Latest / The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast / Rest and Receive | a conversation with Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith

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Rest and Receive | a conversation with Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

0:04
SPEAKER_04: Hi friends, welcome back to the Simply Wholehearted podcast.
0:08
SPEAKER_04: It means so much to have you choose to take this conversation along with you today.
0:13
SPEAKER_04: I'm Amy Wicks, your host, and here at Simply Wholehearted, we provide perspective, purpose, and plans to help you love God, love others, and live your best life.
0:23
SPEAKER_04: Well, today we have a doctor in the house, and she's sharing her prescription for rest.
0:29
SPEAKER_04: As we launch into the holiday season, yep, that's right, it's here, just a couple weeks away, and some of our busiest days of the year, we need some help when it comes to finding a sustainable rhythm through what can be a really intense season of celebration.
0:45
SPEAKER_04: Dr.
0:46
SPEAKER_04: Sandra Dalton knows firsthand how quickly life can spiral out of control and to have your calendar own you instead of you owning your time.
0:55
SPEAKER_04: When she hit a rock bottom moment, she went to the Word of God to discover how truth could help her live the life that she desired.
1:03
SPEAKER_04: Her book Sacred Rest is available now, and it's one you'll probably want to download or get from Amazon as you begin these last two months of the year.
1:11
SPEAKER_04: You know I'm here to champion you to live your best life, and I believe this begins from a place of rest.
1:17
SPEAKER_04: Sandra has a quiz you might want to take after you listen to her conversation to learn more about the seven types of rest and which one you may be missing.
1:26
SPEAKER_04: Of course, we're gonna tie this all into the Enneagram, and we both agree all nine types need more sacred rest.
1:34
SPEAKER_04: And while I'm waiting two more weeks to share all of my Christmas holiday shows with you, which I can hardly wait, do you know that I have two previous Christmas seasons available for you to listen to now?
1:46
SPEAKER_04: Because I love these conversations so much, I can't bear to let them collect dust.
1:51
SPEAKER_04: So as you start making those shopping lists and prepare your heart and home for the Avent season, you may want to check these conversations out.
1:59
SPEAKER_04: Episodes 74 to 78 have guests like Russ Ramsey to teach us about the tradition of Avent, Miss Shaley Mitchell to remind us that we can celebrate in the middle of chaos, and even Caroline Williams, a holy yoga instructor, to help us stay grounded through the season.
2:15
SPEAKER_04: And if you want to go way back to 2017, episodes 28 and 33 are full of wisdom about navigating a healthy lifestyle through all the festivities to practicing Sabbath during Advent.
2:28
SPEAKER_04: By the way, if you are new to the Enneagram and you need to know the best place to begin, head on over to simply wholehearted.com where you can find my Enneagram Quick Start Guide and my one-page summary, which gives you an overview of all nine Enneagram types.
2:43
SPEAKER_04: This might be a perfect way to follow along in the conversation.
2:46
SPEAKER_04: And now you can learn about what the Enneagram can do for you, what it is, what it's not, and all nine types in less than 30 minutes.
2:55
SPEAKER_04: The Easy Enneagram 101 course is only the price of a fancy cup of coffee, and you'll be confident you're on the right track of your Enneagram journey.
3:04
SPEAKER_04: Also, if you desire to understand and be confident of your Enneagram type, my Easy Enneagram 201 course is available.
3:12
SPEAKER_04: I'm so excited to share this with you.
3:15
SPEAKER_04: Finally, it's just like the one-on-one coaching calls I have with clients or small groups.
3:20
SPEAKER_04: I coach you through the Enneagram stances and the Enneagram and the Enneagram triads to help you determine the type you lead with.
3:29
SPEAKER_04: You'll have lifetime access to this course, and you could also determine your Enneagram type in less than 30 minutes, but with more accurate results than with an online Enneagram test.
3:41
SPEAKER_04: I hope you'll check it out today.
3:43
SPEAKER_04: And by the way, a quick thanks to Jessamine Unru for the lovely music you are hearing in the background.
3:49
SPEAKER_04: Now here's my conversation with Dr.
3:52
SPEAKER_04: Sandra Dalton.
3:57
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
3:59
SPEAKER_04: So, oh that's so fun.
4:01
SPEAKER_04: We'll want to honor.
4:02
SPEAKER_04: I know she has a fantastic reach.
4:04
SPEAKER_04: I'd love to meet her in person myself too.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: So that's it.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: It was it was great to meet her.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: It was very, she's very down to earth.
4:11
SPEAKER_04: Ah, that's great.
4:13
SPEAKER_04: Well, I want to know because we're heading into the holiday season.
4:18
SPEAKER_04: We're all raising our hands of going, oh yeah, this again, it's so busy.
4:23
SPEAKER_04: There's so much, it's a crazy fast pace.
4:27
SPEAKER_04: We never know how we're gonna keep up with it all.
4:29
SPEAKER_04: Somehow we do, sometimes we end up on the other side better than other times.
4:34
SPEAKER_04: So we need to talk about rest.
4:36
SPEAKER_04: We need to frame up the season differently.
4:39
SPEAKER_04: And you are the woman for the job.
4:41
SPEAKER_04: So tell us, tell us about sacred rest.
4:44
SPEAKER_04: Tell us for you, maybe even what that aha or broken moment was that helped you formulate not only a plan for your life, but to articulate for the rest of us how we can practice sacred rest.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, honestly, I burned out is how it came about.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: I had two small kids, they were both toddlers at the time.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, top of the stage.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I was exhausted in physically because of just the work of being a toddler mom.
5:14
SPEAKER_00: And on top of that, I was still practicing full time.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: I had just started writing and getting active in that part of my life.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: So there was so much going on, and I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: And I I'm a type three.
5:29
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: So I, you know, I'm definitely I I'm always after kind of the goal.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: So I love going after stuff.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm a high achiever type personality.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: And so it was nothing for me to grind and grind and grind.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: That's that's just my normal personality.
5:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: But I never at any point learned how to how to relax, how to get how to get restored and re-energize after all of that work.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: And I burned out.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: So I um I found myself literally literally laying on the floor one day and just at the end of myself.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: And that was my broken moment.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: I sat, I was laying on that floor with my kids, and I picked them up from daycare.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: I sat them in front of the TV because I didn't have you know I don't have a live in babysitter, so the TV needed to babysit.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: Is all this work and grinding and producing, is this as good as it gets?
6:27
SPEAKER_00: You know, I had all the things I said I'd wanted, and none of it was giving me what I really needed.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: And so I had to take some time to see, you know, what is it about the achieving that I really enjoy?
6:41
SPEAKER_00: Because it wasn't just the producing, because I was producing a lot of stuff, but what I found was that I wasn't allowing myself time to really enjoy any of the things I was producing.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: And I love that, you know, in the Bible it says taste and see.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: I was producing a lot of fruit, but I wasn't stopping long enough to taste or see it.
7:00
SPEAKER_03: Right.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: And so that was just the mindset shift that I had to have.
7:04
SPEAKER_04: I think you point out such a fascinating thing there because that is the struggle of the three altogether, is that there's always more to do.
7:12
SPEAKER_04: There's another goal to reach.
7:14
SPEAKER_04: So as soon as you're, you don't even have completion of the original goal before you're already thinking about the next goal.
7:20
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
7:21
SPEAKER_04: And that can be a gift that is a superpower, but it is also the double-edged sword.
7:27
SPEAKER_04: It's the curse of there is no pause for celebration.
7:31
SPEAKER_04: There is no taking in the moment.
7:32
SPEAKER_04: Hey, this is what I did.
7:34
SPEAKER_04: It's constant there because there's always going to be something to do next.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it's it's a trap because what happens is you get so drawn in by the work because you're not afraid of work as a three.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Work is kind of how you get fed to some degree.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: It's true.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: So work you don't have an aversion to, but I have an aversion to rest.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: I saw rest as quitting.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: Rest was like giving up, it was a lesser thing.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: And so it took a lot for me to understand that rest is sacred.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: It's not something that I that I just do when I get around to it.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: If I really want to produce at my highest, most effective level, then I have to understand that rest is part of the equation.
8:20
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
8:20
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
8:20
SPEAKER_04: So I promise for all the other types listening here, we will not only talk about type three or the assertive types, because we tend to, the assertive types tend to burn themselves out the easiest.
8:32
SPEAKER_04: But you said sacred rest.
8:35
SPEAKER_04: Give me a definition.
8:36
SPEAKER_04: What is sacred rest and what could it look like for us?
8:40
SPEAKER_00: Well, I love that you said it is not just for threes, because because really, when we look at rest, rest is about restoring, it's about restoration.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: And the sacred part of it is that it connects us back to a relationship to God.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: Because for many of us, when we think about rest, we just think it's cessation of activity.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: We think if I stop, then I've, you know, I've rested.
9:02
unknown: Right.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: And that's the kind of the whole concept of, oh, if I go to sleep, then I've rested.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: Well, rest has so many different, so many more different facets to it than just the physical or the sleeping part of it.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Right.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: And so the sacred component is how our rest connects us back in all of the different areas.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: And so for me, that what I did the research and kind of from the scripture and the scientific aspect, there were seven different types that showed up as far as types of rest that we need.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: Oh, really?
9:31
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: And but the the number one thing that I saw in all of them, they all required me to understand that there was a level of trusting and releasing um in every of the in each of the types of rest.
9:44
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
9:45
SPEAKER_04: So how do we get there?
9:46
SPEAKER_04: Because I think you you hit on something really big.
9:50
SPEAKER_04: And I we've had Shelly Miller on our um podcast a couple of times.
9:54
SPEAKER_04: She's a friend, friend of this community, and rhythms of rest was instrumental uh several years ago when it first came out.
10:03
SPEAKER_04: A friend of mine recommended it, and I'm it was kind of a new epiphany, right?
10:08
SPEAKER_04: You know, you hit that moment of like, oh yeah, this is totally speaking to what I need.
10:12
SPEAKER_04: But the part, the kind of some of the premise of it understanding is that I needed this layer of trust to enter into that, and it was trust in something else other than myself.
10:25
SPEAKER_04: So, how do we get there?
10:27
SPEAKER_04: What does that look like?
10:27
SPEAKER_04: What is the trust that you're talking about?
10:30
SPEAKER_00: Well, for me, I I had a huge issue with thinking that every blessing had to come from the work of my hand, that I that I had to grind it out, and so I was taken.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: First of all, God took me through a couple of different scriptures that really changed my mindset on it.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: The very first thing was in Genesis.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: I gotta admit, I prefer the New Testament.
10:51
SPEAKER_00: So when I'm doing my devotion and Bible reading, I have a tendency to automatically change the test in it.
10:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: And so when I felt this prompting to kind of sit in Genesis for a while when I was writing Sacred Rest, I couldn't understand it.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I realized that rest was first introduced in Genesis.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: But I felt like I understood that.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay, on the seventh day, God rested.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: And as I continued to read that scripture and kind of go through that passage, it took me a while to really kind of get what I was not seeing the first few times that I'd read it.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: You know, man was created on the sixth day, animals were created, then mankind was created, and then you see that on the seventh day God rested.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: And so I'd always thought, uh, you know, I hear that God rested.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: It never really dawned on me to think about what was man doing while God was resting.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Because it doesn't say anything about work until the second chapter, even completely out of the first chapter before it starts talking about the work.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: And I sat there and I thought, God, have we gotten it so wrong that we thought that because you commissioned them and you gave them the assignment that they immediately went into work when actually what you did was you told them who they were and what they were called to do, then you set them in a full day of resting so that they could be filled up in your presence before the work ever got started.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
12:20
SPEAKER_04: Okay, mind-blowing emoji happening right now.
12:23
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: That was a game changer for me.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Because when I saw that, I thought our culture, the reason we're so drained and burned out is we have it completely biblically wrong.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: We think we have to work to earn rest.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: When really the whole pattern was that we are to work from a place of rest.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: It's a it's a it's a complete mind shift.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: Because if you think you have to become overwhelmed first before you then go into the rest, you're always working from a place of depletion.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: Right.
12:58
SPEAKER_00: When you think that I'm a I I can start from a place of fullness, pour out and be filled back up before I have to pour out again, it changes how you go about everything.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: Because you realize that you don't have to pour from an empty cup, that you can you can start with being filled.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: And so that was the first scripture.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: And then I went into Isaiah um uh chapter 30, I think it's 12 through 15, where God is talking to the Israelites about you would rather um you know succumb to this way of to man's way or culture's way of doing things.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: You would rather grind it out by the work of your hand and the sweat of your brow rather than do it my way.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: And I'm paraphrasing this, but if you read it, you'll see it almost says that.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: Yes, uh, rather than my way of doing it.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: And then it goes on to say, in returning in rest shall you be saved, and quietness and trust shall be your strength.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: And the very last sentence says, But you would have none of it.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, God, that's that's the culture we live in.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: We think that we have to grind and hustle and work and people please and say yes to every opportunity that comes our way and all this stuff, when really we're doing it culture's way and not your way.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: We're not having the trust to know that you can lead us and guide us and that we can be confident that even when we release things, that it doesn't mean that they are out of your hands.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: They may be out of ours for the moment, but they're never out of yours.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: And so those two scriptures really started me on a journey of first of all confronting myself.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: Do I can I truly say I trust God if I refuse to rest?
14:44
unknown: Wow.
14:46
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
14:47
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so I kind of I'm gonna connect some of the dots here and I want you to continue us on this journey because really what you're saying, you know, it doesn't matter your personality type.
14:58
SPEAKER_04: Obviously, we both have a bent to being driven.
15:01
SPEAKER_04: It's about the biblical mandate of rest coming first and we work from that place of rest.
15:07
SPEAKER_04: And and then it's trusting, because then we have to, we're so used in our culture to we have to do it ourselves and we have to perform, we have to produce, we have to provide, but instead it's God doing those things.
15:22
SPEAKER_04: So then what does it look like practically for us to to incorporate that, not just because I think it's more than just a 24-hour set of time, especially for moms.
15:35
SPEAKER_04: Oh man, because moms have a huge challenge when it comes to this rest thing.
15:39
SPEAKER_04: It comes from an ongoing posture of working from that place and loving and giving and doing all the things.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: And you know, that's one thing that a lot of times I have conversations with people.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: They say, Are you saying that?
15:53
SPEAKER_00: Are you discussing the Sabbath?
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Is that what you're referring to?
15:56
SPEAKER_00: I think we have lots of books on the Sabbath, great books, uh Shelly Shelly's book, great books on the Sabbath.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: So I think the church as a whole has an understanding of Sabbath, but because we we it's that this it's almost like the Sabbath is such this big concept, and we haven't even figured out how to do the tiny.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, not at all.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: So we can't rest in a day, you know, within a moment, how are we going to even conceive how to enjoy a Sabbath?
16:24
SPEAKER_00: So true.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: To me, it's almost like baby steps.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: I consider sacred rest the baby step to getting to a place of really understanding how to have Sabbath.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: That's good.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: Because you you can't just take someone who is grinding for seven days a week and say, now I want you to take a 24-hour Sabbath.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: They don't know how what that looks like, they don't even know how to begin.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: And so because our culture doesn't show anything to follow.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: Right.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not like the Jewish Jewish culture, you know, where where you're taught that.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you you know, you you are raised in a culture where that is being taught.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Our culture doesn't touch teach anything remotely like that.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: Not at all.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: So so the seven types of rest really are kind of the building blocks to to living a life of Sabbath, to learning how to rest in God.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: Um, and just to name them, uh, the set the three that most people are familiar with already are the physical, mental, and spiritual.
17:23
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Those are fairly common.
17:25
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: And then the four other that came out in the research and the and the biblical uh teachings that I started looking through were the emotional, the sensory, the spirit, the social, and the creative types of rest.
17:39
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: And all seven together are all areas in our life where we are pouring out energy, where we are doing things, where we're using ourselves to give back to the world and our family and to God and others, and to get rest in those areas is to be very intentional about how to restore what you're giving out.
18:01
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: So if you're someone who is social, you know, you're a helper, you like to, you know, you're the one who's ready to serve at the drop of a hat.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
18:11
SPEAKER_04: If there's an opportunity, you're there.
18:13
SPEAKER_04: Or any agreement twos or ones, right?
18:15
SPEAKER_04: In particular, and sometimes sixes.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: So those people have to be aware you're pouring out in your relationships socially, you're pouring out in your emotions, you're giving up yourself.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're pouring out creatively because you may be, you know, decorating something to have an event or something like that.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Right.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: So when you're pouring out in those areas, then think of, and then you feel drained after that event or that uh gathering.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: Think about where you poured out and how do you intentionally get poured back into?
18:44
SPEAKER_00: So to be poured back into eats uh socially, you know, you're giving to people, you're listening to their problems, you're comforting, you're doing what whatever.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: Now, who's doing that for you?
