Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 12. The reality of family law and the court system

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12. The reality of family law and the court system · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me In today's episode.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: What I'd like to discuss is the reality of the legal system and the court system when you're navigating separation and particularly co-parenting issues with someone who has high conflict personality traits and where there's ongoing coercive control and post-separation abuse.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: It's really common, when an abusive controlling relationship ends, for the focus to turn to the children and for the controlling, abusive person to attempt to obtain a significant amount of parenting time with the kids.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: This is true even if, prior to separation, they've been fairly disinterested parents.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I've worked with women whose ex-partners were seeking equal shared parenting time so we often call that 50-50 shared care Even though those men were living at home with their parents and had no appropriate accommodation.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: In other cases, those particular men didn't even know the birth dates of their children, weren't sure what school year their kids were in, had never set foot in their children's school, never attended parent-teacher interviews or any extracurricular activities.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I've also worked with women whose ex-partners were seeking equal shared care when they had significant drug and alcohol addiction and criminal behaviour.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: One of the things that I think we really need to cover off first is the fact that if you have received any sort of support for family violence, either prior to leaving the relationship or soon after leaving the relationship.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: You will be probably used to being supported, potentially, particularly if we're talking via a support worker.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: You will be used to being believed.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: You will be used to your situation being taken seriously.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: And we only have to look at the TV, listen to the radio, scroll through social media to see that there are so many behaviours abusive behaviours that are called out in relationships.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: We're encouraged to make a stand against things like that.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: We're encouraged to leave abusive situations.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: The problem is that once you have left that situation and if you share children with your abuser, depending on the nature of the abuse, what you've experienced is not necessarily going to play a significant role in how the co-parenting dynamics play out.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: What you've experienced unless we're talking significant physical violence is not necessarily going to heavily impact your outcome.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: One of the things that first takes a lot of women by surprise is the way in which many legal professionals and court professionals view your situation, particularly in terms of the court system.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: The reality is that the judge, the registrar and any other court professional they don't know you, they don't know your ex, they don't know who's necessarily telling the truth and it almost doesn't even matter.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: It's not a parent in competition, it's really not.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: This is not about who's the best parent.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: This is about what's in the best interests of the children and, honestly, there does tend to be a bit of a theme of okay, you guys once upon a time were in a relationship together.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: Once upon a time you thought it was a good idea to have children together.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: Now you don't want to be together anymore.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Things aren't going so well, you can't compromise and make any decisions, and so now you want us to sort out the problem.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: You want us to make the arrangements for your family, for your children, for your lives, because you're incapable of coming to an agreement.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: That's harsh, but in a nutshell, I think that pretty accurately sums up what the court process is for many people.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: When we're talking about deciding on parenting arrangements, it's really important that you're aware that you are not going to get validation in the court process.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: You are not going to get justice.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: This is not about your ex being put under the microscope for the way that he has behaved towards you during the relationship, particularly if a lot of the behaviour was covert, if it was behind closed doors, if it was coercive control, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, all of those sorts of things.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: You're not going to get validation or justice for any of those.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: He's not going to be held responsible for that.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: The focus is on your children and simply working out what parenting arrangements are going to be the best for the kids.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: And whilst I say that it's not a parenting competition, unfortunately the court system by its very nature is adversarial, and that's a problem Because really there are mixed messages sent to people that are going through the court system for family law matters.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: You are sent the message that this is not a parenting competition.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: This is about working out what's best for your children.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: And yet you're thrust into this adversarial system where false accusations will be thrown at you.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: There will be lies told about you by your ex, if your ex-partner has any high conflict personality traits, if they are an abuser, if they are a coercive controller, if any of those dynamics are still going on, you need to be prepared that they are going to lie about you.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: They just are and there's zero consequence for them lying Zero, none.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: That's part of the radical acceptance that's needed when you are navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting, and especially the court system, with someone who's a high conflict person with someone who is an abuser.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: They are going to lie, they are going to throw mud at you.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: They are going to throw as many false accusations at you as they possibly can and just hope that some of them stick.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: They are going to try to undermine your credibility as much as humanly possible.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: They are going to deny any and all controlling behaviors and abuse.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: And this is just part of that process.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: This is part of my role with clients as well Helping clients to navigate the false accusations, helping clients to challenge false accusations, challenge the fact that there's likely no factual basis to those false accusations, helping clients to call into question the credibility of their ex-partner.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: And all of this is strategic and none of it's necessarily pleasant.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: But this is what is called for when you are navigating the court system.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: That is inherently adversarial and it's a real shame, because the very nature of the court system really is pitting parents against one another, which is not good for anyone.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: It's not good for you, it's not good for your ex-partner, but it's particularly not good for your kids.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: And it's not nice to feel like you need to be undermining the credibility of your ex-partner, but if they are throwing false accusations at you, that is what needs to happen.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: You cannot assume that your version of events is going to be believed.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: There is your version of events, there is your ex-partner's version of events and then there is whatever can be proven and this is something that I'll unpack in other episodes down the track that idea of what is their evidence, of what can actually be proven.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: The reality is that, as much as you may wish that your separation and divorce and co-parenting situation was amicable, as much as you may wish that it was low conflict, if your controlling or abusive ex-partner initiates court proceedings against you, this is a high conflict situation and if you want to optimise the outcome for yourself and your children, you need to be working with a divorce coach.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: You just need to be.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Hopefully your lawyer understands the personality type of the person who's on the other side.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Hopefully they understand the nuances of family violence and post-separation abuse.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Hopefully they understand how your experience and your children's experiences should be framed for maximum impact and maximum credibility with the court.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Hopefully your lawyer has a really good understanding of strategy.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: But the reality is that lawyers know the law really well.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: That's their job and all of the other things are not a given.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Also, your lawyer is not there to provide you with emotional support.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Your lawyer is not there to help you with your mindset.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Using them as a coach or as a therapist is really, really expensive.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Firstly, and that's not their skill set that is likely not where their skills are.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: That's not the tools that they have to work with.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: So, please, if you are in the court system with an abusive ex partner who is gunning for more time with your children than what you think is best for them, please work with a specialist high conflict divorce coach.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: I just simply cannot say that enough.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: If you want to optimize the outcome for you and for your children, you need to be prepared that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, and really successfully navigating this goes far beyond the mere legal aspects of this.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: We're talking about your mindset.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: We're talking about your ability to be able to show up in your life the way that you want to be able to show up whilst you're navigating this, your ability to show up as a parent for your kids whilst you're navigating this.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: This is some of the things that I support clients with on a daily basis Helping them to navigate a stressful legal experience and have a life and feel calmly confident about how things are unfolding and preparing them for what's to come, helping them to unpack the false accusations against them and how those things can be reframed, how they can undermine the credibility of their ex partner and what's being said about them.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: This is really important, and it's important that you don't assume that this is a skill set that your lawyer has, because a lot of them don't, and the reality is that, whilst your lawyer might be a really lovely person, they're likely not lying awake at night worrying about what your outcome is going to be.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Your lawyer is not going to be the one having to co-parent with your ex for the next however many years.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: This is not something that you want to be taking a chance on.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Trust me, I know.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I've been there.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I've done that.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I was able to optimise my outcome ultimately at the end, and this is why I do the work that I do now.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So if you are either in the court system right now in Australia, or you know that that's where things are going for you, or you suspect that that's where things could end up, for example, you've got a controlling or abusive ex and they're gunning for 50 50 equal shared care yeah, you know there's a good chance that things are going to end up in the court system, especially if they have the financial capacity to pay a lawyer that you know the financial capacity could just create a perfect storm.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: When you've got, you know, high conflict, personality and money or access to money, this often equals lawyers and court.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: If this is something that has struck a chord with you, I really encourage you to reach out.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Thanks for your time.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.