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Why Healing Trauma Requires Relationships · Trauma Free Relationship

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If relationships are where you got hurt, why would healing
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require another person? This is the question we're going
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to answer today, and it sounds like an oxymoron, but there's an
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old saying in the field. What got hurt in a relationship
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gets healed in a relationship. And spoiler alert, we're talking
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about corrective relationships here.
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Relationships that are healing and healthy, not relationships
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that repeat the trauma. Because healing involves Co
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regulation. In other words, borrowing
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another person's calm, steadiness and presence until
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your own system learns it can do the same over time is what
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actually creates healing. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host, Tom Phil, and
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I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
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relational trauma to regain trust in themselves and others
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so that they can experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started. All right.
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As I mentioned at the opening, we're going to talk about why
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trauma in large part requires another person in order to heal
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it. And part of that is because when
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we have attachment or relational trauma, whether it's as a child,
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adolescent, adulthood, it doesn't really matter when what
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happens is your nervous system learns to regulate itself in
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isolation and chaos. And so part of what creates
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triggers in the 1st place is this inability to be able to
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regulate your nervous system because what created the trauma
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was part of that isolation. We've talked about this before
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on the podcast. Part of what really creates
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trauma is not the incident itself, although that can
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certainly be traumatic, don't get me wrong.
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But what really creates it is the isolation, the lack of
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anybody being there to help you process it, to make sense of it,
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to put to to put it into a coherent story and understand
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and create meaning out of it. And that is often times what
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gets stuck in our body is that lack of meaning and that lack of
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somebody else coming and Co regulating with us.
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So when I say healing involves Co regulation, that often is
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what is what is lacking when when the person first had or was
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trauma was created. And you, you've heard me say
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this before. It's not so much always what
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happened to us, it's what didn't happen.
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And that's precisely what I mean.
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We didn't have somebody show up and help process this with us.
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We didn't have somebody help us understand and create meaning
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out of the event. We didn't have somebody show up
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who was soothing and comforting and reassuring and able to Co
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regulate our ability. The other day.
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I was just watching a video online recently and there was
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this is in the UK, there was a boy who was walking with his
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parents past the the guards that stand outside.
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I believe it's it's parliament. I could have that wrong or or
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that the King's the King's residence there.
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But we all know the guards with the the red suits on and the big
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the big fluffy hats and how majestic they are standing
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there. Somehow in the in the crowd, the
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boy got separated from his his parents and was obviously very
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scared when he saw the guards. He ran over to one of the
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guards. Now what makes this interesting
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is the guard had like 2 minutes left on his shift.
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Now if you know anything about these guards, they're not
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supposed to break or react to anything and for anything.
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Their job is to stand there and people come up and take pictures
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and they don't react and respond and, and you know, only in in
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extreme cases do they do that. Well, this boy obviously was
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very scared. He came up to one of the guards.
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He was tugging on the guards coat.
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The guard had to look. He had two minutes left on on
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his shift. And so he told the boy very
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discreetly, you know, hang on to my coat.
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I'll be with you in a minute. And as soon as his shift was
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done, he immediately leaned down and he hugged the boy and he
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told the boy that he was all right.
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And he told the boy that he was going to help him find his
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parents. And the boy was crying in in
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into his red coat, his beautiful red coat, saying don't, don't
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leave me. I'm scared.
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He saw that person in the uniform as somebody that was
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going to be helpful, as an authority figure and somebody
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who is bigger, stronger and wiser.
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This is what we do when our attachment is threatened.
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And when we feel scared, we go to somebody that we feel like is
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bigger, stronger and wiser in those moments to help soothe our
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fear. And of course, the the guard
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that was kneeling down to the boy was able to comfort him and
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soothe him, let him know he was going to be all right, that he
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was going to help him and that they would find his parents
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again. That's a great example of Co
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regulation in that moment, as scary as that was for that boy,
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and all kinds of fears were running through his his mind,
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right. Will I ever see my parents
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again? And will I ever go home again?