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Where are you getting that from?
18:58
SPEAKER_00: Because people who have a tendency to be very giving of themselves tend to be have a difficult time receiving that same thing.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but they need it.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: They're pouring out of a bucket, but they refuse to be filled back up in.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: And then they wonder why they feel taken advantage of after certain times.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Right when they're when their personal boundaries have not been fully erected because they don't feel they have permission to erect them.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: And so you have to understand that every person has to have personal boundaries.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: That's the only way anyone else knows how not to step all over you.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: They don't know what your limits are, what you feel is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship and in the give and take of the relationship.
19:40
SPEAKER_00: So that is part of the social rest of it, part of it.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: Seeing where, knowing really who are the people that pull from you, who need things from you, and who are the people that are life-giving that are pouring back into you, and being very intentional about making room in your life for the life givers.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be, you know, it's preferred to be face to face.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: Most of our interactions now are very, you know, digital.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: We text and we email and even talking on the phone.
20:09
SPEAKER_00: You don't get the benefit of the facial expressions, the body movements, the voice tones on, you know, if you're on in on um like text and those kind of things, social media, right?
20:19
SPEAKER_00: But that is where most people get that feeling of acceptance and comfort, is in the prep being around the presence of those life-giving people.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: So I'm a big fan of you know, people doing Skype time with their life givers or doing uh what's it called?
20:35
SPEAKER_00: What's it app or FaceTime or any of those kind of um things that are available now to let you have the sense of face-to-face, one-on-one interaction, even if that person's across the country.
20:48
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, well, I bet I've got a lot of friends who are nodding their heads as you're sharing this idea and talking about that, because I don't think I've articulated it this way.
21:00
SPEAKER_04: I've just known that sometimes when I go and hang around certain groups of people or spend time, you know, different social functions or whatever, I leave feeling very different, depending on who's there and what it is and what is required of me.
21:16
SPEAKER_04: And I know I leave tired and, you know, simultaneously refreshed in some ways, you know, especially if it's a life-giving group, but I never know quite what to do with myself afterwards of going, okay, what is it that I need to kind of help level myself out, if that makes sense, and and to find that that restoration.
21:38
SPEAKER_04: Especially, I don't know, like say I spoke at a mom's group, I do a lot of mob speaking and I leave and I loved it, and it's so great, and it's totally my thing, but then I'm also really tired.
21:49
SPEAKER_04: And then I have to go right away and pick up the kids and do the mom thing, and then like for the next several days, I'm so tired and I can't figure out why.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: You pour it out.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't that it was a bad thing.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: I mean, your kids are pulling negatively on you.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: They need stuff from you.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: They're not negative people.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: It's just empty.
22:10
SPEAKER_00: It's the dynamics of the relationship.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: They need things from you.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: And I think as adults, we have a tendency to gravitate towards the people who need from us.
22:20
SPEAKER_00: And then we think we don't have to have the life givers.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of women have trouble with adult relationships.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: All their time with their kids and all the time with their marriage.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: And yes, those people need you, but you need to have people that are also pouring back into you.
22:36
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
22:36
SPEAKER_04: And that's good.
22:37
SPEAKER_04: I think that's a kind of even a boundaries element is to figure out who those people.
22:42
SPEAKER_04: And it's okay that you can compartmentalize.
22:45
SPEAKER_04: You don't ever have to say it to people, but you, you know, to kind of go, oh, after being around this person, I was not feeling really great about myself.
22:54
SPEAKER_04: And I, it's happens a lot of times.
22:56
SPEAKER_04: I don't think it's just me and like my struggle with envy.
22:58
SPEAKER_04: I think it's, you know, just the energy that we give each other.
23:01
SPEAKER_04: Whereas, oh, if I hang out with this person, I feel, I feel awesome.
23:06
SPEAKER_04: So to cut, you know, to kind of make that mental list of, okay, I am struggling this week and pouring out a lot.
23:12
SPEAKER_04: Who am I needing to give the extra time I do have?
23:15
SPEAKER_04: So that way I come back a better person and not feeling like, oh, how did I just spend my time?
23:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: And you're correct.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: You don't want to label people because what I find is my two closest friends, um, they're both millions of miles, it feels like away.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: One's in California, one's in Canada, and I'm on the East Coast.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: We do a lot of Skype time together, is how we kind of stay connected.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: So great.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: At least once a month we do an hour-long prayer time just to make sure we stay connected.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: That's and so when we when we are together, sometimes they're giving and I'm receiving.
