Nick,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: do you know what I'm talking about? Our our producer
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: and our producer in the booth? I know the story
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not Can you look up what that's called? Funneling?
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Sounds like an overstatement or an understates someone anyone. I
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: would just like to know, because I'm there's a term
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: for everything. I would also like to know the term
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: for someone who looks cute from the side, but it's
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: not cute face on. Well, there's also there should be
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: a phrase for people who look worse when they smile.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Have you ever seen one of those people when they
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: smile You're like, oh, oh, stop that. How terrible is that?
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Because everyone I thought looked better when that great teeth,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: it changes the structure. Doesn't matter what kind of teeth
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: you have, Well, it does sometimes, but I mean it
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Like Tammy. Remember my dog, she had sucked
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: up teeth so when she smiled it was actually really
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: she looked like she was from London. I loved Tammy.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I just I wish that we could get some dogs
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: in the house that act like dogs so hard on you.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: It's so hard on everyone. Actually, none of my friends
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: like my dogs, and they you know, I've always had
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: dogs that are only my dogs. But even these dogs
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: aren't my dogs, they're my bell. They don't so I
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: think that we just need to let a bell take
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: them over. I would like to get I can't rescue
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: golden Retriever a dog that wants to be pet and
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: wants to go on a walk, Like I would love
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: to be able to take your dog after work for
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  Speaker 1: a hike. I don't want one of my own. Your
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: network Jake, he had a dog named Tucker who was
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: very vocal, which I didn't like, but was the sweetest
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: fucking dog. Yeah, well, we had to remove his vocal
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: cords for good reason. We didn't do that. I thought
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I dreamt about doing that. Didn't we have to do
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: something like that with Chunk where we did not remove
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: his vocal cords. But we did something with his oho.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: We penned his larynx because he was dry heaving, poor Shunk,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: trying to get more air. Oh yeah, he couldn't get
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: enough breath, so they had to pin his larynx and
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: then they couldn't he couldn't bark after. That was a
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: nice little byproduct. But this is advice that I had
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: given you because when people have I won't put this
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: on you because I think it's a lot of people.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: When people have a certain amount of money, they want
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: to do whatever they can for their pets. But it
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: can actually have an adverse reaction because then we're doing
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: too much. And so I said, hey, we need to
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: cut it down with what we're trying to do for Chunk.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: Let's just let him live his life. And he died
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: like a week later, poor buddy. Luckily he wouldn't have
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: suffered for very long. But the thought of my dog,
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I'm just such a bad parent is what it comes
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: down to. You love your pets, though, and that's really
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: all we can ask of anyone. I just wish I
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: could care for them, Brandon, I wish I could care
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  Speaker 1: for them. Loving them is one thing, but not having
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: the ability to do anything that they need is another.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: You know, I love them, but I can't. I don't
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  Speaker 1: care for them. Well, you were away for four months
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: with them. We have a different timeline of how long
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: you were gone, but you were gone for a while
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: with the dogs, and you did take care of them. Well,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: I had a dog walker that would come at for
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: and I had to do the bare minimum. Yeah I did.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: I did take care of them. But you know I
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: don't play with them. I don't play play fetch with them.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Those dogs don't play. They don't fetch, you know, Bert,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: You throw it in one direction and Bert walks in
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  Speaker 1: the other direction. I mean, they want nothing to do
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: with playing fetch or any sort of games or any
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: sort of camaraderie. But I do my favorite thing and
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Chunk wouldn't do this. Bert will lie in my lap
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  Speaker 1: like a shape shilter, Like I could pick him up
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: off the ground. He's like fifty pounds. I pick him
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  Speaker 1: up and I can wrap him in whatever contortion I want,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: and he will lie on top of me like that
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: until he comes to. And so that I love because
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Chunk would never have let me like I could put
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: his head under my body over it, and Bert will
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: just let it happen like a contortionist, you know. He
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: just lets me do whatever I want to him. And
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I love to findle that dog. I love meat on dogs.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I love when their meat is covered with fur. And
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: there's all these different pockets. Especially when we cut their
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: hair short with Burton Bernees, you could see different areas
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: of meat that I hadn't seen before, Like under their arms.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: He has a little flap there that I'd like to
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: rub when I'm going to sleep. It's like self soothing
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: for me and for him probably. We have a new
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: dog groomer as well. I mean this is now becoming
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: a dog episode, but we have a new dog groomer.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: And this groom or has shaped them in a way
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  Speaker 1: that I didn't know as possible, made you know what
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: it did, and made me forget about every groomer I've
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: ever had before this. They look like little puffs. He
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: turned them into Teddy. They look like stuft animals. It's
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: like what I would my dream haircut for both of them.
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  Speaker 1: And it's happening right now. Actually there. We just left
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  Speaker 1: the house and they're at the house. They're getting groomed.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: So the services on site. What a day? What a day?
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  Speaker 1: What are we focusing on today's sweetheart? Well, I feel
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  Speaker 1: like there's some good submission to say. These are submissions
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  Speaker 1: that everyone has to deal with. People needing advice on
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: knowing when to leave a friendship or a relationship or
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: a job. Just there's this certain pocket of time that
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: you kind of start to reflect on if you're still
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: in the right position, and so we all go through it. Sweetheart,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: is that Yeah, you've had this with jobs before, you've
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: had it with relationships. My problem is that I have
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: no impulse control, so like, when I think about quitting,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: I've already quit, like and I'm the exact opposite. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you probably overdigest at all. Right, there's nothing that gives me.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: I don't quit anything because I want to find a
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  Speaker 1: way to make it work and for better or for worse.
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  Speaker 1: It's one of those characteristics that I catch myself in
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  Speaker 1: where I'm like, I know I shouldn't be doing this anymore,
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  Speaker 1: but I don't want to give in to leaving. I
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: just think people leave things so easily, not like friendships.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: So you know, we've kind of talked about this. Yeah,
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: that's like an underline under my name is a friendship ender.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I'm a friendship ender. I've ended friendship. Okay, well I've
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: had friendships ended. It works both ways. It's not just
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  Speaker 1: that I m them. People will end them with me
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: because you know of something I say or do or whatever,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: and I end them a lot. So and I also
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: have weirdly very little sentimentality towards people who are no
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: longer in my life. You have zero. That is that
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. This is also something that we joke
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: about because I'm so sentimental and not in like a
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: memento type way, but you're not sentimental at all with
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: people or things. Like we sold my house. I came
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: home from Whistler and into a new house where in
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: a rental, and I haven't missed my house one single day.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I thought about it and I thought, do you missed
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: that street? And I said, nope, I'm so glad to
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  Speaker 1: be done with it. So in a sense it is
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: caused for concern that I have no sentimentality because it
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: feels like I have that gene is missing. But in
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: a sense, I'm always open for a new newness. Like
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: when you were God, I asked if you missed someone,
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: and you go no, and I'm like, but you love
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: this person so much and like you guys have such
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: a good time together. She goes, I know, I just
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: don't think about it. I'm like, what there? I would
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: like we need to someone to assess that aspect of you.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Maybe we'll have Dan call in one day. We can
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: have him talk about it, Dan, who of course is
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: my therapist. I don't know what it is. I don't know,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: but if you, if you have similar I'm sure there's
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: a lot of other people that have the same thing,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: because it can't just be unique to me. So it's
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: got to be a chip for a gene. I have
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: a sneaking suspicion. Then then all these submissions are going
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: to be answered very quickly because it's going to be
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: a leave just go ahead, Yeah, because all about I
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: like taking a big leap of faith, and I like
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: new adventures when everything's on the horizon, when anything's possible,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and sometimes when you're stuck in something nothing's possible. Yeah,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: well this is our opinions are probably going to differ
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: on these times. So the first submission comes from Farah
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: out of Lebanon. She's in her forties. She works in
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: the fashion industry. She writes, Dear Chelsea, Hi Chelsea. The
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: advice I'd like to get is how do you move
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: past friendships that have done your wrong, friendships coming to
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: an end, and unsupportive friends during difficult times? How do
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: you separate the heads from the heart after turn plus?
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Here's a friendship again, something we all go through and
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: this is this is your area. Okay? Well, ten plus
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: years of friendships means that you have been given all
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: of the proof that you need that that person isn't
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: a good friend to you. Right, ten years is long
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: enough to make an assessment. So there you go. You
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: have all of this room right, and you have all
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: of these experiences with that person. It's like what burn
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: A Brown says about the marble jar? Do you do
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: you know what she's said? Like if you you know,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: a friendship or any relationship is like a jar of marbles,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: and every act of kindness, every act of reliability, every
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: act of compassion puts another marble in the marble jar.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: So if that person once screws up, it doesn't matter
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: because there's so many marbles in the marble jar. But
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: if they consistently screw up and they're taking marbles out
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: at a rapid pace, then there maybe never was a
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: marble jar to begin with. And if something doesn't make
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: you feel good over a period of time, then that's
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: all the information you needed. And talking to your friend
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: at this point, I would say after ten years is
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: probably futile. Well, there are so there are multiple layers this,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: so let's start with the first one. How do you
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: move past friendships that have done you wrong? I think
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: it would be based on the consistency of those wrong doings,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: like you know, the the scale, because people make minor
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: mistakes all the time, and you can't just get rid.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: This goes for you can't get rid of friendships over annoyances,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: like you have conversations about what needs to change in
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: that relationship or that dynamic, and then if both people
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: accept those conditions, you can move forward. You've had to
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: have a conversation with one of your friends recently actually
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: about that which one? Which one are you talking about?
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Without saying who it is? Where they're forgotten about you
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: to be more excited about things, And you're like, but
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: that's not how I I suggest it. Yeah, somebody said
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: yeah for added context, So you know, Chelsea had been
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: very politically active um prior to the election, and because
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: we did not have the resolve of the election and
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: we didn't have the Senate seat, there was not a
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: yes like we did that. Like I didn't feel celebratory.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: I felt and they want and yeah, and my friend
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: really wanted to celebrate and was kind of annoyed that
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to celebrate at least that's how I
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: was perceiving it. And I was like, I'm not there yet.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I don't want to celebrate with you, you know, like
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I don't want to celebrate with anybody because we have
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: to wait to see what happens with Georgia and then
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: we can celebrate. So yes, I explained myself and she
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: understood me totally. And she and I have an open
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: communication though, so we can always talk about things like
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: that because she and I have we are so different.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: You know, she's a planner. I'm not a planner. She
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: likes to make plans. I don't like to make plans.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: But she is also and I've said this before, she
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: is the best friend you have, the best friend, the
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: best friend I've ever had in my life. Would do
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: anything for you, would do any and she's just one
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: of these people. She would do anything for anyone within
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: her power. And when that was going on, you had
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: called you like, this is what's going on? Like what
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: do you think? And I basically like, this is one
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: of those moments where you need to appreciate what she's
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: bringing and that she wants you to be excited, that
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: she wants you to feel that and it's the exact
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: opposite of how you feel. But we love that about her.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Oh and I also really hurt her feelings because I
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: said something like hollow enthusiasm and she was really offended
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: by that. She's like, how can you say that hollow enthusiasm?
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Not it's not hollow. This is so exciting that Biden won.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: And so that was not correct of me because I
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: was characterizing what she was saying in a way that
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: was unfair, so that I had to apologize for. So
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: this happens in friendships. So to your point, Fairer from
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Lebanon is that you're going to really need to take
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: this case by case with your friends, as we all do.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Unsupportive friends. There's really for me that is kind of
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: the worst type of friend, someone who can't enjoy your
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: successes with you or or be there when you call
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: upon them. Yeah, now that's no, that's no good for you.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: That's no good for you. And one thing to remember
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: is when you're making decisions like this, when you get
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: like we talked about this all the time, when you
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: get rid of had weight in your life, so to speak,
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: that's not the right term for this, but if you
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: get rid of that in your life, you are opening
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: up yourself to more positive vibrations. Like you are saying
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: no to this, this is no longer acceptable to you,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: and you want to standard level of friendship that is
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: going to operate at this level from now on, and
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: then that's what comes to you. I think that's important
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: to remember that you're not saying goodbye necessarily to a person.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: You're saying goodbye to a version of you that is
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: no longer acceptable. Also right, because you want to be supported,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: You want to be loved, and you want to be supported,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: and you want your friends to have compassion uh for
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: you and what you're going through and that space when
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: when you do that, it opens up opportunities for different people,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: different personalities, different perspectives to come in. And so we
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: talked about this with Chelsea's friends because I'm so particular
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: about who I hang out at her friends because some
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: of them fucking suck or you know, they did for
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: a while, and she did what I called thinning the hurt.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: And now her group of friends she has, like I
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: don't know, ten really great girl friends that are incredible
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: that like, they're all very supportive of each other. They
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: all like want to be there for one another in
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: a very authentic way, and they have a good time together.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: There's no expectation like you can cancel, you can. They're
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: always thinking about who's going to add something to the dynamic,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: not like you know, they want to bring a live
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: wire and occasionally to spice things up. But those interactions
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: are never exhausting exactly, yeah, and they never make you
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: feel less than you want to. When you hang out
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: with your friends, you want to feel great about that,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: otherwise why would they be your friends. You want to
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: leave there feeling confident, fun, secure, and supported. And so
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: you have to only have people in your life that
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: really represent that unless you know somebody in your life
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: that you're talking about is going through a really difficult time.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, ten years sounds like a long time to
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: be going through a difficult time, but it's not impossible.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: And also putting a little distance between you and that
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: friend ing that time, you can still be supportive from
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: a distance if you need to be with that relationship. So,
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: because it sounds like you talking about multiple people in
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: her life or one person, well, she says friendships. And
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: the last part of this, which I think you know
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: is impossible to some degree, is how do you separate
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: your head from your heart? I don't think you really can,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: but you can accept the current state of things. Like,
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: once you have a level of acceptance of where you're at,
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: it makes things easier to process. So don't try and
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: like not feel one of those things. It's okay to
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: not want the friendship and simultaneously miss it. Yes, there
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: you go, right now, let's go out on that. Please.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: Problem solved. Okay, we're gonna take a break, and then
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: we're gonna be right back. In my sexy voice, her
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: next emission comes. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: right from one to the other, but I just really
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: like to get into them. Our next Yeah, our next
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: mission comes from Nova Scotia, Halifax, Nova Scotia. Ryan. He's
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: twenty nine. He writes, Dear Brandon, Chelsea, I dated this thing,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: says Dear Chelsea and Brandon. I mean, it's funny how
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: you switch that around, you know what. I feel so
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: literally when I read these because I'm reading them through
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: the mic and it's italic size, so I'm constant only
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: missing letters or words. So I'm gonna have to figure
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: something out. But Dear Brandon and Chelsea, oh my god,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: he did again. Dear Chelsea and Brandon. I dated this
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: guy a few years ago and it was amazing for
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: a year, and then we both got a little too
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: busy with life and it hit a standstill. Six years later,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: we're best friends and see each other all the time,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: but now we're in a gray area. He wants to
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: start dating someone new, and I'm a little heartbroken. How
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: do we keep our friendship intact and still move on
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: with other relationships when our feelings are involved? Well, this
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: is a good question. Ryan, Hi, Ryan, Hi, guys, what
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: are you doing? Hi? So wait, what's the situation here?
