Latest / The You Project / #2110 Is Giving Advice a Good Idea? - Bobby Cappuccio

Transcript

#2110 Is Giving Advice a Good Idea? - Bobby Cappuccio · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: Ization or explanation of why I'm not prepared to move ahead.
0:04
Speaker 1: So the question would be, well, what makes you think
0:08
Speaker 1: that anything I have.
0:10
Speaker 2: To say.
0:12
Speaker 1: Would be more useful than the conclusions you would arrive
0:16
Speaker 1: at on your own, knowing yourself better than anyone else
0:20
Speaker 1: could possibly know you.
0:22
Speaker 3: I think someone would look at you and go, what
0:24
Speaker 3: the fuck are you talking about?
0:25
Speaker 2: I just asked what I should do?
0:27
Speaker 3: You know what I mean? Like to me, just I
0:30
Speaker 3: just asked, mate, Yeah, that seems unnecessarily high level, complicated. Yes,
0:37
Speaker 3: I'm like to me, it does. It's like, bro, I
0:41
Speaker 3: want to know what fuck? Uh? You know, like my
0:44
Speaker 3: shoulder hurts when I do this movement for chest? Have
0:47
Speaker 3: you got any other ideas? You've trained your whole life.
0:49
Speaker 3: You're a qualified trainer, you know, you've worked in gyms.
0:52
Speaker 3: You know, like, surely then you could go, well, what
0:55
Speaker 3: don't you try instead of overhand grip, try a neutral
0:57
Speaker 3: grip with dumbbells instead of a straight bar, or something
1:00
Speaker 3: where it's like, oh, that's a specific answer to a
1:02
Speaker 3: specific question.
1:04
Speaker 2: You're talking about.
1:05
Speaker 1: Say, when I think about advice, I'm thinking about I'm
1:08
Speaker 1: in this situation. What would you do and guide me
1:13
Speaker 1: and I will take action based on what you would
1:16
Speaker 1: do in my situation someone in the gym. That's kind
1:20
Speaker 1: of like technical observation, analysis, application, assessment of how that worked,
1:28
Speaker 1: and modification of what do we do next?
1:35
Speaker 3: No, because I feel like I need some help. Give
1:38
Speaker 3: me some I need help. I got a question. Give
1:41
Speaker 3: me some advice. Try this. That's advice.
1:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, so okay, So let's let's break this down. Are
1:48
Speaker 1: you giving technical information and disseminating knowledge or expertise, or
1:54
Speaker 1: you're saying, Okay, here's my life experience.
1:57
Speaker 2: I've been in your situation, with.
1:58
Speaker 1: This relationship, with this life transition, this career progression, here's
2:05
Speaker 1: what I would do. And I've asked that question a
2:08
Speaker 1: few times. Why is my insight greater than the conclusions
2:13
Speaker 1: that you would come to on your own. And it's
2:15
Speaker 1: a big question, but I don't think it's an unnecessary one.
2:18
Speaker 2: I think it's a powerful one.
2:20
Speaker 3: On confident, I reckon it's powerful. But it's perhaps situation dependent,
2:24
Speaker 3: like many many, many things. Do you think that sometimes
2:29
Speaker 3: when people I'm not agreeing or disagreeing, by the way,
2:33
Speaker 3: I'm just fleshing it out, which I think is this
2:35
Speaker 3: is my point. I've been thinking about advice and how
2:40
Speaker 3: and when I know that sometimes no advice is the
2:44
Speaker 3: best advice. And I'll talk about an example in a minute.
2:47
Speaker 3: I feel like sometimes when people say, hey, I want
2:50
Speaker 3: some advice around this, what they actually want is reinforcement,
2:54
Speaker 3: you know, more support for their current idea. They really
2:58
Speaker 3: want you to go, yeah.
3:01
Speaker 2: This is what I'm planning on doing.
3:02
Speaker 1: Tell me why I'm correct in my thinking, and that
3:06
Speaker 1: eyes this advice, and that is not a request for advice.
3:12
Speaker 1: So that's nonetheless my reluctance comes from.
3:16
Speaker 3: But it's framed as a question for advice.
3:20
Speaker 2: Right, so you can answer it.
3:23
Speaker 1: You could give a simple answer like I would do this,
3:26
Speaker 1: so Craig, now that I've told you what to do,
3:28
Speaker 1: what's going to be different about your situation moving forward?
3:31
Speaker 1: What's changed from now versus sixty seconds ago. That's kind
3:37
Speaker 1: of a good question too. None of these questions are easy,
3:40
Speaker 1: and they might be irritating because they are quite confronting.
3:43
Speaker 1: But if you're coming to me for advice or something
3:46
Speaker 1: you're wanting, and I'm not sure that what you're wanting
3:50
Speaker 1: is my opinion, what.
3:51
Speaker 3: About yeah, or it's U Scott right, what about Okay,
3:57
Speaker 3: I'm coming to you for advice, And then can you
4:00
Speaker 3: say to me, perhaps, do you really want my advice
4:06
Speaker 3: or do you want me to endorse or reinforce or
4:10
Speaker 3: support what you already plan to do? Be honest, because
4:15
Speaker 3: what I have to tell you might not be what
4:18
Speaker 3: you want to hear. Like if all you want is
4:20
Speaker 3: a fan club or a support team, that's not me
4:23
Speaker 3: giving you advice, or that's not me giving that's not
4:26
Speaker 3: me coaching you. Well, if I'm just your support crew
4:29
Speaker 3: and cheersquad, and no matter what you're going to do,
4:31
Speaker 3: I just go well done, well, I'm no value to you,
4:35
Speaker 3: you know. And I feel like sometimes when people ask
4:39
Speaker 3: me for advice, I give them advice or I give
4:41
Speaker 3: them information or support or guidance that they actually don't want.
4:45
Speaker 3: And it's I see this fucking look of disappointment. And
4:48
Speaker 3: I've said to audience as many times, I can tell
4:52
Speaker 3: you what you want to hear, or I can tell
4:54
Speaker 3: you what I believe based on lots of encounters and
4:57
Speaker 3: conversations and experiences and research and knowledge, and I can
5:01
Speaker 3: tell you what I believe to be a better path, right,
5:05
Speaker 3: which is not I'm telling you what to do. But
5:08
Speaker 3: then because I think that we think we're really open
5:12
Speaker 3: minded about feedback. It's like we like feedback until we
5:15
Speaker 3: get the feedback or advice that we don't like.
5:18
Speaker 2: Well, I think that's a great question. What are you
5:20
Speaker 2: really wanting in this situation?
5:24
Speaker 1: And if it's like, well, I just truly don't know
5:26
Speaker 1: what to do right, like with the old bad Press,
5:29
Speaker 1: I'm not a biomechanist, right you are, so help me?
5:34
Speaker 2: Great?
5:34
Speaker 1: That is an appropriate situation to put your expert hat
5:39
Speaker 1: on and disseminate insights versus well, I really think this
5:45
Speaker 1: is the right thing to do, and I want to
5:47
Speaker 1: know what you think, meaning I want to know if
5:49
Speaker 1: you think that I'm right in thinking this is the
5:53
Speaker 1: right thing to do. So, I feel like advice can
5:57
Speaker 1: be useful, but you got to be careful because of
6:00
Speaker 1: overstep autonomy. It's you're probably not helping as much as
6:05
Speaker 1: you think you might be. Like that guy in that conversation,
6:09
Speaker 1: if he's giving advice and it's obvious to you that
6:13
Speaker 1: someone that he has a relationship with is completely disinterested.
6:19
Speaker 1: What I wonder is, who's that conversation about? Is it
6:22
Speaker 1: about the advice receiver or the advice giver in that
6:25
Speaker 1: moment and it sounds to me like it's more about
6:29
Speaker 1: the giver of advice rather than the recipient, because otherwise
6:34
Speaker 1: you might want to be more tuned in to how
6:36
Speaker 1: that's landing or not landing.
6:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's perfect I think also, like for me,
6:43
Speaker 3: one of my fuck ups around advice has been giving
6:48
Speaker 3: advice to people. My biggest fuck up in this space, honestly,
6:52
Speaker 3: being brutally honest with me self reflecting is with my
6:55
Speaker 3: mom and dad. And I started, I recognized started it
7:00
Speaker 3: twenty giving my mum advice about her smoking habit, right,
7:06
Speaker 3: advice that she didn't fucking want, conversations that she didn't want, right, Mary,
7:12
Speaker 3: the fucking chain smoker, and that didn't work out. Well,
7:15
Speaker 3: she's got one lung now. But anyway, I don't want
7:17
Speaker 3: to say I told you so, Mum, but fuck mum,
7:20
Speaker 3: you know. And then all I did when I would
7:23
Speaker 3: give Mom some I would give her feedback, or I
7:27
Speaker 3: would give her advice, or I would give her whatever
7:29
Speaker 3: that she didn't want. But my excuse was, but I
7:32
Speaker 3: love you, I want you to live a long, healthy life.
7:36
Speaker 3: My reasons are good. Therefore, fucking sit down and listen, right,
7:40
Speaker 3: And all I did was create more of a problem personally, interpersonally, sociologically,
7:48
Speaker 3: you know, communication I created more of a problem than
7:51
Speaker 3: any solution, despite the fact that the knowledge was good,
7:55
Speaker 3: the science was good, the intentions were good. Yeah, So
7:59
Speaker 3: that I see that a lot in families where people
8:02
Speaker 3: are like, I'm just trying to help. That's great, but
8:04
Speaker 3: you're not helping, Like, I know what you're intending to do,
8:08
Speaker 3: well done, that's nice. Guess what, it's not fucking working.
8:12
Speaker 3: It's ineffective. So hit the brakes and just find a
8:16
Speaker 3: bit of space and self awareness and say, is the
8:19
Speaker 3: thing that you're constantly trying to shove down that person's
8:22
Speaker 3: face isn't helping. It might be right, you might be right.
8:26
Speaker 3: You might be this might be your version of love.
8:30
Speaker 3: But guess what it isn't for them.
8:34
Speaker 1: So that's an equally important question, not just with the asker,
8:38
Speaker 1: what are you truly wanting? What's your intention?
8:41
Speaker 2: In the question?
8:42
Speaker 1: To the advice giver, what is your intention in giving advice?
8:48
Speaker 1: You're got to know what your motivation is because sometimes
8:51
Speaker 1: we want change for people more than they want it
8:54
Speaker 1: for themselves, are more than they're ready to face. What
8:59
Speaker 1: the cons difrinstance of change? My or maybe it's okay,
9:03
Speaker 1: Maybe they are in pre contemplation, which means I won't change.
9:09
Speaker 2: I don't think I have a problem.
9:11
Speaker 1: You have a problem, or I believe everything you're saying
9:16
Speaker 1: is true, but for a million reasons connected to my habit,
9:20
Speaker 1: my behavior problem. It's not that I won't change. I
9:23
Speaker 1: believe I cannot. And the more you push, the more
9:27
Speaker 1: you keep them stuck in that phase. You are not helping.
9:31
Speaker 1: When you are doing that, people do not change because
9:35
Speaker 1: of your sheer force of will and desire for them
9:39
Speaker 1: to be something or do something different than what they're
9:43
Speaker 1: doing or who they're being in the moment. And that
9:45
Speaker 1: is something that I think really gets in the way
9:49
Speaker 1: of communication dynamics in every facet of our lives and work.
9:55
Speaker 3: There's someone right now listening to there's someone right now
9:57
Speaker 3: listening to this, thinking, yeah, that's great, But my son's
10:01
Speaker 3: an addict, Well, my daughter's an addict, and I'm watching
10:04
Speaker 3: them fucking kill themselves and I'm distraught, They're distraught, the
10:07
Speaker 3: family's broken. What should I do? Just sit back as
10:10
Speaker 3: a passenger?
10:12
Speaker 1: Oh fuck now, no, fucking hold on, we're talking about now,
10:15
Speaker 1: we're crossing into It is.
10:19
Speaker 2: Like imminent danger.
10:22
Speaker 1: It is urgent and emergent is what we're referring to
10:25
Speaker 1: at this moment.
10:26
Speaker 3: I like that urgent and emergent.
10:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, good toddler's If your toddler is crossing a busy street,
10:33
Speaker 1: it's like, wow, I don't want to rob them of
10:34
Speaker 1: their autonomy. Get out of the street or run into
10:37
Speaker 1: the street and grab that fucking kid and pull them
10:41
Speaker 1: onto the pavement. Talk about it, like, talk about it later,
10:45
Speaker 1: but get them out of the street. So, if you're
10:48
Speaker 1: dealing with someone who is doing serious damage to themselves
10:51
Speaker 1: and the consequences are not going to happen ten years
10:55
Speaker 1: down the road as a result of whatever that bad
10:58
Speaker 1: habit is, whether it's cigarettes or alcohol, or whether it's Canoli's.
11:05
Speaker 1: I don't know why I say Canolis. But how good
11:08
Speaker 1: Canoli though?
11:09
Speaker 2: Now? And all these are amazing?
11:11
Speaker 3: Yeah, come on now, I want to fucking Cannoli. Yeah,
11:15
Speaker 3: they should get a Nobel Prize for food.
11:18
Speaker 2: No, it's sinister.
11:19
Speaker 1: It's fuck it's a sinister How do you creat something
11:22
Speaker 1: that's so good but so bad? Anyway, So, if you're
11:24
Speaker 1: dealing with someone and the extreme consequences are imminent, yeah,
11:30
Speaker 1: I think now's not the time to respect their autonomy
11:34
Speaker 1: and to reflect.
11:35
Speaker 2: And to go through exploration.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I have a very strong kind of rule about
11:43
Speaker 3: not giving advice to anyone around exercise who hasn't asked
11:49
Speaker 3: me for it. However, there's been a couple of times
11:51
Speaker 3: I've told this a couple of times, maybe so those
11:55
Speaker 3: who've heard it, I apologize. But twenty one hundred episodes,
11:59
Speaker 3: give me a break. I was in a gym in Sydney.
12:03
Speaker 3: I was doing a gig and I went into the
12:05
Speaker 3: or they had a relationship with a chain of gym's feud.
12:09
Speaker 3: Doors up from the hotel, walked up to the gym.
12:13
Speaker 3: I was doing a workout. There was a lady doing
12:15
Speaker 3: something in there that it wasn't whether or not she
12:18
Speaker 3: was going to hurt herself, it was just when, like
12:20
Speaker 3: with the thing that she was doing the way that
12:23
Speaker 3: she was doing it, she was definitely going to hurt herself,
12:25
Speaker 3: like a zero doubt in my mind. And I'm thinking
12:29
Speaker 3: she didn't know me. I don't know her. I could
12:31
Speaker 3: be some fucking widow, which I probably am. But like
12:35
Speaker 3: you can't go, hey, guess what, I'm this and I
12:38
Speaker 3: know that, and you can't do that because you also
12:40
Speaker 3: look like a dickhead. I never would anyway, but anyway,
12:43
Speaker 3: I just went up. I said, I go, this is
12:46
Speaker 3: going to sound weird, but could I just give you
12:48
Speaker 3: a little bit of advice? And she goes no, and
12:51
Speaker 3: I go, Roger that, and I walked away and I
12:55
Speaker 3: just went, yeah, why do I do that? It's like,
12:58
Speaker 3: but you know, when you see someone like she wasn't
13:00
Speaker 3: going to get run over like the kid on the
13:02
Speaker 3: road analogy, but for sure she was going to injure herself.
