Latest / Drawn of History / Nikki Glaser _ This Past Weekend w_ Theo Von _502(M4A_128K)

Transcript

Nikki Glaser _ This Past Weekend w_ Theo Von _502(M4A_128K) · Drawn of History

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I have some new tour dates to tell you about.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: We've added a third show in London on June 16th
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: at the Eventim Apollo. Tickets go on sale Tuesday, May
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: 14th at 10 a.m. local time. We also have shows
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: in New York City on May 31. Belfast in the
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: UK on June 6th. That's an added show. June 7th
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: is sold out. Idaho Falls, we've added a show on
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: June 27th. Salt Lake City, Utah on June 30th, and
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Las Vegas, Nevada on July 5th and 6th at Resorts
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: World Las Vegas. Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: And if tickets are too expensive, just wait. We'll come
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: back around. Make sure you buy them through our link
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and not off of a secondary site. Thank you guys
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: so much for your support. Today's guest is a comedian.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: She's my friend. She's one of the roasters from the
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: recent Tom Brady roast on Netflix. She's one of the
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: best roasters of all time. She has a new special
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: out on HBO called Someday You'll Die. Today's guest is
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Nikki Glaser.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: Shout.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I'll sit and tell you my story.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Shine on me.
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: And I will find a song.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I've been singing.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm going to get a sip of this coffee.
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: So I'm thinking I'm going to talk to a woman.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: It's different.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Really? All good. Yeah, dude, talking to a dang woman?
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Are you kidding me?
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: Really?
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's the biggest fear inside of a man, I think,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: is talking to a woman. Some people, they... Men will... Yeah, men,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: they can't... Yeah, people sometimes can't talk to a woman.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel that way. I have a nervousness around men, like,
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: that I think... fell away when I started doing comedy
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: because I just felt like, oh, I'm one of the
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: boys now. Men don't treat me differently. They don't see
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: me sexually, even though sometimes I do want to be
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: seen that way. But I don't think about it much anymore.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I used to feel that way all the time.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: But now I feel like I relate to men sometimes
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: more than women and enjoy having conversations because I feel
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: like I pull out a feminine energy from men that
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: they don't get to express a lot. I like I
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: like when the guy I'm dating has women friends because
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: he gets to, like, release some emotion that doesn't have
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: to come out on me. I don't have to be
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: the only place for that. Because he doesn't feel safe
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: doing it to me because it's not sexy.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: But he can do it with his girlfriends that there's
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: no sexual vibe so he can get– because women are asking, like,
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: how are you?
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: And if it's a big lesbian friend, too, you could
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: cry on a lesbian.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely. I mean, they– I can't because it gets sexual.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: But a man can cry on a lesbian. They get
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: a little too comforting to me when I cry.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: There should be like a place like in nature or on,
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to say like street corners or whatever,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: but where there is a devout lesbian who is, you know,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: who is totally has gone through whatever the steps are
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: to be a lesbian and is, and is there to
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: take the journey off of a man to, to just
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: shoulder some of the burden, you know, because a lot
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: of men, Didn't get either one of their parents because
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: one of their parents was gone because of divorce. And
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: then the other parent, because of that, had to work.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: So a lesbian, a tough lesbian, too. Not one of
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: these little Las Vegas nightly rental lesbians. I'm talking about
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: a real fucking oatmeal-eating lesbian.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: Do you ever feel, though, that lesbians have no use
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: for you because you're a man?
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: They're just like, get the fuck out of here. I
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: don't need to deal with this shit.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we are the ugly women to lesbians. That's what
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: a man is. You're the ugly... How does an ugly
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: woman feel?
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Because the lesbians aren't going after her either. So that's...
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: An ugly woman is an ugly woman to everyone.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Oh, damn.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: Shit. Fuck. That's why it's so important to stay, like, hot.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: You feel like no one wants you.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Really? You think that?
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think it's... Yeah. Is an ugly man acceptable
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: to anyone? I think there are certain, like, gay guys
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: that are into.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I'm joking, dude. These days, first of all, everybody looks
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: pretty good these days. Can we say that?
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Well, if you have money, there's no reason you better
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: look good.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: It's expected. But even the government is like buying people
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: teeth and phones, phone cards. It's like I feel like
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: everybody kind of almost looks the same now.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Everybody's about like an eight. And then you have some
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: people that are, I don't know. There's definitely some people
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: that are tens, but everybody's kind of like an eight
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: or seven.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: But the tens were like born tens and you can't
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: like buy, you can buy a nine.
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: You can't buy a 10. Like when that's just like,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: you see a model and they're just like an alien.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Like they, they're very rare though. They're probably more rare
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: than psychopaths or something, you know what I mean? Percentage wise.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Only God makes tens, huh? Yeah.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: That's a good, yeah. A doctor can't, They try. They
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: can get, like, 9.2. Yeah, they can get, like— You
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: can— a good one, but even— it' s hard to find a doctor
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: that can do that kind of work.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: No, it's Dr. God.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Dr. God, baby. God luck. Yeah.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: But, yeah, there's no, like— you can just— that' s the pressure, though, is, like,
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Sometimes when I feel like, oh, you don't look as
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: good as you could look. Like I always want to
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: reach my potential, right?
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: Ooh, now that's a good point.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Now my potential with enough money is 9.2. Like I
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: just said, I can find a person to make me
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: a 9.2. And I'm not a 9.2, but there is surgery.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: There's a right person out there that can transform my
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: face and my body into exactly, that's as high as
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I could get. And I'm not reaching it. And so
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: I just go, I'm failing in some way. And my
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: friends who don't have money go, I'm just the way
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: I am because I can't afford to do that. But
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: I could maybe afford to do that. So I feel
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: like I need to do that.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: You're going to risk it?
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, I do stuff already. I get like
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: injections and stuff here and there. And I'm not like
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: I don't do it a lot. But every couple of
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: years I get insecure enough that I'm like, let's just
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: see what we're going to do. And I like the
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: risk of it. It's like getting a tattoo. It's like
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: it can be bad. A haircut like I can get
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: it dissolved or what. I could turn it back around.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: But it is.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: When women have face work or men and it kind
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: of gets fucked up, I sometimes go, good for you.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: You took a fucking chance.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: That's a good point, huh? Yeah, you're a risk taker.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: You are... The ultimate. Yeah, you're somebody that reached in
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: the draft. You are Sean Payton of the Denver Broncos
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: in reconstructive surgery realm. Yeah. Yeah, because you definitely see... Well,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: sometimes I'll kiss a woman and her lip tastes like
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: a part of... Like it's like a.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it tastes like something you would throw to a
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: dog to catch, kind of. Like, it just feels.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: Like a chew toy.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: A chewy thing, yes. So it doesn't feel like you're
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: kissing him anymore, or it just feels like you just
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: want to.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: Oh, you can feel filler, for sure. I don't have
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: it in my lips, but I got it just, like,
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: recently down here, which, for some reason, makes this go up. Like,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: it's all, like... I don't even know how it works,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: but I don't like all the... Like, I got some
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: here I've never gotten in before, but I can feel it. Like,
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: whenever I'm, like, you know, going like this, like, hmm,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, God, because I don't feel weird pressing
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: on it.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: It's not a good feeling.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: I get some on the.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I'd get some like on the back of my legs,
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: bottom of my butt, maybe just to make me a
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: little taller like when I'm in a seat or whatever.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: It would. That is a way to get taller. Sitting only.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're sitting down a lot. Nobody thinks about that.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: Holy shit, of course you would.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Sitting tall. You're like, yeah, I'm not that tall when
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I'm standing up, but when I'm sitting, I'm a little
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: taller than you'd expect.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, are you good on your posture? Like are
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: you working on that?
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Fuck no, dude. Yeah, I was working on it, dude,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: until I quit working on it.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I mean like when you're conscious of it, when I
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: sit the way I'm supposed to with my shoulder blades down.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: my neck extended, and my back, like, this is a
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: good look. I know this is gonna look better than
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: what I really wanna do, which is this. Armadillo.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: But this feels like I'm gonna meet some dude who's
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: gonna try to meet me, I feel like, all the time.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: There's a guy.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: You're waiting for a grinder date.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Or you're waiting, yeah, you're hoping they pick you to
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: go on the Mayflower or something. Like, it has a very, yeah,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: if your.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Posture is- Alert, ready.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Pick me.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, pick me.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: That's what it feels like, pick me. Yeah.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah. But for a girl, in a way, she can
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: sit in a way that is just, like, I have confidence. Like,
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: there's a way to sit that's, like, exudes sexuality for sure.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah. Oh, definitely. For a woman?
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, to, like, just, like, I don't even know how
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: to contort my body in that way. But I know
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: that when I am trying to look sexy, my back
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: hurts afterwards.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: Because I've been holding this arch back. It's not healthy. Like,
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: it's not good. But some girls just walk around naturally
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: like that. Oh, yeah.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: People from Toronto have the best posture. I don't know
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: if you've been there or not. Have you been there?
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: No.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: And it kind of checks out in my memory.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Oh, they're like.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Wait, why? Maybe they're school desks? Because that's what breaks us.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: It could be like the, I don't know how gravity
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: is up there or something, but it's definitely there's a,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: they are very, you know, they look very on purpose.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: They look very on purpose. Okay. A lot of people
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: like wander around like, oh, look at this fucking accident. Yes. Toronto. Toronto. Yeah, yeah.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: But it's not an intimidating on purpose. Like Toronto, they're
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: like– I always say it wrong. Toronto, not Toronto.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: I think you can call it whatever you want. They're
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: just happy you came to visit.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: They really are.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: And they should be. It's a bitch getting there.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Well, and it's like a lot of people didn't even
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: think Canada was real for a long time. Like we
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: had to discover it like seven times. times before people
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: were like, yes. Okay. We'll admit it. That you're real.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: Is that the history of that? I don't really know how.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: Oh, 100%, dude. Canada, dude? Yeah, a lot of people
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: are like, I don't know, man. Yeah. Yeah, we'll see
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: about it. That's what you see a lot of times.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Every time I go there, don't you feel like you're,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: they are like Air Canada, you fly there, they're mad
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: at you when you're flying them? I don't like that.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: I just don't like flying Air Canada. And then when
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: I get there, the customs feel so aggressive that I'm
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: just like.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: They don't like us.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: Are you happy I'm here? No, they're not. Yeah.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: That's the real truth. I think you're right. I think
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: once you get in.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Though, the people love you. People are always like, why
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: don't you come? And I'm like, it's your border control.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Makes me feel like a criminal and makes me feel like,
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: why are you here?
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Well, we kind of have become that. I mean, America
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: is a criminal state obsessed with capitalism that has sacrificed
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: everything that was good. Yeah. To make a couple bucks.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: So I get why they're tapping us on the shoulder
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: a little extra over there. On the way in.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: I get it. They don't want that energy. They don't
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: need that. They don't want that semen in their country.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: They're not looking to be famous and cool. Like, they
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: don't have that sad desire. And sad is, you know,
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: just a word I use for that. But it's like.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah. We have some kind of desperation here, it feels like. Yeah.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Does that make any sense or no?
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: Totally. I, I, I'm fighting it all the time because I'm, I,
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: I'm a part of it and I feed into it
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: and it gets me, but I also am so disgusted
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: by it when I, I can't like go shopping because
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: of consumerism really stresses me out and thinking about all
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: of these. When I go shopping, I just like look
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: at all the racks of clothes and I'm like, this
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: is all going to be in a landfill. This is
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: all going to be in the ocean. Like that, it
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: grosses me out, but I'm also buying that stuff. They're
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: just shipping it to me so I don't have to
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: see it in mass amounts and think about that. But
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: So I'm on both sides of it. But yeah, it's
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: a bitch.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: It's interesting. Well, the question everybody wants to know is,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: how's that vagina doing, huh?
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: It's pretty good.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: That's what's up.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what's up. It's like, right now, it's like
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: a good day. Do you have good and bad days
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: down there?
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Good wiener days?
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: Like where you're just like, I wouldn't mind if someone
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: saw it. Like it's looking, I think vaginas have more
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: going on that can be either... just there's more pieces
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: to have in place that some days you're just like,
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: this is great. And it's probably the days that you should,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: that you're like ovulating or whatever.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's that party nostril, homie. That's what it is, dog.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? The deepest dimple, baby. Let's
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: get it. You know what I'm saying? It's definitely, it's
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: like the 30th wonder of the world, I guess. It
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: used to be like the number one wonder of the world.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: It was like there. It was like Guantanamo Bay. What's the,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: like Gary Busey and then like the Leaning Tower of
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: Pizza or whatever. Yeah. And then like, but it's definitely lost,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: I think. It kind of went down with crypto, I
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: feel like. The vagina did some.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: It does feel like people aren't as interested in hearing
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: about it and talking about it and like getting p
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: * * * y. It moved to ass. Is that
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: what people are interested in or is it just like.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Or that ass pussy. That's what a lot of gay
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: dudes would be like. Let me get that ass pussy.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: I like that. Why not?
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I don't like it. I don't like hearing it.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: You don't like it.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. At the mall or whatever when I'm like.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: At an Aeropostale or that popcorn shop that they have always.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: That's when the mall's going out of business. If you
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: have more than one popcorn shop and you're not in Minnesota,
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: your mall is giving down. But, yeah, that's what a
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: lot of gay dudes are hunting for.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: That ass pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's all they've got.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but there's a lot of, like— Because gay dudes
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: would be like, God made me gay, right, or whatever.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I'm not gay by choice. But the second they buy
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: you one drink, they're trying to get you to choose
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: to be gay.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: That's interesting.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Bro, this is crazy.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, because they see how you can make that.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: They probably are buying into this fluidity thing of like
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: they probably as in high school hooked up with girls
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: and were like, I know how to hook up with
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: someone I'm not attracted to and convince myself to be
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: into it. You do that now with me. You know,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: because they have to do that. Like, you know, not
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: maybe kids now, but in some states, yes. But like
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: when I was growing up, there weren't kids in my
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: graduating class that were gay. No one was gay.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: That were like, yeah. Everybody called everybody gay, but nobody
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: was definitely gay.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: No one was out, but we knew who was. But
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: they had to hook up with... I mean, into their
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: 20s and 30s, sometimes they're hooking up with girls. Can
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: you imagine having to hook up with someone you're just
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: so not into? I mean, yes, I can. I've done
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: it before. But it's alcohol would probably make it so
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: I could do it.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or marriage. I think a lot of people get
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: married or whatever. And then they're like, damn, this dude's
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: gay or whatever. And then they're stuck with a gay husband.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: But I think a lot of women... Because of things
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: like Watch What Happens Live, they love having a gay husband.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: It's almost cooler than having a straight husband and whatever
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: he's doing. They'd rather have this crazy gay husband. And
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: then they just write crazy boy on their butt or
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: whatever before sex or whatever.
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: No, I don't think they ever. I think they just.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Do you think they know he's gay and they just
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: have a tacit agreement that we're going to do kind of.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: going to indulge in some of these things, but never
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: call it out that you're gay. Like, I feel like
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: you're right about like having a being married to a
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: gay man would be fun because there's a feminine energy
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: to him that would be like almost like having a girlfriend.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: a woman is a gay husband.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: But at least your Pomeranian could go down on you.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: And enjoy it. That's true.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: You know, and have a good time.
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: That is the irony of putting peanut butter on your
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: genitals or whatever, like, and having a dog lick it off.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: It's disgusting and absolutely illegal and should be, but the
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: dog would like it. No, like, they already like crotches
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: and then plus peanut butter. It would, I mean, there's
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: no denying that that party would enjoy it and wouldn't
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: be like, I don't want to do this. I mean,
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: unless they're being forced, but if it's on their own licking.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true. We're really not helping each other get
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: what we want.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: With these bestiality laws we have. Yeah.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: It's just like.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: No, I know.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: As soon as animals can vote, dude, we're going to
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: learn a lot. Or as soon as they can do
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: the alphabet or whatever. They just had a dog or
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: whatever that can... With their tongue? No, he can open
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: up a pack of cigarettes. So can you look that up?
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: I want to say it was an Australian shepherd.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: That sounds right.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: You need to take him to a vet ASAP.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: Well.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: If he's opening up a pack of cigarettes.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: That's crazy. This is how insane America is. It says
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: if your dog ate a cigarette, you need to take
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: him to the vet ASAP. However, Americans can smoke them
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: as much as we want. Actually, it says if your
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: dog opened up a pack of cigarettes, you need to
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: take him to the vet ASAP. Tobacco and the filters
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: from cigarettes can be toxic. However, it doesn't say this part,
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: but It low-key does. If you are human, feel free
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: to smoke your fucking life away. I mean– And get cancer.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: No one– it's crazy that people still smoke. I mean,
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: I vape sometimes.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I vape sometimes, man.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: I was vaping earlier probably. And it's like we know
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: it's bad, but what the– like.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: We know it's bad, but it's– YOLO? Yeah, I guess.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: It's like– I don't know.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: If it's not ruining my life yet.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: I can't– yeah.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Let me do it.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's always going to be something, I think. And
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: we're imperfect creatures. It's so hard to not have anything.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: But yeah, how's that vagina doing, girl?
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: I think it's pretty good. I really haven't checked in on,
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: I haven't like done anything with it in so long.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: I've just been wiping it after I pee. That's like my,
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: and washing it in the shower. I haven't, I haven't
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: like had sex or had an orgasm in a really
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: long time.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: No.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah. That's why I was like, when you asked that,
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: I was really like, how is it? Because I haven't
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: done anything with it. I've just been too busy.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah. Yeah. If you got busy cooter going on,
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: it is.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: So it's good. I think it's really good right now
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: because it's been not like neglected in that way. Like
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: you feel like you get things back and you're like, Oh.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: You build up some chi.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: Really?
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Probably. And I do Pilates. I'm doing a lot of
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: like pelvic floor work. So I'm probably, it's probably pretty good.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I love that for everybody.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: And, um, and also, yeah, my back pussy, my butt
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: pussy though. I don't know. I want to talk about that.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: We can't talk about that. This is a Christian show. Um,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: What about, like, because I do notice, let's say I'm
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: a man, right? And so if I masturbate, like, the
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: next day, I do feel a little bit, like, weaker
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: or a little bit less organized. Huh. You know? Yeah.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I feel sometimes I'll be a little, like, I'm not 100%. Yeah.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: I've heard that. I haven't, I don't do it enough to, like,
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: track it. I do know that I can get, like,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: compulsive about masturbating if I'm, like, if I'm in a
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: compulsive mood and I'm, like, I'll smoke weed. Okay, I
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: got high, and that was good for five minutes. I'll
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: pick up the guitar. Oh, I played one song. Okay,
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: now I'll eat a bunch of food, and then I'll
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: do that, and I'm like, I need more dopamine. Okay,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: I'll masturbate. After that, I'm like, okay, I'll go smoke
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: weed again, and then I get back to masturbation. Not
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: time yet. Not ready to go. I'll eat more. That's
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: when I can be.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: It sounds like a new diet, I feel like, like
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: a Nashville diet. That's what I feel like that sounds like, dude.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: It's horrible. I hate when I get into those spirals
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: of just like just chasing it until you fall asleep.
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're just like waiting for sleep to come. But yeah,
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: that's when I can be too much about it. And
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: that's when I can track like, oh, yeah, my mood.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: It's just I'm trying to get dopamine up. But I
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: don't really feel like a dullness. afterwards or I don't
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm harnessing anything by not coming or something.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: I haven't– I'm sure there's some truth to that, but
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I haven't felt it.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Does a woman feel less complete the day after an
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: orgasm or like something like that?
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Possibly, but I wouldn't know. I'm not like someone who's
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: like– I haven't tracked it. I haven't like– Really?
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: You just haven't noticed in your life?
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: You know, I can be really constipated and not know it.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: I can be like, why do I feel sick and
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: none of my clothes fit? And then I'll like, and
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: then I'll go to the bathroom. I'll be like, oh
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: my God, I haven't pooped for like a week. I
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: just don't notice my body. I'm not in tune with
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: my body.
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: So I don't like my, when my friends are like,
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: I feel sick. I think it's that thing I ate.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: I would never be able to trace things. I'm not
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: paying attention to what makes me feel good. I'm trying
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: to do that more now and do like somatic therapy
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: and like, you seem really angry. Where's that coming from?
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And I, I literally never have any answer from my
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: therapist about like, I don't feel things on my body.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: Like numb. And it would seem to be that I
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: was molested or something, but I can't remember anything like
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: that happening either. So it's kind of a disassociation. Yeah, exactly.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: If it happened, I'm glad I didn't remember it. But
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: something keeps me from being in tune.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Molested or forgetful. That could be a new. That's insane.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: And that's unfortunate to say, dude.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: No, but there, you know, it's.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: It's not.
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: Nobody.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Don't justify that.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't justify what? Of say that because people are
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: molested or but if you're molested you forgot your molestation
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: you still trauma from it because things happen to us
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: as a baby that we don't understand that we carry
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: on to but what what a gift it would be
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: to not remember it and just have it be then
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: you just keep blaming your parents forever not knowing that
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: it was some kind of babysitter you had or something
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: that really did.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: It and they used to um I was gonna talk
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: about lobotomies but yeah can you believe that they did
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: lobotomies yeah I can It's really unbelievable. Bring up some
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: of the lobotomy information, please. A lobotomy is a type
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: of brain surgery that involves severing the connection between the
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: frontal lobe and the other parts of the brain. Yeah.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: And lobotomies became popular in the 1930s as a treatment
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: for certain mental health conditions.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: There are times when I feel so mentally unwell that
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: I would be like, if it went on a really
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: long time, me feeling that bad, I'd be like, please.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Please take it out.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, please cut the connection that is making this happen.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: You would want just an out. It would be like
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: a suicide without having to die.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh, wow. But then you're still just milling around like, God.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: But I wouldn't know.
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: Huh?
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't know.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: You're just bothering people, though.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: Oh, I would hate it.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: You're just taking up traffic. You're just walking up. People
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: ask you. You're just like a... eternal trick-or-treater. You're just
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: bothering people.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess I would never do a voluntary one,
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: but if someone was like, she must be, I'd be like, oh, okay.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: You know, like, kind of like, it's not my fault
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: that I'm going to be that.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: They did this to me. But yeah, there's times where
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: it's like, I can see why they would want to
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: clip that cord.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: In addition to people who meet current definitions for mental
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: illness practitioners, also perform lobotomies on people with intellectual disabilities
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: who were gay. Wow. Who were in prison for crimes
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: which some blamed on criminal insanity. Oh, A 2018 study
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: also states that most lobotomized people were women.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's just like bad PMS. They're like clipper.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like, hey, look. And what about who's the group
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: that came over to this side? That must have been
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: a crazy dinner, huh? Because the woman had to cook
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: it and also sit there and defend herself.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God. I hope they let her clean up
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: before they took her away because who's going to do that?
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God. Often the reasons doctors gave for this
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: was they needed to maintain order in the hospital. You're right.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Other reasons included a lack of interest in child care
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: and strange behavior.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: What does that mean? What do you mean a lack
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: of interest in? Other reasons include a lack of interest. Oh,
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: I guess they did it to women who probably had
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: postpartum and were just like, I don't really want this baby.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: Which most women were just getting raped by their husbands
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: back then and making to have a baby every fucking
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: chance that they could. Why would you want that kid?
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Well, we wouldn't have mad men, first of all, if
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: some of that didn't happen. Jon Hamm wouldn't have a
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: career if that didn't happen.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't be here if that didn't happen to my grandma.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: But the fact that he doesn't donate a million dollars
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: a year, okay, to Secretaries of America with Children is un-fucking-real.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: What lobotomies do to people. Proponents of lobotomies thought that
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: the procedure could address the root cause of mental health
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: symptoms by cutting off the part of the brain they
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: believe was responsible for them. Wow. So it really was
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: just so prehistorical. Let's just go in there and cut
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: the cable, you know?
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: And you don't get, so you have apathy, you have distractibility,
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: so you get a little ADD.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Right, they reduce the functionality of frontal lobe resulting in, okay,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: go on.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so lack of initiative, so lack of restraint. Okay,
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: so lack of restraint is not a good thing. That's
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: probably a thing that they go, well, we don't like that. Like,
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: we want to control them. Euphoria, so they reduce the functionality. Oh, okay,
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: so they reduce the functionality of the euphoria. So they
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: get euphoria.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: And it resulted in, yeah, euphoria, feeling of intense happiness.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: That sounds good. Significant changes in personality. Okay.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: Because I think a lot of those things are things
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: that come from... The back of your head. It's like
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: from your limbic system.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: Based on those symptoms, I'm pretty sure I've had a lobotomy.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: It's like jack, jack, jack, jack. God, dude.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: That's interesting. Yeah.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: I'd do it back in the day. I would have
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: been up for it.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: If you could come back again, if you get to
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: run it back, right?
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Whitney Glazer. Sorry. Nikki Glaser.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: You fucking did that on purpose. I did not do
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: that on purpose. Yes, you did.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: I would never do that on purpose.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: Really?
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: That's funny.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: My brain is so bad. Really?
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: I love it. I love being, you know.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Misgendered or whatever? Whitney? Yeah.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: Or being thought, well, she's the same gender as me.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: I was thinking, you're talking, you're thinking Whitney Cummings.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: Oh, dang, I wonder if my brain was thinking that.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Really? When you think Whitney, who do you think? Definitely
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: not Houston.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: I think it's Houston. To be honest with you, no offense.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: Very funny. Whitney has some fucking.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: Bangers on her. I've seen them. Have you seen them?
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Some pool toys, dude.
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're nice.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Dude, the lifeguard can take the day off. You feel me?
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: He's got those unsinkable battleships, bro.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: Whitney's on duty, yes.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she's got those U-boats, dude. If I were that baby,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: I would never grow past two months.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Those are insane. You're right. And they're probably even, they
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: get so good when women are pregnant.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: Do they?
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: My friends who have, like, tiny tits are just, like, giant, firm, full, nice, like,
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: color of nipples. Like, they get a little darker. Like,
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: it's just their tits look amazing.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: God.
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: And that's the one thing that they, yeah, wish to keep.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: That's what I need, that freaking, that birthing tit.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: God, it's just something everybody wants.
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Just to see those things and before the baby gets
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: to them. Yeah.
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: Know if it's what everybody wants but yeah i enjoy
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: a pair of like whitney's you just can't deny they're
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: amazing and when i saw them i was like i
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: i want to like i want to feel what that's
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: like yeah i don't know.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: If i felt them though i want to know what
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: love is remember that song oh.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah i want you to know.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Me yeah something i think you had it right yeah
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: um yeah if you got if you got to be
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: reincarnated based on a lot of what you've done so
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: you've been A women's lib activist, right?
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: Shut up.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: Whatever. A women's lib activist? I'm just a woman.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Or whatever it's called. You mean being a.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: Woman and just wanting, like, speaking freely as one? I
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: don't know that I'm... What comes to mind when you
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: think of me like that?
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: No, I think you haven't been like a... Like a.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: You know, like, you know, like, yeah, like, you know,
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: you know, you know, charm a vulva or whatever. Some
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: of those women are doing for Africa or whatever. But
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I think, yeah, you're like a you're like a proud female. Yeah.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: So, you know, up speak someone who speaks up for women.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, I think so.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: So maybe it might have been the best term. I
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: didn't mean it like you. I didn't mean it like
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: a negative thing.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: No, I'm not like a man. I hope people don't
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: personify me as like a man hating that feminist. I
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: actually like men a lot. And I empathize even the
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: things that I'm like, why do men not have to
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: do this? And we have to do this. And I'm
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: like mad about the disparity. It's like I'm not mad
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: at men about it. It's just the gender roles. It's
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: not like your fault at all. That like men's fault
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: that this is the way it is or there are
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: many ways in which women are shittier or have it
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: better than men do. And it's like not our we
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: don't need to be villainized for it. It's just kind
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: of the roles we fall into.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: I think there's a there's a ton of truth that
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: what was I just reading the other day was about
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: something that women they they were they don't want to
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: do it. Oh, this was about Bumble. Did you see it? Oh, yeah.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: They just changed the setting so men can now reach
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: out to women because it used to be just women
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: only reaching out to men.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: Women had to ask first. And I believe women are like,
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: you know what? We don't want to do that.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: It doesn't. It's not sexy. I would say most men
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: are not really. Bumble really does us a favor by
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: having this feature because women need to learn that if
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: you want to attract a man who's a masculine energy man,
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: you got to let him be the one to lead.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: And men don't really like women taking the lead. Feminine
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: energy men do, and it doesn't mean gay men, but
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: there's less. There's like 20% of men are feminine, straight
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: men are feminine energy. And then there's 20% of women
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: that are masculine energy women, which sometimes I am. On stage,
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: I'm a masculine energy woman. Anyone who's horny for what
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: I do on stage is a feminine energy guy, probably.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: Once a partner, the person I am on stage... And
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: so a lot of times the guys that are throwing
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: themselves at me after shows are not my vibe because
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: offstage I'm like a feminine energy woman and I'm like,
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: I want someone like that. Like I want to be
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: the girl. But then people don't think of me that
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: way because onstage you kind of naturally have to be masculine.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: It's like you're talking to a microphone and like having opinions.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: Like that's kind of a turnoff to men.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: That's interesting. Interesting. I don't think of you as that way.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: I think probably like Eliza, maybe I think more of
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: is that way. Cause she's definitely spectrum, but, um, uh,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: you know, her pacing and energy, you know, probably add
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: to that. Uh, I wonder who else is that?
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: I think like, like, but just the nature of a
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: woman going like, this is what I think. And everyone
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: needs to listen. Even if I'm like, this is what
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: I think. And everyone needs to listen. And I have
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: my tits out. It's still like, you're talking to a
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: microphone to a bunch of people who have to be quiet,
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: especially men have to be quiet. It's like, it's a
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: masculine energy thing.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: It's okay that men are like, I don't really like
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: female comics. Like I get it. It like, it's like,
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: it makes sense to me when guys are kind of like,
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: that's not my thing. It's like a woman like yelling
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: at you. If you grew up with a really aggressive mother.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: It's like, I get it.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: It was hard for me for years. I think sometimes
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: to listen, cause it was just like, I didn't even
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: know that it reminded me of my mother. That's, But
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: it was always something.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it totally makes sense.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I think some of that went away after a while.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: But yeah, Bumble said that they're not– for women who
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: date men, making the first move on a dating app
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: can be empowering, but having to do it can be
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: a burden. Now they don't have to, at least on Bumble,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: the dating app that built its brand on letting women
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: message first. Women can now add prompts to their profiles
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: for men to respond to.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, good. I like this.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: So like little flirting cues, huh?
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: Love it. Just any chance for a guy to like
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: reach out and let you know he's into you without
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: really giving away too much.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: It's so embarrassing. Like even for me, if I like
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: someone and like want to let them know, like I
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: won't let them know until I'm 100% sure they're into me.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Like 100% sure. I don't want that rejection. And I'm
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: sure men feel that way all the time.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, and there's no sure bets, you know? It's
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: like everything, I think this is one thing that's a
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: lot in our society these days. Everybody wants a sure bet, right? Yes.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: They want a lot of messages to make sure that
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: everything is okay, that there's, like, you're there.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: Everything has to be a home run.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, nobody wants to, nobody wants to kind of make
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: that move and be at risk. I mean, they're even
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: setting it up like that here now, like.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: But now it's like a little thing, like, it's like,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: this is the equivalent of, like, the long, like, a
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: long look across a room at a bar, like. I've learned,
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes autistic when I have to learn
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: how to like flirt. Like the idea of like, if
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: you like a guy, you're supposed to like hold eye
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: contact four seconds, which is a really long time. But
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: it's just a way to let a guy know tacitly
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: without being aggressive that like, I'm into you. Then he can, then,
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: then he gets it. Like, there's no way that girl's
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: not into me. She just looked at me that long,
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: but it wasn't like a masculine energy. Like it was like,
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: I'm like, it was like, come here, boy. It wasn't
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: even like this. It was just like, and then that
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: gives a guy enough confidence. Like, okay, she's probably into me.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Now I can approach. This is that it gives them
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: a chance to like not risk anything.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: I always feel like if a girl looks at me
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: like that, it's like, she wants to probably, oh, this
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: chick wants to borrow some cash, I feel like.
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: Well, that too.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: You know, I've got to get out of this bar.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah. Well, you're a celebrity now, so that's different.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: Like women are going to look at you longingly all
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: of the time. Oh, that's not true. It's true.
• 32:53
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• 32:57
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  Speaker 2: Girls like you, Hugh.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: No, these, yeah.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: You know it, come on.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: No, I know some girls like me.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: But it's like, I'm not, I'm not, it has not
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: made dating people any easier.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: No, that doesn't change things.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: So you want to meet somebody, right? And so then
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: you meet up, you go on a date or something,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: you're always afraid that they're going to videotape you or
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: try and, like, take advantage of you. Like, I'll be
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: eating breakfast and I'll see videos later online where people have, like,
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: videoed me.
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: I see you all the time.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: Where people film you driving. And it makes me just, like,
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: feel very nervous.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: It should. And it makes you not trust people and
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: it makes you question. Yeah, I can only imagine. I'm
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: glad that I haven't reached that level yet where I
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: feel like.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, what are you talking about, dude? No. Every time
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: there's always somebody. Every time I scroll through TikTok, you're
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: yelling about your pussy or something.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: That's probably true. But the algorithm has found you. I'm
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: not like right now I'm going through having like a
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: moment where I'm being more recognizable. But prior to this week,
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: I don't think it was at a level of what
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: you deal with, where people are filming you and stuff.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: That's got to feel weird.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I think there's the thing I didn't realize
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: is I'll sometimes entertain. It's like, then I feel like
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: I have to entertain because you don't want to be like, hey, motherfucker. Yeah,
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: they're filming. Because then you're like a bad guy. Look
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: at this guy's a bad guy. Look at this guy.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: One video of you being a dick.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this guy's on pills or whatever. And people are like,
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: knew he was back on the dust or whatever. You're like,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: what the fuck, huh?
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: Do you read that shit?
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: I don't read all of it, but I definitely see stuff.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: You can't miss it, of course. Yeah, and it doesn't
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: even matter if you don't read it. Then your mind
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: wanders to what they could be saying, and it's usually
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: worse than what they even are. It's like, yeah, that's
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: got to feel shitty. I've seen some people bombard you before,
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: and you're always funny, and you're always nice. Yeah, but
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: also you are someone that people just feel so close
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: to and feel so connected to and feel like you're
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: looking out for them and that you care about them,
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: that people are just... But also you're someone who's... Even
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: if they film you in your natural habitat and you
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: don't know you're being filmed, I trust you to be
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: someone– you're just not someone that's going to be, like,
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: so different than you are here. Yeah.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like I'm going to be buying a slave
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: or something or doing something, you know, or, you know,
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: burying somebody. But, yeah, I think– and I'm not complaining.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: I love getting to meet people. I think that it
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: has been interesting. Sometimes when it gets to levels of where.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: Wait, you really– some people do have to buy slaves.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: There's a slave– there's a human slave trade. I mean
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: you see it in bathrooms like if you see a
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: slave– like a trapper.
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the White House probably.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: There is– yeah. I mean they're everywhere.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: In Miami for sure.
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: Literally people have to meet up to exchange money to
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: buy people all the time.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: That's crazy. And imagine you have to– imagine getting all
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: that cash out of an ATM. You must have to–
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: How much is a person on the internet? This is horrible.
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: Honestly, this is interesting because I have no idea. I
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: would guess you could buy a person for $ 20, 000, $ 10, 000
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: probably in some markets. It's so sad.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Average cost right here of Russian mail-order brides, which I'm
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: not saying is... Get the fuck out. And this is
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: way different than slavery. Is it? Huh? I want to
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: denote that we're not talking about the same. We haven't. Yes.
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: We're not saying, hey, a Russian mail order bride is
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: somebody that enjoyed farming in the past or whatever. This
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: is average cost of a Russian mail order bride, $ 2, 500
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: to $ 4, 500. Wow. Yeah. I thought it would have been.
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm aging out of Russian bride this month. Fuck.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: I hate this. This is bums me out so much
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: when I age out of slave, like being a traffic.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: I'm out. No one wants to traffic me.
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: That could be your next special untrafficable.
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: Please.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: It's so good because that is the exact age I'm
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: at where it's like you just– I'm not worried about it.
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: I know young girls that like do worry about it.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: Getting stolen. Yeah, it's a thing.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: Well, let me tell you this, ladies. If you're at
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: the gas station, some guy is like, hey, will you
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: help me look for something in the trunk of my car?
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: And you get in there, dude, you shouldn't get in there.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying?
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: It's like– You're so fucking funny.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: Some of its basic rules.
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: Of companionship.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: You know what I was going to say? I was
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: going to say something that was interesting.
• 40:12
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: Russian bride.
• 40:13
  Speaker 4: Sorry.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: You know the percentage of people that had slaves? What
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: percentage of people owned slaves in America?
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: I'm going to say like back.
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah. Don't hit it yet.
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: 1973 or what are you talking about?
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: Huh? No, no, no. 18... Like at the peak of slaves.
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: 18, 20. I would say, honestly, just the wealthiest. I
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: would say 50% because it was probably, there was more
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: wealth back then.
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: I would say 5% or less. Oh, yeah.
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: Okay. 25%.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: Only 25% owned slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: economy of all the colonies. Wow.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: We also don't know if this is a... Yeah, we
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: don't know what.
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: This is referencing exactly. This feels like a statistic that
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: should be readily available.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: Oh, he posted one lie circulating only 1% of white
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: Southerners owned slaves, but the 1% of white Southern families
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: owned 200 or more human beings. But in states of
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: the Confederacy, at least 20% owned at least one. And
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: in Mississippi and South Carolina ran as high as 50%. Wow,
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: you're right. Man. Yeah. Yeah.
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, we all, like, wear things and use things
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: that are made by slaves. Like, we all participate in it.
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: This skirt was made by a slave, someone who is
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: not getting paid a lot and working back-breaking hours in
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: some country. Like, it's just the way that it is.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: We're so fucking lucky.
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: Or we don't.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: We are to not be doing that. We're the luckiest
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: people that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind.
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: We're in the top 0.000001% of luckiness.
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: For sure. But I just mean as an overall society.
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: No, I mean.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: That's where I was going.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: I still don't feel like, oh, just because some woman
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: my age is a slave over there that, like, I
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: can't complain about my life. I don't feel that because
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, there's problems with my life, too,
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: that are just, you know. Yeah. And it's all about
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: if she was in my shoes.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: It's all relative, yeah.
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: That she made.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: Don't you dare try them on.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: She already walked a mile in them, dude.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: To break them in. To, like, give them that worn
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: look that you pay extra for. I'd walk a mile
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: in hers, but I don't want to wear, you know.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stop you.
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: It's sad.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's sad.
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: You got to laugh about it because.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: It's, You have to laugh about it.
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: I'm not making excuses for being like, I'm making an
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: inappropriate joke laughing at slaves. Literally, what the fuck am
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: I supposed to do otherwise? At least I'm talking about it.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: Like, at least it's something I feel.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. The other day I was with some black guys.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: This other black guy came up and he said, damn,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: Larry looked like a slave. And I was like, and
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: everybody laughed, you know.
