Latest / Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach and Donald / Jillian Turecki, Relationships are Projection

Transcript

Jillian Turecki, Relationships are Projection · Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach and Donald

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Now I'm ready to make some magic.
• 0:01
  Speaker 2: Okay, well, let's make some magic. Then hold on, how
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: you doing.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: What's going on with Daniel? We can't all fucking ever
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: meet together on this.
• 0:09
  Speaker 3: Sorry, he's got responsibilities in New York. Do you want
• 0:12
  Speaker 3: to take care.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Of Well, let me tell you something. Back in the day, Joelle,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: we used to have perfect attendance on this podcast.
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: It's your fault. They gave us more responsibility. Like all
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: you guys are still good with those guys, here's additional responsibilities.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: That's what happens on TV shows. By the way, Bill
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: was telling me, He says, the reason TV shows are
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: so good at the beginning is you get an amazing
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: group of writers, and then the show gets popular, and
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: then every single writer gets poached off to go make
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: their own thing, which is good for them, give everybody
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: their flowers. But then the show takes a downturn because
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: you lost the original amazing posse that made the show great.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: You're wondering why your favorite show changed, It's because it
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: got too popular and all the writers got poached.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I'm just going through that right now, big time. The
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Marvel Cinematic Universe. Everybody is leaving that bad boy, Yo.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: What do you mean what do you lose any actors.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Or the resident the executives, the creatives. All of them
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: are either leaving and or you know, being pushed aside.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: I'm very interested to see what happens with that. Like
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: trying to recreate what they did in the first ten
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: years and do it again and then and the ten
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: years that follow is going to be very difficult.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: They're just going to look. I think they're going to
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: bring everybody back. All those people are going to make
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: offers they can't refuse, and then little by little you'll
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: have the whole og squad. I'm talking about actors.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: No, I feel that.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: No, I think I feel like they're going to bring
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: all the actors back too, and they will make offers
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: that they can't refuse. I mean Chris, Yeah.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I'm sure Scarlett. They're going to do something with Scarlet.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: There's no figure it out. They'll figure it out.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: Got that dressed, Park, We kin.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: We got a lot to talk about before.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know where to begin. I mean, I don't
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: even know where to begin.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: First of all, all right, I'll tell you where we
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: can Where.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Could we possibly we haven't done this? And how long, Joelle,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: we haven't gathered.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: A month, I think a full month.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: City the city almost burned to the ground. So we
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: audience were taping this on the twenty eighth of January,
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: and we had to take a pause obviously because of
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: the fires, which we're devastating here and very scary. And
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: this is the.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: First time, Joanni on that day, Bro, and we have
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: scheduled the day and fire started. Yeah, we were talking
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: about it on the show. How I could see the
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: smoke over the hill. Let me tell you something, that
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: shit got point eight miles away from me. Not only that,
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: the night after we spoke to Johnny, eight five something
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: like eight fires erupted all over California. It was ridiculous.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: You had to evacuate your house too.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Bro, Yes, In fact, what was crazy, he was. I
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: was housing the Lawrence family Bill. Bill's family was very
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: close to the Palisades fire, and so I said, come
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: to my place please, cause I wanted to rescue them,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: and I had the bedroom. So they came to mind.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: And then we were sitting down to dinner and we
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: obviously glued to the TV like everyone, and we look
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: up and Runyon Canyon is on fire. Now, Runying Canyon
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: is very close to me, and we were like, we
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: got to get the fuck out of here. We were
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: running out of places to go, so I offered, yeah,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: you did, you did, and we ended up going to
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Andrew Watts Studio because it was deep in the valley,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: and we kind of went there and regrouped to just
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: be like where do we go now? Because all the
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: hotel rooms were taken. It was really scary both But
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: you know, for those of you who don't know La,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: the worst fire is the Altadena fire, and the past
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: and the Palisades fire the pretty far from each other.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: So two different areas that are really far apart from
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: each other were burning to the ground.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: Wiped out.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: We thought we were safe in where I lived, but
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: then the third big one started and thank god, the
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: firefighters were able to put that run fire out real quick,
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: and I was only we were only evacuated for a night.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Here it got real dicey where I was, like, this
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: fire was so close that at nighttime it seemed like
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I was surrounded by like an orange glow, and that
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: got really scary. And then every neighborhood in my vicinity
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: got evacuated except for my little you know, when you
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: go to watch duty. Every section around my little section
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: got evacuated, and it just seemed like, oh, we're going
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: to get evacuated. Next, we packed the car up, we
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: packed all of our pets.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: How are you going to go?
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: We were trying to figure it out. It seemed like
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: everywhere you could go, there was a fire blazing, you
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: know what I mean.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Or well, I told you, worst case scenario, just come
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: to my house and we'll put you on couches.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: They had just put that fire out in your neighbor
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: I mean, in your area, you know what I mean.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: And so that was it was, you know, it was dicey.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: You know. Some people fled to Palm Spring, some people
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: fled to other friends' houses. Look, I know a lot
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: of people as well as you do, that have lost
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: their everything. You know what I mean. It's kind of crazy.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: It's like you pick four people, right, and you know
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: four people that have lost all of their stuff. They
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: know four people and more that have lost all of
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: their stuff, whether it be their neighbors or people who
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: lived in the area.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my friend lost everything everything, he said, he said.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: The hardest thing is like, you know so much, it
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: is hard to grasp, he said. But the hardest thing
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: is that everything his kids have ever had, their favorite
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: stuffed animal, their favorite toy, their their a they got
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: on their paper in class, anything that they have any
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: memory of or growing up is gone.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: It was nuts, man, it was nuts. But thankfully the
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: firefighters were able to contain both fires. You know, it's
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: it's it's really amazing how California came together. People went
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: out and donated their clothes and donated food and donated water.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: And you know how badass to those those those fire
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: men and women, I mean those those those the ones
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: in the chopper, I mean all of them period, so
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: brave and just we just owe so much gratitude to them.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: But watching those those videos of those planes and choppers
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: dumping water and those pilots flying into the smoke and fire,
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: it's just.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: These cansa doing millennium Falcon moves in D sixteens and
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: shit like that. Man, it was like, holy cow. Bro.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Like now when you play you know, when you watch
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: study app for those who don't know, watch Dudy' is
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: this wildfire app that everyone in LA downloaded because it
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: showed you where the fires were. And then there's another
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: tier which I paid for, which it shows you exactly
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: where every firefighting aircraft was, which was really cool because
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: you could see like, oh, that's where they're throwing all
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: the attention. That must be the worst spot right there.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: It was really fascinating and just so incredibly how I'm
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: blown away by how brave these men and women are.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's amazing. It's it truly was amazing to see.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: How buy me the other day and in my neighborhood,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I was like a kid. I was like, I was
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: no different than a five year old. I was like
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: thumbs up. I was like I was like doing like
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: the fake bow. I was like doing this fucking thing
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: where you cheer on both sides of your head. I'm
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: sure that everyone has that response to them, but I
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: wanted to like hug them because my house survived. Yeah.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: The crazy thing is is that people that did lose
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: homes are having a hard time finding new places to
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: live to rent, and they're prices and prices are gouged
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: and everything.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean people are that's going to be I
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: don't know where else people are gonna live. It's so crazy.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Let's move on to another talk about other topics. Go ahead.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: How about the Skeleton Crew. What a what a way
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: back Star Wars. Way to go, Star Wars.
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: You did it.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: You came back from the depths of I'm drooling. That's
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: how much I loved it. It came back from the
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: depths of I don't know if I want to watch
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Star Wars anymore. To now Star Wars is back. I
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: don't think they need to do anything else with any
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: other characters.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: This show.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Let me finish, let me let me finish. They should
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: focus on those four characters.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: The kids.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: That's the new group of Star Wars. That's the new
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: Star Wars. Right there, we had luke Lea, and Han
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: and Chewie. Now we got whim freaking U and the
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: rest of them. Let's stay there.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Bro, that was fired, okay, Joel, do you feel the
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: same as a Star Wars devote.
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: It's wonderful that Star Wars is turned to its roots,
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: which is to make entertainment for to.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Use your volume and get all your.
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: So I'm showing.
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: I enjoy it.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: It's magical.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I think I have a theory that Joel is on
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: another podcast and she has to play a different character
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: on that podcast. I'm going to be and then she
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: forgets to switch to high energy silly Joel. When she
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: comes on.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: This one, the code switch back to the hyperactive version.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: You want to get over here, Okay, I'm gonna work up.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: I think Star Wars' best decision was that they cast
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: you Law. That guy is magical and he does such
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: a good job of being both the sparkling, winking character
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: and also genuinely terrifying at some points, and to be
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: able to do both is really challenging, but to do
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: both in like seconds of each other is masterful. Uh yeah,
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: I think we're gonna see whim in the ray series.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: That seems to be the prevailing thought.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: They did a good job.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: It was fun. I was entertained.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I think kids really like it.