13:06
Speaker 3: And I knew how she could avoid that. But you know,
13:09
Speaker 3: one stranger come up to another stranger in the gym.
13:12
Speaker 3: She's probably been training for five years, I don't know. Yeah,
13:16
Speaker 3: so it's I find that juxtaposition that fucking oh well,
13:22
Speaker 3: because I don't want to stand by and watch people
13:24
Speaker 3: hurt themselves or let them hurt themselves. But I think sometimes,
13:28
Speaker 3: you know, okay, so she fucks up her shoulder, all right, Well,
13:32
Speaker 3: is it my job to intervene? Probably not. But that's
13:35
Speaker 3: just one of those almost those ethical or moral or
13:39
Speaker 3: fucking empathetic kind of conundrums that I get myself in.
13:44
Speaker 2: And we would teach that in the gym. Chance, so.
13:49
Speaker 1: One of the most widely requested all day trainings that
13:54
Speaker 1: we ever did or I ever did. This has gone
13:57
Speaker 1: back to my ANSM dees was can you come into
14:00
Speaker 1: the gym and teach trainers how to build a business
14:03
Speaker 1: a clientele off the floor and we would teach step
14:07
Speaker 1: by step how to gain trust, build rapport, not violate autonomy,
14:12
Speaker 1: how to ask questions and that question is not necessarily
14:17
Speaker 1: Hey can I give you some advice? Do you might
14:18
Speaker 1: if I make a suggestion or this was a brilliant
14:22
Speaker 1: one that I always got caught up with when I
14:24
Speaker 1: was a trainer.
14:26
Speaker 2: Is there anything I could do to help you?
14:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm kind of could you get me a water
14:31
Speaker 1: at the ft?
14:31
Speaker 2: Oh? Sure, yeah, I'll take care of that.
14:32
Speaker 3: Yeah?
14:33
Speaker 2: Really what I was getting at off? Yeah or fuck off? Yeah? So,
14:37
Speaker 2: and we structured a layered.
14:40
Speaker 1: Process to get to the point where you draw requests
14:46
Speaker 1: from the person rather than giving them advice in the moment. Yes,
14:51
Speaker 1: so we would do things like that. But when one
14:56
Speaker 1: of the caveats was if you see someone and this
14:59
Speaker 1: goes back to urgent and emergent, who is doing something
15:03
Speaker 1: where you're pretty sure that you have a good idea
15:06
Speaker 1: they're going to dislocate both their shoulders, rip both their
15:10
Speaker 1: arms off, and be spinning around as these two armless
15:15
Speaker 1: stumps are spring blood all over the walls in circular patterns?
15:22
Speaker 3: Could you be less traumatic?
15:23
Speaker 2: Going? Now?
15:25
Speaker 1: That happened to A guy wants now anyway, Well, I
15:27
Speaker 1: did see something. I mean, god, you've seen some horrible
15:30
Speaker 1: shit in the gym.
15:31
Speaker 3: I've seen some horm I've also had my training partner
15:36
Speaker 3: to die in front of me, So it doesn't get
15:38
Speaker 3: much worse than that.
15:40
Speaker 1: That is that that is pretty serious. I've seen double
15:44
Speaker 1: shoulder dislocations and someone screw eaming. If you think that's
15:50
Speaker 1: about to happen, like fuck it, approach that person and
15:55
Speaker 1: be pretty and be pretty assertive about it. But if
15:57
Speaker 1: you don't think it's going to happen, then and it's
16:01
Speaker 1: something that might be a problem a few months down
16:03
Speaker 1: the line. Put a few steps in between, I don't
16:07
Speaker 1: know who you are and I don't care and oh
16:10
Speaker 1: here's my best thinking, because that usually doesn't go over well.
16:15
Speaker 1: So you really have to think, am I being right?
16:17
Speaker 1: Or am I being effective?
16:19
Speaker 3: Is?
16:19
Speaker 1: Like it's kind of like you said, with the gym,
16:23
Speaker 1: It's not like somebody is like John is out of shape,
16:26
Speaker 1: and I don't say something to make John join the
16:29
Speaker 1: gym on Thursday, He's probably going to be dead by Tuesday.
16:33
Speaker 1: And that's on me. That's probably not the situation you're
16:37
Speaker 1: dealing with.
16:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, probably probably what about I think almost in a
16:45
Speaker 3: kind of starting with a bit of a theory of
16:48
Speaker 3: mind kind of vibe of understanding the person. You know,
16:52
Speaker 3: when you have little or no insight into you know,
16:57
Speaker 3: you see you see the tip of the iceberg with
16:59
Speaker 3: the problem, but you don't see the iceberg, right, So
17:02
Speaker 3: you don't have any insight into the totality of their
17:06
Speaker 3: story or issue or background or mindset or physiology or
17:11
Speaker 3: worldview or personality or their own personal reality. So you're
17:16
Speaker 3: seeing point zero one percent of the issue thinking that's
17:20
Speaker 3: all the issue, and then you're launching from there like
17:23
Speaker 3: you're like, hey, I know, wow, this is you know,
17:26
Speaker 3: And then again, as to earlier, it might be perfect
17:30
Speaker 3: for me, it might be catastrophic for them because you
17:32
Speaker 3: actually you don't know the story, you don't know the problem,
17:36
Speaker 3: you don't know the totality of it nearly, but you
17:39
Speaker 3: operate on the assumption that you think you get it,
17:42
Speaker 3: and so you're you're going to be valuable to them.
17:45
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about this comprehensive book right here on my
17:49
Speaker 1: bookshelf that the gargoyle is sitting on.
17:53
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the orange book. What is that orange book called?
17:57
Speaker 2: It is Behaved by Robert Soopolski.
18:00
Speaker 1: And you might be looking at someone who you care about,
18:03
Speaker 1: and when week, it's hard to disassociate from someone we
18:07
Speaker 1: care about, we want the best for, and we definitely
18:11
Speaker 1: don't want pain and suffering for.
18:13
Speaker 2: So this is a hard situation.
18:15
Speaker 1: And I'm assuming that most people who give unsolicited advice
18:19
Speaker 1: are coming from a caring place. I mean, you know,
18:24
Speaker 1: I used to be in the health and fitness industry.
18:26
Speaker 1: We know a lot of these people who seemed very
18:29
Speaker 1: intense from the stage I'm thinking about someone right now,
18:33
Speaker 1: But when you talk to them, they feel because they
18:37
Speaker 1: know so much, they're able to see more, They have
18:40
Speaker 1: more distinctions, and it's urgent for them because they see
18:45
Speaker 1: dangers in front of people in ways that that individual
18:49
Speaker 1: and people around them might not even see. So I get,
18:52
Speaker 1: but you see somebody doing something two minutes ago that
18:56
Speaker 1: you don't agree with, or on a Saturday night you
18:58
Speaker 1: don't think they should be doing, or there's something they're
19:03
Speaker 1: not doing that you think they should be doing. But
19:06
Speaker 1: what you don't see is what led up to that.
19:09
Speaker 1: What happened three milliseconds in their brain before they engaged
19:13
Speaker 1: in that. Now, what happened three minutes before in their brain?
19:19
Speaker 1: What happened three weeks, three months, three years, three decades
19:25
Speaker 1: in their brain living every moment, every minute of their
19:29
Speaker 1: life as them with a myriad incalculable influences and reference
19:36
Speaker 1: points shaping that person up to that point when they
19:38
Speaker 1: did that. Bless you, and you understand that's because Craig
19:44
Speaker 1: just Niez.
19:45
Speaker 3: For those of you who are just I turned off
19:47
Speaker 3: my audio, thank you.
19:49
Speaker 1: So, and understand that you have the same dynamic complexity
19:54
Speaker 1: in your brain, but it's led you to very different places.
19:59
Speaker 2: I think that is.