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: I wrote a joke for the roast that was about
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: Andrew Schultz. That was like, you... What's this look you've
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: got going on? You look like a plantation owner that
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: wants his slaves to think he's cool. Which is, like,
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: a great joke. But the word slave, like, just turns
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: people off. And it was too high risk to, like,
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: drop that word. And at first I was seeing a
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: slave owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool.
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: But then I did it and Finesse Mitchell, a black man,
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: saw me do it at the Laugh Factory. And he
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: suggested make it plantation owner just to, like, take some
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: of it.
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: The black community, I guess, does not even like the
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: mention of that word, which is something I didn't. Of course.
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: Of course they don't. But I wasn't even like thinking that.
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: That could be offensive or just like it's just not
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: a cool thing to say liberally like that.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah. But I wouldn't have thought about that. I don't know.
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: Maybe that's really me being so naive and just a
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: dumb white bitch. But I didn't know that. But now
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: I do.
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: Well, that's not that's not the perfect picture for that.
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: What I was just saying. But that's. You get it.
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let's talk about the roast. Congratulations. Thanks. First of all,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: you were so funny.
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: Thanks.
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: And not that you weren't going to be, but I
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: think it's a tough environment to do it in. I
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: had one experience with a roast, right? Yeah, tell me.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: Nothing in comparison to yours, but I realized something about it.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: It was probably like eight years ago or 12 years
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: ago or something. It was like, who was on it?
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: It was like, I think like, it was like, a
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: lot of like B-list or D-list celebrities type of people.
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: Where was it?
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: It was like Tila Tequila.
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: It was like.
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: Was it Foreign Network?
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: Jermaine Dupri, I think maybe was on it. I don't
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: know who else was on it.
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: Was this a VH1, MTV, Comedy Central? What's the vibe?
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: No. Oh no, it was just a fundraiser somewhere. Oh, okay.
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: This was a fundraiser.
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: So not like films, never going to exist anywhere, but still.
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: But still, right? And it was like, And like, oh,
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: that lady, Octormom or whatever.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: That had all the children or whatever. Oh, my God,
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: Natalie Suleiman or yeah, yeah.
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: She had like 30 children or something.
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God. This is a great roast fodder.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: You think it's funny and easy. It's going to be cool.
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: But then you get up there and the people are
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: right there.
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: And you're like, oh, my God, this is going to
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: hurt some people's feelings and I have to say this stuff. Yes.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: So that was when I realized how– what a tough
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: moment it is. Do you feel that when you're doing it? I.
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: I thought, no, I don't actually. The only time I,
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: if you sign up for a roast, like I understand
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: maybe the first roast that ever happened and I would
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: feel bad because like, what is this? And I wrote
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: all these jokes, but like go watch roast compilations. That's
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: what's coming at you. If you agreed to do this,
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: you are opening yourself up to that.
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: What if you sign up for a contest? Say you
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: sign up for something where somebody is going to call
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: you a F-A-G-G-O-T, right? You sign up for it. Somebody's like,
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: that's the thing. You want to sign up? You're like, yeah,
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: I'll sign up for it, dude. And it seems chill.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: You're whatever. You're backstage practicing.
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that sounds like a good time.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're backstage practicing or whatever, like how you're going
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: to react when they call you.
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: But then you go out there.
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: It's literally Tom Brady in the bowels of the Kia
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: forum the other night is practicing what to look like
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: when they call him that word. Probably, yes. That's what
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: I heard is that he was nervous beforehand. He's probably
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: more worried about his own set than thinking about the reactions.
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: But I think that's a part of being on a
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: roast where you have to think about what you're going
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: to do when they make fun of you.
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. I can't hide my feelings. I think it
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: would be tough.
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is tough. That's why I was so glad
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: that I was like, next time they'll come at me
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: hard because I'll be known. But this time no one
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: knows me. So no one came at me. I mean,
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: there were a couple of jokes, but nothing, but that consistent,
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: every person's going to hit you. I would hate that.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: I'm going to hate that. And it will be, I'll
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: be older. my face will have more things in it
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: that will make it look weird for people to make fun. Like,
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: you know, like there'll be, there'll be more fodder and
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: it will hurt a lot, a lot.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: So you agree though, that there's some pain there.
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, so much pain. But I did like you, like
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: I said, I, before when I've been doing roast, I
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: never thought about people's feelings. And I think the last
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: roast I did was five years ago. And in that time,
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: I think I've worked on myself enough to have empathy
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: and like not want to hurt people. And so this
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: time I was really worried about it. And like, I'm
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: not saying this joke about Jeff Ross. It's too mean.
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: And I don't even believe it. I don't want to
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: say this joke about Bert Kreischer only having one joke.
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: I don't even feel that way. But it's like, my
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: friends kept reminding me, it's a roast. This is what
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: it is. And they signed up for it. Don't pull back.
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: It's just, it's this.
• 47:17
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: So I just, but I fought it a lot. There
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: were some jokes I didn't do, just be, and wouldn't
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: even say here because I was just like, they came
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: from such a mean place and I could never, ever
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: say that to someone's face. But five years ago, I
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: definitely would have done that joke.
• 47:29
  Speaker 4: Really?
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: So you think you were toned down this time?
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, but in the right way. I think
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: it resonated because I hit the exact right tone. You
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: do that slave joke, and I could have lost people
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: because they're just like, why did she say slave? The
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: set was built perfectly.
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: Don't say it anymore.
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know. It was built perfectly so that it
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: didn't affect it. But I didn't pull back. I found
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: ways to go just as hard in the way that
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: I wanted to, I think.
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, I thought it was really masterful.
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: Thanks, man.
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was really, really cool. And then, yeah, you
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: just see you everywhere and everybody's like, she killed it. Really?
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: This bitch is it. She's the fucking honky-cardy B, people
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: are saying. All kind of stuff.
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: I haven't read that yet, but that's cool.
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's great stuff.
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: It's cool that, it's like, what I found is- She's.
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: The new Betsy Ross, somebody wrote somewhere. Whoa.
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: I don't even, wait, like Betsy, like 1800s Betsy Ross?
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the lady that made the freaking flag.
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: The flag. Oh my God, let's get a, yeah. Thank you.
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: That feels really good. I heard she was a bitch, too, dude.
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: 1700s Betsy Ross.
• 48:33
  Speaker 4: My bad.
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: Lucky my buddy said his great-grandfather knew her, and she
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: was a chatty bee, dude.
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. Look at her.
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: And she lived forever, and people were like, will this
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: chatty bee just die? She made one cool.
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: She would have had a podcast. Oh. A hit podcast.
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: That's true, huh?
• 48:51
  Speaker 2: Call her Betty.
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Call her Betty, dude.
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: She would have had it, man. She probably said five
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: sentences a day, and they're like, she was chatty. She
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: probably was just like, can I get some water?
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: You know, Rick's wife made that flag, and she's been
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: real chatty since then.
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: She looks so quiet.
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: Thankfully, my wife's missing. It was different times back then, dude.
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: Just kill your wife.
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: Hold on. You cannot. Do not say that. Do not
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: get that out there.
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: No, like, not now. Please don't. You're going to get caught.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: But back then, like, you could do anything. It was so, like,
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: that's– I've been talking a lot about, like, on stage
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: about– the desire to have kids or not have kids
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: and how I think that a lot of the feeling
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: that when women tell me like, you got to do it,
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: you know, and I know they're just trying to get
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: other women. Like when you're not having a good time,
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: you're like other people, will you do this too? There's
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: a part of it. And it's very rewarding in its
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: own way. But I think a lot of it, they
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: actually do believe it's so rewarding. But I think at
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: some point you have to convince yourself that it is
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: because you have no other option. You have to like it.
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: You can't let in that this is a regret because
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: you can't take it back. You can let in that
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: you regret marrying your husband because there's an out. Or, oh,
• 50:10
  Speaker 2: I bought this house. Or even this tattoo I got.
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: You can let in a little regret when you're like, oh,
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: I can get it removed. kid, you just have to
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: convince yourself you like it. And I think you do
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: actually end up liking it because of that, but I
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: think it's because there's no out. What do you think
• 50:24
  Speaker 2: about that?
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's almost like going to prison in a way,
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: kind of. Acceptance. Yeah. Because you can't be the guy
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: in prison that's every day like, man, prison sucks, huh?
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: You're so right.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: And people are like, dude, shut the fuck up. I
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: have to be in here for 21 and a half
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: more years.
• 50:41
  Speaker 2: Yes, but if you have a life sentence... Like it
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: would just you would just it would be your life.
• 50:46
  Speaker 2: I think I could probably accept it if there was
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: just no getting out.
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: I'd like a life sentence better than I would like
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: you get out in 40 years.
• 50:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, when you think it's your choice and you could
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: appeal and like there.
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: Yes. Because none of your chicks either. If you hit
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: them up when you get out, bro, it's a wrap.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: They're going to be like 40 years. Oh, yeah.
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: Well, hopefully you have a pen pal that you've been lubing. Yeah.
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: Like and then there's someone waiting for you because but
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: as soon as you're available, they don't want you. Like
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men, as soon
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: as a guy would get out of prison, I'd be like,
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: I just think we should be friends. Like I would,
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: you know, all that stuff I said I was going
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: to do with you.
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: I'm just not into it anymore because now you're free.
• 51:21
  Speaker 2: But there's a part of me that understands when women
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: like are attracted to guys that have life sentences. They
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: can never be with them.
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: Fear of intimacy. That guy will never get to know me,
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: never touch me. And I can just dream about it.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: And I can tell everybody about it. It's a great story.
• 51:36
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: I'm the hero.
• 51:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: Or I'm the psycho who likes this guy who murdered
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: his wife and has convinced myself that he wouldn't do
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: that to me if he had a chance.
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: Or that I want that, kind of. Or I want
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: to be the one that's like, he wouldn't murder me.
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: They murdered everyone else. Like, I remember hearing about this, like, Yeah,
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: there's no way.
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: He's going to murder me, dude. Oh, Ben Affleck. What
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: was he like? I'm always fascinated by him. I'm such
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: a fan. You didn't?
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: No, we didn't meet even Brady before the show began.
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: We just got miked, got sat, and then all of
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: a sudden the show starts.
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: Is that one of the reasons they do it, you think?
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: So there's no.
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: No, because I guess maybe this is a different production
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: company this time, different network. It used to be Comedy Central.
• 52:15
  Speaker 2: We would all hang out a little bit before, like
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: five minutes before you'd shake their hand, like the guy
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: you're about to roast. But there was none of that
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: this time. And then Affleck, I think, just wanted in
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: and out because he didn't want anyone to even know
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: he was there to be roasted. And I think he
• 52:27
  Speaker 2: was supposed to stay on stage after he got done.
• 52:29
  Speaker 2: But he fucked it. He booked it out of there
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: because Tom referenced him in his set at some point.
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: And it was written in the prompter as if Ben
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: would still be there. And he was gone. So I
• 52:38
  Speaker 2: think either he got out because it didn't go the
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: way he wanted it to or he got out because
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: he's like, I didn't realize it was going to be
• 52:43
  Speaker 2: this kind of thing. I'm not going to sit there
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: and get jokes told about me.
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: Damn.
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: So but yeah, it was that was.
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: It was weird. So he was just in and out.
• 52:52
  Speaker 2: In and out, yeah.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: And yeah, what was it like when he was up there?
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: What's it like? when somebody's up there and they are
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: trying something, right? And it's maybe not being perceived or
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: going over as well, right? We all do that. It's
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: like trying a new joke. It's a brave way to
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: do it.
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: It just sucks for him that the reason his set
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: went poorly is because he committed to a joke that
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: is the whole, like if the joke doesn't work, the
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: whole set's gone because the whole set was this one
• 53:17
  Speaker 2: premise of I'm reading a tweet and I'm talking back
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: to this guy. So if it, the first joke bombs,
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: the whole, that's what's based. He didn't switch to another joke.
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: Like for me, one of my joke bombs, I can
• 53:27
  Speaker 2: get it back in the next one. Totally different reset.
• 53:29
  Speaker 2: But his was all about this one thing.
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: So much risk.
• 53:32
  Speaker 2: It was, it was, it was not a good something.
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: Either he didn't prepare well enough or something happened, but
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: it was, but it could have happened to anyone. It's just, yeah,
• 53:41
  Speaker 2: it happened to him and it sucked.
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: He's always been a risk taker though. I feel like.
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and he doesn't give a fuck. Like, no one's
• 53:47
  Speaker 2: even talking about whatever that was. Like, it'll be forgotten.
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: He'll be fine. And he is a risk taker. I
• 53:52
  Speaker 2: like that he even did it. And he had a
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: point of view. You can tell it, like, the whole
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: premise of it was like, Tom handed me his phone
• 54:01
  Speaker 2: one day and I saw his messages and I couldn't
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: even fathom what the hate he was getting. So he
• 54:06
  Speaker 2: started talking to one of those people that was tweeting
• 54:09
  Speaker 2: at him. And you could tell he was just really,
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: that was his vendetta. He wanted to say something to
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: the fans because he's been attacked so much.
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: So it was a good premise. They never gave him
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: a break.
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: Like, he wanted to get something out that was inside
• 54:19
  Speaker 2: of him. It just didn't come out the right way.
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: But it was a good premise, I think, that was
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: personal for him and obviously to Tom of getting so
• 54:25
  Speaker 2: much hate. Yeah. But it doesn't resonate with other people
• 54:29
  Speaker 2: because most people aren't getting hate online and are just like,
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: I don't care.
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: Most people are writing the hate.
• 54:35
  Speaker 2: Exactly. We, as comedians, are always talking about, do you
• 54:38
  Speaker 2: read the hate and stuff? People can relate to that.
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: People aren't getting this kind of... There's a lot of
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: influence that's out there, but it's not a relatable thing.
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I guess.
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: If you have, like, 400 followers, and that would be
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: a lot for just a normal person, if you know
• 54:53
  Speaker 2: that many people that are following you. If you get, like,
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: 14 likes on something, that's good. Like, are you getting
• 54:57
  Speaker 2: sad if you get seven?
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 55:00
  Speaker 2: It's probably just all the same.
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 55:02
  Speaker 2: You're not, like, as obsessed with that stuff. Some people
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: don't even have that shit to grade themselves.
• 55:06
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• 58:05
  Speaker 1: was it better having the Comedy Central run the roast
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: or was it better with Netflix?
• 58:09
  Speaker 2: It was different. I think because this was live, I
• 58:12
  Speaker 2: was just like, why are they going to do that? Like,
• 58:14
  Speaker 2: why are they doing this live? Because it was an event.
• 58:17
  Speaker 2: That's why everyone watched it. If this would have been
• 58:19
  Speaker 2: just like something that aired later on, I don't think
• 58:22
  Speaker 2: it would have been this good because there were just,
• 58:24
  Speaker 2: it was like, everyone was like, what the fuck? This
• 58:25
  Speaker 2: is live. It was really crazy. And that's why- In
• 58:29
  Speaker 2: past roasts, I've done this well before in past roasts,
• 58:33
  Speaker 2: I feel. But after it's edited, everyone looks like they
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: did that good. Because... of the magic of editing. So
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: I've never had like this kind of splash. Not that
• 58:42
  Speaker 2: I've been like, why didn't more people say I was good?
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: It just, I never even thought to think that. But
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: I was like, I didn't, this to me was like
• 58:49
  Speaker 2: a same that I've done on everyone, but it was
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: just like, it wasn't, I just did a set that
• 58:52
  Speaker 2: wasn't edited that looked edited because I knew it wouldn't
• 58:55
  Speaker 2: be edited. So I didn't have the benefit of, I'll
• 58:58
  Speaker 2: tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it
• 58:59
  Speaker 2: doesn't go well. So I just had to make it
• 59:01
  Speaker 2: like perfect.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: Good for you, dude.
• 59:02
  Speaker 2: Thanks, man.
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: Way to think something through. Sometimes it's so hard to
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: figure out all those little angles and piece them all together.
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: It's really tough.
• 59:08
  Speaker 2: It's, you know, and I got so much advice from
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: my friends who work in production and who work in
• 59:11
  Speaker 2: live production. My friends who are just good writers, good
• 59:15
  Speaker 2: roast writers. Like I just got like a lot of
• 59:17
  Speaker 2: advice of like, how to frame it and tell a story.
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: Because you could just get up there and just tell
• 59:24
  Speaker 2: the best jokes and pick the best ones. And that
• 59:26
  Speaker 2: would be a great set. But there's other elements to it, too,
• 59:29
  Speaker 2: that make it fun and can make it just more palatable,
• 59:32
  Speaker 2: I guess.
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think your level of confidence to having had
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: done it a lot definitely helps. Also, Comedy Central was
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: horribly late to the social media game.
• 59:41
  Speaker 2: Can you believe Comedy Central is still on?
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: On what?
• 59:44
  Speaker 2: I think they have one show. They have two shows,
• 59:47
  Speaker 2: three original shows right now. I think they have South Park, Awkwafina,
• 59:51
  Speaker 2: and one other animation show. That's all their original programming.
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 59:56
  Speaker 2: How different is that than even 10 years? It's insane.
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: But you had comedy. You're the one thing that had
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: comedy in your title. We've talked about that a lot
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: on here. They kind of dropped the wall. But the
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: biggest thing that they did was they went late to
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: social media. They went really late to it. They went
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: late to internet. They just were late to that whole game. Yes. Yeah.
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: You know, they.
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 2: And Daily Show. Sorry, they have Daily Show. Oh, sorry.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: They have.
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 2: Yes, that's it. Daily Show, Awkwafina, Dig Man and South Park.
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 2: That's it. That's nuts. They used to have so much.
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, times have just changed, too. I mean, people
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: aren't really. But but they were late. And I think
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: that didn't help as well. So as if roasters did great.
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: For people to see it as easily.
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I blew up from the roast because of clips
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 2: when TikTok came around. That's when people noticed me from
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 2: the original roast.
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: And Netflix makes good clips. Their clips just look glossier.
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: Even as compared to stuff you see on– for some reason,
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 1: they just do a better job of it. And then
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: Tom Brady is so high profile. You just don't realize it.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't even want to do a roast again.
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 2: I don't know. The idea of roasting, like, the Jonas Brothers,
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 2: not that they even asked me to do that roast,
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: but when that was, I was like, oh, that's the level.
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: They already did that one?
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which was fun, and I probably would entertain it,
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 2: but it was like, I just didn't want to put
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: myself up to be made fun of. Like, it's just
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 2: not worth it to me if it's not a big deal.
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 2: And Tom Brady, I'm like, this is a big deal.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 2: So I wrote, I think, Robbie Praugh. the guy at
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: Netflix who books everyone, and I think I wrote to him,
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 2: or he wrote to me about something else, and I go,
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 2: I saw this Tom Brady roast. This is like six
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 2: months ago.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: And I was.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 2: Like, I want that. And he was like, I'm actually
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 2: meeting with Tom pretty soon. I was like, tell Tom.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 2: I'm the Tom Brady of roasting and that it's, it's
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 2: not going to be a Tom Brady roast without the
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 2: best roaster there is right now. And did I believe
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 2: that at the time? No, like, but I know what
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 2: I meant was I'll work the hardest.
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 2: Like I might be a six round draft pick, but
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 2: I'll fucking I'll prove to everyone by working hard. I
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 2: won't I will not take this lightly. This is a
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 2: big opportunity. And so I don't even know if he
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 2: communicated that to him, but I did. I remember like
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: I never talk myself up in that way. Like I'm
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 2: really not very good at being like I can do this,
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 2: but I really did feel like I could. And so
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 2: I thought, oh, if I can appeal to Tom's sense
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 2: of like I have work ethic like you do and
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 2: I won't. phone this in, you're a big deal, get me.
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 2: And so when I got it, I was like, you
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 2: have to give it everything.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: Right, if you ask for the ball, you have to fucking,
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 1: you have to shoot.