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: It seems like a friendship materialized, right, So that's the problem.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: So it was great a while ago, and then we
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: were both too busy and it kind of put a
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: stand cill, and we just said Okay, let's let's call
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: this what it is. But nothing really changed, and now
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: six years later, we're best friends. But now he wants
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: to start dating somebody new. But are you having sex? No?
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: I mean I can catch a chick forever. So I
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: mean that would be the easy part if there was
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: sex involved. But it's the friendship that the hard part,
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: because now all the stuff that we do together he's
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: an announcer doing with something else, which makes sense, but
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: that's the part that sucks. So you guys dated y
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: segued into a friendship. Yes, Now you've been friends for
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: six years and in that time he's not dated anyone else. No,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: neither neither of us have. Was that in like a
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: tacit understanding between the two of you. I think it
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: was more of like an unspoken like thing that neither
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: one of us were seeing anybody else, because we would
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: have brought it up. And now it's kind of come
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: to the forefront where he's like, I want to start
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: seeing this other person. But for six years, you guys
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: weren't fooling around and you weren't seeing other people. No, Well,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: but what is that? That's a friendship with no benefits,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: with no benefits right, feeling like it's it was. It's
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: a weird situation because we gone along so well, we
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: spent so much time together and the only thing that
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: we weren't doing was fooling around. Well, to me, sounds
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: like it's time for you. First of all, you have
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: to be supportive of your friend trying to find you
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: have to do so that's one. And if you need
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: time to adjust to that, then that's your personal you know,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: choice to take some space and say, okay, let me
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: I want to be supportive of you. I just want
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: to get it in my head. And there is it
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: a specific person he wants to date or is it
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: just kind of oh I see yeah, and do you
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: know the person? Uh? No, okay, okay, Well yeah, you've
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: had it kind of un characteristically unhealthy attachment to each
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: other for six years based on false information, right, because
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: you don't know if he was hooking up. He doesn't
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: know if you were hooking up, did you? Did you
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: guys ever discuss that? No? No, And it's not like
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: I said, it's not the hooking up. But it's not
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: that part. It's the friendship that is going to change
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: because the stuff that you know, we used to do together,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: like hanging out and going to the the beach and all
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: that kind of stuff he's now gonna want to do
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: with his significant other, which makes sense. That's what you
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: want to do with someone you're dating. It's that part
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: that I think that sucks. But you still do that
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: stuff with your friends and you bring your friend in
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: like when you're dating someone. Part of that excitement is
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: to be able to have them meet your friends and
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: do things with your friends. And now you have this
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: like other person to add to the mix. So have
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: you guys talked to Do you have other mutual friends?
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Is it just you too all the time? No, we
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: have other mutual friends that the two of us spend
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: time a lot of time together. Were you under the
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: impression that you were in a relationship with your friend
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: for the past six years? Did you believe that? No? No,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I mean I did kind of always think that, you know,
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: maybe after a while, like maybe we'll you know, rekindle
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: things or things to come up. But okay, I just
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: never did, which is fine, right. I think you're putting
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on his new relationship when there
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: isn't really any proof yet of what's what that's going
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: to look like right, like you're worried and you're projecting
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: all of your worries onto his new relationship. That doesn't
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: mean he's not going to spend time with you anymore.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that he's not going to want to
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: incorporate you into his life with the guy that he's dating,
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: or that he's not gonna want to spend time with you. Yeah,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: he's not just gonna dump you for the boyfriend. You're
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: just assuming that's what's going to happen. Have you talked
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: to him about any of this? Have you vocal id
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: the other one that you thought that maybe something would
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: happen down the road. Have you talked to him about
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: your perspective on the situation and your fears of what
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: is impending if he does start dating someone. It's I mean,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: it's kind of already started. I mean we haven't, like
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: we don't text every day anymore, which like things are
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: starting to change. I just don't want to ruin the
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: friendship that we had. The only way you're going to
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: ruin the friendship that you had is by holding on
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: tightly to him. That is the only way you have
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: to let people go. You have to let people do
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: and explore and do their thing and let what's that
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: stupid saying they say, if you love someone, let it go.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: If they come back, it's yours. So that's how you
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: know that's Christina Aguilera. Oh well that wasn't what I
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: was thinking of. But same, same idea, same idea. If
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: it never comes back, it was never yours to begin with.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: But yeah, you have to practice letting go because you
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: can't hold onto that. Your friendship is only going to
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: stay intact if you let people do what they're gonna do,
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: you know, and if your feelings get hurt, show him
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: a little grace because he clearly cares what you think.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: If he's asking you about dating someone right, he was
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: getting your input. Did that happen? No, you just could
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: have brought it up one day like, oh I'm gonna
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: start seeing this person. Uh. So he knows that you
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: kind of have your feelings about it, So I think, yeah,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: so yeah, you have to do whatever you need to
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: do to take your space to get past that, and
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: it might take you longer than you think, but I
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: think a good practice of exercises to really just be
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: supportive of your friend and of his new relationship and
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: just try and be that kind of person for him,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: because really, at the core of all of this is
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: a friendship, right, and you want that to stay intact
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: more than the sexual relationship. Just because he's dating this
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: guy doesn't mean you won't end up together in six
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: more years. But that's not what you should hang your
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: hat on. The idea of you guys maybe being together
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: at some point. You should just treat it as an
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: adult would treat the situation theoretically, which is, you want
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: to be supportive. You want to help him feel supported
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: by you. You don't want him to tiptoe around you,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: because then you won't be in his life if he
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: has to be scared when he's around you or not
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: hurt your feelings with the new guy. But you have
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: to take the time that you need to feel okay
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: with that relationship. Also because you don't want to sacrifice
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: your own self worth or dignity or whatever you're wrestling
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: with or crush at the expense of his happiness. That's
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: not your responsibility either. Your your responsibilities making yourself be
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: able to deal with this right in a normal, healthy way.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: Also embrace this forced change. This is giving you more
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: time to explore other things for yourself. So although it
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: seems like, oh, the possibilities of what could have been,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: that's not the possibility of what is actually happening right now.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: So take this time. You should go date. It's been
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: six years, Go catch that dick, Go do it right.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: What are you waiting for the world is awaiting. What
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: people do is they cling to these relationships, these friendships,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: these dynamics where there is like some sexual tension, but
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: it's a friendship. Open yourself up to other possibilities, and
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: you were going to realize, like what you thought was
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: there or what you wanted to happen was just a circumstance,
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: was just because that's what you had been investing your