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: They needed kids to come back to Star Wars, so
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: that's a positive. Androids around the corner. So it looks
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: like things are coming up good for Star Wars.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I'll watch you andor yeah you will, fucking I gotta
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: say it. I'm watching a new show for those of
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: you who don't care about Star Wars. It's so good.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: It's called The Pit.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: Oh exact, you know, it's compared to they say, if
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: you like The Pit you'll love Scrubs, that's what they say.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Well, no, you're not serious. The Pit.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: I'm serious.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Well the Pit, just those are don't on the premise.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: First of all, Noah Wiley is back. I don't know
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: why he was gone for so long. He is such
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: a good actor. And the premise of The Pit is
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: it's fifteen episodes, and each episode is an hour of
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: this doctor's life in a very intense er in Pittsburgh,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: and so he's the lead doctor in the Er, and
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: all of these stories are unfolding, and every episode is
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: an hour in real time. And it is so good.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: The acting is excellent, the characters are excellent, the stories
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: are so intriguing. You feel like it's building and building
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: and building to something. I highly highly recommend it. I
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: wish there were more. I wish I could binge it.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: They're doing that fucking thing where it comes out every week.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I need them, I need them.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: I'm very happy man, me too.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: He's a very fucking actor.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Not only that, man, you know, he was the guy
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: from Er for a really long time and to find
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: a way to shed that character.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Well he is back to playing an er doctor. But
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: I didn't watch R but I don't know that it's
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: the same character. But he's such a fine actor.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: He is well deservant. There's that word again.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: He's deserve So we ever just decide if that's a
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: word or not.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: George, it's in the dictionary now it's in our dictionary,
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: because it's in our dictionary. But he is well deservant
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: of the of the hype, of the accolades, of the
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: of the mount of viewership that show is getting because
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: he is a very very fine actor. As you see
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: he is he is.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: And I gotta say I always root for people when
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: they somehow go away for whatever reason. I'm not saying
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: he wasn't working. I mean, I don't mean to say
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: he wasn't. I'm sure he was. But now he's back
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: in a very high profile HBO Max show. And I
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: always he's one of those actors that I go God,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I love watching him. He's so interesting. I root for him.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: There was a reason Er was great, and it wasn't
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: just George Clooney. He had a lot to do with it.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: A lot.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: Well, this is John Wells as as well, Joelle. Didn't
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: he create Er?
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: I believe. Let me just double check that factory.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: They're a good they're a good team. Put those two
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: in a hospital The R Show, and I'm in. I
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: never really watched The R to be honest. I know
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: it's extremely popular because it's been on for seventy five years,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: but this is a different take, and I think actually
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Scrubs fans who are listening you will love it because
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: obviously there's no comedy, but it's a I'm sure a
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: very very accurate telling of what it's like for these
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: people in an inner city trauma center. It's just so
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: realistic to me for someone who pretended to be a
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: doctor for a while. And it's a teaching hospital just
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: like Scrubs was, So you're seeing them try and attend
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: to all the patients but at the same time trying
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: to educate the younger kids. And I don't know, I
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: just find it fascinating. Fascinating.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: Okay, So Michael Crichton created er, is that correct?
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: John Wells had nothing to do with the R.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying you had nothing to do with it,
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: but I think Michael Crichton created it.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: That is.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: John Wells I think was associated with it, but I
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: could be wrong. I've been wrong seven times in my life.
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: Hey, Okay, so let's move on.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: What's the next topic, Donald, I'm still sober. Oh, I
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: got a dust off my slender supplause button.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I could hear it, but okay,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. I did have a drink or
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: two while out eating sushi, okay, But for the most part,
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: how are you feeling? You know? What sucks is that
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: the appetite has come back and I didn't think and
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: I didn't even without ganja, even without ganja, I'm eating
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: more now than I did when I was smoking weed.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: And that's the crazy thing.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Is how's your workouts going?
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: I work out, you know, it's not every day. It
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: should be every day. I'm fifty, so I should be
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: working out every day. But I work out. It's still
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: But I think the amount of food I'm consuming, you know,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: bypasses and shuts. Yeah, you're getting too many calories, way
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: too many calories.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Is there a way you can, since you're on a
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: roll with everything else, is there a way you can,
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: you know, get it, get onto a good habit with
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: with not overeating.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: I think there is. I you know, I thought it
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: was cooking at home. It just so happens. That I
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: cook a lot of food and eat that ship. You know.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I saw you posts like fried chicken or something.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: I made that ship and it was good. Baby. Let
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: me tell you something. That ship was good. Look at it.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: I'm getting titties and everything. That ship was good.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I don't play with them while we're while we're shooting
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: this video on this now, no one wants you know.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: That's the that's that's the sign of you doing the
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: right thing. When your woman does this, when you're hitting it,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: you're doing the right things.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: For those grabbing his breasts and playing with his nipples,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: I'll have to ask if that's what.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Uh, let's not do that. I don't do that. I
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: don't think. But yeah, man, that's what I'm.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: Proud of you. That's very good I am. I'm I'm
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: doing pretty good myself. I took a tiny break because
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: I went skiing and I had a couple of drinks skiing,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: But but I'm for the most part continuing my mostly
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: boozless twenty five.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: Good for you, nice, stay sober.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: Well. I'd feel so much better when I don't put
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: that shit in my body personally.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm noticing now when I eat shitty food.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Now I feel bad after eating shitty food, like my
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: body doesn't respond to it.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: Well, your body doesn't want that shit.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that these are things I'm learning.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: I went skiing, which was a lot of fun. I
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: went to We were at Sundance, but we didn't really
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: go to much Sundance stuff because the secret trick about
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: Sundance if you don't have a movie there and you're
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: not going to see movies, is that the ski mountains
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: are empty so you can ski and all the people
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: are at the fest. So I did pretty good for
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: a guy who skis once or twice a year. I
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: think I'm pretty decent.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Cross country downhill.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Were talking downhill downhill skiing along with a bunch of folks,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: you know, Donald.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: All White obviously, because.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: That's just really fun being clever. And Michelle came.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: Michelle went, can she skate?
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: She didn't ski, but she came.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah exactly. She was like, I'm gonna hang out. I'm
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: gonna hang out, but I ain't going out in that
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: cold ass weather.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: She had fits for days.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: I bet she did.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I bet you could see the fits.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: You know, you know how I feel about the Selle
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: Michelle Fine.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, she is fine, and she has a lot of fits,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: so she she came prepared with Every time we went out,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: she had a better fit on them than I was,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: just like sweatpants anything.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: She was like, no, no, no, this is my skiing outfit.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: You're going no, but.
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: Here, guys, all right.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: That's invite Jillian stories.
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: I'm not sure we made about a bunch of nurses.
• 18:18
  Speaker 4: I said, he's a story. So YadA ra do here,
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: yeada here.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: Jillian to Reki is an extremely gifted, wise woman when
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: it comes to dating advice. I just want to start
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: off by saying, if you are trying to date or
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: looking for love and all the wrong places, you should
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: be following Jillian Toreki on Instagram because she drops knowledge
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: bombs all day long. Welcome back to the program, Jillian.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Like I was saying, you fucked him up?
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Well, how are you? How did how did she funck
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: me up? I mean I was trying to amaze her advice.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: And you did and it was in a good way,
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. It was like you went
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: from not really you know, not really certain on what
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: it was you wanted or how you wanted it and
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: all of that stuff to being very specific. You were
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: very specific, and you were very specific about your actions too.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Now, Jillian has a new book, your first book, right, Yeah,
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: it's my first book, your first book, and it's called
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: It Begins with You.
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: If you're dating, if you're out there, if you're dispirited,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: if you're frustrated, I highly recommend getting this book. I'm
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: going to read it myself.
• 19:36
  Speaker 5: Or even if you're in a relationship or a marriage.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, because it helps you keep it going in a
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: successful way, or it.
• 19:43
  Speaker 5: Just helps you if you're having any sort of relationship issue,
• 19:46
  Speaker 5: if you're in a relationship and struggling, as well as
• 19:49
  Speaker 5: if you're dating.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: I like the title because I believe in that. I
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: think one of the things that Donald's alluding to is
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: that I had to look at how I was behaving
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: in terms of how I was showing up and how
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: I was communicating. Because for personally, I think one of
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: my biggest I'll just share openly right off the bat
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: is I get afraid to speak my mind and what
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: I'm really feeling, and I hold it in and I
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: walk on eggshells and I don't want to cause a problem,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: and then I hold in all these feelings. And then
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: someone told me a great quote which was that anger
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: it turns into resentment when you hold it inside, and
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: then resentment held in for too long turns into depression.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: And that really kind of landed with me because I
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: was just being a whim about communicating. Right, I'll let
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: you take it from there. But that's the title of
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: your book. It begins with you.
• 20:45
  Speaker 5: Yeah, So bravo for I mean, the whole point is
• 20:50
  Speaker 5: to kind of I want to encourage people to find
• 20:55
  Speaker 5: the courage to look in the mirror and ask themselves
• 21:01
  Speaker 5: the really difficult question, how might I be contributing to
• 21:05
  Speaker 5: that which I say I don't want? And that that
• 21:10
  Speaker 5: can be applied to every aspect of life. I specifically
• 21:13
  Speaker 5: apply it to romantic relationships. And so you know, we
• 21:19
  Speaker 5: all have our stuff. We none of us go into
• 21:22
  Speaker 5: a relationship perfect. We all have we all are afraid
• 21:27
  Speaker 5: that we're not enough in some way. And that is
• 21:30
  Speaker 5: not that fear isn't the same for everyone. It exists
• 21:34
  Speaker 5: on the spectrum, but there's no place other than a
• 21:39
  Speaker 5: romantic situation, a relationship or dating scenario where we are
• 21:44
  Speaker 5: not going to be confronted with that fear that somehow
• 21:48
  Speaker 5: we are not enough more. That's where it's going to happen.
• 21:52
  Speaker 5: So you know, when you refer to I hold it in.
