Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / "Nothing I Do Is Good Enough" Is Manipulation | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep477

Transcript

"Nothing I Do Is Good Enough" Is Manipulation | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep477 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Dirty text, dick pics, and boiling over.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Stop using boundaries, guys.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: You have an apology problem.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: You are holding yourself back.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: What you can do or what to do when you're not having text.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: You've never seen us in action?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: There is always something that you need to do better.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Mar Mary's podcast.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Me a river.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I used to say that.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's a very healthy reaction, considering I used to say that so much to you.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: How can I even remember there were so many things that used to spew out?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing I ever said is good enough.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's a go-to line for I think men and women.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't actually remember you saying that at all.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's definitely, I said that a lot.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: And also it's definitely something that we feel when we try.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Men and women, guys.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: People in general, you feel like your efforts never are never reaching your partner when you're still in the chaos, the crisis, when you're not getting to the next level.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Here's a good one.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: When you're seeing so much, it's been going great for 30 days.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck, I always tell you guys what do you what about day 31?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: You guys gotta you have that one bad thing, and the way the world comes down on you.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: You feel like your partner's gone completely in the past, they're stacking everything, they're blaming you, they're all this stuff is happening, and you start to feel like nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I need you to understand something, and I want you to just sit down.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: If you're driving, pull over.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: You are the worst at it, but you are the biggest manipulator on the planet.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: You're manipulating your partner by saying nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: You immediately say nothing I ever do is good enough, and you feel it, I know it, and you're trying to communicate, communicate, communicate.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Communicate, not cute.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's not cute.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're trying to communicate, and what you're doing is you're shifting blame.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: You think you're talking about you, and you're shifting blame.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: You, what you're saying to your partner through manipulation, you're trying to control them.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're trying to say that I try all the things that you've listed as your evidence, and you you don't accept me.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: You should love me for me.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're the worst manipulator on the planet because all you're doing, nobody ever, not from the very first time you ever said it when you were soft to the very last time you ever said it when you were angry.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody ever goes, oh my gosh, baby, let me just stop and appreciate everything that that I've done with you.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: You've done with me.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I want I want to hear your like she she's not gonna do that.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, even if you're just like, even if you said it softly, she's never gonna be like, oh my gosh, you don't feel like you're good enough.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, you know what I think I would have said?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember you saying this.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like eventually I can't remember.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I must have blocked it.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think I blocked a lot, but I think I probably would have been like, when I got angry, you're right.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing you ever do is enough.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I actually do think you said that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's probably how I responded at the point when I got angry.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and you know it's true, because like there'd be other things that I would say to Kathleen when she's talking about all the things, right?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: There was one time I'd be like, then why don't you go fuck other men?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what she would say.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, I guess maybe.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think I will then.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I guess like I'd say something stupid like that.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I guess I okay, thank you.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: See you later.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: You've seen it also with things like, Well, well, fine, I want the divorce.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because somebody says, Well, that's it, I'm done.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting a divorce.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same shit.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You get fed up.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: All of this.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: But all of that to say, yeah, you don't get the oh, really?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: You really feel like you're not good enough for me?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: When you're in a fight and you say something stupid, like nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner doesn't have the skills, probably, to say, Oh, baby, how are you feeling right now?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling a little insecure?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, let's use the divorce.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling a little scared, let's use the division.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Give a big hug and kiss and make up.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And no, that's not how it works.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm laughing because A, we've been through it.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Those are all examples from our life.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: B, just use fucking logic.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: It hasn't worked for you so far.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's why I said you're the you're you're the biggest and worst manipulator.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're actually doing it all the time.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I gave three examples, and we can go on, right?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: You never helped me with the kids.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we can go on, okay?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: My kids.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just to do a few episodes ago.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um couldn't help it.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: So, but you're the worst manipulator because it it actually, you're never going to achieve the outcome that you're actually saying that for.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: What you need to get better at is understanding you don't feel good about yourself because you don't know how to reach them.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: That the stupid gifts or the acts of service or dropping everything for them, the loving them unconditionally, the forgiving them, they could do no wrong, isn't love that's real.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's a love bomb.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's inconsistent.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: That does not make you a narcissist.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: It means you inconsistently love because you know you'll pull back and take it away.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know you'll go do something else to cope.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: You know eventually you're defending yourself and blaming them, which is why you would say, nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know that you've been in this pattern when you are this kind of person, you now need to want to break the pattern.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't want to be someone who manipulates, you want to be someone who moves it forward.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: One of the go-to things I'm saying when I speak to somebody right now is if you know exactly what it is that you want, why are you doing anything that would not produce the outcome?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, if you think about working out, if you know you want to be jacked, why aren't you getting up in the morning?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's really that simple for a lot of you guys.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: But when you say, I can't get jacked, because I had to stay up with you last night to work, real thing, a man has said.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I talked to a man on a coaching call a couple weeks ago on, I have to stay up with you every night.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's going through some medical shit, blah blah blah.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's horse shit.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you needed me to stay up with you every night, I would figure out how the fuck to get up.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or just work out at some other time of day.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Correct, there's other ways.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: We actually, that's actually the plan that we came up with.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't have to work out at 5 a.m.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody says you have to work out in the morning.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, we gave two parts to that plan.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: We you could work out a different time of the day.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: We could also have a conversation at a different time.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: We can say, like a nice healthy ask, maybe even a boundary.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we obviously know who's paying if she's sick and not working, so he needs to go to work and be able to work.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, guys, but instead there was manipulation.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's you can't guilt and shame someone into dropping everything.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: You did a great job of role-playing, like, oh my gosh, this is she's not gonna just drop everything and be appreciative.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, every- Let me just count the ways that you love me.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank you.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: You really are the worst manipulator on the planet.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't want to continue down the path that you're going on, or worse, end in divorce, then you need to start being way more clear on what you're saying.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: For example, the gym one that I just gave to that guy, I came up with two solutions where he could A, change himself and B, be there for her a different way.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Different, not different way, just a different time.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think is more proactive?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you get the life that you want instead of blaming your partner?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Anything else, baby?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, I just think it's so funny when Kath says things like, you're the worst XYZ on the planet.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: It today it's you're the worst manipulator on the planet for using this line.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing I ever do is good enough.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: But wait, next time we film, you're gonna be the worst something on the planet for something else.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it changes with the wind.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: The point is, though, when he does this, I I think it's cute because he's using it against you guys, not against me.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's cute.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is, it's bad.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: That when he says something like that, it's bad.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to reflect on it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's all.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: My cute husband.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we can go further with that.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I really like this where this went.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, baby.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um I say you're the worst and the biggest manipulator on the planet.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: You could argue this whole episode against me, couldn't you?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: You could literally be like, oh my gosh, you're trying to manipulate me.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: But that's not true.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Another way that could happen would be like, you don't listen to a damn thing that I say.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: But the thing is.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're the worst listener on the planet.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: But the thing is, what I'm actually doing is I'm not, I'm not trying to manipulate her.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm actually just telling you the truth.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that nothing you ever do is good enough.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's that you're saying that to manipulate your partner.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying you're the worst manipulator and the biggest.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm saying that if you say that, you are manipulating.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: You are actually doing it.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's a fucking fact.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: So there's no manipulation.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't agree with me, just like your partner does agree with you, you'll get divorced.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's the biggest point.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's the biggest point.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want you to get divorced.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're disrupting divorce.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: So that's right.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, you need to get help.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked, this has been a great day filming for you guys these last four episodes.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to either go to our app, go.moralmarriage.com, g o.moralmarriage.com, join the free community, and start getting some real help.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Or, easy.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every link in my bio, every bio on any social media platform has a link.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Just go apply.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Find out if we can help you.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: And go get your life.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: See you later.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.