Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1208 - Let Them: The Two Words That Will Set You Free from Other People's Drama

Transcript

#1208 - Let Them: The Two Words That Will Set You Free from Other People's Drama · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: One of the most popular books that I've been hearing
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: about for a couple of months now on podcasts everywhere
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: is from the number one podcast on the planet. Her
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: name is Mel Robbins and the book is called The
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Let Them Theory, The Let Them Theory. I've been too
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: busy writing my own book to read this one, but Kylie,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: missus Happy Families, has spent the last couple of weeks
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: diving deep into this New York Times bestseller that has
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: boomed up the charts everywhere. And today we tell you
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  Speaker 1: what that let Them theory is and what it means
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  Speaker 1: for peace, serenity, calm, bliss and all the good things
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: in your life. I think I don't actually know what
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Kylie's going to say. Gooday, thanks so much for joining
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: us on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. All Right, Kylie, let's get straight
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: into it. You're not the expert on the let Them Theory.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Well, what's the actual title of the book, They Let
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Them Theory, that's it.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: But let Them Theory? Okay, what is if you can
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: tell me? Well, you're not the expert and didn't write
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: the book. What is the let them theory?
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm actually going to let mail tell you. I'm
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: going to read a little excerpt from the beginning of
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: a book because it's just it's such a profound thought.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: If you're if you're reading this book wanting someone to
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  Speaker 3: mody coddle you and to speak gently, she is not
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: the person. She speaks hard truth and they can be
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: hard to swallow.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Slap in the belly with a wet fish.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a little bit maybe across that, a little bit.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe, But this is what she says.
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  Speaker 1: Ok, she says.
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  Speaker 3: The let them theory is about freedom, two simple words,
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  Speaker 3: let them.
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  Speaker 2: I thought you're going to say.
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  Speaker 3: Freedom will free you from the burden of trying to
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  Speaker 3: manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy
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  Speaker 3: to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: start living. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: or please other people, you'll learn to let them. So
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  Speaker 3: what does this look like? Imagine you're at work and
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: their negativity affect you, you just say let them, let
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: them be grumpy, it's not your problem. Focus on your
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: work and how you feel.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I've got to cut you off for a sec. This
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: sounds like that thing that I said to you about
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: ten years ago that really changed our relationship. I felt
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: like you were cranky at me. I felt like you
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: were going through a really, really really rough time.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Doing everything I could to support you and it wasn't working.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: And one day I said, I'm not going to let
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: you be in a bad mood affect my mood, Like
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  Speaker 1: if I'm going to have a good day, I'm having
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  Speaker 1: a good day, and I'm satisfied to just let you
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  Speaker 1: have a bad day. But I still love you and
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  Speaker 1: I'm here to support you. But you get to choose
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: your mood.
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  Speaker 3: And I think, generally speaking, men are a lot better
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: at differentiating between someone else's emotion and their own, so
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  Speaker 3: able to detach.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, you're upset, you can be upset. I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: go about my day. That's kind of what she's saying.
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  Speaker 1: That's one hundred Okay, So if my mother in law
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  Speaker 1: drives me crazy, my mother in law's look at me
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  Speaker 1: and saying, well, if you want to be upset at me.
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  Speaker 2: That's your choice.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm seventy years old and I'm going to live
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  Speaker 1: the life that I want to live. Yeah, this is
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  Speaker 1: the anti change.
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  Speaker 2: Other people book? Got it? Just you?
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  Speaker 1: Do you?
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  Speaker 2: So?
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  Speaker 3: Maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices
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  Speaker 3: and it hits you like a brick. Instead of letting
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: it ruin your day, just let him. Let him have
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  Speaker 3: his opinions. They don't change who you are, or what
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  Speaker 3: you've accomplished, or your right to make decisions that make
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  Speaker 3: you happy. The truth is, other people hold no real
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  Speaker 3: power over you unless you give it to that.
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  Speaker 2: I'm thinking of so many people we need to give
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  Speaker 2: this book case.
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  Speaker 3: Here's how it works.
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  Speaker 2: Are you still going?
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  Speaker 3: When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours
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  Speaker 3: to control, you stop wasting your energy. You recclaim your time,
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  Speaker 3: your peace of mind, your focus. You realize that your
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: happiness is tied to your actions, not somebody else's behavior, opinions,
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  Speaker 3: or moods. They let them. Theory will teach you that
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: the more you let other people live their lives, the
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  Speaker 3: better your life gets.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I love what's going on here. I love
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: what the book is about. When I hear this, though,
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  Speaker 1: one of the great challenges that I'm confronted with is
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: as a parent. As a parent, you can't just let
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: the Yes, you can let the kids have a big
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: emotional outburst. I'm really good at saying, you know what, kids,
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  Speaker 1: if you want to be upset about this, I get it.
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  Speaker 1: I still love you. I'm trying to help you. But
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: if you don't want to talk to me, if you
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  Speaker 1: want to be cranky, that's on you. I'm here when
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: you're ready. So I get that. But you also can't
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  Speaker 1: let your children go and behavior responsibly. You know, you
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  Speaker 1: have responsibility to socialize them.
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  Speaker 3: That's exactly right. Your role as a parent is to
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  Speaker 3: parent them, so to safeguard them and to yes and
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  Speaker 3: to them navigate. Yes.
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  Speaker 2: Does she have any content about because you're.
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  Speaker 3: Not specifically in this book, she.
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  Speaker 2: Does adult the adult.
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  Speaker 3: That's exactly right, and she does acknowledge that a parental
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  Speaker 3: relationship with your child is different, especially with young children.
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  Speaker 3: But she has something that you could go and look
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: on an ebook and have access to. There's just one
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: other thing that's really important when we think about the
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: let them theory. She said, too often people stop there
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  Speaker 3: at letting other people have their emotions, have their opinions.
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  Speaker 3: But there's actually more to it. There's two steps. So
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  Speaker 3: she said, the let them theory isn't just let them. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: it begins with these two words, but that's not the
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  Speaker 3: whole story. Let them is just the first half of
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  Speaker 3: the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step
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  Speaker 3: to this theory, which is let me. So this book
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  Speaker 3: is actually not about other people. It's about us and
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  Speaker 3: what we choose to do following our acceptance of other
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  Speaker 3: people's behavior, opinions, thoughts, emotions, and everything that goes with that.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, after the break, what Kylie loved most about
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: this book? Because my sense is you liked it a lot. Okay, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: they let them theory. Mel Robin's the number one book
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  Speaker 1: that everyone's talking about. She's the number one podcaster globally.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Wouldn't mind if we were the number one podcasts globally,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: but we're not there yet. Can everyone just tell everyone
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: about this podcast like I think we do a I
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: think we do a good pod. Jump online, leave us
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: a five star rating and review. Maybe that'll help us
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: to move up the charts a little bit.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Gee Whiz, please please pretty, please do it?
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  Speaker 1: Is this the bit where you say, just let them
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  Speaker 1: do what they want?
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  Speaker 2: Is that the bit what you said I.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: Was about to say, maybe just write a bit of book.
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  Speaker 4: Oh it hurt a lot, the pain, the pain that
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: we are both going through as I'm writing this current book.
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  Speaker 3: It better be worth it.
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  Speaker 2: It better be worth it.
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  Speaker 1: Oh okay, what did you love most about Mel Robin's
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  Speaker 1: They'll let Them Theory book?
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to share with you three main things that
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: I took away from this. The first one she calls
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  Speaker 3: hacking your stress response. She says, the moment anything happens
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  Speaker 3: that stresses you out, literally say the words let them
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  Speaker 3: put yourself in pause, then say let me and take
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  Speaker 3: a breath, Let me take another breath. Slow your stress response,
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  Speaker 3: calm your body and brain down, take control and regain
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  Speaker 3: your power. I love the fact that she just in
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  Speaker 3: these few simple steps, what happens when somebody aggravates us?
