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Hearing our Ghosts · Relatively Stable

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hearing our ghosts walking the threshold from grief into hope.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: My mother and I often meet in the kitchen.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a central room in this old farmhouse.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: And as she started helping me care for my father,
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: her ex-husband of 40 years with a very bitter past,
• 0:30
  the kitchen has become the place where we meet for rapid fire
• 0:33
  therapy sessions.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: When the ground has been scooped out beneath you,
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: as it was for us when we learned that we had to move from our farm,
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: our business,
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: our home,
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: there isn't time for long periods of exposition,
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: reverie,
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: and pondering.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're learning how to act fast.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your grandfather came to me this morning,
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Mom said,
• 0:58
  as she rearranged bags in the freezer so the loosely sealed
• 1:02
  door would close.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: What did he say?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I asked.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm serious, Mom said.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't laugh at me.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm serious, too.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I believe you, I said.
• 1:17
  And don't we all,
• 1:18
  at the deep heart of it,
• 1:20
  just want someone to say they believe us?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: That morning,
• 1:25
  my grandfather's ghost visited my mother and he told her that
• 1:29
  we were moving in the
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: right direction as we planned to purchase a new farm.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: He told her that he was pleased with what we were doing,
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: to remember the land,
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: and to keep it intact.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Moving money around woke him up, Mom said.
• 1:47
  We don't talk about how the seed money for the new farm came
• 1:51
  from her inheritance,
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: how she was skipped over and I was put in her place.
• 1:57
  When a ship is sinking,
• 1:58
  there's no time to argue over the fit of the life jackets.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You grab the nearest thing that floats and you hold on tight.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way, grief turns to hope.
• 2:13
  Is he proud of me,
• 2:14
  I ask,
• 2:15
  now that mom has become a bridge between the living and the
• 2:18
  dead?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think he is, she says, and goes back to tricking the freezer.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Before moving on to the land Bramblewood has called home for 20 years,
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: the land we're now uprooting from,
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: my grandfather and I were building a farm together.
• 2:40
  He was a poor mill worker who went off to World War II and came
• 2:44
  back with a GI Bill
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: and a vision.
• 2:48
  He built a TV repair shop into one of the largest
• 2:51
  communications companies in the Southeast.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: He was the first to sell pagers in our area,
• 2:57
  and one day he answered a call on a prototype Motorola flip
• 3:02
  phone in the middle of
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: a busy restaurant.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone was appalled that he'd speak on the phone in public.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I fussed at him and told him to take the call outside.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: When we first started talking about building a barn,
• 3:17
  I'd just merged my freelance work at other farms into a central
• 3:22
  hub at an old place
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'd recently dubbed Bramblewood Stables.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: We spent long afternoons drinking coffee in the tack room,
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: driving around to look at land for sale,
• 3:33
  and we just found a builder when he became sick and soon after
• 3:37
  passed away.
• 3:39
  He never saw the land where Bramblewood flourished,
• 3:42
  the land that we've leased for so long.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even before my mother heard his words,
• 3:48
  I knew my grandfather would want me to have the certainty of
• 3:51
  Bramblewood continuing
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: on land that we owned,
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: land we could preserve and keep green in a rapidly expanding city.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know how when you've suffered a loss, waking up is the hardest?
• 4:08
  That moment when you shift from sleep to waking and for a
• 4:11
  second you've forgotten
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: what has happened?
• 4:15
  I was doing that,
• 4:16
  I still do,
• 4:17
  every day as we worked tirelessly towards securing a new farm.
• 4:23
  One morning,
• 4:23
  as the jolts of cortisol flooded my body,
• 4:26
  something stopped me.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I breathed.
• 4:30
  I noticed the difference between the balance in my body as I
• 4:33
  surfaced from sleep
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: and the mental battering that came when I was fully awake.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I realized I had a choice.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sinking back into that sense of ease,
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: of allowing,
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I leaned into the contrasts,
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: resting and on guard,
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: at peace and terrified,
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: grounded and afloat,
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: capable or broken.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: When I was relaxed,
• 5:07
  I felt my grandfather's presence and I knew with absolute
• 5:12
  certainty that I was
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: never alone.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: We're never alone.
• 5:22
  As we prepare for our silent auction ahead of the benefit and
• 5:25
  farewell for
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Bramblewood,
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: no one has been more supportive than Shawn Vaughn.
• 5:32
  Her granddaughter has ridden,
• 5:33
  volunteered,
• 5:34
  and worked at the farm most of her life.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Kids like her fuel our next steps as we work to secure a forever home.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Writing stables are havens where kids can grow up without screens,
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: without constant drama,
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: most of the time,
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: learning skills that carry them through life.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Farms demand that we dig deep and cement our core ethics.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know Sean well before we lost our lease,
• 6:00
  but she has become one of those angels unawares my mother keeps
• 6:04
  talking about,
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: the kin who arrive just when we need them,
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: a phrase collected from a passage in Hebrews that says,
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Be not forgetful to entertain strangers,
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
• 6:22
  Sean and her husband stopped by this week to drop off gift
• 6:25
  baskets for the auction.
