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S5 Ep16: Unfiltered Fury: Lizz Winstead Unleashed · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hello to you two.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Happy Orange Alert, everybody! Thrilled you're here.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, we in New York are very special because we have Orange Plus Alert.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's great.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I guess on their color scheme, they didn't really come up with something between orange and fiery death.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm very excited about is that my hero, John Ashcroft, has asked every one of us to be terror deputies.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd like you to look at the person next to you.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Feel safe?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not sure who is a terrorist in this country, they've really helped us out to figure it out.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you go to the website of the Department of Homeland Security, they'll give you some hints.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: First thing you want to look for are pregnant women.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because they're probably not pregnant.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: They're probably just terrorists in disguise.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I suggest your duty as a citizen is to walk up to a pregnant woman, punch her right in the gut.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just to make sure there's not a bomb under her jumper.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's your duty, your deputies.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Second thing they tell you look for is people impersonating, firemen, and police officers.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you see someone dressed up as a policeman or a fireman, immediately report it to someone else dressed up like a policeman or a fireman.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you're deputies.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: But the biggest warning they have of all is they want you to be on the lookout for sweaty guys who smell like chemicals with wires hanging out of their coats and they're wearing winter coats in the summer.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now I live in New York.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: If that is indeed what a terrorist looks like, there's one peeing in every doorway on every corner in every borough in the city of Maryland.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, doesn't it make you angry that they are doing this?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: These they're giving us terrorist alerts that are three years old.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: How stupid do they think we are?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: How much are they gonna try to scare us with crap for information?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is what you're gonna hear the day before election day.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: We've just received information that a group calling itself the Green Mountain Boys are planning an attack on the British garrison at Fort Ticonderoga.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Be vigilant.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I love when people are obsessed with terror attacks who are going to die so much sooner than that is ever going to happen.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like smokers?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Have you seen smokers completely freaked out at a party, you get a couple of drinks, and them, they're like, you know, I live by ground zero, man, and my lungs haven't been the same.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not afraid of any of this.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I eat street meat.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you eat meat from a guy who has a rolling cart, if you get in a cab, you're asking a strange guy to take you someplace.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've actually eaten street meat and then gotten in a cab right after.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am just that edgy.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I haven't always been this fearless.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but since we've attacked Iraq and George Bush has given me the okay that I should feel safer, I do.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because clearly the world has embraced the whole idea.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was never for this war.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I always thought this war was ridiculous, but I understood why people in the beginning would be for the war.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because this media had never questioned a single thing.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what was Fox doing?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently they were too busy dismantling their fact-checking department to actually look into any of this and perfecting the swoosh.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know how when the lie comes in, it's a big lie.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: A Fox lie.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a swoosh.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And CNN couldn't be bothered because they have to, you know, employ all of their resources to find the next Lacey Peterson.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the administration got away with this crook.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: First, what do we have?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: We have Colin Powell, you know, waving this vial of nutmeg around at the UN saying it's a weapon of mass destruction.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was the yellow cake.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And there was the yellow cake uranium, right?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So now we have nutmeg and yellow cake.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So apparently we need to get into Iraq because Saddam is this close to making sticky buns.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the good thing about Iraq.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: They now have a democratically installed prime minister.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to say he's in bed with this administration, but they did find Dick Cheney's Rolex lodged in his colon.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you look at where we live, and you know we are giving them$18 billion to rebuild the Iraqi infrastructure.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna get jobs.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I was thinking, maybe we should just bomb ourselves so we can upgrade our school system.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, if Bush would have found oil in Texas, he would have blown himself up.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hate my own freedom.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the world is a safer place without me.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Halliburton needs more jobs.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is the thing about there's so much about Halliburton to hate.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing that got my panties completely in a wine.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Halliburton has every job over there, right?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Six in ten Iraqis are unemployed.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Halliburton is outsourcing Iraqi jobs to labor even cheaper than Iraqi.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're bringing in guys from India to do the job in Iraq.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's the are you gonna actually tell me that there are strong Iraqi unions bilking your profit margin?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Shareholders are breathing down your neck for paying workers 15 bucks a week and you gotta bring down to five?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what does Bush say?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why does he say they're fighting us?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they resisting?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're jealous of our freedom.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're jealous of our freedom.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the fact that we blew up their infrastructure completely.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they're jealous of our freedom.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: They have rage beyond belief that they don't have an Applebee's.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or a cable show where five f invade a NASCAR dad's home and make him look terrific.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they despise our culture.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: They hate our culture.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, what culture is it are are we exposing to them?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are jazz clubs popping up on the outskirts of Najif?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure Lindy England wasn't doing a revival of guys and dolls with that guy on a leash.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And let's not forget, the good old USA is the country that invented Olestra.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, no other country would use their technology to invent a fat substitute that when you put it on potato chips causes involuntary loose stools.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Message to the world?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than moderating our eating habits, we Americans would rather just sit in a pool of our own filth.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: If that's what it takes to eat the whole bag of chips.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And forget about it if you're elderly.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: We hate old people in this country.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: We are so disrespectful to old people, it is shameful.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: This Republican Medicare bill has 73 different drug plants for old people to figure out.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: My mom is 83 and takes 50 pills a day.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: She takes one pill, so the other 49 pills don't run right through her.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: How the hell is she supposed to figure out which of these 73 plans is good for her?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'll tell you.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: George Bush says, you know what?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the best way to do it.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: You just navigate our Medicare website.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: The heart attack alone would be like 50%.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So they would it'd be much easier for him.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: But it's crazy.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: How do old people cannot find websites?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like it's here's the Medicare websites, have at it.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's like www.medicare.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you a minute to get your glasses, slash, generic drugs will surely cause dementia, slash, let's be honest, heroin would be cheaper and release you from that prison of a body you're in.gov.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: This government is forcing old people to pile into buses in the dead of night to illegally buy drugs in Canada.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And there's Ashcroft at the border rounding them up, filling prison yards with angry elderly people screaming, Plavica, Plavica, Plavica! Man, these pharmaceutical companies are such greedy pigs.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I am surprised that with each refill of Prilosac, they're not doling out a coupon for a free bloomin' onion.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Keeps you coming back.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: But isn't that kind of Bush's whole thing?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just keep us fat and afraid, and we'll buy any of this crap from him.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: He gives all this stuff, fancy names, sounds like a good idea, right?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: The Clear Skies Initiative.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be heavily medicated to believe clearer skies will come if we give tax breaks to people who buy gas-gorging SUVs.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, shouldn't it really be called the loosen regulations so corporate polluters can make huge profits while blowing cancerous chunks into our lungs initiative?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't sound as cheery.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, pollution is a cash cow.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, corporate America loves it, right?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And we buy into it.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's oxygen bars now.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: We pay to breathe in air.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: There are nap centers in Manhattan where you pay to take a nap.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: We buy bottled water every single day without thinking about it.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because drinking tap water is more dangerous than doing jello shots off of Courtney Love.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's why.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you think?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not putting more poison into the water that's ruining our environment.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's those extremists who want to get married and have health insurance.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody stop them! It's crazy.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: The Defense of Marriage Act.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because gay marriage ruins the dignity of straight marriage.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Look.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: The second they erected the first Elvis chapel in Vegas, and straight couples flocked there to be married by an Elvis impersonator with a mustard stain on his jumpsuit, dignity should be removed from the dialogue.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I think in the gay marriage area, I think that the gay community needs to take a page from the Bush Clear Skies thing.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think you need to create a situation where all these homophobes in Congress think that the gay marriage amendment's gonna work for them.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because really, here's what happens.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: When your Rick Santorums and your Tom Delays and every other kook bag that's in there hears the words gay marriage, they draw a mental image of guys having sex, two men having sex everywhere.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Front lawns, nursery school, parking lots.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't work.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they picture bumping, bumping, bumping, two white guys.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: They can't stand it.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, if they pictured two women having sex, it would already be in the Constitution.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I think.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think that introducing gay marriage should be called the straight guy wish fulfillment initiative.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the shiny object for the homophobes.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Shiny, shiny object.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: So then they'll think hot lesbians will be nude sunbathing right next door to them, like in every house, right?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: So Congressman creepazoid downloader of German porn can be going.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: And meanwhile, gay married people can just go to PTA meetings and sign off on health insurance plans.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, is it the compassionate or the conservative part that with a straight face calls putting a pickle on a bun a replacement for a manufacturing job?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Which part?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or which part of the compassionate conservative equation is it that steals from poor kids' lunch programs to pay for tax cuts for the rich?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it the compassionate part or the conservative part that forces moms to hold bake sales for their sons and daughters who are fighting in Iraq?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: This one kills me.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: How the hell do you have a war and then say, geez, we don't have enough bullets, we don't have enough Kevlar vests, we don't have enough tanks and jeeps that are protected from the enemy.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Go send your son.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, we're gonna send him there for as long as we'd like him to be there.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, moms back home are having bake sales?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is insane! Since when is it okay that the safety of our soldiers depends on how much apple brown bedd Mrs.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maplewood sells?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, boys, we only sold two pants of bars, so you're gonna have to make your own flak vest with a down-appache helicopter and some old gum.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: This one is also crazy.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Go to the Department of Labor website because they have a page for the homeless to find jobs.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I know that the homeless don't have homes, so I shouldn't be judgmental to think that they don't have laptops.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I just kind of can't believe I guess they go to the library to look for jobs, which then John Ashcroft can monitor their every every page they look at when they're not hitting the add to cart button every five minutes.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: And to be fair, I do not want to just make this a uh get Bush out of the White House quicker than you can get Bush out of the White House, because I cannot believe how he's destroyed our state and the world and ruined this nation fest.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: But would you look at the talk?
• 20:11
  unknown: I gotta go.