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: energy into. Invest that energy into something else, and you
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: will immediately realize like, oh, that was not as dramatic
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: as intense as I thought that it was. It's just
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: because that's what's in front of you right now. And
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: here's a good saying from Eckartole or somebody. Whatever you
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: resist persists, So you have to accept change. If you
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: resist change, it gets worse and worse and worse and worse.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: So you have to move to a place of acceptance.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: And figure out how you're going to get there. But
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I think that's great advice, is going out and catching
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: a bunch of dicks. Why not because safely? Well safely,
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: because you're you're making him the focal point of your attention,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: and you're the focal point of your attention. You're giving
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: him too much power over your life when you're in
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: charge of your life. So go make things happen for
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: you in your personal life so that he's no longer
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: your focus point. Right, that's great advice, guys. All right, Ryan,
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: it was great to talk to you. I love you, guys,
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: talk to you later. By You don't change your life
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: for man ever, and you don't let someone else control
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: your emotions. This is I'm really big on this with
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: other people. Are like, well this person is doing this
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: and causing me to feel this way. No, no, no,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: you're allowing yourself to feel that way. You are only
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: in control of how you respond in those situations. Yeah,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: and thinking about you know, I had an experience. Are
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: you fingering yourself? No, sweetheart, I'm just trying to butt
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: in the bottom part of my dress because it came
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: up open, and then I have my boobs and we
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: should start doing this naked. We kind of get obsessive
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: about things, right, everyone does, where you kind of obsess
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: over a person or the way you want a situation
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: to play out. And when you realize, like you're not
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: in control of other people's behavior, there's nothing you can
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: do about other people's behavior, So like you could hope
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: and dream all you want. Like I've definitely broken up
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: with boyfriends in the hopes that we would get back
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: together one day. I know that game. But that's a
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: good like a coping mechanism for a fresh breakup, like
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: to be like, Okay, it's okay, you know, maybe if
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: all works out, you know, in a couple of years,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: we'll get back together. It's it's just kind of bull
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: ship that you feed yourself in order to get through it.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I think, do you have any of your excess that now,
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: since so much time is laps, that you could possibly
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: see yourself like, oh, it would be nice like try
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: and date them again or like see where that goes. No, no,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: I don't want to date any of them again. But yeah,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: but I think they're all an option to date again
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: because they all come out of the woodwork. You know.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: That's so true. About X is like, especially for women.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know how it is in the gay world,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: but they always come back an opportune time. Well that's
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: because you're not supposed to be with them, so by
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: the time they come back, you don't care. So when
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: you're you know, you're wishing for revenge or whatever immature feeling,
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: you're like, I can't wait till he sees me with
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: another guy. By the time he does, you don't give
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: a sh it anymore. No, they've aged and you dodged
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: that bullet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I dodged a lot of bullets.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: We should call it the Cuomo bullet. Cuomo bullet. I'm
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: so glad you dodged that one. I would like to
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: see ricochet back into your life. Ricochet is a good
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: word for that, Andrews. And again, we're just we've been
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: riot along Andrea or Andrea just to go with Andrea.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: You know I get this funked up is because your
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Spanish teacher's name is Andrea. Listen, I can't even speak
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: anymore on this podcast, so I can't even correct your
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: grammar because mine is so out of whack. Well, we
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: have Andrea from the UK. She's twenty two. She's a student.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Oh she just popped up on screen, hind. I'm going
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: to read your submission, so you write and dear Chelsea.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: I'm twenty two years old and from Ecuador studying in
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: England and my boyfriend is from Columbia studying in Germany,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: so covering a lot of territory here. We've been together
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: for three years and everything has been fine up until recently.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: I've been wondering if I should be single and just
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: enjoy being by myself, exploring opportunities and living life without
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: relationship responsibilities. I'm gonna say yes, should I be taking
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: advantage of my twenties without a partner. There are no
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: plans of us living together after graduating. I've never met
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: their family and he has never met mine. It just
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: feels like maybe there's no actual future with him. But
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm overthinking it. Should we just
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: keep going? Um? First of all, don't pre ejaculate, Okay,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: don't give advice how way through a letter. We have
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: to get through the whole letter brand and we agreed
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: on that it could have taken a turn. Okay, Hi, Andrea,
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: is it Andrea or Andrea? And Andrea? Well, because she's Yeah,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: because she's a South American. So yeah, it sounds like
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: you're ready to give this guy the boot. Yeah, I
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: I I think so too. Do you feel badly about
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: it or for some reason? I mean, of course, but
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: for him, not for me so much. Yeah. Right, it
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: feels like if you're not growing together and you don't
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: feel like you are, and it only takes one person
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: to not be growing together, then it's time for you
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: to open up your life to more possibilities, right and
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: explore what's Yeah, so you it sounds like you've already
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: made your decision and that you just need a stamp
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: of approval. So you just have to figure out how
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: you're going to tell him, right, Yes, okay, I mean
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: lucky for you, he's in another country, so there's there's
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: no pressure of it being in person or what sort
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: of response you're going to have to deal with with
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: him being there. But I do think that this is
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: something as soon as you make your choice, you're not
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: doing him any services by keeping it going. So now
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: that you know, very very confidently, like I want to
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: be by myself. I want to embrace my a loneness,
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: which is a beautiful feeling, right, you should feel so
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: like bold and that it's freedom. It's like, oh my god,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: the whole world is a possibility. Yeah, it does feel
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: that way. Does feel. I'm excited for you. This is
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: going to be a fun adventure for you. Yeah. And
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: it's so empowering to make a decision like this to
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: know that it's time to excise someone. Well, in the
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: excise sounds a little bit harsh, but to get somebody
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: out of your life, and you know it's out of
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: fairness to him. And I think you have an opportunity
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: here to really handle yourself with grace and dignity, you know,
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: and make yourself proud of yourself. So when you look
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: back at this ten years later, you're like, I handled
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: that exactly the right way. You know, I didn't take
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: advantage of him, I didn't string him along, and be
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: respectful and honest and have integrity in the way that
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: you say goodbye to him, and then you're setting yourself
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: up for even more success in the future. Yeah. I
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: actually agree. You just need to do it soon. That's
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: that's the only thing. That's the only advice that I have. Yeah,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: I think soon, it's better than later. I think to
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: bring him along for longer, it's not fair to him.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: I think you just have to tell him I'm ready
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: to be single, because there's nothing to debate about that
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: statement if you think about it. But if you just
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: keep your first opening statement very simple so that there's
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: no need for clarification about what you're asking for, which
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: is basically to break up. You're not asking, but you're
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: basically telling him you're breaking up. And yeah, make it
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: short and sweet and succinct, and then let him talk.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: And I think that if this were me going through