19:59
Speaker 1: A very important thing to understand about how complex human
20:04
Speaker 1: behavior is. And sometimes you can't put in what you
20:09
Speaker 1: think was laughed out, but you could draw out what
20:12
Speaker 1: is inside.
20:13
Speaker 2: And yeah, you know.
20:15
Speaker 3: But I think that whether or not they've asked for it,
20:18
Speaker 3: I'm just writing notes, which is terrible on air, but
20:21
Speaker 3: I just thought of a title for the show. I
20:24
Speaker 3: just think that that is a high risk activity, whether
20:27
Speaker 3: or not you know them or not. You know, even
20:29
Speaker 3: when people have come to you so it is solicited
20:31
Speaker 3: a device, there's that still. I you know, if somebody
20:36
Speaker 3: comes to me just for a chat, you know they
20:39
Speaker 3: want to be coached, and obviously they want some kind
20:41
Speaker 3: of what we might call advice or direction or input
20:44
Speaker 3: or feedback or whatever guidance. I kind of will generally
20:51
Speaker 3: talk at the most maybe twenty percent of the time,
20:55
Speaker 3: because I just I want to understand them. I want
20:57
Speaker 3: to understand, like, what is going on with you physically, emotionally,
21:01
Speaker 3: mentally as best I can in that very limited timeframe,
21:05
Speaker 3: so that I'm speaking from an informed place, informed in
21:10
Speaker 3: regards to who you are, how you are, why you
21:12
Speaker 3: are the way you are, because I don't want to be.
21:16
Speaker 3: You know, that guy that's talking to what he thinks
21:18
Speaker 3: is just another version of him. And I think also
21:22
Speaker 3: what is interesting, I was just thinking a moment as
21:24
Speaker 3: you were talking moment ago, people who have a bit
21:28
Speaker 3: of a personal revelation and kind of catharsis and reinvention,
21:34
Speaker 3: then all of a sudden, they're fucking evangelists that nobody
21:38
Speaker 3: wants to hear. It's like, mate, you know what you
21:40
Speaker 3: need to do?
21:41
Speaker 4: I'm doing this and this has done that and it's
21:43
Speaker 4: changed my life, and so you need to do that
21:45
Speaker 4: because it all.
21:46
Speaker 3: Like, bro settle the fuck down. One of your energy
21:49
Speaker 3: is obnoxious. May be good intentions, well done, but read
21:53
Speaker 3: the room, Champ like read the room. And in doing
21:57
Speaker 3: that sometimes I've got many friends who are zealots about
22:04
Speaker 3: our thing, our thing, and I won't mention the things
22:07
Speaker 3: because I'll get someone's nose out of joint. I'm like, cool,
22:10
Speaker 3: that may or may not be true. I know it
22:13
Speaker 3: seems to be very true to you and for you,
22:16
Speaker 3: and you could be right and I could be wrong,
22:17
Speaker 3: but right now, just could you not assault me with
22:20
Speaker 3: all this? Could you just also didn't ask? You know,
22:24
Speaker 3: but you need to know though, No, no, you are
22:27
Speaker 3: creating this not connection.
22:30
Speaker 2: Are you talking about when I got a cat?
22:34
Speaker 3: That's fucking hell, you're onto me. That's exactly what I'm talking.
22:37
Speaker 2: About, you know, just that.
22:40
Speaker 3: I mean people understandably, people get excited and you know,
22:46
Speaker 3: you know, evangelical, and I will I'm going to really
22:51
Speaker 3: throw myself under the bus now when I when I
22:53
Speaker 3: got churchy when I was younger, because I grew up
22:55
Speaker 3: in church. But it's kind of like being a Catholic
22:59
Speaker 3: is just kind of going to a room once a
23:01
Speaker 3: week with a bunch of other board people listening to
23:04
Speaker 3: you know, well, that was my experience. A bunch of
23:05
Speaker 3: board people listening to a boring bike. Right, then, that
23:08
Speaker 3: was it, right say stuff that he said essentially last
23:12
Speaker 3: week and the week before. But then when I went
23:15
Speaker 3: down this other path, I'm like, oh my god, I've
23:17
Speaker 3: discovered the thing that everyone needs.
23:19
Speaker 4: Everyone needs to know. Doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what
23:23
Speaker 4: they want. They're going to know this thing that I know.
23:25
Speaker 4: And I'm like, oh, I look back, and I go
23:27
Speaker 4: I was such a dumbass. I was so unaware.
23:30
Speaker 3: I was fucking cute and innocent and had great intentions.
23:33
Speaker 3: But I must have fucked up. So I fucked up
23:36
Speaker 3: way more than I got right, you know. But I
23:39
Speaker 3: truly believed that I was doing the right thing. But
23:43
Speaker 3: I totally wasn't.
23:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, like when I was in eighth grade, I was
23:48
Speaker 1: fourteen and I got involved with Nietron Daishon and Sokia
23:51
Speaker 1: got gay Buddhism in South Brooklyn.
23:56
Speaker 3: Dude, that seems like a weird place to get into
23:58
Speaker 3: all of that BuddhismA. I can't remember any of that ship.
24:01
Speaker 3: You said, let's just go with Buddhism. Is that a
24:04
Speaker 3: different kind of Buddhism too.
24:06
Speaker 1: Well, there's so many sacks of Buddhism. That was the
24:08
Speaker 1: Buddhism I was in, and there was a very specific
24:11
Speaker 1: chant and there was there were very specific things that
24:15
Speaker 1: I would do, like take a very specific path home
24:18
Speaker 1: or else I would get beat up severely because did
24:21
Speaker 1: you say class home or we said num numb your
24:26
Speaker 1: hold on gay kio?
24:28
Speaker 3: Wow?
24:29
Speaker 2: Wow? Do you want to know what that whole thing means?
24:32
Speaker 3: Like I want to know what that means?
24:35
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that was just a joke, but it talked
24:39
Speaker 1: about devotion to the mystical manifestation of the universe represented
24:46
Speaker 1: in the in the Renge flower. Rene was was the
24:50
Speaker 1: Lotus Sutra flower and Kio is the rhythm, the the
24:54
Speaker 1: energetic resonance that the universe universe vibrates on, and that
25:01
Speaker 1: they used the load of Sutra flower because it is
25:05
Speaker 1: this beautiful, flourishing flower that grows in an environment where
25:10
Speaker 1: no life should be possible. It's it's the audience possibility
25:14
Speaker 1: and miraculous.
25:15
Speaker 3: The audience from mimmy not to say I want to
25:17
Speaker 3: hear next time frommy.
25:20
Speaker 1: So, what I'm trying to say was I got the
25:23
Speaker 1: living shit kicked out of me a lot that year.
25:26
Speaker 3: Ah, they didn't. They weren't picking up what you were
25:30
Speaker 3: putting down. Bro. No.
25:32
Speaker 1: Yeah, So talking to a bunch of kids in Brooklyn
25:36
Speaker 1: about load of sutra flowers and like, yeah, just I'm
25:42
Speaker 1: shocked from your physical wellbeing.
25:44
Speaker 3: Wow, maybe you should have just border mate and ice cream.
25:47
Speaker 3: They would have loved you and accepted.
25:49
Speaker 2: You in hindsight.
25:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, what about This is more practical and almost lands
25:58
Speaker 3: in the psychology. But what's the term I guess situational awareness,
26:06
Speaker 3: like in the moment understanding, you know, being able to
26:09
Speaker 3: colloquially read the room or read the person in the
26:12
Speaker 3: room and just understand. Because sometimes, like for example, when
26:20
Speaker 3: I would have one of my trainers, and you know
26:23
Speaker 3: I have lots and lots of trainers, and I would
26:25
Speaker 3: see them doing something on the gym floor that wasn't okay.
26:29
Speaker 3: If it was diabolical, I would have gone and stopped it.
26:31
Speaker 3: But just something that's not what I want to happen
26:34
Speaker 3: or not the way I want it to happen exactly,
26:38
Speaker 3: So I would never go up to them and say hey,
26:40
Speaker 3: what are you doing? But I would never do that.
26:42
Speaker 3: I would just say, hey, when you get a moment,
26:45
Speaker 3: come see me, no dramas, just want to chat to
26:47
Speaker 3: you about something, right, And then they would still come
26:50
Speaker 3: into my office terrified. But when it's just me and
26:53
Speaker 3: them in a room and no one else can hear
26:56
Speaker 3: the feedback, we'll call it feedback or the direction or
26:59
Speaker 3: the coach, remembering they were all junior to me and
27:02
Speaker 3: I was their boss, and it would be received somewhere
27:07
Speaker 3: between usually okay and really well, not always but mostly.
27:12
Speaker 3: But had I done that in a different context, like
27:15
Speaker 3: in front of their peers or their clients, which would
27:18
Speaker 3: be stupid, the exact same information with the exact intention
27:23
Speaker 3: would create a fucking diabolical outcome most times, you know,
27:28
Speaker 3: ranging from resentment to wanting to fucking punch me in
27:32
Speaker 3: the face in the car park. Right, So, just that
27:35
Speaker 3: understanding of the when and the how and the why
27:37
Speaker 3: and the context and is this a good place and
27:40
Speaker 3: time to share this? I think it's somewhat situation dependent too,
27:45
Speaker 3: or it can be.
27:47
Speaker 1: Oh god, you have to be emotionally intelligent and if
27:49
Speaker 1: you're not, you're not going to be effective. Not just
27:54
Speaker 1: in that instance, but in many instances that you're going
27:57
Speaker 1: to engage, and you have to understand.
27:59
Speaker 2: What that environment is like, and not what it's like
28:02
Speaker 2: for you.
28:02
Speaker 1: Being the sage giving the advice, but the person receiving it,
28:06
Speaker 1: and the environment and the timing and the context in
28:10
Speaker 1: which they receive it and the delivery.
28:12
Speaker 2: It all mattered. Today I was writing a.
28:17
Speaker 1: I was writing an employee review which they requested, and
28:20
Speaker 1: it was a good one. I went over it a
28:23
Speaker 1: couple of times and I was like, Okay, even when
28:25
Speaker 1: I'm making recommendations, which is part of mede, Okay, moving forward,
28:31
Speaker 1: Here's what I'd like to see or what might be useful.
28:37
Speaker 2: How is this being framed?
28:38
Speaker 1: Is this being framed as a critique or something I
28:42
Speaker 1: am telling you I think you should do, or something
28:45
Speaker 1: that you might want to explore because of the way.
28:48
Speaker 2: It will impact you in the near and long term.
28:52
Speaker 2: So you and I sorry going back. So that's all
28:56
Speaker 2: I want to say.
28:57
Speaker 1: There's another valuable human being at the other end of
29:00
Speaker 1: what it is that they're reading or what you're saying.
29:04
Speaker 3: Is what you and I are doing right now giving
29:06
Speaker 3: advice on full paople on how not to give advice.
29:10
Speaker 2: I think it's really different, though.
29:12
Speaker 1: What we're doing is sharing insights and exploring ideas around
29:17
Speaker 1: the value of those insights, and not just the value
29:22
Speaker 1: of them, but what's the framework, what are the things
29:26
Speaker 1: that you need to consider? And when people listen to this,
29:30
Speaker 1: some of what we're saying might resonate and they might say, oh, okay,
29:33
Speaker 1: I can use this, or I understand more clearly now
29:38
Speaker 1: why I asked someone for advice. They gave it to me,
29:41
Speaker 1: I got upset and and follow it, or maybe I
29:43
Speaker 1: was at the other end of that is the advice giver,
29:47
Speaker 1: and I had a couple of assumptions that might have
29:49
Speaker 1: gotten the way, But I don't think to go back
29:52
Speaker 1: to what we were saying earlier, You and I have
29:54
Speaker 1: no expectation that anybody listening to this needs to do
29:59
Speaker 1: anyth thing or should do anything. People listening to us like, oh,
30:04
Speaker 1: well that was kind of insaneful. I get that, and
30:06
Speaker 1: they choose to do absolutely nothing, that's totally okay. Or
30:12
Speaker 1: if they're like, you know what, I think, I think
30:14
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask a couple of questions and next
30:16
Speaker 1: time somebody gives me advice to see how that goes
30:19
Speaker 1: that's great, they're plugging in. This is very different than
30:26
Speaker 1: a one on one conversation.
30:28
Speaker 3: I used to do, as I think you know and
30:30
Speaker 3: some of my listeners now. I used to work on
30:32
Speaker 3: a station in Melbourne radio station called SCN and for
30:36
Speaker 3: probably twelve years, and in general terms the exercise science,
30:42
Speaker 3: health wellness dude. And compared to I guess the other
30:46
Speaker 3: people on air in that space, my knowledge was better
30:49
Speaker 3: in all of that. But I would often get to
30:51
Speaker 3: ask questions by because it's real time. So it's real
30:55
Speaker 3: time radio, it's live, it's not a podcast, it's not
30:59
Speaker 3: a workshop that's not being recorded. It's like thousands of
31:02
Speaker 3: people listening. And I remember one day this guy rang
31:06
Speaker 3: up and went harps. So when I do this movement,
31:10
Speaker 3: I get clicking in my knee and I'm like, he's like,
31:13
Speaker 3: what do you reckon that is? And I go, that's
31:16
Speaker 3: definitely clicking in the knee. I go, bro, Not only
31:20
Speaker 3: don't I know, I'm not a physiotherapist, I'm not an osteo,
31:25
Speaker 3: I'm not a surgeon, I'm not a GP. Do I
31:30
Speaker 3: have thoughts in my head right now of what it
31:32
Speaker 3: might be? Yes? Could they be all wrong? Yes? I said,
31:37
Speaker 3: I would be the most unprofessional fitness professional in Australia
31:42
Speaker 3: if I started telling you diagnosing you the guy I've
31:45
Speaker 3: never met or seen with the knee that I can't
31:48
Speaker 3: see even if I could see it right, And I
31:51
Speaker 3: said to say, I just said to him, dide, you
31:53
Speaker 3: need to go see a physio or an ostio or
31:55
Speaker 3: a doctor. And he's like, oh really, but surely I go, no, mate, no, no,
32:00
Speaker 3: like sometimes you've just got to go. I've had to
32:03
Speaker 3: say many times, Look, I don't that's not my expertise.
32:08
Speaker 3: If I have any expertise, I don't even know enough
32:11
Speaker 3: about that to even pretend to give you what I
32:15
Speaker 3: think is something in the vicinity of some insight, you know,
32:20
Speaker 3: And I think that's when you are a coach, or
32:23
Speaker 3: when you are an educator of some sort, or when
32:26
Speaker 3: you and I think this is one of the dangers
32:29
Speaker 3: of you know, some I say, some social media influencers
32:33
Speaker 3: who are telling people to take all sorts of shit
32:36
Speaker 3: that's never been tested really or you know this herbal,
32:40
Speaker 3: that herbal, this peptide or that thing and this ll
32:44
Speaker 3: like nobody wants you to know about this because of
32:46
Speaker 3: Big Farmer. It's like that's the thing right now, Big farmer,
32:49
Speaker 3: Big farmer, and I get it. I'm not a big
32:51
Speaker 3: fan of Big Farmer, but you know, like swings and roundabouts,
32:54
Speaker 3: there are some pretty good drugs that have helped people
32:56
Speaker 3: a fucking lot. Let's be honest, and you know, this
33:00
Speaker 3: whole kind of it's everything's a fucking conspiracy and they
33:04
Speaker 3: don't want you to know about why you should take
33:07
Speaker 3: two cloves of garlic and some ginger every day because
33:10
Speaker 3: that would send the pharmaceutical companies broke. I'm like, yeah,
33:14
Speaker 3: probably not. Probably not Kevin, who's got his YouTube show
33:18
Speaker 3: with seven followers. I don't know, keV. Maybe food for thought,
33:22
Speaker 3: but not It.
33:24
Speaker 1: Might create distance between you and your family members. But
33:29
Speaker 1: you know, you know what the worst part about that
33:31
Speaker 1: whole thing is, I've got this clicking my shoulder.
33:35
Speaker 2: I really wanted to ask you about.
33:38
Speaker 3: That's funny. I was having a sip of coffee. You
33:40
Speaker 3: almost made me spid. Yeah, okay, So internal rotation, external rotation, abduction, sorry,
33:46
Speaker 3: abduction of the humorous. What where do you feel it, Bobby?
33:49
Speaker 3: What position? You know, on a ball, on a bench,
33:52
Speaker 3: you know, cleaning your teeth, putting on a seat belt,
33:56
Speaker 3: like everything, like, all, yeah, right, What you should probably do,
34:01
Speaker 3: in my advice is, yeah, just start cooling your testicles,
34:06
Speaker 3: because apparently cooler testicles greater testosterone production, your shoulder or
34:11
Speaker 3: heal quicker. So put your balls in some ice and
34:14
Speaker 3: call me in a week and let me know how
34:15
Speaker 3: you've gone.
34:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, got it.
34:20
Speaker 3: When have you given advice that you Is there any
34:24
Speaker 3: moment that you reflect on a specific one? Not like
34:27
Speaker 3: I've done a hundred, but is there something I can
34:30
Speaker 3: think of at least ten hundreds, but ten specific things
34:34
Speaker 3: where I've gone, oh my god, why did I tell
34:37
Speaker 3: them to do that? Or why did I suggest that?
34:39
Speaker 3: Or is there one thing that you regret or look
34:44
Speaker 3: back on with embarrassment that you a piece of advice
34:49
Speaker 3: for one of a better term that you gave.
34:52
Speaker 1: Oh well, I'm sure there's a lot of instances that
34:55
Speaker 1: pops into my head right now. Is when I had
34:58
Speaker 1: gotten back from remember where I moved to Australia.
35:01
Speaker 2: I remember how fun that was?
35:03
Speaker 3: That was a bull, wasn't it? And and for all
35:05
Speaker 3: twelve minutes that you were here, we loved it. Now
35:08
Speaker 3: you hear from a month, you hear from.
35:10
Speaker 1: Us, Yeah, yeah, And then you know like everything fell apart.
35:14
Speaker 1: And then I came home and like, my wife had
35:17
Speaker 1: gone through a lot of stuff in her business, and
35:21
Speaker 1: she was asking me for my advice about which film
35:27
Speaker 1: festivals to go to, like invest In be part of.
35:31
Speaker 2: She had a few invitations.
35:33
Speaker 1: Of course, me, never being a filmmaker whatsoever, had lots
35:36
Speaker 1: of opinions completely contradicting everything.
35:40
Speaker 2: I've said on this show.
35:41
Speaker 1: It's like, wow, you know, and she's like everything I
35:44
Speaker 1: told her to do was the exact opposite of what
35:47
Speaker 1: she should have done. And I made a bad situation
35:50
Speaker 1: even worse. So yeah, that was That was great. But
35:57
Speaker 1: right around that time in my life, I was saying
36:00
Speaker 1: all the wrong things, doing all the wrong things at
36:04
Speaker 1: the worst possible time with the worst possible people.
36:08
Speaker 3: So do you ever recognize yourself? Okay, I am not
36:13
Speaker 3: a great I'm not in a great space today me personally,
36:17
Speaker 3: like emotionally or mentally or even physically. You don't want
36:22
Speaker 3: to ask me anything today like I'm not like today.
36:26
Speaker 3: For example, people know I've been dealing with a few
36:28
Speaker 3: things just with my health. I'm fine, but today I
36:31
Speaker 3: feel really fucking good. But one day this week I
36:34
Speaker 3: was so smashed. I felt like I had chronic fatigue
36:38
Speaker 3: time six for one day, and I just I felt sad,
36:42
Speaker 3: I felt shit, and a bunch of people rang me
36:47
Speaker 3: and I didn't answer any calls because I thought, I'm
36:50
Speaker 3: not going to be good on this call. I don't
36:52
Speaker 3: want to answer their questions. I don't want to whatever it.
36:56
Speaker 3: Even if they're just ringing up to chat, it will
36:58
Speaker 3: not be a good chat for them. And I wasn't
37:00
Speaker 3: grumpy or angry, but I just recognize I try to
37:05
Speaker 3: recognize my own bullshit or when I am mentally, emotionally
37:09
Speaker 3: or physically in a place where whatever I'm going to do,
37:13
Speaker 3: unless it's a pre arranged thing that I cannot avoid,
37:17
Speaker 3: there are times when I just cancel stuff because I
37:20
Speaker 3: know today I'm not going to be good and just
37:24
Speaker 3: recognize the limitation that is me in the situation.
37:29
Speaker 1: I think that's self awareness and emotional maturity. Absolutely. I
37:34
Speaker 1: think that is a very positive thing to do. It's
37:37
Speaker 1: like I am in this state right now and I'm not.
37:40
Speaker 1: I mean sometimes, obviously, as you said, you can't do that.
37:43
Speaker 1: You have albums that exceed what mental state you're in
37:48
Speaker 1: at the moment. But if you can do that, and
37:51
Speaker 1: there is a need. I think having that conversation is
37:55
Speaker 1: very important to people. And it's not like, no, I'm
37:59
Speaker 1: just not in the mental space say hey, you know
38:02
Speaker 1: you're asking me for A and B and hey, that's
38:05
Speaker 1: kind of a rough day for me. What about I
38:07
Speaker 1: propose C like can we reconvene on Thursday? Maybe like
38:11
Speaker 1: proposing a solution rather than I'm just I was on
38:16
Speaker 1: the phone with somebody it was very important in my
38:19
Speaker 1: personal life, and they were just like, I just don't
38:21
Speaker 1: have the bandwidth for this conversation. And I was like,
38:26
Speaker 1: is that because they're having a bad day or is
38:28
Speaker 1: that just because like the conversations with me? And it's
38:33
Speaker 1: like I'm just frustrating them with what we're talking about.
38:37
Speaker 1: And I was just I left that I was scratching
38:39
Speaker 1: my head. There was no further explanation given.
38:42
Speaker 3: It's like, Okay, I remember you telling this story a
38:45
Speaker 3: weak or two ago about the lady that I think
38:47
Speaker 3: he had a zoom call with something to do with
38:49
Speaker 3: coaching or she was in part of the coaching course
38:52
Speaker 3: that you were doing, and you looked at her and
38:55
Speaker 3: you saw straight up that she wasn't great. She looked
38:58
Speaker 3: like she'd been crying.
39:00
Speaker 2: Oh, my god.
39:01
Speaker 1: No, okay, yeah, I cushioned that actually because I felt
39:06
Speaker 1: really weird telling that story. She was hysterically crying right
39:10
Speaker 1: like like I can't, Oh my god, my marriage just
39:13
Speaker 1: fell apart everything. But it was it was so extreme
39:16
Speaker 1: that at first I was like, oh my god, is.
39:18
Speaker 2: This is this the practical test? This is intense. I
39:22
Speaker 2: don't think I've prepared for this. I would have failed
39:25
Speaker 2: this thing. What do I do?
39:26
Speaker 1: And it turned out that it was legit that that
39:29
Speaker 1: literally her whole life blew up that day.
39:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was just.
39:33
Speaker 3: Well, that's a good that's a good day not to
39:35
Speaker 3: do work. That's a good day not to try to
39:39
Speaker 3: give other people advice when when you're just clinging onto
39:43
Speaker 3: your sanity and your emotional stability by a thread.
39:48
Speaker 1: I felt horrible for her because like we've had that,
39:52
Speaker 1: like where someone we love something's gone very wrong in
39:54
Speaker 1: a very maybe the most important relationship in our lives.
39:57
Speaker 1: So I could relate to how that feels.
40:00
Speaker 2: I was.
40:00
Speaker 1: I also remember being so grateful for her having the
40:05
Speaker 1: self awareness, maility and the courage to not just try
40:11
Speaker 1: to pull herself together and just like go through it
40:15
Speaker 1: with me on my practical exam so I felt so
40:19
Speaker 1: grateful for her.
40:20
Speaker 3: Okay, So I don't know if we've figured out if
40:23
Speaker 3: giving advice is a good thing or a bad thing.
40:25
Speaker 3: I think it some depends on the situation, context, person issue,
40:29
Speaker 3: all of that. But so let's wind up, and I
40:34
Speaker 3: want you obviously everyone, this is all unprompted, so as
40:40
Speaker 3: in unprepared. So is there any advice that you have,
40:45
Speaker 3: ironically or are there any things that you think people
40:48
Speaker 3: should be mindful of in the context of navigating the
40:53
Speaker 3: should I shouldn't I advice space?
40:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, but before you know one, check in with your self.
41:01
Speaker 1: Are you emotionally attached to giving advice? And I don't
41:05
Speaker 1: mean like it's all about you, but with the example
41:08
Speaker 1: with your mom and smoking, that's a very difficult situation.
41:13
Speaker 1: When you see someone that you're you love very much
41:16
Speaker 1: and they're doing something that is potentially damaging and especially
41:21
Speaker 1: if negative consequence has come to fruition, that's a lot.
41:26
Speaker 1: But check in with yourself this is there something you're
41:29
Speaker 1: needing personally in that advice? Is there something that you
41:32
Speaker 1: are attached to in the moment, like on a personal
41:37
Speaker 1: importance level? Ten I absolutely need to say this one. Well,
41:43
Speaker 1: I'm here, but you know it's not something that I
41:47
Speaker 1: personally need. If you're at a level nine or ten,
41:49
Speaker 1: if it can wait, don't say anything that day. If
41:53
Speaker 1: it is urgent and emergent, yeah, like go for it,
41:57
Speaker 1: because the damage of inaction is probably the exceeding the
42:02
Speaker 1: consequences of somebody not taking your advice. So that's first
42:06
Speaker 1: of well, check in with yourself and then check in
42:09
Speaker 1: with the other person, like are they in a place
42:13
Speaker 1: of high emotional arousal, because sometimes I might just be
42:16
Speaker 1: asking for advice because I'm very attached and desperate around
42:21
Speaker 1: something that may not be an issue two weeks from now.
42:24
Speaker 1: So check in with yourself, check in with them, and
42:28
Speaker 1: if possible, ask more questions before delivering insights to kind
42:34
Speaker 1: of identify what is the context around this and what
42:37
Speaker 1: are they really looking for?
42:39
Speaker 2: What are their intentions? Again? Is it just the sounding board.
42:44
Speaker 1: Are they looking for someone to affirm a decision that
42:47
Speaker 1: they're about to make, or are they really have they
42:50
Speaker 1: come to the end of their own area of expertise
42:54
Speaker 1: and they really want to know, Hey, what would you do?
42:57
Speaker 1: And then make your decision empathetically based on what is
43:00
Speaker 1: in the best interest of the individual in that moment
43:05
Speaker 1: and just understand you're never going to have the exact
43:08
Speaker 1: rate response or the right feedback or the right thing
43:10
Speaker 1: to say. But you can't say the wrong thing to
43:14
Speaker 1: the right person if there's trust in the relationship. Conversely,
43:19
Speaker 1: you can't you know, you can't say the right thing
43:21
Speaker 1: to the wrong person if someone's completely not prepared to hear.
43:25
Speaker 2: What you have to say. It might be about to
43:28
Speaker 2: say it.
43:29
Speaker 3: Well, my mum didn't talk to me for three months
43:32
Speaker 3: when I started banging on like almost my last stand
43:36
Speaker 3: where it was probably a bit melodramatic about the smoking.
43:39
Speaker 2: Well that's that's clear feedback.
43:41
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's feedback. And Mary talks to me all the time.
43:44
Speaker 3: She was so fucked off at me, a little angry
43:47
Speaker 3: five foot weapon that she is, fucking Yoda of the family.
43:50
Speaker 2: She was.
43:51
Speaker 3: She shut me down like a fucking cheap stallsale. You know,
43:55
Speaker 3: it's like, ah, what one of the things, like, I know,
44:00
Speaker 3: we're winding up. But one of the very unusual for
44:04
Speaker 3: most people would be this kind of scenario where I reckon.
44:09
Speaker 3: In the last forty years I have had at least
44:14
Speaker 3: which doesn't sound a lot over forty years, but it
44:17
Speaker 3: is one hundred conversations with a person or persons, often
44:21
Speaker 3: business partners or husbands and wives who want to set
44:24
Speaker 3: up a PT studio. So let's go see the guy
44:27
Speaker 3: who set up the first one. Let's see the guy
44:29
Speaker 3: who set up the biggest one. Let's talk to that guy.
44:32
Speaker 3: And that is a tricky conversation to navigate because firstly,
44:40
Speaker 3: most personal training centers don't work over the if you
44:44
Speaker 3: call it, you know, surviving for a few years they work,
44:47
Speaker 3: But if you're talking about flourishing over ten twenty thirty years,
44:50
Speaker 3: they don't. And then then trying to figure out all
44:54
Speaker 3: of the variables around the commercial stuff, the financial stuff,
44:58
Speaker 3: the personality stuff that works stuff, the effort, the energy,
45:01
Speaker 3: the sacrifice, the risk, that all the stuff you know.
45:05
Speaker 3: And I would say to people regularly, I cannot tell
45:09
Speaker 3: you what to do, but I would tell you these
45:11
Speaker 3: are the things that I would consider, and this is
45:14
Speaker 3: how I did it, and this is what worked for
45:16
Speaker 3: me and what didn't work for me. But let's remember
45:20
Speaker 3: you are not me. It's like the way that I live.
45:24
Speaker 3: I would not recommend to anyone. I would never advise
45:27
Speaker 3: anyone take my path because I think it was a
45:32
Speaker 3: good path. Good path for me, but not for most people.
45:35
Speaker 3: So just coming from that, yeah, I can't tell you.
45:38
Speaker 3: And I know I've had people fly from many people
45:41
Speaker 3: fly from into state to spend a half dayish or
45:44
Speaker 3: whatever just going through this, and would usually do it
45:48
Speaker 3: on a whiteboard, drinking coffee in a room in my house.
45:52
Speaker 3: And you know, it's like, yeah, I know what you're
45:57
Speaker 3: wanting to hear. You kind of almost want to formula.
46:00
Speaker 3: I can't give you one because my formula would be
46:03
Speaker 3: a fucking catastrophe for you. But just leaning into the
46:08
Speaker 3: why why do you want to do this? What do
46:09
Speaker 3: you think? What do you think? Eighteen months into working
46:14
Speaker 3: night and day, maybe seven days a week on this
46:16
Speaker 3: business where it's precarious because in the street that you're
46:20
Speaker 3: setting up there are five other pt studios, not to
46:24
Speaker 3: mention pilarates, not to mention twenty four hour gyms, not
46:26
Speaker 3: to mention spin studios, not to mention a range of
46:29
Speaker 3: different martial arts, not to mention a fucking rock climbing gym, And.
46:33
Speaker 2: So you're not just people on that street.
46:36
Speaker 3: Yeah, well this is Hampton Street, dude, Apart from the
46:39
Speaker 3: rock climbing, that is Hampton Street. And so not only
46:42
Speaker 3: you're cutting the personal training pie, you're cutting the fitness
46:45
Speaker 3: pie because people can go you don't need.
46:48
Speaker 2: To train it.
46:48
Speaker 3: Come rock climbing, or come do forty five, or come
46:51
Speaker 3: do CrossFit, or come do that high drox or come
46:54
Speaker 3: do like there's so many options for people who want
46:57
Speaker 3: to change their body in some way that Yeah, it's like, oh,
47:01
Speaker 3: it's and also since I started, Like when I started,
47:05
Speaker 3: I had no competitors, Like how lucky was I. It's like,
47:09
Speaker 3: let me think about what all the other PT studios
47:12
Speaker 3: that don't exist are doing. It's like, no, well, just
47:16
Speaker 3: if I fucked up, it would have been totally me
47:18
Speaker 3: because I, essentially, in that space had no competition. So yeah,
47:22
Speaker 3: it's it's a it's an interesting territory to navigate when
47:29
Speaker 3: you're talking in things like that where there is no
47:33
Speaker 3: real right or wrong specifically.
47:38
Speaker 1: Yep, there's there's a lot of variables. What I love
47:41
Speaker 1: about that is this is what has worked for me. Yes,
47:45
Speaker 1: that's really mean, it's going to be what works for you.
47:50
Speaker 3: Last question before we go, what is one thing for
47:53
Speaker 3: you that you thought would work for you, not for
47:57
Speaker 3: anyone else, but what you thought was going to be
47:59
Speaker 3: the next big thing. Or light you on fire, and
48:01
Speaker 3: that was going to be your destiny or journey or
48:03
Speaker 3: path which you realized or had an epiphany or just
48:10
Speaker 3: discovered as a byproduct of results that turned out to
48:15
Speaker 3: be not the case.
48:18
Speaker 1: Maybe going into one of my businesses, I had thought
48:24
Speaker 1: at one point, not that the business would endure forever,
48:28
Speaker 1: but that the path I was on and the people
48:31
Speaker 1: I was on that path with or where I was
48:34
Speaker 1: going to spend the.
48:35
Speaker 2: Rest of my life.
48:36
Speaker 1: Right, I got into my head, this is this is
48:40
Speaker 1: this is my people, this is this is my geographical
48:44
Speaker 1: kind of destiny, this is this is my career path.
48:49
Speaker 1: And no, it did not work out like that at all.
48:53
Speaker 3: I think I know what you're talking about. Heim I
48:56
Speaker 3: love you. Always good to talk to you. The self
49:00
Speaker 3: help antidote is Bobby's show is his podcast. Robert Capuccio
49:05
Speaker 3: dot Com is his websites. You can find him on LinkedIn.
49:10
Speaker 3: Better than Instagram for.
49:11
Speaker 2: You, Yeah, definitely better than an Instagram.
49:14
Speaker 3: Yeh. He's still coaching people, by the by the way,
49:17
Speaker 3: like he's still available. Can people online coach with you?
49:22
Speaker 1: It's a case bake case basis, Like my job is
49:26
Speaker 1: coaching a lot of it. So I don't really take
49:29
Speaker 1: on private clients, not saying I wouldn't.
49:32
Speaker 3: It just it would.
49:33
Speaker 2: It would just be a case bake case basis would
49:35
Speaker 2: depend on on why and why.
49:38
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, I took on a client recently and I
49:42
Speaker 3: don't I'm like you, And we did one session. I
49:46
Speaker 3: love this dude. I can't say who he is, but
49:47
Speaker 3: he's got a very high level job, really good guy.
49:51
Speaker 3: And we spoke the first week on Zoom like this,
49:56
Speaker 3: and the next week he sent me a message. No,
49:59
Speaker 3: I said him a message because half the time, like
50:01
Speaker 3: we're talking about work related stuff and him and performance
50:05
Speaker 3: and other people and dynamics and just all the normal
50:07
Speaker 3: shit you talk about with kind of corporate coaching. And
50:11
Speaker 3: I discovered he's like he's a meathead, Like he's a
50:13
Speaker 3: very educated meathead. He loves the gym and so and
50:17
Speaker 3: this is weird, Like this is how flexible for me
50:21
Speaker 3: this stuff can be? And how buy the books? I
50:24
Speaker 3: am not? I said, hey, mate, do you want to
50:27
Speaker 3: do the next session at the gym so we can
50:30
Speaker 3: lift shit and talk about shit and then have a coffee.
50:32
Speaker 3: He's like, fuck, is that possible? I'm like, yeah, dude,
50:35
Speaker 3: would you like that? I go much better than talking
50:38
Speaker 3: on a fucking computer for an hour. And so now
50:40
Speaker 3: we do that. It's the best. Like it's the first
50:43
Speaker 3: time I've trained anyone in inverted commas, like in any
50:46
Speaker 3: kind of professional context. I'm talking about training, I'm talking
50:51
Speaker 3: about conditioning and stuff.
50:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, for ten years, And it's such ability to build
50:57
Speaker 1: community at the gem, Like I'm like one of those
51:00
Speaker 1: people that when I go to the gym, I don't
51:02
Speaker 1: talk to anyone.
51:04
Speaker 2: Right, no, I don't even make eye contact. But like
51:09
Speaker 2: the community at the gym down by Hampton that you've built,
51:12
Speaker 2: I love that, do you know what I love?
51:15
Speaker 3: I love that though, Like just before we got on air,
51:18
Speaker 3: you saw me drinking coffee through the show. Right, I
51:21
Speaker 3: live across the road from a cafe that I don't
51:23
Speaker 3: go to very often, but the last time I was there, well,
51:26
Speaker 3: i'd probably go once a week. But the last time
51:28
Speaker 3: I was there, this same young lady, I guess twenty,
51:33
Speaker 3: I don't know, two three four. While she was making
51:37
Speaker 3: my coffee, she was singing. I'm like, I so loved it,
51:40
Speaker 3: and she can sing. She can sing right, great coffee,
51:45
Speaker 3: great voice. I'm like, this is the best coffee ever.
51:47
Speaker 3: And then I went back in just before the show
51:49
Speaker 3: to get another coffee and she was there. I'm like,
51:52
Speaker 3: it's the singer and she laughed. I go, do you
51:56
Speaker 3: sing sing? Or did you just sing when you make coffee?
51:58
Speaker 3: She goes, no, I'm sing in a bunch of bands
52:01
Speaker 3: and this and that, and she was so happy that
52:05
Speaker 3: I recognized her. I hope she doesn't listen to this,
52:08
Speaker 3: because she asked me what the show is called. But anyway,
52:11
Speaker 3: if you're listening, I think your ace. And then we
52:14
Speaker 3: had this beautiful chat for three or four minutes. She's like,
52:16
Speaker 3: what do you do. I go like, ah, I don't
52:19
Speaker 3: really know. Like I gave her an insight and it's
52:21
Speaker 3: like a bit of this and a bit of that,
52:23
Speaker 3: you know, and but it's just to have an encounter
52:26
Speaker 3: with somebody. Three minutes. It was fun. And then I
52:30
Speaker 3: walk out the door. I turn around, I go, see
52:32
Speaker 3: you sing? I keep singing and she laughed. All good.
52:35
Speaker 3: It's like just those moments, like to have an encounter
52:40
Speaker 3: with someone where it's like win win. It's like just
52:44
Speaker 3: energy energy, and.
52:45
Speaker 1: I'm totally a sucker for talent. And on that note,
52:48
Speaker 1: I've got to get to an improv show.
52:51
Speaker 3: All right, dude, it's been great. Love your guts. I'll
52:54
Speaker 3: everyone talk to you soon.
52:56
Speaker 2: Bye bye