23:53
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'm the one who's kind of being the one who is pushing more out to them than I'm getting.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: But that's the thing with relationship.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: It's a give and take.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: And so we we are aware of kind of that with each other as far as to make sure everyone feels like they're getting what they need out of a relationship.
24:12
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: And so many people get very one-sided.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: You know, you're the friend that this person comes to when they need to vent.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's fine if you're okay with being that person, but then don't think that person's gonna be your life giver either.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: Be there for that friend.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: But just be aware when they call you, they're not calling to pour in, they're calling because they need you.
24:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's the nature of that relationship, and that's fine.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: That's where we get mentors from.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: Right.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: Because some people really just need from you.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: They they can't, they do not have the capacity at that time to pour back into you.
24:43
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
24:43
SPEAKER_04: No, I think that it's that's one of the biggest things.
24:46
SPEAKER_04: I that's one of the biggest things is I coach women, even though we're using the Enneagram as kind of our our way to connect and for me to understand.
24:56
SPEAKER_04: But friendship again and again becomes an probably one of the top three, you know, parts of our conversation because it's such a big deal.
25:06
SPEAKER_04: And post-college, real life looks so different than this amazing incubator that a lot of women experience in college where you're living in the same room or you're living down the hallway from each other and you're taking the same classes and you're experiencing this, and and then real life hits, and you're married, and kids, and you're all over the world, and I it's you just it's hard to find your people, or you think that if I'm not doing life directly with these people, they're not your people anymore.
25:33
SPEAKER_04: So I I think friendships is a huge piece of it.
25:36
SPEAKER_04: And to understand, like what you said, friendships meet a lot of different, you know, there's different types for the different types of needs that we have, and no one person is gonna fit all of it except for Christ.
25:48
SPEAKER_04: Our husband's not gonna be able to fill it.
25:50
SPEAKER_04: Our, you know, the best friend maybe we've had for 20 years, she probably hits most of it, but not everything, because she lives across the country.
25:57
SPEAKER_04: Uh so to to realize what each one is there for, but they can all serve a really important role in our lives if we let it.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
26:08
SPEAKER_04: I love that you do that intentional time with your friends.
26:10
SPEAKER_04: I think that's inspiring.
26:12
SPEAKER_04: Well, you gave us a little sneak peek about the seven types of rest, and I know you dive into it in your book.
26:17
SPEAKER_04: Do you mind just telling me again all seven of those?
26:20
SPEAKER_04: You said three of them we're really familiar with, but the other four were social, creative, uh sensory and emotional.
26:28
SPEAKER_04: Okay, give me a little bit more sneak peek on the sensory because I have never thought about that.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: Well, if you if you look at kind of how you spend your day, I always ask people to what is it you're feeling, you're seeing what's in your visual fields, what are you feeling, what are you smelling, what are the sensations that are happening around your day?
26:48
SPEAKER_00: So, for example, if you're a mom, uh depending on if you have boys or girls, you may be hearing high-pitched screaming of excitement.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: You may be hearing those little trucks hitting each other a thousand times, you may be hearing balls on your hardwood floor hopping around.
27:04
SPEAKER_00: Right.
27:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes, all day long.
27:06
SPEAKER_00: What are you hearing?
27:07
SPEAKER_00: And then what are you what are you seeing?
27:09
SPEAKER_00: Are you um, you know, are there bright lights that are on constantly?
27:12
SPEAKER_00: Are you at your computer?
27:13
SPEAKER_00: Are you getting a lot of blue light?
27:15
SPEAKER_00: You know, what are the sensations that are happening around you?
27:18
SPEAKER_00: Because whether you are aware of them or not, the things that are influxing into your senses affect how you feel.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: We tend to be able to recognize this more in kids.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: So if you have a child who um I have teens, and so they love video games.
27:34
SPEAKER_00: And so I can see in my own kids, if I turn them loose, like on the weekend and say, oh, you know, just play as much or as long as long as I want it, right?
27:43
SPEAKER_00: You know, that's like all day if you just turn them loose, then after like a few hours, you you can go from kind of happy kid to irritable, snippy, totally kind of attitude completely changed.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: At all.
