Latest / Two Broke Chicks / How To Glow Up Your Dating & Relationships ft. Susie

Transcript

How To Glow Up Your Dating & Relationships ft. Susie · Two Broke Chicks

0:00
Speaker 1: This podcast is recorded on gaddigal Land Always was, always
0:03
Speaker 1: will be Aboriginal Land. Hey chicks, I'm sal and I'm
0:14
Speaker 1: now sorry.
0:15
Speaker 2: I said that and I stared at her right she
0:18
Speaker 2: was saying you sip and welcome to two Broke Chicks
0:20
Speaker 2: to show that she has life lessons and tips to
0:22
Speaker 2: help make you rich in life. And today we are
0:24
Speaker 2: joined by relationship and intimacy coach Susan Kim.
0:28
Speaker 3: Hello, happy to be here.
0:29
Speaker 2: We've got you on because this episode is dropping the
0:32
Speaker 2: week of Valentine's Day, and we asked the chicks to
0:35
Speaker 2: send in their dating and relationship and intimacy dilemmas and.
0:40
Speaker 1: Oh boy, I think it was the most responses to
0:43
Speaker 1: a story we've ever heard.
0:44
Speaker 3: Oh wow, yeah, yeah.
0:46
Speaker 2: So all of the questions that we're asking today are
0:49
Speaker 2: inspired by the submissions from you chicks, So thank you
0:51
Speaker 2: so much for writing in. And I'm sure we'll get
0:54
Speaker 2: into all the details of all the dilemmas, but before
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Speaker 2: we do, we like to start with our life lesson
1:00
Speaker 2: of the week. So, as our guest, would you like
1:02
Speaker 2: to kick yourself?
1:04
Speaker 3: Yes?
1:04
Speaker 2: Love to.
1:04
Speaker 4: So my life lesson this week is it's a bit
1:08
Speaker 4: of like an oldie, but a goodie. But I feel
1:10
Speaker 4: like best life lessons are kind of like they shouldpeat themselves.
1:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're classics.
1:15
Speaker 4: So I went on the weekend camping and hiking with
1:19
Speaker 4: my husband and we kind of had a fight the
1:21
Speaker 4: night before. So I was like grumpy because we were
1:24
Speaker 4: getting there really late, and we had these things like well,
1:26
Speaker 4: should I just drop you off there and youry to
1:27
Speaker 4: do it by yourself and like yeah, and it's like no,
1:30
Speaker 4: let's just get there, let's just do it. So we
1:32
Speaker 4: like started at the trailhead at like four pm.
1:34
Speaker 3: It was late. It was really grumpy, but.
1:35
Speaker 4: Then you know, we walked down, got into the valley,
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Speaker 4: had to swim in the river, camped overnights, u sakatas,
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Speaker 4: blah blah blah blah blah, camped out, and like, you know,
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Speaker 4: the life lesson for me is like I think, firstly,
1:49
Speaker 4: it's like always go to nature, always with it. Yeah,
1:51
Speaker 4: but also it's like, even when things are a bit
1:54
Speaker 4: grumpy and when things are a bit tense, like just
1:56
Speaker 4: do the nice thing, like crowd that out with the
1:59
Speaker 4: nice experience, and then that sometimes has its own momentum
2:02
Speaker 4: and just takes over. Yeah, you know, because I think, like,
2:04
Speaker 4: we're always going to fight about this thing, like getting
2:06
Speaker 4: to nature late. We thought about it like so many
2:08
Speaker 4: times before, yeah, and you.
2:11
Speaker 3: Know, and then you get there and you're like, why
2:12
Speaker 3: are we fighting? Yeah.
2:13
Speaker 2: So true to get dragged down by the details like oh,
2:16
Speaker 2: well we were supposedly fifteen minutes ago, or I told
2:19
Speaker 2: you blah blah, like you took the wrong turn, like
2:21
Speaker 2: all these little things. But and sometimes it's hard not
2:24
Speaker 2: to hold on to that and be like, still be grumpy,
2:27
Speaker 2: but then you're ruining the nice experience that you could
2:29
Speaker 2: have had together. I feel like as an intimacy and
2:32
Speaker 2: relationship coach, you would have the most mature fights ever.
2:36
Speaker 4: Oh yes, and no, I think I think when I'm
2:39
Speaker 4: having the non mature fights, I've got like a running
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Speaker 4: commentary in the back of my mind.
2:43
Speaker 3: Being like, oh, I'm not really doing this properly, but
2:46
Speaker 3: you know what, I don't want to be the mature
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Speaker 3: one right now.
2:49
Speaker 1: Things actually nice to know like that, you know, even
2:54
Speaker 1: experts are human, and like you're allowed to have your
2:56
Speaker 1: moments where you're like, no, I don't want.
2:58
Speaker 2: To be mature right now.
3:00
Speaker 4: And I honestly think the best thing, like the most
3:02
Speaker 4: mature part of fighting is like, just make sure you repair,
3:06
Speaker 4: Just make sure you own your staff and repair, and
3:08
Speaker 4: that's that's kind of all you need to do.
3:10
Speaker 2: You love that. What's your life lesson?
3:12
Speaker 1: My life lesson is a quote that I saw on
3:15
Speaker 1: TikTok So I don't know where its origins are, but
3:18
Speaker 1: and I thought it was helpful for this episode. But
3:21
Speaker 1: it's the quote that if they couldn't speak, with their
3:24
Speaker 1: actions be enough? Love it, I know, right, Like, if
3:29
Speaker 1: they couldn't speak, would their actions be enough? Like if
3:34
Speaker 1: you're not getting the apology messages and I'm sorry, I
3:37
Speaker 1: actually do.
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Speaker 5: Really care about you, Like no, I won't do it again,
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Speaker 5: blah blah blah, take that away.
3:42
Speaker 2: Actions speak out of them.
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Speaker 1: It hits yeah, right, And I feel like there was
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Speaker 1: definitely a time in my life that if I saw that,
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Speaker 1: I would have hurt my own feelings.