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: this breakup, I would say that you gave enough reasoning
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: behind it without having to explain yourself. Don't over explain yourself.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: You should you shouldn't have to do that. You vocalize like,
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: I'm just ready to be alone, like I've been thinking
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: about myself and prioritizing myself, and that's all you need
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: to say. And yeah, he may have a rebuttal or
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: he may have a question, and you can't let his
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: response influence you because you've made that decision. And again,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: if in three weeks you're starting to rethink that, that's
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: also okay. But you just need to say in firm
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: and your choice to be alone yeah, I'm kind of
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: afraid of his reaction. That's mostly it. Well, are you
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: afraid because you're afraid that he will be mean in
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: his response, that he'll be overly emotional? I think it's
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: more the emotional board. I don't know if I can
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: handle like me being sad about it too, because I
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: am sad, but also dealing with how to comfort him
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: when I'm ready to also move on. Yes, but that's
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: part of being in a relationship and part of breaking up,
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. You can't be like a
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: cold hearted bitch and be like, Okay, sorry you're feeling bad,
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: but good luck with everything I'm going to date. You
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: do have a certain responsibility to somebody that you've been
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: with for three years. I would argue, Yeah, it's not fun,
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: but this is what you have to go through in life.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: You know. That's called adult ing for a reason, Like
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: we all have to kind of sometimes have really difficult conversations.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: No one wants to break up with anyone, but I
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: think that you can present it that way as well,
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: that now you guys need time to process this separately,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: but you're still there and that you know you'd like
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: to continue a friendship and that communication is not cut off.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: But it's important that, like over a certain amount of
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: time that you reflect on this alone, that you're processing
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: this alone. That's good, write that down. And how long
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: it's healthy for after a breakup to not talk after
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: talking almost every day, Well, I think that's really going
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: to depend on your dynamic. Sadly, I don't know that
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: we're gonna be able to give you a specific date
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: or time. You have to be compassionate that he's going
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: to be going through a difficult time, but I'm sure
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: he's going to come to the point where he's not
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: gonna want to talk to you either for a period
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: of time. But also I would like to say that
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: you're not responsible for his emotions. When you break up
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: with someone, it's like they want to take the last
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: bit that they can from you, and so you need
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: to be supportive of him in the break of Like,
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: we're both going to be going through some emotions with
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: this again, we need to process them separately. But you
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: can send a text like, Hey, just checking in. I'm
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: not looking for a full conversation and just wanted to
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: let you know I was thinking about you. I hope
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: you're doing well, Like those little things mean a lot.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: But again you're setting like a very specific precedent like
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: I'm not here to talk. I just wanted you to know, like,
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: no need to respond to And as a friend, I'm asking,
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: as a friend, somebody who cares about you as a friend,
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: how you're doing checking in you know, that might be
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: a little bit less harsh than saying I'm not looking
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: for a full conversation. Well and say, hey, I'm checking
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: in on you as your friend. You know I care
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: about you, and I you know I still love you
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: or whatever you think, feel comfortable telling him. But yes,
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: so you can be compassionate to a degree. I said earlier,
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: nobody wants to break up with anybody. Nobody wants to
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: have the conversation breaking up with anybody, Like, nobody looks
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: forward to that. So and if you do, then you're fucked.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Like if that's what that if that's what brings you
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: joy in life, then there's a real issue totally. Yeah, No,
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: it's true, nobody looks forward to that conversation now, but
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: you're gonna feel really good about yourself after you have
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: the conversation. Maybe not in that moment, not maybe in
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: that conversation but in the weeks that follow that, you're
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: going to start to feel your power and you know
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: you're doing the right thing. Your decisions already been made.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: We're reinforcing your decision and it's going to be good.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: The future is bright for you and for your future.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: Ex boyfriend. Yes, thank you so much. Let us know
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: how it goes. I will thank you. Okak bye bye bye.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of who your last break up was. Well,
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: you had to break up with somebody Aspen. Remember that
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: guy that I went to Aspen with And I thought
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: I was so excited. I thought I was listening to
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: Actually I've had to do that for oh really BAMF
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: And it's always a ski trip. Sweetheart knows immediately on
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: the ski trip if it's not going to end well,
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: and then she has. And Aspen I met up with
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: an Asppen. I had met him in New York a
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: couple of times, and then we went to ask together.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: I just after one night and I was like, I
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: cannot share a hotel room with this man for three days,
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: Like there's just no fucking way I can do that.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: I've never I haven't done that in years. And you
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: were so excited, and I was so excited. I was like,
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: this is what I why I still have an immature brain,
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: because I believe that every time when I get excited
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: about a guy, that it will be like this guy
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: is different, I'm gonna like him, like, I'm gonna stick
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: with it. And then, of course, within I slept with
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: him one night, he slept in my hotel room, and
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: I was like, you've got to get him out of
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: my room. I don't know what you're gonna do. The
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: way you were acting leading up to this was like
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: when you're in high school and your parents are going
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: out town for three days, like over the weekend, and
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: you can finally have your boyfriend and girlfriend sleepover. That's
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: how you were just like, oh my god, I'm gonna
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: have three days and then my girlfriends because this is why,
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: because A, yeah, my girlfriends were coming. So that was
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: like even better because really, all I want to do
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: is be with my girlfriends. But you know again, why
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: you can become a lesbian. Yeah, but I had already
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: had sex with him in New York, so I knew
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: he was a viable candidate. Because my fear is always
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: like there's gonna be some weird sex thing that I
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: don't like, or I'm not gonna you know, we're not
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: gonna have chemistry in that way. So once I had
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: a successful sex with him, I thought for sure Aspen
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: was a no brainer. But I did not like having
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: a man in my bedroom. I don't like the sense
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: s e C E N T s that comes from
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: men in the morning, not specific to him, specific to men.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: I don't like any funky smells. I want just I
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: want to smell me and Bert. So that was a
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: mistake on my part. I put the cart before the
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: horse a little bit again. So yeah, instead of saying, oh, hey,
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: maybe we were only supposed to spend one night in
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: the hotel room because he was meeting up with his friends. Yes,
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: but you, if I remember correctly, you went in early
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: because it was only supposed to be one night. And
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: then you're like, no, I want to go in dextra
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: day before. Yeah, yeah, that was a mistake. And then
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: and then the BAMF guy, Well that guy was a
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: real I had to tell him that all of his
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: stuff had gone down to the front desk and he
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: could pick up all of his belongings there. He he
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: had just texted me do. The funniest thing about this
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: was I was in Spain working and I was getting
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: the house ready and he had just sent me this
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: a really nice text message about like, hey, I see
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: all you do for her. I'm really excited to see
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: where the relationship goes with her, and you know, thanks
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: for everything. Yes, yes he did. He must have been high.