27:59
SPEAKER_00: And it's a sensory overload that you're what witnessing.
28:02
SPEAKER_00: Their body has become toxic from the sensory input.
28:05
SPEAKER_00: So now every little thing has them snapping and jumping in and just hypersensitive.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: Right.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: Well, adults do the same thing, but we have become so conditioned to it that we don't understand why is it I'm biting my husband's head off when he walks through the door and all he did was ask, What are we having for dinner?
28:24
SPEAKER_00: I just wants to eat, you know, he's not being confrontational, right?
28:27
SPEAKER_00: But all of a sudden it feels confrontational because you're on edge.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: And so we have to be aware of that.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: How are the things around us affecting us?
28:36
SPEAKER_00: And so sensory overload for many requires kind of a uh undoing of wherever your senses are being overwhelmed.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: That particularly with couples, had a very interesting um consultation with a woman who came in and was telling me, she was, you know, she's like, My husband and I, we used to just will have a really great relationship, but I don't even like for him to hug me or to touch me when he comes home anymore.
28:58
SPEAKER_00: And you know, he's she was like, and it's really, you know, distressing.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: Right.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: It was, I mean, that was his love language.
29:05
SPEAKER_00: His love language was touch.
29:07
SPEAKER_00: So and hers was kind of a was more kind of the affection and and uh kind of affirmation.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: And so she it was really distressful for the relationship.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: And when we started talking about it, she's a work, she was working from home, and so she was with the kids all day, and she had a lot of little ones.
29:24
SPEAKER_00: She had three, I think they were all less than five.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: And so uh, you know, we started talking about it.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know what?
29:30
SPEAKER_00: You're you're probably touch overloaded.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, all day long.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: You've got tiny hands touching you.
29:36
SPEAKER_00: Of course, you don't want big hands touching you, it's just more touch.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: And so we have to look at how does she diffuse from the ongoing touch that she had from her kids, you know, before her husband gets home.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: How to kind of make that disconnect.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: And for them, what they particularly did was they did kind of a what's called a daddy evening routine where for 30 minutes, since he was out of the house all day, for 30 minutes, he had a time in the evening where he took the kids and did something very specific that was just daddy time where she could have 30 minutes to reclaim her body.
30:12
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: And you would think something, how is something so tiny gonna make such a huge difference?
30:18
SPEAKER_00: It changed everything.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: I totally get it.
30:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:21
SPEAKER_00: Because she needed to feel like a woman again and not just a mom.
30:26
SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: And so it allowed her at that time to disconnect, kind of reclaim herself so that she could make that transition in the evening time to being his wife and not just the mother of his kids.
30:37
SPEAKER_04: Ah, that's so good.
30:38
SPEAKER_04: There's so much wisdom in that.
30:40
SPEAKER_04: Again, I'm just imagining all my friends going, oh yeah, that's me.
30:44
SPEAKER_04: And that would be really easy and maybe can't happen every day, and it maybe has to take on a unique flavor because everyone's family dynamics are different, but implement a specific strategy to get that recharge and refresh that you need so you can be the person you want to be and that you need to be to the people who are most important, like your husband and your kids.
31:07
SPEAKER_04: I think all of this is so good.
31:08
SPEAKER_04: I already know that my friends are gonna want to read your book and figure out for them where how they can implement the strategy to recharge and all the different areas of rest, which, you know, honestly, when you look oh, oh, there's seven different areas because, like you said, we're most familiar with three, but we're probably not taking care of all the ones that need to be taken care of.
31:33
SPEAKER_04: But what are three things that we could do, especially as we head into Thanksgiving and Christmas and the busyness of the season, that we can try to operate better from that place of sacred rest instead of being worn out and frazzled and ending up in January going, I never want to do that again.
31:52
SPEAKER_00: Yes, the probably the first thing I would recommend would be to become comfortable with the word no.
32:02
SPEAKER_00: I think too often we give reluctant yeses rather than truthful no's.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: And so to get to that place of comfort in in understanding what your priorities are, and that every good work isn't your work to be doing.
32:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so just because something is a good opportunity, it may not be the right season, it may not be the right timing, it may not align with whatever your priorities or goals are at that point.
32:30
SPEAKER_00: For example, if someone says, you know, would you like to bake cookies for our the kids' Christmas gathering?