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Speaker 5: Yeah, I was like, fuck, no, it doesn't it's not enough.
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Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of chicks just went a shit.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I appreciate that.
4:01
Speaker 3: What's your life lessen?
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Speaker 2: Okay, Well I'll be the odd one out because mine
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Speaker 2: isn't relationship themed, but that's okay. Mine is a reminder
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Speaker 2: to always put air tags in things that are important
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Speaker 2: to you. I got a pair of headphones for Christmas
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Speaker 2: and really cherish them and love them, and I left
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Speaker 2: them in a cafe yesterday and I was like, why
4:20
Speaker 2: didn't I have an air tag in the case, because
4:22
Speaker 2: I have an AirTag in my old headphones. And luckily
4:26
Speaker 2: it all ended up fine. The lovely cafe owner had
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Speaker 2: found them and had them behind the cash red just
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Speaker 2: waiting for me this morning. But I was like, oh
4:33
Speaker 2: my god, the peace of mind I would have had
4:35
Speaker 2: last night if I had it and been like, oh,
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Speaker 2: it's at the cafe, I can go get it. Reminder
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Speaker 2: to use your air tags.
4:41
Speaker 1: Love that turn out of ten. Yeah, all right, shall
4:44
Speaker 1: we get into the episode.
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Speaker 2: Let's do it.
4:50
Speaker 1: We're going to start with a big question first, and
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Speaker 1: it is probably like the most common question that we get,
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Speaker 1: and it is what are your top three dating red flags?
5:01
Speaker 2: Or what are the top three dating red flags?
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Speaker 3: Okay, okay, this is a good one.
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Speaker 4: I think that one of the top red flags is
5:11
Speaker 4: when someone tells you that they can't something like I
5:15
Speaker 4: can't meet you, i'm not ready, I'm not available. When
5:20
Speaker 4: they actually say those words, I think sometimes especially as women,
5:24
Speaker 4: we kind of go, oh.
5:25
Speaker 3: Yeah, but maybe they're just not ready, but they will be.
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Speaker 3: I can change him.
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Speaker 4: I can change him, you know, I can feel that
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Speaker 4: he actually really loves me, but actually he's saying something else.
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Speaker 3: Nah. If they're saying that straight out, take that for what.
5:37
Speaker 5: It is, right, hate the words for what that.
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Speaker 4: Do not try to convince that or change that in
5:42
Speaker 4: any way. That's one another two. The second one is like,
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Speaker 4: if you're talking about relationship history and they have no
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Speaker 4: insight or self awareness into like their part what happened
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Speaker 4: in their past relationships and they only have slightly bad
6:00
Speaker 4: to say, or they just don't really have anything to say,
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Speaker 4: They don't really know anything. It just it just shows
6:04
Speaker 4: you that they don't have that capacity to self reflect
6:07
Speaker 4: on their behavior, and it's going to be a nightmare relationship.
6:10
Speaker 3: Yeah.
6:10
Speaker 1: So when they're like sitting they're being like, oh my
6:12
Speaker 1: X was crazy, isn't it.
6:14
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, And it's like, oh, what did you do?
6:16
Speaker 3: What did you contribute to that?
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Speaker 1: What did you do that made her crazy?
6:21
Speaker 3: Because I know you did for sure.
6:25
Speaker 4: I think the third one is if they're being a
6:28
Speaker 4: little bit mean to you, or if they're being a
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Speaker 4: little bit mean to other people. I just think like
6:34
Speaker 4: in the beginning, you only want people to be open
6:37
Speaker 4: and available and loving, and if you're sort of getting
6:40
Speaker 4: hints that they're actually being really critical of you from
6:44
Speaker 4: day one, it's like, nah, just get out of there,
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Speaker 4: get You're in for a lifetime of.
6:47
Speaker 1: Hell yeah, because like at the start, that's when it's
6:51
Speaker 1: supposed to be literally the smoothest of sailing, yes exactly.
6:55
Speaker 1: And then I feel like sometimes and like I've done
6:58
Speaker 1: this in the past as well. At the start, if
7:00
Speaker 1: it's like spicy, you think that's exciting, and like the fighting,
7:04
Speaker 1: it's like we bo but then we have great makeup.
7:06
Speaker 2: Sex, it's like nothing that's passion. It's not passion.
7:09
Speaker 3: They're a dick. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
7:12
Speaker 2: And that's gonna get old real fast.
7:13
Speaker 3: It's gonna get old real fast.
7:14
Speaker 4: And like that beginning when people start new relationships and
7:18
Speaker 4: it's really hectic in the beginning and on and off
7:21
Speaker 4: and this and that, it's like you want that beginning
7:23
Speaker 4: to be what you look back on years later, to
7:25
Speaker 4: be like, remember we had that, Yeah, you could get
7:28
Speaker 4: something why Yeah, like this reservoir of like happy memories.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, like a strong foundation for sure, and I've said
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Speaker 2: before on the show, but when people show their true colors,
7:39
Speaker 2: believe them. Yes, yeah, what are some signs that they're
7:44
Speaker 2: just not that into you?
7:45
Speaker 6: Oh?
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Speaker 3: There are so many. There are so many.
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Speaker 4: And I think this is so important for like chicks
7:51
Speaker 4: especially to just like have a little list in the
7:53
Speaker 4: back of the mind, like not in a way where
7:55
Speaker 4: they're weaponizing it and then you're jumping down, just in
7:57
Speaker 4: a way of like all right, yeah, take no, I'm
8:00
Speaker 4: just going to take this in calmly and then I
8:03
Speaker 4: can make some rational decisions. Right, So I think that
8:06
Speaker 4: one of them really is around. Are they replying to
8:10
Speaker 4: you in a timely manner?
8:12
Speaker 6: Right?
8:12
Speaker 3: Because if a guy is really into you, yeah, you
8:17
Speaker 3: will know.
