Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Symphony of Parenting: The Emotional Cost of Leaning on Your Children During Divorce

Transcript

Symphony of Parenting: The Emotional Cost of Leaning on Your Children During Divorce · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback podcast.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: You are listening to episode 76.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 76.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: This is the last episode in my series on parenting through divorce.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: You're either currently walking through divorce or dealing with the aftermath of divorce and parenting.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Divorce is a journey fraught with emotional turmoil and during this time, it's vital to protect the most vulnerable among us, which, of course, is our children.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: We'll explore why leaning on your kids for emotional support during a divorce is detrimental and why seeking professional counseling is essential.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: As we know, divorce is a seismic event shaking the foundations of our family life.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: It triggers a cascade of emotions grief, anger, confusion and fear and it's natural to seek comfort.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: However, the line between seeking support and burdening your children can become dangerously blurred.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: Today, we'll delve into why keeping that line clearly defined is imperative.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Let's just start with the hard truth Using your children as emotional confidants during a divorce is not only unfair, it's emotionally damaging.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Here are five key reasons why.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Number one there's a loss of childhood innocence.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Children need to be children.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: They need to believe in the stability of their world, even if that world is changing.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: When parents confide adult-level anxieties, financial worries or intimate details of the divorce, it robs them of this innocence.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: They become burdened with knowledge they're not equipped to handle, forcing them to grow up too quickly.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: This creates an emotional disturbance in them.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Number two emotional role reversal.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: When parents lean on their children for emotional support, the natural parent-child dynamic is flipped.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: The child now feels compelled to comfort and protect the parent, a role they are neither developmentally ready for nor responsible for.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: This role reversal can lead to anxiety, resentment and a feeling of being overwhelmed.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Imagine a child trying to console a parent who is crying about a betrayal.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: That child now carries this weight of that betrayal on their shoulders without the tools to process it.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I've seen this happen and the child suffers greatly.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: It I've seen this happen and the child suffers greatly.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Number three triangulation and loyalty conflicts.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: I actually spoke on this topic in last week's episode, so if you missed it, please go back to episode 75 and find the details there.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: But children caught in the middle of their parents' emotional battles often feel torn between loyalties.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: They may feel pressured to take sides or feel guilty for loving one parent more than the other.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: This triangulation creates immense emotional stress and can lead to long-term relationship issues.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Children should never be put in a position where they feel they have to choose between their parents.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: Number four there's an increased anxiety and depression.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Children who are privy to their parents' emotional distress are more likely to experience anxiety and depression.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: They may internalize their parents' problems, leading to feelings of insecurity, fear and hopelessness.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: They may also feel responsible for their parents' happiness, a burden no one, especially a child, should have to bear.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: And finally, number five long-term relationship damage.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Using children as emotional surrogates can damage the parent-child relationship.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: Children may come to resent their parents for burdening them with adult problems, leading to feelings of distrust and distance.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: This can affect their ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: This can affect their ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: It gets buried deep and, as an adult, it will wreak havoc on their relationships.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: It is a brutal sentence no child should bear.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Now let's turn our attention to a healthier alternative seeking professional counseling.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: As you know, I just continue to share this one bit of information because it is so important.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: I know it's costly, but the price of counseling is far cheaper than the cost of your child.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Divorce is a complex process and having a trained therapist makes a world of difference.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: But please don't be the one who says, oh, I don't have time, my schedule's too busy.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: You do, and there's no excuse to avoid it.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Here are three compelling reasons why it is so important to get therapy.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Three compelling reasons why it is so important to get therapy.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: Number one you get objective and unbiased support.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: A counselor provides a safe and neutral space to process your emotions.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: They offer an objective perspective, free from the biases and emotional entanglements that family and friends may have.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: This objectivity allows for a clear understanding of your situation.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: A therapist is not going to take sides.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: They are there for your emotional well-being.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Number two developing healthy coping strategies.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Divorce can trigger a range of difficult emotions.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: A therapist can teach you healthy coping strategies to manage these emotions, such as mindfulness, cognitive restructuring and stress reduction techniques.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: They can help you identify negative thought patterns and develop healthier ways of thinking and behaving.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: This is essential for navigating the emotional rollercoaster of divorce without causing additional harm to yourself or to your children.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: And finally, number three facilitating effective communication and co-parenting.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Facilitating effective communication and co-parenting A therapist can help you improve communication skills, particularly with your ex-spouse.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: This is crucial for co-parenting effectively and minimizing conflict.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: They can also help you navigate difficult conversations with your children, ensuring their emotional needs are met.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: A therapist can help you craft language that is appropriate for your children's age and emotional understanding.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: They can also help you to understand what is appropriate to share and what is not.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Because, trust me, when you're in the middle of that shock phase, you just fly off the handle with any words whatsoever.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: And we have to take into account our children.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: We can't just do that.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Divorce is undeniably painful, but it doesn't have to be devastating for you or your children.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Usually, it's their number one priority.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: It's damaging you, the other parent.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: But if you prioritize your children's emotional well-being and seeking professional support for yourself, you can navigate this challenging time with greater resilience and compassion.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Remember, your children need you to be their parent, not their confident.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Invest in your emotional health through therapy and you'll be better equipped to support your children through this transition.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Let me say this Divorce is not a sign of failure, but it is a transition.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: You cannot equate yourself to the divorce stigma.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: You are not a failure.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: You most likely did all you knew to do and it didn't work.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: But, like all transition, it requires guidance, support and a commitment to healing.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: It requires guidance, support and a commitment to healing.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: By choosing therapy over burdening your children, you're making a conscious decision to protect their innocence and foster their emotional well-being.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: You are doing the best.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: You know how.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: If you need further help to get off the bench, please go to the link in the notes and book a free call.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I would love to walk alongside you as we build a game plan for starting your compact, as you walk through the shock and the limbo and then finally trying to re-enter your life.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being here today.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: If you or someone you know is going through a divorce, please remember that help is available.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Seeking professional counseling is a sign of strength, not weakness.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: That's it for today.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: It's been great to hear from so many of you throughout this whole series on parenting.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Remember, if you know of someone going through a divorce, please share these episodes with them.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: And then I have one final favor to ask If you've ever gotten any value from this podcast.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Would you mind going and leaving a five-star review?
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: I would be so appreciative of you.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Thanks again for being here.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Join me next week as I share with you how to build a game plan for walking through the stages of transition.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Until next week.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Thank you.