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Everything I've known about my life is that gone now that I
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can't find my people, my, my safe space, so to speak, which
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are his parents. It was helped, soothed in that
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moment and regulated in that moment because of what that
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guard did. And so that's just kind of an
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example of what it's like to Co regulate when we need it.
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If we have a trauma in our life and there's nobody there to help
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us Co regulate, then oftentimes that dysregulation stays stuck
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in our body and our nervous system adapts to that and it
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learns, oh, this is really painful.
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No one's here, we're going to get through this, but we're
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going to adapt to this in in unhealthy ways.
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And one of the ways we're going to adapt to this is we're going
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to create a lot of anxiety around anything in the future
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that might hurt like this again, that might even resemble closely
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what just happened. We're going to remember this
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context. And if somebody gets close to
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triggering this, then we're going to send off all kinds of
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warning bells and smoke alarms inside of you to warn you of
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this impending danger. And when we have somebody that's
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able to come alongside us, and when we have somebody that's
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able to Co regulate with us, then that can make all the
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difference in the world for our ability to be able to re
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regulate ourselves. So, you know, trauma is often
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born out of experiences of misattonement, abandonment,
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intrusion, emotional unsafety, obviously emotional, physical
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and sexual abuse as well. But there's a broad spectrum of
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what actually creates trauma when we have an overwhelming
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experience. If there's nobody there to help
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us regulate and, and to help us be able to break that down in,
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into some sense of meaning in our lives and what it means for
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us, then often that lack of meaning and that dysregulation
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is what creates trauma. And so it's not just, you know,
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trauma isn't just what happened, it's also what happened alone or
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what didn't often happen to you as well.
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And, and we can have, you know, we can have an understanding, we
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can look back as adults and we can go, Oh yeah, I can tell you
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about what happened in my trauma.
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I can tell you about what these events that occurred that that
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were hurtful, painful in some sense, but when I actually get
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close to re experiencing that, that's very different.
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So cognitively, we can stand at a distance sometimes and and
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look back and go, Oh yes, that was hard, that was painful, but
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I don't know if it was traumatic.
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And I hear that a lot. I hear that a lot from people to
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say, well, you know, this happened.
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And and they're telling me without being in the experience,
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they're describing what happened, not re experiencing
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what happened. And they're able to cognitively
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look back and say, yeah, but that wasn't, you know, I saw
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that as a good thing. And my dad, when he would when
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he would beat me, he taught me how to be tough.
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And that was actually, you know, a good thing.
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Well, certainly, I'm sure it had some positive outcomes, oddly
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enough, because maybe you're able to withstand a certain
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amount of pain today. Maybe you're able to be tough in
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your job and what you do and it requires that.
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But when I get somebody into their experience and they're
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actually experiencing what what they went through, often than
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not, they can look back at that and say, yeah, that was actually
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extremely painful and nobody was there to help me make sense of
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that. And so often times trauma is not
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exactly what's happened to us, but it's what didn't happen.
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And primarily on on this podcast, we talk about
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relational and attachment trauma because by by far that is the
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most common type of trauma, hands down.
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We don't talk about, you know, car accidents or, or other what
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we call type 1 trauma or big T trauma.
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Certainly those can be traumatizing, no question about
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it. But my point here is that even
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type big T trauma, type 1 trauma, even that is relational
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in nature. Because if you get into a car
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accident and you think you're going to die, if there's nobody
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there to help process that for you, obviously if you live,
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there's nobody there to help process that for you.
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Then you are left still processing that on your own and
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nobody's there to help you regulate and make sense and
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meaning of that. So even type one or big T trauma
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is relational trauma in in a sense that that we still need
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people to help process and metabolize and create meaning
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and regulate around what might have happened to us.
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So Co regulation is absolutely crucial.
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And This is why when we're healing trauma, it often
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requires another relationship. Now that can be a relationship
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with your partner, that could be a relationship with a best
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friend, it could be a relationship with a parent,
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certainly a a trauma coach, a therapist if you have one.
