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Skating On The Carpet - Emotionally Unavailable Mates · Relationship Talk Thursday

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  Speaker 1: Inspiration 1390 Family. I'm Sonia Blakey. It's Relationship Talk Thursday.
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  Speaker 1: We were able to pull her in because she's with everybody.
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  Speaker 1: She's at everybody's church, everybody's conference, everybody's seminar.
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  Speaker 2: But there's no place like home. Well, Nick Pearson is here.
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  Speaker 1: Relationship expert, certified marriage and family counselor, and she has
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  Speaker 1: a brand new book, Train Up a Child, Cutting to
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  Speaker 1: the Core to Heal Your Inner Child Love. Just in
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  Speaker 1: case folks just tapped in for this particular show, in
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  Speaker 1: one sentence.
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  Speaker 2: What is this book about? This is about reparenting your
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  Speaker 2: inner child. That's the sentence. Reparenting your inner child. Looking
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  Speaker 2: at what your child experienced and what they interpreted that
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  Speaker 2: experience to be in making the necessary changes. All right.
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  Speaker 1: As soon as this topic came up, it triggered some
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  Speaker 1: people here in the studio with me today. And emotionally
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  Speaker 1: unavailable mates.
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  Speaker 2: Now, how did this happen? How can something like this
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  Speaker 2: happen in your childhood? So what happens in the childhood
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  Speaker 2: when you're talking about an emotionally unavailable mate? A lot
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  Speaker 2: of times, you know, they'll say, the mate will say,
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  Speaker 2: you know what, I just, I'm just private. I, you know,
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  Speaker 2: I don't hang out with this. The truth of the
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  Speaker 2: matter is they have trust issues. They have trust issues
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  Speaker 2: because of betrayal very often. And what happens is this.
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  Speaker 2: It does, an unemotional mate does not always happen just
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  Speaker 2: in childhood. Right. That can actually happen from your adult
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  Speaker 2: relationships as well after you've been hurt. Now, let's say
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  Speaker 2: a breakup. A breakup can take you up to nine months,
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  Speaker 2: not up to, but as long as nine months and
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  Speaker 2: beyond to actually heal from that, depending on how close
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  Speaker 2: and how that affects you. And it's kind of like this.
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  Speaker 2: When you put your hand on the fire, what do
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  Speaker 2: you do? You don't run back to that stove real
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  Speaker 2: quick to get burned. So now this is this emotion
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  Speaker 2: of trust, this emotion of deception and being deceived and
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  Speaker 2: what that did to me and how that sent me back.
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  Speaker 2: They're like, I'm not going to, a lot of times
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  Speaker 2: they'll make a vow unto themselves saying, to never go
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  Speaker 2: back into that situation again. They don't even know it.
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  Speaker 2: It's an unconscious vow to themselves that they're not going
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  Speaker 2: to do it. So this is what I call it.
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  Speaker 2: I say a lot of times what you see in
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  Speaker 2: a relationship is they are skating on the carpet. They're
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  Speaker 2: skating on the carpet. You know, like when you go
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  Speaker 2: to a skating rink and you're skating on the carpet,
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  Speaker 2: you think you're doing okay. You get out on that
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  Speaker 2: floor and you're like, bam, these legs, right? And so
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  Speaker 2: what happens is they will just stay safe. They will
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  Speaker 2: keep it safe. So they will play the field. They
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  Speaker 2: will give you a little bit. They will make you feel.
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  Speaker 2: But somebody who was in a relationship will know, you
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  Speaker 2: will not discuss this with me. You will not open up.
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  Speaker 2: There will be, especially in a marriage, you know what
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  Speaker 2: it will lack? Intimacy. Intimacy is intimacy. Now let me
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  Speaker 2: talk to you about the child. The child fails to
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  Speaker 2: say intimacy. Why? Because they are afraid of what you
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  Speaker 2: will look at. Because let's just give an example. Let's
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  Speaker 2: say that a mom left home and never showed back up.