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: I'm sure sure it was, but it was nice. I'm like, oh,
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: this must be going well. And you had seen him
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: multiple times and the next thing I know, you're texting me, Hey,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: I need you to do something. I need you to
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: break up with this guy for me. I can't do it,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: like I don't want to see him again. Just tell
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: him all of his stuff downstairs. So I have to
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: reply to his text message speaking so like, you know,
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: nicely about you, And then I'm like, hey, uh, just
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: gotta let you know everything. I don't have contexts, but
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: I guess your stuff is at the front desk, and
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: so should I go up? And I go I don't
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: think so, no, no, no, I think you should just
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: get it, and he was Yeah, that was justified on
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: my behalf because he had some serious mental issues and
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: I have some serious mental issues. So it sounds like
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: we were We all have mental issues, as we're seeing
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: in these submissions and as we've talked about with ourselves.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: The next one comes from Jen Jen Lopez. Jennifer, is
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: it Jennifer? Oh? This must be about Ben probably is
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: If this is all these are all your dreams coming true? Oh? No,
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: you don't like them together? Right? No? I love them together? Okay? Yeah? Yeah?
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: And can I just say something about a Rod please?
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: Can we cancel him? I mean, he is such a
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: fucking asshole. I mean everybody he's dated he has cheated on,
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: and he's notorious for it. And he's not fucking cute.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: He's not sexy or cute at all at all. And
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: and he's tortures women. You know, why is he out there?
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: He doesn't play baseball anymore. What's his value? Hillo? Hi, Jen? Hi?
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: Who are you? We haven't read your submission yet, but
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: since you're here, why don't you just give us give
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: us the update live in action? Yeah? Absolutely so, I
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: guess right now, I'm dealing with this entire situation where
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: I was laid off from my job last year due
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: to COVID. Sorry about that. Started helping out in the
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: family business which my parents have owned a restaurant for
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: fifteen years and it's been operated by my mom and
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: my dad. I started helping out, I became involved. Now
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: I'm in a place where I'm no longer happy being there.
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: I'm having to deal with their constant arguments and I'm
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: just not happy, and it's staying in told of my
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: mental health and pretty much I'm just not happy there.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: So now I'm just debating on whether I'm making the
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: right decision to leave the family business, knowing that leaving
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: them means that, you know, they won't have that extra
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: help that they need. And I'm kind of debating, like
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: on what I should do. Should I leave or should
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: I stay? And you know where, I'm not happy, and
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: I'm most of all them pretty much jeopardized and my happiness. Yeah,
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: it sounds like it. It sounds like you are jeopardizing
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: your happiness. First of all, can they find someone to
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: replace you? They can, But I think right now they're
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: just become so used to me being there where I've
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: gone to job interviews and I've applied to great jobs
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: and I've got offerings. But as I'm getting ready for
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: all of these exciting things in the back of my head,
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm worried that they're not going to be able
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: to do things, and I'm going to receive a phone
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: call that, hey, this is not working. Can you come
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: fix that? Can you do this? Can you do that?
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: So that's my biggest word. So I don't know what
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: I should do. Well, it sounds like you need some
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: serious boundaries and you need to get away from your
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: family dynamic because the way to keep a family intact
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: is to not jeopardize the dynamic, right, And by working
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: with them together, you're becoming interdependent and then so you're
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: affecting the dynamic and adlatarious way, right. You only want
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: to enhance that dynamics. So by leaving and not working
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: with your parents, you will enhance your dynamic with them.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: It may not feel that way right away, and you
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: probably will get a bunch of those calls saying this
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: person isn't working, but there will be somebody who does
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: work for them that will take over the responsibilities that
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: you're feeling burdened with. Because right now, what I see
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: on your face is you feel burdened, yes, And I
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm thinking, I'm like, am I going to
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: be a bad daughter. I know I shouldn't have to
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: worry about what other people think about look at your daughter.
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: She's leaving you and leaving you behind, and I know
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't worry about that, but I'm still part of
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: me still cares. You know. I don't want them to
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: think or anybody to think that I just gave up
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: on them. No, and I don't think that they will.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: If you put this in the right way, you can
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: explain to them that your relationship with them is so
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: important to you that it's important for you to move
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: on work wise in order to salvage that relationship. You
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: don't want to harm your relationship with your parents, and
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: you feel like working for them is, you know, muddying
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: the lines. There's really nice ways to put that. And
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: nobody thinks you don't care about your parents. You're not
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: responsible for your parents business, Like that's just not the
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: way it is. And you've put in your time right,
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: you've helped them. So this is kind of like if
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: you look at it, like this was always a bridge
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: for me. This was always just kind of during COVID,
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: during the pandemic, like we have to all get on
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: with our lives and if we want our relationship to thrive.
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: It's not going to be working together, right, just making
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: sure I'm making the right decision to go back to
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: my normal life. At the same time, I'm just not happy. Yeah,
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: well that's more important. That's your number one issue is
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: your happiness, right. You have to make yourself happy. And
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: the way that to be a great daughter is also
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: to have your own life. You know, have a job
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: where you're meeting new people, you're meeting new friends, you're
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: hanging out in different environment, You're stimulated, you're learning something new,
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: and acclimating to a new surrounding of people is going
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: to be helpful in your relationship with your parents, and
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: you're gonna have more to come together on if you
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: don't work together. Also, which is a good point to
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: possibly bring up to them. What are your parents like?
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: Are they going to receive this news? Well? Are they so? Really? Funny?
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Quick story in early two thousand's, my dad actually worked
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: with you in chaia Venice, and I have a lot
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: of old polaroid photos of you and my dad when
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: they used to bar tend together in chaia Venice. Who
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: is your dad? His name was head out of though
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: he used to call him tattoo. So, oh my god,
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: Tattoo was your father? Yes, so well, um, my dad
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: would always tell me these stories about how you were.
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: One day you would remind him that you were going
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: to be famous. You're gonna be famous, and you were
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: going to get out of Chaia and you were going
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: to be famous. And so my dad has kept this
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: entire just box of photos. So that's my dad. And
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: he's a very personal person. And he started his own
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: business with my mom. What kind of business is it.
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: It's a restaurant. So they were definitely impacted with COVID
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: and we almost last my dad last year due to COVID,
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: which put me in the position that I had to
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: take on the family business. So that itself was already
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: a lot for me. So but my mom is really understanding,
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: it is very supportive, but I still feel that guilt
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: of leaving the family. Yeah, well that's your stuff that
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: you're going to have to figure out. You're gonna feel
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: better about that once you're in a new environment and
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: if you come First of all, Tattoo was sucking awesome.
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: Your dad was so much fun. We used to have
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: so much fun working together because he and I had
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: such a great little chemistry. He was a bus boy
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: at Shy of Ennis and I was like a cocktail
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: waitress or. We were always at the bar, so that's
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: probably why it seemed like we were. One of us
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: was bar attending, but we would drink all the time
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: while we were working. And I remember running into him
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: years later, and he just had the best energy, you know,
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: your dad has just like I can see you in
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: him because he had He's just funny and like, you know,
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: a practical joker, you know, would come in and like
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: put a piece of food in between my bill fold,
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: Like I would love to eat these little goat cheese
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: things that the chefs would make, but you couldn't really
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: order them as a server. You would have to just
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: kind of steal him if somebody didn't eat them, these
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: little fried goat cheese. And he would always put a
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: little fried goat cheese in my bill fold, and he'd
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: be like, there's a present for you in your bill
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: So make sure you tell him that, please. I'm gonna
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: tell him tell him to call me. I still have
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: the same cell phone number, by the way, he has
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: the number, but he does. He has these amazing stories
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: about you. Okay, well, what's the restaurant called, so we
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: can swing by and bring it some business. Uh, It's
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: called Lolo's All in the city of Inglewood, where located
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: less than a mile away from the new Sofi Stadium.
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: You've been there for fifteen years and he is there
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: every day. Okay, nnan, we'll go there one day after
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: our podcast recording. I want to give her my advice
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: as an assistant and how you should handle this from
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: a business perspective. Okay, so do your family obviously, like
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: the intermixing business and personal is always going to be complicated,
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: but I think that there's something you can do to
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: get yourself out of that position. But set your parents up.
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: And what I would do and what her previous assistant
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: did for me, is when that time has come, you
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: know it, you're gonna have to pull the trigger. So
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: you need to find two replacements. You need to find
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: two people who could seamlessly take over what you've been doing.
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: It's good to have two options. Then your parents feel
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: like they're involved in the decision making process. But this
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: also safeguards you because then if they choose someone and
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: they suck, you can remind them that you chose that person.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: I just present to do the two options. So in
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: doing that, you're showing them like, hey, I want to
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: set you guys up, but I also have to get
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: out of here. Like here or two people I really
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: believe are going to be able to enhance, like do
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: more than what I've been able to do, because they
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: have more bandwidth to invest in this, like in the business.
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: In this role, you have to remove the personal aspect
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: for yourself and imagine this is a job that you
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: have to leave, but you want your family, you want
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: this business to succeed. So before you have that like
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: finishing conversation with them, you should already have these two
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: people in your back pocket, like I've already done this.
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: They're ready to meet you. We can interview them together
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: so you feel comfortable, and then it feels like more
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: of an inclusion, more of a hands on transference of power. Right,
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: I mean hopefully that's the plan, and I definitely will
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: take that advice. Yeah, I think you're struggling with the
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: guilt component. You feel burdened, and then that's normal. I
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: mean your love, your parents. Of course, you know you
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: you feel a little bit guilty, but like just because
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: you feel guilty about something doesn't mean it doesn't have
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: to happen, obviously, and the guilt is okay to feel,
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: but you have to do something about it. So that's
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: why setting them up by bringing other people in that
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: Once you know that, hey, I've done what I can
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: do to support you guys in this and to help
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: alleviate the pressure of me leaving. If it still doesn't
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: work out, you can no longer feel guilty because you've
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: done what you can for them. But you still have
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: to live your life and you have to operate in
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: a way that you are going to be happy, and
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: really that's all they want. So there may be a temporary,
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: you know, the battle of power or wills in that situation,
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: but inevitably they want you to be happy. I think
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: so too. It's just a matter of me getting over
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: the guilt and you know, making sure that I am
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: making the right decision, because at the end of the day,
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: I don't want to feel like I'm the bad daughter,
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: because I don't think i am, and I'm very proud
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: of what I've done. But I don't know what you
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: probably your parents probably don't feel any of the things
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: that you think that they feel. Anyway, you know they're
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: not going to guilt you, and they actually want you
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: to leave. They're just like, can your dad tattoo? Because
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: he would always go to plane the plane like from
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: Fantasy Island. He's short and he's got this compact body
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: and he oh my god, he would do it all
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: the time for me. Any time I was having a
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: bad shift, he got the plane to plane. I loved
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: his body. Yeah, anyway, it's a small world. We're going
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: to swing by there for lunch one day, so let
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: him know we're on our way. Yes, he is very excited,
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: is he? There are certain days so we know she
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: said every day? Every day? Every day okay, but definitely
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: Saturday in a Sunday okay, oh great, we can go
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: and then we can go rollerblade. Perfect. Perfect. I'd love
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: to blade too. Is it in an alsa gundo? Now
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: where did you say? Yeah? We can rollerblade to the
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: forum and then back perfect? Irving opened it up? All right,
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: thank you so much? Okay, Yeah, so nice to meet you, Jen,
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: Bye bye. God. Those were the days when I used
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: to get fired from working in restaurants. I love hearing
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: about all the places that you worked. We I love
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: running into all the bus boys that I worked with,
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: because they that's who I hung out with. Like we
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: had the most fun because everybody else was always so
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: stuck up, you know, Like I'd go in the back
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: and we'd smoke weed together and we'd have fun, and
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: you know, so many good memories from working at Roasty
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: and Chaia Venice Chaia I was. I was actually fired
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: from every restaurant that I've ever worked at, but Chaia.
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: When I got fired from that restaurant, I became one
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: of the best customers. We should do We should start
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: a Chelsea Handler bus tour where you just take people
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: like you do with me when I'm in the car
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: and you point out places like, oh, I fun this guy, like,
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: oh this is the apartment where this or that happened.
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: I used to an apartment that I had. You think,
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: remember you brought up this house that I had seen
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: that we were like that I didn't remember I had seen,
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: and then tried to make an offer on it. Well.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: I once went to a guy's house after Halloween. We
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: were walking up. We all went to a party, me
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: and my friends. I was in my twenties living in
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: Santa Monica. Dress dressing up. Yeah, that's a great question.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: Oh yes, I did. Was one time I was dressed
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: like an Eminem. I think I wrote about this in
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: one of my books. And I walked into this apartment
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: and as I was walking in, I was like, this
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: looks so from earlier. But every apartment in Santa Monica
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: kind of like is like that Three's Company vine, you know,
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: it's all the same. So I was like, this looks familiar.
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: And then the guy went and brought like a hashish
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: pipe out and a Hashish bar, and I went, I've
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: been here before. And I looked at him, I go
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: I and he's like, oh yeah. And I had slept
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: with the guy whose house we were at and was
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: in the same apartment while he was hooking up with
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: one of my friends. And I was like, this is
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: a all time low. And I was wearing an eminem costume.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's the high point of it. Well
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: that's when I left and I had to walk through
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: the Walk of Shame basically without having sex in an
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: Eminem costume down Montana Avenue, and that maybe this Halloween,
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: maybe we can make it into a movie. Sweetheart, I'd
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: love to. Okay, we're going to take a break right now.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: Don't worry, We'll be right back. I know you like
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: the quick one off, so I thought I could get
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: your opinion on this one. We had right in that
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: said should I leave my husband because I'm gay? Well,
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: sounds like it sounds like that's that's the time to go.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: Towns like it's time to pivot? Is that? Is that it?
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: That's it? Do we have a letter? What we do?
