Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Self-Disclosure and Women

Transcript

Self-Disclosure and Women · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. I love good of stuff.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I never told you protection, but iHeartRadio. And today we
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: are finally coming to an episode I've been hinting app
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: we've been postponing about self disclosure. In this episode, we're
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: particularly talking about women in self disclosure, but especially around
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: things like abortion. I have seen this conversation play out
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: lately A lot of times we talk about it, even
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: if we never use this term, specifically in activism space
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: or the advocacy space. So it is a bigger conversation
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: than what we're having today, and today is kind of
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: a more siloed personal one that I've been thinking about.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: And then the algorithm was like, you've been thinking about this.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, I'm creeped out that you
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: know that, but I have, I know, just to put
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: that out there. Content warning, we are talking about sexual
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: assought and trauma. Uh, take care of yourselves. I don't
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: think we're going to go to in depth, but maybe
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: more in depth than we would normally go when we
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: say stuff like that. So just to put that out there.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: So one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: And note I have not read this, but a lot
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: of quotes are about it is that Britney Spears had
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: a memoir come out recently and there were some very
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: upsetting things that she talked about and shared in it,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: and so I got served via the algorithm. This article
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: from Slate that was about self disclosure and kind of
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: the pros and cons of self disclosure and self disclosure
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: is essentially what it sounds like like, you're disclosing something
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: about yourself. Well, okay, here's a quote from Slate. Sharing
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: a mental health experience or a hardship like a pregnancy
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: loss is called self disclosure. You can self disclose to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: a friend or family member or to the whole world,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: but it involves deeply personal details, though it is far
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: from easy and should be done with care. The aftermath
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: of self disclosure can include any emotion, from joy to sadness,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: to grief to anger. Telling your story in public, especially
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: over and over again, has the potential to make anyone
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: re experience, even be re traumatized by events of the past.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about that more in a second.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: But the quote goes on further. No one can control
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: how others will respond to the disclosure. The person sharing
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: may turn inward on themselves with negative self talk as
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: a result of someone else's take on their story or
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: a clicky headline cavalierly summing up their terrible experience. It's
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: impossible to know what Brittany is going through as her
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: stories reverberate, though her most recent Instagram posts might give
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: as a hint that it's really really tough. But I
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: worry about our experience of self disclosing such personal details,
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: given that she has gone through so much and likely
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: still is going through a lot. This concern is something
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: I have for my own patients too. They are not
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: global pop sensations, and most of them will probably never
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: write a memoir, but many of them talk to me
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: about a desire to share. I treat a lot of
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: college students, and they are on TikTok and other social
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: media platforms. Their posts can draw attention from people they
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: do not know in person, and sometimes in unexpectedly huge numbers.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: So I was thinking about this, and it's kind of
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: funny because I think I've had this episode planned for
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: a while. So I think the episode I did that
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: replaced this one originally the Happy Hour, where I was
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: just an anxious mess and I was talking about fan
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: fiction and how I don't understand relationships at all. It
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: kind of relates to that quote about like you can
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: never when people are interpreting or commenting on some thing
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: that feels very personal to you and you getting hurt
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: by that or confused by that, which is not really
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: what happened, but I was just I was shaken by it,
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: is what I'll say. But one of the reasons I
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: wanted to talk about this is a when I was
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: going on a trip with my friends recently, I got
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: a text from my mom and it was a really
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: long block of text. My mom is, you know, not
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: a typical Texter. She shall occasionally text, it's not her
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: way of communicating. She knows it's what I prefer. But
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: it opened with I read the book and I immediately
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: closed to it. I was like, no, no, no, no, I
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: cannot deal with those right now. But because it was
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: a huge block of text, and I didn't tell my
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: friends what happened, because I think it was clear like,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: oh wow, she something is, she's stressed out, whatever, And
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: I was like, she just texted me about the book.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to read it. I'm not going to
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: read it. I'm not going to deal with it right now,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: because I've talked about this, Samantha for different reasons, For
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: very different reasons, I will say you and I kind
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: of tried to hide this book from our family.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Technically my family doesn't know still, or they haven't told me.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: If they did. Yes, we both, which is sad. It
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: should be such like a happy I want to share
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: it with people, but for different reasons, we both were like, no,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: I really don't want that, and so I didn't tell her.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: She knew it was coming, she knew I had done it.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: She would ask about it and I would be very vague.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: But then I think she just sort of a she
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: looked me up online and it was like, here's the book,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: because I was there when she did it, and so
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: then I had to be like, yeah, it's been off
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: for a while, you know, it's fine, it's fine, and