• 21:56
  Speaker 5: First of all, that's a very that's a very common
• 21:59
  Speaker 5: NT narrative with men. It's not I mean women do
• 22:03
  Speaker 5: it too, but I do notice a lot of men
• 22:05
  Speaker 5: in relationships there's a there's a fear of disappointing. There's
• 22:10
  Speaker 5: a fear of if I express my feelings, am I
• 22:14
  Speaker 5: going to look like a whimp, you know? Or am
• 22:18
  Speaker 5: I going to be heard or understood. We all want
• 22:22
  Speaker 5: to be heard and understood, and so this idea of well,
• 22:26
  Speaker 5: I don't express my feelings, so I walk around on
• 22:28
  Speaker 5: eggshells like typically, and I would imagine this is the
• 22:32
  Speaker 5: case for you, and for a lot of people. We'll say,
• 22:34
  Speaker 5: well then it's the other person, right, And look, you
• 22:37
  Speaker 5: may be one might be in a relationship where the
• 22:40
  Speaker 5: other person is more of the problem. It's I don't
• 22:43
  Speaker 5: really love this platitude that's out there, like, yes the
• 22:46
  Speaker 5: problem is me, you know, from a Taylor Swift song
• 22:48
  Speaker 5: or whatever. But it's just that if you want you
• 22:53
  Speaker 5: have to be the change that you want to see
• 22:55
  Speaker 5: in your relationships. So what are your patterns what are
• 22:58
  Speaker 5: your patterns from how you choose to how you show up?
• 23:01
  Speaker 5: And by the way, here's some really important insight for you.
• 23:05
  Speaker 5: Everything that you do in a relationship that you're like,
• 23:08
  Speaker 5: maybe I shouldn't be doing that, you're doing it because
• 23:11
  Speaker 5: you don't want to lose love. So the intention is
• 23:14
  Speaker 5: always pure. The intention is always to self protect and
• 23:19
  Speaker 5: to self preserve.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of times for me, it's that
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to cause waves
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: I had. You know, my father had quite a temper
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: when I was a child, and I think I have
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: some trauma from arguing. Not that not that I hit.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: My relationships are on the level of arguments, are on
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: the level of my father screaming at me as a child.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: But I think that one thing I've sort of looked
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: at in therapy is really wanting to avoid confrontation just
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: because I had this childhood trauma from even a mild argument,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: even a mild amount of tension, my anxiety rises and
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: then probably obviously applies to other areas of my life.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: But since we're here talking to you about relationships, and
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: so I found when I was taking a look at
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: stuff partially inspired by you, that I yeah, that I
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: was avoiding any kind of even the most mild confrontation,
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: just to not go there and not to have uncomfortable conversations,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: which is so fucking unhealthy because the more you swallow it,
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: the more you keep it inside, you become very resentful
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: to the person. Obviously this applies to friendships and family
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: members as well, but let's talk about relationships. You become
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: resentful to your partner and they haven't really done anything
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: necessarily because you're the one who isn't having the courage
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: to communicate correct.
• 24:42
  Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, and I'll add something else. And this is
• 24:45
  Speaker 5: a really interesting paradox. In your attempt to sort of
• 24:50
  Speaker 5: keep the peace and to not want to create any
• 24:54
  Speaker 5: waves or not have. You know, you want to avoid
• 24:56
  Speaker 5: the confrontation, so you go into a little bit avoidance.
• 25:01
  Speaker 5: You actually become when you do that, unsafe to your partner,
• 25:06
  Speaker 5: because what makes a person safe in a relationship is
• 25:13
  Speaker 5: always always being upfront about where you stand and where
• 25:17
  Speaker 5: the other person stands in your heart. And when you're
• 25:21
  Speaker 5: avoiding the conversations, you are, in your own way, avoiding
• 25:26
  Speaker 5: the truth. And if you avoid the truth, then people
• 25:29
  Speaker 5: can never really feel totally secure with you, because then
• 25:33
  Speaker 5: they think, well, number one, they think, can I can
• 25:37
  Speaker 5: I have an argument with this person and know that
• 25:40
  Speaker 5: it's going to be okay? Can I trust that this
• 25:44
  Speaker 5: person is actually going to tell me how they feel?
• 25:48
  Speaker 5: Or are they just going to tell me what I
• 25:50
  Speaker 5: want to hear? And so these conversations. The way to
• 25:54
  Speaker 5: reframe it is, look, I don't like it. I mean
• 25:57
  Speaker 5: I don't want to have these difficult conversations either, But
• 26:00
  Speaker 5: you do it in service of the relationship. So if
• 26:04
  Speaker 5: you if you stop thinking it from from the perspective of, oh,
• 26:08
  Speaker 5: I'm doing this because I need to speak my truth
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: or I'm doing this because they need to know my needs.
• 26:15
  Speaker 5: If we can remove it from that sort of selfish
• 26:18
  Speaker 5: lens which we tend to know, even the most giving
• 26:22
  Speaker 5: and loving of us can tend to be selfish in
• 26:26
  Speaker 5: these scenarios because we are so afraid. If we can
• 26:30
  Speaker 5: instead say, you know what, what is what is the
• 26:34
  Speaker 5: best thing for my relationship with this person? The truth? Okay?
• 26:38
  Speaker 5: So if I know it's the truth, now it's about
• 26:41
  Speaker 5: how do I deliver it? How do I express it?
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: How?
• 26:44
  Speaker 5: Then there's the art of and the science behind having
• 26:48
  Speaker 5: that conversation.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: A man, that's what I said.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: You know, that's that's that's I find in my relationship.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: We don't have a hard time talking about anything until
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: it turns into the kids, you know what I mean,
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: And we have I think that's where and part of
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: it is like, all right, their kids, and you know,
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: some of these things, they'll grow out of. Some of
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: these things we have to address now. But for some reason,
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: when it gets to the kids, i'm very Maybe it's
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: because I'm afraid to have the conversation about them, but
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: i'm very very okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, whatever, yeah, whatever,
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Whatever you want to do,
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: whatever it is you want to do, let's we'll do that.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: And sometimes it's not what I want to do. But
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: you know, I don't want to fuck my kids up,
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean? And I know she doesn't
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: want to fuck the kids up either, And so.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: So you're saying that you're not are you saying just
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: so I'm clear that you're not fully expressed about what
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: you're feeling about what you want to do with the
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: kids because you're like, I don't want to suck them up.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: I'll just yield to whatever you're saying.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, and that's not healthy. And I know it's
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: not healthy, and I see myself doing it, and it's like,
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: you know, I you know, I get short tempered when
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: we talk about the kids. I get, you know what
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, Like it's a bunch of things.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: It's kind of a similar thing, Donald, It's kind of
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: like avoiding, avoiding something challenging because you're like, I don't
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: I don't want to. I don't want to fuck something up.
• 28:14
  Speaker 5: I mean, what we're all talking about right now is anxiety.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely, you know that's fear and fear of yeah,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: and a fear. I mean, it's very scary. I know.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I know it's different when you're in a marriage. I've
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: never been one, but I think it's very it's very
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: scary to be vulnerable and trust someone on the level
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: that you do when you're in a relationship. And I
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: think that those of us who are anxious folks try
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: and avoid, try and avoid, and that's unhealthy.
• 28:49
  Speaker 5: Uh yeah, it's unhealthy. And you know, it's just it's
• 28:55
  Speaker 5: not helpful, right, And I think it's about seeing it
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: from the other perspective on how that rather than just
• 29:03
  Speaker 5: labeling it as unhealthy, it's let me see how an
• 29:08
  Speaker 5: alternative would actually just benefit everyone and it doesn't actually
• 29:12
  Speaker 5: have to be that scary. Yeah, but yeah, And I
• 29:18
  Speaker 5: think that a lot of people avoid these hard conversations
• 29:21
  Speaker 5: because maybe they're afraid of disappointing someone. I mean, we're
• 29:24
  Speaker 5: all just afraid of disappointing. We're afraid of you know.
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: I don't want anything to disrupt the peace and the flow,
• 29:34
  Speaker 5: So it's just easier for me to just say yes.
• 29:37
  Speaker 5: And look, I mean there's some value to saying yes
• 29:40
  Speaker 5: a lot of the time and not creating a bunch
• 29:43
  Speaker 5: of confrontation. It's a balance.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: You got to pick your time too, you right, Yeah,
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: you do.
• 29:47
  Speaker 5: Yeah. Absolutely.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: My therapist was saying that, like one of the things
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: he does in his relationship is they'll just they'll have
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: a very kind way of saying, now's not the time, obviously,
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: but but when the time is right, let's just clear
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: this up so we don't have this thank thing in
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: the air. And I thought that was really healthy.
• 30:07
  Speaker 5: Yeah it is.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: Let's take a break, we'll be right back after these
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: fine words. How do you, Jillian advise people to who
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: are listening to this and go, Okay, you're right, I
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: have been holding it in. I haven't been fully expressing
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: myself to my partner in these ways. How do you
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: begin to approach that? Because you want to do it
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: in the right way your partner, you also have to
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: have a partner that's willing to It goes without saying,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: but let's say it. You have to have a partner
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: that's willing to to here into these yeah, well, to
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: go into these conversations with you. You know, they have
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: to be willing to want to work on your communication
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: or whatever whatever your conundrum is in your relationship. If
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: they're not down to participate in evolving, then that tells
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: you that you sort of hit a dead end, haven't you.
• 30:57
  Speaker 5: Oh yeah, I mean both people really. I mean, there's
• 31:00
  Speaker 5: the way that you broach a topic, you know. I mean,
• 31:02
  Speaker 5: you're not really going to get a great response from
• 31:05
  Speaker 5: someone if you're like, we need to talk about this
• 31:08
  Speaker 5: right now, and you you you you, you right, You're
• 31:11
  Speaker 5: not going to get a good response.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Now, that's not gonna work out.
• 31:13
  Speaker 5: Well, it's not going to work out well. But yeah,
• 31:16
  Speaker 5: I mean, look, I think that one of the most underrated,
• 31:20
  Speaker 5: two of the most underrated relationship skills is one being
• 31:23
  Speaker 5: able to give feedback with care and to being able
• 31:26
  Speaker 5: to receive that feedback and to have a conversation about it. Yeah.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, talk more about that, about about having a situation
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: having without a counselor, because I know some people get
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: to a point where they have a counselor sort of
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: helping them moderate that moderating their discussion. But if someone's
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: not there yet, how do you approach it with your
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: partner in such a way that you want to pivot
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: to better communication without them feeling like you're attacking them.
• 31:58
  Speaker 5: Why don't you give me an exact sample of something
• 32:00
  Speaker 5: and I will give you a script. How does that
• 32:03
  Speaker 5: sound like?
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: Maybe?
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: Donald, I'm not in a relationship right now, so maybe Donald?
• 32:07
  Speaker 5: Can you've been in relationships?
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Yes? I have? Donald, you want to go first?
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: Sure. So here's the thing. We have conversations sometimes about
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: how the kids talk to us, and it's very clear
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: that the reason why they talk to us the way
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: they talk to us is because of how we talk
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: to each other and how we talk to them as well.
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 32:27
  Speaker 5: Are they being rude?
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: Oh? My kids can be one of the rudest kids,
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, as a matter of fact,
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: if you wouldn't mind, I would like to get my
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: wife to be no.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no no. We don't have time for
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: her right now.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: She's not gonna say get out of here, man, I'm
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: gonna go get.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: Her Jesus all right, we have to play a theme song, Kasey,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: come down here.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: I don't know nothing about raising these schools, so tell
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: me what to do. Do nothing about raising these kids.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: And that's what it is, all right? There she is,
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: this is Jillian.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: Are. I feel like we have great communication, but when
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: it comes to the kids, that's when I kind of, uh,
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: whatever you want to do, babe, however it is you.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, we're talking about communication, and Jillian is a
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: dating and a couple of communication experts, and we're talking
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: about how you guys can get in arguments about how
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: to handle it when the kids are are rude to you.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: And she was going to guide Donald through a through
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: a way that you guys can communicate it in a
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: more healthy way.
• 33:33
  Speaker 5: Now, well, here's something that's really helpful for kids. If
• 33:36
  Speaker 5: I might share pick three things, three really attainable things,
• 33:41
  Speaker 5: things that they can attain, three things that they need
• 33:44
  Speaker 5: to do, which is sort of like a rule in
• 33:46
  Speaker 5: order for them to I don't know, keep their phone
• 33:50
  Speaker 5: for the week. But it's just three things, so it's
• 33:53
  Speaker 5: not a whole list of a bunch of rules, but
• 33:56
  Speaker 5: just three things and things that they can actually accomplish.
• 34:00
  Speaker 5: So chores, yeah, but only three, but only three things,
• 34:05
  Speaker 5: like you know you have on Mondays. I'm just this
• 34:08
  Speaker 5: is so random. On Mondays you have to take out
• 34:10
  Speaker 5: the trash, okay, and when you get home from school,
• 34:14
  Speaker 5: you have to spend twenty minutes in your room chilling out,
• 34:19
  Speaker 5: and then you can go do whatever, or you have
• 34:22
  Speaker 5: to do twenty minutes of homework between this and this,
• 34:25
  Speaker 5: and then the third one is something again easy for
• 34:28
  Speaker 5: them to attain. Not so many rules. I don't know
• 34:33
  Speaker 5: how old you're, how old are your kids?
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: Eleven and nine?
• 34:37
  Speaker 5: So not so many, not so many rules. We don't
• 34:39
  Speaker 5: have many rules, but you have to have the three you.
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: Have to have. Problem.
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: Maybe maybe that's the problem is that there's no there's
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: no rules, so.
• 34:47
  Speaker 5: You just have to make it very simple for them,
• 34:49
  Speaker 5: like you know, mommy and daddy and daddy and I
• 34:51
  Speaker 5: you know, discuss this and you know there are three
• 34:54
  Speaker 5: things that needs to be done and this is them
• 34:57
  Speaker 5: and make sure it's just really really simple, really clear,
• 35:01
  Speaker 5: and then if they do that for like, let's say
• 35:04
  Speaker 5: three weeks or at the end of the week, they
• 35:07
  Speaker 5: get some sort of reward.
• 35:09
  Speaker 6: Okay, no, I'm all for structure.
• 35:13
  Speaker 5: This one's the reward system works very well well.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: Donald was mentioning before he came on Casey that you
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: guys sort of arguing yourselves about how to handle when
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: the kids are speaking disrespectfully to you. Yeah, what are
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: your thoughts versus Donald's.
• 35:30
  Speaker 6: Well, I don't know what Donald said, but what I
• 35:33
  Speaker 6: think the problem is is that we're all together all
• 35:36
  Speaker 6: the time, so there's no they obviously they're good kids.
• 35:42
  Speaker 6: I'm they're not.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: I've seen bad kids.
• 35:44
  Speaker 6: I don't have bad kids really, but but they do
• 35:50
  Speaker 6: start speaking to us as if we're all peers because
• 35:53
  Speaker 6: we're all together all the time, and I like, for instance,
• 35:57
  Speaker 6: our daughter did some My daughter's been sick and I've
• 36:00
  Speaker 6: been home, stuck in the house for three days literally
• 36:03
  Speaker 6: nursing her, coddling her, waiting on her hand and foot,
• 36:08
  Speaker 6: and then last night she got her homework and just
• 36:10
  Speaker 6: flipped out on me and attacked me because of her homework.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: She attacked all of us.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: She attacked all of us, but directed towards me.
• 36:18
  Speaker 6: And you know, I'm like, you can go to bed
• 36:20
  Speaker 6: if you're if you don't want to hang out and
• 36:22
  Speaker 6: be respectful. She was like, I bet so she goes
• 36:26
  Speaker 6: to bed at six o'clock and she will power through
• 36:28
  Speaker 6: it the whole night. But then she started coming downstairs
• 36:32
  Speaker 6: and being really disrespectful. And I told Donald, I said,
• 36:35
  Speaker 6: you need to go upstairs and have a talk with
• 36:37
  Speaker 6: her about how she's speaking to me, because I didn't
• 36:40
  Speaker 6: feel like me speaking to her at that moment was
• 36:42
  Speaker 6: going to help. I had already said what I needed
• 36:44
  Speaker 6: to say.
• 36:45
  Speaker 5: He was like, what, I'm so, here's okay, So here's
• 36:51
  Speaker 5: here's the most important thing.
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: But it boiled. But that boiled down to I don't
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: want to go upstairs and say some shit that fucks
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: her up, you know what I mean, Like, I don't
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: want to upstairs and punish her. Uh, you know, I
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: don't want to raise my voice and yell at her
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: and stuff like that.
• 37:06
  Speaker 5: You don't have to raise your voice.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: Because I don't think that's gonna I mean, I can
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: do that with my boy, I could do that all
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: the time, but with my daughter I feel like there's
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: a there's a.
• 37:16
  Speaker 5: It's the same. Well, I mean, Zach just shared that
• 37:18
  Speaker 5: his father yelled at him all the time and that
• 37:21
  Speaker 5: what that created, So we don't want it's not about
• 37:23
  Speaker 5: yelling at your kids ever. Really, I means, here's the thing.
• 37:28
  Speaker 5: When it comes to child rearing, the most important thing,
• 37:31
  Speaker 5: and when it comes to actually, when it comes to
• 37:33
  Speaker 5: any relationship. This is a marriage, a romantic relationship. This
• 37:37
  Speaker 5: boils down to all the principles in my book Romantic
• 37:40
  Speaker 5: Only exactly. It's all about managing your internal state. So
• 37:49
  Speaker 5: when we're triggered, right, whatever it is, someone we're dating
• 37:54
  Speaker 5: says something or does something, our kids says is you know,
• 37:56
  Speaker 5: being fresh and says something or does something, or a
• 37:59
  Speaker 5: parent or partner, whatever, spouse, it's always about managing our
• 38:04
  Speaker 5: This is not easy, by the way, at all, and
• 38:07
  Speaker 5: you will you will fail, we will all fail. There's
• 38:11
  Speaker 5: great magic in saying to the person you love, whoever
• 38:16
  Speaker 5: that person is. I just lost control over there, and
• 38:19
  Speaker 5: I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry that it came out
• 38:22
  Speaker 5: like that. That was not cool. But because it's really
• 38:26
  Speaker 5: about managing our internal states, and so much of all
• 38:32
  Speaker 5: relationships is projection, it's you are not saying, doing and
• 38:38
  Speaker 5: being the way that I want you to be, and
• 38:43
  Speaker 5: that makes me feel very out of control. This one
• 38:45
  Speaker 5: hundred percent pertains to parenting that makes me feel out
• 38:49
  Speaker 5: of control, that makes me feel anxious that somehow I'm
• 38:52
  Speaker 5: going to be messing up or have some you know,
• 38:54
  Speaker 5: messed up kid, or I'm you know, I'm not going
• 38:56
  Speaker 5: to be enough for my partner. But we have to
• 38:59
  Speaker 5: manage our projections all the time. Whoever you are in
• 39:04
  Speaker 5: relationship with, regardless again of who that person is, they
• 39:09
  Speaker 5: are autonomous beings with their own brains, their own mouths,
• 39:13
  Speaker 5: their own everything, and sometimes they're going to do stuff
• 39:17
  Speaker 5: that we are going to take really personally, but it's
• 39:19
  Speaker 5: not personal. And so just so as not to take
• 39:25
  Speaker 5: this into the direction of how to child rear, because
• 39:28
  Speaker 5: I know that's that's not the focus of today of
• 39:30
  Speaker 5: today and it's you know, but what I will say
• 39:33
  Speaker 5: that I really believe is invaluable advice is manage your
• 39:37
  Speaker 5: internal state. And if your child is acting out, manage
• 39:42
  Speaker 5: your internal state. That doesn't mean that you allow behavior
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: that is unacceptable, but just keep managing your reaction. Maybe
• 39:52
  Speaker 5: there's something going on with her or him in that moment,
• 39:55
  Speaker 5: maybe they're hungry, maybe there's some hormonal change happening, because
• 39:58
  Speaker 5: the based on their ages, I would imagine there's a
• 40:01
  Speaker 5: lot starting to happen.
• 40:03
  Speaker 6: There's a lot between my age and her age.
• 40:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah, all right, you got yeah, Perry.
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: Pause.
• 40:13
  Speaker 5: And then you know someone who's like going to be
• 40:16
  Speaker 5: menstruating soon or whatever it is. So it's like, so
• 40:19
  Speaker 5: have a little under mindfulness around that and how that
• 40:23
  Speaker 5: can be adding to the dynamic and you need to
• 40:27
  Speaker 5: be mindful of that.
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: Well, that's what I was worried about too. Yesterday when
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: you were like, go talk to I was in my mind,
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: I was like, what if this is something that you know,
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: I don't really know nothing about.
• 40:38
  Speaker 5: Like, but in that moment, she just wants you to
• 40:40
  Speaker 5: have her back because she feels so powerless.
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: Got it?
• 40:44
  Speaker 5: And yeah, And so that's what's happened.
• 40:46
  Speaker 6: You not controlling your internalness towards me. I took it
• 40:50
  Speaker 6: as I don't feel like getting up off the couch
• 40:52
  Speaker 6: to go handle this problem.
• 40:55
  Speaker 5: But the reality is what's happening is that his avoidance
• 40:59
  Speaker 5: of that is fear. In that moment, she's wanting a
• 41:03
  Speaker 5: protector's an ally, she's feeling helpless and hopeless.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: So now it's interesting. Sorry, sorry interrupt you. But what's
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: interesting is just as you take this apart and having
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: not even be about the child, it's about two people
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: that have totally different stories going on in their heads. Yes,
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: and then they're both upset because they're living something that
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: isn't on the same page and that moment and that
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: moment they can't necessarily communicate that. But now as we
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: analyze it, you go, oh, this is why you're both
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: upset because you want this and you have different expectations
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: of what this moment should should be and you're not
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: on the same page.
• 41:37
  Speaker 5: Yes, I think that's very well said. And so that's
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: a big and that's actually a chapter in the book.
• 41:41
  Speaker 5: The mind is a battlefield, so you have to be
• 41:44
  Speaker 5: really mindful of how the mind can work. Oh, he
• 41:48
  Speaker 5: doesn't love me, he doesn't care. He's just sitting on
• 41:50
  Speaker 5: the couch. He's not my protector. Oh my god. You
• 41:52
  Speaker 5: know she's going to put me in a position where
• 41:54
  Speaker 5: I'm going to like completely have this. You know, I'm
• 41:57
  Speaker 5: going to interfere with my relationship with my daughter and
• 42:00
  Speaker 5: then I'm going to mess something up. So it begins
• 42:03
  Speaker 5: with having that kind of vulnerable, transparent conversation with you.
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: Right, That's what I was going to say. That's what
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: I want to lead to. Is that so in the
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: ideal world and these two people the next day, when
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: things are calm, would get together and say, hey, can
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: we talk a minute for a second about last night?
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: I felt that, you know, this is what I felt
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: without making the other person wrong, right, is what I say.
• 42:25
  Speaker 5: The story that I'm telling myself about this, the way
• 42:28
  Speaker 5: that I perceive this. I know that this could be
• 42:30
  Speaker 5: this could be a story that I'm making up. My
• 42:32
  Speaker 5: experience though, and how I was feeling was this. And
• 42:37
  Speaker 5: then the other person can say, you know, validate, validate,
• 42:41
  Speaker 5: I validate, validate, I hear you, validate, validate, validate because
• 42:46
  Speaker 5: a lot of men, of course, deserve validation, but understand
• 42:51
  Speaker 5: that women definitely go through life with a lot of
• 42:54
  Speaker 5: people not validating their experience. So just validate and then
• 42:59
  Speaker 5: you know, and you have to validate his as well,
• 43:01
  Speaker 5: of course.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but then you are able to say, then you
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: can validate and say I hear you. I don't want
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: you to feel that way. My experience of that, my
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: story was totally different. This is what I felt. Yes,
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: and that's why we had this argument. But so you're
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: not putting it on the other person to say you're wrong,
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: you did X, Y, and Z. You're saying, let me
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: tell you full responsibility or responsibility for your feelings.
• 43:21
  Speaker 5: This is what I felt for your story, for your story.
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: Yes, I want to take full responsibility for my story.
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: This is what I felt. Nothing. I'm not putting anything
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: on you. This is what I felt, and I want
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: to be open with you about why I felt the
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: way I felt. And then ideally, the partner says, Okay,
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: I hear you. I can see why you would feel
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: I didn't see that at the time. I can see
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: why you would feel that my story isn't exactly the same.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you what I was feeling. And then
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: the partner right, and then the partner goes okay, and
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: then then then then then there's you both feel seen.
• 43:53
  Speaker 6: But yeah, so you know, had had I not come
• 43:56
  Speaker 6: up here and got on this zoom or this podcast.
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: We would have never known.
• 44:00
  Speaker 6: I would have never, in a million years ever assumed
• 44:05
  Speaker 6: that this fool was scared to screw something up with right.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: But this is the heart of the problem. Is that
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: then you would maybe you would have resentment towards Donald
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: for not helping you out and.
• 44:18
  Speaker 6: In all this, and then it snowballs into this resentment
• 44:22
  Speaker 6: and then anger, and then he gets pissed that I'm
• 44:25
  Speaker 6: just not respondib to him at all, and then the
• 44:29
  Speaker 6: whole house is walking on eggshells because Dad. Because of that,
• 44:33
  Speaker 6: Donald's in a bad mood.
• 44:34
  Speaker 5: Yes, exactly. So the beautiful thing about this conversation right
• 44:38
  Speaker 5: now is that you're learning about something about each other,
• 44:42
  Speaker 5: and you're learning about like certain fears and everyone we
• 44:45
  Speaker 5: all have a blueprint and of how the world should be.
• 44:50
  Speaker 5: We all have a parental blueprint. So if we become parents,
• 44:54
  Speaker 5: we have these beliefs and this story about what's and
• 45:00
  Speaker 5: make us a good father or a good mother, Like
• 45:02
  Speaker 5: we come into relationships with this, and so the more
• 45:05
  Speaker 5: that we can have these kind of conversations about like
• 45:08
  Speaker 5: what does this mean to you? What are your fears
• 45:10
  Speaker 5: around it? Like what's your biggest fear about being a dad,
• 45:15
  Speaker 5: and have these kind of conversations so they're not necessary.
• 45:17
  Speaker 5: They don't always have to be conversations where you're repairing.
• 45:21
  Speaker 5: They are conversations that create more emotional intimacy, and the
• 45:25
  Speaker 5: whole point of a relationship is to deepen emotional intimacy
• 45:30
  Speaker 5: between you and another human being, which helps you grow,
• 45:33
  Speaker 5: which helps you feel more connected, which helps you feel
• 45:36
  Speaker 5: more seen. Because anyone can have sex, anyone can have
• 45:40
  Speaker 5: superficial relationships, but a relationship, a committed relationship, this is
• 45:46
  Speaker 5: really what it's all about. And that's why I'm so
• 45:49
  Speaker 5: passionate about. You know, don't commit to the person who
• 45:53
  Speaker 5: you can't do this with. And also you have to
• 45:56
  Speaker 5: be willing to step outside your comfort zone to really
• 46:00
  Speaker 5: open yourself up, because you can't just wait for the
• 46:04
  Speaker 5: other person to do it to give you that invitation.
• 46:06
  Speaker 5: You really have to see right away is these are
• 46:09
  Speaker 5: the building blocks of a relationship well, and also early on.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: In courtship and dating, you need to I see now
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: it's so important to say, are you down for this
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: kind of relationship? If you're not interested in being overly
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: communicative and in working on it on this level, or
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: if we need it in couple therapy, whatever it is,
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: reading reading a book or two, or if you're not
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: interested in having that kind of of digging deep with me,
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: then you're probably not the one for me, because this
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: is the kind of thing I want to have.
• 46:42
  Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, as long as you make it safe for
• 46:45
  Speaker 5: the other person to be able to open up to you.
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: We did all of that stuff before we got married,
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: and in the early stages of marriage. I think as
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: the kids get older, I think that's where.
• 46:59
  Speaker 6: Well, there's there's two of us, there's two bees in
• 47:02
  Speaker 6: the house, and there's two Donald's in the house.
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: So it's very like.
• 47:08
  Speaker 5: And also, stage of life matters. So it's the stage
• 47:11
  Speaker 5: of life of your relationship. It's the stage of life
• 47:14
  Speaker 5: where you are in your personal life hormonally, it's the
• 47:17
  Speaker 5: stage of life of course, of your kids. Parenting a
• 47:20
  Speaker 5: five year old is not the same thing as parenting
• 47:22
  Speaker 5: a twelve year old. Yeah, and not the same thing
• 47:25
  Speaker 5: as parenting an eighteen year old or a twenty year old.
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: All right, Casey, we're going to kick you out.
• 47:30
  Speaker 6: That's amazing.
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: Thank you. You can help.
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying, man, we're lucky that we do a
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: podcast like this, Zach.
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: This has helped out at.
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: All of a sudden.
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: Alright, you guys have really good You guys have really
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: good you guys have really good sex tonight. Okay, you
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: can thank me.