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, So the writer says, Dear Chelsea,
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: I'm thirty two years old. I've been with my husband
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: for twelve years and married ten. We have two sweet
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: boys together, who are nine and four. Looking back, I
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: remember in preschool I had a crush on a girl.
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: I experimented with girls when I was drunk or at
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: parties and enjoyed it, but was so conditioned that it
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: was wrong. I kind of avoided it. Also, before I
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: met my husband, I hooked up with a married couple
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: for about six months. After two years together, I realized
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: after two years together, I realized how much happier I
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: was when he wasn't around, and planned on breaking up
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: with him when I got back from vacation. Well, when
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: I got back, I missed my period and found out
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: I was pregnant. So what do you do in the South.
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: You get married. He is a great husband and father.
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: He provides for us, clean's house, cares for and loves
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: our boys so much. I'm just not in love with
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: him or attracted him anymore, or it would break his
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: heart and my boys if I left him. But it
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: can't be my authentic self with him. What is the
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: right thing to do and how should I do it? Oh,
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: that's just so hard. Of course you have to leave him.
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: You're not attracted to him, you're not in love with him.
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: You're not doing your children any favors. Every every person
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: I know who stayed together for the sake of their
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: children regrets it everyone because you're not doing your children
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: any favored. For them to see their parents in an
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: unhealthy relationship, that's what's being modeled. It doesn't matter if
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: you guys think you're putting on a good show. Kids know,
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: and they have a sixth sense of this, and so
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: they know when they're being lied to, and they know
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: when you're not happy and you're and you're faking something
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: that's just your energy, and that's not something that you
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: can pretend isn't happening. You not being attracted to their
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: father is something that they will be able to feel
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: you're not being in love with them, same thing. So
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: I think it's really important a mostly for yourself to
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: be honest, live an honest life, and for your children.
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: But if you can't do it just because of yourself
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: and that you deserve this kind of happiness and freedom
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: from the marriage that you're in right now, then do
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: it for your kids because they deserve to see their
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: mother living her like full life and that means being
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: with a woman. So they're going to have to accept that,
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: and it's a hard road, but like you only have
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: one way to go, there's no real other choice here.
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: You want to live an honest, full life for everybody
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: that you love, including your husband. It's not fair to
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: him to be there with him and to continue what
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: was a lie. And I think maybe the way to
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: soften the blow by telling him is not to include
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: the stuff of you got pregnant and you married him,
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: you know, because of that, that's just that makes that's
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: going to make him question everything. So when you think
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: about how to tell people news that's going to hurt
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: them or upset them, it's important to think about what
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: you're going to say and how you're going to say it,
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: and it's not necessary to say, oh, like I you know,
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: I wasn't ever in love with you. You know you were.
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: You could say you were, and that you've always had
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: these feelings towards women, but you thought if you got married,
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: you know, things would be different, and that you loved
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: him so much and he's such a great father and
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: such a great husband. But now you can't deny your
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: feelings for women, and they're becoming more prominent. It's something
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: that you can't get away from, and you gotta go
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: for it. This is important for you, This is important
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: for your family. Brandon, Well, it's been a while since
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: I dated a woman, but I do. What was that? Like,
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: who did you date? Oh? I dated girls growing up?
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: I for me, it wasn't like the sexual aspect. It
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: was always emotional for me that I just did not
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: have as deep of an emotional connection with women as
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: I did with men. So I do to some degree
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: saying you didn't have as deep of an emotional connection
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: with women as you did with men. Right, Like the
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: sex part was fine, Like that was not the issue.
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: The issue was after that, there was little vested interest emotionally,
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: so I do understand what she's going through, and I
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: feel for anyone who was conditioned and brought up in
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: a society where these feelings were repeatedly told to keep
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: secret or to not give into. So now you know
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: she's she's living in a different time where sexual fluidity
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: is a thing and being bisexual is more embraced. So
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: I hope that she finds what she's looking for, and
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: I hope that she makes the right choice because, as
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: you said, you know, you only have one life to live,
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: and she's doing a disservice to herself and her husband
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: by staying in the marriage, and I think that they
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: will both see a lot of growth when they come
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: out of it. And yeah, to everyone listening, this is
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: the only life we get, so make it count. Don't
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: live it for someone else, Just don't. That was very
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: well said. Great. I don't want to say problem solved
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: there because that sounds a little flippant, but hopefully the
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: problem is going to get solved over the course of
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: the next few months. Okay, well, I think there's been
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: a breakup. There's been people leaving friendships, people leaving marriages.
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: I really, really hope that this woman leaves her husband
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: that is gay or bisexual, or however she classifies herself.
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: I really hope that she gets the courage. You already
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: have the courage. Every single person who's listening has the
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: courage to do something difficult or to do, you know,
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: something scary. Just try not to avoid the truth, because
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: it's not going anywhere. I just want to say Oslama
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: lacum and Shabbat shalom. Really, actually, Brandon, what would you
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: like to add? I just think it's important to focus
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: on what you're able to find from a loss in
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: these situations. Don't focus so much on what won't be there,
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: but think about what will come in its place. There's
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: a lot of opportunity in making space for new friends,
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: new relationships, new hobbies. So just try and think of
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: it that way. Yeah, but I don't think she's looking
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: at it like I mean, I think she knows what's
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: going to come in its place, something great. People want
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: their best friends. You know, the guy who obviously needed
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: to make room for other people or other things because
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: he was still very focused on some of that he
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: dated quite a while ago. I know it's really hard
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: when you're obsessed with somebody, or you can't shake somebody
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: out of your system. It's really hard. And I know,
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: like and when people say, oh, well, you know, this
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: too shall pass, I I want to take that saying
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: and shove it up somebody's asshole, because it's not helpful
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: when you're going through something in the moment, because it
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel like it's going to pass. It doesn't feel
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: like the pain is going to go. But a theme
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: of this podcast has been to remind people that everything
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: is so temporary. Nothing stays for long, the highs, the lows,
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: The good doesn't stay either for long, and the bad
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: doesn't stay for long. So it's all ephemeral and it
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: all moves. So that the one thing I always tell
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: myself is like, even if it's bad, it's like, this
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: is only temporary. And I remind myself of that. And
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: it's a good reminder because heartbreak only lasts for so long,
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: and a lot of times it's not as bad as
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: we perceive it to be. Right, And that's where we
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: come in to remind you of that making a jump
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: or making a change is really scary. But that's scary
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: part as soon as you step into it. You've got
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: an emotion. As soon as you take the first step,
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: it's happening. It's happening. And then that doesn't last forever either.
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: That's a transition. So the quicker you get into it,
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: the quicker you get out of it. Amen to myself.
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: Actually amen. If you want any assistance with your partner,
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: your best friend, really anything, you can write into Dear
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea Project at
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Also, I am on tour. My tickets
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows.
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: can buy tickets a ticket Master for my shows. I'm
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: at the Santa Barbara Bowl August one, so you can
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: come see me there and tickets are available and I
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: can't fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and horny, so make
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nous
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: and and keep them to yourself. Please h