Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Yay Duck and Yuck Duck Parenting: Embracing Emotional Wisdom | Ep. 107

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Yay Duck and Yuck Duck Parenting: Embracing Emotional Wisdom | Ep. 107 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hello, wonderful parents.
• 0:08
  Cheryl Lang here welcoming you to another episode of the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:14
  I'm so very glad you're here today because we're delving into a topic that elevates emotional maturity for both adults and children.
• 0:25
  Let me ask you, have you ever felt both overwhelming love and also a lot of frustration with your children at the same time?
• 0:39
  Well then, you're already acquainted with what we're going to address.
• 0:44
  The challenge of emotional paradox, which in regular people speak, is when you feel two conflicting ways about the same thing at the same time.
• 0:57
  We've all felt it.
• 0:59
  I just didn't know what it was called.
• 1:01
  So we're going to use the imagery of a pair of plastic ducks, Mr.
• 1:06
  Yay Duck and Mr.
• 1:07
  Yuck Duck.
• 1:08
  And we'll explore how to develop this concept and illustrate how conversations about these emotions Can create a culture of emotional freedom in your hearts and in your family.
• 1:20
  So, grab your favorite cup up, settle in, and let's start the conversation.
• 1:38
  Cheryl: well Christy here.
• 1:38
  Cheryl: We sit in this nice Toasty warm recording studio.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: Yes, so
• 1:42
  Christie: thankful for warmth today
• 1:45
  Cheryl: Okay, so we're recording this when this Arctic front has
• 1:50
  Christie: blasted
• 1:51
  Cheryl: our country, yes, so I think we're actually heading up to double digits today.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, big day.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: But it's been double digits and negative for three or four days
• 2:03
  Christie: now.
• 2:03
  Christie: Yeah, I think 120 hours is what they said we'd be below.
• 2:07
  Christie: Whoa.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: And, uh, in my house.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: there's something about the, particularly the hot water that comes from the tank to my kitchen.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: I had some changes done on things a few years ago and something about that.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: I have to be really careful.
• 2:25
  Cheryl: Very sensitive.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: Well, I've had Tim come over and help me because it freezes and my water tank is out in the garage.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: So when it's this, can you say blistering cold?
• 2:36
  Cheryl: What do you say?
• 2:37
  Christie: Blistering sounds appropriate.
• 2:39
  Christie: I don't know why, but.
• 2:41
  Cheryl: So I have to turn a light on it and I do and I can't just drip water the kitchen sink.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: I have to have it.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Warm because of that pipe that goes up and over.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: And Tim just said, Yeah, just drip your faucet.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Oh,
• 2:55
  Christie: this is your life now.
• 2:56
  Christie: We both experienced pipe busting effects in the last couple of years.
• 3:02
  Christie: And it's not something you want to repeat.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: No, we do not.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: So thankful for that.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: And I mean, goodness, like Iowa, they've, who knows, seven foot drifts.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: I think they said even like Life dangerous cold.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: Oh my goodness.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: I just doesn't
• 3:18
  Christie: sound good
• 3:20
  Cheryl: Enjoyable, so I'm glad we're up to double
• 3:22
  Christie: digits.
• 3:22
  Christie: Yeah, I don't mind a little bit of it But I wouldn't want the whole winter to be like this
• 3:26
  Cheryl: and we did get a little bit of snow So that was nice.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: No ice And I want to show you when we get a chance.
• 3:35
  Cheryl: It was amazing.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: My son and his wife were up for our second family Christmas.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: Yeah, you guys
• 3:41
  Christie: are still jingle
• 3:43
  Cheryl: belling.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Yes, I just took my tree down because they couldn't be here Christmas.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: They were skiing with her family.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: So, um, We went out to brunch on Sunday, and that's when the snow started.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: But when we got back in the car, my daughter said, Mom, look, and on the dark blue wool of my coat, my pea coat, you could see individual snowflakes.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Christy, I'm going to show you the picture later on.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: They looked like when the microscopes blow up, the individual things, all different kinds.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: Like the kind you cut out
• 4:20
  Christie: of the paper?
• 4:21
  Cheryl: Yes, it was just beautiful and I've never seen that before.
• 4:24
  Christie: I love that.
• 4:26
  Christie: So it was really something.
• 4:26
  Christie: Thank you, iPhone camera.
• 4:28
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: That's awesome.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: so I'm glad we're getting over this.