8:18
Speaker 4: You will know because you will feel like he's replying
8:21
Speaker 4: to you, he's messaging you, he's making plans, he's considering you,
8:25
Speaker 4: he's thinking about things that you said, and like maybe
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Speaker 4: giving you a little gift or maybe like making a
8:29
Speaker 4: little comment like you will one hundred percent not with
8:32
Speaker 4: the consistency and the.
8:34
Speaker 3: Care and the consideration that he's showing you.
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Speaker 2: What would you consider timely? Yeah, I want an hourly
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Speaker 2: or daily breakdown.
8:43
Speaker 4: I'd say, like within a day, yeah, for sure, or
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Speaker 4: like if he message at the start of the day,
8:48
Speaker 4: at least by end of day.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
8:50
Speaker 4: I do think that like a guy, no matter how
8:52
Speaker 4: busy he is, if he's really into you, he will
8:55
Speaker 4: carve out time in his day too.
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Speaker 1: Reply. I completely agree when they'll be like sorry, like
8:59
Speaker 1: life's just been hectic or it's been so busy there.
9:02
Speaker 3: Unless they're like diying down a mind shaft.
9:04
Speaker 4: Or something astronaut on Mars that they're like in surgery
9:10
Speaker 4: for hours now, Yeah, that's okay, astronaut or surgeon.
9:15
Speaker 2: These are only two exceptions.
9:17
Speaker 4: Okay, what else it's around, Like, is is he getting
9:20
Speaker 4: annoyed at little things that you do? Or does he
9:22
Speaker 4: have actually quite a lot of grace around it? And
9:24
Speaker 4: is he kind of like really open and curious about
9:26
Speaker 4: just whoever you are? Because when a guys really into you,
9:29
Speaker 4: everything you do is kind of shiny to them, but
9:32
Speaker 4: it really is for a while exactly, everything's cute, everything's
9:36
Speaker 4: like oh wow, like okay, it's not annoying, right, and
9:39
Speaker 4: they're just sort of open and really like there's this
9:41
Speaker 4: energy of like delight like when a guy's into you,
9:43
Speaker 4: you know, like even if guys aren't expressive, it's like, oh, yeah,
9:46
Speaker 4: that's cool. Okay, yeah that's nice, a little smile. And
9:50
Speaker 4: I think that's really obvious to a girl because you just.
9:53
Speaker 3: Feel so relaxed.
9:55
Speaker 4: You can kind of say anything, do anything, be anything,
9:57
Speaker 4: and they're just like, oh cool.
10:00
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah. And also like showing interest in the things
10:05
Speaker 2: that you're passionate about, right, Like what if they're sort
10:08
Speaker 2: of like you're talking about your work or something that
10:11
Speaker 2: you've got coming up, like a holiday or something. Is
10:14
Speaker 2: how they respond to that important?
10:16
Speaker 3: It is? Right, it is.
10:18
Speaker 4: But at the same time, I really want to like
10:20
Speaker 4: cater to some of the guys who are like more
10:21
Speaker 4: introverted and they don't like express as much as maybe
10:25
Speaker 4: some girls or maybe guys who more extroverted. So it's like, yeah,
10:27
Speaker 4: they're sometimes they're not the greatest at asking questions, but
10:30
Speaker 4: they are interested.
10:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, how.
10:32
Speaker 2: Can you tell that distinction between somebody who isn't interested
10:37
Speaker 2: or somebody who is maybe a little bit more introverted,
10:40
Speaker 2: or maybe they just want to ease into the relationship,
10:44
Speaker 2: So it's not that they're not committed, Like, how do
10:46
Speaker 2: you know if they're not committed or they're just easing
10:49
Speaker 2: into it.
10:50
Speaker 4: How do you know if they're not committed or just
10:52
Speaker 4: easing into it. I think there's like so in their energy.
10:55
Speaker 4: I think there's like an openness if they're interested in you.
10:58
Speaker 3: But they're just a little bit like withdrawal, a little
11:00
Speaker 3: bit shy.
11:01
Speaker 4: They will give you space when you talk, and when
11:04
Speaker 4: you say stuff, they will probably say like a little
11:06
Speaker 4: considerate thing back, which shows that they've been listening. When
11:09
Speaker 4: a guy's not interested, like honestly, it's kind of it's
11:12
Speaker 4: kind of obvious, Yeah, talk about themselves, or they're not
11:17
Speaker 4: that or they're just not that receptive to what you
11:19
Speaker 4: have to say, or they don't really have a response,
11:23
Speaker 4: you know, like they just don't really respond the same way,
11:25
Speaker 4: or they kind of like what do they do they like, Yeah,
11:29
Speaker 4: it's like they don't really contact you. They're not really
11:31
Speaker 4: that interested, they don't really respond. I think that they're
11:33
Speaker 4: the things.
11:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like the biggest thing you said as
11:37
Speaker 1: well is like if they're interested in you, you won't
11:40
Speaker 1: be confused, like you'll know and if you're confused, they're
11:44
Speaker 1: probably not that interested.
11:46
Speaker 4: And it's either they're not interested or they don't have
11:48
Speaker 4: the capacity to show up in the way that you
11:51
Speaker 4: want them to.
11:52
Speaker 3: Sometimes guys really really want to.
11:55
Speaker 4: And I feel like, especially like maybe younger guys, also
11:57
Speaker 4: older guys. Let's face it, everyone does this, but like
12:03
Speaker 4: they will often say, oh, you know, I love you
12:05
Speaker 4: and I want to be this person for you, But
12:07
Speaker 4: it's like can they actually do that? Sometimes they just
12:10
Speaker 4: don't have the capacity or the maturity to do it.
12:12
Speaker 4: So I think that's about like judging do they have
12:15
Speaker 4: the maturity as well as the desire.
12:17
Speaker 3: Yeah.
12:18
Speaker 1: So another thing that we got sent in a lot
12:21
Speaker 1: was that the chicks are keen to get off the
12:23
Speaker 1: dating apps. So what are some ways that people can
12:28
Speaker 1: meet new people and make genuine connection?