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 2: Everything, yes. So the amount of, I worked on that.
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 2: I don't love working that hard, but you just have
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 2: to ask for help. You just have to ask for
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 2: help in terms of stopping other things and having people
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 2: protect you from getting overworked.
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: And were you wearing panties up there or not, to
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: be honest?
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, totally.
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, you got it.
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, I was wearing, I was actually, yeah.
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: Did you think about what panties you wear? Because Tom
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: Brady's going to be there. Do you, is that like a,
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: is that a perverted thing to ask?
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 2: No, not at all, actually.
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, thanks. Sounds really perverted.
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 2: No, it really, I think, yeah, you kind of do think,
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 2: You know what, if there's no chance I'm having sex,
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 2: I really don't give a shit. And no one's gonna see,
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 2: I don't care. So I think that I wanted them
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 2: to be black in case something happened and they show,
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 2: but there was no chance of them showing. My skirt
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 2: wasn't as short as it may have looked.
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: If your vagina hair gets real long, do women comb
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: it or whatever?
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 2: No, mine never gets that long enough to think about.
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 2: You probably try to tuck it up, I would think,
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 2: into the underwear. But no, I, but if, yeah, I
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 2: definitely would. If I, if I was like out and
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 2: I was like, I'm going to have sex and I
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 2: didn't prepare for this and I was wearing like a
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 2: bad thong, I would just wear, no, I would just
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 2: take it off and throw it away. because I'd rather
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 2: be wearing none than, like, a disappointing pair, even though
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 2: I know most men.
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: Don't even fucking care. Give it to a stray animal, huh?
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: Give him a little treat, huh?
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 2: Something to chew on, yeah.
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: Hey, Bubbles, you want to party a little tonight? Go
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 1: get your rocks off, little pony. Did you– was there
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: a part of you that thinks I may have a
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 1: chance with Tom? I mean, you're an attractive lady. You're
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: very funny. You actually look kind of like Giselle, you know?
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 2: That's really nice of you, and people are going to
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 2: comment that Theo was on one when he said that.
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 2: But I will say– he's on that dust exactly well
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 2: I will say that I I have a boyfriend so
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 2: I was like.
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 1: No but he would understand yeah he would if you
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: left him for Tom yeah who's not gonna understand.
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna leave him for him but if I
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 2: bang Tom like I think he'd probably be like you
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 2: gotta do it yeah get in there Like, but I,
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 2: that wasn't in my, I really did not think that.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean, like, I will say that, you know, I've,
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 2: I've done these roasts before. And last time I was
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 2: single and I like did a bunch of jokes about
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 2: wanting to fuck Blake Griffin because he was going to
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 2: be there. And I would, I mean, I would, he's
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 2: an attractive man. I was single. So I was like,
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 2: I'll throw in jokes about that and just see what happens.
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 2: And it's a joke, you know, like I don't really want,
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 2: it's a joke. But yeah, was there a little bit
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 2: of like, I would maybe like try me. Like, I'm
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 2: not like just going to do, oh, oh, he'll fuck
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 2: me in a bat. Like if he wants to, and like,
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 2: he's charming, like it's a way to flirt. it's definitely
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 2: a way to open the conversation yeah um so yeah
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 2: oh my god okay I can kind of see it
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 2: I mean that's my goal like my Giselle's the prettiest
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 2: person that's ever lived um so I could get to
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 2: a 9.2 if I keep getting the right kind of
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 2: work in doctors I could maybe get to looking like
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 2: her like you know her half sister or something like that.
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah like Giselle yeah exactly people are like whoa dude
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: yeah yeah yeah yeah sorry.
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 2: I like I'm trying to think of another one. Giselle,
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 2: but like the way you pay people.
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 1: Like that's the ultimate hooker name. Giselle. That's great. That
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: would have been a good roast joke, huh, baby? That's good.
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 2: That's good. No, you've got it. You can fucking. I
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 2: was thinking your brain to like next time I do
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 2: a roast, I'm just going to be like, can I
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 2: just send pictures of the people and you just tell
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 2: me the first thing that comes to your mind? Because
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 2: you say you're the funniest. You're one of the funniest
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 2: people that's ever lived. Like you are. You would be
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 2: amazing at roast jokes. You're able to just like look
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 2: at something and break it down in a way that.
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 2: Yes you do know I mean like you've just been
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 2: maybe you don't know but the way your mind works
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 2: and processes things is so fucking elite and cool and
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 2: yeah whenever I'm feeling not funny I'll watch some of
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 2: your like compilations and stuff of just how you talk
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 2: and how you think and it gets my mind into
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 2: a place of like more being more creative oh that's
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 2: sweet of you to say that like I don't know
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 2: if you ever feel that way like the people you're
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 2: around like make me funnier like I absorb it.
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 1: Oh I think that there's a lot of truth to
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 1: that it's funny cause And thank you. No, it's true.
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 1: Sweet stuff for you to say. I think there was
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: a time when my brain was really good and something
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: happened to my brain. I think I might be getting
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 1: a disease or something. No way.
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 2: No, you're sharp as ever.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: Oh, I don't know. Really? You feel it? I live
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: in here.
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 2: You feel a dullness?
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: I just feel like a lot of times my brain
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: used to just give me the craziest, best idea and
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: it would even surprise me. And now this motherfucker is
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: just a fucking.
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 2: You might be used to it, though.
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 2: Because I haven't sensed a dip off from just observing.
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: You make me laugh. That's what I was thinking today.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: It's like sometimes you sit in here and you have
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: fun and this is one of those times.
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 2: Well, making you laugh is a privilege. But I always
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 2: just come in here. I'm like, I'm not even going
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 2: to try to be funny. I just want to like
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 2: laugh because I actually I'm on Reddit a lot and people,
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 2: comedian subreddits. Prescription?
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, thinking of a drug or whatever. Like how many
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: milligrams do you want?
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: The more milligrams of Reddit somebody's on, the fucking worse
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: they're doing, dude.
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 2: No, I only do it at night after a long day.
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 2: I love Reddit, but they'll show me a lot of
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 2: my friend comedians, and I kind of see their subreddits.
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 2: And yours is so beloved. And people love you so much,
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 2: and I've not participated in it, but I've read through it.
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I just go through, and they'll be like, what's
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 2: your favorite theism? And I'll just read them. You're brilliant.
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 2: I don't mean to fan out, but I'm just saying, like,
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 2: when I came in here, I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna, like,
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 2: laugh the whole time. That's, like, what it is. You
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 2: and Tim Dillon, that episode, fuck it.
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 1: I've listened to it a couple times. How funny was that?
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 1: He's so... You both. No, he is.
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 2: But he's next. I mean, he's next level. You guys
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 2: are on the same level in.
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 1: Terms of brilliance. I saw him at a dessert place
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: or whatever, a dessert banquet. It might have even been, like,
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: a dog show, but for desserts, you know?
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 1:08:15
  Speaker 1: And it was, like, a... And he was there. I
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: think he was a judge or whatever.
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 2: I have no idea what the fuck that means.
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 1: But he was like, man, we did something that day,
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: didn't we?
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 3: Dude.
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 2: Did you ever? I've talked to him about it so often.
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 2: And I just talked to someone recently who was like
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 2: Theo and Tim, and we were quoting pieces of it
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 2: where you guys were talking about the Uber Eats drivers,
• 1:08:38
  Speaker 2: the DoorDash guys.
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 1: DoorDash, yeah.
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 2: You had some great lines in that. You both were
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 2: just on fire. It was so fun. Oh, my God.
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 2: That was such a great episode.
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 1: You guys should get together more often. This has been fun.
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: I got to go do his show. He's like, let's
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: let it simmer. Let's let it, you know.
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 2: No, we want more.
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 1: You made a good steak. He's like, just let it,
• 1:08:57
  Speaker 1: you know, let's raise the calf.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 2: No, no, no. Don't raise the calf. because there's no
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 2: amount that we, as fans, I'm a fan of both
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 2: of yours in the same way, and I'm not like
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 2: that with every comedian, like, I'm not consuming their content,
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 2: but you guys, I would be like, the way, I
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 2: would be like, refreshing, when is this gonna be posted?
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 2: I'd be so excited, it's my favorite.
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he makes me laugh. Yeah, I've been lucky to
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 1: have some neat conversations with people. And, yeah, it's a
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: good way, too, to get to know people. And then
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 1: this is what I start to realize, Nikki. It's like
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 1: the most time you get to spend sometimes in a
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 1: real conversation with some of the comedians is through podcasting.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 2: This is our— hang someone said the thing of like
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 2: did comedians have friendships before podcasting like what did they
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 2: do like yeah this is how I get to know
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 2: people this is how this is the most we've hung
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 2: out we've gone to like dinner before and stuff but
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 2: like these are where we have conversations that we would
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 2: never have even at dinner maybe of just like sitting
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 2: and doing nothing else we're not on our phones when
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 2: are you hanging with someone not on your phone so
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 2: yeah this is how I love podcasting for the friendship
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 2: that you get out of it sometimes and hang it's great.
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and to get to catch up and, yeah, have
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 1: some moments in someone's life.
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 1: Do you jockey for position with the roasts on where
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 1: you get to be in the order? I tried.
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 2: You know, I said, I want to go first.
• 1:10:14
  Speaker 1: How does that work?
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 2: You just, like, wait for them to tell you what
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 2: the fuck is going on. Because there's no, like, you
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 2: don't know a lot. They're just like, here's who's going
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 2: to be on. And then you find out, like, oh,
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 2: that person dropped out a week ago. And I'm like, okay, well,
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 2: I've been writing about them for, like, can you tell me? Like,
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 2: it's kind of like.
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: Like, who dropped out?
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 2: Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson. And then someone else will tell
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 2: you off air.
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 1: Man or woman? I'm going to ask three questions.
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 2: Actually, three men that dropped off. Two comedians, Mike Tyson,
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 2: and then one celebrity.
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: Three comedians. Mike Tyson.
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 2: Two comedians.
• 1:10:47
  Speaker 1: Two comedians. And they were men.
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I don't even know if they were confirmed.
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 2: Maybe they were just names that were floated. I wish.
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 2: I'm friends with him enough to be like, don't drop out.
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 2: What are you doing? This is great for you, you know,
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 2: but no, it wasn't Tim. And don't tell us any
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 2: names because I can't lie, and I'll make you cut it.
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 1: I can't think of other people.
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 2: Oh, good. Great. I'm so glad your brain is doing
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 2: exactly what you said it was doing before.
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you, the idea is just empty, yeah. Dang.
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 1: But Mike Tyson, so he didn't want to do it
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: or he just couldn't.
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 2: Who knows? He could have had something that he had
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 2: to go do.
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 4: He's training.
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 1: Who knows?
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 2: I think at one point Gronk was supposed to miss it.
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 2: He was on it and then they took him off
• 1:11:27
  Speaker 2: because he had to go to a wedding and then
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 2: he decided to come back on. And I was like,
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 2: thank God. He made that roast so– like it wouldn't
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 2: have been the same without him. So I'm so glad
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 2: he decided to do it. The people that dropped out
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 2: would have been great but it wasn't like they weren't
• 1:11:39
  Speaker 2: showstoppers in terms of like– what's gonna happen they would've
• 1:11:43
  Speaker 2: killed though there's one in particular that I'm like come
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 2: on man what are you doing you should've done it
• 1:11:48
  Speaker 2: and I think he Dave Attell probably I wish he'd
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 2: be amazing at it I've never seen him do a
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 2: roast though I thought too but yeah I wanted to
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 2: go first because that's where I've gone before right after
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 2: the host just open it up and then I'm done
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 2: and I can relax and just enjoy the night I
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 2: don't wanna sit there all night thinking about my set
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 2: and like I just wanna be done I always wanna
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 2: go first on shows I just don't wanna wait around
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 2: and think.
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 1: About me that's how I am during sex dude You know,
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 1: and people, yeah, girls don't understand it.
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 2: See, I want them to go first. And then, like,
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 2: so I.
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: Don't have to worry about pleasing you. Yeah, them's me, dude.
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, exactly.
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're the same way. Yes, yes.
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 1: I want to go first, dude.
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 2: Get my work done.
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 2: And then I can relax and get my stuff done.
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, I see what you're doing.
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 2: Like, after I got you off, like, now I feel
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 2: like I can just relax. If I'm, like, you know,
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 2: if I, it's like when you massage someone and you're like,
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 2: I'll massage you after this. Like, I can't enjoy the
• 1:12:37
  Speaker 2: massage because I'm like, I have to massage this bitch
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 2: after this. Oh, yeah, dude. So it's kind of like that.
• 1:12:42
  Speaker 2: But I ended up, yeah, I asked for a first spot.
• 1:12:45
  Speaker 2: But you just, I don't have any power. I was
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 2: just like, I would like to really go first if
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 2: there's a chance for me. And I'm the least famous
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 2: person on the fucking thing. And they go, I go,
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 2: I think it would really behoove the show for me
• 1:12:56
  Speaker 2: to go early. I've gone early in three different rows
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 2: and it worked out. But I don't want to also
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 2: be like, the last production company did it this way.
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 2: Because they might go, well, then we're not doing it
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 2: that way because we're doing things differently.
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 1: What were the differences between the Comedy Central version and
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: the Netflix version? You think, well- The one was it
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 1: was live.
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 2: It was live.
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 1: So that made it totally different.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think– I didn't think about this before, but
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 2: after the fact, like you can say– like I never
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 2: censored myself, but it would get bleeped. And bleeped things
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 2: aren't as funny as just saying it. Sometimes they are.
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 2: Sometimes a bleep is funnier than the word.
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 1: Right. But it was 100 percent live. Like– Yeah. No way.
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 2: So scary. Like I'm not kidding you. I was– oh,
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 2: and I've said this before on other podcasts, so I'm sorry.
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 2: I don't want to repeat myself, but I think we'll
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 2: get into something else with this is that– Dude, I
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 2: had my set locked in. It's in the prompter. I
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 2: just gave it right before we're going out. Like, last minute,
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 2: I'm making changes to certain words, everything. It's perfect. I
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 2: submit it. I'm out there. And then Kevin Hart, like,
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 2: does one of the jokes in my set. And I have...
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 2: There's nothing I can do. There's no stop down. There's
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 2: no commercials. And I'm just like, what do I do?
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 2: And I just decided to tell it. Thankfully, it was...
• 1:14:00
  Speaker 2: Our sets were separated enough that I was like, people
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 2: might forget that he said that. But that was like...
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 2: There's just, there's just, and, oh, this is another thing. Oh,
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 2: I haven't said this before. Speaking of underwear, and I
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 2: was going to say this, and then I go, don't
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 2: say this, but I think it's.
• 1:14:15
  Speaker 1: Kind of funny. I think it's good. Yeah, I think
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 1: people need to know it.
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 2: What is it? I, like, right before, my period ended, like,
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 2: a day before the roast. And so I was like,
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 2: I'm good. Like, I was, took out the last one. Like,
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you know how it works.
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 1: How many do you do? Because they're almost like cigarettes.
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 1: You don't do a whole pack, do you?
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 2: Um, sometimes like if you're really like, Oh my God. Yeah. Oh,
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 2: you can go through, not in a day. It's in
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 2: a day. It's about three or three, two to four
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 2: in a day, four on a very heavy day. And
• 1:14:41
  Speaker 2: maybe some girls are fives and some days maybe a
• 1:14:42
  Speaker 2: girl is a one.
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I thought there was just one. And then a
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: couple of days later you take it out. No way.
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 2: Really?
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah. It's three or four day.
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: We all thought that.
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 2: Really?
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 1: Well, this is three or four.
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 2: And I wouldn't expect you to know that. Like it's like,
• 1:14:54
  Speaker 2: we're not talking about it. Yeah.
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: You're going to need the gum to quit, dude. That's crazy.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 2: What?
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 2: I was doing menthols too.
• 1:15:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, wow.
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 4: No filter.
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 2: But I like, but yeah, there's something, no.
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 1: Why doesn't Marlboro make a tampon?
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 2: They probably, with some nicotine in it, that's a way
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 2: to absorb it. I mean, there's one, you can soak
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 2: vodka and get high from doing that. But I, so
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 2: I was on my last one and like, at my age,
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 2: your period will stop and it'll start and like, there's
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 2: just this funky things. It's like puttering out. Like, it's like,
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 2: we don't know what's going on. So, I thought it
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 2: was done, and then I'm going to go to the
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 2: bathroom right before we go on. I'm like, I'm just
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 2: going to pee one last time. And, like, it's back on.
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 1: More period?
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 2: It's back on.
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 1: Wow, over time. It went from.
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 2: Nothing for a day, nothing. I was done, to it's
• 1:15:45
  Speaker 2: enough that something needs to be, like, I can't just, like,
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 2: wipe it and be like, ugh. And I'm in the
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 2: forum bathroom.
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 1: You're in a foreign bathroom?
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 2: Forum. At the Kia forum. I'm in the bathroom in
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 2: the backstage. So it's like in this like kind of
• 1:15:58
  Speaker 2: party area. It's not a bathroom that has like women's
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 2: products or anything. So I just made a tampon with–
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 2: I just went like this and just shoved it up
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 2: and corked it with some toilet paper, which any girl
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 2: listening has done before.
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 1: Really? Yeah.
• 1:16:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because you go like this and you make a
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 2: pad and you put the pad with a bunch of
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 2: toilet paper. You make a pad. But I couldn't risk
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 2: making a pad because I was wearing a thong. It
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 2: could have just slipped out and I'm wearing a dress
• 1:16:21
  Speaker 2: and it falls out. This bloody napkin would fall out.
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 2: But I swear to God, I didn't tuck it that well.
• 1:16:25
  Speaker 2: Later on, after the roast, I went pee and I'm like,
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 2: it was loose. It could have fallen out. Can you
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 2: imagine on live TV... If my napkin with blood on it,
• 1:16:36
  Speaker 2: like toilet paper would have fall. Like, and it's not
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 2: like a nice look. It's like all crumpled up, fell out.
• 1:16:40
  Speaker 2: Like what would I have done? Like that kind of
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 2: thought goes through my mind. I'm like, that was so
• 1:16:45
  Speaker 2: close to happening. So close to happening.
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 1: It's scary. It's like one of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk.
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 1: Have you seen Dunkirk?
• 1:16:50
  Speaker 2: No, but.
• 1:16:51
  Speaker 1: It's like a war movie.
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 2: Even if the cameras didn't catch it, someone on the
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 2: dais would have done something with it. And then it
• 1:16:56
  Speaker 2: would have been a thing.
• 1:16:58
  Speaker 1: Who would have done it? Let's decide right now.
• 1:17:01
  Speaker 2: Well, Jeff Ross Jeff actually probably would have saved me
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 2: and just seen it and covered it up. He's like yeah.
• 1:17:09
  Speaker 1: Yes, he would have said it was his Like I
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 1: would have put.
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 2: It in as a pocket square.
• 1:17:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:17:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he would have he would have had my back
• 1:17:17
  Speaker 2: But um.
• 1:17:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or you could have said oh, I he could
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 1: have been like oh I thought what's-her-name was on the day.
• 1:17:22
  Speaker 1: It's the lady from that blood movie.
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 2: And Oh, the woman that talks like this.
• 1:17:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:17:27
  Speaker 2: Theranos.
• 1:17:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:17:28
  Speaker 2: Elizabeth Holmes.
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they could have been like, oh, Elizabeth Holmes is here, guys.
• 1:17:31
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, that would have been good. That's good. But, yeah, like,
• 1:17:34
  Speaker 2: do you ever think about things like that? Like, oh,
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 2: my God, that could have gone so bad. Do you have, like,
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 2: waves of anxiety? Anytime I've done anything. You're like, oh,
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 2: my God, I could have said that word or whatever.
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, dude.
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 2: It's live TV, the things I could have done.