32:36
SPEAKER_00: And you're like, you know, I don't even like to cook, and but to just say yes, you know, just because you don't want to let somebody down, that's not beneficial for you, that's not beneficial for them.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's we have to just get very comfortable saying no.
32:51
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, or just feeling like we have to I will bring you a box of cookies from the grocery store down the street, and here's a platter.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: Being able to kind of reclaim how you're going to do things and not feeling pressured.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: So that's the first one.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: The second thing I would say is getting an understanding for which of the seven types of rest you're needing most.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's I do have a free assessment that people can do to learn that restquiz.com, but to get an understanding of which of the seven types of rest you are needing.
33:24
SPEAKER_00: Where are you pouring out?
33:25
SPEAKER_00: I mean, think about how you pour out within your day, and then just being really intentional about restoring in that one area.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: Um, because most of them is one or two areas that really are making you feel tired.
33:38
SPEAKER_04: You've got a big deficit, yeah, and you need to do some replenishing quick.
33:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, to get poured back into in that area.
33:45
SPEAKER_00: And then the third thing that's really to me specific for the holidays is getting back to an understanding of the sacred part of rest.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: You know, rest is one of those things where it connects us back to the big, the bigger picture.
33:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it connects us back to God, to to learning how to trust in who he is and what his promises are, and to see them for ourselves as something that we can live in.
34:10
SPEAKER_00: And so at the holidays particularly, it's just such a beautiful time to to look at that, to see it as something much bigger than just you.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: But how do you how does your rest affect the rest of the world?
34:24
SPEAKER_00: What is it that he's called you to do or that you feel a passion about, but because you feel so overwhelmed, you're reluctant to even step into it.
34:34
SPEAKER_00: And so in resting, it almost kind of releases you to be able to fully be who he says you are.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: It takes you back to the to that beginning in the garden where he's telling uh he's telling mankind, you know, this is who you are, this is what I've given you the dominion over, this is what I'm calling you into.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: Now come away with me for a while and and just sit with me in this in this understanding and let me pour into you what's needed for before you even take those first steps out into what I'm calling you into.
35:06
SPEAKER_00: And what more beautiful time to do that than leading into the beginning of a new year?
35:10
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that is beautiful.
35:12
SPEAKER_04: And I know that women are being ministered too just from that simple truth.
35:17
SPEAKER_04: So thank you.
35:18
SPEAKER_04: Thank you, Sandra, for sharing with us.
35:20
SPEAKER_04: Thank you for writing this book and doing the research and living out what you believe.
35:26
SPEAKER_04: I really hope that a lot of women will accept that invitation and to take that quiz and find how they can get replenished and operate from that place of rest.
35:35
SPEAKER_04: It's gonna be good.
35:36
SPEAKER_04: Thanks so much for having me.
35:40
SPEAKER_04: I so appreciate Dr.
35:41
SPEAKER_04: Sandra's wisdom and knowledge on rest.
35:44
SPEAKER_04: You can download her book Sacred Rest today or take the rest quiz to learn about which rest you need more of.
35:51
SPEAKER_04: I hope you find time to savor the gift of life that you've been given today.
35:57
SPEAKER_04: If you haven't yet joined Simply Wholehearted on Instagram, then I'd love for you to hop on over to join the Enneagram conversation and be inspired to live your best wholehearted life.
36:07
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36:12
SPEAKER_04: We've got so many incredible things, including a special Veterans Day episode, and our holiday season starts in two weeks.
36:20
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36:22
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36:29
SPEAKER_04: We want others to know that they are welcome here and what to expect in our conversations.
36:34
SPEAKER_04: Now next Monday's episode is going to be that special Veterans Day episode with our guest, Carlos Evans.
36:41
SPEAKER_04: Carlos stepped on IED on May 16th, 2010.
36:46
SPEAKER_04: He is truly a living miracle, but he is not without his scars and life-altering pain due to the loss of both legs above the knee and his left arm.
36:56
SPEAKER_04: It's his strength through Christ that keeps him going, and it seems as if nothing's gonna stop Carlos.
37:02
SPEAKER_04: I know you will be inspired and moved by his testimony.
37:06
SPEAKER_04: I can't wait for you to hear it.
37:07
SPEAKER_04: So until next week, be sure to invite others to join us as we pursue perspective, purpose, and plans for assembly, wholehearted life.