• 4:31
  Cheryl: It's melting off today.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: So that's good.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: And listeners, Ellen's not with us today.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: There's some things going on and she couldn't make it.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: So hopefully she'll be back here next week.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: right, so we're going to talk about, Christy, you know, we've talked numerous times about making good decisions and over the long haul, teaching your children how to make decisions.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: For example, listing the pros and cons,
• 4:58
  Christie: Cost benefit ratio on decision making.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: You know, like, okay, you want to get this car over this car.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: What are the benefits?
• 5:07
  Cheryl: Or how long are you going to have to work to save up for it?
• 5:10
  Cheryl: You know, all of that.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: And that's really good.
• 5:13
  Cheryl: I'm thankful Bill and I did that.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: And y'all are doing it with your kids.
• 5:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: Uh, even now as we have young adults and adults.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: They're still doing
• 5:23
  Christie: it.
• 5:23
  Christie: Yeah, teaching them to make informed decisions and live with the consequences after the decision's been made.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: And that's really healthy.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: But I'll tell you, Christy, there was an enormous area that I had no idea I should've been doing that with.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: And we missed out.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: I suffered for it, and my children suffered for it, but I've learned.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: And it's doing this in the area of emotions.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:51
  Cheryl: Okay, so, Listeners, back, oh, I think a long episode, 81, somewhere in the 80s, we did a series on the whole brain child.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: And so that's about emotional health and how to do it.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: It's been so helpful.
• 6:08
  Cheryl: It's fantastic material.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: So if you missed it or want to review it, go back and listen to those.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: Get the book.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: It's, it's great because it's talking about how we as parents can do it ourselves, but also how to pass on emotional health and develop it in our children, right?
• 6:25
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: And so all of that has to do with what we want to talk about.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: For example, we talked about cost benefit ratio in a decision like, do we move, do we have a different house?
• 6:38
  Cheryl: You want to say, okay, there are good things about it, but there are negative things about it and understand, I never realized.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: That we need to do that with emotions.
• 6:49
  Christie: Yeah, I can see the connection there.
• 6:52
  Christie: Like we do it in practical things all the time is what you're saying, but to really weigh our emotion.
• 6:59
  Christie: ,Yes.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: for example, I tend to be a very positive person.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: So, in my own life, and with my children, I tend to be very positive.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: It's not hard.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: I don't have to really think about the positives.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: What about you?
• 7:13
  Cheryl: Are you positive, negative?
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Are you half cup full?
• 7:16
  Christie: Well, my kids would say I'm overly positive.
• 7:19
  Christie: They use the term toxic positivity, but I think really more than anything, it's like a coping skill.
• 7:25
  Christie: What do you mean?
• 7:26
  Christie: Well, I, I think I do tend to You know, if you've walked through a handful of hard things in your life, you kind of expect hard things to keep happening.
• 7:33
  Christie: So I tend to look for the positive in the situation just to find a way to, you know, they'll, they'll quote me and say, well, mom will be like, well, at least it wasn't raining or you know, at least a tiger didn't eat us while we were
• 7:46
  Cheryl: there.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: that's exactly the kind of thing I wanted to talk about Mm-Hmm.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: because the what I did with my children.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: Let's say, um, they were unhappy about something.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: or something hurt their feelings.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Or they felt rejected.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: Well, I didn't want them to feel that.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:05
  Cheryl: And so I thought the good thing to do for them is to look at all the positive things and say, well, I love you and don't feel bad about that.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: Don't feel sad.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: I've said that to my children so many times.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: Don't feel sad.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: So it kind of did what you're talking about, the coping mechanism of, um, toxic happiness, or let's look on the sunny side of it instead of.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: Dealing with the negative and the positive of something.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: And that's really not healthy.
• 8:35
  Christie: Right.
• 8:36
  Christie: And it might be for different reasons.
• 8:38
  Christie: Your reason sounds very lovely and nurturing and motherly.
• 8:42
  Christie: Mine was more selfish.
• 8:44
  Christie: It just wanted to control the chaos.
• 8:45
  Christie: I didn't want anyone upset because my girls are very loud, upset people.
• 8:52
  Christie: And so my idea was to, I think, impulsively control the emotions in the room So that I Didn't have to mess with the the chaos of it all and so it's different different reasons for different people
• 9:05
  Cheryl: Okay, but even more than all of this.