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You know, all different kinds of relationships can be healing for
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us. So it doesn't have to be 1
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specific kind of relationship, but being able to have somebody
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help us Co regulate as we re experience something like that
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is part of the healing process. And you know, we are wired to
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regulate emotions together. That's primarily what attachment
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is. Attachment is a relationship of
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Co regulation and it is where we feel a close enough bond to
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somebody that our nervous systems are are sort of
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intertwined around each other. And, and so when one person
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becomes dysregulated, it can often dysregulate another
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person. I remember when I was living in
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another state one time we we had gone on vacation and came back
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home and I happen to be the first one come through the
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garage into the kitchen and the water line on a refrigerator had
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broken and it completely flooded the hardwood floors in the
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kitchen. And there's standing water
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everywhere. And the hardwoods were, were the
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hardwood floors were all buckled.
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And in my, my surprise, I was like, Oh my gosh.
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And my son, my oldest son at the time, which I, I didn't realize
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he was right behind me. And when I responded that way,
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he became very upset. And he started to cry.
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And he went over and he sat down on the stairs and he was scared.
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He was upset. He wasn't even really aware of
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what was happening or the significance of it.
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He was too young. I think he was about maybe 3 at
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the time, maybe 4 at most. But my reaction caused a
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reaction on him. Why?
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Because we were attached, our nervous systems are wrapped
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around each other and when I became dysregulated, it
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dysregulated him. And so I had to stop and go over
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and soothe him and comfort him and let him know that everything
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was going to be OK, that I was just surprised that this is all
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fixable and so on and so forth until he felt better.
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So this is what I mean. When we have we have
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dysregulation and, and healing requires Co regulation.
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Not that that was traumatizing for him, but it was certainly
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scary for him, not because the the house was flooded, so to
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speak, but because of my reaction when it first happened.
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And so our body and our nervous system responds to these
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moments, and it holds on to these moments as a way of trying
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to keep us safe. We are wired first and foremost
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for safety. And though we are made for
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connection and we're made for protection, that protection
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shows up anytime we don't feel safe.
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And that can be, you know, to the outside world.
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If something happens that can be in our relationships, if
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something happens when we sense danger in our relationships,
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that is our attachment system and our warning system telling
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us that that somebody that we depend on to help Co regulate
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us, that bond is, is is being strained in the moment.
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There's a threat there to that and that's part of how our
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nervous system adapts. And so safety isn't so much a
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thought as it is a felt experience.
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When we have somebody to help us Co regulate, it's a feeling of
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safety. It's not a thought of safety.
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It is a I'm relaxed in my body and I'm now more safe and I can
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feel that in my body. And when I'm safe, I can now
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experience a full range of emotions.
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I'm now in a place to use all parts of my brain and to
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integrate my feelings and my thoughts and I can actually draw
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on my needs, communicate those needs to my partner better.
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And so communication between partners increases when we are
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regulated and when we have a felt sense of safety.
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So the nervous system is hugely important in trauma.
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And we learn that more and more as more and more studies come
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out. I've mentioned it before, one of
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the, quote UN quote, Bibles of trauma is a book by Bessel
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Vander Kolk. It is called The Body Keeps the
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Score and he's been on the leading edge of trauma research
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for decades now, maybe 40 to 50 years.
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A a wonderful man and expert in this field.
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And he's been able to really amass A tremendous amount of
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research to be able to help us understand what happens in
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trauma, Not just trauma through combat or through a, a
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motorcycle accident or car accident, but also interpersonal
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trauma, trauma through our closest relationships.
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And it, it, it, it stays locked in our body and into our nervous
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system. And as a result, when we
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experience that connection actually equals danger because
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of some trauma, it actually takes another person for us to
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then be able to have our nervous system respond with connection
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equals safety and a felt sense of that.
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So when we're able to use our partner or use somebody else to
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help regulate us, then we have that felt sense of safety for
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sure. That also reduces a sense of
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shame as well as self blame. And because that often comes
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along with trauma, usually there are at least a couple, if not
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three, things that happen when we have unresolved trauma. 1 is
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our nervous system tells us a story about ourselves.
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Two, it tells us a story about others and three, it tells us a
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story about the world often times.
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And so we have a, a, you know, we're very young, maybe 5-6
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years old, young enough to remember.
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And all of a sudden a parent dies.
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That might tell us a story about others that, you know,
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relationships aren't safe because people can leave at the
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last moment. That could create a lack of
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trust for others. Maybe you grew up and had a
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father or an uncle that molested you if you were especially young
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girl, because the rates for young girls versus young boys
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are much, much higher. Very disproportionate rates on
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molestation inside the home by a relative or family member,
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right? So maybe you grew up learning
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that men are unsafe and you're always very leery about men.
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Who would blame you? I can certainly understand
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making creating the meaning out of that.
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If you don't tell anybody, if you hold that inside for years,
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whatever that might be, those stories live inside you and they
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live inside your nervous system. They don't necessarily live
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inside your brain. They come up in certain context
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as a reminder and they come up in your body with feeling unsafe
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in those moments. And so as as a result, when we
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try to heal alone, often times we we fail to integrate one of
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the most important parts and that is somebody else to help us
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regulate that. So we can be prone to over
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intellectualizing our emotions, we can be prone to avoiding
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vulnerability and we can be prone to self regulating that
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actually turns into self isolation and and these don't
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actually heal. The trauma, years ago I had
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somebody I was working with and he had been kidnapped and
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repeatedly raped and for years his symptoms got worse and
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worse. He was let go obviously at some
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point, but for years his symptoms got worse and for years
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he would go and he would try to help himself re experience the
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terror and help himself regulate that better.
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He would go into a closet and he would try to re experience in
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his mind what was going on. It wasn't working, it was just
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actually making things worse. He became more isolated.
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He rarely left his home, had a huge mistrust of others.
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It it took all he can sometimes to even come see me, but slowly
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over time, our relationship was able to help him regulate his
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nervous system so that he not only began to heal some of the
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actual memories, but he began to actually heal this narrative
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that others are not trusting. I can't trust others.
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And so he began to be more open, he began to be more vulnerable,
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he began to feel more safe in his body because of that
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relationship. And it just doesn't have to be a
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relationship with a professional.
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It could be any kind of healing relationship.
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Hence, when I said spoiler word at the beginning of the show,
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you know, that's what I'm talking about.
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Corrective experiences are just that.
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They're healing experiences, their experiences that help us
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sort of rewire our nervous system so that we experience a
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sense of safety and calm and not experience something that's
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actually dysregulating. You know, you might have some
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great friends that you love being around and every time
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you're around them, and maybe it's not very often, but every
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time you get to be around some of the your close, close
22:10
girlfriends, close sky friends, whatever it might be, you know,
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you just have this sense of safety.
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You're just relaxed. You have a good time.
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You know, especially guys, we kind of rib each other, tease
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each other. That's part of how we bond.
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And so, you know, that might be part of it, but it's just in
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doing that, you just feel like, oh, this is actually good for my
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soul. This feels great to be back with
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these people that I love, that I know love me, that are there for
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me. And even though we're giving
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each other a hard time or doing whatever, this feels so good and
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your body has a felt sense of safety and, and those are kind
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of healing relationships when, when that can happen.
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So healing relationships are mutual.
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They're they're boundaried and they're choice based, meaning
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that we choose what is healing to us.
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It's not forced upon us. If you're going to see a
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professional and it doesn't feel like a healing relationship to
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you. If it doesn't feel like this
23:14
person is is actually making you feel more safe in your body, pay
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attention and listen to that. Because that may not be a good
23:23
fit for you if you keep going back to your parent and and
23:28
you're hoping to get a different outcome.
