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5 Ways Trauma Impacts Your Relationship · Trauma Free Relationship

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  Let's talk about the five areas of your relationship that trauma
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  impacts the most. The first area that trauma
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  impacts in your relationship is the area of trust.
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  This one is so important because in many ways, trust undergirds,
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  the other four areas were going to talk about as well.
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  Trust is absolutely foundational to being able to have any kind
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  of relationship. Let alone a relationship with
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  someone. That is our attachment partner.
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  Someone that were building a life with that.
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  We've known for many, many years.
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  When Rama comes in it really disrupts that ability to feel
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  safe and secure in our relationship.
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  And instead, what we do is we have a little voice in the back
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  of our head that says, I'm here to protect you and so I'm going
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  to build up walls. I'm going to keep a little bit
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  of distance so that we can really observe our partner to
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  see if we can understand and and feel safe with their motives and
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  their intentions, are they doing what they're doing?
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  Because they want or need something from us?
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  Are we? In to get re-traumatized or are
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  they going to be a safe person and the more that voice sort of
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  speaks to us the more than we begin to pull away at times.
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  And the more it arose that that factor of trust in our
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  relationship. The other thing that I think it
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  really does is it disrupts our ability to attune to our partner
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  part of how trust is really created is through Attunement,
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  being able to be emotionally connected and in In tune with
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  our partners, emotional life. And if we're not able to do
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  that, then what we do is we sort of view our partner through
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  skepticism and we challenge what they're doing and why they're
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  doing it rather than just feeling safe and secure in those
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  interactions that we have with our partner.
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  So one of the most severe areas of our relationship that trauma
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  impacts is in the area of trust and as I said without without
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  being able to build a Lasting relationship.
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  Then we lack the sense of Safety and Security in that
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  relationship to put our body in our mind at ease and just sort
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  of be in the flow of the interactions with our partner
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  instead. We're always sort of hanging
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  back, always observing always being a little bit cynical or
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  skeptical so that we don't get re-traumatized.
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  Again, the second area is in the area of closeness.
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  So One of the ways that trauma disrupts closeness is that
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  blocks, our ability to really feel connected to another person
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  this follows closely on the area of trust that we talked about
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  just a second ago and closeness not to be sure.
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  All couples have to be able to negotiate how much closeness vs.
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  Separateness they need. So this is a foundational issue.
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  That usually is worked out early on in the relationship after
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  say, the attachment bonding. Has really set in 18 to 24
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  months to continuously, sing somebody or dating somebody then
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  they have to begin to work out. Okay.
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  What's the acceptable limits of space and distance that we allow
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  each other? A sense of separateness and what
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  is the acceptable amount of closeness.
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  So they're always kind of negotiating that and that's not
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  something that ecstatic that somehow, those worked out in the
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  very beginning of a relationship and then persists and maintains
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  throughout the entirety of the relationship, it has to Be
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  renegotiated overtime. Trauma comes in and disrupts
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  that balance, so whatever the couple had negotiated previously
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  then becomes really disrupted. So the individual that suffered
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  through trauma. They might need more distance.
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  They might really struggle with closeness or the opposite could
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  be that. They really find that their
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  clingy and needy to their partner.
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  So, it really disrupts this balance that had been negotiated
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  and by negotiation I mean that they're sitting down and
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  literally drawing up contracts and signing them.
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  That's not kind of negotiation. I mean, it's much more implicit
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  as much more. What is the homeostasis of the
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  the couple? What's the balance?
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  They've settled into? That seems to to be agreeable to
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  both Partners. Well, trauma comes in and
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  disrupts that balance. And so now you've got a partner
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  or perhaps, both Partners if they both have trauma, then
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  having to figure out what, how to renegotiate that If the
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  partner that has trauma is very needy.
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  How does the partner then attend to that need for the traumatized
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  partner, versus being able to then have their own space if
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  they need it as well? How does the couple create that
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  balance together? So that they find some
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  agreeableness in the area of closeness or the area of
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  distance? So you you take something that's
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  normal, very normal for couples to be able to work out and
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  figure out early in their relationship and then Continue
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  to to assess and a line and negotiate throughout their time
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  together and then you throw a bomb like trauma into it or past
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  trauma, that was brought into it.
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  Can make it that much more difficult to figure out and
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  negotiate through that. So the second area is the area
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  of closeness. And that means how much does
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  trauma disrupt the ability for the couple to feel close and
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  connected versus their ability to feel.
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  It's okay to have separate. Enos to have different
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  activities to be able to have some time alone when they need
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  it. And not feel like there's a
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  rejection or Banda. Meant that sets in trauma, can
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  really play play a tremendous. I have a tremendous impact.
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  Now, the third area that can be so impacted by trauma.
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  In your relationship is the area of sexuality.
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  Now, this is an area that's often difficult even without
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  trauma, I see and have seen so many couples.
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  That have difficulty being able to talk about their sexual
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  activity. Talk about their sense of
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  sexuality, talk about their sexual needs in the
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  relationship. So this is already a sensitive
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  subject for so many people often times their sense of their
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  sexuality. Their, their values around
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  sexuality, was shaped in the family.
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  They grew up in some people grew up in a very free and embracing
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  of their sexuality type of value in their family.
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  Other folks were much more restrictive.
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  Maybe they came from a religious background, whatever that might
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  be. And so their sense of sap
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  sexuality really doesn't always mesh with their Partners.
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  So this is already a very difficult subject.
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  And then, of course, if you throw any kind of traumatic
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  experience, either from the past or current experience that
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  happen either within the relationship or prior to the
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  couple getting together that can really then disrupt how the
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  couple Able to come together and bond in a sexual way.
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  With one another sex is obviously very important in an
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  adult and and especially in adult relationships.
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  It is a way for the couple to share something that's very
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  special and very unique to them something that by and large,
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  they don't share with anybody else for the vast majority of
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  couples that are together. They have that s exclusivity on
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  their relationship and so trauma comes in and really Ali begins
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  to disrupt their ability to be able to talk and compromise to
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  ask for their sexual needs to be able to be met, a lot of times.
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  What I find, it is difficult to even bring up the subject for so
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  many couples. Now, if there had been sexual
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  trauma in the past, a rape molestation, whatever that might
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  be, that brings an extra sensitivity to it, for the
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  partner to, then be able to feel safe and secure with In that
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  relationship to be able to express what their sexual needs.
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  Might be. It puts a lot of onus on the
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  other partner, to be able to hear that, and listen and be
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  able to receive that in a way, that is not shaming or the, in
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  any way, might feel violating or coercive to the partner that has
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  had past sexual trauma. So this is just one of those
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  areas that can be very, very tricky for the couple to begin
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  to deal. with and work through, especially if there's been any
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  kind of sexual trauma in their history, Okay, the fourth area
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  of your relationship that trauma really impacts is the area of
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  emotion, regulation and empathy. So, one of the things that
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  trauma does is it disrupts our ability to be able to regulate
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  our emotion. And it does this, a couple of
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  different ways, is it over stimulates the area of our brain
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  called the amygdala, which is our emotional and threat center
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  of our brain? It's kind of, if you put your
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  fingers on each side of your head, it's sort of right.
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  Are in the center about about equal with your in the middle of
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  your head. And so that area is so important
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  and us being able to regulate our emotions, as we take in
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  information from outside ourselves.
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  And so it also is the area of our brain, that's been able to
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  assess threat. And what trauma does is it
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  disrupts our ability to be able to then use the prefrontal
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  cortex? Text, which is the area, just
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  behind your forehead that allows us to say, oh, that's not a
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  threat, that's from the past. But instead what we do is we
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  experience it as a current threat and we're constantly
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  scanning. So it's not uncommon at all to
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  be triggered by something could be a sound, could be a smell,
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  could be a look on your partner's face.
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  It could be a tone of voice. And what that does is it sends a
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  signal to Emotional Center of your brain, the amygdala.
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  And it says, oh my gosh, here we go again.
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  We're beginning to re-experience.
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  What was so difficult and traumatizing for us.
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  And so being able to create a balance between the executive
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  centers, the prefrontal cortex, and the emotional center of the
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  amygdala of our brain, is part of how we work through trauma.
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  First of all, it, we need to be able to then create a better
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  balance between those two because what Rama does.
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  Is it disrupts that balance? Now when we are working out of
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  the emotional center of our brain, one of the things that is
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  quickest to leave us, is any sense of empathy empathy is the
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  ability to step into somebody else's shoes.
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  See something through their eyes and to be able to sort of
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  experience what they're experiencing not from our
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  perspective, but from within their perspective and when were
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  in a place where we've been triggered and will work Out of
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  the emotional center of our brain that ability is the first
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  thing to leave us that ability is gone because we're in our
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  protection, we're saying, oh my gosh, this is possible that we
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  could re-experience something that was horrifying for us and
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  we're not going through that again.
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  Part of what our brain is doing is it's trying to protect us,
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  it's actually trying to help us but as time goes on and we get
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  further and further away from the traumatizing event itself.
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  What it tends to do, is it tends to then extrapolate or widen,
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  its area of protection? So it used to be that I was
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  scared of going to this particular restaurant because
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  this is where the trauma happened.
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  Now, what I do is, I avoid all types of this food, because this
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  food reminds me of that restaurant.
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  Now I'm starting to extrapolate, expand, that that Circle even
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  wider in an effort to protect, Self.
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  So, fears generalize, trauma. Tends to generalize, and it
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  comes from that part of our brain.
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  That's trying to protect us. And so, part of working through
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  trauma, and part of being able to heal and, and get back to a
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  place where we can create a balance between our thinking
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  brain, and our emotional brain is to is to re-establish that
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  kind of balance. But until that happens, it
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  creates a big disruption in our relationship.
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  And, as I said earlier, it's not common all to have what we call
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  a trauma cycle. And we'll, we'll talk about this
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  in another video because that's a subject that is vast and, and
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  deserves its own on video and its own podcast.
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  But what will happen is a couple will get triggered.
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  Maybe one person uses a tone of voice or has a facial expression
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  that triggers the other partners trauma.
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  Well, then their protection or Is will show up which then in
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  turn triggers partner? The other partners trauma again.
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  And so what you have is a vicious cycle that they get
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  locked in, where neither partner is able to regulate their
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  emotion, both of them have been caught in fight or flight and
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  neither of them have the ability to regain empathy for one
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  another. And the reason is because
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  empathy resides in our, prefrontal cortex, it resides
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  and isn't Primarily located in in the part of our brain that
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  allows us to then be able to listen openly.
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  Take in information empathize with other people be able to
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  plan and execute our goals, so on and so forth and all that sin
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  that prefrontal cortex area right behind your forehead.
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  That I talked about, that's that we call the executive
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  functioning. So, when trauma comes in at an
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  impacts the relationship it does so by Des regulating one or Both
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  partners and the first thing to leave one or both Partners is
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  any sense of empathy. I talk a lot about empathy with
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  my couples. I talked about it in my social
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  media opposed and everywhere else because it is so
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  foundational in being able to create safety in a relationship.
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  It's so foundational being able to create a sense of security
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  within that relationship. So that both partners then are
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  able to work primarily out of Their prefrontal cortex have
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  empathy for one another and learn to deescalate those cycles
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  that might occur when they get triggered.
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  So the fourth area that can be. So disruptive to a relationship
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  is in the area of being able to regulate your emotions, and
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  being able to have empathy for your partner.
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  The fifth and final area of your relationship that trauma really
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  disrupts is in the area of communication and there's a
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  couple of reasons. Or this, the first reason is
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  because trauma is primarily a body based event trauma by, its
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  very nature. Cuts off our ability to be able
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  to use our words to communicate. What happened?
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  So much of what we've learned through?
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  Neuro biology Neuroscience, especially the decade of the
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  brain and the 1990s where we were able to put test subjects
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  under functional MRI Machines and literally watch in real time
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  what their brains were doing as we put them through a variety of
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  tests. Is that we've learned that
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  trauma tends to reside in the right hemisphere, which is the
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  nonverbal part of the brain. Your verbal abilities live
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  primarily in the left hemisphere of your brain, especially in the
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  Broca's area of your brain, which is our ability to be able
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  to talk use words to communicate with others.
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  So the first reason that that trauma disrupts communication is
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  because oftentimes, we literally lack the words to be able to
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  describe what has happened to us.
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  The second reason is often times, what trauma does is it
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  teaches us to disown? The very needs that were behind
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  the trauma. So if we think about it, from a
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  developmental standpoint as a child, our need is to be loved
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  and cared for our. Need is to be nurtured and
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  attuned to and protected emotionally as well as
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  physically by an adult. If that does not happen growing
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  up. If the child grows up in a
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  household where there is not that sense of safety and protect
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  protection, there is no emotional Attunement for that
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  child. We're not helping put that
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  child's experiences into words and make sense of and help them
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  tell a story about their experiences.
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  Then then they literally, lat The ability to then own and
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  accept that there's needs behind there that are legitimate.
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  So communication gets disrupted in couples at a couple of
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  different ways that I really see with those Brave couples that
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  have set with me for years, which is they lack the words
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  often times to be able to put the trauma into context and to
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  be able to tell a coherent beginning middle and an end and
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  the be able to verbalize that and also to be able to To own
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  and except there were legitimate needs behind whatever that
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  trauma was. And so, a lot of times couples
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  come in. And one of the first things
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  they'll say to us is they will say, well, we lack
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  communication. We're not on the same page and
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  couples aren't wrong. They do struggle with that
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  communication. But it's usually not because
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  they lack words flowing back and forth.
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  It's used because there is not an emotional connection and
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  emotional Attunement. Hi.
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  And what's going on in the relationship.
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  And, and, and often it is because trauma has disrupted
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  that often, it is literally because trauma has has
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  profoundly impacted their ability to communicate their
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  needs especially if they feel like they don't have a right to
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  those needs. If those needs were never met,
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  then oftentimes, they can disassociate those and they can
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  ask you those from any part of their, their desire for their
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  relationships. And secondarily because they
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  lack the words, often times to be able to communicate those
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  needs. So that is the five Fifth and
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  final area of the impact that trauma can have on your
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  relationship, okay? So at this point, we've talked
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  about the five areas of your relationship that trauma tends
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  to disrupt. The most.
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  We've talked about trust, we've talked about closeness.
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  We've talked about sexuality, Regulation and empathy as well
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  as communication. So of course, trauma can disrupt
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  other areas. But when we talk about
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  relationship, these are some of the primary areas that it really
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  breaks down. So here's what I want you to do.
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  We've got an assessment that we're offering that, you can
• 19:38
  find down below that it's completely free.
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  And if you take this assessment, it will give you an idea of
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  where across these five different.
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  Areas that that trauma might have disrupted, your your
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  relationship the most. Now what I don't want to happen
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  as I don't want anybody to be triggered by this.
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  So at F, at any time, as you're reading through these questions,
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  you start to feel any sense of Panic, or you start to feel
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  yourself, go numb, and have any kind of an emotional reaction or
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  what you're reading. Please stop, please don't
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  continue. This channel, is to help people
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  to help build them up to help them resolve their traumas.
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  Not to hurt them in any way. So I want to put that disclaimer
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  out there, but there is an absolutely free assessment that
• 20:25
  you can take online. Just click the link below.
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  We also offer tips at a score so that you can see across these
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  five different areas where trauma might have impacted your
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  relationship. The most don't be surprised if
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  you have multiple areas, that would be very common to have
• 20:43
  more than one where trauma may be playing a larger role in.
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  In your relationship, then you would wish it wish it to.
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  So, with that being said, thanks for listening and stay tuned for
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  our next episode.