• 47:53
  Speaker 5: Thank you, Zach, nice to meet you, nice to meet easily.
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: Jillian, Thank you. I think we just saved their marriage.
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: And when we come a bit, I want to talk
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: more about dating when we're back with Jillian because her
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: book and her things she posts and says on Instagram,
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: I think are so helpful for dating. So I'll be
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: right back after these words. I've noticed one of the
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: chapters of your books or I don't know if they're
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: chapters or you call them truths. Yes, lust is not
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: the same thing as love.
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: That is absolutely correct.
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: No, I know, but I want to just I want
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: to tease that out a bit because I think that
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: many of us gets so entranced with someone and it's
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: and it's just about the exciting titillation of being attracted
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: to them sexually. Yes, and then and then that ends
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: or or or or Peter's out a bit, and then
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: you're left with something that doesn't have a good foundation
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: because it was just sexual attraction, right.
• 48:59
  Speaker 5: Yes, a lot of people confuse the two. You know,
• 49:03
  Speaker 5: when we first meet someone and there's an attraction there,
• 49:05
  Speaker 5: and there's and you know, when we're really excited about
• 49:10
  Speaker 5: someone in the beginning, it's not just sexual. Usually when
• 49:13
  Speaker 5: we get very excited about someone, there's different levels of chemistry.
• 49:17
  Speaker 5: It's not just sexual. We're also we feel like we
• 49:19
  Speaker 5: feel like there's an intellectual connection too, Like to get
• 49:22
  Speaker 5: excited about someone truly beyond oh I want to sleep
• 49:26
  Speaker 5: with them, you have to feel connected to them. And
• 49:30
  Speaker 5: the thing is when we feel that excitement in the beginning,
• 49:36
  Speaker 5: they awaken something inside of us, which is basically a liveness.
• 49:41
  Speaker 5: And if we have we if that sense of novelty
• 49:45
  Speaker 5: and adventure and aliveness has been dormant for a long time,
• 49:48
  Speaker 5: and then we meet someone and they awaken that in us,
• 49:51
  Speaker 5: it's a really fun, beautiful thing. But we think, oh,
• 49:55
  Speaker 5: they are the reason why I'm happy, and actually that's
• 49:59
  Speaker 5: not true. That you will it's very easy to get
• 50:04
  Speaker 5: tricked into believing that your happiness rests in the hands
• 50:08
  Speaker 5: of this other person when you are in lust because
• 50:11
  Speaker 5: everything is so exciting. But love is love is trust,
• 50:18
  Speaker 5: love is safety and love it can also be passion
• 50:22
  Speaker 5: in all of these things, but love is something that
• 50:25
  Speaker 5: you build with someone and love real love is you know,
• 50:33
  Speaker 5: when we're in the lust phase, and a lot of
• 50:35
  Speaker 5: people get addicted to that. It's very immature because Basically,
• 50:40
  Speaker 5: it's saying I am in love. I'm in love. I
• 50:43
  Speaker 5: put that in big air quotes with my projected fantasy
• 50:47
  Speaker 5: of who I believe or what I want a woman
• 50:50
  Speaker 5: to be or what I want a man to be,
• 50:52
  Speaker 5: yea and so. And then as soon as things get
• 50:55
  Speaker 5: you know, more real, there's emotional intimacy. We're seeing each
• 50:59
  Speaker 5: other shortcomings and depth and nuanced. A lot of people
• 51:03
  Speaker 5: will say, hmm, you're not perfect, I don't want anything.
• 51:07
  Speaker 5: I'll pull away.
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right, And I think that's worse. That's even worse
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: these days with the apps and everything, that everyone's just
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: like absolute.
• 51:15
  Speaker 5: I think I think yeah, I think yeah. I think
• 51:18
  Speaker 5: it definitely plays a role. I think that it's very
• 51:23
  Speaker 5: easy to forget each other's humanity and all this. And
• 51:30
  Speaker 5: I think a lot of things play a role. I
• 51:32
  Speaker 5: think this. I think romanticism plays a role. I think movie,
• 51:37
  Speaker 5: film and television, literature and art can play a role
• 51:42
  Speaker 5: of what of what love is or isn't you know?
• 51:47
  Speaker 5: It's like the romantic comedy shows you all the all
• 51:52
  Speaker 5: the craziness in the beginning of getting the person or
• 51:54
  Speaker 5: being rescued by the person, and then but they don't
• 51:59
  Speaker 5: show you like you're in right, there's no examples of that.
• 52:03
  Speaker 5: And love, to me is what is is a choice.
• 52:07
  Speaker 5: Love is something that you know. Lust is easy, it's
• 52:10
  Speaker 5: something that we just feel and almost have no control over.
• 52:14
  Speaker 5: But love is something that is very much a verb,
• 52:18
  Speaker 5: and it's something that you give. It's not just something
• 52:21
  Speaker 5: that you receive. And a lot of people say, well,
• 52:24
  Speaker 5: I love this person. No you didn't. You felt like
• 52:28
  Speaker 5: crazy attracted to them, you didn't even know them.
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you make up a whole story of who they are,
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: even before you get to know who they are.
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: And then okay, and then.
• 52:36
  Speaker 5: You get addicted to that story of who they.
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: Are, right, and you're like, I'm I'm I think, especially
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: when you're single and you kind of get excited about someone,
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: your one's brain can all of a sudden, just like
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: quickly write a script that they're the most amazing person
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: and are all these things. And then little by little
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh, all of that, all of that I
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: made up myself. Yeah, that's none of that's real. And
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: now I'm disappointing because who they truly yard doesn't align
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: with what I may know.
• 53:02
  Speaker 2: There's only one movie. I'm sorry to cut you all off,
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: there's only one movie that I really believe at the
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: end of the day, when when it ends that they
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: were happily ever after, and that's when Harry met Sally.
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: But that's just me.
• 53:14
  Speaker 5: Okay, well you know, yeah, well because they were friends
• 53:18
  Speaker 5: for so long beforehand, and that's why.
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: And there was nothing but great communication between the two
• 53:24
  Speaker 2: of them and for so long, and friendship and right
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: and genuine friendships.
• 53:29
  Speaker 5: Genuine friendship.
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: They found communication before LUs, which is interesting.
• 53:35
  Speaker 5: Yes, they found friendship before Yeah.
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I said this all the time, my best
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: friend is my wife.
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: You know I was your best friend.
• 53:43
  Speaker 2: Well you are, you are my best friend, but you
• 53:45
  Speaker 2: know she trumps you. But but that's just because.
• 53:48
  Speaker 5: Friendship is very important for long term relationship. And but
• 53:52
  Speaker 5: it'll always be a balance of friendship and passion and
• 53:55
  Speaker 5: keeping the passion alive. But I will say that a relationship,
• 54:00
  Speaker 5: it's very hard to make a relationship last over the
• 54:04
  Speaker 5: long term if there isn't friendship there.
• 54:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: And also us to evolve, right, because we're all going
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: and changing, and you have to be willing.
• 54:12
  Speaker 5: To willing to evolve, and also willingness to accept the
• 54:16
  Speaker 5: other's evolution and their pace. And to you know, everything's
• 54:22
  Speaker 5: a balance. If you grow too quickly, that can be
• 54:25
  Speaker 5: very destabilizing for a relationship. If you're not growing at all,
• 54:29
  Speaker 5: then you can get very bored, and boredom is not
• 54:32
  Speaker 5: good for a relationship.
• 54:33
  Speaker 2: Boredom is the worst thing for I think if you
• 54:35
  Speaker 2: if you don't evolve.
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: At all, try new things or do things.
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: What are you doing?
• 54:42
  Speaker 5: You know?
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: I have another truth, Let me just finish.
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: My business manager just recently said to us, you know,
• 54:49
  Speaker 2: you know, you guys are spending money the wrong way.
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: You know, go make memories and stuff like that. You
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: guys are spending money on food and eating and stuff
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: like that. Go out there and enjoy jo you're enjoy
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: the kids, enjoy enjoy you know, time with each other.
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: And that really hit me hard. It was like, holy shit,
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: you're absolutely right. I'm sitting here worried about not spending
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: this money and not you know, losing this money. But
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: what I really need to be worried about is creating
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: memories and creating and evolving and creating creating experiences experiences
• 55:28
  Speaker 2: positive not exactly positive experiences with my family and I
• 55:33
  Speaker 2: and I wasn't doing that, and we weren't doing that.
• 55:36
  Speaker 5: You know, couples need dopamine enhancing experiences together, especially if
• 55:41
  Speaker 5: they've been together for a long time. They need to
• 55:44
  Speaker 5: do things that gets the quarters all going and triggers
• 55:47
  Speaker 5: the dopamine, the excitement, because there's two there's two aspects
• 55:52
  Speaker 5: to a relationship. There's the serotonin aspect, which is you're
• 55:56
  Speaker 5: nesting together, and some and some couples are more more
• 56:00
  Speaker 5: lean more towards that. Like there's nesting, there's the friendship,
• 56:04
  Speaker 5: there's the coziness. But then there's dopamine, which is like,
• 56:08
  Speaker 5: we need to have some new experiences, we need to
• 56:09
  Speaker 5: have some fun, we need to have a little novelty.
• 56:13
  Speaker 5: And so I think there's you were always sort of
• 56:15
  Speaker 5: straddling that line between those two things.
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: You posted a quote on your Instagram. I wanted to
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: just mention to love someone long term is to attend
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: the thousand funerals of the people they used to be.
• 56:32
  Speaker 5: Not my quote, that's Heidipri, But yes I did post it.
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: I know it's not your quote, but it's beautiful and
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: I think it's very it's kind of what we're talking
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: about about being long for the ride of the evolution.