12:30
Speaker 4: Yes, okay, I love this question because I think that
12:35
Speaker 4: what chicks do not do enough of is meet people
12:38
Speaker 4: in real life. And I think that you know, a
12:41
Speaker 4: lot of people tell me they're like, oh, I go
12:43
Speaker 4: out and like I just do the same thing every
12:45
Speaker 4: day and I'm not.
12:45
Speaker 3: Really meeting anyone new.
12:47
Speaker 4: But if you go out and you go about your
12:49
Speaker 4: daily life, Okay, firstly, you want to be doing a
12:52
Speaker 4: little bit more than your daily life, Like, yes, go
12:54
Speaker 4: to some events, hang out with your friends, friends, like
12:57
Speaker 4: just be like yourself.
12:58
Speaker 3: But like times one point five social right, I love that.
13:01
Speaker 4: But even when you're going out your DA daily life,
13:04
Speaker 4: are going to your cafe, go to your gym, going
13:06
Speaker 4: to this, Like, don't just stay buried in your phone.
13:09
Speaker 3: If you see a Q guy, actually like get up
13:12
Speaker 3: out of there, face him. Yeah, they eye contact, yeah,
13:17
Speaker 3: and smile.
13:20
Speaker 2: And I'm like, why am I? So I am very interested?
13:30
Speaker 4: And that's what that's like such a big part of it.
13:32
Speaker 4: It's like, are you're actually making eye contact and smiling
13:35
Speaker 4: at people? And then are you just like making a
13:38
Speaker 4: little bit of conversation if they smile back.
13:41
Speaker 3: But it doesn't matter what.
13:42
Speaker 4: You say, if they're interested in they're keen.
13:45
Speaker 3: Oh, they will take that so quickly. Yeah, they will
13:47
Speaker 3: reply right then and there because they just want an
13:49
Speaker 3: excuse and they're excited.
13:50
Speaker 2: They just want it opening.
13:52
Speaker 1: And it's so interesting, especially because you know this is
13:54
Speaker 1: audio people can't see. But even when you were just
13:57
Speaker 1: saying that, you lifted like your shoulders back, like rather
14:00
Speaker 1: than concaving in, you like lifted your shoulders back and
14:03
Speaker 1: like open literally opened yourself up to conversation. That I
14:07
Speaker 1: think is so interesting And yeah, just even like not
14:11
Speaker 1: sitting on your phone and like being opened so that
14:13
Speaker 1: someone can like take your headphones off.
14:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, nobody's going to come up and strike a conversation
14:19
Speaker 2: with you. Well, no respectable person is going to come
14:22
Speaker 2: up and do that.
14:23
Speaker 3: Well, I don't want to disturb you.
14:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's like a pet talk though, that you can
14:26
Speaker 1: say in your head because it's like nerve racking.
14:29
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that. Okay, So this is the thing
14:31
Speaker 4: I think so many people are like, Oh, it's so awkward,
14:33
Speaker 4: it's going to be so cringe. It's like, just be cringe,
14:35
Speaker 4: be awkward. It's okay, Right, it's okay. I think like
14:39
Speaker 4: I feel like I've heard you talk about this before,
14:41
Speaker 4: Like if if anything that you want to do but
14:42
Speaker 4: you're putting yourself out there is going to feel a
14:44
Speaker 4: little bit cringe, it's fine, you know. And so it's
14:48
Speaker 4: like it's okay to be cringe, and I'm just going
14:50
Speaker 4: to be open and friendly. Like you're not really doing anything,
14:52
Speaker 4: you're just literally being open and friendly.
14:54
Speaker 3: And so many people don't do that.
14:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, And those moments so often when you look back
15:00
Speaker 2: on the early stages of your relationship, they're really endearing.
15:04
Speaker 2: Like when you if you do pursue something with this person.
15:07
Speaker 2: You'll be like, remember that time when I came up
15:08
Speaker 2: to you and I like awkwardly tripped over my words
15:11
Speaker 2: or I tried to hit on you and blah blah.
15:13
Speaker 2: Like you guys will laugh about that together as well.
15:15
Speaker 2: So maybe you can be like, this will be an
15:18
Speaker 2: endearing origin story.
15:20
Speaker 1: It's funny to tell your friends about it later exactly
15:23
Speaker 1: and be like, guys, it is the stupidest thing.
15:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have one of two options. It will be
15:28
Speaker 2: really romantic one day or it will be fucking funny
15:31
Speaker 2: for your friends. I love that those are two good options.
15:35
Speaker 2: Do you have a formula for how to be more
15:38
Speaker 2: confident for a first date?
15:40
Speaker 3: Look my formula?
15:42
Speaker 4: Okay, you know how everyone's like be yourself and then
15:44
Speaker 4: like there was all these memes like but.
15:46
Speaker 3: Myself is really weird.
15:49
Speaker 4: So it's like, look, there's truth to that. But I
15:51
Speaker 4: think it's like step one, get into your most relaxed version.
15:54
Speaker 4: Whatever is available to you in that moment doesn't have
15:56
Speaker 4: to be the most relaxed version, right, that's what. And
15:59
Speaker 4: when you're relaxed, you're just naturally kind of who you
16:01
Speaker 4: are a bit more.
16:02
Speaker 3: Two, you're always having a narrative, right when you're an interaction.
16:06
Speaker 3: Am I doing this? Okay? Am I showing up like this?
16:08
Speaker 4: I'm a little bit more nervous down, I'm a bit
16:09
Speaker 4: more tense today. The inner narrative that you want to
16:12
Speaker 4: cultivate is like, whatever it is, however I'm showing up
16:15
Speaker 4: is completely okay, right, So that's like that inner narrative
16:18
Speaker 4: going on at the same time all the time. I'd
16:21
Speaker 4: say as as a baseline, and.
16:23
Speaker 3: Then three is then you just want to amplify a.
16:26
Speaker 4: Tiny bit the more fun, playful parts of your personality,
16:31
Speaker 4: the curious, the flirty. So you're just amplifying that like
16:34
Speaker 4: a little bit, like split a little bit of dust on.
16:36
Speaker 3: That littlest yeah, gst exactly.
16:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's really good advice because on a first date
16:44
Speaker 2: as well, people don't know you, so they don't know
16:46
Speaker 2: that maybe you're amplifying it a little bit, whereas I
16:49
Speaker 2: think people are like, well, like I feel like a
16:51
Speaker 2: phony or I'm really nervous or whatever, and they feel
16:54
Speaker 2: like they're going to be like not genuine if they're
16:57
Speaker 2: amping it up.
16:58
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know, the person doesn't.
17:00
Speaker 4: I have something to say to that, because yes, you're right,
17:02
Speaker 4: the other person doesn't know and I think it's really
17:04
Speaker 4: great to just say that you feel nervous day, you know,
17:08
Speaker 4: like I have a really cracked thing that I used
17:10
Speaker 4: to do on dates.
17:11
Speaker 3: Oh my god, this is really cracked.
17:14
Speaker 4: I used to play this game where okay, do you
17:17
Speaker 4: want to play a game like yes, but the game
17:22
Speaker 4: is do you want to share?
17:23
Speaker 3: What would like? What's the most vulnerable thing for you
17:26
Speaker 3: to share right now? I hate it? What would people say?
17:30
Speaker 2: Well?
17:30
Speaker 4: I did it with my husband our first date, and
17:33
Speaker 4: he shared that he's not a short guy, but he's
17:37
Speaker 4: not six foot used to be under six foot, and
17:39
Speaker 4: he said, you know, when I went on dating apps,
17:41
Speaker 4: a lot of girls are saying they only want six
17:43
Speaker 4: foot and over. So now, like, it just made me
17:45
Speaker 4: a little bit self conscious about my height. So that's
17:48
Speaker 4: what I wondered, you know.
17:50
Speaker 3: Oh my god, what did you say for me?
17:53
Speaker 5: Yeah?
17:53
Speaker 3: Oh my mind was so similar.
17:54
Speaker 4: Mine was like, oh, I feel a little bit self
17:56
Speaker 4: conscious in what I'm wearing because it was a really
17:58
Speaker 4: quick day and I feel like I might not look
18:00
Speaker 4: the best right now.
18:02
Speaker 2: Oh I hate it.
18:04
Speaker 5: I mean, I just hate being.
18:08
Speaker 3: It's really it's really intense thing to do. I wouldn't
18:10
Speaker 3: recommend it.
18:11
Speaker 4: Unless you're like a real like emotional depth junkie.
18:14
Speaker 3: But it does lead to some pretty cute results.
18:19
Speaker 2: It's a good icebreaker.
18:20
Speaker 5: Yeah, and it.
18:21
Speaker 3: Could just be I feel really awkward and nervous right now.
18:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's okay to acknowledge that the elephant
18:27
Speaker 2: in the room.
18:28
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, Okay.
18:30
Speaker 1: This one was also a spicy question that we got
18:32
Speaker 1: sent in a lot, and it's is this saying, once
18:36
Speaker 1: a cheater, always a cheat out true?
18:38
Speaker 5: Can you ever move on.
18:40
Speaker 3: From cheating in a relationship?
18:41
Speaker 2: Like?
18:41
Speaker 3: I think that's a two parter. I don't think so.
18:43
Speaker 4: I think it really depends on like, Okay, I think
18:46
Speaker 4: there's a big difference between a one off cheating and
18:50
Speaker 4: like a repeated pattern of compulsive or just repetitive behavior.
18:54
Speaker 4: Like so, if they've cheated in every single relationship, yeah,
18:58
Speaker 4: that would be a red flag, right. There's something going
18:59
Speaker 4: on and there's something subconscious that's driving them or maybe conscious, right,
19:03
Speaker 4: which means that it's likely going to happen in your
19:05
Speaker 4: relationship if it's just a one off and they've really
19:09
Speaker 4: like went into it and they felt really bad about it,
19:12
Speaker 4: and you know, they've done their own reflection on it
19:15
Speaker 4: and know how it happened. I don't think it's necessarily
19:18
Speaker 4: a red flag. A lot of people have cheated, you know,
19:20
Speaker 4: men and women. It happens. It's just a fact of life,
19:24
Speaker 4: you know. So I think if you have that that
19:26
Speaker 4: circumspection and that reflection and that self awareness around it,
19:29
Speaker 4: it doesn't have to be a red flag.
19:31
Speaker 3: I think it could be could be a green.
19:32
Speaker 5: Flag even honest about the situation.
19:35
Speaker 4: Honest and they have the learnings right because I think
19:37
Speaker 4: sometimes like what I see is cheating happens, and it's
19:40
Speaker 4: so like excoriated people like that's so bad. But what
19:44
Speaker 4: I see is like, you know what, cheating happens, and
19:47
Speaker 4: it sometimes happens in a way that's so powerful you
19:50
Speaker 4: almost like can't prevent it, you know, And that's a
19:53
Speaker 4: really uncomfortable fact for something, you know.
19:58
Speaker 5: I don't like it.
20:00
Speaker 2: I don't.
20:00
Speaker 4: It's uncomfortable, right, But it can be so powerful how
20:04
Speaker 4: it happens, but it doesn't also doesn't just happen. So
20:07
Speaker 4: it's like, if you know how it happened, there was
20:10
Speaker 4: all this disconnection in the relationship, or you're going through
20:12
Speaker 4: a personally a hard time, you didn't want to share
20:14
Speaker 4: it with your partner, whatever, there was someone at work
20:16
Speaker 4: you got close to them slowly did and then at
20:18
Speaker 4: a party it happened, you know, whatever the circumstances. I
20:20
Speaker 4: think it can give you a lot to reflect on. Yeah,
20:24
Speaker 4: I think it really like warrants a big conversation.
20:28
Speaker 2: I was gonna ask, what if you're in a relationship
20:31
Speaker 2: and your partner has cheated on you, can you ever
20:35
Speaker 2: come back from that? Or do you have any advice
20:38
Speaker 2: for somebody who has gone through that?
20:40
Speaker 3: Yeah?
20:41
Speaker 4: Yeah, so that was obviously like so painful to go through,
20:44
Speaker 4: and it's like a big it's a big trauma for
20:48
Speaker 4: the relationship. It's a big relationship trauma. You can come
20:51
Speaker 4: back from it. I think like it takes a while,
20:54
Speaker 4: you know, And I think it takes like so much
20:56
Speaker 4: willingness on the person who cheated to really be right
21:00
Speaker 4: and revealing. And I think like what it does is
21:03
Speaker 4: it reveals like everything that hasn't been addressed in the
21:05
Speaker 4: relationship has to kind of come up and be seen.
21:09
Speaker 3: Is generally how it happens. Surely what works.
21:11
Speaker 4: And I think for the person who's been cheated on,
21:14
Speaker 4: at some stage, like not immediately, but at some stage
21:18
Speaker 4: you've got to decide like, am I actually going to
21:21
Speaker 4: forgive my partner and let go even though it really
21:25
Speaker 4: hurt me and it completely brought me to my knees
21:27
Speaker 4: and it's so scary and I don't know if I
21:28
Speaker 4: can trust you.
21:29
Speaker 3: Am I still going to forgive them?
21:30
Speaker 4: Like you kind of have to go through that process
21:32
Speaker 4: or you know, you let you let it go? You know,
21:35
Speaker 4: I think it's hell to stay in a relationship not
21:37
Speaker 4: forgive them and then just have that drag out for
21:39
Speaker 4: like five years. You know, if you've been cheated on,
21:42
Speaker 4: there's a lot of pain that you also need to
21:45
Speaker 4: deal with, Like, yes, you need to deal with as
21:46
Speaker 4: a couple, preferably in some sessions, but you personally need
21:51
Speaker 4: to deal with the pain that you're feeling, you know,
21:54
Speaker 4: and that like I think being cheated on can also
21:56
Speaker 4: bring up a lot of other stuff, Like you know,
21:59
Speaker 4: it really depends like it's your earlier attachment trauma, Like
22:02
Speaker 4: did you have a parent who wasn't like emotionally present
22:05
Speaker 4: or did you have a parent who literally left?
22:06
Speaker 3: Like what what else has been going on?
22:08
Speaker 4: Because I think if you're cheated on, it's such a
22:10
Speaker 4: big trauma you can bring up anything that's like any
22:14
Speaker 4: other insecurities that were there already in yourself which aren't
22:17
Speaker 4: really to.
22:17
Speaker 3: Do with your partner.
22:18
Speaker 4: So I think there's definitely a measure of like self
22:21
Speaker 4: healing and self responsibility as well as couple healing.
22:24
Speaker 1: It's such a thing that it's like there's no blanket,
22:26
Speaker 1: blanket term I can do it, and it is a
22:29
Speaker 1: case by case. But you just mentioned attachment styles, which
22:33
Speaker 1: for the chicks, if you don't know what attachment styles are,
22:34
Speaker 1: there's three types secure, anxiety.
22:36
Speaker 5: And avoidant, and then you can kind of break them down.
22:38
Speaker 4: Right, yeah, and then there's just disorganized Oh that's right, Yeah,
22:41
Speaker 4: which is.
22:42
Speaker 1: Like that.
22:44
Speaker 5: That's me that like a mix between anxiety and avoidant.
22:46
Speaker 3: Yeah, you sort of go between.
22:48
Speaker 1: But one kind of type that we get a lot
22:51
Speaker 1: of messages that relate to is the avoidant person. So
22:56
Speaker 1: what are three tips if you're dating an avoidant person?
23:00
Speaker 4: Okay, So I would say if you are an anxious
23:03
Speaker 4: girlie and you're dating someone avoidant, I would say, look,
23:06
Speaker 4: just think twice about that. I think it's a lesson
23:08
Speaker 4: that a lot of people go through, and at some
23:12
Speaker 4: point you might go, you know what, it's actually going
23:14
Speaker 4: to be better for me to date someone who's a
23:17
Speaker 4: little bit more secure. It's actually just going to be
23:19
Speaker 4: a better experience for me, right, because I think they're
23:21
Speaker 4: anxious and avoidance. They're like drawn together like magnet for sure,
23:25
Speaker 4: because you've got like corresponding wounds, you know, So you're
23:28
Speaker 4: like drawn together like magnets. It feels so good, but
23:31
Speaker 4: then you realize you're just in a pattern. Oh, we're
23:33
Speaker 4: just playing out our attachment patterns right now. Yeah, So
23:37
Speaker 4: like just have that awareness maybe you don't want to
23:39
Speaker 4: be there, maybe we choose something else, that's.
23:42
Speaker 3: My So if you're an anxious girl, like don't do that,
23:45
Speaker 3: Like yeah, just be a little bit wary. Yeah.
23:48
Speaker 4: And then most second one is I guess the growth
23:52
Speaker 4: opportunity of dealing of like being with an avoidant is
23:55
Speaker 4: like you learning to kind of self regulate. Because the
23:58
Speaker 4: thing with like an anxious attached person is they always
24:02
Speaker 4: like need to coregulate and they don't kind of self
24:04
Speaker 4: soothe as much. Right, And then the thing with an
24:06
Speaker 4: avoidant is they need to self regulate and it's not
24:09
Speaker 4: a safe for them to like connect and co regulate.
24:12
Speaker 3: So it's like the lesson is like, great, maybe.
24:13
Speaker 4: You can do a bit more to grow your own
24:16
Speaker 4: self soothing abilities like speak to your own girlfriends, do
24:19
Speaker 4: your own thing, go to your own classes, do your
24:22
Speaker 4: own journaling, like do all those things and actually try
24:24
Speaker 4: to grow that muscle.
24:25
Speaker 5: Yeah, so it be like a little bit more independent.
24:27
Speaker 3: Yeaheah, yeah for sure.
24:29
Speaker 4: And then the final one is if you're in because
24:31
Speaker 4: sometimes like you're just a little bit anxious and they're
24:33
Speaker 4: just a little bit avoidant and that's fine, happens all
24:35
Speaker 4: the time. And then it's like, yeah, just learn to
24:37
Speaker 4: give them space. You know, it's fine, Like just get
24:40
Speaker 4: okay with giving them space and knowing that they're going
24:43
Speaker 4: to need a bit more of that.
24:44
Speaker 1: Then you what are some signs that someone is an
24:46
Speaker 1: avoidant person? What if someone's dating someone they don't realize
24:49
Speaker 1: that they are, and they're listening to this and they're.
24:52
Speaker 5: Like, oh shit, maybe I am dating an avoidant person.
24:55
Speaker 3: Yeah.
24:55
Speaker 4: I mean it's things like okay, so it's kind of
25:00
Speaker 4: in the name, right, like they kind of maybe avoid closeness.
25:05
Speaker 4: So like often like you'll get really close and even
25:08
Speaker 4: in the beginning and avoid and you can get really
25:10
Speaker 4: close for like say like the first month or something,
25:12
Speaker 4: and then they suddenly need distance, right, they suddenly lose consistency,
25:16
Speaker 4: like they suddenly need space. Or sometimes it can be
25:19
Speaker 4: like when things get more vulnerable, or if you have
25:22
Speaker 4: your first disagreement, they suddenly need to avoid.
25:25
Speaker 3: The intensity and they can't be available for that.
25:27
Speaker 4: It's kind of like that, like they want to avoid
25:30
Speaker 4: emotional intimacy which includes conflict, or emotional intimacy which includes
25:34
Speaker 4: like closeness.
25:37
Speaker 2: And speaking of I guess differences in relationships. Do you
25:42
Speaker 2: have any advice for people who have different sex drives
25:46
Speaker 2: in their relationship?
25:47
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I do, right, because I think it's super
25:49
Speaker 4: common for people to have like different appetites, right, different
25:52
Speaker 4: relationships to sex. And for me, like when people come in,
25:57
Speaker 4: I think that's such a great sign to actually get
25:59
Speaker 4: some external se because it's such a tender, sensitive area
26:02
Speaker 4: that brings uple is stuff and it's really hard to
26:04
Speaker 4: talk about. So I think the most difficult position is
26:08
Speaker 4: when one person feels really pressured and judged for not
26:11
Speaker 4: wanting to have sex, and the other person feels really
26:13
Speaker 4: like bereft and lonely and left because they're not getting
26:16
Speaker 4: the connection that they want. And the one question that
26:18
Speaker 4: I would always ask is, like, what does this mean
26:21
Speaker 4: to you, like what does sex mean to you? And
26:23
Speaker 4: what does sex mean to you? And often it means
26:25
Speaker 4: you know, to this person like, oh, it's how I connect,
26:27
Speaker 4: it's how I go to these magical places.
26:29
Speaker 3: It's really it's beautiful.
26:30
Speaker 4: And to the other person it's like, oh, it's like
26:32
Speaker 4: a sign of like how deficient I am and how
26:35
Speaker 4: I'm not giving you what you want and you know,
26:37
Speaker 4: and just being able to see that already like loosen
26:41
Speaker 4: some of the pressure. And then the other thing that
26:44
Speaker 4: I see as well, especially in hetero relationships, because I
26:47
Speaker 4: think like when it's like a girl or girl or
26:50
Speaker 4: like a fab with a fab, it's like it's different,
26:53
Speaker 4: like girl's touched differently.
26:57
Speaker 5: Yeah.
26:57
Speaker 1: And I just think as well, like because when I've
27:01
Speaker 1: been with girls in the past, like the communication is
27:04
Speaker 1: just like completely different, like it's more heartfelt. Yeah, and
27:07
Speaker 1: like I feel like it's less confusing because like I
27:12
Speaker 1: don't know, it's like men the language barrier, the gender
27:15
Speaker 1: language barriers just isn't there, but yeah, they just don't
27:18
Speaker 1: always say how they feel, yeah, whereas like with women's
27:21
Speaker 1: and not all the time.
27:22
Speaker 5: But women can be a little bit more open with
27:24
Speaker 5: that yeah.
27:24
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, And I see that like a lot of
27:27
Speaker 4: what happens eventually is like women they kind of in
27:29
Speaker 4: the beginning they're okay with like really exciting hot like sex,
27:32
Speaker 4: and then at a certain point in time, maybe when
27:34
Speaker 4: they get older, maybe when they have a child, maybe
27:36
Speaker 4: it's just been a while, they want more attune men.
27:39
Speaker 4: You know, they want to be like touched and approached
27:41
Speaker 4: in a way where they can kind of like open
27:43
Speaker 4: and where there is this sensitivity to their feelings and
27:46
Speaker 4: they want that presence and it's slower and like I'm
27:49
Speaker 4: kind of like touching like my body in this really
27:51
Speaker 4: like feathery, kind of lightweight, and you know a lot
27:53
Speaker 4: of men, especially in Australia, they're not really trained.
27:57
Speaker 3: To do that. They're not really educated to do that.
27:59
Speaker 4: And I think that I see that a lot where
28:01
Speaker 4: women are like, oh, I don't want him to just
28:03
Speaker 4: grab my ass and be ready, you know, I really
28:06
Speaker 4: like want that slowness and that presence, and I want
28:08
Speaker 4: him to know like how to approach.
28:10
Speaker 5: Me yeah or play yeah or play yeah.
28:14
Speaker 1: I saw this thing once and it was like four
28:16
Speaker 1: play starts in the morning, and I was like fuck.
28:18
Speaker 3: Yes, four plase twenty four yeah, yeah.
28:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, even just asking you about your day or showing
28:25
Speaker 2: interest in your life, or you know you've had a
28:28
Speaker 2: busy day, so they pick up the groceries for you.
28:31
Speaker 2: Like showing that they care about you, that is non
28:33
Speaker 2: sexual is also as important as like the sexual stuff
28:38
Speaker 2: when it comes down to it, because so often you'll
28:41
Speaker 2: hear somebody will be like, oh well I just don't
28:43
Speaker 2: want them to touch me, so pissing me off.
28:45
Speaker 5: Yeah, you lose that connection.
28:47
Speaker 2: You can't just switch that.
28:48
Speaker 3: On for sure.
28:50
Speaker 5: Should you ever date anyone from work?
28:54
Speaker 2: Because I feel very hard.
29:00
Speaker 1: Indication, but I would like to have an expert's opinion on.
29:04
Speaker 4: This, Okay, So you know before dating apps, right, the
29:08
Speaker 4: way that we used to meet people the most was
29:11
Speaker 4: firstly through our friends and then it was through work.
29:15
Speaker 3: So I think the reality is a lot of people.
29:18
Speaker 4: It's one of like the main ways where we're exposed
29:20
Speaker 4: to new people. And I think it is okay to
29:23
Speaker 4: date people from work. I think the only time when
29:26
Speaker 4: you need to be really careful is when there are
29:28
Speaker 4: like different lines of power and power hierarchies, right, So
29:32
Speaker 4: that's what you have to be careful about. But I'm like,
29:34
Speaker 4: it's a reality, it's how a lot of people meet
29:37
Speaker 4: and you're sort of in the same pool of people
29:40
Speaker 4: and the same job kind of thing.
29:43
Speaker 6: So I think it's personally that I'm very sorry, Like
29:50
Speaker 6: that's so fair because Al and I have like a
29:52
Speaker 6: really hard and fast rule awhere, like never fuck.
29:55
Speaker 2: Anyone from work. But the reality is that we spend
29:58
Speaker 2: the majority of our time at work, your enforced proximity
30:01
Speaker 2: with people, and sometimes genuine connections do happen.
30:06
Speaker 1: Maybe it's the fact that it's like, don't fuck people
30:08
Speaker 1: from work. If you're dating and it's like really nice
30:11
Speaker 1: and sweet and healthy, then like go for gold. But
30:15
Speaker 1: it's like when you just be there working and it's
30:18
Speaker 1: like just like a friends with benefits thing, like that's
30:20
Speaker 1: only gonna just lead to drama a mess. Yeah.
30:24
Speaker 2: I think, like ask yourself genuinely, would you date them.
30:27
Speaker 5: If you didn't work together?
30:28
Speaker 3: Yeah?
30:28
Speaker 2: Would you? Yeah? Like would you swipe yes to them
30:33
Speaker 2: on a dating app? Or if you met them out
30:35
Speaker 2: through friends? Do you think that you would date?
30:39
Speaker 3: Yeah?
30:39
Speaker 2: Sometimes I think it is just like.
30:41
Speaker 1: The people at the airport, the people the airport and you're.
30:44
Speaker 2: Bored at work, yeah, you know, yeah. No.
30:47
Speaker 4: I also I've dated multiple people from work personally because
30:50
Speaker 4: I just have met people, and yeah, it's awkward when
30:54
Speaker 4: you break up, like you have to deal with the
30:55
Speaker 4: ramifications of that.
30:56
Speaker 1: What has been your biggest life lesson in regard to
31:00
Speaker 1: dating and relationships?
31:02
Speaker 4: Okay, my biggest life lesson is really that like love
31:06
Speaker 4: by itself not enough?
31:09
Speaker 2: Your face elabor right, Well.
31:11
Speaker 4: Listen, Like, I've been in love quite a lot of
31:14
Speaker 4: times in my life, and I've been in a lot
31:16
Speaker 4: of heartbreaks, and I think what I've learned is it's
31:19
Speaker 4: not really about the other person When I fall in love.
31:21
Speaker 4: I fall in love because I love a lot. And
31:25
Speaker 4: just because you fall in love, like you still need
31:28
Speaker 4: to be compatible.
31:29
Speaker 2: You know.
31:30
Speaker 4: Just because you fall in love, it doesn't mean you
31:31
Speaker 4: can live together. Just because you fall in love, it
31:33
Speaker 4: doesn't mean you can have children with this person.
31:36
Speaker 3: You know.
31:36
Speaker 4: Just because you fall in love doesn't mean it's a
31:38
Speaker 4: good relationship, right, It doesn't really mean anything. It's like,
31:41
Speaker 4: love by itself is this beautiful experience, and if you're
31:45
Speaker 4: the kind of person who falls in love a lot,
31:46
Speaker 4: it's probably just you, babe.
31:49
Speaker 2: So shit, that's good.
31:57
Speaker 3: That's good stuff.
31:58
Speaker 1: Shit.
32:00
Speaker 2: I was gonna ask, like, what makes it enough? If
32:03
Speaker 2: you could give like a one sentence or three.
32:06
Speaker 3: Things, as in like what makes a relationship enough?
32:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you've got love a lot of the other
32:11
Speaker 2: three things that you need.
32:12
Speaker 4: Like deep values driven compatibility, like lifestyle match like are
32:18
Speaker 4: you in the same stage of your life and you
32:20
Speaker 4: want the same kind of a life. And then it's
32:23
Speaker 4: like can you get through conflict like easifully enough?
32:29
Speaker 3: Yeah?
32:30
Speaker 2: So I love that. Yeah that was good. Oh, thank
32:33
Speaker 2: you so much for coming on.
32:35
Speaker 1: I could honestly talk to you for so long. I
32:37
Speaker 1: think you have to say so interesting.
32:39
Speaker 2: But where can the chicks learn more about you and
32:42
Speaker 2: find you?
32:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, they can find me on Instagram It's at Suzi
32:44
Speaker 3: Kim Love.
32:45
Speaker 4: Or they can go to my website www dot czkim
32:47
Speaker 4: dot com.
32:49
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're the main way.
32:50
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for coming on, and thank you
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Speaker 2: to all the chicks who wrote in and shared their dilemmas.
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Speaker 2: And thank you to m ik Made for making today's
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Speaker 2: episode happen. Love it Chicks, Hi, cheeky Happy Valentinees. M
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Speaker 2: h
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Speaker 3: M HM