23:30
But every time you do, your parent makes you feel unsafe in
23:34
your body. That's not a corrective
23:36
relationship. That's not a healing
23:38
relationship. That is a relationship that's
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actually re traumatizing you. And I say that very loosely and
23:45
very lightly. They may not actually be putting
23:47
you through the trauma again, although they might, but
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they're, they're creating in a similar experience for you.
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And that can be enough to keep you feeling unsafe in your body.
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And so when I say healing relationships are mutual, I mean
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that you choose who it is that is that is safe for you.
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You have you have that choice. It's not just random.
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You actually can look around how you've peopled your life and
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look at who in your life is really most soothing to you.
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And when that happens, then you really begin to be able to
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choose those people that are healing and corrective in that
24:33
sense, that help Co regulate you.
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And it's not forced upon you. When I say boundaried, I mean
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there are boundaries that are in place.
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You choose people that don't cross those boundaries for you.
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You choose people that don't violate those boundaries, that
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don't coerce or force you or manipulate you into doing
24:53
something that doesn't feel right for you.
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They respect the boundaries of your sense of self and, and, and
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when I say a choice based I I'm sorry, I kind of messed that up
25:05
at the beginning. You do choose.
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And when I say mutual, meaning it goes both ways.
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They get the same benefit from you as you do from them often
25:15
times. And so having corrective and
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healing relationships are really important in being able to
25:25
resolve and help heal some of our attachment and relational
25:29
trauma. As I've said, these can be any
25:32
kind of relationship. It could be a relationship with
25:35
a support group you've been in for a while.
25:37
It's could be a secure friend or partner.
25:39
It could be a coach that you admire and looked up to that's
25:43
taken an interest in you. And, and, and I mean that in a
25:46
very healthy sense because notice again, I said boundaried,
25:51
you know, corrective relationships are boundaries.
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So a coach is not crossing a boundary in any way.
25:56
They truly are helping you and, and, and in such those
26:01
relationships that are corrective and are healing, they
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are consistent and they actually have repairs.
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If there are ruptures, the person is present and
26:12
emotionally attuned to you and you can sense that and you can
26:16
feel that. And that the easiest way to be
26:19
able to feel that is simply to be able to pay attention to your
26:23
body. What's happening in my body
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right now that that I feel relaxed or do I feel some
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tension in my body? I say this all the time on the
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show. Being able to get more in touch
26:39
with your body, whether it's through yoga, Tai chi,
26:44
meditation, you know, walking in the woods, exercise without
26:50
distraction. Being able to feel your emotions
26:54
in and through your body is your nervous system talking to you.
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It's telling you what's safe and what is not.
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And so being embodied is a huge part of being able to heal
27:06
trauma. And the way that relates to
27:09
having others, the way trauma requires a relationship in many
27:13
ways is because we can feel felt, we can feel danger, we can
27:19
feel safety. And our first responders of that
27:23
is our bodily responses in our relationships.
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So you know, relational trauma is a story that often times
27:34
ended badly through abandonment, betrayal, neglect, excessive
27:39
fear that never got resolved or Co regulated.
27:43
So healing requires a new ending.
27:47
You get to write and rewrite the ending of your story.
27:51
It's not done. Where you are is not the end of
27:55
your story. What happened to you doesn't get
27:58
to define you. Your story's still being written
28:02
and you get to write the next chapter.
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And I highly encourage you to find somebody in your life
28:09
that's able to help you rewrite your story.
28:13
One of safety and regulation and Co regulation and and
28:19
connection. Deep safe connection.
28:24
Because healing requires a new ending and and endings only
28:29
change when another person shows up differently than what created
28:34
the trauma in the 1st place. They show up and they're attuned
28:38
and they make repairs and they listen and they take
28:41
responsibility and they name the harm they might have created and
28:46
they respond in an apathic and attuned way.
28:50
And this helps rewire your nervous system, not just from a
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place of oh, this feels different, but from a deep felt
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different experience in your body.
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Well, thank you so much for listening.
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I hope again, this adds another piece, another part of
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understanding to what's going on with your life and in your
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relationships. My name is Tom Phillip and I'm
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here to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.