• 56:43
  Speaker 5: Yes, it's very true. I mean, if you think of
• 56:46
  Speaker 5: a long term relationship, there's going to be You're gonna
• 56:49
  Speaker 5: have many relationships within one relationship. And unfortunately, there's just
• 56:54
  Speaker 5: not a lot of examples of enduring love. We have
• 56:57
  Speaker 5: a lot of examples of falling in love, a lot
• 57:01
  Speaker 5: of examples, like I said in art, but we don't
• 57:07
  Speaker 5: have a lot of examples of enduring love. And there
• 57:11
  Speaker 5: is a tremendous opportunity to grow spiritually. I mean, look,
• 57:16
  Speaker 5: just even the conversation that we had today, the two
• 57:18
  Speaker 5: of you recognizing oh it's the story in my head,
• 57:22
  Speaker 5: like that can yield now a conversation between the two
• 57:26
  Speaker 5: of you that has the potential to be to deepen
• 57:29
  Speaker 5: your bond, to deepen your friendship, to deepen your love.
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Jillian and I can counsel you together if you want.
• 57:35
  Speaker 2: We're very you know, what about what about falling in
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: and out of love but then back in love again?
• 57:45
  Speaker 2: Does that exist in this whole conversation?
• 57:49
  Speaker 5: In long term relationships, what causes people to fall out
• 57:54
  Speaker 5: of love is the loss of passion, right, It's like,
• 57:58
  Speaker 5: what's the difference between loving someone and being in love
• 58:00
  Speaker 5: with them? Is have it is? Passion is feeling passionate
• 58:04
  Speaker 5: towards them, And yes, you can restore passion in a
• 58:09
  Speaker 5: long term relationship. And so if you feel like you're falling,
• 58:13
  Speaker 5: If people feel like they're falling out of love, typically,
• 58:17
  Speaker 5: typically what that means is they there's a little boredom
• 58:20
  Speaker 5: that's set in and they need a little bit of
• 58:22
  Speaker 5: dopamine activities and they have to do some exciting things together.
• 58:26
  Speaker 5: Maybe one or both of them need to grow individually
• 58:29
  Speaker 5: or together, but there's certainly a way to revive that
• 58:32
  Speaker 5: if their foundation is strong enough between two people.
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: What if it's not a long term relationship. What if
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: it's a relationship that happened for like, let's say a year,
• 58:42
  Speaker 2: then they break up, and what.
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: If it's your side piece? Is that what you're asking?
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: No, No, I'm not saying it's your side piece.
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: I'm saying, what if someone were to have a side
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: piece and the side piece relationship isn't going that well,
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: but you want to keep it going Hypothetically.
• 59:00
  Speaker 2: I'm sincere about this. Is there a conversation where, because
• 59:04
  Speaker 2: I've seen it happen before, where somebody they were together,
• 59:08
  Speaker 2: they broke up, they got back together, and now their
• 59:11
  Speaker 2: bond is stronger than it's ever been, you know what
• 59:13
  Speaker 2: I mean? And I'm not I'm not one that believes
• 59:16
  Speaker 2: in I'm not one that believes in going backwards.
• 59:19
  Speaker 5: But you know, it can happen. It can happen if
• 59:23
  Speaker 5: both people take one hundred percent responsibility for their experience
• 59:27
  Speaker 5: and they want to go they want to do two
• 59:31
  Speaker 5: point zero of their relationship and make it better. I mean,
• 59:34
  Speaker 5: lots of things are possible for you.
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: What's your advice on people who are listening? It might
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: be thinking like, oh, should I go back? Should I
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: miss that person? Should should I try and repair or you?
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: Or do you think that that usually ends poorly?
• 59:49
  Speaker 5: It really just depends. I mean more times than not,
• 59:52
  Speaker 5: the answer is no, you shouldn't go back. But there
• 59:55
  Speaker 5: are instances where people say, you know, I did a
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 5: lot of self reflecting and I realized where how I
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 5: contributed to whatever didn't work, and I really want to
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 5: give this another go, and and but you just have
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 5: to be able to take full responsibility. Often I don't
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 5: really think you should go back to the person who
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 5: completely betrayed you and broke your heart. I don't think
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 5: you should go back to the person who mistreats you,
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 5: and by mistreatment, I mean manipulation, obviously, if there's any violence,
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 5: But anyone who made you feel less than and I'm
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 5: not talking about you had an argument and then you
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 5: know you're you feel a little insecure. I'm talking about you.
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 5: You never knew where you stood with someone, You never
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 5: felt good enough for someone.
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: The person has to be outside of let's just say,
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: for this example, outside of abuse and outside of infidelity. Yes,
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: the person has to be willing to work on the
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: thing they have to. They have to be willing to
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: show up differently.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 5: Yes, But I don't believe in giving someone who consistently
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 5: made you feel not good enough a second chance.
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: I heard, well, that's a great, that's a great, and
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: now it's another.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 5: Not everyone would agree with me on that, but.
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 2: I think most people. I think most people. I mean,
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 2: I agree with that. How about that.
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 5: I'm not talking about one argument where you didn't feel
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 5: good enough for our situation. I'm talking about you never
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 5: felt good enough for this person.
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, at least to another Jillian Direki quote that
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: I like that. I wanted to say, never make your
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: life harder by trying to convince someone to stay in
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 1: your life. If someone believes their happiness is somewhere else.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: Don't hold them back from finding it, because if they stay,
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: you need it to be because they want to. You
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: deserve and need to be chosen every day.
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 5: Yes, one of the most profound lessons I ever learned
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 5: about love and relationships is that you cannot convince someone
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 5: to love you or to choose you, or just say
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 5: that is the law of the land. You just cannot.
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: And so a lot of people listening are going, but
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: what if I.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, No, you really can't. There's a difference between
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 5: fighting for your relationship and fighting to be enough for someone,
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 5: and you need to know the difference, and you just look.
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 5: Letting go is messy, it's complicated, it's hard, it's heartbreaking,
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 5: but it's better to adopt the mentality that if someone
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 5: thinks that their happiness is somewhere else other than with you,
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 5: don't stand in the way of them finding that happiness.
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 5: Because trying to convince them to love you or that
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 5: they're going to be happy with you, it is never
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 5: going to work. It's going to work against you in
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 5: every way, and you lose.
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: All your power. If you're being somebody else that's not.
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 5: You, you lose all your path exactly, and you can't.
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 5: You can't make someone love you or choose you. People,
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 5: we have free will for a reason, and you only
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 5: want to be in a relationship with someone who chooses
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 5: to be there. That's the only way. It doesn't have
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 5: any it doesn't have a chance to work otherwise.
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: I think I'm sure that people listening are like, yeah,
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 1: but if I can just convince them by doing it,
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: by being this or being that.
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 5: Question yourself, never change yourself, It's one thing. Look, we
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 5: all have certain habits that we need to work on,
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 5: you know, if we're in a relationship, we may have
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 5: certain habits like hey, you know, that's maybe something that
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 5: you need to work on, but you should never change
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 5: who you are to you know, you are who you are.
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: And I think there's so much stressful trying to be
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: somebody else, you know, there's so much. There's so much anxiety,
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: is so much anxiety and playing a character in a relationship.
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but we come from a world where playing characters
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 2: is like, you know, we live in the La la land,
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like, you know, we're all
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 2: we all play a character in order to keep a job,
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 2: in order.
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: To but that's not that's not healthy to be in
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: a relationship.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 2: You are.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: You are because I've seen it up close, authentically yourself
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: with your partner, absolutely.
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: And you have your issues like all human beings have
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: their issues, but you're not sitting there going I'm being inauthentic.
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: You are proudly one hundred percent yourself with her, and
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: she chooses it, and the same thing and vice versa.
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: And I think what Jillian is saying is like, you
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 1: be careful to not try and convince someone or be
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 1: something you're not, because how the fuck can you keep
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: that up? That's so stressful to like pretend you're somebody
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: that that isn't who you truly are. And don't you
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: want to ideally find someone who's so in love with
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: who you truly are? I mean, isn't that the ideal?
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: That is the ideal you have people.
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 5: A relationship doesn't work unless people accept one another. And
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 5: that's just it's just the bottom line.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: Sometimes so hard though, because you're just so in love
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: and you can love someone so much but also be like, gosh,
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know that we're compatible, but there's still so
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: much love there.
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's heartbreaking, it's heartbreaking. And I think that you know,
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 5: that's why love is not enough. You have to agree
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 5: on being in alignment on what a life well lived is.
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 5: You have to have some goals that you share. You
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 5: have to want. Oh I hear a little puppy.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: That's my little rescue poppy. Yeah, not little my eighty
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: pounds the rescue. I like that quote love is not enough.
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 1: That could be a good title for your second book. Yeah,
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: because I think a lot of people, including myself, are like,
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 1: but I love her. Yeah, and it's like, okay, but
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: that's not enough. Diesels, is what you want and what
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: you need? A line?
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 5: Yes? And is it love? You know, it's love is
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 5: Love is definitely not enough. It's important, It's very important.
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 5: But and and that's why people need to clarify what
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 5: it is that they really want, what kind of relationship
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 5: that they really want. And it's very hard to say
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 5: goodbye to someone you love because it's just not working.
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's fucking really hard.
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 2: Can relationship just be Can it still work as just
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 2: a friendship though? You know what I mean?
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 1: Like after you're in love?
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, some some relationships never die, They just
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 5: change form and they transition into friendship. Because their relationship
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 5: was already just friendship. You know, they lost all the passion.
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: Very difficult.
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 5: You can't have you can't have complicated feelings towards each
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 5: other and then be like, Okay, we're going to be friends.
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 5: Typically you need some distance.
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: And also when they start dating other people, it's like, yeah, it.
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 5: Becomes really complicated. It and can become very complicated, like.
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 2: I don't think I'm friends with anybody I dated. And
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 2: that's a sad thing to say, but it's also a
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 2: realistic thing to say, you know what I mean, And
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 2: it's because it's really weird to be in a in
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 2: such a forever how long you're into space for, but
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 2: you're in a trust you're in a trusting space. You're
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 2: in a you know what I mean, for a year,
• 1:07:19
  Speaker 2: six months, two years, you break up and then all
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 2: of a sudden, you never have a conversation with that
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 2: person ever again, and if you do, it's it's fucking nuts,
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 2: and it's like you don't even recognize them. You might
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 2: not even recognize their name if somebody were to say
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 2: it to you, you know what I mean, Like it's it's.
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: I want to give you the last We'll let Jillian go,
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 1: but I want to give her one last Jillian quote
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: from your Instagram I really liked was stop romanticizing the
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 1: person who broke your heart.
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 5: Yes, when we when we break.
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 1: Up, Joelle's nodding, Joelle I have said preach.
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 2: I was like, I recognize the feeling.
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: Oh gosh, but I think everyone can relate to that,
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 1: especially after a little time passes, right and then.
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 5: But yeah, we just tend to make out the person
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 5: to be much much more special than they actually are.
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 5: And that's not to put them down, but we tend
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 5: to remember the the highlight reel instead of these are
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 5: like the documentary. I remember someone, a therapist by the
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 5: name of John Kim, saying that, and and then we think, oh,
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 5: they're the one, They're perfect, I love them. It's like, really,
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 5: or are you just attached and heartbroken? Which is a
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 5: completely normal thing for you to experience, But we I mean,
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 5: I see it all the time. Someone treats you in
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 5: such a way that's actually not loving, or you really
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 5: didn't get along, or like you really were incompatible, or
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 5: this person had real, true, serious character defects. But your heartbroken,
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 5: so you tend to romanticize them and think I can't
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 5: live without this person. This person is amazing, And it's
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 5: all the mind playing a major trick on you.
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because it felt because you're lonesome and you're you're,
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 1: like you said, you're only thinking of the highlight reel.
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: You're not thinking of all the other shit.
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 2: But your highlight reel is dope. Man, let's keep it
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 2: one hundred. Oh yeah, remember fucking family ties? Did it? Bed?
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 2: What did you think? How would do you have to?
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 2: And he's going through the highlight reel of him and
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 2: the girl and all the things they went through, and yeah,
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. The highlight reel is fire
• 1:09:44
  Speaker 2: right center sucks.
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, the highlight reel, the highlight reel will really
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 1: mess with your head because it's it's not accurate.
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 5: It's not accurate.
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 1: It's like a great movie trailer for a shitty movie.
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 2: That's exactly what it is, exactly, exactly exactly.
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 1: And Jillian, that's your third book, that's your third book.
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 5: In a world, it's really true. I used to go
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 5: to the movies and just like want to watch the trailer.
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 5: So there you go.
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well everybody please check out. It begins with you.
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 1: Jillian Tareki's awesome book, and also make sure to follow
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: her on Instagram. I just love it. I love all
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 1: the things you post. Just like Joelle nodded, I find
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 1: myself going when I when I when I read your quotes,
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 1: and it's just really helpful. If you're if you're dating,
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: if you're if you're working on relationship not just romantic relationships,
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: in your in your like like we learned earlier with
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 1: your children, with your friends. I just think everything you're
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 1: putting out there is really really good for for the world.
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 1: So thank you for coming.
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 2: You're very You're very uh uh, what's the word I'm
• 1:10:47
  Speaker 2: looking for. You give a lot on your Instagram, the
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 2: things that you say, uh, you give a lot actually
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 2: to your followers, and I really appreciate that as one
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 2: of your followers. Really I appreciate.
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 5: Thank you so much that that means a lot to me.
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 5: Thank you for that.
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 1: Seriously, Well, Donald, I'm going to use some of these
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: tools for our relationship exactly. I mean, because I've been
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 1: hurt by you before and uh, and I haven't communicated well,
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 1: and I think it would have I would have benefited
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: if I had the courage to.
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 2: I feel like you're so full of ship right now,
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 2: my friend. I to keep it one hundred with you.
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 2: Out of everybody, I know, the one people, the people
• 1:11:27
  Speaker 2: that you're very communicate, communic, communicative communicative with, are your friends.
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: There's so many times we've gotten in arguments and I
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 1: just go, I just go, fuck it. I'm just not
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: going to talk to them, and I'll wait till I'm
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 1: not pissed off anymore. Where I where we could have.
• 1:11:42
  Speaker 5: Benefit, there's some value to that, though, I know, but.
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: I could have I could have benefited from cooling off
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 1: and then being like, hey, can we have a chat
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: about something. This pissed me off? And yeah, but I
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 1: don't want to let in the spirit of what we're talking
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 1: about let too many things go, because then you get resentment.
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 5: You know, yeah, absolutely no, no, if you let it go. Oh,
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 5: it has to be a genuine letting go.
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 2: He'll hit me up like, dude, you don't do nothing
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 2: for the podcast. You need to fucking start doing one.
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, wait a second, I think I do
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 2: a lot. He'd be like, no, bro, I need you
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 2: to do way more.
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 1: Like that's me being communicative. That's good. Yeah, I love
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: it as opposed to being resentful, like this motherfucker doesn't
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: do ship.
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 5: That.
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: I wanted to tell you, Donald, did Timothy Chalomaye live
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 1: in your building?
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 2: I don't recall him.
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: Because I saw him on a talk show just did
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 1: you see that?
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 2: Clem Manhattan? Yeah, he grew up in Manhattan Plaza. Are
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 2: a bunch of people that lived in Manhattan Plaza after
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 2: I left. I left in ninety or.
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: Or well he's a lot younger than us. But but
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 1: but then also the actor what's his name from from
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 1: Sing Sing?
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I didn't know him either, lived
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 2: there for a little bit. I don't think he lived
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 2: there for very.
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 1: They were on that famous English talk show what's his name, Joelle?
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: I've been on it, I forgot, but they were talking
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: about Manhattan Plaza and I thought of you because I
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: knew you grew up there.
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know when I was there, Uh, there were
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 2: other people that were you know. John Carlo Esposito is
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 2: one of my mentors and I you know, we used
• 1:13:19
  Speaker 2: to watch him play basketball when I was a little kid.
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 1: A lot of people came Graham Norton, sorry Grammy, Yeah.
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 2: Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a was a was a camp
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 2: counselor of mine. Like, the list of people that came
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 2: through that building, uh is incredible. And so the fact
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 2: that Timothy was there, Timothy, however you stated, however you
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 2: say his name?
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 3: Uh?
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 2: He Uh. The fact that he was there, you know,
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 2: it doesn't surprise me because a lot of creatives have
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 2: come out of that building.
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and your mom still lived there.
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 2: She does. My nephew. I asked him, I was like,
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 2: did you know this guy? And about Timofay and Timothy?
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 1: Why do you him?
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 2: Timothy? Timothy? That's how we'd be saying it in the household.
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 2: In our household, Timothy, we love this boy. I'm gonna
• 1:14:12
  Speaker 2: keep it one hundred.
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 1: You love Timothy.
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 2: Oh who doesn't love some Timothy. If you don't love
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 2: some Timidate, that's something wrong. That boy is very, very
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 2: talented and very charismatic, and very knowledgeable on sports too.
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 2: So you know, you know, I'm I'm a huge fan
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 2: of his.
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 1: Who's your pick for the Super Bowl? This will be
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 1: this will probably be too very old, but when it
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 1: comes out, But who's your pick for.
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 2: The Kansas City? When's their third Super Bowl in a row?
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 2: I think it's it's coming out of the AFC this.
• 1:14:41
  Speaker 1: Year, Joelle, what do you think?
• 1:14:44
  Speaker 3: I have no thoughts on the Super Bowl except I
• 1:14:46
  Speaker 3: can't wait for this halftime show. Let's go Kendrick. We'll
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 3: be excited.
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, Well, they're not like us.
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 2: They be hilarious if people would drake out though.
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 1: Well that was great, Commercy Donald. I learned a lot.
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 1: I hope you did.
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 2: I did you know? And I think my wife learned
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 2: a lot too, which is great. We learned a lot
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 2: about each other, which is great. And you know, every
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 2: time Jillian's on the show, I feel like we learned
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 2: something not only about ourselves, but about uh, you know,
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 2: it isn't about who we want to be, it's who
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 2: we are, you know what I mean? Like you know
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 2: that really, you know, you can front and pretend and
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 2: try to be something you're not, but you're only going
• 1:15:32
  Speaker 2: to fail at the end. It's when you are comfortable
• 1:15:36
  Speaker 2: with who you are and have the courage or your
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 2: person is comfortable with who they are and you both
• 1:15:42
  Speaker 2: can accept that. It just makes for such a better relationship.
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and have the courage to be vulnerable and say
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 1: what you're feeling without accusing the other person. That's one
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 1: of the things I think that's really important.
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, I believe in love for you, still, bro, it's got.
• 1:15:59
  Speaker 1: To have a dog now, fine, I don't need love all.
• 1:16:02
  Speaker 2: I don't get dog flu.
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 1: I got Joel and I are both are but we're
• 1:16:11
  Speaker 1: both at single and in love with our pities, so that's.
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 4: All we need.
• 1:16:14
  Speaker 2: Don't get dog flu.
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: All right, On that note, we love you guys. Thanks
• 1:16:20
  Speaker 1: for tuning in. Five six stories I'm not Show.
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 4: We made about a bunch of talks and nurses and
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 4: I said he's the stories net all so YadA round here,
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 4: yeada round here, we sho