• 1:17:46
  Speaker 1: And I know what word it is, dude, and yeah.
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 2: Slay. Well.
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 1: And you don't want to say it, dude. You can
• 1:17:54
  Speaker 1: say it in your car, but.
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 2: No, man.
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 1: But yeah, and you don't want to say it. And
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 1: it's like, but yeah, it's like very scary. Like when
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 1: they do, like we did good morning football or whatever. Yeah.
• 1:18:04
  Speaker 1: And it was for the SEC championship and it was live.
• 1:18:08
  Speaker 1: And I was like, I would never let me do
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: live TV. Like, I just don't even know what's going
• 1:18:12
  Speaker 1: to go. You know, I just don't always know how
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be if something gets me sometimes. So scary.
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 2: How did it go? I'm guessing it was great.
• 1:18:19
  Speaker 1: It went okay. You look great. Oh, my God.
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 2: That's so scary. Is that Pat McAfee?
• 1:18:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's Pat McAfee.
• 1:18:24
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, I love him.
• 1:18:24
  Speaker 1: He crushed it.
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 2: He's so great.
• 1:18:26
  Speaker 1: It was really fun, but it was just, I never
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 1: realized what it's like being live. And they're like, and go. Yes.
• 1:18:31
  Speaker 2: And you're like, what? Yeah, but you've done like morning
• 1:18:35
  Speaker 2: TV and like local markets. That's the closest we get
• 1:18:37
  Speaker 2: to doing something like this because that's live.
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 1: This is pretty live and you can take some stuff out.
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 2: But yeah, this feels live. And like even that last thing,
• 1:18:44
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, my God, if someone out of context
• 1:18:46
  Speaker 2: just hears me go say slave, that was a callback
• 1:18:49
  Speaker 2: if you're. joining the show late and missed it.
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: Also, if you start listening to a podcast in the
• 1:18:53
  Speaker 1: middle at like 47 minutes.
• 1:18:54
  Speaker 2: But what if they're not listening in the beginning because
• 1:18:56
  Speaker 2: they get like a package delivered or something and they
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 2: miss that whole bit and then they keep listening and
• 1:19:01
  Speaker 2: that's the only thing.
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 1: Well, if you don't know about slavery in America, dude,
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 1: then that's your loss. If slavery even happened. I'm just
• 1:19:12
  Speaker 1: saying they never found the boats. See what they, bring
• 1:19:17
  Speaker 1: up some of the boats. Bring up the marina.
• 1:19:19
  Speaker 2: The marina.
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 1: Bring up the marina in Charleston.
• 1:19:23
  Speaker 2: Oh my God.
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 1: This is not funny.
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 3: Marina.
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 1: He's looking for it.
• 1:19:31
  Speaker 2: Where did the Amistad dock is what you want to know?
• 1:19:34
  Speaker 1: Oh, I love that movie.
• 1:19:35
  Speaker 2: I haven't seen it.
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 1: It's so good, man. Did you want one too? He's
• 1:19:39
  Speaker 1: so good. Give us free. He's good in it. They
• 1:19:44
  Speaker 1: should remake that and be like, where are they now?
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 1: Tony Hinchcliffe's so good. Let's talk about that for a second.
• 1:19:53
  Speaker 2: Dude, he was so good.
• 1:19:57
  Speaker 1: Well, first of all, there's nobody, and I say this
• 1:20:00
  Speaker 1: out of sheer admiration. I talk about his show all
• 1:20:02
  Speaker 1: the time.
• 1:20:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 1: Kill Tony gets 100,000 people watching it live when it
• 1:20:07
  Speaker 1: goes on. All YouTube at the same time.
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 2: I get it. It's so good. He was a rock
• 1:20:12
  Speaker 2: star that night. I remember... I was like front row
• 1:20:15
  Speaker 2: for it and he's walking by me roasting and just
• 1:20:17
  Speaker 2: like the steadiness of his pace plus just looking... Just going,
• 1:20:21
  Speaker 2: nice shoes, Tom. Did you get those in the divorce? Like,
• 1:20:23
  Speaker 2: just boo, but like, just so smooth, so confident. Who
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 2: is this guy? Perfect way to get into it, too,
• 1:20:29
  Speaker 2: because it starts out in the crowd and you're just like,
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 2: who's this guy doing a crowd bit that's like not
• 1:20:33
  Speaker 2: the same as what we're doing up here? Dana White
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 2: does this thing. Tony's like sitting there and. And then,
• 1:20:39
  Speaker 2: you know, people know who he is, obviously, but at
• 1:20:42
  Speaker 2: that event, maybe not as much.
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 2: But he owned that fucking room within seconds. And it
• 1:20:46
  Speaker 2: just starts out slow. You know, it's like, good joke here. Oh,
• 1:20:49
  Speaker 2: this guy knows how to write a joke. Oh, that
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 2: one was fucking good, too. And then the crescendo of, like,
• 1:20:54
  Speaker 2: as soon as he gets to the comedians and starts
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 2: going down the line at us, I really felt like
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 2: I was watching a rock star. Like, it felt like.
• 1:21:01
  Speaker 2: a musical performance to me. I told him that I'm like,
• 1:21:03
  Speaker 2: it was rockstar levels of good, like just walking while roasting.
• 1:21:07
  Speaker 2: And he told me like, he almost, he, when he
• 1:21:09
  Speaker 2: was delivering the last one about the, I forget.
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 1: Rodney King. Yes.
• 1:21:13
  Speaker 2: The King one. That was just a perfect, lyrically perfect joke. Um,
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 2: he said he almost fell off the stage. He felt
• 1:21:20
  Speaker 2: his shoe. Like, like he had one of those moments
• 1:21:21
  Speaker 2: of what if I would have fallen during that? Like
• 1:21:23
  Speaker 2: it would have ruined. I mean, that would have been
• 1:21:25
  Speaker 2: the worst thing ever, but that almost happened. Like, Um,
• 1:21:28
  Speaker 2: but he, he fucking killed. I was, he's he, yeah,
• 1:21:32
  Speaker 2: I saw him the other night and we both know
• 1:21:34
  Speaker 2: what we're each other going through this week of like
• 1:21:36
  Speaker 2: people knew of us before on a big level that
• 1:21:39
  Speaker 2: I would have never expected before my career, but it's
• 1:21:41
  Speaker 2: like next level now. And we're both like, you're feeling
• 1:21:44
  Speaker 2: this too. Like it's a big deal for, yeah, it's
• 1:21:46
  Speaker 2: really cool.
• 1:21:47
  Speaker 1: So this is, do you feel like this is kind
• 1:21:48
  Speaker 1: of like a new level in your career? Yes. Let's go, dude.
• 1:21:53
  Speaker 2: Dude, I'm not being modest about it because it's just undeniable.
• 1:21:57
  Speaker 2: I don't get recognized this much. I don't have people saying,
• 1:22:03
  Speaker 2: I heard someone talking about you. They don't even know
• 1:22:06
  Speaker 2: I know you. That's happened a lot. A hundred times.
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 2: This is a cultural event. I didn't know it was
• 1:22:12
  Speaker 2: going to– it's really bigger than anything I could ever
• 1:22:16
  Speaker 2: have done in my career. It will never be a
• 1:22:17
  Speaker 2: bigger moment in my career than this, even if I
• 1:22:19
  Speaker 2: become way bigger. Nothing this, like, big.
• 1:22:23
  Speaker 1: You look a little bit like Kylie Minogue. People tell
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 1: you that?
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 2: No, that's– thank you. What's that– what's the song she sang?
• 1:22:32
  Speaker 1: A lot of Down syndrome people listen to her.
• 1:22:33
  Speaker 2: Oh, your boy is all I think about. I just
• 1:22:36
  Speaker 2: can't get you out of my head.
• 1:22:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you. Yeah.
• 1:22:42
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, I see it.
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 1: Very pretty.
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 1:22:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there was something about this. And I think also
• 1:22:49
  Speaker 1: it's the Tom Brady effect, too. I think Tom Brady
• 1:22:52
  Speaker 1: was always kept so from the public in a lot
• 1:22:55
  Speaker 1: of ways. He was around, but he was always a...
• 1:23:00
  Speaker 1: You know, he was always seemed like a safe guy,
• 1:23:02
  Speaker 1: you know, a family man, you know, who tried as
• 1:23:06
  Speaker 1: hard as he could to keep it together, tried to
• 1:23:08
  Speaker 1: keep things on his own terms.
• 1:23:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:23:10
  Speaker 1: And even this just blew it open. Yeah. And this
• 1:23:14
  Speaker 1: just blew it. I'm curious to see what it'll be
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 1: like now. After the show, what's it like when it ends?
• 1:23:20
  Speaker 1: Are there like. I cannot go look him in the
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 1: face right now. There's some people I can't see.
• 1:23:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, I don't need to say anything
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 2: to him. He doesn't need to hear from me again.
• 1:23:28
  Speaker 2: Everyone's going to run up to him. I already hugged
• 1:23:30
  Speaker 2: him afterwards. He was very nice. I don't need to
• 1:23:32
  Speaker 2: bug him. If I run into him, great, but I
• 1:23:36
  Speaker 2: just went and found my parents. They were there, so
• 1:23:38
  Speaker 2: I was just meandered off the stage.
• 1:23:40
  Speaker 1: You didn't DM him or anything?
• 1:23:41
  Speaker 2: No. I saw him on the way out. I was
• 1:23:43
  Speaker 2: walking back to my dressing room, and he was leaving.
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 2: and I just said, Tom, thank you so much, like
• 1:23:48
  Speaker 2: real quick, because I really.
• 1:23:49
  Speaker 1: Don't want to fuck him.
• 1:23:52
  Speaker 2: At that point, I knew we're not going to be friends.
• 1:23:55
  Speaker 2: There is a vibe that you can feel. With Alec
• 1:23:57
  Speaker 2: Baldwin at his roast, I became friends with him after that,
• 1:24:00
  Speaker 2: or friendly. He knows who I am. He was endeared
• 1:24:03
  Speaker 2: to me. But Tom, I could just tell, was like,
• 1:24:05
  Speaker 2: this is a one and done. I wasn't trying to
• 1:24:07
  Speaker 2: fuck him, but there's not going to be other, he's
• 1:24:10
  Speaker 2: not going to be like, oh, you should come to
• 1:24:11
  Speaker 2: my parties or something.
• 1:24:12
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 1:24:13
  Speaker 2: So I said thank you, and he said, thank you
• 1:24:15
  Speaker 2: so much. You did great. Good luck with everything, which
• 1:24:18
  Speaker 2: is kind of like, you'll never talk to me again.
• 1:24:20
  Speaker 2: Have a nice life.
• 1:24:21
  Speaker 1: We never have to see each other again.
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I understand it. That's how I feel too, probably,
• 1:24:26
  Speaker 2: in his shoes. But yeah, that was it. But afterwards,
• 1:24:29
  Speaker 2: it's just like, you know.
• 1:24:30
  Speaker 1: Was there a big party after?
• 1:24:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there was a party.
• 1:24:32
  Speaker 1: Was it fun?
• 1:24:33
  Speaker 2: At the Forum Club. Yeah, it was fun. My parents
• 1:24:35
  Speaker 2: were there, so I was kind of like hanging with them,
• 1:24:38
  Speaker 2: and it was just starting to feel like a little
• 1:24:40
  Speaker 2: overwhelming of, something big just happened in my life. And
• 1:24:44
  Speaker 2: so it was starting to feel a little bit anxiety about,
• 1:24:47
  Speaker 2: I was trying to process like, was that good? Did
• 1:24:50
  Speaker 2: I go too hard? What, what did I, what did
• 1:24:51
  Speaker 2: it look like? I don't know anything. So it was,
• 1:24:53
  Speaker 2: I just kind of wanted to get out of there.
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 2: And I had to be on Howard Stern at three
• 1:24:56
  Speaker 2: in the morning. I had to go get up for
• 1:24:58
  Speaker 2: hair and makeup. So it was like finished at 10.
• 1:25:02
  Speaker 1: It was in New York or– oh, it was L.A. L.A.,
• 1:25:03
  Speaker 1: but I had to be– Stern Tape's out here. You
• 1:25:05
  Speaker 1: had to fly over there.
• 1:25:06
  Speaker 2: I did a remote from here, but I had to
• 1:25:08
  Speaker 2: be up for hair and makeup at 3 in the morning.
• 1:25:09
  Speaker 2: I was like, can I just, like, stay in this?
• 1:25:10
  Speaker 2: But I had to do a new look because that's
• 1:25:12
  Speaker 2: the way it works. But, yeah, so I was kind
• 1:25:14
  Speaker 2: of like, what's next? And then I had Jimmy Kimmel
• 1:25:16
  Speaker 2: the next day. So you just go into, like– now
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 2: I have to, like, keep doing this again and again
• 1:25:20
  Speaker 2: and killing this hard and being this prepared, which is
• 1:25:22
  Speaker 2: just impossible because I don't have.
• 1:25:25
  Speaker 1: Because I think– well, the– you don't have to do–
• 1:25:28
  Speaker 1: continually do more because, yeah, you could burn yourself out.
• 1:25:31
  Speaker 1: It's unrealistic. You know, I'm just trying to think of
• 1:25:35
  Speaker 1: how everybody can kind of relate to that when something
• 1:25:37
  Speaker 1: kind of goes good or it seems like you level
• 1:25:40
  Speaker 1: up in some way. Yeah. How to manage that. Or
• 1:25:43
  Speaker 1: is there anything really to manage at all? And part
• 1:25:45
  Speaker 1: of that is just a mirage.
• 1:25:47
  Speaker 2: Well, it's like getting a new car and you think
• 1:25:49
  Speaker 2: it's going to stay new forever. There's a delusion that
• 1:25:51
  Speaker 2: you have of like, I can just keep it this
• 1:25:53
  Speaker 2: new forever. It'll smell this way. Yeah. The leather will
• 1:25:56
  Speaker 2: look this shiny. Like, And it just doesn't, you can't.
• 1:26:00
  Speaker 2: Like you can with a lot of hard work, but
• 1:26:01
  Speaker 2: you just aren't going to do that. Most people don't
• 1:26:03
  Speaker 2: keep new cars looking good. I think that's how I
• 1:26:05
  Speaker 2: would relate it to people who don't maybe have that.
• 1:26:07
  Speaker 2: Like the way I feel about a new car, I'm like, okay,
• 1:26:10
  Speaker 2: this is who I am now. I'm this new car lady.
• 1:26:13
  Speaker 1: I'm a Mazda owner.
• 1:26:14
  Speaker 2: I feel so much better about myself being in this
• 1:26:16
  Speaker 2: new car. I can maintain this. And you just, you can.
• 1:26:19
  Speaker 2: You definitely can. You can keep a car looking new.
• 1:26:21
  Speaker 1: But two days later, you're smoking menthols in it.
• 1:26:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're like, I'll just have one cigarette and I
• 1:26:25
  Speaker 2: won't ever do this regularly.
• 1:26:26
  Speaker 1: And I'll keep my hand way out when I smoke
• 1:26:28
  Speaker 1: and then you're fucking eating it.
• 1:26:29
  Speaker 2: But then an ash goes, burns the seat, and then
• 1:26:31
  Speaker 2: it's game over.
• 1:26:32
  Speaker 1: You're eating M & Ms in it. You're yelling queers
• 1:26:34
  Speaker 1: out the window of it.
• 1:26:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm putting on makeup. Bronzer's going everywhere. Yeah, you're
• 1:26:38
  Speaker 2: yelling queers. Queer out the window.
• 1:26:41
  Speaker 1: Well, sorry. Yeah, but you were in Clifton, New Jersey.
• 1:26:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:26:44
  Speaker 1: It's not like you're just anywhere. Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:26:47
  Speaker 2: And that is what queer people like to be called queer.
• 1:26:50
  Speaker 2: That they are queer.
• 1:26:51
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 1:26:52
  Speaker 2: It's a term they embrace.
• 1:26:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Beautiful queers a lot of times who yell.
• 1:26:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I don't know that even though they embrace the term,
• 1:26:58
  Speaker 2: they don't want it shouted at them. But maybe.
• 1:27:02
  Speaker 1: No, you got to get out more. Yeah.
• 1:27:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:27:08
  Speaker 1: Who was missing on the dais up there? Who was
• 1:27:10
  Speaker 1: missing on the roast? Were there any roasters? Who's your
• 1:27:13
  Speaker 1: Mount Roast more?
• 1:27:15
  Speaker 2: Geraldo. Obviously, that feels like he's missing from there. Someone
• 1:27:21
  Speaker 2: who's just speaking from the heart in a very personal place.
• 1:27:28
  Speaker 2: I watched a lot of Geraldo to prepare for this.
• 1:27:30
  Speaker 2: What is my actual take on these people? I think
• 1:27:32
  Speaker 2: we always remember Geraldo at the roast. Some like... It
• 1:27:35
  Speaker 2: was like Larry the Cable Guy and he just at
• 1:27:37
  Speaker 2: one point just breaks and is like, why are you
• 1:27:39
  Speaker 2: so famous? Like he just can't take it. It's not even,
• 1:27:42
  Speaker 2: it seems like it's not part of the set. I
• 1:27:43
  Speaker 2: don't think it was. And that is like a moment
• 1:27:45
  Speaker 2: that I really liked and was like, okay, I'd like
• 1:27:48
  Speaker 2: to recreate that. Like how do I actually feel about
• 1:27:50
  Speaker 2: this person? What's my personal frustration with them? I'm trying
• 1:27:53
  Speaker 2: to think who else you miss. Like Elisa Lampanelli who's
• 1:27:56
  Speaker 2: more of like a just boom, boom, boom and like
• 1:27:59
  Speaker 2: can say some really sick, twisted, racist, sexist, homophobic shit
• 1:28:05
  Speaker 2: and get away with it. Like just a sharpshooter like that.
• 1:28:07
  Speaker 1: I can't believe she wasn't there.
• 1:28:08
  Speaker 2: She quit comedy.
• 1:28:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, she quit?
• 1:28:09
  Speaker 2: She doesn't do standup anymore. She was like, it's too mean.
• 1:28:12
  Speaker 2: It's not who I am anymore. And she was like
• 1:28:14
  Speaker 2: the queen of mean. That was literally her moniker. And like,
• 1:28:17
  Speaker 2: going to a Lisa Lampanelli show early in my career,
• 1:28:19
  Speaker 2: there was no one better.
• 1:28:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she called me out one time in the audience. Yeah,
• 1:28:23
  Speaker 1: I wasn't even a comedian yet. And she made fun
• 1:28:25
  Speaker 1: of me. I was just sitting in like the back corner.
• 1:28:27
  Speaker 2: So you've seen, you've witnessed it. She was amazing. And
• 1:28:30
  Speaker 2: she was just like, no, I don't want to do
• 1:28:31
  Speaker 2: this anymore. She does like self-help stuff. She still like performs.
• 1:28:34
  Speaker 1: Well, she lost all that weight. I wonder if that
• 1:28:35
  Speaker 1: changed some of her mindset in her life.
• 1:28:37
  Speaker 2: Probably. Yeah. She, yeah, she quit and comedy. And now
• 1:28:40
  Speaker 2: she just does, like, she does, like, weight loss seminars
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 2: and stuff.
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, good for her.
• 1:28:45
  Speaker 2: So she just wants to help people. Wow. Which is
• 1:28:47
  Speaker 2: something I could see either both you and me getting into, like,
• 1:28:50
  Speaker 2: of just, like, empowering people. You know, you watch these
• 1:28:54
  Speaker 2: TED Talks and these TikToks of people just, like, telling people, like,
• 1:28:57
  Speaker 2: how to live a better life. And I'm like, oh,
• 1:28:58
  Speaker 2: I could see myself there. veering into that.
• 1:29:01
  Speaker 1: Being a life coach or something like that?
• 1:29:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, being inspirational. Maybe not a life coach, but yeah,
• 1:29:05
  Speaker 2: just teaching people how to like themselves more. Not necessarily
• 1:29:07
  Speaker 2: being good at it myself, but seeing how other people
• 1:29:09
  Speaker 2: could and just knowing the tools to get there. Not
• 1:29:12
  Speaker 2: that I'm necessarily picking up those tools.
• 1:29:15
  Speaker 1: Right, but sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else,
• 1:29:18
  Speaker 1: even if they can't see it in themselves or adjust
• 1:29:21
  Speaker 1: that for themselves. It doesn't mean that they're not still
• 1:29:23
  Speaker 1: a good... Like, you could be a good painter, but
• 1:29:26
  Speaker 1: you may not know your own colors or whatever.
• 1:29:28
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, I used to, as a kid, I
• 1:29:30
  Speaker 2: remember watching gymnastics coaches, like, yell at the gym, these
• 1:29:33
  Speaker 2: little girls, like, you're doing it wrong, carry strong. Yeah, like,
• 1:29:36
  Speaker 2: Bella Caroli. And I'd be like, you get up on
• 1:29:38
  Speaker 2: that fucking beam, you asshole.
• 1:29:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:29:40
  Speaker 2: He can't do any of that shit, but he's good
• 1:29:41
  Speaker 2: at coaching. So it's just like, that's the kind of thing.
• 1:29:44
  Speaker 2: And I don't even feel like my therapist needs, I
• 1:29:47
  Speaker 2: don't need my therapist to have, like, a great, full,
• 1:29:49
  Speaker 2: perfect life that I want. I feel like they can, they're.
• 1:29:52
  Speaker 1: Usually so fucked up. Yeah, I don't need my therapist
• 1:29:53
  Speaker 1: to have a bad life. A round off back handspring either.
• 1:29:57
  Speaker 4: Exactly.
• 1:29:58
  Speaker 2: I don't need them to be perfect. I think you
• 1:30:01
  Speaker 2: can dish it out without really doing it yourself. It's
• 1:30:03
  Speaker 2: hard to do it yourself.
• 1:30:05
  Speaker 1: Well, being alive is tricky, dude. Some people have wieners.
• 1:30:08
  Speaker 1: Some people have vaginas. Yeah.
• 1:30:10
  Speaker 2: Some people have both.
• 1:30:12
  Speaker 1: Some people have both now. Imagine that.
• 1:30:14
  Speaker 2: I don't think now. I don't think it's just getting
• 1:30:16
  Speaker 2: built on. That's an interesting thing. I haven't heard about
• 1:30:18
  Speaker 2: gender reassignment where they want to become a hermaphrodite. Where
• 1:30:21
  Speaker 2: they're like, I want both. Don't get rid of my vagina.
• 1:30:23
  Speaker 2: Let's just add on a dick next to it.
• 1:30:26
  Speaker 1: Well, how many people are born, are more people born,
• 1:30:29
  Speaker 1: can you be born trans? Yes.
• 1:30:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:30:31
  Speaker 1: So you're born with both genitalia. No, no, no, no.
• 1:30:34
  Speaker 2: Trans don't have both genitalia. People post-op trans have what
• 1:30:38
  Speaker 2: they wanted. They got rid of the last one. The
• 1:30:41
  Speaker 2: penis is turned into a vagina. Vagina is turned into
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 2: a penis. But you're born trans. And then you can be,
• 1:30:47
  Speaker 2: I don't know the exact terminology, but yeah. Yeah, intersex
• 1:30:50
  Speaker 2: are born with both sex characteristics. 1.7% of the population
• 1:30:54
  Speaker 2: are born with intersex traits, but not genitalia.
• 1:30:58
  Speaker 1: Jesus.
• 1:30:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that checks out.
• 1:31:01
  Speaker 1: So, what does that mean? People are born with both?
• 1:31:03
  Speaker 2: People are born with both.
• 1:31:04
  Speaker 1: 1.7%? No, they're not.
• 1:31:06
  Speaker 2: They said traits. That means, like, maybe, like, more, like, titties.
• 1:31:10
  Speaker 1: Right. Okay, bigger breasts, maybe. Yeah.
• 1:31:12
  Speaker 2: Big hips or something.
• 1:31:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, longer lashes. Oh, dang.
• 1:31:16
  Speaker 2: Oh, they look so good on men.
• 1:31:18
  Speaker 1: Long lashes. Martin, you have long lashes, Martin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:31:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so.
• 1:31:22
  Speaker 1: What about when women learn to masturbate? When does that
• 1:31:29
  Speaker 1: kind of happen for women? Because guys talk about it
• 1:31:32
  Speaker 1: a lot. Like, you know, I'm in these meetings and
• 1:31:35
  Speaker 1: people are always talking about it. And I'm like, when
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 1: do women learn about it?
• 1:31:39
  Speaker 2: I was so mad at my friends because all of
• 1:31:42
  Speaker 2: my friends in high school were doing it. Some in
• 1:31:43
  Speaker 2: middle school.
• 1:31:44
  Speaker 1: Didn't tell you?
• 1:31:44
  Speaker 2: Some even earlier. We didn't talk about it. We talked
• 1:31:46
  Speaker 2: about everything. They didn't tell me about it. So I
• 1:31:48
  Speaker 2: didn't know about it.
• 1:31:49
  Speaker 1: What were you doing? Just reading or whatever?
• 1:31:51
  Speaker 2: I didn't even do that. I would never. I was not.
• 1:31:54
  Speaker 2: I was definitely horny in high school. It started late
• 1:31:56
  Speaker 2: for me, but it happened. And I didn't know what
• 1:31:59
  Speaker 2: to do with it. I would like, you know, if
• 1:32:01
  Speaker 2: I had an itch down there, I'd itch it. And
• 1:32:02
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, oh, that kind of feels good. But
• 1:32:04
  Speaker 2: I would never follow through. And it wasn't because I
• 1:32:06
  Speaker 2: was like, God's watching. I just didn't know. what to
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 2: do I would never I know like penises go in
• 1:32:11
  Speaker 2: you at some point but I would never think to
• 1:32:13
  Speaker 2: put something in me I was not sexually driven in
• 1:32:15
  Speaker 2: that way but all my friends figured out on their
• 1:32:17
  Speaker 2: own we were all doing they were all doing it
• 1:32:19
  Speaker 2: individually not talking about it with each other and not
• 1:32:21
  Speaker 2: talking about it with me either I would have 100%
• 1:32:23
  Speaker 2: done it but once I found out it was a
• 1:32:25
  Speaker 2: thing I started doing it yeah once it became I
• 1:32:28
  Speaker 2: was an adult but that was the only way I
• 1:32:30
  Speaker 2: had to have information first.
• 1:32:31
  Speaker 1: Does it add wear and tear I feel like to
• 1:32:33
  Speaker 1: the vagina over the long.
• 1:32:34
  Speaker 2: Term yeah I mean mine the way I do it
• 1:32:36
  Speaker 2: does really Just not wear and tear, but like, you know, people,
• 1:32:42
  Speaker 2: this is not good. People always think all I do
• 1:32:44
  Speaker 2: is talk about sex, but I just, I feel comfortable
• 1:32:47
  Speaker 2: talking about it openly. I think it is interesting. I
• 1:32:50
  Speaker 2: use like the Hitachi wand.
• 1:32:51
  Speaker 1: Oh my God. Is that a real, like, is it
• 1:32:53
  Speaker 1: like a DeWalt or whatever?
• 1:32:54
  Speaker 2: You can look it up. Hitachi wand. You've seen it before.
• 1:32:57
  Speaker 2: It's like the classic, it's like in porn. It's like,
• 1:33:00
  Speaker 2: it's like a back massager looking thing. It's like, it
• 1:33:02
  Speaker 2: looks like almost a big white mic.
• 1:33:04
  Speaker 1: I think a beaten egg, huh? That thing is.
• 1:33:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. And so I put that
• 1:33:09
  Speaker 2: in the front. You know, you don't put it in you.
• 1:33:11
  Speaker 1: You can, I guess.
• 1:33:12
  Speaker 2: But that's– I pretty much always use that. And that–
• 1:33:16
  Speaker 2: because it's– the vibrations, like, will make things sometimes swell,
• 1:33:19
  Speaker 2: I guess. So I can get kind of swollen down
• 1:33:22
  Speaker 2: there if I go too hard. But that's what I
• 1:33:24
  Speaker 2: mean by beat up. It's not like it's, like, leaves
• 1:33:26
  Speaker 2: permanent damage or something. But, yeah, you've seen those before, right?
• 1:33:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've seen something like that. I think also– You should.
• 1:33:32
  Speaker 2: They're amazing. Everyone should have one.
• 1:33:34
  Speaker 1: Waterpik makes that, too, don't they? What's that company called?
• 1:33:37
  Speaker 2: Oh, Waterpik would– be too intense, but I'm sure that
• 1:33:41
  Speaker 2: that would work. If I was on the road and
• 1:33:43
  Speaker 2: didn't have anything and I was really horny, I absolutely
• 1:33:45
  Speaker 2: would probably try a water pick.
• 1:33:47
  Speaker 1: We need more of it in the community, gals. Get
• 1:33:49
  Speaker 1: out there.
• 1:33:50
  Speaker 2: I would really recommend blowing people instead of having sex
• 1:33:53
  Speaker 2: with them because you can't get pregnant. I know sometimes
• 1:33:57
  Speaker 2: having sex as a woman, you go, that's... That's less
• 1:34:00
  Speaker 2: scary because women are scared of being judged after sex.
• 1:34:04
  Speaker 2: Like when you're young especially, like a guy's going to
• 1:34:06
  Speaker 2: think I'm bad at sucking dick and so you avoid it.
• 1:34:09
  Speaker 2: That's what I did. And so I would have sex
• 1:34:10
  Speaker 2: before I gave a blowjob because I just wanted.
• 1:34:12
  Speaker 1: To do– And what do you mean by dick? You're
• 1:34:13
  Speaker 1: talking about winging her.
• 1:34:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:34:15
  Speaker 2: And I thought that I would be judged. And so
• 1:34:18
  Speaker 2: I had so much more sex than I should have
• 1:34:20
  Speaker 2: because I was just avoiding doing this thing that I
• 1:34:21
  Speaker 2: thought was high risk. But really the high risk was–
• 1:34:24
  Speaker 2: almost getting pregnant.
• 1:34:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah. You should have been blowing people.
• 1:34:27
  Speaker 2: Definitely.
• 1:34:28
  Speaker 1: If you could go back in time.
• 1:34:30
  Speaker 2: I would teach my daughter about blowjobs and say, this
• 1:34:32
  Speaker 2: is how you do it. If you're interested in boys teacher.
• 1:34:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:34:34
  Speaker 2: I would, if I was starting to be sexually active
• 1:34:37
  Speaker 2: when I just sensed like she's dressing in a way
• 1:34:39
  Speaker 2: that she's like, boys are liking her and she's hanging
• 1:34:41
  Speaker 2: out with boys. I'd be like, listen.
• 1:34:42
  Speaker 1: Listen in a slipknot or whatever. They're going to want
• 1:34:44
  Speaker 1: to have.
• 1:34:44
  Speaker 2: Sex with you, but if you want to get– I
• 1:34:46
  Speaker 2: don't think you should, but I would recommend a handjob.
• 1:34:50
  Speaker 2: Do that. And I'm not going to teach you how,
• 1:34:52
  Speaker 2: but do your research. Handjobs are where it's at. That's
• 1:34:55
  Speaker 2: what they want anyway.
• 1:34:56
  Speaker 1: In Native American cultures, a lot of the older sibling
• 1:34:58
  Speaker 1: will go out into the woods and teach the younger
• 1:35:01
  Speaker 1: sibling how to masturbate. So there's not as much shame
• 1:35:04
  Speaker 1: with it because then it's like something you learn. You
• 1:35:06
  Speaker 1: know someone else did. Yeah. I do it like my
• 1:35:09
  Speaker 1: brother did it. He did it like my grandfather did it.
• 1:35:11
  Speaker 1: Like we've all, this is how we do it, you know?
• 1:35:15
  Speaker 1: And so it's like you at least can have your own,
• 1:35:18
  Speaker 1: not style of it, but it's like, then it's not
• 1:35:20
  Speaker 1: something that's taboo because I remember, yeah, I remember jerking
• 1:35:24
  Speaker 1: off or whatever and then just being like, oh my God, dude,
• 1:35:28
  Speaker 1: I'm such a weirdo. God hates me. People think I'm,
• 1:35:32
  Speaker 1: Everybody knows I remember thinking that, even though nobody knew.
• 1:35:35
  Speaker 1: I thought everybody knew that I'd been jerking off because, like,
• 1:35:38
  Speaker 1: the way I was, like, moving or something.
• 1:35:40
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes.
• 1:35:40
  Speaker 1: And I'd be like, damn, I'm walking like I've been
• 1:35:42
  Speaker 1: jerking off, you know? Yeah. And so I think I
• 1:35:44
  Speaker 1: was always paranoid. And if people would be like, hey,
• 1:35:47
  Speaker 1: what's going on? And I'd be like, you know I've.
• 1:35:48
  Speaker 2: Been jerking off. Oh, my God. The shame that people
• 1:35:51
  Speaker 2: carry with them for so long.
• 1:35:53
  Speaker 1: So much shame, dude.
• 1:35:53
  Speaker 2: So much shame that just stays with you even after you, like,
• 1:35:56
  Speaker 2: kind of are like, oh, it's not that bad. It's
• 1:35:58
  Speaker 2: like you can't erase it.
• 1:35:59
  Speaker 1: Speaking of that– What else did I just see in
• 1:36:03
  Speaker 1: the news? Oh, the Boy Scouts are changing their name.
• 1:36:06
  Speaker 1: Did you see that, Nick?
• 1:36:08
  Speaker 2: To the Scouts or something?
• 1:36:09
  Speaker 1: There we go. Boy Scouts of America changing name to
• 1:36:14
  Speaker 1: more inclusive Scouting America after years of woes.
• 1:36:19
  Speaker 2: Are the years of woes about the gender thing or
• 1:36:22
  Speaker 2: just that they were molesting boys nonstop and they just
• 1:36:25
  Speaker 2: want to get boys out of the title to make
• 1:36:26
  Speaker 2: people not think about boys? Is this like a woke
• 1:36:29
  Speaker 2: thing of like boys or is this about molestation and
• 1:36:33
  Speaker 2: wanting to get away from that?
• 1:36:34
  Speaker 1: There's no doubt the Catholic Church will pick the name
• 1:36:36
  Speaker 1: up immediately probably. They should just call themselves the Boy
• 1:36:42
  Speaker 1: Scouts of America.
• 1:36:45
  Speaker 2: The Catholic– Roman Catholic Church.
• 1:36:47
  Speaker 1: The Boy Scouts of America announced that after 114 years
• 1:36:51
  Speaker 1: that it will change its name and will become Scouting America.
• 1:36:54
  Speaker 2: Great.
• 1:36:54
  Speaker 1: In an effort to emphasize inclusion.
• 1:36:56
  Speaker 2: So it is about inclusion.
• 1:36:58
  Speaker 1: As it works to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy
• 1:37:00
  Speaker 1: and a flood of sexual abuse crimes.
• 1:37:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's both. I really think it's both. Boy
• 1:37:04
  Speaker 2: Scouts is just– it's a.
• 1:37:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they've just– yeah.
• 1:37:08
  Speaker 2: They're so associated with diddling boys that it's like let's
• 1:37:12
  Speaker 2: get away from that name. We're a punchline. They are.
• 1:37:15
  Speaker 2: So scouting America, I like it. I think it's a
• 1:37:17
  Speaker 2: good move.
• 1:37:18
  Speaker 1: The crazy thing is nobody apparently can hang out with
• 1:37:20
  Speaker 1: a bunch of boys without molesting one of them.
• 1:37:23
  Speaker 2: Well, it's just that people who are pedophiles find ways
• 1:37:27
  Speaker 2: to hang out with boys, so that's a job that
• 1:37:29
  Speaker 2: a pedophile would get into.
• 1:37:30
  Speaker 1: Dude, we had this guy Richard Langenstein, right? And he
• 1:37:33
  Speaker 1: is DEAD now. But he had an autographed Shaquille O'Neal shoe,
• 1:37:41
  Speaker 1: like a big shoe, and he would always use that
• 1:37:43
  Speaker 1: to entice boys in. And then try and pervert them
• 1:37:48
  Speaker 1: or get them to, you know, just be perverted or whatever.
• 1:37:52
  Speaker 2: Wait, who is this? You had a guy. What does
• 1:37:54
  Speaker 2: that mean, you had a guy? At first I thought
• 1:37:56
  Speaker 2: you were like, we had a guest on the show. No,
• 1:37:59
  Speaker 2: as a.
• 1:37:59
  Speaker 1: Child in our town.
• 1:37:59
  Speaker 2: In our town, yeah.
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 1: A school teacher.
• 1:38:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they haven't been in.
• 1:38:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:38:03
  Speaker 2: It's not crazy.
• 1:38:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like, come look at this big sneaker, you know,
• 1:38:05
  Speaker 1: and you'd be over there and then he would.
• 1:38:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:38:07
  Speaker 1: Order a couple of.
• 1:38:09
  Speaker 2: They have like video games.
• 1:38:11
  Speaker 1: Filet steaks or whatever. Yeah. Baked potatoes and shit.
• 1:38:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah. They have their shifty ways.
• 1:38:16
  Speaker 1: People are getting molested. Yeah.
• 1:38:18
  Speaker 2: They have to reel you in. It's like the guy.
• 1:38:19
  Speaker 2: The classic one is just like a man in a
• 1:38:21
  Speaker 2: van with candy. But it's like they find another way
• 1:38:24
  Speaker 2: of like having kids stuff. Arcade games. Signed shoes. Like
• 1:38:28
  Speaker 2: any of that shit. Like look.
• 1:38:30
  Speaker 4: Out.
• 1:38:30
  Speaker 2: If a guy in your son's life has a lot
• 1:38:32
  Speaker 2: of memorabilia that 14, you know, 12, 11, 12 year
• 1:38:36
  Speaker 2: old boys enjoy. It's not because he's he's just in
• 1:38:40
  Speaker 2: touch with his, you know, boyhood side. That could be it.
• 1:38:43
  Speaker 2: But if he's interested in your son coming over to
• 1:38:44
  Speaker 2: hang out that I would say 90 percent chance that
• 1:38:47
  Speaker 2: person's trying to fuck your son.
• 1:38:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and parents would be like, yeah, go. He's a
• 1:38:51
  Speaker 1: nice guy. He's a teacher. Yeah. And at first I'd
• 1:38:53
  Speaker 1: go over there with my girlfriend, you know, and we
• 1:38:55
  Speaker 1: would just be like nice people over there. And then
• 1:38:58
  Speaker 1: he kept having my buddies come over and we would
• 1:39:01
  Speaker 1: all get stoned with him. He used to smoke a
• 1:39:02
  Speaker 1: lot of dope.
• 1:39:03
  Speaker 4: Oh, my God.
• 1:39:03
  Speaker 1: And then he would like– Oh, he would say things
• 1:39:06
  Speaker 1: that was real perverted, you know.
• 1:39:08
  Speaker 2: Yes, testing. It's like they just have– they have– they
• 1:39:12
  Speaker 2: all follow the same playbook. It's pretty like evident when
• 1:39:15
  Speaker 2: you start paying attention and know about it.
• 1:39:17
  Speaker 1: And my buddy put lotion on his back one time
• 1:39:19
  Speaker 1: cause he had like, um, what's it called when your
• 1:39:21
  Speaker 1: skin kind of comes off a little? He had psoriasis.