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: she immediately ordered it. And then I kind of had
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: this vague hope of like maybe she won't read it,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: like maybe she'll just get it and never read it.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: But she read it. She read it, and she was
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: so nice about it. I eventually I think it was
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: like everyone had gone to sleep and I was still
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: awake and I read the text and it was very sweet.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: It was like a super kind like bring tears to
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: your eyes, supportive texts. But and she she was like,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. I can't believe who you've become,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: like all of these things. But the reason I was
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: so stressed about, like her reading it was twofold one
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: was I've like I've come out to her, but never
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: like super clearly, if that makes sense, Like I've said,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: like I've even said I'm asexual, but I think for
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: some people that doesn't register is queer, that just registers
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: and stuff. She doesn't want sex, so I think I
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: had done it. She's very supportive of that stuff, so
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I wasn't very worried about it, but it was just
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: kind of a strange, like I didn't really have this
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: conversation with you. And then the other chapter was the
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: rape kit chapter where I talk about being sexually assaulted
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: in college, which I never told her never. I did
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: kind of hint at it in one conversation, but I
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: never told her because I didn't want to talk about it.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: It's upsetting clearly, like I don't like talking about it.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: I thought she would blame herself and then I was like,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: because my parents didn't want me to go to school
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: in the city, which I think a lot of us
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: can relate to, right, And it's not that that wasn't
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: why this happened, but I was worried they'd be like,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: which is such a silly worry, But I was worried
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: they'd be like, see, we told her.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: You shouldn't go to this, which has happened to people. Yeah,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: so legitimate.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it was more silly, and I don't
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: think my parents would have done that. I think that
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: was more of a I felt stupid, and I don't
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: like feeling stupid. Right, they would have not done that,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: but I felt that way, and just the whole thing
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: fills And this is what I wrote. It's not if
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: you haven't read the book yet, it is not graphic
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: in any way. It is not. That is not what
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: I was going for at all, because and what I
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: described is kind of this feeling of like remembering a
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: movie and just like being like, oh, well, that's what
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: happens on college campus, is right, Oh too bad. I
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: shouldn't have done that, which I thought was kind of
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: really very upset. That is incredibly upsetting, but it's not
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: graphic graphic at all, but she so she had this
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: whole thing in the text that was like that never
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: should have happened, so sorry. And the first thing I
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: wanted to text back was like, it wasn't your fault,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Like no, why am I thinking like this? Oh? But
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I was immediately worried that she felt bad, and so
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: it was like a really supportive text. I feel guilty
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I didn't tell her and that she found out about
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: it like that, But I thought it was pretty telling
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: that My first thing was like, Okay, I feel I
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: need to reassure her it's her fault. It's not her fault,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: like or else she's gonna feel really bad and it's
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: gonna be all my fault. And so I get this
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: thing about self disclosure, and I was reading it and
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, because I wanted to share that.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: But I think that's one of the things where it's
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: complicated because you feel we were just talking about this.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Some days you feel good with that and some days
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: you don't. And I wanted to share in particular that
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: instance because it wasn't I mean, I never wouldn't want
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: to share something graphic, but it was just sort of
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: more of my feeling I had after than anything else,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: But I did feel like I had to share it,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: and I think that a lot of people do feel that,
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: and it's unfortunate because if we don't have these conversations
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: we've seen like nothing happens our people don't know that
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: it happens or what's going on. They don't know. But
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: then when you do, when you get something like me too,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: when you have people who are finding this wonderful connection
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: online and supportiveness online, it's also a pressure to do that,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: and then you can get retraumatized. You can have people
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: who are commenting on your story who don't know you,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: and it can happen like anytime you could be just
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: going about your day, scrolling through I don't know, whatever
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: you like to look at on social media, and then
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: you see a comment it's like, oh, I don't believe you,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: or there's some kind of comment that will upset you
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: because you shared the story because you wanted to tell
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: people the story and hopefully change things or help change things,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: or help make things more clear. So that happened to
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: my mom, and I haven't talked about it yet. I
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: was just telling you my foot off, calling her that's
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: part of the reason why we haven't talked about it yet.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I texted back and I was like, thank you for
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: reading it. I'm going on vacation because she was kind
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: of like, take care of yourself, do something fun, and
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: I was like, on it. But when I was, it's
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: been on my mind. And when I was in Vegas
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: recently for work, I had this really cathartic dream. And
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I know people don't like caring about dreams, but ultimately
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: what happened is at the end, I was yelling at
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: a fun like who was kind of hurting herself, sharing
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: all of her pain with people, like you don't owe
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: anyone anything, You don't owe anyone anything. And I woke
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: up like like I needed to have that that moment.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: And you know, it's not that I regret it at all.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I think it's just it's it sucks. And you and
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: I started this journey together as co hosts talking about
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: this stuff like self disclosing this very painful stuff, and
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: we thought it was important and we talked about it,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: and we were very careful with each other, checking in
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: on each other, like making sure, Okay, how are you,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: how are you? How are you? So I think we
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: did it well, and we did it looking out and
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: making sure we weren't doing something that would hurt us
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: more than it was already gonna hurt because it's painful,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: and I never, like, I don't know, I do try
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: to share the things I feel more like I can
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: handle this, and there are other things I just won't,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: I won't never ever share. And I think about that too,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: because I don't know if you remember this, Samantha, but
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: one of the I think it might have been the
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: first conference we went to together podcast conference in Orlando,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: somebody in an audience asked us, like, where do you
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: draw that line? Where is the line between I want
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: to share this because I think it's important and also
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I just want someone to know, versus thinking about your
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: own health. But they also brought up like the health
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: of the people in your life who might listen to it,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: how that might hurt, And I think that was a
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: more specific family issue she was discussing. I think about
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: that a lot. I think if at that quite a bit,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: And the answer is, you know, it's personal for everyone.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: It can change. I do think it's worth examining why
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: you want to share it and really thinking about what
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: it will mean for like maybe the worst person to hear.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: What would it mean if it's out there they could right,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know, it's complicated, right, I.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: Mean, I think it was interesting because it was set
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: for the four of us, the podcast hosts from Ethnically Ambiguous,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: who are great people Sharene and Anna and we did.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: We got because we were talking on very personal stories,
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: both of us with the shows because we had begun again,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: Like we talked about our trauma series, us going through
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: a lot of trauma. And it's interesting when I think
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: about how far we've come through in understanding our limits.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: And I've learned those as I've gotten older because in college,
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: as a very heavy the Christian teacher, I taught testimonies
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: are the way to go, and the harsher the story is,
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: the more likely you're gonna get engagement and people will
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: trust you. It's literally a voyeuristic field day for people
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: to hear those who have gone through the worst things cancer, drugs, rape, murder,
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: like any of those things. And as an adoptee, people
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: love hearing my pain, and then people love hearing white
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: people have saved me. And I was a circus show
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: to prove the value of Christian Saviors, and I never
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: realized it because I was so engulfed in feeling guilty
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: in having survivors guild. And we've talked about this so
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: many times that I old my life by sharing this story,
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: these stories, and I still feel that guilt. In order
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: to be taken seriously, in order to be taken seriously
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: by the crowd of me proving that I have faith,
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: I had to share the most personal stories to the
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: point that I worried that people were going to think
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: that I'm lying. Yeah, and I know we're gonna talk
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: about this, You're probably gonna talk a little more about
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: this in a bit, but like, there's so much to
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: this conversation of who you're doing it for, and as
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: a person of color, realizing what it was for, realizing
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: what my story was used for. And yet it included
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: so much, like it almost included a human drafficking level
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: of conversation. And then again like the like I've talked
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: about in the book about an abortion chapter about me
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: being used as a scapegoat, me being personally told that
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: I should be of all people uh pro birth, essentially
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: that I am a horrible hypocrite for not being so
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: and I bought into that until recently I bought into that,
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: saying that how could I be You're so right, I
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: owe this to the people who saved me. And some
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: people who quote unquote saved me. Are this very people
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: that I'm hiding the book from, I'm hiding my job from.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: They don't ask about my job other than are you
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: still doing it? Okay? And that's the end. The fact
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: that they have no clue and I've hit it from
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: people who I think would accept and be proud of
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: what I've done just because I don't want them to know,
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: and not because I'm ashamed, but because I don't want
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: to fight and I don't want to feel even more
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: separated from them. But it is. It's this level of
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: like the self disclosure of what people want to hear,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: the voyeuristic level of people thriving and knowing, well, my
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: life wasn't as bad as hers, thank God, or if
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: she was really big mess and I'm so much better
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: off than that, thank God, or look at my people
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: what we did for her people, she should be so grateful.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: That's right, which is one of the big comments that
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: I've seen recently of adoptees who are trying to find
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: their identity, criticizing their own upbringing and therefore they are
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: ungrateful monsters. And I've seen it. I've seen the comments,
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: which is really hard for me to take because it's personal.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: But that's again like that level of self disclosures, like
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: at what point is it for them more so than
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: for us?