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  Speaker 2: They just left the family, left them to be raised
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  Speaker 2: by their father. And all of a sudden, they're like,
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  Speaker 2: what did they see in me that made them leave
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  Speaker 2: me like this? Everybody else's mom is showing up at
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  Speaker 2: PTA meetings and at school. And mine did not show up.
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  Speaker 2: So what is inside of me? So what becomes what
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  Speaker 2: happens is they will become guarded like it's because they
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  Speaker 2: have not come to the conclusion of what did they
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  Speaker 2: see me of dad leaving home, divorcing mom and me.
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  Speaker 2: somebody not showing up and the bullies, what did they
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  Speaker 2: see in me that they want to pick at? You
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  Speaker 2: don't know what people see when they look at you,
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  Speaker 2: so you don't want to show them. So what you
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  Speaker 2: do is you put this coat of armor on, you
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  Speaker 2: don't let people in, and it affects the intimacy. It
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  Speaker 2: affects the ability to connect with somebody on a level
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  Speaker 2: where you is required intimately. In a marriage for a
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  Speaker 2: healthy relationship. So you have this toxic independence, this toxic
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  Speaker 2: distancing and everybody feels it. And probably most likely you're
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  Speaker 2: in denial of it. And sometimes you're in denial because
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  Speaker 2: you don't know it. Sometimes you're in denial because you
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  Speaker 2: are still protecting and guarding your territory. What is the territory?
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  Speaker 2: You're guarding your heart. The Bible says guard your heart
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  Speaker 2: because out of it comes the issues of life. However,
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  Speaker 2: he never told you to guard it with fear. You
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  Speaker 2: guard it with love.
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  Speaker 1: Love McPherson, this book is absolutely necessary.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, the way that you're talking, you.
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  Speaker 1: Know, because people in relationships, they're trying to figure this out. Like,
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  Speaker 1: why am I this way? And why is our relationship
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  Speaker 1: this way?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, you're really awakening people's minds, their thoughts and
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  Speaker 1: their hearts. Can you just kind of address, you know,
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  Speaker 1: like if you grew up, you know, maybe you're a
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  Speaker 1: middle child or something like that in a home. And
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  Speaker 1: that kind of really affects your way of thinking about
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  Speaker 1: relationships and even yourself, because I just have a feeling
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  Speaker 1: that people listening in, maybe they grew up in a.
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  Speaker 1: They were a middle child, and that kind of really affected.
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  Speaker 2: Middle children can feel lost. Say if it was just three,
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  Speaker 2: and there was an older child and the middle child
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  Speaker 2: and the baby child. And so the baby might have
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  Speaker 2: gotten better treatment. The older child got better privileges. And
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  Speaker 2: they're kind of lost in between. Now, the person in
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  Speaker 2: the family that a lot of times feels the most effect, though,
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  Speaker 2: is actually the oldest child. That oldest child can be
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  Speaker 2: the place where all the parents... place their hope in
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  Speaker 2: or their burden in. So they can, they will most
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  Speaker 2: likely be the parentified child who, if the parent is
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  Speaker 2: working or the parent is on drugs or the parent
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  Speaker 2: is not in the home, or they have had to
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  Speaker 2: live with their grandmother, they will parent their siblings. They
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  Speaker 2: will have to step into roles. And this is how
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  Speaker 2: it affects it in relationships. You will find that they don't,
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  Speaker 2: they lack boundaries. They lack boundaries in roles. They will
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  Speaker 2: literally draw themselves from to people who need them to
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  Speaker 2: act in their role. So if let's say a lady who,
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  Speaker 2: a woman who was a parentified child, and let me
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  Speaker 2: tell you, I've seen it all. I've heard it all.
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  Speaker 2: There were six year old, seven year old kids who
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  Speaker 2: make fried chicken dinners on the stove, standing on a box. OK,
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  Speaker 2: because they had to care for their families. And so
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  Speaker 2: that person has a level of independence. And what ends
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  Speaker 2: up happening is in a relationship, they will be drawn
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  Speaker 2: often to somebody who is underperforming in their role. And
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  Speaker 2: when they are underperforming in their role, they will step in. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: you ain't gonna be the husband. You're not gonna go
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  Speaker 2: out to work. Okay, I'm gonna be the husband and
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  Speaker 2: the wife. I'm gonna take care of the whole house.
