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SMNTY Classics: Diary of a Queer Kid · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and SMITHA and welcome to stuff
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I Never told you Production by Heart Radio, and welcome
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: back to our continuing classics around Pride Month.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: This one is one.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Every now and then you come out with a title
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: name and you're just so proud of it even though
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: you shouldn't be.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: And this was one I loved, you know, I love
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: it coming up with title. Yes, yes, this was one.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: But it's just kind of like.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: My my experience realizing I was queer and then asexual.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: And I haven't been thinking.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: About this lately because I tell the story in there
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: about this guy I dated very briefly who's like you
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: were the most tragic figure. I cannot figure you out.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: And now I just wonder about that guy. I wonder
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: if he's come around, like as he changed his tune.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, if he's listened to any of your stuff.
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: Possibly possibly.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I feel like there's two extremes that could go. But
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I hope so, I hope so well, I do.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: I am like colliating my thoughts around that, so it
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: will it will be in an upcoming episode of some sort.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: But in the meantime, just enjoying that teaser and enjoy
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: this classic episode.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: Hey, this is Adie and Samantha.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I'm aw coome to stuff I've never told you, but
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: actually ir Radio, Samantha, did you keep a diary or
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: journal at all?
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: I did. We don't talked about this before. I kept
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: a diary for a very long time. I did more poems,
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: so I have a lot of poetry books more so
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: than diaries.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: I do have.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: And i'd laugh because but it was beautifully written. When
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: I was really religious and doing all of the traveling
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: and the mission work. And I say mission work, I
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: lived for a year out of children, some in Oklahoma,
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: working with them and living on campus with them, and
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: I got to beat a lot of sweet people, including
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: a lot of people from the indigenous community because they
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: were near tribes out that way. So I got to
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: meet a lot of amazing people. But I would keep
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: journals of that, and I also set out newsletters to
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: people it, which is super weird, and I got a
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: lot of responses about how I was an amazing writer,
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: So put that out there. I don't think I am.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: I think they love the flowery words that I would
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: mess with Bible verses, so I definitely did a lot
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: of that. I tried to do the single line one
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: line of day thing that did not work.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Out because you just gave up.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I lost it during to the pandemic, so I
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: haven't taken it outside the house. I just don't know
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: where it is in my house.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: That's I can relate to that.
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well what about you.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: Yes, I did keep a diary.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: As you know, it is a very popular story among
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: my friend group. I had a bad run of pets,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: so I had a lot of tragic pet deaths when
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: I was growing up. So every entry, I can laugh now,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: but every entry would start with like, well, Fluffy's gone.
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: Can you call them Katie? Just naming them what they were.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Well one of my rabbit Fluffy. And then I
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: had four Katies.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: And then I thought para keeps and I thought the
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: name Katie was cursed, so I named one Rebecca.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: But Rebecca also died very quickly.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: I had to know, did you name these after your friends?
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: And were they worried after the fact.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I don't recall naming them after my friends, but it
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: is Popslar that I did because I thought, uh, I
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: thought Katie was the coolest, and I thought, yeah, so possibly,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: and Rebecca was a good friend of mine too, so
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: maybe Unfortunately, and I believe I've shared this story on
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: the show before, I destroyed everything I wrote, whether that
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: was like books that I wrote or stories I wrote
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: from pretty much anytime during my primary education, so kindergarten
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: to high school.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: I got rid of all of them.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: And it makes me very sad because I do think
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: there would be some wonderfully embarrassing things that I could uncover, Yes,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: but also just I think that it could be telling
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: to look back on some of the entries and be like, oh,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: you didn't know you were struggling with this or just
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: this like p of who I was that I hadn't
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: accepted yet or didn't realize what quite what was going
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: on or what I was wrestling with because I did
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: keep I was pretty regular in and updating my journal
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: or diary whichever oh it was.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: It had a unicorn on the front. It had key.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: It was cool, it was so mine mine too.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: I didn't have a unicorn, but it definitely had the
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: keys all that. I also did a friends only file
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: thing that also.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: You told me, Well, see the thing is, I still
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: have the key, and it's so flimsy, like it would
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: have been so easy to get into that diary.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: If somebody wanted.
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: To just good paper clip, I think you could have
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: literally just cried it. Okay, but I thought it was
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: really cool, very key around my neck.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: It felt me, it did, it did.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: So I I wanted to ask this, and before we
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: get into the episode of very quick trigger warning, a
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: brief mention of sexual trauma and eating disorders.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Very brief, but just in case.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about this because I have been
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: discussing my experience being queer and kind of claiming that
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: identity and the journey I've gone through with it, and
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: all the questions and looking back and subscribing meaning to
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: things where I didn't understand at the.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: Time what was going on. But now that I look.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Back, I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, you just didn't realize
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: that you identified in this way.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: And I'm gonna go ahead and say.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: To you, if you're like me and you connect so
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: hard with fictional characters, or you were like I prefer
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: this or this or this, this is a very anti
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: citric episode. So if you don't like me, you can
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: click away. If you prefer Samantha this.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: That everybody wants to hear, keep going.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: Yes, okay, thank you.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: Well, several of you have sent me messages asking about
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: this journey and if I could ask me if I
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: would share it with you, and I'm always happy to share.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: And I thought that I would just say it on
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: podcasts since it is Pride months. This is the kind
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: of edited message I sent to our dear listener and
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: friend Jamie, who asked me about about my journey, was
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: so supportive and also open in her own So this
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: is a message that I sent to her, and I
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: thought I would just share it with everybody.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: So it feels like reading a diary entry. Though.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's a little weird, but bear with me.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I can't remember a time ever wanting to have sex,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: and I never once had sex that I wanted to have.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: In high school, I pretended I did want to have
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: sex to fit in. I thought that eventually it would
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: kick in, that maybe I was just like a late bloomer,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: as they say. I also thought maybe I was just
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: a prude because I was very religious at a time.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: I won't too, so I thought maybe I had just
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: soaked up these messages and I didn't realize it. And
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: even though I think of myself as a very liberal person.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: I had been raised in a pretty conservative environment. Maybe
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I just absorbed all that. This was all complicated by
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: the fact that there were all these rumors that I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: was a slut flying around. So people assumed I wanted
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: to have a lot of sex and that I had
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: had a lot of sex, and that was in part.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say my.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Fault, but I again, I would make these sexual jokes
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: because I wanted to fit in, and I was kind
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: of over compensating because I really didn't want to have sex,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: so I went over the top implying that I did.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: I did the same thing. Yeah, except I'm not an ace,
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: But yes, I did the same thing as a kid.
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: I was trying to be cool. So I was a kid.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: I knew all about sex, which was funny as I
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: didn't know anything about sex.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I had to look up what sex was in
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: an encyclopedia.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: And trust me that it is not how you want
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: to learn what it is.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: I don't know. I asked my mom what a blowjob was,
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: and that was really comfortable.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sure it was positive that it was.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: And yes, sometimes I did, and I still do, feel
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: an intense attraction to people, very rarely physical attraction. Usually
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: if that happens, then it happens after the emotional attraction,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: but not sexual And like, sometimes I do like kissing
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: and cuddling, but I'm too afraid to do it because
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to escalate. And like I
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: said in a recent happy hour, I'm afraid I won't
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: stand up for myself or say I don't want this
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: because I'm so used to pleasing other people, but also
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: doubting what I my own self and knowing what I
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: actually do want, I will question that too, like maybe
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: you do want this, I like, I don't think so,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: and then that just.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: Becomes this loop that is not helpful.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: When I got to college, I tried really hard to
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: convince myself I wanted to have sex or that I
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: just had to get over it and have sex with
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: people until I liked it. And this is when I
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: started dating men and women. But I always felt safer
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: with women because of my past with sexual abuse and trauma.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: I thought maybe one day something.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Would click, which sounds so silly now that I've been
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: doing years of therapy, like that one day it would
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: just be fine. I did a lot of things I
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: didn't want to do because of this, and that makes
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: me really sad and agree that.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: That's one of the things that sticks with me.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: I also was state raped in college, so I had
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: a new like I had a new trauma on top
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: of all this old trauma. So I thought, maybe that's
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: why I didn't want to have sex. And yeah, my
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: trauma goes back to like some of my first memories.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: So I was like, this has just been with me
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: this whole time, so how can I know for sure?
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: And I also realized that the eating disorder I had
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: messes with sex drive, so I thought it could be that.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Basically all of these doubts and questions. Then I started
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: as an intern on this very show back in twenty eleven.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I had just graduated college, and we did an episode
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: on being ace and being a romantic and I remember thinking,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: huh uh, that's the first I've heard about this other
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: than sort of yeah, joking misrepresentation of it, Like I
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: have more than one memory of being laughed at or
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: hearing someone else get laughed at when they would talk
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: about it. And I told my then boyfriend about it,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: and he said it made him sad because he thought
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: people who identified that way were clearly damaged and we
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: broke up soon after that. Okay, yeah, and I kept
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: thinking about it, but I was really torn about the intersection, yeah,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: of this sexual trauma and eating disorders and being ace and.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: Where that left me. Also at the time, that was
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: when there was all this like.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know if science is the right word, but
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: people were like, you know, maybe we can just boost
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: women's sex drive, as if women just in general don't
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: have a high enough sex drive, instead of maybe asking
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: other questions. And because my dad was at that time
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: he wanted to have grandkids, I wanted that for him.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: At the time, of my siblings, I was the one
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: that had the best shot. And because our society does
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: tell us that success equal stable relationship and or kids,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: and your value as a woman is desirability, I tried
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: so hard, so hard to make relationship work, and I
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: felt incredibly guilty that I never wanted sex, and I
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: reached the point I really couldn't even have sex without
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: having a massive panic attack, like it almost never happened
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: because it would like come time and I would freak out.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: And when my last boyfriend and I broke up, he said, like,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: I can feel myself beginning to resent you. And one
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: of the things about that is I was resenting myself too,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: because I knew. I knew that that was a piece
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: that was missing and that I was We didn't communicate
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: about it openly, and that was on both of us.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: But I was just internalizing all of this stuff and
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: thinking of how he sees.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Me and avoiding the topic at all costs, which isn't healthy.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: And yeah, we thought, both of us thought that eventually
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: i'd get there again, that it might just go away,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: that maybe I would want to have sex one day.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: And yeah, now I've come to realize that that was
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: not the case, and that I shouldn't have tried to
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: force it. I don't really blame either of us because
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: we were younger and I didn't know. I do think
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: we both could have communicated way better, but I don't
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: That's just where we were in that time. But yeah,
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: sex is not something I want or really think about,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: even though I do sometimes wish it was, and sometimes
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: I still want other aspects of a physical relationship. Mostly
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I just want a companion that I can kiss and
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: cuddle and occasionally feel up. But my trust issues are
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: so severe it's going to take a long time before
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: I reach that point. If I ever ever reach that point,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I like to believe being in a healthy relationship as
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: an asexual person exists, and I will put in here Jamie,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: who I was corresponding with with this, she is a
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: good example of that. She has found that and I
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: know that it does exist. So this is also a
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: couple of years old when I wrote this. It's interesting
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: to see how I've changed even from this. But yeah,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I've felt like something's wrong with me my entire life,
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: and I've done so much that I wished I hadn't
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: to fit in. So knowing that there are others out
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: there like me, it's hugely validating. And to this day
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: it blows my mind that I was willing to get
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: married and have kids with someone I wasn't in love
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: with to please my dad, and that even to this day,
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: I'm both scared bi sexual attraction and feel like I
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: need it to prove my worth and that sends me
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: on a very dark cycle. And at this the time
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: I was writing this, I had recently had a friend
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: of my family's say she was married to someone who
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: didn't want to have sex and how sad that made
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: her and how that something had to be wrong with
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: him and that's why they broke up. And that cultural
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: association between love and sex has been one that I
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: have been struggling with. I've been talking about it on
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: this fe show, just because that's how it's commonly depicted,
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: and that's that makes me feel like a failure, like
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: I owe someone something or else I'm just a tease
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: or it's not love, and I know that's not true.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: I know it's not true.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: And you can't have healthy relationships without sex, and even
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: romantic relationships without sex. It's just been it's a lot
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: of stuff I have to unlearn, right.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: And you're not the only one. Just even without identifying
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: as aces, it's still a complication in trying to understand
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: the implications of sex and what that means in it.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: It has become such a oh, it's a holdover, especially
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: for young girls and just people in general who feel
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: vulnerable when it comes to what that means, and oftentimes
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: the misconceptions that usually benefit men yeah and harm women
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: in general. And then again, our value is still undermined
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: by what someone else's attraction to them. It's just such
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: a gross aspect in general, and it has led into
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: a whole societal failing. Yeah, but we're not going to
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: get into all that. But yeah, I know, I'm very
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: proud of who you are, and I think you have
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: done a phenomenal job of being an example for others
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: and the honesty that comes out is just as much
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: of working progress for everyone else who trying to learn
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: anything about themselves in general, it has been beautiful.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: Well, I am proud of who you are to submit that. Yeah, yeah,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: And like I said in that happy hour, we did something.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I'm still learning and I still have questions and I
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: you listeners have just.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: Been so helpful for all of this.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: And when I hear from someone who's like, oh, you've
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: helped me, hearing your story helped me, that is That's
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: what this is all about. That is so amazing and
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy that we can connect on that way
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: and find community in that way. So that being said,
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to my story. We
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: always really appreciate hearing from you. If you would like
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: to contact as you can or email is Stuff Media Mom
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Instagram at stuff I've Never Told You or on Twitter
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: at mom Stuff podcast.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: Thanks as always to our super producer Christina.
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: We're always proud of you too, Yes Yes.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: And thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: yousproduction of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio is the
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  Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: favorite shows.