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: Right? And that is something to think about when self disclosing,
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: because people, bad actors will use your story perhaps in
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: a way you do not want to prove a point
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: you did not mean. And there are certainly things that
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I've been like, okay, I just that's better off never
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: being said. I'll keep that one to myself. And there
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: is the worry of like, oh, people won't believe this.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: I've definitely had people dismiss me because they're like, but
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: you seem so okay, and I'm like, right, okay, great,
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I guess.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: You've said that I'm fixed.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: Thank Yeah. And one time I did and I hate
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: that I did this, but it just got so frustrated
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: with somebody who was telling me like he just couldn't
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: believe there was this level of sexual assault. And that's
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: every time how I was like, well, let me tell
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: you about all of this that has happened to me
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: me and he, like to his credit, was like, oh God,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, but I should I felt like that
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: wasn't we shouldn't have to. Yeah, I shouldn't have had to.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: And I wish I had. I wish I had it.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: I wish I because I don't like that I told
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: it in that way. It didn't feel like a choice.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: It felt like I was so upset. It just came
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: out like I didn't make the decision to disclose it.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: And that's one of the things, like going back to
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: what that slight article was saying, what they were sort
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: of warning about, was you know, when you don't realize
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: maybe the internet is forever, our book is forever, and
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: you do it that maybe you won't you'd wish you
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: had it, or maybe you did it in like kind
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: of an impulse thing and you didn't think it through
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: all the way. And I wish you had it. I
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: thought the book, Trust me, I had many times I
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: could have removed it. So that's not what happened there,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: but it in this instance with this person I was
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: talking to, I wish I hadn't done it like that.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: And there's also something that happens that you were kind
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: of talking about Samantha that I experienced in writing this book.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying it's even wrong, but I'm saying
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: that it's it encourages you to self disclose. More is
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: that people would tell me like, oh, that cheft was
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: really powerful, so powerful, and I'm glad, But then that
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: makes you feel like, Okay, well, then what else can
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I mind and talk about that would be powerful. I'm
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: to reiterate, I'm not saying that that's bad. I'm just
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: saying that I think that can put in your mind like, Okay, well,
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: then I need to talk about the darkest thing that
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: I can because then I'll get like rewarded for it.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: And as you were also saying, kind of not the
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: same thing, but kind of our internet algorithms also put
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: that stuff in front of you. They are putting up
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: that they're giving it a boost, and so that's getting
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: more traction in something that maybe isn't as upsetting, which
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: is like kind of losing the whole picture of whatever
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: you're talking about, and it can lead to that pressure
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: once again to oh, I've got to share my story. Then,
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: even if you aren't in a good place too, even
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: if it will cause you pain and or you feel
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: bad that you don't because you're seeing like, oh, everyone
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: else is doing it and they're getting all this like, oh,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: you're helping people so much by sharing this and I'm
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: not sharing it. So what does that say?