• 6:27
  We stood not too far from the place where my mother delivered
• 6:30
  the message from my
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: grandfather,
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: and Sean also began her own story with a caveat,
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: like hearing the nudges of our ancestors is a problem.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to think I'm crazy, but...
• 6:43
  Shawn's grandfather was her rock,
• 6:45
  her world,
• 6:46
  and her very favorite person.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: When he passed, she felt adrift.
• 6:51
  Her grandfather was someone who believed in the land,
• 6:54
  understanding what wealth it was.
• 6:57
  He loved the land and said it would provide for you all your
• 7:00
  life,
• 7:01
  she said.
• 7:03
  After her grandfather's passing,
• 7:05
  Sean experienced waves of immense grief.
• 7:08
  As time went on,
• 7:09
  she still missed him dearly,
• 7:11
  but her connection with him drifted into life.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Until she heard that we were losing the farm.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: With that news, her grandfather's voice came back to life.
• 7:24
  She felt him close and listened to his urges to do everything
• 7:28
  in her power to help
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: us find,
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: preserve,
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: and build a way forward for this farm.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: To keep our work going.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And Shawn marched out with a mission.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: She has gathered gift cards from restaurants,
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: written dozens of letters to news outlets and community leaders,
• 7:46
  spreading our story far and wide on shares on social media and
• 7:51
  personal testaments
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: to why farms matter in so many people's lives.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: As she told our story in the return line at a store,
• 8:00
  a man behind her handed her the items that he had planned to
• 8:03
  exchange and told her
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: to donate it to the silent auction.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So when I talk about listening to our urges,
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: to the nudges,
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: to the voices of beloved mentors and protectors long gone,
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: this is what I mean by turning our grief into hope,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: transforming our sadness into actions.
• 8:24
  The love of what we thought was lost will help you take a
• 8:27
  single step forward and
• 8:29
  another one after that and another until you're striding
• 8:33
  forward confidently
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: towards the places you were meant to be all along.
• 8:39
  It's hard to see and feel movement when we're in the dark night
• 8:43
  of our soul.
• 8:44
  But like the stars behind the night sky,
• 8:47
  there are new worlds waiting for us behind our grief.
• 8:55
  If you'd like to support Bramblewood Stables and our move to a
• 8:58
  new forever home,
• 9:00
  keep up with the updates and share our story so others
• 9:03
  understand the pressing
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: threat of land loss on the future of public riding stables.
• 9:10
  And you can keep up with everything at the Save Bramblewood
• 9:13
  Campaign on GoFundMe.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'll link to that in the show notes.
• 9:17
  But you can also Google Save Bramblewood and it will take you
• 9:21
  to all sorts of news
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: articles and updates so that you can see everything that we're facing and
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: everything that we're building as we move forward.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Currently,
• 9:30
  we're showcasing the stories of each horse in our resident herd
• 9:34
  and we're offering
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: opportunities for people to sponsor their move.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Get to know us and help us spread the word.
• 9:46
  You've got to allow grief to change you or else you'll be stuck
• 9:50
  suffering.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I keep thinking about little baby Indigo,
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: the kitten,
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: when after her rabies vaccine,
• 9:58
  her tiny body trembled as it fought the very defenses that were
• 10:02
  trying to protect
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: her.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's what our own resistance looks like.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't the grief itself that wrecks us.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's our body's fight against what it's asking to be integrated.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: That fight becomes inflation in our economy,
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: cortisol in our bloodstream,
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: and the erosion that happens from bracing too long against change.
• 10:28
  But when the unthinkable happens and the thing that you feared
• 10:32
  most arrives on the
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: other side of it,
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: there will be calls to action.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: You walk through the shock and you notice that you're still here,
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: that you're still breathing and that you are,
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: despite everything you feel inside,
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: able to put one foot in front of the other.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: When my family,
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: my animals,
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: and my business suddenly found ourselves without a home,
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have the luxury of collapse.
• 10:58
  I had to move,
• 10:59
  act,
• 11:00
  and let grief push me forward instead of shutting me down.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Later, mom said to me, this is your superpower.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You shine when there are problems to solve.
• 11:12
  And I wouldn't have been aware of this gift if I didn't have
• 11:14
  someone walking beside
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: me taking notes.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what grief can do for all of us,
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: reveals our strengths that we didn't know we had,
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: open us to new ground,
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: and point us toward hope.
• 11:29
  In the coming weeks,
• 11:29
  I'll be gathering a new group to walk this passage together.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's called From Grief to Hope,
• 11:36
  and it's for those of us ready to move through that threshold
• 11:39
  with support
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: alongside someone who has lived it again and again.
• 11:43
  There will be both virtual and in-person options rooted in the
• 11:48
  deep healing land of
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Lavender Hill after our move.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: However you choose to join me,
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: from afar or face to face,
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: the land itself will be a part of the circle,
• 11:59
  holding us steadily and reminding us of the way forward that is
• 12:03
  in step with our
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: ancestors,
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: with nature,
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: and with ourselves.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim