Latest / Homeschool Insights - Biblical Home Education Inspiration in Under 10 Minutes! / How to Parent Adult Children Without Pushing Them Away - Jonathan Brush
Transcript
- speaker-0: I have to remind myself my goal is not to raise great children, is to raise great adults. And that to raise great adults I have to release them. And that God didn't give them to me to control for the rest of their lives. God gave them to me to protect and to train and then to release so they could go out in the world and do his will. speaker-1: Found that one of the harder transitions, yes, launching our children is hard. ⁓ but I found what's really interesting because my oldest two kind of took two different approaches. My oldest lived with us ⁓ while he was working and going to school and got married. And so he launched when he got married. So he was 22 when he got married and moved out. So he had him as an adult living in our home. My second turned 18, got a job that was downtown that came with an apartment. And so he launched right at 18. But what I found is that, you know, now we have a new 18 year old in the house again, is that this and and I'll give the caveat. I didn't do it well with my first because we had an adult living in our home. But I think that's what I kind of wanted to ask about is if do you have any opinion or advice on? When we do still have our adult children living in our home because they haven't fully launched, but they are adults, like how we can balance that, you know, that you're still in my home, you have that tension. I might even have younger kids, or I do. I have, you know, younger kids and you have a whole bunch of kids. So I'm just gonna assume you have a whole bunch of kids still young and in the home. But how do we balance that to give them that freedom of Being adults, being young adults and making decisions and yet balancing the the house rules and the rhythms and things like that. speaker-0: Yeah. So first of all, I'm not going pretend I have any advice. and I try to try to stay away from that because it's really fun to give advice. It's often less fun to hear it. I have w lots of opinions and we'll try to sort of be careful about that as well. Yeah. And so instead, what I'll try to do is I'll try to add some perspective and I'll try to ⁓ be honest about what what I know and what I don't know here. So the perspective comes from this, from yes, ⁓ having children who grow up. So four of my children are post high school, right? And the great diaspora is starting with they have been under our roof for for longer than we expected, which has been good, by the way. ⁓ but now it's like all about to change really fast, which is also very whiplash inducing as well. ⁓ and so, but I also say from the perspective, and maybe this is more helpful, of watching hundreds, maybe thousands of young adults make this transition. And so let me offer two kind of categories that has been helpful to me to think about this. So the first category is I only recognize three stages of human development. ⁓ and and so I tell folks I don't recognize teenagers, I don't see them, I don't talk to them, I don't raise them, and I don't work with them. And what I mean by that is I don't like that whole cultural connotation of a teenager as sort of a rebellious, moody. I I sort of I don't have any experience with people like that. ⁓ instead, what we have children and my definition of a child is somebody who will die if not, you know, because they're not fully responsible for themselves. Right. So I have a four year old and you know, every night when she goes to bed, I'm really happy she's still alive because I don't take that granted because at least several times through the day, that didn't like it was gonna be a likely outcome. And so So so that's a child. They they need somebody to be responsible for them. Then there are young adults, and young adults are beginning to accept responsibility for themselves, but they're not fully responsible, but they usually can be left alone without complete fear they're going to die. And so I don't know where this is scientifically, but it's like birth to around 10 or 12 is child. And at twelve, young adults. And and then young adults become full adults when they're fully responsible to themselves. And sometimes this can be as early as 16 and sometimes as later. And I don't think that's scientific either. And it has to do with the child, right? But then I think of it and mirroring that is I think there's three stages of parenting. There's benevolent dictatorship where my job is to teach children how to obey me so they don't die and I don't need to explain myself. And then there's coaching where I can't play the game for you, but I can't make you do push-ups and run laps. And so I have some level of involvement in your life. And then there's mentoring where I love you very much more than my life itself, but I can't really tell you anything. But when you come to me, I'm here listen. And I find that most parents have the biggest problem in getting those phases mixed up and misunderstanding those categories. So the most common thing I see is that they start out as mentors. Mommy would really love for you to get your ⁓ jacket on because you know, don't you think it's cold outside? And don't you want mommy's advice? Okay, you know, then then that doesn't work. So they snap into benevolent dictators, except for they're not benevolent. It's like, you know, you will do this, I'll ground you for three weeks. The kid knows it's not true. And then their coaches when the kid really wants to leave. And they're like, no, no, I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you. And the kid's like, get away from me. ⁓ and so so I I say that, having screwed up all those stages. So so I'm not coming to you as an expert. But I but I can say that so understanding that, so now when it comes to living in your house, to me, what I try to do is I recognize when this kid has become a full adult, then they're under their own set of rules. And now I have some rules just like the landlord has some rules, right? You know, if you continue to live here, there's some things that you need to do and and you know, we have to figure those out. But what you don't need to do is you don't have to ask my permission. go someplace. You don't have to, you know, like there's some level of participation because it's not just you're renting a room, but you're also a member of this family. So we're going to have some of those. We'll negotiate those a little bit, but I'm going to try to remember to move into a mentor role where you're living your life. I'm delighted that you're under my roof for a little bit while longer if that's the case. Or you're not, and that's fine. And then the final thing is I have to remind myself my goal is not to raise great children. It's to raise great adults. And that to raise great adults, I have to release them. And that God didn't give them to me to control for the rest of their lives. God gave them to me to protect and to train and then to release so they could go out in the world and do his will. And while I would love for that all to be within five square miles of where I live, that's not realistic, nor is it right to expect that. speaker-1: ⁓ I wish. I wish. Right. And I do find it kind of answers. I was gonna have one other question. ⁓ but I think you've really answered that in that, you know, what's the best way to have a good relationship with your kids or your your young adults? And I really think that is exactly what you're talking about. Understanding those stages and 'cause when they reach that age where mentoring is the key and they don't need advice and that's the hardest thing. ⁓ speaker-0: Take it. Yeah. speaker-1: No, because they don't want it. They want to make decisions and the thing is is that they get to live out the consequences of that decision, good and bad. speaker-0: Yeah, they need to learn it. I and you know, for those of you with multiple kids, you know, my biggest problem is stripping out the transmission where it's like, you I'm I'm a benevolent dictator, a coach and a mentor all in the space of thirty minutes and I'm trying to remember to get it right for the right one, and then I switch and I try to dictate the mentor and the coach. Yeah, you I mean, like just to be clear, I'm not claiming any kind of expertise in getting it all right. But sometimes having categories lets you know when it's wrong. And so I go back to my older child and say, Hey, I'm sorry, I was pushing there when I shouldn't. We apologize. Or I go back to my two year old and say, On further thought, this wasn't a suggestion. Get your tag on. Yeah, yes, exactly. speaker-1: Come on. No, I love that. I love that. This episode of Homeschool Insights is brought to you by Liberty HealthShare. Choosing to homeschool is making intentional decisions for your family. Liberty HealthShare is another way families across the country are choosing a different path, one that offers a community-centered approach to health care cost sharing that can help you keep more of your hard-earned dollars while getting the medical care your family needs. Learn more at Liberty HealthShare.org. speaker-0: Is it about speaker-1: That's Liberty HealthShare dot org.