• 9:08
  Cheryl: I want us to go to something and you'll know it has to do with two ducks It's how you teach it to your children but it's actually called the psychologist called there's a big word, emotional paradox, or they use the bigger word, ambivalence, but the ambivalence and paradox.
• 9:26
  Cheryl: It's when two things look self contradicting each other, but they're actually true.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: Okay, let me give an application of it.
• 9:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: Um, and then how we should deal with it.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: And I will tell you, honestly, from my life, this is why I love this, because I carried around guilt, huge shame, and I hid this, I never would admit it to anybody, and it's these two feelings.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: I absolutely adore my children.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: I would have given each one, both my kidneys, both my lungs, my heart, my liver, my eyes.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: I gave my life to them.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: I really love them.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: But a lot of times I go, I can't stand them.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: I'm so frustrated with them.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: I don't enjoy them.
• 10:17
  Cheryl: Right now I'm enjoying the fact they're not with me and I don't have to deal with them.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: So that paradox, that conflict, I took it totally in me.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: What is wrong with me?
• 10:30
  Cheryl: I can totally relate.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: Self condemnation and I felt so much shame about it.
• 10:35
  Cheryl: I wouldn't tell anybody.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: I didn't admit it because I thought this was a toxic bad way to feel.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: And enter this wonderful thing of emotional paradox.
• 10:47
  Cheryl: And you're agreeing with me because I think he felt that way.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 10:51
  Christie: absolutely.
• 10:52
  Christie: I mean, I, I still feel that way a million times over for different reasons.
• 10:56
  Christie: We just finished the holiday season.
• 10:58
  Christie: And as much fun as it is, I'm still exhausted from all of the work.
• 11:03
  Christie: And you know, like, I love my kids.
• 11:05
  Christie: I love having everyone around.
• 11:07
  Christie: I love all the fun and excitement, but I am tired and I'm tired of serving people and I don't wanna do these things for other people that maybe don't appreciate it, and all of these feelings that can conflict and
• 11:19
  Cheryl: contradict.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Yes, Okay.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: This negative feeling about something you think you're supposed to be all positive about.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: Did you ever have the courage to talk about it to anybody in most of your years of parenting?
• 11:30
  Christie: No, because you, you, like you said, you feel so much shame that you feel the negative emotions.
• 11:36
  Christie: I shouldn't feel this way.
• 11:38
  Christie: other mothers serve their children with joy and, and I should be doing the same.
• 11:42
  Christie: I shouldn't dread getting up and making breakfast in
• 11:45
  Cheryl: the morning.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: And I want to bring truth to this because
• 11:49
  Cheryl (2): what we were doing is not healthy.
• 11:51
  Cheryl (2): And it's this.
• 11:53
  Cheryl (2): Emotional paradox that what psychologists say it's when we have actually the healthiness that I can look at that and say I do feel negative and positive about this, and I don't feel bad about that, that I can see I love my children, but I don't like my children, and instead of being negative about it, I can hold those two things in a healthy way and not come away condemned, and instead of hurting my identity and my self worth, I actually feel safe.
• 12:33
  Christie: Yeah, and that both can be true.
• 12:35
  Christie: One does not negate the other.
• 12:37
  Christie: That's exactly right.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: And then to be able to admit it.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: And sometimes it takes me a while before I can work up to realizing.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: Oh, I feel, feel, not think.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: I feel two ways about
• 12:52
  Christie: this.
• 12:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:54
  Christie: Yeah, I'm going through that right now.
• 12:56
  Christie: Our youngest is graduating this year and I've been in this seven year release season that you've walked with me through and it's definitely been a grief from the first one graduating to the last and, and it's got layers and, and I'm.
• 13:11
  Christie: Finally to a place where I am excited for the next season of life, but I'm still grieving Giving up those years of my kids at home and and there is some guilt and shame every time I think oh I'm gonna you know get to live some freedom in my life that I haven't had in the last two decades Because it feels, I have to remind myself of what you're saying, that both can be true.
• 13:37
  Christie: I can be excited and miss what the days used to
• 13:41
  Cheryl: hold.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: See, and the healthiness of it is that I could admit it.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: Without taking shame on it, and embrace it.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: I can embrace this, uh, what do you call that?
• 13:58
  Cheryl: The rub?
• 13:58
  Cheryl: Yeah, the rub that these two things are conflicting against each other, but it's okay.
• 14:05
  Cheryl: It's okay.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: and
• 14:06
  Christie: Matter of fact
• 14:06
  Cheryl: it's better than okay.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: It's healthy.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: Yeah, appropriate.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: Appropriate's a good word.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: Well
• 14:11
  Christie: And I'm thinking if we are feeling this as grown adult women, how much more do we think our children may feel conflicted with these emotions?
• 14:22
  Christie: And especially children that are maybe hearing from their mamas, Hey, buck up.
• 14:27
  Christie: It's going to be a good day.
• 14:29
  Christie: Let's look at the positive that maybe my children heard from
• 14:32
  Cheryl: me.
• 14:32
  Cheryl: Or, no, don't feel that way.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: You know, you are exactly right.
• 14:37
  Christie: And so our kids, our kids need to see and hear that from us.
• 14:41
  Christie: Yes.
• 14:41
  Christie: We have to work on our own emotional health to get to a place.
• 14:45
  Christie: And you know, I feel a little behind in the game on this.
• 14:48
  Christie: Because I, I didn't have that for a lot of years to give my kids.
• 14:51
  Christie: And now that my kids are young adults, I do hear from them often, their thoughts on how I could have handled things better.
• 14:58
  Christie: But, um, you know, we have a good friend and she says, you can't give what you don't have.
• 15:03
  Christie: And that's very true if, in emotional health.
• 15:07
  Christie: So it's important that we work on these things for ourselves because our kids, it doesn't come naturally.
• 15:13
  Christie: They have to be encouraged and taught in these
• 15:15
  Cheryl: directions.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: want to tell you an example of that, but also say, I've gone back to my children.
• 15:21
  Cheryl: I've apologized and said, I didn't do that.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: And I'm sorry, because I was stuck.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: I didn't know I could feel yay and yuck about the same thing.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: And that holding both of those.
• 15:35
  Cheryl: It's in that tension.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: It's the healthy way, right?
• 15:38
  Cheryl: And you just said we have to be there first.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: Let me give you an example of what's just recently happened.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: You know, I have the honor that a lot of different women come and process things with me.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: And I recently had two different moms come at different times and We spent hours and they were crying and upset and struggling in their parenting.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: And then as they process and talk more, they were talking about how they're having a struggle in their marriage.
• 16:10
  Cheryl: And just, it's really a mess and it's bleeding over into all of their lives.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: And then, as we just talked um, I realized what's happened is it's all affected their self worth and their own personal identity.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: And so they're not in an good place personally to start going, okay, first you need to put a schedule and then you need to do this and then you and your husband need to work on your communication skills.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: All of that stuff I think the place they really need to start first because they needed to get.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: Some emotional health because of the condemnation and again, it was their self worth.
• 16:50
  Cheryl: Yeah was really damaged and So that we talked about that getting some help Someone safe to process with to have some counseling and to do some other things because just what you said Let's get us healthy so that we can give away something that we really care about to our kids.
• 17:10
  Christie: Well, I'm looking at this on, um, this note and some of the material on, on the, uh, emotional ambivalence and it says when emotional ambivalence is welcomed, normalized, and embraced.
• 17:24
  Christie: Wow.
• 17:25
  Christie: I love that.
• 17:26
  Christie: And it goes on to talk about the, the benefits and self understanding is one of the things on, on here.
• 17:33
  Christie: Self confidence.
• 17:35
  Christie: And self worth, like you're saying, and, and I think if we could So normalize and embrace this idea that bad feelings can, can live in the same space as good feelings for our kids, then it's going to create a culture of freedom for them.
• 17:51
  Christie: But we also have to live in that culture of freedom ourselves and say, These emotions are real and valid and okay to
• 18:00
  Cheryl: have.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: And we don't cover up the bad with the good trying to get away.
• 18:06
  Cheryl: We don't let the bad become toxic and overwhelm.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: This is so good.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: Okay, so, listeners, you can't see too bad.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: This is not a video.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: Recording today because I'm holding in my hand two cute little animals and they are two ducks because I'm going to talk about how I found little
• 18:26
  Christie: rubber ducks, little rubber ducks, I'm sorry, not real animals live in the Studio that kind of show.
• 18:33
  Christie: Oh one.
• 18:34
  Christie: Yeah, that
• 18:34
  Cheryl: one squeaks So they're ones you could have in the bathtub.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: They're little tiny ones and you can get'em different places and one's really cute and yellow and the other's got black stuff scribbled all over it.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: Okay, so this came from really great teaching that, uh, somebody I know went to.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: And because paradox is a very hard concept to understand, these are a pair of ducks.
• 18:58
  Cheryl: Clever.
• 18:59
  Cheryl: So the yellow one, the cleaned up one, is called the yay duck.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: And the scratched on, messed up one is called the yuck duck.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: And so this is how you want to teach it, is, I can feel yay duck and yuck duck about the same things.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: And I'd love the idea that we embrace and learn how to hold both of them and see actually when you're doing with children, if you physically have this, you can hand it to them.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Or if I had an adult in my home And I knew them well enough as appropriate, I might hand them both of them and say, so what's the yay duck and yuck duck you're feeling?
• 19:36
  Cheryl: Um, and that was like, even with those moms the other day, there wasn't time to get in all that.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: But what they were expressing was they just are feeling the weight of not being yay duck all the time to not feeling yay duck about their family and marriage and all of that so, um, let me give you an example of this.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: So I had learned about this teaching and knew, um, that some of my grandchildren at the time had already been exposed to it.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: It was just me and the three of them, and we were just eating lunch.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: And so the older one said, Gaia, come here, and pulled me aside and she said, I really
• 20:15
  Cheryl (2): love my brother and sister, but sometimes I don't like having siblings.
• 20:22
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 20:22
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 20:23
  Cheryl (2): I mean, Oh, man, that is articulate that Articulate this emotional ambivalence, and so I said
• 20:32
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: I really understand It's really a yah duck and a yuck duck and she looked at me and said yes, it is Wow, how impressed I was for the high level of processing for her to be able to realize.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Oh, I feel these two ways.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: About the same
• 20:53
  Christie: thing.
• 20:54
  Christie: And that when she did articulate that to you, first of all, that she felt the freedom to do it.
• 20:58
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:59
  Christie: But then that it was validated.
• 21:01
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:01
  Christie: You validated that for her, going back to the name it, to tame it from a whole brain child, you were able to help her name those fe Well, she was naming them pretty well by herself, but you were able to validate them and she felt seen.
• 21:17
  Christie: And she felt heard and validated.
• 21:20
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: And I'm so glad I knew to do that.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Because if it had been my children, we would have had a talk about how you love your siblings and they're so much fun.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: And you shouldn't feel that way.
• 21:34
  Cheryl: And I didn't know And instead of just being Two different ideas.
• 21:39
  Cheryl: She was holding complex emotions at the same time and verbalizing it.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: So this is what I'd like you all, as parents, I hope that we've been able to explain it.
• 21:51
  Cheryl: I'm on the bandwagon on this.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: So with all my grandchildren, I talk about it all the time.
• 21:57
  Cheryl: For example, sharing is a place where there's a lot of childhood conflict, particularly among siblings, and so when we have an issue, um, After they've calmed down, a lot of times I'll start giving the words of it's really hard to share, isn't it?
• 22:15
  Cheryl: Instead of going, boy, you're bad.
• 22:17
  Cheryl: Why don't you share because you love your sister?
• 22:19
  Cheryl: But to start talking about the emotions.
• 22:22
  Cheryl: That is so good, Cheryl.
• 22:24
  Cheryl: And then to get to, you know, it's kind of a yay duck and a yuck duck if they know those terms.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: So we can kind of get to it and go, yes, it is.
• 22:34
  Christie: Yeah, I just, I think of so many times that I, I said to my kids, just what you're saying.
• 22:39
  Christie: Don't you want to share with your sister?
• 22:40
  Christie: Don't you love your sister?
• 22:42
  Christie: Don't you want to be kind to your sister?
• 22:44
  Christie: And this is just such a Healthier approach, isn't it?
• 22:48
  Christie: Come at it from, I see you struggling to share with her right now, because I know sometimes I don't wanna share with other people.
• 22:55
  Christie: I don't want to give of my time to someone else.
• 22:58
  Christie: I didn't want to give of my time to you today, Yes.
• 23:01
  Christie: You know, just being honest.
• 23:02
  Christie: Not you, my children.
• 23:03
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:04
  Christie: But I, you know, just being honest with your kids of, I know how that feels.
• 23:08
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:09
  Christie: And I can sit in that with you for a minute and just acknowledge the hard feelings of it.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: I see is so good.
• 23:16
  Cheryl: I hope we've been able to explain it well enough,
• 23:18
  Christie: Well, and I, I'm thinking too, going back to you know, we started talking about how we do this in practical places in life and with like cost benefit ratio.
• 23:28
  Christie: Really in this moment, when you're teaching kids to, you know, you're validating the negative feeling, they're having to realize, yes, there is this negative feeling, and there is this positive feeling like, I, I do love my sister.
• 23:47
  Christie: And that's motivating to want to share with them.
• 23:50
  Christie: So there's some overlap there with how we handle practical experiences.
• 23:55
  Christie: And then the emotional, it really is overlapped.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: Well, Maybe that that's a conversation to start realizing this is a yah duck and a yuck duck because a whole lot of life is yah duck and a yuck duck.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: In fact, it's real fun with you now that we have that as part of our culture and our jargon.
• 24:16
  Cheryl: You would just go, Oh, it was a real Yukduk.
• 24:18
  Christie: Yes, it's so true.
• 24:20
  Christie: And, and there's.
• 24:22
  Christie: You know some yay ducks too, but it's easier to be able to just acknowledge.
• 24:27
  Christie: This is hard.
• 24:28
  Christie: This is a hard thing.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: I just didn't allow a yuck duck.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: I didn't know it was allowed.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: And then now to go, boy, you know, to begin that processing.
• 24:37
  Cheryl: And then I think the yay duck and the yuck duck can be a way, even when you have older children, that you can have it in the family culture and then maybe even have the ducks around somewhere so that maybe your teen comes in and throws them at you while I'm really feeling yuck duck about this.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: Which is a way of introducing that conversation.
• 24:58
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:59
  Christie: Well, and I love that you say when it's appropriate to point someone to the yay duck because I think that's the whole thing is this is a pair of ducks but sometimes the pair needs to be separated a little bit.
• 25:11
  Christie: You know, sometimes you have to wait a while before you point someone towards the yay duck.
• 25:16
  Christie: They need, they need some time to sit and grieve and get that.
• 25:20
  Christie: And
• 25:21
  Cheryl: even like when I was saying what I do with my grands, going, oh, it is really hard to share.
• 25:26
  Cheryl: I'm validating the yukduk, and then hopefully maybe we can get around to the other, um, I have just seen this as a practical, uh, just for me, if I never taught it to my children.
• 25:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: For me to carry yay duck and yuck duck and let all the people in my life have yay ducks and yuck ducks.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: It
• 25:46
  Christie: is a really, just a really great tool.
• 25:48
  Christie: I wish, like always, when we finish the podcast, I always think I wish I could go back and re raise my kiddos.
• 25:54
  Cheryl: But you can introduce it into your family culture now and it will be different.
• 25:58
  Cheryl: Definitely.
• 25:59
  Cheryl: That opportunity, so that Your children have the chance, and your spouse, you have the chance of having this high level emotional health in a cute little yay duck and yuck duck conversation.
• 26:12
  Cheryl: So good.
• 26:14
  Cheryl: So, parents, we'd love to hear from you.
• 26:17
  Cheryl: If you watch on social media, we'll probably have a picture of our Yeyduck and Yuckduck.
• 26:21
  Cheryl: We always love to hear from you.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: We want to walk with you through the yay ducks and yuck ducks of parenting Yes.
• 26:31
  Cheryl: and because it is ambivalent, because life and parenting itself are paradoxical, we would both tell you to hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 26:50
  As we conclude this TPP session, I really want to express my genuine gratitude to all of you who have shared this moment with us.
• 26:59
  Together, those duck companions, yay duck and yuck duck embody the intricate dance of emotions that we navigate in parenting well in life.
• 27:12
  And as I shared personally, I have found this very effective and helpful to me.
• 27:18
  Now, before you go, here's a simple yet powerful reflection.
• 27:23
  Can you focus on just one yayduck, yuckduck struggle in your own life this week?
• 27:32
  It's a pentastic tool for emotional health and self awareness.
• 27:36
  Now let's take it a step further.
• 27:39
  Consider introducing our duck friends to your children.
• 27:43
  Grab two little squeaky plastic ducks, guff up one with a marker for that hands on illustration, and then afterwards, share with us how it goes.
• 27:54
  Your input shapes our episodes.
• 27:56
  So connect with us on our website, socials, or by text at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 28:04
  com.
• 28:06
  Looking ahead, our next episode circles back to our conversations on handling parental burnout.
• 28:13
  Tune in as we explore practical suggestions and ideas to nurture your well being in this area.
• 28:20
  Until our next chat, take care, and let's keep navigating this adventure together on The Parenting Podcast.