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  Speaker 2: I'm gonna take care of the whole kids. When I come,
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  Speaker 2: you'll be sitting in the basement playing your video game,
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  Speaker 2: but I'm gonna step in. That's not what they want.
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  Speaker 2: And they're very resentful for it because even their child
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  Speaker 2: is resentful for the fact that they did not have
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  Speaker 2: the luxury of enjoying the childhood, but they have not
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  Speaker 2: healed from it. So this person is there in their
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  Speaker 2: life To say, let them heal. And probably the person
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  Speaker 2: in the basement, they were probably that coddled son or
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  Speaker 2: that coddled princess pampered girl who nobody put anything on, responsibilities.
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  Speaker 2: They don't understand. So what you have to do, you
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  Speaker 2: have to stop and say, what has caused this? Why
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  Speaker 2: am I in this position? You've got to go back
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  Speaker 2: and reassess your childhood. And once again, you can't just
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  Speaker 2: talk about the experiences. You must. You must. You must.
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  Speaker 2: What did you interpret? You know why? Because your inner
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  Speaker 2: child lies to you. Your inner child will tell you lies.
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  Speaker 2: It will say you are not enough. It will say
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  Speaker 2: you cannot be loved the way you are. It will
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  Speaker 2: say that you are ugly. You need to be this
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  Speaker 2: in order to be significant. You have to be perfect
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  Speaker 2: or you have to do it yourself. It will lie
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  Speaker 2: to you. And therefore, you cannot live a healthy relationship
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  Speaker 2: off of lies told to you by your inner child.
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  Speaker 2: What is going to set you free? The truth. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: You go back and speak truth. Go back and speak
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  Speaker 2: it in abundance. Because out of the abundance of the mouth,
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  Speaker 2: of the heart, the mouth speaks. So if the child
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  Speaker 2: has been saying this in abundance since forever, you've got
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  Speaker 2: to go back and readdress some of those issues and
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  Speaker 2: speak life, speak truth to yourself so you can rebirth
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  Speaker 2: and relive the way God intended you to live. So
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  Speaker 2: there is hope. There is absolutely hope. Whether you're married,
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  Speaker 2: whether you want to get married. There's hope. And let
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  Speaker 2: me tell you something. In this book, I don't only
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  Speaker 2: tell you about hope. I tell you specific instructions on
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  Speaker 2: how to heal. Not only that, I also have on
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  Speaker 2: each chapter, on each section... I give you, if you're
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  Speaker 2: in a relationship with somebody like this, this is what
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  Speaker 2: you need to know. This is what you need to do.
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  Speaker 2: So if this you, I have a portion of the
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  Speaker 2: book in every chapter about you. And if it's your spouse,
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  Speaker 2: it's a portion in every book about you and then
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  Speaker 2: about the spouse and then or a mate or whatever.
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  Speaker 2: And then at the end, I give you step by
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  Speaker 2: step what to confess for each one of these things
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  Speaker 2: that I'm talking to you about. Wow. Powerful. All for
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  Speaker 2: only $ 19. 99, but I know I'm not supposed to say
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  Speaker 2: that far.
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  Speaker 1: And you can get through this book. It's only like
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  Speaker 1: 115 pages or 120 pages, something like that.
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  Speaker 2: Yep, yep, yep, absolutely.
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  Speaker 1: You can get through this book and get everything that
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  Speaker 1: God has given love.
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  Speaker 2: McPherson. And folks can get the book at shop.com. LoveMcPherson.com. Yes. Shop, girl. Shop. ShopLoveMcPherson.com. ShopLoveMcPherson.com.
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  Speaker 2: It's been a joy to have you here the month
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  Speaker 2: of October, and you're always welcome. Y'all make her come
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  Speaker 2: help me back. Tell her you want me to come back.
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  Speaker 2: Don't put that on me. Don't put that on me.
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  Speaker 2: Relationship expert LoveMcPherson. ShopLoveMcPherson.com. Thank you, love. It's my pleasure.