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Fireplaces Full of Ash | The Unlovable Wound Stole Your Hearth · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

• 0:01
  Good morning everyone, welcome back to unlocking the Paradigm
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  portal. My name is Sarah.
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  So I've decided this week to do an episode every single day
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  because I am so enjoying working with everyone on returning to
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  that inner child and remembering who you are before that wound
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  installed itself. So yesterday we talked about the
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  unworthy wound, the one that took your matches and convinced
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  you the fire had to earn its right to burn.
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  Well, today we're talking about the unlovable wound.
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  And if you remember the last unlovable episode, I think I
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  recorded it 18 times. And so far I'm on take number
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  six, I think, as I keep stumbling, fumbling and getting
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  choked up because if you remember that episode, this was
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  a brutal one for me. Apparently it still wants to
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  poke at me. So before we get into this, I
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  want to be really clear about something.
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  We are not moving in. We are not setting up camp.
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  We're going to name it, recognize it, and then spend the
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  rest of this episode remembering who you were before it showed
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  up. OK?
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  Because that's where the real work is, not in the wound, in
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  the light on the other side of it.
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  So the unlovable wound says even if I do everything right, even
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  if I give everything I have, when they finally see the real
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  me, they will leave. So you give endlessly,
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  generously, beautifully. You pour into people like an
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  open bottom vessel, because as long as you're the one pouring
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  out, nobody looks too closely at what's inside.
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  The giving feels like love, and it is love, but it's also armor.
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  You choose people who are just out of reach, emotionally
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  unavailable, perhaps almost there, but never fully present.
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  And it's not because you're broken.
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  It's because the wound is smart. Someone who can't fully show up
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  means you never have to fully show up either.
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  You get the connection without the exposure.
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  You get to love deeply without ever standing in the full light
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  and finding out if the real you is worth staying for.
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  Someone offers you real love and you deflect it.
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  You might minimize it or wait for it to be taken back.
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  Hell, you might run from it. And receiving feels more
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  dangerous than giving, because giving is something you can
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  control. Receiving means standing still
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  and being seen. And that's the wound.
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  That's what it looks like. And now we're done talking about
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  it. Because here's what I actually
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  want you to think about today. Before the unlovable wound
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  needed to exist, before anyone taught you that being fully seen
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  was a risk that part of you didn't calculate.
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  It didn't assess whether someone was safe enough to love, and it
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  didn't choose the unavailable one because the available one
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  was too dangerous. And it didn't keep the fire
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  small so nobody would walk away from the heat.
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  It just ran toward love, wide open, arms out, fire burning at
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  full height. No containment strategy, no
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  armor, no exit plan. If you have a small child in
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  your life in some way, think about that moment when that kid
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  comes launching at you, laughing hysterically, wrapping
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  themselves around you. That part of you is still inside
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  of you, and that part of you it loved because it was built to
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  love, and it expected to be loved back.
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  Not because it performed correctly, and not because it
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  gave enough, and not because it made itself useful or palatable
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  or easy. Because it existed.
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  Because it was here, and because that was enough.
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  Do you remember that? Even a ghost of it, like a tiny
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  wisp, The version of you that didn't edit before speaking,
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  that didn't manage how much of themselves came into the room,
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  that didn't pour into empty vessels to avoid the terrifying
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  possibility of a full one. That version of you is not gone.
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  It is not something you outgrew or left behind or lost the right
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  to be. It just went quiet because quiet
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  felt safer than standing in the light and finding out the answer
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  was no. But it has been in there this
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  entire time, sitting by the fire, wanting someone to come
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  and stay, building walls to keep the bucket throwers out while
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  quietly, desperately hoping that someone safe would find their
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  way through anyway. The wound didn't take your
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  capacity to love. It took your willingness to be
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  loved back. And those are not the same
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  thing. That part of you knew something
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  the wound has been trying to bury for years.
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  Your fire, the full, unedited, unmanaged version of it, is not
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  too much. It is not the thing that drives
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  people away. It is the most magnetic, most
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  alive, most real thing about you.
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  And the right people don't walk away from it.
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  They pull their chair closer. The wound convinced you to keep
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  it small and keep it contained and let people see the glow but
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  not the heat. Pour it into fireplaces full of
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  ash so it never had a real chance to catch and therefore
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  never had a real chance to be rejected.
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  But a fire kept permanently small to avoid rejection isn't
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  safe. It's suffocating.
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  And that part of you, the one that was built to love wide
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  open, has been suffocating for a long time.
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  What would it feel like to let it breathe?
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  Not all at once, not in front of everyone.
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  Just a little more than yesterday, maybe a little less
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  managed, a little less edited. What would you say if you
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  stopped performing the acceptable version and just said
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  the true thing? What would you reach for if you
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  stopped choosing the ash filled fireplace and let yourself want
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  a real 1? The answer to those questions?
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  That's who you were before the wound.
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  That's who you still are underneath it.
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  And that's exactly who has been waiting for you to come back.
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  You start by letting love land. This is how you come back.
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  Not in a big dramatic way. Something small someone says,
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  something kind and instead of deflecting it, you just let it
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  in. Two seconds. 5 seconds.
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  You feel the discomfort of being seen positively, and you don't
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  immediately neutralize it. That discomfort is not a sign
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  you're doing it wrong. That's the wound loosening.
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  That's exactly what right feels like when you've been running on
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  wrong for a long time. Then you notice the fireplaces.
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  Where are you pouring your love, your time, your energy right
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  now? Is it landing somewhere that can
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  hold it, or are you giving it to people in situations that are
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  fundamentally unavailable and wondering why you feel so empty
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  when you've been giving so much? You don't have to blow anything
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  up, just notice. Just get honest and slowly with
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  the people who have shown up consistently, who have sat near
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  your fire and left it burning. Let them a little closer.
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  And then the most important one, the one that requires the most
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  from you, talk to that part of you that's been sitting by the
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  fire alone, the one that's been wanting company for so long it
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  almost stopped believing company was possible.
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  Talk to that inner child and tell it the right people.
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  Don't put the fire out. And I'm going to start finding
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  them. And tell it you were never too
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  much, you were just too much for the wrong ones.
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  And tell it I'm coming back and this time I'm not choosing the
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  ash. You were lovable before the
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  wound convinced you otherwise. You are lovable now.
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  Not the performance, not the managed version, not the one who
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  gives everything and takes nothing.
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  You the full fire exactly as it burns.
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  The unlovable wound lied to you. It told you the real you was the
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  risk, that the full fire was the thing that drove people away.
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  But that part of you, the one that ran toward love wide open
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  before it learned to calculate, that was never the problem.
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  That was always the gift. That was your gift.
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  So stop choosing fireplaces full of ash.
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  Let love land. Come back to the part of you
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  that was built to burn fully and love freely and exist without
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  apology. It's been waiting and it is so
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  ready for you to come home. So keep kicking ass on this
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  lovely Tuesday and I'll be back tomorrow and that one we're
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  going into the safe wound. Leave me some comments like
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  share, subscribe, hype, whatever.
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  All of the things just keep coming back and keep growing and
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  keep tending to your fire and I'll see you tomorrow.