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: So it's just a mess in that way as well.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: But it's it's it's complicated because it's also I mean,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: we've talked about it. It is powerful to share those things,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: especially if we don't talk about a lot, and it's
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: unfortunate that people have to. I just saw something about
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: abortion about that because there's a lot of anti abortion
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: laws being proposed across the US, and people were saying, like,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: all of the people who have had abortions and these
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: terrible experiences not being able to get abortions shouldn't have
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: to share these stories. But it's kind of urgent and
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: we need to know. So that once again, just sucks.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: That just sucks. Here's another quote from that Slate article.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: Further self disclosure can also open the door for more
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: self disclosure from others. You share your story with someone,
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: then they share theirs with you. If you are still
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: struggling with your mental health, you might not have the
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: capacity to hold these kinds of responses. As powerful as
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: it may be to know that your story made it
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: easier for someone else to share. Theirs aren't their therapist,
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: and their story might trigger components of yours. Trust me
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: when I say that, as a psychiatrist, listening to other
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: people's stories, it's one of the hardest things I do,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: and I have trained in it. So I want to
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: include that, not to discourage people from sharing their stories
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: at all, but it is true that when once again,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: sometimes you're going about your day to get an email
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, no, it's about this, and it
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: depends on your mental stakes. Some days that email will
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: find me just fine, and it's up to me to
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: know that it's up to me to know that, like,
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: do not read this right now. You are not in
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: the place to do this right now. But that is true,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: especially for someone bigger than you, and I like Readney Spears,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: where you're just getting bombarded by all of these things
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: and it's beautiful to share your story, and we always
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: appreciate people who take the time to do it and
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: the vulnerability of doing it. But I do think that's
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: something also to keep in mind when you do self
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: disclose is people are going to want to do so
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: with you, right and be ready for that and have
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: a plan for that right to protect yourself.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's another point. I will say, like,
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: as a person who had a bad habit of this,
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: because I'm not good at fake answers. So if you
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: asked me how I was doing, and I'd say I'm
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: not very good, and I'd be like how's working, I'm like, well,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: do you really want to know? And then telling someone
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: like I've been called out being like you are doing
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: telling too much. We don't want to hear that. Because
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: my job was that on a constant level, where I
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: had story after story after story of heartbreak and trauma
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: and all these things.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: There's this level of like.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. You don't want me
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: to talk about this. I'm trying not to. But also,
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: if you're friends with someone who works in that field,
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: don't want to ask if you don't want to know, right, Like,
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: just as much as you think that you know, you
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: might know, you probably don't. So be aware of that.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: A Also for those who live in that world, it's
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: hard to separate it from everything else. In self disclosure,
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: that they just This is also why people don't go
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: out a lot or try to hang out with people
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: within their own groups. And then when they're in those groups,
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: if you are not from that world, that world's going
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: to traumatize you.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: So beware.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: Speak from experience in which we uh, you know, we
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: really would have to try to tone it down. But
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: sometimes it was hard. It's hard. It's hard when you
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: live in a world of trauma. And I say this
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: for those who work in hospitals, who are teachers, who
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: are social workers, who are doctor you know, like all
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: these different things, nurses, doctors, all the things. If you
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: were living in a conflict torn world, if you have
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: family in that world, if you have people that you
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: know like you know in that world, it's gonna be
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: hard not to hear it. So there does live like
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: a middle ground of privilege and a responsibility as well.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: So like it's like, yes, for those who of us
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: who are self disclosing, be aware that things are happening
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: around the world that not everybody wants to hear about
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: all the time. But also for those who have never
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: had to deal with that, like you, maybe it's time
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: for you to hear that side as well. But yeah,
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: it's just really hard, it is. And then that therap
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: has been one hundred percent correct, Like if you're not
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: ready to hear it, you might not want to disclose it.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's mostly the point I'm making because because we're
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: in a public space, it's hard though, so if if
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: if we talk about it, people are going to respond
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: to it, that makes sense. So you just have to
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: be ready. You've got to be ready for that.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: And if you know your friends are in a vulnerable state,
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: asking are you okay not probably the way to go
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: if you don't want.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: To hear yes, yes, yes, yes, But also to reiterate,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: like you listeners have been great. There's nothing you have
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: done or said. There's no target of this. It's just
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: something I found interesting when it comes to being in
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: this space and sharing stuff like that and hearing from
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: other people. And ultimately it was sort of like I
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: waited to respond to my mom, but I did read
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: it within the day and I did respond.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Tell you, that was not recking.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: But I'm also like, she read the book. That's so sweet,
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: that's so kind. Thank you for reading the book again,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: more than anybody from so thanks. My mom was so sweetie. Well, yeah,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: those are some thoughts on self disclosure. Like I said
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: at the top, this is a very specific Like there's
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: a lot of realms of self disclosure, this was very
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: specific one, all right, a very personal one. But I'm
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: sure we'll probably come back in the future to talk
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: about it. But in the meantime, listeners, if you have
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: any thoughts about this or any other topics we should
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: talk about, you can email us at Stephanidia mom Stuff
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on Twitter
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: stuff whenever told you. We have a teap public store,
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: and we do have a book. Yes, you can get
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: it st wherever you get your books. Thanks as always
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: to your super producer Christina, are Excited, producer Maya and
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: our contributor Joey. Thank you and thanks to you for
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: listening Stuff I ever told you this question of iHeartRadio.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, you can check
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: out the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast wherever you listen to
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows.