Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep 81: Strength in sorrow - Adrienne turned the loss of her 2 children into Dragonfly Grief Coaching

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Ep 81: Strength in sorrow - Adrienne turned the loss of her 2 children into Dragonfly Grief Coaching · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

0:01
Welcome back episode 81 here We are so grateful to be here again
0:08
on the podcast if you are new here, so grateful to have you
0:12
whether you're new or returning. But essentially this podcast is
0:16
a place where I'm I'm lucky enough to sit down with real
0:19
people who tell their true stories about how they have
0:24
overcome adversity and are currently overcoming adversity.
0:28
I know we all have it in different forms.
0:30
So with that, I would like to introduce my next guest, Adrian.
0:36
Thank you so much for being here.
0:38
Oh, hi, thank you so much for having me.
0:40
I'm really excited to just share my story and hopefully I can
0:43
help others with, you know, inspire inspiration.
0:47
Yeah, absolutely. If when this goes live, the show
0:51
notes will be there. So right now, if you're curious,
0:54
any resources, Adrian's Instagram ways to get in touch
0:59
with her, we're going to hear her story, but you can always
1:02
check out the resources down below at any time.
1:06
So Adrian, we got connected via Instagram and actually via my
1:11
friend Jade. Yeah, Jade used to date my
1:14
cousin like in 1990. Oh.
1:19
I love this. I'm going to have to text her
1:21
after and be like so. Yeah, I was like, they were like
1:25
teenagers. I don't know.
1:27
OK, got it. So that was the connection.
1:29
She was like, oh, you have to talk to Adrian.
1:31
And so we've been trying to connect for a while.
1:34
And I'm so glad that we we finally have.
1:37
And I'm going to stop talking pretty soon because I think the
1:40
real reason people are here is to hear true stories from my
1:43
guests. And so Adrian, I know you are
1:47
working as a grief recovery specialist.
1:51
Yeah, right now, but I which is a beautiful, beautiful role and
1:54
I'll let you talk about that, but I'm just going to kind of
1:57
rewind and let you talk about where your journey began,
2:02
wherever you'd like to start, really.
2:04
OK, sure. So I guess I would like to start
2:09
with I just kind of have always had not the best luck.
2:12
So I started out, I was a teenage mom.
2:16
I had my son when I was 17. So you know what, I chose to
2:21
have him as a single mother and I always had this kind of
2:25
independent streak of I don't want help from anyone.
2:30
I can do it on my own. So I got student loans, had my
2:34
own little apartment, went to get my bachelor science while I
2:38
was single mom to my son. And then, you know, I had my
2:43
daughter. I got married not to the father
2:47
when Kyler was about 5:00 and then I got married, had my
2:50
daughter had a very tumultuous relationship with a narcissist.
2:56
You know I'm. So sorry, yeah, you would have
3:01
hinted at that. And I'm just, that's all you got
3:03
to say for me to be sorry. Yeah, because I I see that you
3:07
have that topic is so I have a lot of experience with those
3:10
actually. But so, yeah.
3:12
So once I got, you know, my education, I started making more
3:16
money than him. He didn't like that.
3:18
Right. So, you know, then it just
3:21
became very toxic. So, you know, we got divorced
3:25
when my daughter was about 5:00. And then, so I was working as a
3:31
psychiatric nurse. I've always worked with
3:33
children. So I was doing an inpatient
3:36
psychiatric nursing position working with children and youth.
3:41
Then I lo and behold I find another narcissistic guy or they
3:46
find me. I think is how it works.
3:48
Yes, they find they're very predatory.
3:51
Yeah. So then, you know, I thought it
3:53
was all good at the beginning. And then a couple, was it a
3:57
couple years? Maybe.
3:59
Yeah, a couple years. Entire relationship.
4:02
My daughter got diagnosed with AML.
4:04
No. Well, first my son started, he
4:06
was 12, and he started experimenting with drugs and
4:11
very quickly. Very quickly, I could tell he
4:16
was an addict. Like it went from zero to 1000.
4:20
So I pulled him out of school. I homeschooled him.
4:24
I got him all the supports in place.
4:27
I quit my job. The narcissist was happy to pay
4:30
for things during that time. Yeah.
4:33
It's a form of control. Yeah, yeah.
4:36
And then my daughter, so Kyler, I had him, I supervised him
4:42
every day for about 6 months straight.
4:44
I didn't not leave him out of my sight.
4:45
Homeschooled him, got him all the sports.
4:47
He started a brand new school. And literally the first week of
4:52
him starting the brand new school, McKenzie got diagnosed
4:55
with cancer. So, yeah, so, you know, and then
5:04
it was kind of, she was kind of complained.
5:06
She had a sore arm. I took her to the ER and they
5:09
kind of gave us Tylenol, told us to go home.
5:11
And then it didn't really let up.
5:13
And then, yeah, so we got diagnosed in the emergency room,
5:17
you know what, 3 in the morning on a Friday night.
5:20
And so then the type of cancer she had, AML leukemia.
5:26
The the treatment is very like you're in the hospital.
5:29
You're not. I know it.
5:30
Yeah, I know, AML. Yeah.
5:32
So we, you know, we lived there and my son, of course, relapsed
5:38
and started getting in trouble and was fighting with my
5:42
partner, the narcissist. And then I had him go live with
5:47
my mom because I couldn't supervise him because I was
5:49
living in the hospital. And then, you know, when
5:52
Mackenzie was sick, I wasn't working.
5:56
My partner at the time lost his job and then his wife took him
6:01
or his ex-wife took him to court for alimony and all this stuff.
6:04
And then so me being the ever empath, I would sleep at one
6:09
hospital with my daughter and pick up shifts at the other
6:12
hospital and then I would sign my checks over for him to pay
6:16
his ex alimony. In hindsight I wouldn't have
6:20
done that again but in the moment I did that.
6:23
So then you know, eventually when she got out she was in full
6:29
remission, things were going good.
6:31
Kyler had ended up my son had ended up actually getting kicked
6:35
out of my mom's house and he was with his, we were in the
6:39
hospital for like 9 months straight basically.
6:40
So then he ended up at his other grandparents house.
6:44
And then finally when she got well and got home he was a a
6:48
disaster. So we actually had to have him
6:50
like court ordered to rehab. He was 15 at the time.
6:55
So we did that and then I pulled some strings with some of the
6:59
doctors I work with in child psychiatry.
7:04
So we got him into like more a mental health rehab program.
7:07
So he went there for six months. He came home on the weekends.
7:11
He was doing really well. We bought a new big fancy house
7:15
and he came home and everything was pretty good for, oh, maybe a
7:20
couple years. And then my husband, who liked
7:24
to buy the fanciest, most expensive things ever, lost his
7:27
job. And then it was really
7:29
stressful. So then I did what I do and I at
7:32
that time I was working in the ER doing the mental health
7:36
crisis for the youth in the emergency rooms.
7:40
I just like 60 hours a week to pay for everything while he was
7:45
unemployed. And then, I don't know, we got
7:49
into a text fight one day and then he took all our savings and
7:55
fled the country. He.
7:58
He. I can't hear you.
8:08
Did you? You froze.
8:09
Can you hear me? Let's see here.
8:13
Sorry, there we go. Can.
8:15
You hear me now? Yeah.
8:16
OK, cool. I think it cut off with you.
8:21
You were working in the ER. Yeah, OK.
8:25
I was working in the ER like 60 hours a week.
8:28
We got into a text fight one day I came home, he was gone.
8:31
He didn't take anything. He took his passport, nothing
8:35
else. And I just thought he would stay
8:37
at a friend's or whatever. And then he sent me a text
8:41
message saying I'm gone. And then all his cell phone,
8:44
e-mail and everything was disabled.
8:47
Part of me thought he jumped off a bridge or something, and then
8:52
I didn't really hear from him. And then that was in July.
8:57
And then with Dave not being home, Kyler spiralled really
9:01
badly with his addiction because he was also 18.
9:04
He's owned enough to buy liquor. So that didn't help.
9:08
So then he was, you know, I was paying all for all these fancy
9:11
cars in this house. And Kyler was, you know, having
9:14
all these dangerous people. So I had to ask him to leave
9:17
again. And then after that, Mackenzie
9:19
relapsed again with her cancer. I still didn't know where Dave
9:24
was. I couldn't get his name on.
9:26
His name was on everything. I couldn't do anything about
9:29
that. So I was just like, well, we had
9:31
to move to another city for her treatment.
9:34
So I just thought, well, I guess I'm going.
9:37
And if I go bankrupt, I go bankrupt.
9:39
And I had to go. So we went and it was like a
9:43
miracle. Like I had friends who had
9:46
fundraisers for me and I had my sister's friend rented my house
9:50
when I was gone. So like, it was like a miracle
9:52
like that. I didn't go bankrupt and just.
9:56
People, that's amazing. Yeah, no, it was.
9:59
It was like a miracle. And then she, you know, it
10:03
wasn't. It was really rough when we were
10:05
in Calgary. She almost died.
10:07
I don't know how many times. She was really sick.
10:11
It was horrible, but eventually she did get well enough to come
10:17
home. So then we came back to Edmonton
10:20
and then Dave's sister, my ex, she heard about cuz we're
10:24
Facebook friends or whatever. So she saw that we were what
10:27
we're going through. So she somehow tracked him down.
10:29
Apparently he went to Vietnam. I thought he was going to retire
10:34
there forever on our 20 grand or 30 grand or whatever he took.
10:37
And then so he did come back. We did get legally divorced.
10:42
I was able to sell the house and everything and things were
10:46
pretty good. Mackenzie was Kyler was not
10:48
good. He was like running wild in the
10:50
streets. Mackenzie was good for a little
10:53
bit and then she her transplant, they said that her bone marrow
10:58
was empty. So then we had to go get another
11:00
top up stem cells and then she was good for a little while and
11:06
then she got Grafers's host disease, which is very rare
11:11
complication, but and it just ravaged her body like so my life
11:16
for about two years in her life was we were in the ER, she's
11:19
having the surgery, she was admitted, she was in and out
11:22
like it was like a revolving door.
11:24
And I was working at the same hospital where she would be at.
11:27
So I would go to the hospital with her in the ER overnight and
11:31
then just stay and work my shift with no sleep because I had no
11:35
options at the time. So we did that for a couple
11:39
years. I ended up moving in with some
11:42
another narcissist and then it's OK, you know, what do you do?
11:49
And then, yeah, one day she actually had had a Halloween
11:54
party for her, for the guy I was living with.
11:58
He had young children and she was very much a mother hen kind
12:00
of thing. So she she had this awesome
12:03
Halloween party. She was so weak.
12:04
I remember we went to Dollarama and went to buy this stuff for
12:08
the party and she like fell over in the aisle because she was
12:11
just so weak. And but she did this awesome
12:13
Halloween party for these kids. She, you know, she had scary
12:18
stories. She decorated the house, she did
12:19
crafts with them. She made all the goodies.
12:21
And then at the end of the Halloween party, she's like,
12:26
mom, I need to go to the ER and then she's having trouble
12:30
breathing. So I just said, well, we have an
12:32
appointment first thing in the morning.
12:33
Just stay home. We'll go first thing in the
12:36
morning. And then when she went that next
12:39
day, the doctor had said to her, you know, Mackenzie, when kids
12:44
are sick like you, sometimes their heart stops.
12:47
And if your heart stops, do you want to, you know, do you want
12:50
us to stick a tube down your throat and pound in your chest?
12:53
She said no. And then I called her dad.
12:56
And we agreed that, like, she suffered too much.
12:58
And if that was the case, then we wouldn't, we wouldn't revive
13:02
her. And then she was gone in 10 days
13:04
after that party. And then my son at the time was,
13:10
I think he was on crystal meth. He'd been raped.
13:13
He'd been, you know, beaten. He'd been, It was a really bad
13:16
state of affairs. So then I got him out of the
13:22
place he was living in and got him a room for rent, got him all
13:26
new clothes. Like, you never have to go back
13:28
to that place. You can't come home because I
13:31
was living with that guy. It's like you can't come home.
13:33
Like, you got to get yourself cleaned up and then we'll figure
13:35
something out. And then on her service, he
13:39
tried to commit suicide like after that, but it didn't work.
13:44
I think his body was so used to all the drugs.
13:46
And then and then four months after that, not even four
13:52
months, she died November 1st. My father called me January
13:57
27th. I have leukemia.
14:01
I was like, what, Like it's like this is a joke.
14:04
And he had the same leukemia Mackenzie had.
14:08
He had AML leukemia. And then my sister who had just
14:12
moved to BC, she had come back and she was like, you just dealt
14:17
with this with Mackenzie. You can't do it with dad.
14:19
Like I'll come and I'll help. So my dad was taking care of my
14:22
grandfather who had dementia. And then so my sister came back
14:26
to Edmonton to help with the appointments and, and that kind
14:29
of thing. And the interesting thing,
14:33
before he got diagnosed, he said to me, Mackenzie's talking to
14:37
me. And I was like, what?
14:39
I was like, my dad had bipolar disorder, so I thought, oh,
14:42
maybe you need your meds adjusted.
14:44
But right before he got diagnosed, he was like, she's
14:47
talking to me, She's talking to me.
14:49
And then after he got sick, he said she would talk to him and
14:53
say, Papa, you did the easy treatment.
14:55
I did the hard treatment. You're a wimp.
14:57
Like he would tell me like, like she was talking to him and then,
15:02
you know, within six weeks of diagnosis, he got an infection
15:05
and passed away. So I lost my daughter and my
15:08
father in a four month period. And then I was working because
15:13
the narcissist I was living with, nobody gets free ride.
15:16
Everyone has to pay their way. So he keep pressuring me.
15:19
So I went back to work pretty quick after Mackenzie died.
15:22
So then I was stuck with my I have another narcissist in the
15:25
story. Then I was stuck, you know,
15:27
taking care of my grandfather. I was the only person that lived
15:30
in Edmonton. My grandfather was the sweetest
15:33
man alive. He, you know, gave everyone the
15:36
shirt off his back. He, you know, he was a great
15:39
guy. So I called my dad's sister who
15:42
lived in the States. It's like, you need to come.
15:45
He needs to get put in a home. He's got dementia.
15:47
Like I can't do this. I'm working full time.
15:49
I just lost these people. You need to come help.
15:52
So she came up to Edmonton and she wasn't.
15:57
I think she thought she would be in control of all his finances,
16:01
but my grandfather knew how she was.
16:05
Also, she's a narcissist. So he made it that it was me and
16:09
her together as the power of attorney and everything.
16:14
So I think she came thinking she could just do whatever she
16:17
wanted. And then she realized she
16:18
couldn't. And then I said, well he needs
16:20
to go into home. He can't live by himself, I
16:22
can't take care of him. And she just looked at me one
16:25
day and said I'm not the person who takes care of my demented
16:28
grandfather. And she just booked ticket and
16:31
left. So here I am, working full time,
16:36
living with this guy who's expecting me to cook dinner
16:38
every night and take care of his kids, taking care of my
16:41
grandfather. My father just died, My
16:43
daughter, my daughter just died. And then my son was running the
16:47
streets. So then I kept calling.
16:52
I kept calling ambulances to come take him to the hospital.
16:55
And then the pandemic hit. So I called an ambulance like
17:00
quite regularly, and they wouldn't take him because of the
17:02
pandemic. So then, you know, I was doing
17:06
that. And then my son would go and
17:08
stay there sometimes. And then my aunt came to town
17:11
once around Thanksgiving. And at the time, my son was
17:15
clean and she basically slammed the door in his face, wouldn't
17:18
let him use the phone, wouldn't let him get his meds and was
17:20
just like, you're not welcome here, Go away.
17:23
So she kicked him out on Thanksgiving and then she went,
17:27
flew back to Arizona. And then, you know, eventually
17:31
the ambulance did take him to the hospital and where I had to
17:34
say, yeah, I can't like he, I can't take care of him.
17:39
So then he eventually got into a home from the hospital and then
17:44
within six weeks, he died again. He died.
17:47
So then, yeah, I called my aunt and was like, you know, I did
17:49
all the hard work. I did all the meal prep, I did
17:51
all the appointments. I did all the, you know, took
17:53
him for haircuts, like you can do the funeral.
17:55
So, but I still had to do his house.
17:59
I like he lived there for 50 years.
18:00
So I had to like during the pandem, I find myself clean out
18:03
this house and sell the house and all that jazz.
18:07
And then shortly after that, the guy I was living with told me he
18:12
wanted me to take my daughter's photos down because they made
18:14
him sad. Oh.
18:18
Wow, that's not supportive at all.
18:22
Yeah, that's. Not what you need to hear when
18:26
you're grieving. Right.
18:30
So then I bought a condo, moved out, I got some inheritance from
18:36
my dad and my grandpa. So I left him, obviously.
18:39
And then and then Kyler had gone to rehab.
18:43
So he had come to me during the pandemic.
18:45
He's like, mom, I'm ready to go to rehab.
18:47
But then, because of the pandemic, the rehab was shut
18:49
down. Oh, right.
18:54
So then it was like putting out fires, putting out fires,
18:57
putting out fires, putting him in Airbnb, putting him in a
18:59
hotel, picking him up at the ER, like until they, they finally
19:04
had a spot for him. So then he did go to rehab, he
19:07
did well. And then he, of course, he
19:10
hooked up with some girl, which you're not supposed to do in
19:12
rehab, but that's. What they say, right?
19:18
And I, I, Yeah. So then he sorry.
19:23
No, no, I was just, I was just saying I'm yeah, like I've
19:26
that's it's tough. Emotions are high.
19:29
Everything. Everybody's trying to get well.
19:31
And yeah, you probably at that point are encouraged to focus on
19:35
yourself, right? Yeah.
19:37
Things happen, yeah. So we met this girl, and
19:40
initially, like, it was good they were sober, but then they
19:44
relapsed together. Yeah.
19:46
And I, I had already moved to my condo by myself.
19:49
And then she called me and she said she had to do CPR on him.
19:54
You disappeared. Oh.
19:56
We're there now. Yeah.
19:57
Yeah. Sorry, something.
19:58
I moved the thing OK. Yeah, I.
20:01
She called me and she said he overdosed and she had to do CPR
20:04
and he was in the hospital and the people at the hospital said
20:08
he would need dialysis 'cause he damaged his body so much and all
20:13
this other jazz. So I was waiting, 'cause he was
20:16
in. It was a small town.
20:17
He was supposed to be trapped, airlifted to some hospital in
20:20
the city. I was waiting and waiting and
20:23
waiting, and nobody ever called me.
20:25
And then when I called the hospital, they said, oh, no, he
20:27
left. And I was like, what?
20:29
I thought you need dialysis. So I tracked him down.
20:32
Then I was like, OK, I can't lose both my kids.
20:34
You're coming home. So he came home.
20:39
He started the methadone program.
20:41
And he was still like, using other substances.
20:47
You know, I had to call the police on him a few times.
20:49
Like, he came after me once and I had to lock myself in the
20:53
like, it was pretty initially. It was really difficult.
20:58
And then, you know, one time after I had him removed and told
21:02
the police to take him to the homeless shelter, he's like, OK
21:05
mom, like I can't be down here. I'll die down here.
21:08
Like I'm willing to try something different.
21:10
So when he went on a different treatment, he went on Suboxone.
21:16
And then it was like those relapses were like less, lesser
21:23
and lesser. And he was clean.
21:26
He was coming to the gym with me.
21:27
He got a part time job. One day he said to me, mom, I
21:31
think I want to go to college. And I was like, what really Like
21:34
you've been struggling since grade 7.
21:36
I never even thought you'd get through high school.
21:38
But so then he got, he applied to be an addictions counselor
21:43
and he got funding and he was doing the work and he was
21:48
getting straight A's and he was, it was fantastic.
21:51
It was awesome. I never thought I'd see him like
21:53
that. So then he started in, I can't
21:57
remember when he started a few months after I was like, OK,
22:00
you're 25. Like you need to learn some
22:02
independence. So like, I'm going to get you a
22:04
room for rent. You're always welcome to come
22:08
home. You can come home every weekend.
22:09
I'll take you shopping. But like, you need to learn you
22:12
know how to be. Yeah, it's a good thing.
22:14
Yeah. Yeah.
22:15
Yeah, so he, the first room for rent he had he he was there for
22:20
six days and then he calls me in the middle of the night.
22:23
He's like, mom, the place is my house is on fire.
22:27
I was like, oh God. I was like, what did you do?
22:29
What did you do? And he's like, honestly, Mom, it
22:31
wasn't me. So I because I assumed it was
22:35
him, right? And then I got there, it wasn't
22:37
him. And the house like burnt to the
22:39
ground. He had nothing.
22:41
It was like Christmas time and he had, he had nothing.
22:44
The only thing survived was his bong.
22:50
So I was like, well, I guess you're coming home again.
22:54
So he came home again. I, you know, I got donations of
22:57
clothing from people because he had, he had, everything was
22:59
gone. I had to buy him a new laptop.
23:02
And we just kind of laughed about.
23:03
That's the one thing I can say about being going through all
23:06
this shit. I'm always able to laugh at the
23:08
situation. Like, yes, yeah, like his his
23:12
dad gave him these clothes from like the 90s, like the first
23:15
somewhere. And like he I just like, I'd be
23:17
like, you look so silly. Like this is just.
23:19
Time to laugh in it like. Totally, Yeah, totally.
23:23
Like we laughed so hard at his outfits, but but we I'm I'm glad
23:28
that happened because we had a great Christmas that year.
23:30
My mom had come up from BC and he was sober.
23:33
He was like cutting vegetables. He was like helping decorate.
23:36
Like it was very wholesome and it was love.
23:39
And so then that was December and then February, he started
23:44
dating this girl who I knew was no good.
23:46
And I was like, I don't want to deal with this.
23:49
Like you're going to get another room for rent.
23:53
So I got him a room for rent by EU of A with student, a bunch of
23:58
other students. And then he was still doing
24:01
really well. And then February 28th he I kind
24:07
of joked. I was like, oh, you've lasted a
24:08
whole month at a place without getting kicked out.
24:11
Like good for you. Don't go celebrating.
24:14
And I think he did go celebrating because he was on
24:17
that train and he had been drinking and he lipped off a
24:23
teenage gang And so they beat him.
24:26
There was about 8 of them and they beat him pretty badly.
24:31
The beating lasted, I don't know, 30 minutes.
24:34
And when the police were waiting at the other train stop to
24:38
intervene, Kyler refused to go to the emergency room because he
24:43
hates hospitals because his sister died in the hospital.
24:46
So and all the and they delete all the footage of the trains
24:52
within 24 hours. So and all the guys have
24:54
bandanas covering their face like this.
24:57
So they were young though I don't even think they were of
25:00
age, but he had. So then a few days, for the next
25:05
6 days or so he'd say because he died on March 9th, he'd be like
25:09
he would go to the ER for help, say I can't breathe.
25:12
He'd say mom, I think I have COVID, I can't breathe, my chest
25:14
hurts. And they kick him out because
25:17
they thought he was looking for drugs because he has an addict
25:19
history. So he did three different
25:22
emergency room visits and he went to his GP and they all just
25:26
kept sending him home. So then on March 8th, he sent me
25:31
a text. He said, I don't know, they sent
25:32
me home. I don't know why I'm in so much
25:34
pain, but they sent me home and I'm home now.
25:38
And of course they stole his phone and when they attacked
25:40
him. So he said, OK, mom, can you get
25:42
me a new SIM card? And my girlfriend's got an old
25:45
phone I can use, whatever. So I said, yeah, I'm tired, I'll
25:48
bring it tomorrow. And then that was about 7:00 PM
25:52
on March 8th. And at March 9th at 9:00 in the
25:57
morning, I saw a message on Facebook saying rest in peace
26:00
Kyler. So the girlfriend he had had was
26:05
on the methadone program and she had given him.
26:08
She's not supposed to have it. She's supposed to be supervised
26:11
taking it. But she didn't.
26:13
She cheeked it. So she gave him some methadone
26:16
and then a fake Percocet that had fentanyl in it.
26:21
And when I went to the home, the police were there.
26:26
It was a homicide investigation. They wouldn't let me see him.
26:32
And then, yeah, that was that was that.
26:38
Gosh, I'm so sorry. So that was like 2018 to 2023,
26:43
so five years. So you, you're, gosh, you've
26:48
both of your kids. My father, my grandfather, my
26:53
uncle, I didn't even put my uncle in the book.
26:55
So I was like, people won't even believe this because then my
26:57
uncle lived here and I'm the only one that lives in Edmonton.
27:01
And then he got lung cancer. So then I was doing like doing
27:05
the visits and I finally put a boundary down and I was like, I
27:07
can't do this. Like I can do like I can visit
27:10
him once a week. That's all I can manage.
27:12
So I did do that, you know, once a week kind of thing.
27:16
But yeah. Well, I know and I again, I
27:20
could say a say I'm sorry over and over and I and I know you
27:26
are obviously a grief recovery specialist and but I just want
27:30
to take a minute and just ask you how you're doing.
27:35
I mean are. I'm doing really good right now
27:38
actually, but it was like it was not easy.
27:45
I mean, I did all the things because I'm a mental health
27:47
therapist, right? So I, I did so much therapy on
27:50
my own. I went on meds like the
27:53
meditation, like what really, what really was helpful actually
27:58
is my job. I had to, I got to cover off
28:05
another position. So I was, I had an office to
28:08
myself when I was based and it was quiet.
28:10
So I was alone all the time. So I just did so many meditation
28:13
like you two things and like manifestation and that's when I
28:18
wrote my book because I had nothing to do at work so.
28:21
You just throw yourself into the healing of like.
28:25
Yeah, I was like, I have all this time.
28:27
Nobody's watching over my back. I can.
28:32
And you know, I just as a mother, I just, I'm sending you
28:38
so much love and prayers and and care right now.
28:42
And I just commend you again for like when you were telling the
28:47
story about your daughter Mackenzie, she how old?
28:51
How old was she when she passed? She was 1515.
28:57
Again, I'm so sorry. And I actually knew two people
29:00
who had. It's acute myeloid leukemia,
29:03
right? Yeah, one, when I was in high
29:05
school, one of my friend's mom's passed away from AML, and then
29:09
one of my neighborhood dads did as well, AML.
29:13
And so I'll never forget that when you said yeah.
29:16
And I just, it's very, I'm sure anyone listening right now can
29:21
relate. If you've been through watching
29:24
somebody, it's very difficult to go through that.
29:30
Do you remember how you were able to power through that as a
29:33
mother, like when you were working those shifts?
29:35
And then how did you get through that period?
29:39
Obviously you got through it, but do you remember how?
29:43
I drank a lot of wine and I took, I had a psychiatrist
29:49
friend who gave me a heavy dose of sleeping pills so I could
29:52
sleep because I'd sleep at the hospital, but there's
29:55
everything's banging and bonging and whatever.
29:58
I mean, like that's what I did. And then also I was just very
30:02
much like, I was super stubborn, like, like we can't lose her.
30:06
It's not an option. It's not an option.
30:07
It's not. So family would say, do you want
30:09
us to come down? And I'd say no, if you come
30:11
down, that means she's not going to make it like you can't, no,
30:14
like you can't come because that means something's bad.
30:17
So I'm just going to do it by myself.
30:19
And her dad did come. He came on the weekends to kind
30:22
of spin me off, but it was like it was, she was so sick that I
30:31
remember once she had like her mouth sores were so bad, like
30:33
her lips were completely black. She couldn't, she had every
30:37
infection you could possibly imagine, but she couldn't take
30:40
anything to bring the fever down because of she couldn't have
30:43
anything orally. So I remember just laying awake
30:48
all night, like putting cold clothes to get it down, get it
30:51
down, get it down. And then she had an infection in
30:53
her central line, so they had to take it out and they couldn't
30:57
intubate her because they left the sores down her throat.
31:01
And I remember just going there, being positive, like, come on,
31:03
Mac, like, we can do this. So then when they did the
31:05
surgery, they couldn't put her out.
31:07
So they just really like drugged her.
31:10
But I remember the two nurse that the two are our nurses
31:12
coming in and seeing the shape she was in, they're like, oh,
31:15
we're going to go get a blanket. And then they left.
31:17
And when they came back in, they're both, they both have
31:19
been crying. Like it was it.
31:22
They said that she had the worst case in mucositis that Calgary
31:25
Children's Hospital has ever seen in 30 years or something.
31:28
So it was she suffered like that poor girl suffered that.
31:33
She was so resilient like up until the end, like she was
31:36
still raising money for kids with cancer.
31:38
She would like on her day passes she'd go and feed the homeless
31:41
like she was just an amazing. Amazing and and I know, I know
31:49
it's not easy to look back on those times.
31:51
So thank you for like being open and sharing that.
31:54
And but the what came to mind for me is, and I'm sure you're
31:58
not going to take you, you seem like someone who might not take
32:01
this compliment. But it sounds like she had a
32:05
very strong mother by her side. And like sitting with her in
32:10
your presence must have been a form of love and comfort Despite
32:18
that suffering, to have your mom right there with you.
32:21
Yeah, and I feel like, I feel like she lived as long as she
32:24
did from sheer willpower, 'cause she was an Aries and she was
32:27
super driven and she used to always say, you know, my mom,
32:30
she's a warrior Princess. She never gives up because she
32:33
called me like what I was going through.
32:34
I was like, OK, we're just packing the car and we're going
32:37
and maybe we'll come back and the house will be repossessed.
32:39
Like I don't know, like what do? You do just you, you keep going
32:46
or have any other choice. And I, gosh, I want to, with
32:52
both of your children, obviously, like I want to pay
32:56
tribute to them. And it, it sounds like both of
33:02
them endured a lot of suffering. But yet they, what I find really
33:11
just strong in the way that you're talking about both of
33:13
them is like your constant fight to fight for them, to give them
33:18
resources. And again, like, especially with
33:21
addiction and all of that, that's always challenging.
33:26
So I just, I, I again, I want to just commend you for your
33:32
strength as a mother and again, for just being able to open up
33:36
and like Share your story. It's very.
33:39
Much. Appreciated.
33:41
I remember Kyler saying he's like, mom, you're the mom of all
33:44
my friends, moms who tried the hardest to get them, get them to
33:48
stop using. Most of them gave up.
33:51
You just never stopped trying, you know?
33:54
No, I was like I could, but that's just my how I am.
33:58
I guess I can do this like I will save you.
34:01
I know obviously it wasn't possible, but rain, that's how I
34:04
was thinking during that. Yes, well, and on a on a light
34:11
note, I would love to when you think about both of your kids,
34:15
you had mentioned that your daughter was sounds like heart
34:18
of gold, always thinking of others.
34:20
And what are the things when you look back that like when you
34:24
remember them, what are the the things that you loved about each
34:26
of them? Kyler was also very, he was very
34:33
empathetic. I remember when he was at the
34:36
like the rehab hospital, they said, you know, your son cares
34:40
about others and he's kind in a way that can't be taught.
34:43
Like that's just who he is. They were both like that.
34:47
And they're both really smart and they were both really funny.
34:53
Yeah, they were. They were gems.
34:57
And then, you know, people have reached out, like, because of
35:00
Kyler's addiction, he did some not nice things.
35:02
And but people like his old friends, like, have reached out
35:06
to me. And they're like, I'm so sorry.
35:08
They're like, I knew Kyler. And when people were mean to me,
35:11
he was kind to me. And, and like, even, you know,
35:15
this year I've had people reach out to me about things like
35:18
that. So I know that I know that
35:21
they're angels, Like, and I believe that I was their mother
35:28
for a reason. And I want to share my story
35:31
because like, there's life is so hard.
35:35
And, and like, even though these kids were struggling so much,
35:38
they, they still found like, joy and we're kind.
35:44
Yes and please. Yeah, it's yeah.
35:50
And funny. No, it's I can see, I can see
35:55
where they. We're just off like most people.
36:00
That would be like, Oh no, my life is over.
36:02
We're just like, Oh well, what do we do now?
36:05
Honest, that's what I'm getting chills right now, and I can't
36:09
wait to tell Jade about this too, because Jade is like that
36:12
too. Like something bad will be
36:13
happening. She's like, well, welcome to my
36:15
life. And like, I'm like, oh, you're
36:17
she's OK. I think she's like making a
36:19
joke. I'm like, no, she is.
36:21
And then as I've now I know her much, much better.
36:23
And she's one of the closest friends.
36:25
I'm like, oh, yeah, She always finds it.
36:28
She always picks it up. But nothing will get that girl
36:30
down. Like, she'll have a moment, but
36:32
then she's like, all right, so let's go.
36:34
What are we gonna do? Let's fix it.
36:36
Exactly. And that's what they were both
36:37
like. Like McKenzie would be like
36:39
having emergency surgery and be like, cracking jokes, right?
36:43
Oh yeah. And Kyler's saying with his like
36:45
addiction or whatever, like he would joke about it and and he I
36:50
actually do have a granddaughter, which is another
36:51
sad part of my story. So Kyler had knocked a check up
36:56
during the pandemic and he was actually sober.
36:59
And here when it was the pandemic, they had like these
37:02
shelters for the homeless had food.
37:05
He said they had lots of food, but they had an apartment so
37:08
they didn't need to stay at the shelter.
37:10
So, but he would, because she was pregnant, he would take the
37:14
bus to this shelter and like load up all this food and bring
37:19
it back for her because so she could eat.
37:21
And then I think what happened was her mom is who's a
37:25
psychiatrist had said, if you, I'll give you $10,000 if you
37:29
leave Kyler. So they kind of, you know, in
37:32
the middle of the pandemic, just like he came to the apartment
37:35
one day and they were packing it up and we're like, see, you're
37:38
fucked. Like she's coming home.
37:41
We're going to raise the baby and now you're homeless again.
37:46
So she did have the baby and she would be about four now, I
37:49
think. And then I've reached out and
37:52
they won't. Yeah.
37:55
That's that's challenging. That's hard.
37:57
Yeah, yeah, so. But here I am, still smiling,
38:01
still helping people. Or you are.
38:05
I think I not. I think I agree with what your
38:08
daughter, how she described you. You're like a warrior Princess
38:11
like you. That doesn't mean, as I'm
38:14
learning through talking to so many people, that doesn't mean
38:17
that like you don't have your moments where you're brought to
38:20
your knees. And.
38:21
You have been and I, I, I just, I am like marvel at your
38:30
strength and your willingness to just, I mean, I just, I, I, your
38:36
pain is seen And I just hope that you feel like support from
38:43
friends, family, community, like online community, like these
38:48
connections. Like I really feel that you
38:51
don't have to know someone for a long time to be able to connect
38:54
and support or even like, because people listening to this
38:58
have lost. People are losing, people are
39:02
coping. And so part of what you're
39:05
doing, you're actually a grief recovery specialist.
39:10
So tell me about that. Well, I started it actually
39:14
after I lost my father. I was like, something needs to
39:18
come of this, Something good needs to come of this because
39:20
otherwise why did this happen? Yes.
39:22
So I got trained up to do it and then I was starting to do it,
39:32
and then I actually slipped on the ice at work and gave myself
39:34
a super bad concussion and was like unable to function for a
39:37
couple minutes like it. Wasn't really literally that.
39:40
Wow. Yeah, like literally.
39:42
So then I got put on because I was actually going to start
39:45
doing groups. Like I had a gig set up and I
39:47
was going to be doing grief recovery groups.
39:49
And then I fell, hit my head, had a really bad concussion, and
39:53
then Kyler died. And then I was like, oh, I'm not
39:54
really ready yet. So, so now I'm ready.
39:59
So yeah. But I mean, I, I found I did a
40:03
lot of therapy and that grief recovery method is I, I really
40:06
liked it because it like, once you learn how to do it, you can
40:10
just do it on your own. It's like a tool.
40:14
Like, it's not like I don't want to create dependency because
40:16
like, people shouldn't need therapy forever, but it's not
40:19
like we're going to share this valuable tool so that you can
40:22
cope with things on your own. Moving on.
40:26
Amazing. Watch for your own as somebody
40:30
experiencing grief and you've had a lot of grief in a short
40:34
period of time. Boom, boom, boom.
40:37
I mean, that, that sounds like it's just, I can imagine that
40:45
the grief you're going through, I mean, you ultimately know
40:47
exactly what you're helping your clients through and your group,
40:52
you're living it. Yeah, I'm like, you can still
40:55
like, I, I believe. I mean, not all people believe,
40:58
but I think they all should. I have a strong belief in the
41:01
afterlife and I find that really helpful.
41:02
So I do try that with people like, you know, I have a
41:06
colleague I work with who lost her son as well, but she's just
41:10
stuck in that victim mentality and like, find any lessons in
41:14
it. And I just think that's why
41:16
you're miserable like you, the reason why you're handed these
41:21
things is so you can grow and learn, not so you can forever
41:25
like punish yourself. You know what I mean?
41:28
It's. Amazing and beautiful that you
41:31
are saying that because I fully believe it.
41:34
And for somebody like you who has felt the deepest pain, it's
41:39
really hitting me hard because like you, you, what has happened
41:48
in your life, you had a choice and you have a choice everyday
41:51
like you have chosen to make the most of this, help people move
41:58
forward. But like you're saying, some
42:02
people who lose people lose children that, that you,
42:05
they're, they're stuck there. Yeah, and I just think like, you
42:09
know, I probably have another 40 years on this earth.
42:11
Am I just going to choose to experience it being stuck in in
42:15
grief? Or am I choosing to learn from
42:18
it and grow from it and try and find beauty in life because I
42:21
know I'll see them again? Yeah, absolutely.
42:26
The faith piece is so huge. Oh, I mean, and what I know
42:31
everybody has different levels of faith, but for me, connecting
42:35
with God through lost, anyone I've lost has been like
42:41
ultimately the, the biggest gift right now.
42:46
When you if somebody listening like is saying like, OK, but I,
42:52
I, I feel like if I start to to smile again and laugh again, am
42:58
I not, am I letting that go? Like how do you how do you
43:01
explain or grief? Like how do you think about
43:05
grief when in your. Own well, I feel like I know
43:10
because my well with my daughter, she knew she was going
43:14
so she wrote me a letter saying I want you to be happy like I'm
43:18
always going to be with you. And so I just think like because
43:22
of my belief that they're still very much alive and they're
43:24
around and probably doing more important work than they were
43:28
doing here. I just feel like they don't want
43:32
me to be miserable, like they don't want that to be my
43:35
experience on this earth. And I still have, I still have
43:42
like I take their anniversaries and their birthdays off and I
43:47
have those days and I honor them and I put make stockings for
43:51
them at Christmas. And they're still very much part
43:54
of my life. But that doesn't mean that's my
43:56
whole life, you know, like. Yes.
44:04
So I think, I think it's like. They're always a part of their
44:07
life, yeah. Like, I will never, like when
44:09
people ask me how many kids I have, I tell them I'm not, you
44:14
know? Sorry.
44:15
Did you hear me? Yeah.
44:17
Like if they say how many kids I say have.
44:19
Oh, yes, I think there was a little delay, you see, OK.
44:23
And then I just like they're very much part of my life, but I
44:26
also like I was a young mom, so I was good at that early on is I
44:31
still had a life outside of my children.
44:34
So I continuing to have a life outside of my children, but
44:37
they're still part of my life. I, I think that's a really good
44:46
way to look at it with, with grief, like because whether it's
44:50
again, whoever you've lost, right?
44:53
And I, I mean, you can only speak to your own experience of,
44:56
if you've been through certain types of loss.
44:58
There's different, obviously different relationships, but
45:02
it's, I think it's, we're, we have so many different parts of
45:05
our life, right? And like we are more than just
45:08
one part of it. And so it's really, I think it's
45:12
beautiful that your daughter wrote you that letter.
45:16
Like what a beautiful thing. And she sounds like she was an
45:20
amazing person. For a kid to say that to their
45:23
mother and write that like that is such a beautiful gift to give
45:25
you. Yeah, yeah.
45:28
So I I do, you know, I do hold on to that and I'm going to, I
45:33
guess it's like, it's like anything like it's just a
45:37
different part. I have to compartmentalize.
45:39
Like some people, oh, my marriage is this.
45:41
My friends are this, my work is this for me.
45:43
It's like, oh, my passed on kids are this, my work is this.
45:47
My life is this. It's part of my life and it will
45:50
never not be. But it's not my whole life.
45:53
And the realize that the purpose of losing, I mean everyone dies.
46:00
Purpose of losing people isn't so that you're supposed to be
46:04
miserable the rest of your life. Oh, absolutely.
46:08
And I oh gosh, a couple days ago I just actually interviewed a
46:13
lady named Nikki and she is a death doula.
46:18
Yeah. Oh, that would be cool, I
46:19
thought actually. She was amazing.
46:22
And I mean, every guest is amazing and they all have,
46:25
everybody has their own story. She talks about how death while
46:30
it's it's it's so difficult and so hard.
46:33
And even for her, she's like, I'm just because I'm a death dua
46:35
doesn't mean I've got it like all down, she said.
46:38
But for her, she's learned death is an invitation to move more
46:43
deeply and fully and like, hug more like, like be more present
46:48
in that hug like it doesn't. We, we're not here to just
46:53
suffer. It's a part of, it's certainly a
46:55
part of life is suffering. No, for sure.
46:58
And I do do that. I do find that even just with
47:02
Mackenzie's long illness in between, the hospital state is
47:06
like, it was like, oh, you're having a good day, we're going
47:08
here. We're doing this like we're
47:10
enjoying it. Oh yeah, So get up, right?
47:13
Sure. So I got trained at that and I
47:17
continue to do that. Yeah, the gift of I mean, it's
47:23
like we all know that we're we're immortal or immortal,
47:26
right? We know immortal as far as like
47:28
on this earth, but yet we forget and we stress about the things
47:34
that ultimately don't matter. And then when you go through
47:38
this adversity and you lose people and I again, can't even
47:42
imagine because I have not been in your shoes.
47:45
And so I just want to again, like just I, I think they're
47:51
when you lose a child and you've any, any, any type of loss like
47:56
that, I'm sure it's comforting to know that you really leaned
48:03
in those moments with her, right?
48:05
And that you did everything you could with your son.
48:08
Like it's like that mother's love, right?
48:11
Yeah, he'd be homeless on the street and I'd say, OK, well I
48:16
don't feel safe with you coming home, but I will take you for a
48:18
haircut and a nice lunch and get you some food.
48:22
They say, they say like you have to have those boundaries, right?
48:26
Like, and I know we talked about you are definitely a giver and
48:31
like a lover. So it's you have to in life kind
48:37
of like establish these boundaries of like what you can
48:41
give and what you can because people have to ultimately like
48:44
learn to take, they have to take ownership, right?
48:47
And like, it's just such a you had mentioned that you had been
48:52
in some relationship with narcissists.
48:54
And I think they often prey upon that giving, yeah, giving nature
48:59
in that light. They love the light.
49:03
Yeah, they sure do. Sure do, and they love to dim
49:05
it. Yeah, but I've learned my
49:08
lesson. Like I can spot one from a mile
49:10
away now. Oh, it's now.
49:17
It's like now you're like, how did I not see that?
49:21
No, exactly. But you just don't know what you
49:23
don't. Yeah, now I know.
49:26
You, you. You can't, you can't.
49:29
Absolutely No, sorry. I think there's like a little
49:32
bit of a delay if I interrupted you.
49:33
Sorry about that. No Gosh.
49:39
Now are you in your current role?
49:42
Are you doing, do you do group, group therapy?
49:45
Do you do one-on-one? Like what are the what are the
49:47
different services that you offer?
49:49
Well, I have a day job. So my day job is, I do
49:52
children's mental health crisis and all that.
49:54
But like for my grief stuff, I, I do like, I, I prefer to do
50:00
one-on-one and like a virtual format.
50:01
That's my preference. So that's what I'm doing.
50:09
That's that's, that's awesome. That's such a sorry, it's
50:12
cutting out a little bit. Sorry about that.
50:15
I don't know. I think my now you can hear me
50:18
right? Yeah.
50:19
Let's see, there we go. OK, cool little Internet there.
50:24
So you OK, so you work during the day, you help with
50:27
children's mental health. That's that's fantastic and so
50:30
needed. And then you so if anybody is
50:34
looking for support in grief, in at all things surrounding grief,
50:41
you do one-on-one. Yeah.
50:44
Therapy. Yeah, yeah.
50:48
So virtually. That is awesome.
50:52
Yeah. So anyone, anyone that's tuning
50:55
in here, if you're struggling with grief, I know we all go
50:59
through grief at different times.
51:03
It's definitely something that you do not have to navigate
51:06
alone. I think that in fact often makes
51:09
it worse when you don't have any resources to kind of guide you
51:13
through it, right? Yeah, for sure.
51:18
Yeah, yeah. Adrian, I don't want to miss
51:21
talking about your book, which I'm putting a link down in the
51:25
show notes. Can you talk all about that for
51:27
people who are interested in in reading your story?
51:30
Sure. So my book is called The Almost
51:31
Miracle Years. It's available on Amazon, Barnes
51:36
and Noble, Kobo and Lulu. It is a memoir.
51:41
So the first half of the book, it's kind of a mixture of my, my
51:45
mom, my first, the first time Mackenzie was sick, my mom kept
51:49
a journal. So it's kind of like going back
51:51
and forth between my experience and my mom's journal.
51:54
And the second-half is kind of like the rest of the shit storm.
51:59
And then the, you know, the, you know, the end is very, the
52:03
feedback I've had is it's very inspirational and provides hope
52:08
is very positive. It's not like, oh, poor me.
52:12
It's more like this is what I learned.
52:14
And I will always love my kids and I will see them.
52:17
Yeah. That's beautiful.
52:23
I love that. I love that it's, you know, for
52:27
anyone. Gosh, I'm sure somebody
52:29
listening knows someone. Or maybe has, you know, a child
52:34
going battling an illness, like to be able to get insight into
52:38
what it's really like and it's going to be really helpful for
52:41
people. And also just I think hearing
52:45
you and getting to know you in this hour, you are obviously
52:51
focused on the future and you're not sitting, you know, you have
52:55
your days, of course, like you're a human being and your
52:58
mother. But I think it's beautiful that
53:01
you have a real strength about you.
53:04
Like there's an energy and I can like there's no keeping you
53:09
down. You can tell that like you're,
53:11
you figure out seen a lot of a lot of adversity.
53:16
Yeah, yeah, I have. I have and look at you're still
53:19
here and you're helping people in both of your jobs, kids and
53:25
people recovering from grief like that.
53:28
I That is a life that I think you should be incredibly proud
53:33
of given everything you've gone through.
53:36
Yeah, yeah, it I am. And you know, people, sometimes
53:40
people say when I feel sad, I just think of your life and then
53:43
I can't feel sad anymore. Well, you know, you're like, you
53:49
have such a like you're writing the book and then helping
53:53
others. You've obviously learned through
53:57
life and decided that your life is not going to be defined by
54:01
like the losses and the heavy, which of course, they're always
54:06
with you. They're here with you.
54:09
Like your daughter said, she's loving that you're keeping your
54:15
head up and that you're like it coming out here and talking
54:18
about her and talking about, you know, the good memories.
54:22
And I hope, I hope both of them are, are looking down here and
54:29
just being like, that's my mom, that's my mom.
54:32
I'm pretty sure. Yeah, they're like, what's up,
54:36
mom? No, I just when I get the full
54:40
body chills, I'm like, OK, yeah, I think God be working in the
54:43
room, you know? Yeah, well, Adrian, I, I wanted
54:50
to 1st welcome you. I should have welcomed you from
54:52
the beginning to the adventures and adversity family.
54:55
It's like a family of guests that I honor and I'm so grateful
54:59
anyone, anytime anyone opens up and shares their story and a
55:04
beautiful tribute to your son and your daughter and your dad
55:08
and your grandpa and all the people that you have.
55:12
Hey had to say goodbye to. But our you know, there's
55:15
they're here, they're moving on through like your beautiful
55:18
attitude and thank you, appreciate you opening up and
55:23
and sharing your story. Well, thank you for having me
55:26
on. Yeah, well, guys, look in the
55:29
show notes, Adrian's book, her Instagram.
55:32
If you're going through grief, which I know we all are
55:35
different times, send her a message she can help you
55:38
through. And again, really honored to
55:41
have you and I know that this is going to help people out there.
55:46
Awesome. Thank you so much.
55:48
Thank you, Adrian. Take care.
55:49
Yeah, OK. Bye.