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  Speaker 2: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Well, we we respond reactively. We I mean, sometimes we
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  Speaker 1: ignore it. Sometimes you turn against or turn away. Right,
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  Speaker 1: That's the way that I normally talk about it.
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  Speaker 3: If you're not a confrontational person, you might not actually
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  Speaker 3: have anything to do with the purpose you will ruminate
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  Speaker 3: over that, You'll keep going over the conversation.
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  Speaker 2: I should have said that instead exactly.
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  Speaker 3: Exactly, and so we actually Number one, give our power
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  Speaker 3: to them. All of our energy is focused on that scenario,
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  Speaker 3: and we can no longer move forward in positive ways.
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  Speaker 3: And the idea and the science back behind taking a
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  Speaker 3: breath and stopping ourselves between stimulus and response is so powerful.
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  Speaker 3: And I just love the reminder that I get to
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  Speaker 3: regain my power by acknowledging I can't change you, but
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  Speaker 3: I can change how I choose to see this and
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  Speaker 3: respond to it.
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  Speaker 2: You love it.
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  Speaker 3: Number two the power of let me. This is really
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  Speaker 3: this is so good.
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  Speaker 2: I love this book.
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  Speaker 1: I love seeing you enjoy a book. It's been an
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  Speaker 1: ages since I've seen this.
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  Speaker 3: She said. Regardless of what circumstances and situations of which
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  Speaker 3: you find yourself, using the let them theory, you'll learn
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  Speaker 3: that no matter how big the problem is or how
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  Speaker 3: stressful something feels, there's always something you can do through
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  Speaker 3: your actions and attitudes to make it better. That is
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  Speaker 3: the power of let me. You can't control everyone around you,
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  Speaker 3: or the world at large, or what people are doing
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  Speaker 3: at the park, but you can always control what you say,
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  Speaker 3: what you think, or what you do in response.
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  Speaker 1: I've got to jump in on you with what you're
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: talking about here. This is the ultimate don't be a
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  Speaker 1: victim book. That's what I'm hearing you say. I know
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: that that sounds really offensive. And some people, well, like
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I said, say for what I'm saying, but you said this.
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  Speaker 3: Is I said that at the beginning, she says, some
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  Speaker 3: like she hard truth, really hard truth, even to the
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: point that you are in the wrong. Yeah, like literally,
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: you are in the wrong. If you're feeling x Y
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  Speaker 3: and Z about x y and Z, then you're in
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: the wrong.
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  Speaker 1: I'm hearing take responsibility for you and let other people
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  Speaker 1: be themselves. Does she make the point that if people
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  Speaker 1: really cross a line, that you have to act though.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, of course she acknowledges you're not supposed to be
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: a doormat. Yeah, but that's where you get to decide.
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  Speaker 3: Am I going to stay in this relationship? Is this
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  Speaker 3: a relationship that builds me, lifts me up?
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  Speaker 1: Am I going to put a boundary in here and
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  Speaker 1: say you've just crossed the line?
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  Speaker 3: Yes?
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  Speaker 2: All right, great, Yes, what's the third thing?
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  Speaker 1: We are nearly out of time, and I feel like,
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  Speaker 1: I need to pick up this book and read it
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: as well.
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  Speaker 2: It sounds like fun.
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  Speaker 3: The last thing that she makes is don't be the
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  Speaker 3: person who bends over backwards to make everyone happy. She said,
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  Speaker 3: someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions
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  Speaker 3: that you make. Love it. This is so powerful and
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: as she shared the experience that led her to this belief,
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: I was just thinking about all the times I have
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  Speaker 3: done this.
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  Speaker 2: Give me the short version of the experience.
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  Speaker 3: So one weekend, her best friend is having a milestone birthday.
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: They're going away for the weekend. It's a four hour
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: drive in one direction. But months previous to this, there's
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: another commitment invitation. Her parents have acknowledged that her grandparents
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: will be in town and she's promised that she will
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: be with them for the weekend. So torn her totally torn.
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  Speaker 3: Number One, she wants to be a good friend, but
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: she also wants to be a good daughter and a
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: grand grander. So she decides there's only one solution. She's
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: going to drive the four hours to spend the night
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: with her best friend and the girls get completely sloshed,
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  Speaker 3: have asleep, wake up the next morning, and while everyone's
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: still sleeping, it off she gets in the car and
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: she drives to her mum's place. It's not until a
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: few days later that she's catching up with her friends
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: and somebody acknowledges that the birthday girl was really disappointed
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: and made the comment that why did she even bother
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: to show up?
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  Speaker 1: If she could, if she's going next morning weekend?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Meantime, when she showed up at her parents' house,
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: her mum gave her a big hug and whispered in
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  Speaker 3: her ear, I need you to know, Grandma was really disappointed.
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  Speaker 3: You won't here last.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: Just keep it to yourself, mum, Like you see.
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  Speaker 3: Can you see just in that situation, she's tried in
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: her in the only way she knows how to please
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  Speaker 3: both people and please no one, and she hasn't.
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  Speaker 2: Pleased and no one has.
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  Speaker 1: The sad thing about that for me is there's no gratitude,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: there's no grace.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: People aren't saying Mel's got so much on and at
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: least she made the time to do something. Instead they're saying,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: why did she bother? I mean to me, that's that's
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: an indictment on them. And Mel needs new relatives and
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: new friends.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Draw some boundaries. Mail Robins.
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  Speaker 3: But as I read that, I was thinking of all
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: the times that I have turned my life upside down,
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: twisted into a hundred different knots and like a breath,
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: directions to please everyone, and I've had similar outcomes, and
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: I'm left feeling less than whole and seriously upset and disappointed.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Okay, that there.
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: Is just no grace of it in spite of my
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: very best efforts, It's not enough. And so the things
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: that I love about this book the acknowledgment that I
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: can't change anyone else. This is not new, This is
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: not new. But in me taking on that thought process
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: of let them, I literally am able to just say
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: you have every right to feel that way. I know
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: you disappointed that I didn't get to spend the weekend
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: with you, but I feel good about the decision I
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: made to come and spend time with you.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: We're out of time, But I've got a question for you. Yes,
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: have you been using any of the let them theory
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: on me or our kids?
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: No? I haven't, But I've had a situation just in
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: the last few weeks. It has been really troubling for me,
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: and for a handful of days, I've really been ruminating
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: over the way other people have chosen to respond to
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: a decision that I made. And the problem is, we
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: know why we make the decisions we make.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when you're intimately trying to be helpful, that's right.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: And you're thinking about everybody being a people pleaser, I'm
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: thinking about everyone and trying to make everybody happy in
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: the scenario. But there are plenty of people who are
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: not happy with the decision that I made, and I
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: was getting myself all worked up about it, and then
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: I woke up one morning and I just thought, you
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: know what, them, It's okay that they feel this way. No,
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: not from a.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: It's not from a it's a smug arrogance in your.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: Face, it literally is. I can see why you would
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: feel that way. It's okay that you feel that way.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: That's not why I made the decision, and I didn't
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: make it with that intent, but I can see how
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: that decision may have impacted you in that way, and
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: that's okay. It's not mine to fix it's that's theirs.
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: My role is to take control of the things I
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: can control. I can't control them, but I can control
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: how I think, how I choose to respond and How
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: I Act.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is Kylie Coulson's
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: new favorite book. Fair call It's pretty good.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: We will into it in the show notes. If you
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: would like to click on the link and grab a copy.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media, and if you'd like more information about making
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: your family happier and navigating those tricky relationships, jump online
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: to Happy Families dot com dot a