• 1:39:24
  Speaker 2: Eczema. Yeah.
• 1:39:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. That's, I mean, and my buddy Nathan puts, put,
• 1:39:29
  Speaker 1: put lotion on his back and he was short too.
• 1:39:31
  Speaker 1: So we had to like even reach up to do it,
• 1:39:32
  Speaker 1: which was fucking gay as hell. And, um, but one
• 1:39:37
  Speaker 1: time we were in the kitchen and I've told this
• 1:39:39
  Speaker 1: story before and my buddy Scott was in the, uh,
• 1:39:42
  Speaker 1: living room and uh big richard had ordered us a
• 1:39:45
  Speaker 1: couple uh filet steaks of course and we never even
• 1:39:49
  Speaker 1: had steaks dude so we were fucking losing our minds
• 1:39:53
  Speaker 1: dude the parsley was in there we're like what the
• 1:39:56
  Speaker 1: fuck you know and um and my buddy scott i
• 1:39:59
  Speaker 1: was like uh he goes hey can you get me
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 1: some sour cream he just yelled from the living room
• 1:40:04
  Speaker 1: and i was in the kitchen and i said no
• 1:40:06
  Speaker 1: but you can have some of this sweet cream i
• 1:40:08
  Speaker 1: was just joking about.
• 1:40:09
  Speaker 2: Semen Yeah, I bet Richard liked that.
• 1:40:12
  Speaker 1: And then you heard Richard go, can I have some?
• 1:40:16
  Speaker 1: And all of our heads, you could feel like a
• 1:40:20
  Speaker 1: secondhand tit to the next, in all of our heads.
• 1:40:23
  Speaker 1: And we're like, we, somebody's getting molested. Not it.
• 1:40:27
  Speaker 2: None of us are getting out of here.
• 1:40:29
  Speaker 1: Not it.
• 1:40:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, not it. We'll finish the steak first. But I'm out.
• 1:40:35
  Speaker 1: It just breaks my heart that that's the kind of thing.
• 1:40:37
  Speaker 2: That happens. It's happening right now. Somewhere. Hundreds, thousands of
• 1:40:40
  Speaker 2: places is that kind of like grooming, as they say,
• 1:40:45
  Speaker 2: which is just, it's disgusting. But that's why you got
• 1:40:47
  Speaker 2: to talk about it so people that have kids can
• 1:40:49
  Speaker 2: be on alert for the stuff because you're not a
• 1:40:51
  Speaker 2: bad parent if you miss it. Like I think some,
• 1:40:53
  Speaker 2: because these guys.
• 1:40:53
  Speaker 1: Are so fucking sneaky. Right, but if you don't talk
• 1:40:54
  Speaker 1: about it with your kid, yeah.
• 1:40:55
  Speaker 2: You have to talk If I had kids, I would
• 1:40:57
  Speaker 2: tell if anyone ever. The big thing I think parents
• 1:41:01
  Speaker 2: need to know from what I've learned about pedophiles and
• 1:41:03
  Speaker 2: how they operate is that they do what they do.
• 1:41:04
  Speaker 2: Then they tell the kid, if you tell anyone, your
• 1:41:07
  Speaker 2: parents will hate you forever and they'll or I'll kill
• 1:41:10
  Speaker 2: your parents like you'll lose your parents in some way.
• 1:41:13
  Speaker 2: And they believe them because they've already had the secret
• 1:41:16
  Speaker 2: thing that's going on with this guy. You just need
• 1:41:18
  Speaker 2: to tell your kids, if anyone ever says they can
• 1:41:20
  Speaker 2: kill mommy or kill daddy or that we won't love you,
• 1:41:23
  Speaker 2: just know they're lying. Like, cement that in your kid's
• 1:41:26
  Speaker 2: head that no matter who it is, no one can
• 1:41:28
  Speaker 2: kill mommy. And maybe that's a bad thing to tell them.
• 1:41:29
  Speaker 1: Right, but no, it's not. You've got to put that
• 1:41:31
  Speaker 1: kind of stuff. Because, yeah, we didn't know anything.
• 1:41:34
  Speaker 2: That's what they use against the kids. And that will
• 1:41:36
  Speaker 2: keep a kid from telling even the most apparent that says,
• 1:41:39
  Speaker 2: tell mommy if someone touches you in your bathing suit area.
• 1:41:41
  Speaker 2: That's not enough. You need to say if someone tells
• 1:41:43
  Speaker 2: you that I will not love you or that I
• 1:41:45
  Speaker 2: will– they will kill me if you tell me, it's
• 1:41:47
  Speaker 2: not true. Right. That's what you got to do, I think.
• 1:41:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I think you got to– people have to
• 1:41:51
  Speaker 1: communicate to their parents, to their children about everything. Like
• 1:41:55
  Speaker 1: if your kids aren't getting along, if they don't love
• 1:41:57
  Speaker 1: each other, like you got to teach them how to
• 1:41:59
  Speaker 1: love each other. Like there's so many things I think
• 1:42:00
  Speaker 1: some parents maybe just think the kids know automatically. Yeah.
• 1:42:04
  Speaker 1: That it's just maybe because they weren't instructed, you know?
• 1:42:08
  Speaker 1: But it's like I think there can be more instruction
• 1:42:10
  Speaker 1: out there. And I don't have any children, so I'm
• 1:42:12
  Speaker 1: not judging.
• 1:42:12
  Speaker 2: But you want to be a dad, right?
• 1:42:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I would like to be a dad, you know?
• 1:42:15
  Speaker 1: You would be great.
• 1:42:16
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God. You'd be so great. Your kid would
• 1:42:18
  Speaker 2: be so lucky.
• 1:42:19
  Speaker 1: But my freaking wife is going to be there, and
• 1:42:20
  Speaker 1: that's going to be the tough part.
• 1:42:21
  Speaker 2: That's the bummer. She'll be good, too. You'll pick someone good.
• 1:42:26
  Speaker 1: She'll be good, yeah.
• 1:42:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she'll be great. You're not going to fuck that up.
• 1:42:28
  Speaker 1: And if she isn't, I don't know what happened to her, officer. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
• 1:42:35
  Speaker 1: I'm joking that's my future wife might be hearing this
• 1:42:38
  Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to loving you she definitely is I
• 1:42:40
  Speaker 1: don't know you yet but I'm looking forward to loving
• 1:42:42
  Speaker 1: you or maybe I do know.
• 1:42:43
  Speaker 2: You oh that's so sweet that's so sweet that kind
• 1:42:46
  Speaker 2: of shit like really gets me when it's like of
• 1:42:48
  Speaker 2: like you talk to your future whatever or I think
• 1:42:52
  Speaker 2: that's so cute cause she will see this yeah she
• 1:42:55
  Speaker 2: might yeah well even after you're married someone will send
• 1:42:58
  Speaker 2: her this clip or something.
• 1:42:59
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah that's sweet yeah it's nice yeah babe.
• 1:43:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, manifest it.
• 1:43:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:43:06
  Speaker 1: Hey, we're just watching the game and that's all we're doing.
• 1:43:11
  Speaker 1: We're not up to no good, you know? Back off
• 1:43:14
  Speaker 1: the coke. I'm just saying thanks to my future wife.
• 1:43:22
  Speaker 1: What else is going on? Anything else in the news?
• 1:43:25
  Speaker 1: Did you see that Peter Griffin that they found on TikTok?
• 1:43:28
  Speaker 1: You see that guy? No.
• 1:43:30
  Speaker 2: I'm not on TikTok, are you?
• 1:43:31
  Speaker 1: Real-life Peter Griffin.
• 1:43:33
  Speaker 2: Oh, wow.
• 1:43:34
  Speaker 4: Did you ever believe that you would be a big success? Honestly,
• 1:43:39
  Speaker 4: I just dressed like Peter Griffin at Comic-Con like 11
• 1:43:42
  Speaker 4: years ago with my friends and decided to have fun
• 1:43:44
  Speaker 4: and then it turned into this whole career thing. and
• 1:43:47
  Speaker 4: the shout out of Family Guy I didn't believe people
• 1:43:49
  Speaker 4: at first I was like they did not shout me
• 1:43:52
  Speaker 4: out on Family Guy and then people were sending me
• 1:43:53
  Speaker 4: the clips I'm like holy shit they really did so
• 1:43:57
  Speaker 4: it's been quite a trip I enjoy it tremendously I
• 1:44:00
  Speaker 4: like making people laugh and making them happy and that
• 1:44:03
  Speaker 4: kind of stuff so 11 years of that.
• 1:44:06
  Speaker 2: I love him he sounds exactly.
• 1:44:08
  Speaker 1: Like him yeah he does that's amazing my buddy Danny
• 1:44:10
  Speaker 1: looks like the wife what's her name Lois Lois Lois Griffin. Yeah,
• 1:44:18
  Speaker 1: my buddy Danny.
• 1:44:20
  Speaker 2: Wait, your buddy Danny looks like her?
• 1:44:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'll put a side-by-side if Danny allows it.
• 1:44:24
  Speaker 1: I'm going to have to ask him after we tape
• 1:44:26
  Speaker 1: and ask him to see if I can put it in.
• 1:44:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:44:28
  Speaker 1: He took us fishing once in Illinois up there in
• 1:44:30
  Speaker 1: Stark County, Illinois. They got a beautiful male Lois Griffin lookalike.
• 1:44:37
  Speaker 2: This is insane. Yeah, he does a good job.
• 1:44:40
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:44:41
  Speaker 1: What about you have your new special is out.
• 1:44:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, HBO, Someday You'll Die is the name of it.
• 1:44:48
  Speaker 1: What a great time for all the extra hype then, right?
• 1:44:50
  Speaker 2: Dude, it all just timed out perfectly.
• 1:44:52
  Speaker 1: What are the freaking odds of that?
• 1:44:54
  Speaker 2: I just am really lucky. Sometimes you just go, man,
• 1:44:56
  Speaker 2: I lucked out. There's been a lot of times I'm
• 1:44:58
  Speaker 2: not lucky in this business, and it could have kept
• 1:45:00
  Speaker 2: going like that. But it was, yeah, it just was great.
• 1:45:02
  Speaker 2: So it's a little bit of pressure of being like, well,
• 1:45:06
  Speaker 2: my stand-up is not roasts.
• 1:45:08
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 1:45:08
  Speaker 2: Like that's tight, like refined. And my standup's a little
• 1:45:11
  Speaker 2: bit more, it's different. And so I'm like, I hope
• 1:45:14
  Speaker 2: people don't expect that. And, but it's, I love it.
• 1:45:17
  Speaker 2: And it's beautiful looking and, I worked really hard on
• 1:45:20
  Speaker 2: it and I wrote a song. I wrote my first song.
• 1:45:22
  Speaker 2: I have a single out right now. Dude, I know.
• 1:45:25
  Speaker 2: And here's the thing is like I would never bring
• 1:45:27
  Speaker 2: it up if I thought at all it wasn't good.
• 1:45:29
  Speaker 2: But it's like one of the things I'm most proud
• 1:45:31
  Speaker 2: of in my whole life I've ever done. I wrote
• 1:45:32
  Speaker 2: my first song and it's like– I'm not kidding you.
• 1:45:34
  Speaker 2: It's a hit.
• 1:45:34
  Speaker 1: Really? Yeah.
• 1:45:35
  Speaker 2: I like– my voice– like I'm going to get better
• 1:45:37
  Speaker 2: at singing but my songwriting is fucking– I feel really
• 1:45:40
  Speaker 2: proud of it. It's like a pop song that I like.
• 1:45:42
  Speaker 1: Can we listen to it?
• 1:45:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Honestly, I– Would love for you to, I would,
• 1:45:46
  Speaker 2: and I would never in a million years watch a
• 1:45:48
  Speaker 2: standup clip with you of mine ever. Do you know
• 1:45:50
  Speaker 2: what I mean? Oh, this I'm like, yeah, play it,
• 1:45:52
  Speaker 2: hit it.
• 1:45:53
  Speaker 1: Um, well it's first I want to, yeah, last time
• 1:45:55
  Speaker 1: I went to my buddy Walker Bueller's house and he's
• 1:45:57
  Speaker 1: a pitcher. He was on, he was a previous guest
• 1:45:59
  Speaker 1: on here. Um, he's a Dodgers pitcher and, uh, and
• 1:46:03
  Speaker 1: his wife Mackenzie, they just had a new baby. Bring
• 1:46:06
  Speaker 1: up that baby. This baby is so cute. If you
• 1:46:07
  Speaker 1: can find a picture, but I was over there and
• 1:46:09
  Speaker 1: she was saying that they saw you on the roast
• 1:46:11
  Speaker 1: and then, uh, that, that she went and watched her
• 1:46:12
  Speaker 1: special and really enjoyed it. Oh really? Oh, nice. Just
• 1:46:15
  Speaker 1: so you're getting like some immediate feedback. Thank you.
• 1:46:17
  Speaker 2: No, that feels so good. Oh, she's so cute. Oh,
• 1:46:19
  Speaker 2: congrats to them.
• 1:46:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, dude. It was cool.
• 1:46:22
  Speaker 2: Oh, they're so happy. That's so exciting.
• 1:46:24
  Speaker 1: They really were.
• 1:46:25
  Speaker 2: She's perfect.
• 1:46:26
  Speaker 1: It was cool to see. Yes, she's even cuter now.
• 1:46:29
  Speaker 1: She looks a little bit like George Costanza right there.
• 1:46:32
  Speaker 1: No shade. He's beautiful.
• 1:46:34
  Speaker 2: He's amazing.
• 1:46:36
  Speaker 1: But she's a little older now. But anyway, that was
• 1:46:39
  Speaker 1: one of the highlights of my week was– getting to
• 1:46:42
  Speaker 1: go see their kiddo. But they mentioned that they saw
• 1:46:44
  Speaker 1: that you were special.
• 1:46:44
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's nice. Okay, good. No, I love it. It's just,
• 1:46:48
  Speaker 2: you know, you just like all eyes on you. You
• 1:46:50
  Speaker 2: just are like, I got to keep this up. People
• 1:46:52
  Speaker 2: are saying I'm fantastic. If I even drop the ball
• 1:46:54
  Speaker 2: a little bit, people will be like, no, she's actually not.
• 1:46:57
  Speaker 2: And then I'm scared it's going to go away. But
• 1:46:58
  Speaker 2: I'm not embracing it. I'm like not letting it in
• 1:47:01
  Speaker 2: that much because I'm scared it's going to go away.
• 1:47:02
  Speaker 2: You ever do that?
• 1:47:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I think there's like if things are going good,
• 1:47:06
  Speaker 1: there's a level of also just being in a place
• 1:47:08
  Speaker 1: where it's like, Okay, I don't have to slam– I
• 1:47:11
  Speaker 1: don't have– things are already– I'm already going downhill. So
• 1:47:14
  Speaker 1: if I add acceleration, then that's when things get scary.
• 1:47:18
  Speaker 1: I'm already– or I'm already at increasing speed. That's what
• 1:47:21
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 1:47:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:47:21
  Speaker 1: So if you add like– but people are like you
• 1:47:23
  Speaker 1: have to throw gas on the fire while it's going.
• 1:47:25
  Speaker 1: But I don't know if I always– I don't know
• 1:47:28
  Speaker 1: if I always believe that. Yeah. This is it. So
• 1:47:31
  Speaker 1: this is a real song.
• 1:47:33
  Speaker 2: Dude, okay. So the reason it even got made is
• 1:47:35
  Speaker 2: like I've been– During COVID, I learned how to play
• 1:47:38
  Speaker 2: guitar and I started singing and I was like, I
• 1:47:40
  Speaker 2: would like to like be able to like play at
• 1:47:41
  Speaker 2: a coffee shop just like with a wig on or something.
• 1:47:44
  Speaker 2: If I was famous enough that people would go, that's
• 1:47:45
  Speaker 2: Nikki Glaser. But generally I was like, oh, I could
• 1:47:47
  Speaker 2: probably just do this under a different name or something.
• 1:47:49
  Speaker 1: Like this, Wigger.
• 1:47:49
  Speaker 2: Just like literally coffee. Yeah, just a coffee shop because
• 1:47:52
  Speaker 2: my dad plays locally at grocery stores and restaurants and
• 1:47:56
  Speaker 2: bars and grills.
• 1:47:57
  Speaker 1: Was your dad an astronaut?
• 1:47:58
  Speaker 2: Uh, no, he was in the cable business, but close.
• 1:48:01
  Speaker 2: And so he, um, but he plays music now and
• 1:48:03
  Speaker 2: he's a really good musician. So that's all I aspired
• 1:48:06
  Speaker 2: to was like, I'll just do that. But then when
• 1:48:07
  Speaker 2: I was making my special and editing it, we were like, uh,
• 1:48:11
  Speaker 2: we're like, what music do you want to use over
• 1:48:12
  Speaker 2: the credits? And I was like, I gave a bunch
• 1:48:14
  Speaker 2: of songs because I care about the credits. I like
• 1:48:15
  Speaker 2: that song to hit at the end. So I had
• 1:48:17
  Speaker 2: a bunch of ideas, but they were like $ 30, 000 a piece,
• 1:48:19
  Speaker 2: and we were over budget, so it would have come
• 1:48:21
  Speaker 2: out of my money, which I would have paid if
• 1:48:22
  Speaker 2: it was like, but I was like, no, what if
• 1:48:25
  Speaker 2: I wrote a song? you know, my producing team was like,
• 1:48:29
  Speaker 2: you can. And I was like, oh, okay. So I
• 1:48:31
  Speaker 2: just hired a producer from Chicago to come down to St.
• 1:48:34
  Speaker 1: Louis.
• 1:48:34
  Speaker 2: I flew him down, put him up and he was
• 1:48:36
  Speaker 2: a friend of a friend. And then I had my
• 1:48:37
  Speaker 2: other buddy, Tim Convey, who's been in bands. We all
• 1:48:41
  Speaker 2: got together. And the night before I was like, I
• 1:48:43
  Speaker 2: want to bring a song. I don't want someone to
• 1:48:44
  Speaker 2: write a song for me. Like I want to write
• 1:48:46
  Speaker 2: it and maybe it'll suck. And then I'll use their song.
• 1:48:49
  Speaker 2: But I just wrote the song the night before we
• 1:48:50
  Speaker 2: went into the studio. And then the next day I
• 1:48:52
  Speaker 2: was just like, I've never written a song in my life.
• 1:48:55
  Speaker 2: Like I've written like parody songs to songs that have
• 1:48:57
  Speaker 2: already been written. But like from coming up with the
• 1:49:00
  Speaker 2: melody and everything, like it was, and I was like, oh,
• 1:49:03
  Speaker 2: this is actually good. Like it was kind of like
• 1:49:04
  Speaker 2: the way I felt the first time I did stand
• 1:49:06
  Speaker 2: up where I was like, I think I'm kind of
• 1:49:08
  Speaker 2: good at this. Like I'm not great yet.
• 1:49:10
  Speaker 1: No, but look, I think this is huge. I have potential.
• 1:49:13
  Speaker 1: Having some confidence in trying something new is huge, you know?
• 1:49:17
  Speaker 1: Because I think everybody wants to try different things, you know?
• 1:49:20
  Speaker 2: And even if it sucked, I'd still keep going. But
• 1:49:22
  Speaker 2: I'm just like, I think I just got lucky. You know,
• 1:49:24
  Speaker 2: the first set you have is always really good because
• 1:49:26
  Speaker 2: you wouldn't keep doing it. And I think that's like,
• 1:49:28
  Speaker 2: I'll write some real shitty songs. But I think I
• 1:49:30
  Speaker 2: wrote a really good song.
• 1:49:31
  Speaker 1: Amen. Yeah, I want to hear it. We'll listen to
• 1:49:33
  Speaker 1: it in a second. Yeah, I want to get a
• 1:49:34
  Speaker 1: DJ table, too. Because even if you're good at that,
• 1:49:37
  Speaker 1: you're still dumb as fuck.
• 1:49:39
  Speaker 2: What's your kind of extracurricular that you want to be
• 1:49:42
  Speaker 2: really good at that maybe people are like, no one
• 1:49:43
  Speaker 2: needs that from you, Theo? Kind of like, we like
• 1:49:47
  Speaker 2: you for this. Stop trying this other thing. Is there
• 1:49:49
  Speaker 2: any sport?
• 1:49:49
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I would think yoga. Yeah. DJing.
• 1:49:57
  Speaker 2: How often do you do yoga?
• 1:49:59
  Speaker 1: Three times a week.
• 1:50:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's a lot. So you're getting good. You've been
• 1:50:02
  Speaker 2: doing it a while.
• 1:50:03
  Speaker 1: I feel good, yeah. It feels pretty good when I
• 1:50:05
  Speaker 1: do it. What else? Maybe pickleball. Yeah. Artwork. Yeah. Oh.
• 1:50:11
  Speaker 1: And violin and sex maybe.
• 1:50:16
  Speaker 2: Wait, violin? Really?
• 1:50:17
  Speaker 1: You play violin? I just think it would be remarkable
• 1:50:20
  Speaker 1: to be able. It would just shock the world.
• 1:50:23
  Speaker 2: You should pick it up. Even if you're four years in,
• 1:50:25
  Speaker 2: you will blow people's minds at how good you can
• 1:50:28
  Speaker 2: be just with a little bit of work.
• 1:50:30
  Speaker 1: Amazing.
• 1:50:31
  Speaker 2: I could see it.
• 1:50:32
  Speaker 1: Thank you. And what else? Oh. harp is kind of
• 1:50:37
  Speaker 1: gay I think but I would like to I would
• 1:50:41
  Speaker 1: be willing to date a woman that was a nurse
• 1:50:43
  Speaker 1: or could play harp dude I was on this ayahuasca
• 1:50:47
  Speaker 1: one time I was on this ayahuasca ceremony and we're
• 1:50:51
  Speaker 1: sitting in this room and me and my buddy are
• 1:50:53
  Speaker 1: dying laughing so hard they like kicked us out of
• 1:50:55
  Speaker 1: the ceremony because we're laughing so hard then somebody came
• 1:50:58
  Speaker 1: up to us outside of the ceremony it's like 3am
• 1:51:01
  Speaker 1: in the middle of nowhere And they're like, hey, you
• 1:51:03
  Speaker 1: guys are laughing too loud. You have to go back inside.
• 1:51:05
  Speaker 1: I'm like, we just got kicked out.
• 1:51:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
• 1:51:09
  Speaker 1: You're kicking us. They don't want us in there.
• 1:51:11
  Speaker 2: They're like, now they're puking.
• 1:51:13
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, dude.
• 1:51:13
  Speaker 2: They go back in. They're distracted.
• 1:51:14
  Speaker 1: But we were sitting in this one room and we
• 1:51:17
  Speaker 1: were like having like this, winning this trance kind of
• 1:51:20
  Speaker 1: like this meditation moment pretty deep. And this girl was
• 1:51:25
  Speaker 1: playing a harp just over in the corner like she was.
• 1:51:27
  Speaker 1: She'd come out and she had a harp and she
• 1:51:29
  Speaker 1: was sitting there just playing it kind of. And then
• 1:51:33
  Speaker 1: at one point, this guy's like, hey, you can play
• 1:51:37
  Speaker 1: that harp a little louder if you want to. Because
• 1:51:39
  Speaker 1: she was playing real quietly. It was a real quiet environment.
• 1:51:43
  Speaker 1: And she goes, who, me? And we're like, we just
• 1:51:47
  Speaker 1: died fucking laughing. Like, you think there's another fucking harp
• 1:51:56
  Speaker 1: player out here? It was just weird. It was the
• 1:52:00
  Speaker 1: dumbest story.
• 1:52:00
  Speaker 2: I loved it.
• 1:52:02
  Speaker 1: Let's hear it. This is Nikki Glaser, Someday You'll Die.
• 1:52:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:52:25
  Speaker 1: Bro!
• 1:52:25
  Speaker 2: Bro!
• 1:52:54
  Speaker 1: Amen, huh? That's good. Let's leave them. Let's make them
• 1:53:14
  Speaker 1: want to go. Let's make them have to listen to it.
• 1:53:16
  Speaker 2: Song of the Summer, Someday You'll Die.
• 1:53:18
  Speaker 1: Dude, I could see that being remixed by some DJs.
• 1:53:23
  Speaker 2: Yes, do it.
• 1:53:24
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm talking about?
• 1:53:25
  Speaker 2: You got the equipment?
• 1:53:26
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm ordering some stuff online, yeah.
• 1:53:29
  Speaker 2: People, do something with that song. Do whatever you want.
• 1:53:34
  Speaker 1: But I don't have to because Someday You'll Die. It's like, yeah. Ugh.
• 1:53:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like that's what I kind of feel sometimes
• 1:53:40
  Speaker 2: is like I have suicidal thoughts when I get depressed,
• 1:53:43
  Speaker 2: and it soothes me because I just– the idea that
• 1:53:46
  Speaker 2: people go, oh, that's so sad. You think about killing yourself.
• 1:53:48
  Speaker 2: I'm like, no, dude. I need to think about that
• 1:53:51
  Speaker 2: because it relaxes me to be like someday this will
• 1:53:54
  Speaker 2: be over. It's okay. But then also that's also the
• 1:53:57
  Speaker 2: fear is someday I'll die. Holy fuck. You know, it's both.
• 1:54:00
  Speaker 2: So I just– yeah, that's what my whole special is
• 1:54:02
  Speaker 2: about really.
• 1:54:02
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 1:54:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just like dealing with the fear of death while
• 1:54:05
  Speaker 2: also– really wanting it sometimes because it's just life is
• 1:54:09
  Speaker 2: too fucking hard.
• 1:54:10
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah. Sometimes I think about how much sleep you
• 1:54:12
  Speaker 1: get when you're able to die and the rest. Yeah.
• 1:54:16
  Speaker 1: It's like you almost feel like, you know what? I
• 1:54:18
  Speaker 1: could sleep for about 80 years. Yeah. So you wonder
• 1:54:21
  Speaker 1: how long until God like sparks you back up or whatever. Yeah.
• 1:54:25
  Speaker 2: You know, or I think sometimes it's quick and then
• 1:54:27
  Speaker 2: sometimes you just wait around for a minute because you're
• 1:54:30
  Speaker 2: not I don't I don't who knows what happens. But yeah.
• 1:54:33
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it feels like death will be like, oh, good,
• 1:54:35
  Speaker 2: I have a vacation coming up.
• 1:54:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I think sometimes death's like, yeah, we got
• 1:54:41
  Speaker 1: a good one here. Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:54:43
  Speaker 2: And then sometimes it's like, no, I don't want to leave.
• 1:54:45
  Speaker 2: It's both. But I don't think it's the worst thing
• 1:54:48
  Speaker 2: in the world to think about death and be soothed
• 1:54:50
  Speaker 2: by it. Sometimes I used to feel like I was
• 1:54:51
  Speaker 2: really something wrong with me that I felt that. But
• 1:54:53
  Speaker 2: it makes sense. It's like it's just I just want
• 1:54:55
  Speaker 2: to think about it. I'm not going to do anything
• 1:54:56
  Speaker 2: about it. I know I'll never kill myself, but sometimes
• 1:54:59
  Speaker 2: I think about it, and it makes me feel like
• 1:55:01
  Speaker 2: I have a little bit of control and that there
• 1:55:02
  Speaker 2: is a way out if I want it. Even though
• 1:55:04
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to do it, just let me just
• 1:55:06
  Speaker 2: fantasize sometimes. And it's not good for you, but I
• 1:55:08
  Speaker 2: do go there, and I'm not ashamed of it anymore,
• 1:55:10
  Speaker 2: I guess.
• 1:55:11
  Speaker 1: Well, I think thinking about that sort of stuff is fascinating.
• 1:55:15
  Speaker 1: It's interesting because we've also determined everybody that has a
• 1:55:19
  Speaker 1: thought that's not positive, that something is wrong with them.
• 1:55:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:55:24
  Speaker 1: When people like some of the most morose writers and
• 1:55:27
  Speaker 1: stuff of our time have thought about some of the
• 1:55:30
  Speaker 1: most depraved and darkest things. If you look at like
• 1:55:34
  Speaker 1: Nietzsche or Edgar Allan Poe, dude, or the guy that wrote.
• 1:55:42
  Speaker 2: Da Vinci Code.
• 1:55:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:55:45
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:55:46
  Speaker 2: Tuesdays with Maury.
• 1:55:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:55:49
  Speaker 2: No, it's true. It's like you got to go there.
• 1:55:52
  Speaker 2: I know you think about it.
• 1:55:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but sometimes I get scared to think about it,
• 1:55:55
  Speaker 1: but it's really a brave thing to go think about, too.
• 1:55:58
  Speaker 2: Oh, I think your brain won't let you think about
• 1:56:00
  Speaker 2: it for longer than, like, there's some kind of statistic
• 1:56:02
  Speaker 2: about longer than 90 seconds or something, because your brain
• 1:56:05
  Speaker 2: just can't handle it.
• 1:56:07
  Speaker 1: That's pretty crazy, isn't it? It is.
• 1:56:08
  Speaker 2: It's interesting.
• 1:56:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:56:09
  Speaker 2: And it sucks that we all have to do it.
• 1:56:11
  Speaker 2: I know. That's what I don't like. Like, sometimes I
• 1:56:14
  Speaker 2: forget I have to die someday, and I'll be just
• 1:56:15
  Speaker 2: looking out a plain window, letting my mind wander, and
• 1:56:17
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, fuck, I have to die someday.
• 1:56:20
  Speaker 1: Shit. Fuck.
• 1:56:21
  Speaker 4: Fuck.
• 1:56:21
  Speaker 2: Like it's almost like you forget. You're like, oh, no,
• 1:56:24
  Speaker 2: I got to do that. Like it's just like.
• 1:56:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Like I left the oven on.
• 1:56:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:56:28
  Speaker 2: I have to. Yes, exactly. That same feeling.
• 1:56:30
  Speaker 1: Like I'm going to miss this or I'm going to
• 1:56:31
  Speaker 1: miss this person.
• 1:56:32
  Speaker 2: I got to get my passport updated. Shit. Yeah. I
• 1:56:36
  Speaker 2: got to do that. Remember to do that. Oh, I
• 1:56:38
  Speaker 2: don't want to. Yeah.
• 1:56:39
  Speaker 1: Or all the emails or that you left your shoes
• 1:56:41
  Speaker 1: in the hallway. That'd be like the thought I'm having
• 1:56:43
  Speaker 1: when I'm dying. Like, fuck, dude. I left those fucking
• 1:56:45
  Speaker 1: shoes in the hallway.
• 1:56:46
  Speaker 2: What's the problem with that?
• 1:56:48
  Speaker 1: Well, they should be in the closet.
• 1:56:49
  Speaker 2: What's going to happen if they're not?
• 1:56:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I just won't die the right way.
• 1:56:52
  Speaker 1: Or like, it won't go into time. I won't go
• 1:56:56
  Speaker 1: into the filing cabinet of the heavens the correct way. Like, fuck, dude,
• 1:57:00
  Speaker 1: you fucking left the heat on.
• 1:57:02
  Speaker 2: Well, I have that OCD thing too, sometimes of like,
• 1:57:04
  Speaker 2: if this thing I don't do right, then this other
• 1:57:07
  Speaker 2: thing will go horribly. And I had that right before
• 1:57:09
  Speaker 2: the roast. I was like trying to remember a lyric.
• 1:57:11
  Speaker 2: And I was like, if you can't remember this lyric, like,
• 1:57:13
  Speaker 2: you know, when your brain just makes a rule and
• 1:57:15
  Speaker 2: you're like, you better fucking remember this lyric. And I couldn't,
• 1:57:18
  Speaker 2: I didn't, I failed my little test. And I was like, okay,
• 1:57:20
  Speaker 2: it's set in stone. I'm going to fail the roast.
• 1:57:22
  Speaker 2: And let me just tell you, it didn't happen. So
• 1:57:24
  Speaker 2: OCD is like when it's not always real. Like, cause
• 1:57:27
  Speaker 2: it was set in stone. God made that assignment for
• 1:57:29
  Speaker 2: me to remember that lyric. I failed the test. therefore
• 1:57:32
  Speaker 2: I was going to be punished and my OC was wrong.
• 1:57:35
  Speaker 2: So that like, that gave me, I was so happy
• 1:57:37
  Speaker 2: when it went right. Cause I was like, okay, good.
• 1:57:39
  Speaker 2: That isn't real. That thing that happens to me all
• 1:57:42
  Speaker 2: the time is not real.
• 1:57:43
  Speaker 1: All the time when I was a kid, it would
• 1:57:44
  Speaker 1: be like, I'd run and try to jump and touch
• 1:57:46
  Speaker 1: a branch. Like if you can't touch that branch, you're
• 1:57:48
  Speaker 1: a little f * * * ed or something. And
• 1:57:49
  Speaker 1: then I would run and I would not be able
• 1:57:51
  Speaker 1: to touch it. And I'm like, God dang it, dude.
• 1:57:54
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 1:57:55
  Speaker 2: Yes, we do. Well, I do it all the time still.
• 1:57:57
  Speaker 1: And it's not true. Babies, Where are they, huh? Whitney
• 1:58:03
  Speaker 1: did it.
• 1:58:04
  Speaker 2: Not me.
• 1:58:05
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 1:58:06
  Speaker 2: I'll adopt if I want them.
• 1:58:07
  Speaker 1: You need to have your baby fight her baby, though.
• 1:58:10
  Speaker 2: That would be fun. It's not going to happen. Unless
• 1:58:12
  Speaker 2: I'll adopt a child that is the age that hers
• 1:58:14
  Speaker 2: is so we can do a fair thing.
• 1:58:16
  Speaker 1: What brand are you going to adopt?
• 1:58:19
  Speaker 2: Whatever's available. I'm kind of like I would never go
• 1:58:22
  Speaker 2: like I want it to look like this. I'm the
• 1:58:23
  Speaker 2: same way with dogs. Like I'm not like I want.
• 1:58:26
  Speaker 2: I want to rescue, but I want it to be
• 1:58:27
  Speaker 2: a little white dog or whatever it is. I just
• 1:58:29
  Speaker 2: take whatever they gave me. But of course you hope
• 1:58:31
  Speaker 2: for like a cute kid.
• 1:58:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:58:33
  Speaker 2: I want him to be a cute kid and smart
• 1:58:36
  Speaker 2: and all. And, but I feel like, yeah, I don't know.
• 1:58:39
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's for me unless I find someone
• 1:58:41
  Speaker 2: who really wants to be a very hands-on father, almost
• 1:58:43
  Speaker 2: in a mature, like as present as a mom would be.
• 1:58:46
  Speaker 2: Cause I really like to work and I like traveling
• 1:58:49
  Speaker 2: still and stuff like that. And I think that's more
• 1:58:50
  Speaker 2: of a father role.
• 1:58:52
  Speaker 1: Work is my relationship. I realized over the years.
• 1:58:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, me too.
• 1:58:55
  Speaker 1: It's like the thing that I, I don't know if
• 1:58:57
  Speaker 1: I fell in love with it, but, and it's really
• 1:58:59
  Speaker 1: a relationship I have. It's like, I wake up with it.
• 1:59:02
  Speaker 1: I go to bed with it. It's like part of
• 1:59:03
  Speaker 1: my life. It's like the biggest part of my life.
• 1:59:05
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 1:59:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:59:07
  Speaker 2: It pays off.
• 1:59:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it is.
• 1:59:10
  Speaker 2: But at some point you can start coasting a little
• 1:59:13
  Speaker 2: bit and let in something else.
• 1:59:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe so.
• 1:59:15
  Speaker 2: I'm projecting to myself.
• 1:59:17
  Speaker 1: Maybe something with some tits on it. You feel me?
• 1:59:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you deserve it.
• 1:59:21
  Speaker 1: Thanks, dude. Or get your own. That's how it is now.
• 1:59:23
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 1:59:25
  Speaker 1: That's a lot of dudes, huh? A lot of dudes
• 1:59:28
  Speaker 1: are like, oh, I ain't going to meet these chicks.
• 1:59:30
  Speaker 1: I'll just get some tits put on.
• 1:59:32
  Speaker 2: I don't think that's how it works.
• 1:59:33
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 1:59:33
  Speaker 2: No, I don't think men are transitioning to women so
• 1:59:36
  Speaker 2: that they can get their own tits.
• 1:59:37
  Speaker 1: I'll show these bitches I'll be one of them.
• 1:59:40
  Speaker 2: You can't titty fuck yourself.
• 1:59:42
  Speaker 1: But you can look at them.
• 1:59:43
  Speaker 2: You can suck your own, I guess.
• 1:59:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but dude, you don't want to sip where you eat.
• 1:59:47
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, dude? I think you do.
• 1:59:50
  Speaker 1: I don't know what the statement is. Nikki Glaser, thank
• 1:59:54
  Speaker 1: you for roasting Tom Brady, dude. What a crazy thing
• 1:59:57
  Speaker 1: to get to do.
• 1:59:58
  Speaker 2: So crazy.
• 1:59:59
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 1:59:59
  Speaker 2: So cool. Yeah, yeah.
• 2:00:01
  Speaker 1: A legend. Is he beautiful in person?
• 2:00:03
  Speaker 2: So handsome. But almost like unreal looking. Yeah. I had
• 2:00:06
  Speaker 2: a joke for a while that was like, I want
• 2:00:08
  Speaker 2: to put a knife through you to make sure you're
• 2:00:10
  Speaker 2: not cake. You know, like he looks cake. He looks cake.
• 2:00:14
  Speaker 2: Like his wax figurine was, they were like, we don't
• 2:00:17
  Speaker 2: have enough wax to make it look like as waxy
• 2:00:19
  Speaker 2: as he does.
• 2:00:20
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 2:00:20
  Speaker 2: He looks unreal because he's had really good work done.
• 2:00:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 2:00:24
  Speaker 2: He's a good looking man, but it's almost too perfect.
• 2:00:26
  Speaker 2: I was intimidating to look at.
• 2:00:27
  Speaker 1: Has he had work done, you think?
• 2:00:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
• 2:00:29
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 2:00:29
  Speaker 2: It'd be crazy if he didn't. He's got all that money.
• 2:00:31
  Speaker 2: He's got a wife that is like the most stunningly
• 2:00:35
  Speaker 2: beautiful woman ever. You kind of want to raise to
• 2:00:36
  Speaker 2: that level. She's got good people working on her, I'm sure.
• 2:00:40
  Speaker 2: She's a natural 10, but she's gone up to a 12,
• 2:00:44
  Speaker 2: I would say, with the right work. So yeah, he's
• 2:00:47
  Speaker 2: definitely done stuff. He's definitely done stuff, and I don't
• 2:00:49
  Speaker 2: begrudge him. He did good stuff. He looks great.
• 2:00:52
  Speaker 1: Beautiful man. Beautiful guy. Beautiful man.
• 2:00:56
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 2:00:57
  Speaker 1: Nikki Glaser, great to spend time with you.
• 2:00:59
  Speaker 2: So fun, Theo.
• 2:01:00
  Speaker 1: I love you. Congratulations. I love you, too. Thank you.
• 2:01:02
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 2:01:03
  Speaker 3: Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel
• 2:01:06
  Speaker 3: I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh,
• 2:01:14
  Speaker 3: but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace
• 2:01:18
  Speaker 3: of mind I found I can feel it
• 2:01:21
  Speaker 1: In my bones